I AM AFTERALL, THE DOTA SUPPORT PRO.... CHECK OUT THE ITEMS! MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA! (Too bad I think it's too small to view also -_-`)
Monday, July 25, 2005
JUGGERNAUT MADNESS
I AM AFTERALL, THE DOTA SUPPORT PRO.... CHECK OUT THE ITEMS! MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA! (Too bad I think it's too small to view also -_-`)
Aunt Agony II 250705
Originally posted by [H]opes:
in a relationship..without sex..everything cant work out?with true love..guys can forgo sex?
Possible.
Say IF the issue of sex belongs to the karmic challenge of the couple. Which goes to say that if either party have difficulty in getting sexually intimate, it will test the overall structure of the relationship, depending on the preception, mindsets and attitude towards their own relationship.
Some people have this natural aversion to sex. In psychology, they would probably tell you your parental axis influence, early childhood development and such. In astrology, it is shown similar to the above discipline, in addition to affliction in 8th house, especially with negative Saturn influence. Sometimes, it is caused by scenarios - e.g. Rape, abuse, in which alienate one's preception towards sex.
Do not be mistaken that every BGR required sex upfront. Sex doesn't always automatically come as part of a relationship; it's an emotional privilege that is shared mutually in one's most comfortable state. In simple, if somehow, either party is uneasy with the notion of having sex, which means one is not emotionally ready/balance and which means one is NOT in his/her most comfortable state, therefore it doesn't satisfy the above conditions... thus nulled.
To plain phucking or make love?
A whole new world of difference. Exercise your judgement to decide if your man belongs to which category.
Cheers
in a relationship..without sex..everything cant work out?with true love..guys can forgo sex?
Possible.
Say IF the issue of sex belongs to the karmic challenge of the couple. Which goes to say that if either party have difficulty in getting sexually intimate, it will test the overall structure of the relationship, depending on the preception, mindsets and attitude towards their own relationship.
Some people have this natural aversion to sex. In psychology, they would probably tell you your parental axis influence, early childhood development and such. In astrology, it is shown similar to the above discipline, in addition to affliction in 8th house, especially with negative Saturn influence. Sometimes, it is caused by scenarios - e.g. Rape, abuse, in which alienate one's preception towards sex.
Do not be mistaken that every BGR required sex upfront. Sex doesn't always automatically come as part of a relationship; it's an emotional privilege that is shared mutually in one's most comfortable state. In simple, if somehow, either party is uneasy with the notion of having sex, which means one is not emotionally ready/balance and which means one is NOT in his/her most comfortable state, therefore it doesn't satisfy the above conditions... thus nulled.
To plain phucking or make love?
A whole new world of difference. Exercise your judgement to decide if your man belongs to which category.
Cheers
Aunt Agony 250705
Originally posted by frostice:
I came from a boy sch since pri till sec. i am not a very good looking guy and short. So not like my others friends mostly all got gf liao, execpt me when during sec.
But one day. that time i tink i was still sec4. i saw this girl in my tutution centre which i cant take my eyes off her. To me she is pretty and special, but my friends say is ok looking only. So everyday my mind is full of her. Finally one day i decided to go right up to know her and i successed. So we exchange contact. That day i was so happy until i couldnt sleep. :D (come to tink back i tink i am abit crazy that time)
Although i got her contact but i dare not call her because dont know wad to tok about and also i think the 1st gal i ever like. But the funny thing she call me the next day and talk to me through i have nothing much to tok, but she say nevermind she will do the toking. So from then on it seems everyday she tok to me and like we can tok for hours and hours happily. :D But when comes to dating her, i only date out her a few times.
But happy times dont last long, after sometime i found out that she came from a rich family and had bf already. At that time i totally lost out, very sad and it seem like the world lost out of colour. So i tink for nights and nights, finally i decided to give up, because i not like bf tall, good looking, and also not as poor as i am and she is rich gal, how can a poor guy like me give her happliness. So i try to keep distance away from her, dont call her, reject her call, and even when i saw her i just say hi and walk off le. (my heart really pain when i do that) after long time, she seldom call me le, and i also never call her le. But that didnt stop me from thinking of her.
but after a year later, one day suddenly a call, i heard her voice again.
At that time i was kinda of happy again. She told me that she is very sad, becoz her bf is with other gal and still wan to be with her and she love her bf very much and they have been together for years. So i try my best to console her but i really am too stupid abt console ppl. But in the end she feel better when toking to me...and say thanks to me for console her. But i still didnt feel that i got any chance to chase her. After that she didnt call me again le, and i also didnt want to interfere with their relationship problems. Although i really feel like calling her, ask her bf to get lost, and chase her. But i dont know y all my confidence r lost out.
Then after a few years later, i met her she already got a new bf... then i sian again, although i recently just contact her but already not like last time we used to chat about happily liao :( ...i always think if that time i really did not give up on her, would she be my gf by now??? But what to do is Over....hai :( Until today it had been 4 years i still like her, and since then i had never go on relationship yet, i also dunno y, maybe i still very like her or probably i lost confidence in relationship liao or maybe i cant find someone like her again....hai :(
u ppl must be thinking i am dumb, stupid and ball-less.... maybe i am... :(
can u ppl give me some advices....
To me, whether you wanna give up or not, isn't exactly the greatest concern here. I feel there is something more critical here that you probably have to learn about your failure before history repeats itself and you find yourself experiencing a double whammy.
This is a case where you rejected yourself.
[quote]...how can a poor guy like me give her happliness. So i try to keep distance away from her, dont call her, reject her call, and even when i saw her i just say hi and walk off le[/quote]
[quote]After that she didnt call me again le, and i also didnt want to interfere with their relationship problems.[/quote]
If she is attached, whether or not to give up, it remains subjective to the individual. You chose to give up, its fine as well. BUT the above malicious mindsets will serve to ruin you until you decide to do something about it. Happiness talks nothing about monetary wealth dude - only people who doesn't understand thinks that its all about money. YOU haven't even started and killed yourself with this thought - very bad.
IMHO, when you two had almost zero contact and she called you out of the blue and related matters of the heart - THIS IS IN FACT, blatantly a fringing` obvious hint that she is trying to drop. Reasons' very simple: when your emotions is in the mess, you scan for the closest/intimate companion in your memory to rant or talk about it. Your love affairs is such that people usually can't talk very much to others they ain't comfortable with, because it involves the next stage of emotions - opening up. You don't find strangers/hi-bye friends, whom you do not have contact for so long, to talk about these things UNLESS your scenario causes your world to shake and all closest/intimate friends became an unsuitable channel. (Or unless you are a known AA to your friends)
She calls you because unconsciously, she wants you to know that she is single. Duh, obviously she knows that you probably had some feelings for her.
P.S: This is a case of self-rejection, not rejected rejection.
Cheers
I came from a boy sch since pri till sec. i am not a very good looking guy and short. So not like my others friends mostly all got gf liao, execpt me when during sec.
But one day. that time i tink i was still sec4. i saw this girl in my tutution centre which i cant take my eyes off her. To me she is pretty and special, but my friends say is ok looking only. So everyday my mind is full of her. Finally one day i decided to go right up to know her and i successed. So we exchange contact. That day i was so happy until i couldnt sleep. :D (come to tink back i tink i am abit crazy that time)
Although i got her contact but i dare not call her because dont know wad to tok about and also i think the 1st gal i ever like. But the funny thing she call me the next day and talk to me through i have nothing much to tok, but she say nevermind she will do the toking. So from then on it seems everyday she tok to me and like we can tok for hours and hours happily. :D But when comes to dating her, i only date out her a few times.
But happy times dont last long, after sometime i found out that she came from a rich family and had bf already. At that time i totally lost out, very sad and it seem like the world lost out of colour. So i tink for nights and nights, finally i decided to give up, because i not like bf tall, good looking, and also not as poor as i am and she is rich gal, how can a poor guy like me give her happliness. So i try to keep distance away from her, dont call her, reject her call, and even when i saw her i just say hi and walk off le. (my heart really pain when i do that) after long time, she seldom call me le, and i also never call her le. But that didnt stop me from thinking of her.
but after a year later, one day suddenly a call, i heard her voice again.
At that time i was kinda of happy again. She told me that she is very sad, becoz her bf is with other gal and still wan to be with her and she love her bf very much and they have been together for years. So i try my best to console her but i really am too stupid abt console ppl. But in the end she feel better when toking to me...and say thanks to me for console her. But i still didnt feel that i got any chance to chase her. After that she didnt call me again le, and i also didnt want to interfere with their relationship problems. Although i really feel like calling her, ask her bf to get lost, and chase her. But i dont know y all my confidence r lost out.
Then after a few years later, i met her she already got a new bf... then i sian again, although i recently just contact her but already not like last time we used to chat about happily liao :( ...i always think if that time i really did not give up on her, would she be my gf by now??? But what to do is Over....hai :( Until today it had been 4 years i still like her, and since then i had never go on relationship yet, i also dunno y, maybe i still very like her or probably i lost confidence in relationship liao or maybe i cant find someone like her again....hai :(
u ppl must be thinking i am dumb, stupid and ball-less.... maybe i am... :(
can u ppl give me some advices....
To me, whether you wanna give up or not, isn't exactly the greatest concern here. I feel there is something more critical here that you probably have to learn about your failure before history repeats itself and you find yourself experiencing a double whammy.
This is a case where you rejected yourself.
[quote]...how can a poor guy like me give her happliness. So i try to keep distance away from her, dont call her, reject her call, and even when i saw her i just say hi and walk off le[/quote]
[quote]After that she didnt call me again le, and i also didnt want to interfere with their relationship problems.[/quote]
If she is attached, whether or not to give up, it remains subjective to the individual. You chose to give up, its fine as well. BUT the above malicious mindsets will serve to ruin you until you decide to do something about it. Happiness talks nothing about monetary wealth dude - only people who doesn't understand thinks that its all about money. YOU haven't even started and killed yourself with this thought - very bad.
IMHO, when you two had almost zero contact and she called you out of the blue and related matters of the heart - THIS IS IN FACT, blatantly a fringing` obvious hint that she is trying to drop. Reasons' very simple: when your emotions is in the mess, you scan for the closest/intimate companion in your memory to rant or talk about it. Your love affairs is such that people usually can't talk very much to others they ain't comfortable with, because it involves the next stage of emotions - opening up. You don't find strangers/hi-bye friends, whom you do not have contact for so long, to talk about these things UNLESS your scenario causes your world to shake and all closest/intimate friends became an unsuitable channel. (Or unless you are a known AA to your friends)
She calls you because unconsciously, she wants you to know that she is single. Duh, obviously she knows that you probably had some feelings for her.
P.S: This is a case of self-rejection, not rejected rejection.
Cheers
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Aunt Agony 200705
Originally posted by ua_24: I was wondering, i read once that u'l never be together with someone u love the most.. instead it's someone u jus love.. n happens to love u back.. i was kinda wondering if any of you guys out there have any comments??
I recalled one old theory, which yunhaier came across years ago...about Fantasy.
And before I begin, what's YOUR definition of The One?
What and who sets the definition of The One in you?
Very often, sometimes, it is either the woman/man you can't have or its your first love. The reason is because for people you never had - it's the jubliant love, affection and warmth that your emotions first brought forth. However, its such feelings are young, untested in face of challenges and difficulty - like a baby, undaunted by anything because he has yet to walk the path that could make him learn reality.
This applies to your first love as well - because you never knew what Love is like before, your first Love sets the benchmark on what Love feels like. If this is in conjunct with the above scenario as well (namely, people whom you never had and belongs to your first love), this will be a lasting impact.
