Aunt Agony 231214

Originally posted by Cycloneeee:

I recently broke up with my ex. Here's the story.

He's serving NS now and i left him not because of NS. For the duration that we've been together, i try my best to make time for him during the weekends by clearing and rushing all my schoolwork on weekdays so that i can spend my weekends with him. I always spend 1-2 hrs travelling to his house every weekend because we live very very far from each other. He never fetches me from the bus stop or the mrt and on one occasion, i got lost on the way. He got really angry that i got lost and scolded me for not being able to navigate properly. 

I understand that army guys are normally really tired and stuff so i don't expect him to travel to my house or send me home. And i also understand that he's really busy during the weekdays so i don't expect him to text me or call me much. So i do try to initiate conversations occasionally like asking how he is and stuff although he never asks about how i am doing or what i'm busy with. 

Every time we quarrel, he never fails to bring up things like "maybe you should go find your perfect guy somewhere else" or "i just want an ideal girlfriend", things that suggest that we should part ways.

Recently we got into a huge argument over something minor that was my fault, and he said truckloads of hurtful stuff to me. Things like "i don't give a fuck if you are hungry, that's your problem. The thing is, I'm hungry". And when i try to apologise for my actions that i sincerely felt was wrong, he pushed me away, swore at me and said something like "don't touch me, i don't give a single fuck about your sorry". And when i asked why he wasn't appreciative of the time i sacrificed for him, he said "All you do is take taxi over to my house" and when i clarified the fact that i am a student and i don't earn to be able to pay for taxi fare to and from his house, he said "i don't give a fuck. That's your problem. I didn't say you couldn't take taxi." And after that he went on to say how ever since i came into his life, i spent my weekends with him and so he doesn't have time to go out with his friends, go to bars and how i don't like it when he goes to club. Thing is, throughout the time we spent together he never brought up these issues. It just seems like he said all this out of anger. And all this happened after he told me to leave his house at around 8pm when it was already dark. He just said "Just leave, i don't want to see you again" and even went on to ask me if he needed me to open the door for him. I believe he treats his parents, loved ones and ex-girlfriend like this too because his parents don't really like talking to him.

Thing is, i did love him. I loved him alot. I tried to understand that he's tired, stressed, angry. And i used to complain that he didn't text me enough, didn't give me enough attention but i stopped because i knew i was being unreasonable. I stopped demanding for so much attention. Maybe i didn't know how to express it properly but i did love him. I would always look forward to Fridays because i'd get to see him and hug him after a whole week of not talking and communicating much. That whole incident tore me apart, being told by someone you love so much to leave and they didn't want to see you again. I just don't know how to fight back or stand up for myself anymore. 

He did apologise after that and told me that he would never tell me to leave or say such things again. He told me he still loved me and that he still cares. To be fair, he does bring me out for dinners, meals and pays for alot of the stuff. 

I thought about this for the entire night and decided that it was time to leave this toxic relationship. I cut off all contact with him and just left. Right now, i am trying to stay positive so that i can start the healing process. Its difficult because i am constantly replaying all the hurtful things he said to me in my head and i'm constantly beaten down. I feel bad about myself and i feel that i'm not worth anything. Also, i keep getting the urge to contact him and return to the vicious cycle again. (I haven't so far)

My question is, what could i have done better? Is he the problem or am I the problem? Conflicts are bound to arise because we are two different people. People quarrel to fix problems, come to a compromise or understand the reason for the other party's actions, not to blame each other for their differences. What could i have done better to get my point across without sounding like i'm blaming the other party? Can i blame him entirely for treating his loved ones like this or does he have some other deep seated issues that he didn't tell me? Is he just stressed from NS and taking it out on me? Is there any way i can help him even though we have broken up? 

I am not the best girlfriend, but i want to be a better girlfriend in my next relationship. Thanks for reading guys :)



It can be considered a toxic relationship because when he loses his temper, he lashed it out uncontrollably like a barbed whip. And because you are on the receiving end, I am sure the impact is debilitating. Somehow, he doesn't seem competent in having the ability to manage his feelings reasonably and may have difficulty in dealing with relational-trust-emotional-intimacy issues.

From your writing, I can tell that you really want to help him. However, before you decide to plunge into this love version of messiah complex, be very mindful of the fact that leading a relationship isnt tantamount to doing social work. More often than not, your engagement would naturally involve certain degree of personal cost and sacrifice - which is also ultimately meaningless because you are technically out of the picture already (namely no longer in the relationship with him).

By asking how you could do better is already an indication to me that you will surely become a better girlfriend. The philosophy is not so much about the 'how', but more on the 'why'.

"Why is being a better girlfriend so important for you?"

My assumption for the above question (on your behalf) is that you probably want a fulfilling relationship that could hopefully last till the end and you want to make sure that the only controllable factor - which is yourself - can be tweak to improve the probability of that happening.

If I am largely right, then ultimately, self growth with volition will surely lead you to quality and excellence.

***

There are some probable directions for you to proceed via self discovery and I will frame it in four questions for you to ponder about (you don't really have to answer me though):

i) What attracts you to this guy? (e.g. he is dependable)

ii) How come you are attracted to these qualities/example mentioned? (because I like stability in a man).

iii) What are the 'side effect' of being attracted to these sort of qualities/example mentioned? (e.g. he is boring).

iv) If what you want is a fulfilling relationship, then for the qualities/example mentioned above, are these qualities/example fundamental for you to ensure a fulfilling relationship (in your perspective)?  (e.g. between fun needs and stability, it is fundamentally more important for me to be in a stable relationship).

Cheers

Aunt Agony 221214

Originally posted by Rock_Sugar:

Hi all, I had this situation which bother me for quite sometime. Maybe I need someone to talk to or a good brother and sister here can offer me a constructive advice on how to deal with my current situation.

In the middle of this year, I met this girl from Thailand via online, I thought to myself that it would be a bonus thing to have an additional overseas friend. So we have been constantly keeping in touch.

Moving forward, I booked a flight to Bangkok for 4 days in the mid of Nov to celebrate my birthday. I asked her if she’s interested to tag along as I’ve booked a room for 2. She agreed immediately. So that night when I landed at Bangkok, I meet up with her and she tour me around the place as I’m relatively new to Bangkok. When I’m with her, she gave me the unwanted attention such as hugging and touching, we had some physical intimacy but there’s no sexual involved.

The next day as it was my birthday, that night we went to drink, she surprised me with a birthday cake which got my attention on her even more.

As the time goes on, I feel that I beginning to fall for her very deeply.

4 days has passed and I’m flying back to Singapore, I kept on thinking of her since I landed back approximately a month ago.

I thought to myself that it may be a temporary lust and would eventually go away in a couple of days but unfortunately it didn’t end here.

I’ve returned to work and my mind kept on lingering about her. Felt extremely distracted and couldn’t focus, it’s only a temporary fun time there and I probably wouldn’t want to contact her unless I wanted to go to Bangkok again.

I consult my friend who is better dealing in relationship, he advice that Thailand is very popular of this love spell, witchcraft, etc and maybe I have been infected by her works, I can’t be certain and I wouldn’t want to jump into conclusion.

Every night when I got into bed, I kept thinking of her again and again. It’s already a month since I went to Bangkok and it’s never end. The feeling is overwhelming. Please advice. Thanks in advance.



Actually, you did not articulate your real concern, so I can only infer based on what you have shared.

I am assuming that you are single: seemed to me that you are worried about forming a relationship with this girl, whom I assumed that you are worried about her having hidden agenda beyond that of a simple friendship.

I don't know about witchcraft but surely if that is what you are experiencing, then the sorcery is probably called infatuation; it affect millions of people all over the world with varying intensity. Hence the conclusion you need is not about trying to break some 'dark enchantment spell', but rather the critical insights to understand what are you lacking in your current situation that is being fulfilled through your interaction with her.

If there is a subconscious need for longing of intimacy (doesn't matter if it's a short term lust or a desire for long term love and belonging), then your experience with her merely manifested and mirrored what you are actually going through internally - in other words, imagine some kind of wild surge happening and you inevitably become the target of your own spell.

I have two questions:

i) What is stopping you from pursing this relationship further?

ii) I am curious about the idea behind your initial intention when you book a room for 2 and asked her along; for someone you don't really know very well (vice versa) and for her to accept your proposal, my guess is that it somehow already set the stage for the type of experience you should be anticipating. Hence, I honestly think that you shouldn't feel as startled about the 'unwanted attention' because the logical sequencing of unfolding events are within expectation.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 151114

Originally posted by Blackops 74:

Hi All

Currently I am serving NS. There's this girl whom was my previous poly classmate. We are together for 3 Years 2 months whom just called it quits with me over Family Related Issues and Time Commitment as I am currently in NS. And as I do shift work my weekends are not guranteed.

She broke the news first to me via text as first saying she is considering our relationship as she was very stress with her studies, personal commitments, Family Issues as well as Extra Curricular Activities in school. We thrashed matters over massage as she was busy mugging for her Quizzes up in a few days time. I even dropped by her school to look for her unannounced to tell her how much I miss her and love her and we talked for a bit before she told me she needed a cooling period to cool off.

Honestly I was devastated and smothered her with messages of how much I love and miss her daily and even called her but to no avail during the cooling off period. I know I should not have done this after consulting some of my friends.

After 1 week she texted me saying she thought enough and that she came to a decision. That she don't think that we can ever resolve the issues that she thinks are problems in our relationship. I replied citing to meet up for her to break the news to me as a courtesy of our 3 years relationship and she agreed to the meet up after her upcoming exams.