Eventually, we thought that he/she is the ONE we loved the most, but actually, they are the one that created the first (not neccessary the most) impact, not exactly being loved the most. We kept thinking this way, until the wavering emotions became a false truth... we realise that we fall in love with a Fantasy Figure, because it is easier to face a Fantasy Figure WHOM is so perfect in our imagination... than to venture into the reality, which seemed so cruel. Everything seemed different in reality... people are unable to match to the 'standard' of our Fantasy Figure, fall short of being perfect.
We begin to equate that Fantasy Figure as our Perfect Love or the person we loved the most. You got to realise, sometimes, it's not the constant figure in our mind, who COULD represent the one whom we loved the most. This is infact a mistake and cost alot of invisible damage to our current relationship we are having now.
In Tarot, it is signified by the Major Arcana card 'The Fools'. The young chap, who have just decide to embark his new life journey. He is inexperience and greenhorn, but is filled with the promise of having a better life out there where he would be venturing.
How do we know? Not exactly, but our first journey (relationship) pave the FIRST crossroad of personality, character and especially our raw emotional state. It will shape and mould our mindset, based on what happened and how we deal with the experience. Some people have very screwed-up first relationship, then they adopt a very negative mindset and attitude towards love and relationship. THIS will serve to implicate their future until they exercise the essential wisdom to understand why have they landed here. Some people found no answer because they are slow to enlightenment and people around them ain't helpful to hasten the effect of letting them see certain unseen dimensions.
We are reinforced by our early childhood, psychological state AND enviromental factor.
There are six individual levels, being eternal students of Love. (This has NOTHING to do with your chronological age).
Infant
Toddler
Child
Adolescent
Teenager
Adult
Although I have yet to translate this six levels, which came from Linda Goodman, into CloUdiSm format.
The latter six comes during your marriage:
Marriage: I balance. Teaches love as beauty and learns love as harmony.
Sex: I desire. Teaches love as passion and learns love as surrender.
Knowledge: I see. Teaches love as honesty and learns love is loyalty.
Experience: I use. Teaches love as wisdom and learns love as unselfish.
Idealism: I know. Teaches love as tolerance and learns love as Oneness.
Submission: I believe. Teaches love is compassion and learns love as All.
P.S: Learn to love every relationship like 'The One', only then, you are able to release the lock, which hinder your potential relationship from blossoming. The actual concept of 'The One' is but a spiritual theory in Love, which is altogether, a different topic.
I recalled one old theory, which yunhaier came across years ago...about Fantasy.
And before I begin, what's YOUR definition of The One?
What and who sets the definition of The One in you?
Very often, sometimes, it is either the woman/man you can't have or its your first love. The reason is because for people you never had - it's the jubliant love, affection and warmth that your emotions first brought forth. However, its such feelings are young, untested in face of challenges and difficulty - like a baby, undaunted by anything because he has yet to walk the path that could make him learn reality.
This applies to your first love as well - because you never knew what Love is like before, your first Love sets the benchmark on what Love feels like. If this is in conjunct with the above scenario as well (namely, people whom you never had and belongs to your first love), this will be a lasting impact.
Eventually, we thought that he/she is the ONE we loved the most, but actually, they are the one that created the first (not neccessary the most) impact, not exactly being loved the most. We kept thinking this way, until the wavering emotions became a false truth... we realise that we fall in love with a Fantasy Figure, because it is easier to face a Fantasy Figure WHOM is so perfect in our imagination... than to venture into the reality, which seemed so cruel. Everything seemed different in reality... people are unable to match to the 'standard' of our Fantasy Figure, fall short of being perfect.
We begin to equate that Fantasy Figure as our Perfect Love or the person we loved the most. You got to realise, sometimes, it's not the constant figure in our mind, who COULD represent the one whom we loved the most. This is infact a mistake and cost alot of invisible damage to our current relationship we are having now.
In Tarot, it is signified by the Major Arcana card 'The Fools'. The young chap, who have just decide to embark his new life journey. He is inexperience and greenhorn, but is filled with the promise of having a better life out there where he would be venturing.
How do we know? Not exactly, but our first journey (relationship) pave the FIRST crossroad of personality, character and especially our raw emotional state. It will shape and mould our mindset, based on what happened and how we deal with the experience. Some people have very screwed-up first relationship, then they adopt a very negative mindset and attitude towards love and relationship. THIS will serve to implicate their future until they exercise the essential wisdom to understand why have they landed here. Some people found no answer because they are slow to enlightenment and people around them ain't helpful to hasten the effect of letting them see certain unseen dimensions.
We are reinforced by our early childhood, psychological state AND enviromental factor.
There are six individual levels, being eternal students of Love. (This has NOTHING to do with your chronological age).
Infant
Toddler
Child
Adolescent
Teenager
Adult
Although I have yet to translate this six levels, which came from Linda Goodman, into CloUdiSm format.
The latter six comes during your marriage:
Marriage: I balance. Teaches love as beauty and learns love as harmony.
Sex: I desire. Teaches love as passion and learns love as surrender.
Knowledge: I see. Teaches love as honesty and learns love is loyalty.
Experience: I use. Teaches love as wisdom and learns love as unselfish.
Idealism: I know. Teaches love as tolerance and learns love as Oneness.
Submission: I believe. Teaches love is compassion and learns love as All.
P.S: Learn to love every relationship like 'The One', only then, you are able to release the lock, which hinder your potential relationship from blossoming. The actual concept of 'The One' is but a spiritual theory in Love, which is altogether, a different topic.
Monday, July 18, 2005
New Balance X Eric Haze M574
I just had a complete new impression of NEW BALANCE. 新白兰是。。。哈哈哈哈哈 ^_-
Cheers
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Aunt Agony II 170705
Originally posted by drx:
So Yunhaier from what you say, the guy made a bad judgement by looking for the wrong girl to fall in love with? He did not understand her so the relationship failed? So in love is best to do things to suit a girls needs and wants? He should find someone who is willing to accept him for who he is after the girl left him for another man while still wondering what went wrong?
" Just lookout for ladies that appreciate nice guys. Full stop. It's as simple as that - someone who could see your goodness and qualities as part of her essential needs."
HE thought that she was the one for him too once but in the end she just dump him so your advice for him is to keep searching on for another the "one" to suit him?
You don't make a bad judgement by falling in love with a girl, who doesn't remain with you till marriage and after. You make a bad judgement only if your relationship is deeply karmic and create more than just a mess in every aspect of your life (E.g. falling in love with a flirty woman - it's probably a high risk if you are looking for some kind of stable relationship). To lose a relationship doesn't constitute a bad judgement - it probably would, in some lesser degree, if you don't even know why you lose it in the first place.
To some extend, there isn't any 'wrong relationship.' In my studies, it's only benefic or karmic. (Relationship that is harmonious and one that is disruptive - both of them can also serve to built or ruin you).
YOU think that she is the one for you - great. But that thought isn't mutual. Till the day when you find someone with this mutual thought, you will probably end up in marriage with her. Probably.
But in Love, it's more than just a civic minded/technical way of looking at a relationship. 1+1 equation doesn't always mean 2 in Love, which is how you are trying to apply that in yourself. In Psychology, we mimic our behaviour based on what behaviour that works and rewarded. We continue to mimic those behavior until they become an integrated part of our personality (or in this case, our definition and preception of Love). WHEN those behaviour don't work or gain acceptance, the mind is frustrated and the human takes on defensive measure to protect it's self image. Then in Love, the mind gradual form a 'logical equation' to appease the confusion, but the heart continues to bleed unconsciously because the heart do not see the way the mind do. But as long as this adjusted behaviour pays off - we will maintain them... we work to maintain sameness.
And when too painful rejection or whichever processing system (mind or heart) don't work, it explode and causes a system breakdown. Our self preception is greatly affected and we lose track of who and what we are.
You looked so lost. Seeking answers everywhere.
P.S: If you ain't the man your love is looking for - remaining in the relationship usually promise much misery. Find a woman who likes and appreciates the qualities that you bring out... and not be a man you think that a woman would appreciate. Think is assumption... only knowing is truth. Knowing only comes from communication, understanding and learning. And only by knowing, would you know the core of each individual's needs and work on the RIGHT ingredients to fulfill each specific needs.
Cheers
So Yunhaier from what you say, the guy made a bad judgement by looking for the wrong girl to fall in love with? He did not understand her so the relationship failed? So in love is best to do things to suit a girls needs and wants? He should find someone who is willing to accept him for who he is after the girl left him for another man while still wondering what went wrong?
" Just lookout for ladies that appreciate nice guys. Full stop. It's as simple as that - someone who could see your goodness and qualities as part of her essential needs."
HE thought that she was the one for him too once but in the end she just dump him so your advice for him is to keep searching on for another the "one" to suit him?
You don't make a bad judgement by falling in love with a girl, who doesn't remain with you till marriage and after. You make a bad judgement only if your relationship is deeply karmic and create more than just a mess in every aspect of your life (E.g. falling in love with a flirty woman - it's probably a high risk if you are looking for some kind of stable relationship). To lose a relationship doesn't constitute a bad judgement - it probably would, in some lesser degree, if you don't even know why you lose it in the first place.
To some extend, there isn't any 'wrong relationship.' In my studies, it's only benefic or karmic. (Relationship that is harmonious and one that is disruptive - both of them can also serve to built or ruin you).
YOU think that she is the one for you - great. But that thought isn't mutual. Till the day when you find someone with this mutual thought, you will probably end up in marriage with her. Probably.
But in Love, it's more than just a civic minded/technical way of looking at a relationship. 1+1 equation doesn't always mean 2 in Love, which is how you are trying to apply that in yourself. In Psychology, we mimic our behaviour based on what behaviour that works and rewarded. We continue to mimic those behavior until they become an integrated part of our personality (or in this case, our definition and preception of Love). WHEN those behaviour don't work or gain acceptance, the mind is frustrated and the human takes on defensive measure to protect it's self image. Then in Love, the mind gradual form a 'logical equation' to appease the confusion, but the heart continues to bleed unconsciously because the heart do not see the way the mind do. But as long as this adjusted behaviour pays off - we will maintain them... we work to maintain sameness.
And when too painful rejection or whichever processing system (mind or heart) don't work, it explode and causes a system breakdown. Our self preception is greatly affected and we lose track of who and what we are.
You looked so lost. Seeking answers everywhere.
P.S: If you ain't the man your love is looking for - remaining in the relationship usually promise much misery. Find a woman who likes and appreciates the qualities that you bring out... and not be a man you think that a woman would appreciate. Think is assumption... only knowing is truth. Knowing only comes from communication, understanding and learning. And only by knowing, would you know the core of each individual's needs and work on the RIGHT ingredients to fulfill each specific needs.
Cheers
Aunt Agony 170705
Originally posted by drx:
An ugly guy loves a girl. After being friends for 2 years, they becomes lovers and girl just after 1 year the girl left him. He uses 100% of his love for the girl and was shock at what she done. He had given tender loving care to her in the end she left him for another man.
So did he do a bad judgement ?
100% effort = 100% result? It never happens.
So ?% must be given to give at least 80% result? In the first place, what's 80% result we are talking about? For all you know, the scenario that happens could be THE 80%, for if we could rewind time, the relationship could probably be even shorter and less fulfilling if the percentage of giving is less.
Then again, throughout your post, the whole entire chunk of essay you have written, is so heavily saturated with the guy's opinion, thoughts and preception of what goodness in a relationship is all about. There is little information about what he knows about the actual emotional realm of his love.
Losing a relationship without understanding why... very bad.