I asked her to allow me to buy her a meal when she came over for the agreed agenda. As I really love her and want to chase her back to be part of my life.

Any Recommendations or advice you could give me to make this turnaround a success?



Certainty it sucks having to experience break-up during NS period - especially given that, though you may desire to spend more quality time with her, you are probably fettered by regimental constrains that shackle your time in a major way.

She seemed to have made a calibrated decision and the mutual factors of physical and emotional distance would probably aid her to exit readily. Hence, your chances are probably slim - even if you win this single battle of 'winning her back' now - this relationship would not likely to survive a protracted war.  

You are already doing your best in trying to secure a date with her insofar as you could brandish a fighting chance to convey what you need in hope of having to touch her enough to come back. However, my sense is that any attempt at behaving melodramatically (from you) is likely to reinforce the symbolic message that her choice (to leave this relationship) is more likely to be right than wrong.

She does not actively appear to look for resolving problems in the relationship; she probably gave up trying to manage them and calls to abandon ship - with or without your consent.

P.S: You might feel bitter over this brutal callous reality that she chose to leave you at this juncture - but perhaps some love are akin to bubbles; they are not made to last forever and burst instantly in face of gnawing adversity.

I am sure it is amazingly beautiful while it lasted.

Unfortunately, we can't control when bubbles will disappear - just like we have no control over when love will crumble from within.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 031114

Originally posted by sggalgal:

Hey guys,

Hopefully i can find my answers here.. I am really confused right now. Recently, my girlfriend of 3.5 years started changing after knowing a malaysian guy at her workplace.

Here is a start: When she started working at that place in woodlands, she came to know a malaysian guy which she called sissy sam. Recently, she changed alot and it is really making me feel unsettled.

1. She jumps to that guy's defence when i said he is a sissy while we are talking (She is the one that told me that guy is a sissy and a gigolo). She also keeps mentioning that guy so often until i am so pissed. I also saw photo in her phone which they took together closely side by side while she is scrolling through the gallery.

2. She dolls up alot more often. She suddenly started wearing heavy make up as well as donning really short skirts. I also caught her washing those really sexy lingerie which she only wore when we have intimate couple moments (told me that it made her very 'high' and make her go into the mood for sex). When confronted, she said that she ran out of underwear to wear. (Thats complete bullshit). She refuse to wear it when we had sex during the past few months even after i told her to. She claims it is uncomfortable!

3. She brought clothes for that malaysian guy as well as me. She told me that the clothes was a gift from her mum (Lying). She even show a great deal of concern about the fit of clothes on the malaysian guy and asked for pics of the malaysian guys wearing them while she did not even asked about mine. ( found out when i snooped through her message). I did not even know that the malaysian guy has it as well!

4. She refuses to have sex as well as rejecting my sexual advance. She had also stopped initiating sex and physical contact. She claimed that she wants to be a good girl and wait till marriage. Seriously?

5. She asked that guy out a couple of times (she did not even asked me out for the past few months. We only go out when i asked to)and that malaysian guy even asked her to go jb with him. This is how the conversation went:

Guy: we go jb do tgt lah (facial or smth)

Her: Need ask my mum first worx

Guy: Lie to your mum and say going with bf (me) lah.

Her: going with new bf lo!  haha. :). 

Guy: I know u kidding la. i know we impossible de

Her: Sometimes impossible de stuffs also can happen de.

What the heck is she trying to pull here??? Can someone enlighten me?They also chatted frequently through the night and plan outing tgt while i am sleeping. (Snooped her messages). We have been tgt for 3.5 years alry.. She wont even go to chalet with me but want to go jb with him??

6. My gf started asking me wierd question such as if she could go out with her friends or anything. Why would she even ask that? Trying to make herself feel better for going out with that 'friend' of hers?

7. When we go out, the PDA is still there. But when we are alone, there is none at all.

8. She demands to know where i am everytime.. When i took a bus to her house, she would keep asking about where i am as well as what time i am reaching.etc. is she trying to hide something?

9. She refuse to meet any of my friends anymore even though she knew all of them. We were all ex classmates. She does not want to come to my hse anymore as well...

Guys, I am really feeling shitty here. i am so confused and angry. I even picked up smoking because of this matter. I can't feel her anymore. I know it is wrong for me to snoop her phone. But if i dont, i would have been made to wear green hat without even knowing it.. So guys, please give me some advice. I am really going to snap soon... Any advice will do.. Please dont read and close without replying.. My heart is really hurting as i am typing it... So pls..

Thanks alot...

Heartbroken boy...



Sounds like you are undergoing period of extreme distress. Surely, it must have been terrible to experience the change of attitude towards the relationship and for you to feel disconnected from your significant other in accentuated tangible manner.