Regarding your seven listed points of a 100% love from the guy... What makes you think this whole list is WHAT the girl is looking for? You are SO sure that these points are somewhere near her actual needs? And how much does this guy knows about her? We are talking about emotional sense; how much does he knows?
To fight a war without intelligence network is to die without knowing why.
***
Seriously, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what went wrong with the relationship because chances are, this guy may not truely know the woman he has gotten for a year. And because he don't really know the woman the way he ought to and if this wasn't communicated, he probably thinks what he is doing is 'on the right track' and thus continued whatosever way he always do.
The woman may gradually realise that the man, despite being very nice guy, isn't the kind of man she would seek transitory or ultimately. This is NOT a question of 100% giving, nice guy or whatever - this is the question of suitability and needs. Say I dislike eating pasta, although eating pasta will definitely fill my stomach, but that doesn't mean I must eat pasta because I know it can fill my stomach. (Nice guy is nice, but that doesn't mean her needs is such that she would desire a nice guy... understand?)
And before you go 'Ok, I am going to become a bad guy (in whatsoever definition you thought of a 'bad guy') - its useless as you are trending on foreign land. That region is completely alien to you and if you try to walk that path, you end up belonging to nowhere (In marketing sense, you merely spolit your branding - you can't have mix messages in your branding). Just lookout for ladies that appreciate nice guys. Full stop. It's as simple as that - someone who could see your goodness and qualities as part of her essential needs.
Cheers
An ugly guy loves a girl. After being friends for 2 years, they becomes lovers and girl just after 1 year the girl left him. He uses 100% of his love for the girl and was shock at what she done. He had given tender loving care to her in the end she left him for another man.
So did he do a bad judgement ?
100% effort = 100% result? It never happens.
So ?% must be given to give at least 80% result? In the first place, what's 80% result we are talking about? For all you know, the scenario that happens could be THE 80%, for if we could rewind time, the relationship could probably be even shorter and less fulfilling if the percentage of giving is less.
Then again, throughout your post, the whole entire chunk of essay you have written, is so heavily saturated with the guy's opinion, thoughts and preception of what goodness in a relationship is all about. There is little information about what he knows about the actual emotional realm of his love.
Losing a relationship without understanding why... very bad.
Regarding your seven listed points of a 100% love from the guy... What makes you think this whole list is WHAT the girl is looking for? You are SO sure that these points are somewhere near her actual needs? And how much does this guy knows about her? We are talking about emotional sense; how much does he knows?
To fight a war without intelligence network is to die without knowing why.
***
Seriously, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what went wrong with the relationship because chances are, this guy may not truely know the woman he has gotten for a year. And because he don't really know the woman the way he ought to and if this wasn't communicated, he probably thinks what he is doing is 'on the right track' and thus continued whatosever way he always do.
The woman may gradually realise that the man, despite being very nice guy, isn't the kind of man she would seek transitory or ultimately. This is NOT a question of 100% giving, nice guy or whatever - this is the question of suitability and needs. Say I dislike eating pasta, although eating pasta will definitely fill my stomach, but that doesn't mean I must eat pasta because I know it can fill my stomach. (Nice guy is nice, but that doesn't mean her needs is such that she would desire a nice guy... understand?)
And before you go 'Ok, I am going to become a bad guy (in whatsoever definition you thought of a 'bad guy') - its useless as you are trending on foreign land. That region is completely alien to you and if you try to walk that path, you end up belonging to nowhere (In marketing sense, you merely spolit your branding - you can't have mix messages in your branding). Just lookout for ladies that appreciate nice guys. Full stop. It's as simple as that - someone who could see your goodness and qualities as part of her essential needs.
Cheers
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Aunt Agony 160705
Originally posted by lil_pinkie:
I've a Qn mark in my mind, abt my bf. I'm not saying I'm having a bad r/s.. but sometime, certain quiries of mine cant be solved by talking it out with him. It end up in a quarrel.
I'm younger by 4 yrs than my bf. I do know that I've some thinking prob (as in childishness etc..) He tried to teach and guide me. He got a v.v.v.bad temper (undeniable), and I get scolded alot for my mistakes regardless big or small one.
I've not been treated this way even fr my ex.. (i know sometimes harsh words mean well..) & i'm restricted alot in how i behave etc. I dont wear revealing clothes but been snapped at for wearing low off-shoulder one. Sometimes, its like I'm his personal PDA, i should keep in mind of his liking and thing-to-do. If i missed it, i'm dead... kana scold again. I know gf are suppose to be more delicated in every area... but u see, im not even his wife (any possibility is going to be in the future, not now).. only a gf. I'm told to do this, do that.. I am tired. What i think the way I'll adopt for now, is to put down part of my feelings, and live on my "own". Cuz its always me running up to him, wanting to hug him n be loving, what i get back are cold shoulder. (but in some areas he is attentive and loving tho).
So u see, im a lovely-dovey type person, but he's not..
What kind of behaviour should i adopt in tis r/s
Your bf probably sees you as a junior, instead of a girlfriend standing at equal position, walking side-by-side along the life of the relationship. Chronologically speaking, age-wise, it contributed partially to this thinking and the other half is given by your personality, whom he had thought to be one that belongs to that of young girls of those age.
And because he probably likes/thought.it's.a.norm for a girlfriend to be attentive to his needs, in addition with the superiority in thoughts as spoken in the prior paragraph, it's no wonder he would attempt to 'teach' and 'guide' you... to be a girl of his needs.
Realising the crux of your issue revolves around the power of a relationship; you are struggling beneath the lack of equality and power in the same Love. The discrepancy you are feeling is that you feel you are beginning to lose yourself, your individualistic nature, which seemed like a stranger ever since you fall deep in love with your current bf and step into the relationship.
Chances are, this man does love you, in intensity similar to that of yours - however, he may lack the expressive side of doting, care and affection. And these are definitely your needs. You feel that his needs are at least met to his expectation generally, but minimal for yourself, which causes the differences and resorted to 'giving less' as a means to restore this balance.
***
What kind of behavior should you adopt? A better option is to communicate this through him, minus the sudden quarrels. Quarrels appear for many reasons, sometimes, usually it's not so much about the CONTENT that we desire to communicate - more like the body language, the tone, the words, the style and the overall effect the communication is being brought forth.
You would probably feel/think that 'talking-about-this-to-him-is-useless-nothing-changed-and-we-will-argue. But what makes you think by adopting a different kind of attitude in this relationship will improve your situations? What you are doing is to comform and compromise by solo effort - his stance will remain because nothing has been done to alter the hidden law. Your relationship will gradually break down by the discrepancy suffered and left in ruins before you know it.
He have to know a few elements through your serious, non-quarrelsome talk with him:
I) The importance of equality in the relationship. Power struggle is tiring.
II) Compromise towards each other's needs. Balance out this scale of giving and receiving.
Cheers
I've a Qn mark in my mind, abt my bf. I'm not saying I'm having a bad r/s.. but sometime, certain quiries of mine cant be solved by talking it out with him. It end up in a quarrel.
I'm younger by 4 yrs than my bf. I do know that I've some thinking prob (as in childishness etc..) He tried to teach and guide me. He got a v.v.v.bad temper (undeniable), and I get scolded alot for my mistakes regardless big or small one.
I've not been treated this way even fr my ex.. (i know sometimes harsh words mean well..) & i'm restricted alot in how i behave etc. I dont wear revealing clothes but been snapped at for wearing low off-shoulder one. Sometimes, its like I'm his personal PDA, i should keep in mind of his liking and thing-to-do. If i missed it, i'm dead... kana scold again. I know gf are suppose to be more delicated in every area... but u see, im not even his wife (any possibility is going to be in the future, not now).. only a gf. I'm told to do this, do that.. I am tired. What i think the way I'll adopt for now, is to put down part of my feelings, and live on my "own". Cuz its always me running up to him, wanting to hug him n be loving, what i get back are cold shoulder. (but in some areas he is attentive and loving tho).
So u see, im a lovely-dovey type person, but he's not..
What kind of behaviour should i adopt in tis r/s
Your bf probably sees you as a junior, instead of a girlfriend standing at equal position, walking side-by-side along the life of the relationship. Chronologically speaking, age-wise, it contributed partially to this thinking and the other half is given by your personality, whom he had thought to be one that belongs to that of young girls of those age.
And because he probably likes/thought.it's.a.norm for a girlfriend to be attentive to his needs, in addition with the superiority in thoughts as spoken in the prior paragraph, it's no wonder he would attempt to 'teach' and 'guide' you... to be a girl of his needs.
Realising the crux of your issue revolves around the power of a relationship; you are struggling beneath the lack of equality and power in the same Love. The discrepancy you are feeling is that you feel you are beginning to lose yourself, your individualistic nature, which seemed like a stranger ever since you fall deep in love with your current bf and step into the relationship.
Chances are, this man does love you, in intensity similar to that of yours - however, he may lack the expressive side of doting, care and affection. And these are definitely your needs. You feel that his needs are at least met to his expectation generally, but minimal for yourself, which causes the differences and resorted to 'giving less' as a means to restore this balance.
***
What kind of behavior should you adopt? A better option is to communicate this through him, minus the sudden quarrels. Quarrels appear for many reasons, sometimes, usually it's not so much about the CONTENT that we desire to communicate - more like the body language, the tone, the words, the style and the overall effect the communication is being brought forth.
You would probably feel/think that 'talking-about-this-to-him-is-useless-nothing-changed-and-we-will-argue. But what makes you think by adopting a different kind of attitude in this relationship will improve your situations? What you are doing is to comform and compromise by solo effort - his stance will remain because nothing has been done to alter the hidden law. Your relationship will gradually break down by the discrepancy suffered and left in ruins before you know it.
He have to know a few elements through your serious, non-quarrelsome talk with him:
I) The importance of equality in the relationship. Power struggle is tiring.
II) Compromise towards each other's needs. Balance out this scale of giving and receiving.
Cheers
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Aunt Agony 120705
Originally posted by Percussion_guy86:
Weve been together for 1yr,4mths and 3days.She`s from China and study in TP microelectronics(i`m SP).After about 6 7 mths,i decided to stay with her outside.Of course,my parents,shld say my mum totally opposed.My dad was very supportive as in i am big enough to be responsible for my own action(i`m 18 she`s 19).
So we happily moved in together.In the beginning,its always beautiful.Like many couples,we quarrelled,and patched.Then the process will repeat itself.I will always be the one to give in.Sometimes,her words can really stab your heart so hard that...that a big guy like me will cry in the middle of the night when she`s not looking.But,she`s like that,her...character...of course after so long,i can tell if she loves me or not...she does. :)
Things began to...turn sour?
For the past few days,we never talk.i was thinking...its over sooner or later....you can feel it.The tension is getting tighter and tighter...tense.They are many probles between us.The bniggest one is my family.
i often have to fork out money for my family.my brother is working very hard but he`s also staying with his stead.My sis is still very young and my mum is unable to work because of illness.Only left my dad.He`s not getting paid much and he`s reaching 65.Still cooking in a restaurant.The problem is my stead feels that i`m helping TOO MUCH.Sometimes she`s right...when my family needs mony,i can give to them and help,but when we need help,they cant help us.Because of this,i had rejected my family for many times...
The stress is building and building...my eyes is watery now as i type...because of this i often bury myself in music.i love playing drums...percussion freak in bugis...it really de-stress me(going later)...i have been thinking of breaking up with her but i jus cant let it go!!!i really love her...its been so long...many happy times.........i cant bear the feeling of leaving her and not seeing and holding her again...nut i know for the long term...its not gonna work out....f!ck...crying in com lab in school...
i never told my friends this...so i`m the bad guys in their eyes..."dumping your GF..."...its hard to let them know...we`re still staying together.but,i guess i`m gonna move out this few days...somemore exam coming...how to study?...hai...
WAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why move out?
This is question number one.
You do NOT even have a completely WRECKED domestic environment where you are forced by circumstances to escape the hellhole. Your family faces financial difficulty, but that doesn't equate to a wrecked home. Many household are going through what your family is going through - your rebellious strike out is a choice that promise final despair, stress and dead end. Very loving to stay together in co-habitation? You soon realise that your level of love cannot cope with the pressing problems thrown at you constantly like whirling blades in air.
Logically speaking, you do not even have the finanicial ability to even maintain life, family and relationship all at a go. Furthermore, you are still studying - even if you push for part time, your income will barely be sufficient.
Moving out in your case is not a sign of maturity (or trying to be independent as you may thought of yourself), rather a form of escape to somewhere which you thought love could substitute whatsoever element that is missing in your home. You tried to build a 'home' of warmth and love in this new 'home' - so pray tell me how does this security of your new home work to keep itself stable? You can't... & you finally see the cracks and flaws of your great love-cohabitation idealogy, crumbles like a house of cards in face of cruel reality.
Standing at the crossroad, the future of your love looks bleak. Having to break up with your girlfriend is probably the same as having to admit all the willful decisions you made is a huge mistake afterall. Who would want to go through ALL THE MILES and end up coming back to square one?
You can continue your current way of life, although its probably not doing you any good... for if it does, you would never had to come here in the first place. How now brown cow? Do you still want to carry on false hope, impractical love and motes of delusion? Or would you chose to humble yourself, acknowledge your plight and work towards ending it, even if it means having to sacrifice?
P.S: You have been living in short-term vision, learn to equip with some foresight with wisdom. It can save your alot of tears and hurt in the long run. Make sensible decisions for your life NOT because it seemed great-at-the-moment - but exercise them with enlightenment.
Cheers
Weve been together for 1yr,4mths and 3days.She`s from China and study in TP microelectronics(i`m SP).After about 6 7 mths,i decided to stay with her outside.Of course,my parents,shld say my mum totally opposed.My dad was very supportive as in i am big enough to be responsible for my own action(i`m 18 she`s 19).
So we happily moved in together.In the beginning,its always beautiful.Like many couples,we quarrelled,and patched.Then the process will repeat itself.I will always be the one to give in.Sometimes,her words can really stab your heart so hard that...that a big guy like me will cry in the middle of the night when she`s not looking.But,she`s like that,her...character...of course after so long,i can tell if she loves me or not...she does. :)
Things began to...turn sour?
For the past few days,we never talk.i was thinking...its over sooner or later....you can feel it.The tension is getting tighter and tighter...tense.They are many probles between us.The bniggest one is my family.
i often have to fork out money for my family.my brother is working very hard but he`s also staying with his stead.My sis is still very young and my mum is unable to work because of illness.Only left my dad.He`s not getting paid much and he`s reaching 65.Still cooking in a restaurant.The problem is my stead feels that i`m helping TOO MUCH.Sometimes she`s right...when my family needs mony,i can give to them and help,but when we need help,they cant help us.Because of this,i had rejected my family for many times...
The stress is building and building...my eyes is watery now as i type...because of this i often bury myself in music.i love playing drums...percussion freak in bugis...it really de-stress me(going later)...i have been thinking of breaking up with her but i jus cant let it go!!!i really love her...its been so long...many happy times.........i cant bear the feeling of leaving her and not seeing and holding her again...nut i know for the long term...its not gonna work out....f!ck...crying in com lab in school...
i never told my friends this...so i`m the bad guys in their eyes..."dumping your GF..."...its hard to let them know...we`re still staying together.but,i guess i`m gonna move out this few days...somemore exam coming...how to study?...hai...
WAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why move out?
This is question number one.
You do NOT even have a completely WRECKED domestic environment where you are forced by circumstances to escape the hellhole. Your family faces financial difficulty, but that doesn't equate to a wrecked home. Many household are going through what your family is going through - your rebellious strike out is a choice that promise final despair, stress and dead end. Very loving to stay together in co-habitation? You soon realise that your level of love cannot cope with the pressing problems thrown at you constantly like whirling blades in air.
Logically speaking, you do not even have the finanicial ability to even maintain life, family and relationship all at a go. Furthermore, you are still studying - even if you push for part time, your income will barely be sufficient.
Moving out in your case is not a sign of maturity (or trying to be independent as you may thought of yourself), rather a form of escape to somewhere which you thought love could substitute whatsoever element that is missing in your home. You tried to build a 'home' of warmth and love in this new 'home' - so pray tell me how does this security of your new home work to keep itself stable? You can't... & you finally see the cracks and flaws of your great love-cohabitation idealogy, crumbles like a house of cards in face of cruel reality.
Standing at the crossroad, the future of your love looks bleak. Having to break up with your girlfriend is probably the same as having to admit all the willful decisions you made is a huge mistake afterall. Who would want to go through ALL THE MILES and end up coming back to square one?
You can continue your current way of life, although its probably not doing you any good... for if it does, you would never had to come here in the first place. How now brown cow? Do you still want to carry on false hope, impractical love and motes of delusion? Or would you chose to humble yourself, acknowledge your plight and work towards ending it, even if it means having to sacrifice?
P.S: You have been living in short-term vision, learn to equip with some foresight with wisdom. It can save your alot of tears and hurt in the long run. Make sensible decisions for your life NOT because it seemed great-at-the-moment - but exercise them with enlightenment.
Cheers
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Aunt Agony 080705
quote:
Originally posted by rammstein619:
What you said is indeed true to a large extent but although I would more than happy to return the kiss but there's always a risk where it gets out of hand. You can say that I'm a proactive kind of person. Whenever I decide on something especially important decisions , I always visualise of the possible outcome should I say YES or NO.
Alright this may sound stupid but I'm 17 and my ex is 15. First things first , she's a minor and the Singapore law protects women especially the minors. Actually I've been searching high and low for a website similar to the "Aunt Agony" section of this forum ranging from Teenage magazine , Lime , Teens etc cause I'm just too lazy to write a proper hand written letter and hope that someone responses to your queries in the next month issue....
Secondly , I have seen my close friends surcum to a platonic relationship all because of a broken first love and feeling of being unloved by a girl. In fact , I have 2 very close friends and they too have fallen into a platonic relationship before and as such , I start to wonder , "Should you love a girl because of her personality or because of her body?" I don't learn stuff using the "theory" method but rather on the "experience" method.
Going to drop a little unorthodox here: You, indeed, show wisdom in your thoughts - but this merely applies to your Higher Self. (In the simplest term I can put: someone who doesn't succumb to the negative energy of Mars/Lust. This is a very good thing by itself). Forum mates praise you for this, not actually seeing double edge:
[quote]...seeing couples holding hands is of like something obscene for me... [/quote]
[quote]because in my point of view "one thing might lead to another". You 2 can be kissing , the next day frenching , the next next day petting and finally the next next next day engaging in full blown sex and what we get at the end of the day is a platonic relationship in action.[/quote]
This is not exactly discipline... more like abstinence. You want to prevent POSSIBILITIES, even if it doesn't neccessary always have to follow the sequence like a book. IMHO, this is not exactly healthy, for its ok if you are not comfortable with the notion of sex before marriage. However, affections is like Love - it shouldn't be held back. Holding hands is of like something obscene to you? I am pretty sure, you may have to rediscover yourself through your relationship as you grow older.
Simple affection does NOT equate to the possibility of sex. I think such affections are wonderful things. If you want Love to go somewhere, you cannot hold back on the gift of affections - holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc are signs of NATURAL affections... so natural in love is like life is to breathing.
And there is too much logic in your mindset. Law and Order, fixed concept and all the beauty of a civil mind. Prevention, issue, problem, consequence, feedback and follow up... hidden in your subconscious. You apply what you see happened to your close friend, modified by your unconscious fear and go through alot of deep thoughts - in the end, I can tell you that your result is mostly blank. Which is why you ended up here, seeking for advice.
People would probably tell you 'hey, good guy.. continue this way. You are a rare gem, probably the last man on Earth, etc' - but ultimately do you get your fulfilling relationship? My answer is probably not, until you rediscover yourself, learn to use the 'Art of Emotional Science' and learn more about yourself instead of overly relying on others for answers.
People don't see this: 'Because you are not subjected to lust through great deal of mental, emotional and physical discipline - such cosmic lesson is probably beneath your feet as you have probably secure firm victory over it. People sees it as awesome, because it's something they are trying to sort in their life. But NOT you. However, you have sexuality blockage... an emotional discomfort dealing with affections. Holding hands is one of the possibility leading to sex? If you are telling me petting is.. I would have agreed. But holding hands?
Your girl said that you are not romantic - it's a bad choice of word, thus you probably never knew what is the root of your problem. The actual term is 'Not receptive/responsive to her affection.' and therefore, unloving and NOT unromantic.
P.S: By telling how much you love her (or yourself), but lack the proof in action, will tanish every single effort of yours in the long run. I always say this "Love looks in the same direction." If your definition of Love is this way, either you find someone who shares the same definition as you, or you learn to love and appreciate Love the way Love wants you to.
Cheers
Originally posted by rammstein619:
What you said is indeed true to a large extent but although I would more than happy to return the kiss but there's always a risk where it gets out of hand. You can say that I'm a proactive kind of person. Whenever I decide on something especially important decisions , I always visualise of the possible outcome should I say YES or NO.
Alright this may sound stupid but I'm 17 and my ex is 15. First things first , she's a minor and the Singapore law protects women especially the minors. Actually I've been searching high and low for a website similar to the "Aunt Agony" section of this forum ranging from Teenage magazine , Lime , Teens etc cause I'm just too lazy to write a proper hand written letter and hope that someone responses to your queries in the next month issue....
Secondly , I have seen my close friends surcum to a platonic relationship all because of a broken first love and feeling of being unloved by a girl. In fact , I have 2 very close friends and they too have fallen into a platonic relationship before and as such , I start to wonder , "Should you love a girl because of her personality or because of her body?" I don't learn stuff using the "theory" method but rather on the "experience" method.
Going to drop a little unorthodox here: You, indeed, show wisdom in your thoughts - but this merely applies to your Higher Self. (In the simplest term I can put: someone who doesn't succumb to the negative energy of Mars/Lust. This is a very good thing by itself). Forum mates praise you for this, not actually seeing double edge:
[quote]...seeing couples holding hands is of like something obscene for me... [/quote]
[quote]because in my point of view "one thing might lead to another". You 2 can be kissing , the next day frenching , the next next day petting and finally the next next next day engaging in full blown sex and what we get at the end of the day is a platonic relationship in action.[/quote]
This is not exactly discipline... more like abstinence. You want to prevent POSSIBILITIES, even if it doesn't neccessary always have to follow the sequence like a book. IMHO, this is not exactly healthy, for its ok if you are not comfortable with the notion of sex before marriage. However, affections is like Love - it shouldn't be held back. Holding hands is of like something obscene to you? I am pretty sure, you may have to rediscover yourself through your relationship as you grow older.
Simple affection does NOT equate to the possibility of sex. I think such affections are wonderful things. If you want Love to go somewhere, you cannot hold back on the gift of affections - holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc are signs of NATURAL affections... so natural in love is like life is to breathing.