There seemed to be serious fissures in your relationship; my guess is that communication channel appears to be broken. Even though there might be reconciliation efforts to bridge understanding by talking about issues - my hypothesis would be that any attempt to gain insights are likely to be marred by blaming stance that would fuel arguments and/or incongruence in communication patterns.

This is not likely to be an overnight change; transformation would have manifested prior before your revelation and way before your internal alarm started shrieking uncontrollably.

***

It's arduous (next to impossible) to do any form of recovery work if 'to-surface-the-white-elephant-in-the-room' conversation doesn't occur. What I mean is that you already have some form of intuitive conclusion that she might be planning a strategic exit through inductive reasoning of your experience in your relationship with her. Hence, to confront this conclusion is critical if you want to know if your premises are true but the conclusion be false. This would result in invalidity of your knowledge of what's really happening in the relationship and allows opportunity to raise conversation to truly find out the source of change and possibility of working for positive resolution.

As it is likely that the decomposition of the relationship has probably inflicted great deal of damage, any delay would probably lengthen your unspoken suffering and the excruciating pain of ambivalence.

Surely 3.5 years of relationship is at stake; however without reflective evaluation of your current relationship, any years beyond this point merely serve as a number trophy that is ultimately meaningless.

Cheers  

Aunt Agony 021114

Originally posted by MssyJo:


Need some 3rd party opinion on what happened. 

I am deciding if I should try and salvage this rs or I should move on.. we are only 2 months in this rs. I know its new. But, i don't really wish to just let it go like this, yet, I don't know if he is worth holding on to?

Knew him in June this year thru a event. We hit off very well & we dated. So eventually we got together in end Aug. He was all along pretty ok to me, and i thought nothing bad about him until this saga. He appears to be a proper guy who treats a lady well. But theres a lot of times he always tells me he is earning a lot and he wants to spend it on gf (which was me) so he always tells me not pay for anything. I feel that he gets satisfaction from being superior, Somehow i get the feel that he is a MCP.

Anyway heres the issue:

It started off as on Monday, he suggested to do a day trip JB for spa treatment & he asked if I can take leave. I agreed to it, so we planned it to be on Thursday. I remembered he ever told me before he doesn't dare to drive in to Jb previously. So I asked him how do he intend to go in this time round? He told me will drive in. So I take it as he has thought about it. Then he proposed to do a stayover on wed night in JB to avoid the morning jam even tho I told him theres no need to do so, he insisted he wants to do so. I find it amusing but I still agree to his plans anyway. So we arranged that he pick me up at 10pm and we will go in jb.

But at around 8pm, he suddenly dropped me a text. He said he think its better NOT to drive there at night. A bit worried. Shall we take a bus in & then cab to the hotel instead?

I was quite taken aback when he suddenly have this change of mind. But I replied him that I am not too sure about this cos, honestly, taking a cab in JB at night is not really a good idea to me. I personally had a bad experience with JB cabbies. I mean if its so much of a concern for him then why not go in the next day then? its daytime afterall.

Then I still jokingly say :aiyo bf u very cute leh if u don't dare to drive in at night then u shldnt suggest a stay over mah.... I tot u shld have considered this b4 hand & I did ask u about it mah right?

then he just replied me : OK

I then told him then that's the case maybe I think we don't go in at night as I rather we take a bus in the next day, daytime since he is not comfy to drive in.

He replied me: I tot taxi should be easy. If I drive, u r ok?

But before I could reply anything, he suddenly replied, Ok , Nvm forget it then. I asked him forget what thing? Is he unhappy or something?

He just replied me: Its ok.

I sensed something is wrong so i asked him, bf, if u are unhappy I would like to know what happened, did I say something wrong here?

He then told me that he was excited to go in but was disappointed cos he didn't realise that I am not accommodative to his suggestion to take a cab in. But nvm. he will cancel the hotel and we go in tml.

So I replied him, maybe I can explain myself. I told him its not that I am not ok with taking bus or cab, its just that there's really potential danger to take cabs at night. But having say that, I am flexible to other ideas. but it seems like he is unhappy with me not taking his suggestions.

then he said its ok we will go in tml.

But u see the point is, all these abrupt sudden change of decisions here & there, & his unhappiness etc makes me feel that i no longer feels like going after such a hoo-ha. we will be pulling a long face to each other tml. i don't want to meet up just for the sake of doing so.
And honestly, i tot i should be the one having the need to be upset for this sudden change of plans, which i didn't.

So i told him maybe tml don't go in, go in another time.

He just replied OK.

I told him, i don't want both of us to pull a long face when we see each other (cos i am abit scared of him giving me black faces tml) Then he totally ignored me until the next day. i cldnt take it, i called him, wanting to talk things out, asking him how can we solve this incident?