And there is too much logic in your mindset. Law and Order, fixed concept and all the beauty of a civil mind. Prevention, issue, problem, consequence, feedback and follow up... hidden in your subconscious. You apply what you see happened to your close friend, modified by your unconscious fear and go through alot of deep thoughts - in the end, I can tell you that your result is mostly blank. Which is why you ended up here, seeking for advice.
People would probably tell you 'hey, good guy.. continue this way. You are a rare gem, probably the last man on Earth, etc' - but ultimately do you get your fulfilling relationship? My answer is probably not, until you rediscover yourself, learn to use the 'Art of Emotional Science' and learn more about yourself instead of overly relying on others for answers.
People don't see this: 'Because you are not subjected to lust through great deal of mental, emotional and physical discipline - such cosmic lesson is probably beneath your feet as you have probably secure firm victory over it. People sees it as awesome, because it's something they are trying to sort in their life. But NOT you. However, you have sexuality blockage... an emotional discomfort dealing with affections. Holding hands is one of the possibility leading to sex? If you are telling me petting is.. I would have agreed. But holding hands?
Your girl said that you are not romantic - it's a bad choice of word, thus you probably never knew what is the root of your problem. The actual term is 'Not receptive/responsive to her affection.' and therefore, unloving and NOT unromantic.
P.S: By telling how much you love her (or yourself), but lack the proof in action, will tanish every single effort of yours in the long run. I always say this "Love looks in the same direction." If your definition of Love is this way, either you find someone who shares the same definition as you, or you learn to love and appreciate Love the way Love wants you to.
Cheers
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Aunt Agony 060705
Originally posted by macjoe: What is marriage supposed to do for/to two people that they can't doas singles outside of marriage these days?
Married vs Single-single status
1. Married can buy house - single-single can liao so buy next to each other.2. Married can have sex - single-single can also mah.3. Married divorces - no such thing for single-single4. Married can have babies - single-single can adopt.5. Wife maintenance, Husband no maintenance - none for two split singles
So please tell me the benefit of marriage that many seek to enter?
:?:
BENEFITS of a marriage? Ironically, you people are asking THE BENEFITS of a marriage when in actual fact, a marriage brings NOTHING but merely a recognition of the next phrase the couples' love has evolved, in which the ultimate quality of sacrifice makes much better sense and worth than in BGR, which has it's limit during test date phrase - the couple sacrifice much more, in all dimensions, in a marriage than BGR.
Tell you the truth, you can't see those so called 'benefits' because you are using different yardsticks to measure those intangibles. You are trying to equate the goodness of marriage via material/dollars sense, which completely makes no sense. The same way anyone could have tell you that love is completely redundant because even without it, technically speaking, you could still survive, breathe and live. Worst still, you could get hurt very badly, so why get involved at all?
Own the world, but loses its soul?
Generally, there are three forms of marriage (sometimes, a mixture of two or even three):
Cirumstances: Forced by circumstances, a marriage happens without much choices. People generally marry because of reasons other than Love. Shot-gun marriage, eyeing on fortune, etc.
Biological/Chronological: People get married because it's the time to get married. Gently pushed by biological clock, people plan and get married when they feel that 'it's time' - whatever it means to them. Sometimes people get married because they are together 'too long' and felt that they needed to induce something to revive the stagnant love.
Spiritual: People get married because they want to spend the rest of their life together. Simple and truthful.
The following contrast you have shown above, merely shows the alternatives a couple could have without the marriage commitment. But then again, it makes no sense to have something just for the SAKE of having. One good example is the babies example you quoted. Obviously, people can adopt - however, for people who truely love little ones, there is a VAST world of difference between their OWN child and adopted ones, especially since they could conceive naturally. What about house? Anyone can own a house - it's WHO you are living with that makes the difference. You can stay in any house of your dream...alone and you will feel worst than one staying in a 3-room flat with love and laughter.
What you are trying to do is measuring the intangibles through tangibles means, which I stress again, makes zero sense.
I don't blame you because you are not there yet. And because you have yet to reach that level, you are highly subjected to people who THOUGHT they are there, but sadly, nowhere near actually. These 'people' impart their negativity to you and you accepted their mindsets. Then again, but makes you think their view is the true meaning it holds?
P.S (Astro): Certain people's horoscope birthchart are more resilient to marriage (Esp. Saturn in 7th house). A powerful Uranus transition cum progression can trigger a divorce BUT that has to be promised by your birth chart in the first place. Some people do not have divorce aspects in their charts, instead, their charts shown a need to learn the areas of love and relationship through alot of cosmic learning. Through freewill, they might temporary break up or whatsoever, but the bonds never seemed to sever completely.
Cheers
Married vs Single-single status
1. Married can buy house - single-single can liao so buy next to each other.2. Married can have sex - single-single can also mah.3. Married divorces - no such thing for single-single4. Married can have babies - single-single can adopt.5. Wife maintenance, Husband no maintenance - none for two split singles
So please tell me the benefit of marriage that many seek to enter?
:?:
BENEFITS of a marriage? Ironically, you people are asking THE BENEFITS of a marriage when in actual fact, a marriage brings NOTHING but merely a recognition of the next phrase the couples' love has evolved, in which the ultimate quality of sacrifice makes much better sense and worth than in BGR, which has it's limit during test date phrase - the couple sacrifice much more, in all dimensions, in a marriage than BGR.
Tell you the truth, you can't see those so called 'benefits' because you are using different yardsticks to measure those intangibles. You are trying to equate the goodness of marriage via material/dollars sense, which completely makes no sense. The same way anyone could have tell you that love is completely redundant because even without it, technically speaking, you could still survive, breathe and live. Worst still, you could get hurt very badly, so why get involved at all?
Own the world, but loses its soul?
Generally, there are three forms of marriage (sometimes, a mixture of two or even three):
Cirumstances: Forced by circumstances, a marriage happens without much choices. People generally marry because of reasons other than Love. Shot-gun marriage, eyeing on fortune, etc.
Biological/Chronological: People get married because it's the time to get married. Gently pushed by biological clock, people plan and get married when they feel that 'it's time' - whatever it means to them. Sometimes people get married because they are together 'too long' and felt that they needed to induce something to revive the stagnant love.
Spiritual: People get married because they want to spend the rest of their life together. Simple and truthful.
The following contrast you have shown above, merely shows the alternatives a couple could have without the marriage commitment. But then again, it makes no sense to have something just for the SAKE of having. One good example is the babies example you quoted. Obviously, people can adopt - however, for people who truely love little ones, there is a VAST world of difference between their OWN child and adopted ones, especially since they could conceive naturally. What about house? Anyone can own a house - it's WHO you are living with that makes the difference. You can stay in any house of your dream...alone and you will feel worst than one staying in a 3-room flat with love and laughter.
What you are trying to do is measuring the intangibles through tangibles means, which I stress again, makes zero sense.
I don't blame you because you are not there yet. And because you have yet to reach that level, you are highly subjected to people who THOUGHT they are there, but sadly, nowhere near actually. These 'people' impart their negativity to you and you accepted their mindsets. Then again, but makes you think their view is the true meaning it holds?
P.S (Astro): Certain people's horoscope birthchart are more resilient to marriage (Esp. Saturn in 7th house). A powerful Uranus transition cum progression can trigger a divorce BUT that has to be promised by your birth chart in the first place. Some people do not have divorce aspects in their charts, instead, their charts shown a need to learn the areas of love and relationship through alot of cosmic learning. Through freewill, they might temporary break up or whatsoever, but the bonds never seemed to sever completely.
Cheers
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Aunt Agony 190605
Again... the qualification issue. The war between lower qualification man and higher qualification woman. Question is... is that all-mighty important?Why? Why you may think women prefers man with higher qualification than them? The reason is very simple: the investment theory. Back to basis, every women sees relationship as a form of investment; this investment we are talking about goes beyond the paid expense of the man's version in a relationship. We are talking about biological aging, emotional investment, sex-related thingy (even pregnancy), etc.
Qualification is a measurement of potential success the man can achieve. Obviously, it doesn't mean the man could definitely do well in life, it simply suggest the potential success of a man. Because of that, this man exuded alot of security on his part AND women, being highly affected by the investment theory, usually consider alot of security on her part to make the commitment affair (Especially Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn).
Also, why woman prefer guys who are average joe-looking (or even worse)?Security; of all levels. (Inferior woman never feel good about themselves; they feel that they are too fat, single eye-lid, small cup size, etc. This 'security' effect is triggered and they fear that having good-looking bf is emotionally taxing through jealousy, fear of losing them to a third party, etc).
***
Obviously there are things more important than the above examples. In very simple terms, it is your personal attributes that score points for the relationship, or at least the love/respect for you. However, this is heavily moderated by her own preception of what's important to her. E.g. If you have a woman that needs the constant loves-showering, to satisfy this emotional needs is more important than say qualification. (Especially Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces). Another example would be, if your woman rank material needs as first priority, being able to bring good income serve more sense than say being a SNAG boyfriend.In CloUdiSm, this is phenomenon is called Suitability - something I often stress on, about looking at the same direction and not at each other in love. In Marketing, we talk about satisfying your customers needs; in relationship we talk about the same needs to be satisfied mutually.
You can actually turn this negative situation into a powerful positive force that could drive you into trying to excel in your life. Love can be the motivator, however, if it causes you to fail your relationship for any reasons, FAILURE retains that memory painfully stronger and deeper.
P.S: Banish your sense of despair. If you have the drive to strive and work towards your career, that's the best cert you could have. We call those thingy 'Shang Jing Xing.'
Cheers
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Aunt Agony II 150606
Quote:
Originally posted by fairyprincess:
my bf and i have been together for almost 4 years.
i love him dearly but he's not exactly the boyfriend anyone wants.
he lied to me for 3 years about this girl he used to like. i forgave him for that. 2 years ago, when he was in the army, he hit me at the slightest thing. i forgave him for that too. after army, he stopped hitting me - he claims its the stress.
anyway, i can tolerate all that but his temper is getting to me. he needs to win at everything. i accomodate him by playing all kinds of arcade, online, rpg games with him (i do enjoy them to a certain extent). but if i win him, he gets angry and if i joke that he's a sore loser - he gets angry too.
i understand how pride is to a guy but is pride everything? i give in to him for everything. he NEVER apologises, even when i'm right, i apologise just so that we'll stop quarreling. i admit i do have my faults as well - nobody's perfect. the thing is - he demands a perfect girlfriend.. and when i can't meet up to his "expectations";, he will demand that i change to what he wants.
he has never given in to me all this while. after a quarrel, we will have a cold war as he will not want to talk to me. i leave him alone to cool down till the next day. but when he calls the next day he will demand i reach his house by a certain time if not i'll "get it from him"
the thing is, i could never bring myself to leave him. maybe cos' everytime he calls i could never have the heart to reject him. i'm gg to australia to study at the end of this month and he's supposed to follow - he has not paid for his fees yet though. i would love for him to go, but sometimes i feel that if he doesn't, maybe i can escape from all this.
i know i should face it and not escape but i don't know how long i can take this from him. i only have a week to decide if he should go with me cos' my parents are gg too and they expect him to go too. advice anyone? thanks
Very strong hint of male chauvinist personality in relationship; strong pride is but a partial product of this effect. Autocratic - with him, demanding to be on the receiving end and implanting idealogy into the relationship. Obviously, it wouldn't work this way, you probably felt how meaningless this relationship has grown to be, despite the fact that you have been together with him for four years.Is it the length of relationship... Or the call of duty... that made you stay? You can even tolerate violence in relationship; ARE you SURE that what has happen regarding the way he treated you is the ACT of love? Of someone behaving to other in love?