He didn't really want to listen to me but just only tells me he don't see why I decided not to go in eventually & he finds me unaccommodating not to take a cab in when he feels that its perfectly ok. I asked him, have u travelled to JB often? have u took a cab at night in jb before? He say not really.

So i told him, he needs to understand my concerns as well. i am worried for both our safety. I feel that he is not receptive with what i said, so i told him i cant really stand petty guys. I told him to think about it and we ended the call. Then after awhile that's when he dropped me the bomb. he told me he wants a breakup. he says i am too strong for him, not accommodative enough. He is more suitable for a accommodating girl.

Well. all these while i have been always very flexible with whatever his plans is. i just follow what he wants to do. He himself keeps telling me that he finds me very easy to be with, i am very easy going with all his plans. And now for the 1st time i have my own opinions. And he wants to end it? ?

i mean, perhaps he feels that i didn't put things in a nice words enough to him (maybe miscommuncation?) for the whole of this exchange. But i really didn't flare up at all. i was making my statement.

& after he text me for the breakup, I still tried calling him twice, but he refused to answer my calls.

So i replied him in a fit of anger, "asking him is this really what he wants?"
"& if u doesn't even want to give me a proper closure it speaks a lot about u. & u are quite a different person whom u claims to be. i guess the feelings wasn't strong enough for both of us. i have done my part in reaching out but u ignored me tho i find it disappointing too."

"& u r not alone. i too, find that our character doesn't match. u r a nice guy. but i probably prefer a man who is not too narrow-minded and is willing to work things out, making decisions together instead of jumping into conclusions alone. & not being a hypocrite who appears to be a pleaser where in actual fact who just wants his way.
Good luck to finding a accommodating girl. & u r right, with such a mindset of urs, u r indeed more suited for GIRLS.

Yes, at this point, I know my reply might be harsh. But I really felt very maligned and hurt by him, by just wanting to pack up & go without even wanting to seek for a compromise between us. I don't know if I should regret with my reply to him.

Ladies, (or guys) what do u think u would do now? Is he trying to do this to seek for attention?

Please.... I need really concrete sound advise before I decide to salvage or to let go from here...

Anyway we havent been talking since then.

I decided to make the 1st move to call him on Wed. He answered my call & i told him i thought about it these few days & wanted to talk things out. I told him i have been repeatedly reading our msges & realised that its a misunderstanding for the whole incident & hence the hoo-ha.

He told me he did read our msges repeatedly too and he was telling me how he felt. He said i was the one who told him i wanna a breakup 1st.

I told him i dont wish to end things just because of this. Its our 1st quarrel and we are still trying to know each other.

Then he suddenly ask me can we talk face to face instead. BUT, he is flying off until next week. I asked him flying for work? He said no.  I was quite shocked that he is flying cos i remembered he has a very hectic schedule this week at work.

He told me the reason he is flying is cos, SG is very bored & its becos of ME, i think he is very badly hurted and he wanted a break so he just book a tix & fly.

When he told me he is flying, i didnt know how to react & i went silent. He did immediately tries to explain to me its a last minute decision & he just needs a getaway.

So we agreed to meet up next week for talk when he is back.

Do you think we still have a chance?







You probably realized that the amount of reactive response intended (at that moment) to hurt wasn't helping you to build a closer relationship. I am sure you are also hurt by his response insofar that it triggered your inner aggression akin to unsheathing your dagger after kicking him down, so as to stab a couple more times the appease the pride anger.

There are probably two issues:

i) You don't really know him very well and pride is one of the greatest obstacles to any potentially good relationship. Surely the first quarrel would provide great insights into what is there to expect should you continue to pursue this relationship. Hence, you have to decide if this is fundamentally an nonnegotiable compatibility issues that you can or cannot work around.

ii) There are poor conflict management within the relationship and would require some level of serious HTHT to teeth out some critical issues by negotiating and agreeing on some workable format for your relationship. Surely for him to escape overseas because he has been 'badly injured emotionally' may sound somewhat ridiculous/irrational, but it is likely to be his (could be) usual coping mechanism.

It is good that you plan to meet with him to talk things out; both of you might want to have some resolution with regards to (1) how we can avoid wounding each other when we are angry (2) how can we be mindful when we express ourselves.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 200614

Originally posted by Undiscoveredsoul98:

I just need some opinions. Lately ive been helping a best gal friend of mine with money. Ive started giving her some small sum every month as an allowance for her as she is financially drained. 

She knows i love her but she rejected cuz she told me she didnt wanna risk losing the friendship. That was 5 years ago. And recently, she did told me she likes me more than a friend but not to the level of bf. she even call me her special guy friend as im her only guy friend she trust with all her heart. 