You are in a karmic relationship; outsider don't understand this. (He's probably astrologically intercepted in 5th/7th house)If you are already hoping that you could go overseas without him, needing that rest-time, I can tell you frankly that during the process of your study there, your relationship will definitely crumble and fall. How much endurance/perseverance can one relationship be, like yours? With such weak bonds, holding on by mere blinded love, your relationship won't be able to survive challenges like this.
With clarity and renew courage, you could probably find the neccessary element to sever the relationship by then.So my question is, if everything else is so chaotic, why are you still opting for the mess? Thinking that what I have mention above is baseless? Ok, if you could go overseas without him and come back, with your relationship still intact, lunch is on me. Add dinner, or anything you want. It's so predictable because people don't want to make decision for their relationship and because people hate making decision, the relationship falls under the predictable state.
They rather allow circumstances to make decision for them and not taking lead to solve or end problems.
In the end, you lose the relationship because circumstances brings you no choice, not because you had a choice. The difference between ending it now and later, say if the above scenario really took place, is that ONE is the result of wisdom and the other the cause of fate.
I may be fringing` chim or speaking like Greek to you because currently you may not fully understand what this post is trying to tell you until you have been there, done that. Because according to your topic 'Miserable and lost' - you can only be 'peaceful and found' when you make proper decisions for that to happen. Cycle repeats; your suffering continues until you make decent decision for your relationship (To end a relationship doesn't mean evil, sometimes, it can be a loving thing).
P.S: Is your bf a Leo, Capricorn, Virgo or Scorpio?
Cheers
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Flashback 190506
Quote:
Originally posted by jayne:
i dun wana hate him, really.. but seems like if i dun, i find it real hard to get on wif mi daes.. cos smtimes memories will js cm flooding bck to mi, & i find it difficult to get bck on mi feet again.. smtimes i js wana hide & cry till mi tears turn red..
yes, i admit im too posessive.. i hope he can spent his free time wif mi.. but i am ok if he needs to go out wif frens, js let mi noe 1st so i dun plan anythg..
i got feedbck fr one of his ex-colleagues smtime ago tt smtimes he sees him very stress.. he says tt smtimes work requires OT & he has to choose b/w work & mi.. i admit i dun quite like him working too late cos he has bck problems but if he chooses work instead of meeting mi, i will respect his choice, thou i will kick a fuss..
i admit im a fuss maker, hard to pls.. but 4 yrs has past, he din say a thg.. but i noe miself.. i tried to change a few times, but i guess it wasnt wat he wanted.. so he packed up & left..
i cant believe he went to the extend as to move, cut his line & change job, js to avoid mi.. i cant believe he nv even consider mi feelings! he said in his last msg tt he knew i wld cry, but hes sori.. nvm abt the past, dun matter who rite who wrong, js move on.. he aso says he cant provide 4 mi, cos he has his aged parents at home to feed.. so js let go..
That's the EXACT fault of virtually most couple out there - by keeping mum or not saying anything DOESN'T mean it wouldn't affect the relationship. He could be silent about his feelings on this issue because it's like compromising on his part (although silent compromising is one of the least appreciated qualities around).Remember that fat kid we used to 'suan' when we were younger? About his size and all? You THINK it wouldn't affect him? He could be cool about it, but it actually does affect his esteem.
No difference.
It seemed that your ex-boyfriend might want the relationship, yet doesn't really know what he truly wants or how he might want to steer the relationship. In the past (possibly now as well, not time has not pass to confirm this), he created a series of drama just to stimulate this thinking. It's so classic. Every guy out there who is having this problem, WILL artifically inject certain tension in the relationship just to stimulate thinking.Then, he got his answer. He may decide his course now: the course to leave you. There are infinite reasons and of course, you and I know that these are bullsh!ts. The actual reason lies with his ego and his psyche.
I) The Ego of a man who is unable to provide very much for his love will in turn reject love to allow her to seek for greener pasture. When Uranus is strong and afflict Sun, this ego is difficult to manage. There are many man with relatively lower esteem will see themselves as 'no future' man. They want their partner to have better life, but failed to see this as a motivating factor to excel in life.
II) His love for you may have vanished long ago OR the desire to leave the relationship. But there are simply no great deal of a reason for him to end it. He may be dragging it, thus always opting for your exam period to annouce the news. Reason is simple: you will be too busy to find him and he could also avoid seeing you this period.
Do you remember this overly used phrase 'You can't force love unto someone'? IF he is not willing to be in a relationship (regardless of the length of time together), then its completely unneccessary to play 'catching' and go through the extra miles just to catch him back. The rules of 'Catching' only applies to THOSE who WANTS to play them; try catching those bystander who happen to pass by - they will NOT follow you to 'jail'.
P.S: If you got to move, you got to move. You can't wait for circumstances to force movement into you (Esp. Taurus, Scorpio, Leo, Aquarius). If that ever happenes, you would either bleed to death or your tears will fill a river.
Cheers
Monday, June 06, 2005
Aunt Agony 070605
Quote:
Originally posted by pinksnowie:
I know my current bf thru a mutual friend.
Both of us just broke off with our exes... And we were sorta keeping each other company, lending shoulders to cry and listening ears. After a very short while, we fell in love with each other. And we have been together till now...
we have been together for 4mths. Somehow I cant help thinking about his previous relationship. Cos he loved his ex alot, even proposed to her and she agreed. And they had been together for abt 4yrs! And he even cried when he talked about her (when we were just friends)... Sometime I wonder why I worry so much. Sometime I am worried cos I love him alot and dont want to lose him...
Another thing is, he has wandering eyes and sometimes his eyes will follow wherever the girls go. According to some of my friends, I should just let him see the girls. I know I cant restrict him to keep his eyes on me, but why should he keeps his eyes on them wherever they go? I told him how I feel. He said he is only just looking, not thinking of them (to me, oogling them is bad, must lest the thinking of them!). And he also says he can only look and cannot touch them, so why should I mind so much? From then onwards, whenever I mention a beautiful person, he will say he dont dare to see lest I am jealous. Erm... So what does this mean?
Conclusion: Both of us are madly in love with each other. I am more vocal in my feelings, and he will say I am too sensitive or paranoid. I dont want to be seem as so, yet I cant control expressing my feelings... And I want to get rid of these insecurities and he is not helping... What should I do?
What's completely secured? Is there such a thing? Even the 'Best Love' you could hold this lifetime could never give you a 100% security.
You two had just left your individual relationship shortly before coming together; let me reassure you that it would be impossible for him to completely sever his connection (heart, mind and soul) with his ex of four years in such short span of time. Your insecurity is not unfounded, but it may not be wise to step into it so quickly.
The more intense the flame burns, the faster it dies.
You are madly in love with him; and love made you have the desire to possess his personal three realms (Physical, Psychological and Psyche). To be afraid to lose your relationship is normal, however to be overly paranoid about it will actually cause a subconscious impact into the relationship, straining it.
Trust and your own security is like seesaw - the more trust input, you feel more insecured and this shouldn't be the case. It should be proportionate and not inverse.
P.S: Here's a question for you to consider: do you think that your love could be just companionship after an aftermath of a failed relationship? You speak naught of your previous relationship; I suppose you have already moved on.
But him?
Cheers
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Aunt Agony 010605
Quote:
Originally posted by edLow:
Confuse and the situation go:
ur colleague, J, ask u to be her bf. well, as both always play ard in office, thus u blur blur accept it, and she begin to treat u nicer and more caring, previously she one crazy and violent ger. the prob is u dont dare to admit to everyone except ur extreme close frds tat J is ur 'gf'. when ur colleagues suan u, u told them tat she just a normal frd to u. and within those closer frd in office, u just reply tat she's ur scandal. during this period of time, no physical contact (holding hands n sitting close together)
and things start to turn out bad. occasionally argue over small things and J start to show ur cold shoulder and at this moment of time, u start to realise, u like her.
so u decided to tell J bout it. but she reply u tat becos of the office r/s u 2 having now, she cant accept u. further more, u are getting a promotion soon and u will be her superior indirectly. things start to be quiet but after a few days later, u two start to call each other bf n gf again. playing n joking in office is still as usual but occasionally she show u her cold shoulder again. at the same time, u suspect she is going out with other guy, A, too. and perhaps she though u are going out with other gals too.
it ur bd, and u ask J and a few colleague go together with ur frds. tat nite, she was damn piss with u cos u was quite drunk n flirt with other gals, Y and O, rite in front of her. the following day, ur colleague, L, came and tell u tat u did something wrg. well, u donno wat L was try to say and decided to bo chap since she doesnt wan to explain too. another few days later, ur gal frd, Y, called u and told wat happen btwn u, Y and O tat nite and J's face was damn black tat time. again, u decided to bo chap and leave thing as it is... cold war
next J did something u really du lan, and u finally ignore her for gd. thinking it time to stop this rubbish. (J break with A ard this time.) 3 wks after ignoring J, she come apologise to u. war end and she start the bf-gf thing again, this time even husband-wife also come in. but she still show ur cold shoulder occasionally!
well u begun to realise something, all the while in ur heart, u say u like J. but u only say u like her to urself and ur closest frd. no action no talk. in front of ur frds, u pretend J is nobody to u. u donno why u are doing this, is it becos of self protection or u just doesnt willing to give. oh yes, ur attitude seem to be the same in ur last few r/s.
wat will u do, if u are the guy?
how will u feel if u are tat J?ans
How do you expect your situation to turn out from the way it was handled? The confusion was conjured right from your own doings. If you wanna flirt around innocently without any strings attached, make sure you stick to its rule. Do not began the game and alter the variables later on, you will serve to confuse and bring troubles later on.You are like the typical greenhorn salesman; the one that tells you alot about his product, the function, the benefits your consumer are getting, etc - but doesn't really know how to close to deal. What you are doing is merely futile, similar to that of this typical greenhorn salesman. To know about your feelings..hint...know...acknowledge... is nothing - to SAY them and to PROPOSE a relationship, guang ming zheng da, is two drastic level.
You can't blame her for the cold war and attitude. Two reasons:
I) This is an office relationship. Cold war is common and has pretty high rate of occurence and frequency.
II) Dubious position and status.
If you fell for her and everything else isn't too complicating BY NATURE, I say go for it (Please note that this complication wasn't by nature, it was man-made). If you have to lose a relationship in the future, make sure you lose it being the boyfriend, not someone who belong to neither here nor there.
P.S: Having same previous attitude in the past doesn't justify your stance forever. You got to learn to be different other times in your life.
Cheers
Aunt Agony 310505
Quote:
Originally posted by Dreamland:
My bf keeps asking me to have sex even though I am against pre-marital sex. He says that our relationship is not passionate. He does not look forward to our annivesaries, valentine's day or any other occassions. He says that next time if he strays, it is my fault.
Kinda tricky, but I would do my best to allow you to have a decent picture to analysis your own situations.In any relationship, the yin and yang dynamic of it would be giving and receiving. To give is often certain degree of sacrifice, while to receive is merely to receive the goodness of what your partner/relationship has to offer. Regardless of the type of principles involved, an unbendable rule (e.g. against pre-marital sex) clashing against one who desire what you are against, jammed up this system and causes continual conflicts.
When your boyfriend's clarity returned, he probably would feel that 'he would try to respect your wishes.' This is a form of sacrifice on his part and would term as 'giving' in it's own meaning.
***
I am kinda flabbergasted to learn that he said this to you:Quote:
He says that next time if he strays, it is my fault.