Im helping without asking anything in return. I did so because i love her is one thing. Secondly, she needs help and she is a best friend so i cant bear to leave her behind with problem. And she is single again so she cant ask her ex bf for help. 

Ive never hated her or hold grudges against her for rejecting me. She knows that ive always respected her decision even if it hurt my feelings. I know im not gaining anything by doing this for her. But i love her and im ready to sacrifice things for her.

***

A guy friend loves his best girl friend whom only considered him as a best friend wrote her a note saying he has to distant himself from her cuz of the pain he had to deal with of not able to have her. 

After reading his note, she replied to him. She says he can take all the time off he wants but pleaded never to leave her for good or end the friendship. Cuz his absence breaks her heart and him being gone for good is like a missing puzzle piece in her life. She even said she is angry at herself for not able to return his love for her. She will wait for him to come back to her when he is ready to resume the friendship. This guy is her only guy friend she treasured. She felt bad for the whole situation and she cried a lot after reading the note. They had been friends for 10 years.

Is it a good or bad thing? Why cry over a guy whom u dont even love as more than friend? Would appreciate if someone can give a more neutral feedback rather giving negative comments like "friendzone".


***


I know im not gaining anything but why i still do it? Cuz i rather she take my money than she ask from others who would most probably try to advantage of her. Like some men would ask for sex in return. And is it so wrong to give without expecting any returns? Shouldnt love  be abt giving without expecting?




That is assuming that her tears represented love for you, in which I reckoned that it may not necessarily be so.

You may be doing this out of affection, but symbolically, what you might crave is the desired affection you are been unable to obtain successfully thus far. Unconsciously, you might be secretly hoping that something triggers inside her, mystically blossoming into a relationship somehow. Naturally if possible, but more critically, the affection must be mutual.  

Though you may claim that you have no motive behind your action, but I will quote what you mentioned in your earlier post:

[quote] Cuz i rather she take my money than she ask from others who would most probably try to advantage of her [/quote]

That appears to be a warped form of elaborated bribery to keep your woman at bay from other men. I am not attacking the genuineness of your friendship with her - neither am I concluding your action to an aspect of moral behaviour (between 'rightness' or 'wrongness'). It is your thinking process... the rationale of your action that doesn't quite go in sync with your action per se.

My greatest curiosity is not about the act of helping a friend in need, but why the need for 'overly indebtedness' on your part to help a friend in need? When you combine this with unrequited affection from the past, you basically created loads of self confusion via having self justifying principles to effectively disguise the true nature of your motivation.

You may have a coveted need - your need to feel needed by her. So whatever responsive cue she exudes could be masqueraded in your mind as a form of love affection easily.

And this is the point I am driving at; her responses are not necessarily driven by love

You may disagree, but given the fact that the fate on the outcome of your 'relationship' has already been decided by her - which somehow still doesn't give birth to any structural formation of a BGR regardless of the amount of positive feelings, regards or responses she has for you - the unfortunately reality is that she may not be into you romantically.

Indebtedness is not love; you just cannot convert an apple into orange because these are two separate things. What you see as love for her could be a pursuit of blind obsession to get her affection, which may turn out to be a mirage of a karmic relationship.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 290514

Originally posted by Maotouyin:

We are both in the 30s. We went out occasionally and msg each other at times during the first 4 mths and 1 fine day, he asked if we can go into a relationship. As I’m not those who will easily go into a relationship with someone, I took some time to consider before accepting his request. Of cos I did recap on the things
he did, he is filial and other factors which I thought we can try out and understand each other more.

I really feel happy when we went official and he is sweet to sms me to wake up daily, update me some of his daily activities, asked if i have taken my meals, etc. Basically, he shared with me things which I consider silly but I don’t mind. My mind is thinking of him though I’m at work and I feel blessed. Sometimes I will buy his favourite snacks for him and cheer him up whenever he faces challenges at work. During his update of his daily activities, I know that he likes to run as an exercise to keep fit. He runs before going to work and run after work. Wkends will also go running in the morning and evening. We went out a few times after being official during wkend afternoon time frame and we also sms each other at night after he finished his run and before he goes to sleep. He slept very early..can be 9pm-10pm.

One fine day, he went into silent. I’m not sure what has happened to him and I’m worried. I tried to sms him few times and call him but he didn’t pick up. He just replied with sms that he is fine and will be ok after few days. On and off, I still sms him and ask if anything happen to him or his family and need any help. He will just reply dun worry. Silent after 4-5 days, he finally sms that he is sorry for keeping silent. I was trying to ask what exactly happen but he just say “move on” and dun be a spoilt radio so I keep mum.
I do not know what can cause a man to go into silent for so long. From his sms to me after moving on, it seems that his mum is having a persistent cough for few wks and not getting better after visiting the doctor twice. Hence, I shared with him some remedies to cure the cough and eventually it should help because he never mentioned about his mum’s cough anymore though I asked how’s his mum now and he never reply. From this incident, I understand that he belongs to those who will not say anything if he doesn’t want to but I somehow feel that he doesn’t share with me his probs though I’m his gf.