This goes beyond the theory of giving and receiving - it's intimating and demanding. And a complete lame excuse, stated in advance, to 'protect' his own self-absorbed interest when this actual occasion arises. He had previous sexual activities with his 'sexy' ex-gf back then and because they played him, he prefer someone more down to earth like yourself currently. I don't know if you have already made known to him that you are conversative by nature, but because you demonstrate the kinda of quality he is looking for NOW: what comes together, comes in a package.
Quote:
He wants to settle down with a "proper" girl and "gentle" girl.
You want a proper girl, yet you don't want the 'proper' girl to be proper. (I am not saying people who indulge in pre-marital sex are not proper, rather, it's a similar expression of saying a man who demanded a virgin wife, yet wants her to be a sex goddess). Kinda wtf.So what if the relationship is four years? So what if you are already in your late twenties? Basically, all these figures don't really matter much without your personal 'love investment' consideration for this relationship. You are with a bf who introduces a third party into the relationship, causing serious upheaval, JUST because he wants to change your mindset about pre-marital sex. Let me ask you: would things be very different if you were to change your mindset back then?
What will change? In fact, nothing much.
It's no longer about the sex issue - it has bring forth new factors that has almost eliminated the pre-marital sex problem in your relationship: The empathy, trust, foundation and everything else in the relationship have shook violently, leaving a trail of smoky dust, bearing pure evidences of how weak your relationship is.
Let me tell you, ANY one girl would have the ability to destroy your relationship. Even if they don't, you wouldn't have that power to endure affairs-of-your-man for long.
You need more than just communication - its almost like rules stating. You present your personal proposal on what you expect in a BGR, against what he sees in one. Learn to suck-it-up and compromise or die in the process. If certain critical clauses are left in a stalemate, congrats him on his future relationship and bid him farewell.
P.S: If you two are not looking in the same direction, its kinda difficult to substain your relationship ultimately, even if the relationship continues to run. Same direction as in having good knowledge of how your OWN relationship works and work around it. If you have to end a relationship, dragging it served as a burden for everyone involved. That may not be a product of love - more like insecurity and fear to move on.
You got to know the difference.
Cheers
Aunt Agony 300505
Quote:
Originally posted by Under-construction:
7 months ago, I found the love and happiness of my life. I met her. She was such a nice person always so loving and caring. We got together just after 1 month and after 1 meeting. First 2 months were honeymoon and it was so wonderful. But as time passes, she started to display all her bad points which were so terrible that i didnt know what to do. I did treat her with all my heart and love her but there were so many times when she make me so frustrated.
Then came that very very unfortunate day, I admit that my temper wasnt very good and I like to settle things very fast (especially relationship problems). She got very unhappy and refuse to talk to me. I tried to ask whats wrong but she simply dont want to talk. Out of frustration, I grab her tightly. She slap me then I did something which I never should - I hit her back!!!
I really regret what I did. Really.
I lost control that day and my frustration got over me. I really wanted so much to spend the rest of my life with her. Now everything is over cos I did the ultimate unforgiveable things!
Now my life is in a big mess and i seems to be living for nothing. I hate what i did but i cannot change the fact that i did it. I really want to be with her but after what i done, i really dont think that is possible anymore.
I have very few friends, thats why i pour out my feelings here.
1 remorseful guy,
Whom dont have 2 chances.
You began your relationship rather hastily; just after a month and within one date and bloom - the relationship is born. It could be true for your intense feelings for her; the passion and everything else, but to be frank, it may not be quite equal on the other side.Merely two months into the reality of Love and you see cracks of individual personality. I would tell you it's a perfectly natural process; what matters is how you handle your relationship after the sweet honeymoon has passed and not what's sweet and loving in the beginning. It's pretty sad to realise that you hit her over some minor dispute; you ought to realise that EVEN if she is your wife, there are no reasons justifiable for such reaction.
The violence indicates not the lack of love - rather the helpless agony of a man who fell before the cruel reality of his own relationship. Love cannot be subdue (via Mars), it can only be tamed (via Venus). To ignore the usage of proper communication as a matured couple will serve to fail your own relationship even if problems are minor and insignificiant like your thingy.
This Love is young; she probably still have the ability to escape the clutches of the relationship without much emotional issues. From your post, your had probably lost this love... already. The only consolation is that, if you learn this the hard way, make sure this lessons stays with you for life. To dump away what you have gain, is as good as sacrificing future relationship with history repeats.
P.S: Actually, you have your second chance; that's your next relationship - my promise to you.
Cheers
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Aunt Agony 230505
Quote:
Originally posted by c2on2:
it was more than half a year ago, when i first saw the gal in my one of my uni classes. Back then, i developed a crush for her but secretly just keep it by myself and din do anything about it.We were not even friends but i think were just merely classmates who knew each other's names as we were in a particular module's class. Time pass and its a new semester, we are now totally different classes and there was no chance of meeting each other. Somehow as i was helping my fren to buy some things, i managed to get her hp number as my fren told her that she also wanted to buy. So as a kind and helpful person, i sms her regarding this and din wanna expect much as i just oni wanna help out of kindness with no other intentions. i would say its a miracle out of the blue when we actually start to be friends. There were MSN chats, smses. And slowly i felt this gal whom is my secret crush is trying to get to know me. Until one day, she asked me out for some activity. And tats when we started chatting on the telephone. I did some soul searching and considerations, thinking why not try to be closer to her since she is my crush and i felt there was some interest. so i proceeded to accelarate and get closer to her. We chatted a lot, sms more, tok on the fone too , started to sit together at the lectures and occasionally have meals and go out together. All this gave me an impression that its possible between me and her. and i decided to confess my feelings to her on valentines day that i like her. She did not comment much but also did not reject me. So our normal activities like chatting, sitting together, msging one another, etc continues. until one day i asked her to be my gf. Again she did not accept and did not reject or avoid me. So i was rather confident that i can get this gal to be my gf. thinking that she wanted to wait after the dreaded exams. i continue to shower her with sincere care and concern. until one day , i found out from her that she is uncertain if i am the guy for her. and has no confidence and assurance if this relationship will work out well. I was very sad but persisted to fight for what i cherish. I told her i love her and have a serious talk with her. She felt the love from me from the things i did, and she appreciate some of them which i had done for her. but she claimed tat she felt my courting is not enough. i was also commented as being a boring person and unromantic. timid and scared of things and need to be more man. The way i dress when i went to meet her for dates and the my height and unbroad shoulders were also mentioned. I was kinda disappointed in this gal whom i love so dearly. i feel that She is demanding a lot from me. and din realli get to know my good points. though i admit i can an ordinary guy with no riches, no car, and oni mediocal looks. Unromantic as i seemed, but deep down i know she understands that i sincerely care and love her. Those small simple things which i had done for her. i feel unappreciated. Is it because she is rather immature in the way she defines her suitable guy? is there really a criteria or a limit as to what type of person u will love? she is also not perfect but i had unconditionally accept her to be my soul mate whom i placed at the centre of my universe. seemed to me that she wanted to some changes in me and she told me i also need to think of more ways to convince her to accept me as her guy. Seems to me she does not like me for who i am. I had talks with my close friends who told me to just give her up cause its a presurrising and unhappy relationship if somehow i managed to court her. kind people of aunt agony, pls share ur advice to me. i am on at a loss. could she be playing with my feelings all along?
Thanks for your kind help/advice.
Believe it or not, consciously or unconsciously - we calculate and factor in certain attributes or qualities of our potential partner to deem if he/she is suitable for a relationship. Love and Relationship is strongly co-related, however, they are still separate entities (meaning you can love someone, but you choose to opt out in a relationship structure). You must understand that you had an immerse crush on her, but it is not the same way round. She treated you like a good friend, with improving impression, but do you consider it anywhere near the border of love? Not entirely.Because you do not belong to the category of guys whom she will have hasty infatuation for - you have tap on honest, dependable characteristic to sell yourself. This is a good thing and do not be discourage with whatever you are doing.
And because she doesn't fell hard enough, technically, she has her own rights to choose the kind of partners she seek. Reality is pretty cruel: do not presume that just because you treated a girl well and shower all your love and affection onto, something gonna happen. Something is amiss here; regardless of the goodwill and stuff you always did, she just doesn't fall hard enough... for a relationship to begin on proper basis.
Therefore she has chosen an alternative: attempting to shape her given variables to convince her heart to accept you into a relationship. Her psyche would probably react like this:
'Ok fine, I think he's a good guy. I don't know if I love him anot (or even so, not till that extend), but I don't mind giving him a chance. But I must have that reason for myself to give him that chance.
Advice?
There's no such thing as zero risk in relationship: there's no relationship without tears as well - it's all about decisions and the path we opt for. If you have come so far, just to give it up, you got to tell yourself that you won't ever look back and regret.
You could also TRY to fill-in-the-blank with what's missing currently and create a relationship with her. It could be difficult to define each other's love definition, individual expectation, etc - however, we will learn two very important skills: compromising and evolving. It will be difficult though, but at the very least, you won't regret having to give up when you had the advantage to do something about it.
Cheers
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Aunt Agony 180505
Quote:
Originally posted by Steph84:
thanks for ur insightful reply...
I think in my bf's view, all is well... he is the happy-go-lucky sort.. i think he feels that if there is love, anything goes.... but me, on the other hand, feels that though love is important, other things like financial stability, a man's ambitions and etc, are equally important also.
Actually i have raised this issue to him many many many many times.... and u should see how i nag him to study.... i really feel at times like, how come he is so many years my senior, and yet so immature and lazy....... in my view, he doesn't set his priorities right. He is never consistent in his studies... and when his lousy results come out, he sinks into depression. And yet, when a new sem starts, he never learns from his mistakes.
The thought of leaving him flashes acrosses my mind often.. but, i also feel that i shouldn't be so cruel to him... cos his life depends much on me, i feel... financial-wise, mental support and company.... he doesn't have much close friends... i also know he is the kind of guy with a fragile heart.... hai... so i feel if i leave him, he sure very sad... this is also keeping me with him....
of cos, our many happy times together also makes me attached to him.... anyway, now i realise that getting out of a serious relationship is such a complex thing... it is never simple as just taking a knife to chop off all ties... i will let nature take its course i guess.
It seemed to me that you did numerous attempt in trying to instill the kind of drive for him to work towards his own future (and the relationship), however it also seemed that your message didn't get across somehow. Getting him to study is level one, knowing WHY and the REASON behind it is level two - he never seemed to knew the ACTUAL reason because he probably thought that you are doing your duty as gf to nag him to.The idea behind the whole communication wasn't communicated effectively - futile.
If you have to trash things out, then you have to. Reason being very simple: you will likely to leave him for another man if things continues: this is a straight fact. You two share very different attitude and preception towards your own relationship and eventually it will cause a breakdown somewhere.
Love is about looking in the same direction, not just at one another - you can't survive a relationship simply through your sweet little things. Its memorable, no doubt about it, but you will need more substance if you desire your relationship to go somewhere.
P.S: Extinguish all forms of self pity - your relationship will go nowhere with it.
Cheers.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Aunt Agony 160505
Quote:
Originally posted by Steph84:
Hi there...
Let me descibe the situation...
You have a stable bf of 1.5 yrs.. the 2 of u all are comfortable with each other, know each other inside out, had ur share of major quarrels n all... ur bf consider the relationship a stable one... a dependable one....
But you, on the other hand, think that u can do with more security in the relationship. Ur bf's family background is not exactly desirable... he's is less well-off than you. In fact, you have to pay more on dates and also at times take care of his financial needs.
The most inportant factor troubling you is the attitude he holds towards his studies. He is faring poorer than u. A partner fares poorer than u doesn't appeal to u.