I started to find out that he is a hard core runner as time passed. He will run in the morning before going to work, run during lunch time NOW and run after work.

He started to sms me lesser during wkdays. He will tell me that he is tired after the running and go to sleep and we never have chance to interact much after work on wkdays. Most of the couples went out during weekends and I know that he is a poor planner as he commented that things may change even though well planned. I accepted the fact that he is an ad hoc person and I would suggest the place to go to on a particular wkend 1-2 days before. However, he can comment that he is very tired after the running on that actual day and need to cancel the outing. I commented that he really runs too much and whether he has enough energy to handle other things and his reply was that’s why he needs ample rest after running (indirectly telling me no time for me…?). On another occasion which I did not mention anywhere to go, he will tell me his eye is swollen due to flies getting into his eye while he is running the night before. I was thinking there goes my outing with him again. Somehow, I feel that out wkends outings are due to running and other excuses. He will still goes running with his swollen eyes!

He went into silent on a 2nd occasion which I don’t know why it happens again. I asked him but as usual, he ignore again. I started to think our relationship why it turns out in this manner. Is there anything I have done wrong which causes this withdrawal symptoms from him? I apologize to him if I say or done anything wrong and ask him to move on. He replied me the next day with a smiley face. However, frankly speaking, I still do not know what I have done wrong. I saw a poster which states “Apologizing to the person doesn’t mean you are wrong and the person is right, it shows that you value the relationship more than the person”. I think this statement is quite useful and I believe nobody is perfect and we both have different backgrounds. Each relationship needs both parties to compromise each other and understand each other. If I can just give in and he is happy, I don’t mind to say sorry. We went back to normal days with the limited sms daily and no outings on wkends. Either raining, running too tired or I went overseas for holidays.

The official lasted for 3 months and he is very well planned for his running activities but never plan for our activities. I tried to ask him out for a meal so that we can talk to each other face to face but he never reply. I’m at the cross road, should I continue such an unhealthy relationship or I should persevere? I learn that he has a very bad temper and a MCP. His relationship with his family is also not good and he seldom trust pple. After much consideration, I have decided to break up with him. I wanted to face to face to tell him how I have been feeling the past 1 month but he never want to meet me. He will just sms me. Therefore, in the end, I just sms him that we shall end this relationship. He just replied with a sad smiley face. Frankly speaking, I’m not sure if he is sad or happy.

I’m now at the healing stage. I admit I do miss him else I won’t have posted this. He has other good points but the problem is he doesn’t give me a chance to interact with him properly. He doesn’t trust pple easily and he trust his running world more than his family. A relationship without proper communication is a failure. I rather he “bark” at me when he is unhappy at least I know what he is thinking…..




His running obsession may appears to be an innocent hobby, but it is likely to be symbolic expression of an avoidance attachment type and/or desire to remain in comfort zone. He might have personal issues which he is afraid of diverging; that itself is already a difficult process for any relationship to proceed further.

Running is a highly individualize activity; you do not require anyone to do it with you technically. Hence, a core problem lies with the need for too much 'me' time and too little 'we' time in a non-negotiable manner.

One cannot choose to love deeply and still be invulnerable. The very act of loving would naturally implore us to open up internally and subject ourselves to a mix quantity of pain and pleasure.

During the time when he 'suddenly' go MIA, he is probably contemplating if he should end the relationship. Selfish as it might be, his lack of reasonable explanation for his behavior is a likely indicator that he is not willing to make the choice to terminate the relationship but resort to 'push factors' to drive you away, insofar that you would make the choice to end it instead. Therefore, ending the relationship on your side might be mere formality.  

P.S: At this juncture, what you need is probably a man - not a boy that runs away (both literally and metaphorically) the minute the reality of his relationship confronts him.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 070414

Originally posted by Smallpillow:

I'm seeing this guy for awhile and he has made sacrifices for me significantly and have me involved in his future life plans. He scrutinises my contacts list of guy friends who likes me and block them out sometimes calling to scold them. He keeps in close contact with my parents and sister selling himself to be someone who loves and will take care of me.

However, I start to hesitate when it comes to settling with him as his honey words become excessive. He is always praising and saying how beautiful, intelligent.. Kind  I am etc ... When actually I have not even be working out even gaining weight or doing any grooming.

There was a time when we were chatting he said " if it's a pretty and kind girl I will love her" so I fumed and replied go to them you have plenty of choices! To that, he replied they will not love him.