Nonetheless, time has told u he is loving and caring most of the time... during this period that the two of you are together.
Recently, you met this new guy.
You do not yet know that much about his family background, but he seems to be better off than ur bf. He also seems to be more goal-oriented and steadfast in working out his life. Education-wise, he fares better than ur bf. In fact, he's just graduated and will be working soon.
So far, he is nice, gentlemanly and all... and the two of u get along great... despite knowing each other not for long, the 2 of you are really comfortable with each other. The few dates that you've been on with him, you throughly enjoyed yourself. He has also expressed his interest in pursuing a relationship with you clearly.
What'd you do in such a situation? Risk it with the new guy u met? Or think that love conquers all and rough it out with ur bf and see wad is the ending?
You have probably experience new phrases in your preception of BGR subconsciously. Previously, what you deemed as acceptable, changeable or even able to compromise, has evolved. The biological and natural woman's 'investment' needs spring forth - the greater need for financial-related-future security.
This is pretty normal (especially if you are Virgo, Capricorn or Taurus).
Your last paragraph speaks of your possible options: you could either try it out with the new guy or rough it out with your current bf. However, pretty likely, I could see your desire to break free from this relationship.
Quote:
A partner fares poorer than u doesn't appeal to u.
You are entitlted to the kind of partner you seek, obviously if your boyfriend doesn't appeal to you and you are remaining in the relationship for the sake of duty, responsibility and probably due to length of time, something is really wrong somewhere. You also note that this anti-seductive-passion-killing thingy is all about you, while your boyfriend, is presuming, being pretty happy in the relationship.
Nothing works one-sided.
Always attempt to save your ship before you abandon it, like what the navy captain would do in event of a damaged ship. Repair, repair and repair until you find that it's getting hopeless, before you call for a abandonment. IMHO, you haven't reach to that stage yet, then seek out proper communication channels to discuss these sticky issue like matured couple.
You MUST let him know about your dis-satisfaction about the current bleak future and MUST either motiviate, propose a mutual solution or both. From there, you will make your own judgement.
Cheers
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Aunt Agony II 120505
Originally posted by kitji:
Hi,
I have a prob that has been bothering me since last night. Needs advice.
My fiance and I are planning to ROM this year. We have been together for almost 2 years now.
He used to be in a relationship with this fren of mine, which I saw named her as Elle.
Barely 2 months into the relationship, Elle broke up with him. Not long after, my fiance and I committed into a new relationship. It was full of ups and downs, problem mainly lies in my shortcomings. In the beginning of this year, everything went on smoothly for us for I've compromised and learnt to correct my shortcomings and so did my fiance.
Last 2 weeks ago, we decided to ROM as we feel that time is right and we have learnt to accomodate and love each other for what and who we are.
Last night, I went out for dinner with Elle and shared with her this piece of news. She looked surprised and shared with me that in Feb, my fiance had met her for lunch (which I was aware of) and was sharing with her about us being not compatible in some ways and he wasn't sure if we were able to work out.
I was quite disturbed with what was shared with me. However, there was a turning point in my relationship with my fiance in March when he was in India for business trip. The short duration made us realise how important our presence means to each other. Things change very much for the better since then and he popped the BIG question 2 weeks ago.
Elle told me not to think too much and perhaps things really work out now and thus whatever was shared with her would very much be invalid but somehow, I have a problem in convincing myself.
What're your opinions then? All I know is that my fiance and I are able to get along very well and we're very much in sync but is such fact enough? My heart and intuition tell me that he's the one but why am I still bothered with what was shared with me last night?
What she is saying may be true and if she didn't have ulterior motives, there is no reason why she could lie. But do note that the cusps of the problem doesn't lies with what she says or does she have any hidden motives or whatever - its about YOU.
Your man probably said that as part of a conversation with a friend about his relationship, but does that suggest anything negative? To me, it's merely a causal rant, mixed with a little small worry about his relationship.
OMG, at least your man worries about your relationship with you (If it means anything to you: it would be completely different if he tells her that, while react normally to you in day to day life. Of course, yours is not the case, as he popped the big question: his actions speaks louder than words).
'You have your flaws... yes... but I am willingly to work with you, through a marriage...'
Have you considered this as the actual idea?
P.S: If you wanna ride better through your relationship, learn to extinguish the flame of negativity. It will help you so much.
Cheers
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Aunt Agony II 100505
Quote:
Originally posted by slamdoink:
Well, it had happened again… this time round I lose the battle. My gf went to work as usual and I asked if she wanted mi to fetch her home after her work. She said she need to do OT and might be late. So I said ok and if you changed your mind, I will be here.
The next morning, I received an SMS from her.
She told me she met up with her ex and her ex told her; he wanted to settle down with her as in get married with her. They told thru the nite and they make out.
I was shocked when she told mi that and the first thing that comes to my mind wasn’t the make out part but rather would she still want mi? we talked for couple of hours and she hinted she wanted to be with me. She just need time to settle things with him. And she did!!! He was out of her life!!! However he played the disappearing act and it caught my gf attention. She felt lost and seems like she cant live without him!!!
They patched back after she told me she had chosen mi. she say sorrie and sorrie… im not angry with her actually I encourage her. Cos if you never try, you will always be bother about this… am I stupid or wat… but I just lost the battle…
i love her a lot but i cant bear to see her to be sad... well once always say is better to have two happy person rather than to have three sad people...
but i really love her... can someone just pull mi out from this black hole!!!
It's a young relationship unaccustomed to its new future; your love is 4 months old, but it seemed that life before the relationship is born is pretty vague. It seemed to me that you don't really know the woman you are getting before jumping into a relationship. If she has an unsettled affair/relationship with her ex, by knowing that piece of information in the first place, would it change anything? Possibly, it would caution yourself before devoting your time and love into this BGR.
Interestingly, you are not really bothered by her act of infidelity, but the question of whether she wants the relationship hovers your heart. And what on earth are you encouraging her? A love blinded Leo? Blinded by the affection and love this karmic relationship brings forth and veils your senses?
Don't be a fool.
If you can't bear to see her sad and since she loved her ex, probably as much as you did to her, then what's holding you back? What's holding you back, if you truely understood what you just posted?
You are likely a substitute/rebound for her ex and she played an emotional parasite on her part. She wants to move on, but the variables were: she got into a relationship with you and trying to move WHILE handling you and her past simultaneously. This process leeched emotional energy, mental strength and summon rain of tears. Somewhat like a soul being captured by demonic powers and you are needed to remove that vile thing. Of course, you will be drained... probably to death, dry and parched.
She was never ready for a relationship with you - this is a untold truth.
Why?
If love is in the picture, would that scenario ever happen? She would probably struggle emotionally, but it could still be manageable. Making out? Can't live without him? Leave you whenever she found his presence? Is this the so called love you are getting?
Don't be deluded by false love; she has made her choice. It's your call.
Cheers
Aunt Agony I 100505
Quote:
Originally posted by be_myself:
Dear Aunt Agony, Hi. I'm writing here because I'm at a loss.... I'm
21, currently studying in a tertiary instituion. Hmmmm.... I have problems
choosing between 2 guys. Let's call them Mr A and Mr C.
Mr A is my current schoolmate whom I got to know a year ago doing a school project. But we didn't keep in touch and I many months later (recently), I bumped into him in school again. After that, we met for lunch, followed by more lunches subsequently. Now he asked me out and message me everyday so the hint that he is interested is pretty broad.
Mr C is someone I know for....... like 8 years because he's my secondary school classmate. He liked me for 6 years now. I didn't know he likes me until last year when he told me. I was very surprised... and touched by his sincerity but initially, I didn't like him because of his size.... he's very overweight and I thought we are quite different and not suitable for each other. But he never failed to touched me with his sincerity. I remember he gave me a very big help a couple of times....
Mr A... is 24 years old, very smart, driven and capable. Unlike Mr C, he's tall and skinny. Hmmm.... I'm not very sure about what his character is like because I don't know him for long. I do know that we have different religions. Character is a very important criteria for me cos I'm very afraid to make the mistake of choosing someone like my ex - stingy, unfaithful and nit-picking. Mr C is definitely a very nice guy but he's quite immature and because he's my age, he still has to study for a few years while I work. As for Mr A, older and more mature, I think he'll go far but character wise, I know very little. I need more time to get to know Mr A but I can tell Mc C is definitely a nicer person as in less temperamental, more honest....
I think I know that Mr C likes me a lot and is very accepting, very
accommodating to me. I feel more at ease with him too cos he's my sec school friend. Mr A.... studied at very good schools in the past, unlike me whom come from a very mediocre school. I feel that I have to "act more
intelligently" all the time. Heh...
I don't know which to be with. If I go with Mr A, I'll break Mr C's heart. And is Mr A really worth that although he's smart, capable and everything? Or should I just go with Mr C who likes me a lot, with good
character, a simpler and more innocent person.... Opinions? I would really, really appreciate advices and opinions.... Thank you!
Currently, you are attempting to choose a partner consciously. It's a good thing, but the facts you are having is not sufficient for you to make a sound decision. I could see your fear and insecurity in beginning a new relationship. Your past relationship spoke alot of your current emotional mindset and it would be good if you know how to channel these into positive vibes, instead of degenerating with your past.Remember, you don't have to promise yourself anything. Eventually, even if you decide not to pursue either guys, its completely ok. Do not tie yourself with making a decision even before you had the thought of making that decision. You must keep your options open and see how fate plays its part before you make your final answer.
The qualities you are looking for ultimately may extend beyond that of stability. You may use time to explore the possibility (As an interesting note: going by statistic, the chances for YOU to enter a relationship with A is significiant higher. Don't ask me why because it would be another topic altogether).
P.S: Are you a Virgo, Taurus or Capricorn?
Cheers
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Aunt Agony 010505
Quote:
Originally posted by tiffanie:
Is it true that a 16 year old is definitely not mature enough to understand what exactly is love between a girl and a guy?
A 16 years old may know nuts about love, what makes you think a 24, 30, 44 or even older understand it? Your maturity and wisdom in love doesn't neccessary equate to your chronological age. Why? A 16 years old is more prone to deceptive relationship? Esp girl? Cheated of money and virginity? I am so sure you people have friends suffering from the above causes who are 20, 30 or even older; it's the individual's life, not exactly the age.Seriously speaking, I suppose contrary to most people, I believe that 16 - 19 years old is a good time to explore the issue of love. The time to experience the reality of love and hurt cycle. Please note that likely, relationship at those age may not last, a fringing` big however is that we all have to begin from somewhere and who says anything about BGR to a marriage-a-must in the first place?
What grave mistakes... which contributed much to the current rate of divorce. If the Lego bricks you are using can't finish your final product: either you change different tiles or change your final product. Don't FORCE these sets of different tiles in trying to build your original final product; you will never be able to create that foundation and outlook. It will fail outrageously.Ok, pressure from your biological clock AND parents/relatives
/friends are influncing you into this thinking greatly: Love will ultimately lead to marriage which will produce happiness in the process. Yes, this IS the ideal love, but are we living in an ideal world? Can love be that simple? Embrace the new-age theory: Love is Love; marriage is the emotional & spirtual evolvement of love. If you can't even handle your basis cell block of marriage - namely the spirit of love in your relationship, there is simply no way you could talk about marriage.
P.S: To your question: yes, I doubt they are matured yet, but everyone is learning, at all age. Whether you think you are suitable for a relationship at 16, it's up to YOU as an individual, not exactly your age. if you think you are not, then you are not. Many a times, love's lessons is absolute, regardless of age, it just come and thrown right into your face.
Cheers
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