At that moment I feel he's just using me for physical pleasure and all those excessive praises are to cultivate me to be close to him. He likes to be very generous to his female peers and be a chauffeur to them. Most of them already have boyfriends or husbands. One of them frequently borrow money from him and he lends it to her. It's in the thousands and it's really very hard to think the relationship is pure and no sexual activity is involved. Many times I broke down, I feel insecure why does my boyfriend wants to cultivate and be nice spend his time and resources on other ladies... And making the women shower praises and loves him. Is he cultivating towards the day when he will be needed for them to feel good about sexually? I feel he is trapping me. If I marry him, I will always be so insecure if he is going to make out with other women. There are a few female friends close to him and he says that she likes to be touched by other men. To that, I feel is he being her friend because of the possibilities of sexual activity that is going to happen...or already happen? I don't know.

At end day, I feel he doesn't loves me and eventually he will cheat on me. I really don't think I'm being sensitive or overly suspicious her. All the red lights are there and I'm just attached to him emotionally at heart that it's very hurting to let go. Can someone support me on making the right decision? He is going away from the country for a year for work and he wants to get married before he leaves. What should I do? 

There are other guys who likes me but I'm starting to think twice about marriage. I don't seem to know if the guy truly loves me if we are having frequent sex. Or if the guy really loves me he will marry And take care of me without having sex as he doesn't want to hurt me. Does this exist? 

His friends vouch for his character and integrity. Back in jc and university, there are girls who like him but he never take advantage or be with them because he believes that they are not the one and only that he will spend life with.

I feel it's very painful to be with him as he is stubborn and only believes in his reasonings disregarding my opinions with a shrug. For instance, if I were to discuss this with him and hope to work towards a happier relationship he will just brush me aside and says There's no end to refuting each other and I'm just having one of those episodes of blowing my top of my own emotional issues. He will always be around either talking to my parents, my sister and whoever he can build relations When things Are not working well with me. At the end of the day, I have triple work to do. Explaining to my loved ones that hey he's really not the guy he seems to be and your daughter here will suffer big time if I get married to him. What does old folks know anyway. I just want to leave on a jet plane and f to all these attachments.



You spoke about the possibility of your boyfriend choosing you because of the lack of mutual feelings and availability with other female counterparts. Frankly, it is meaningless to discern the truthfulness of this statement when I reckon that there is deep-seated resentment towards his insidious attempt to construct an unequal power play in the relationship.

It seemed that he has the rights to be ‘generous’ and has regular contacts to his female friends, while he consciously attempts to ‘block out’ your guy friends. It is likely that he is as (or even much more) insecure as you – hence there is a deliberate intention to craft out a system where he wants to gain power through strategic social isolation.

There are a couple of important factors that would have contributed to your confusion:

i) When you shared about your bf affirming you, your inner self reacted violently and concluded that he must been lying. My sense is that your low innate self-worth might likely be more of a culprit; never mind about the fact on why he says what he says, but the point about feeling that you are an unlovable person, capable only of 'retaining' relationship because you exchanged flesh for affection is not something common.

You are what you what because of what you believe yourself to be. And I am really worried what you are feeding your mind with.  

ii) I wonder how the circumstances of he 'cheating' on you makes any difference here; what I am hearing right now is how much you don't like about him and not so much about you catching him having an affair. Specifically, he does not appear to fulfill your needs or respect you presently; somehow you see yourself as mere component of his sexual gratification, which has not translated to joint pleasure. Perhaps subconsciously, you reluctantly seek to fulfil his sexual needs because it has become a 'way' for you to keep him near you.

***

I don't think fidelity is something that can be vouched; it's really a matter of choice and a constant reaffirmation to loyalty. A vegetarian might someday decide to eat meat. Hence, eating vegetables yesterday and today does not mean that I cannot choose to eat meat the next day.


[Quote: Smallpillow]

He's the one here who is refusing to let me off...

[/unquote]


I fondly recalled the first law of CloUdism (my little book of my thoughts): "it is we who choose our partners, not the other way around." Nobody can truly stop you from walking away if that is your real intent. Blaming the other party for 'not letting you go' is an form of subconscious projection of not wanting to leave either.

I am not saying that you should or should not leave the relationship; but what I am saying is that we have the power to decide what we want to do with our relationship. And this power does not belong to him, your sister or your mother.

It belongs to you. Solely.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 120114 (Continued from AA 271213)

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I know what you mean by self acceptance and confidence. The thing is, I have asked a lot of women of interest out, only to be stalled or given excuses that they are not free. I not sure when to stop but usually when they strike out three times (three times they tell me that they are not free to come out),  I just don't pursue anymore.

This time with this girl B, I am just wondering if I should try or not. Its just not based on my experience with girl A, but also previous other experiences in which I have stated that I find it hard to ask a girl out. I don't know why, I just have the aura of getting rejected.

People tell me, if I don't try I won't know but its like this, if you ask 10 different girls out, only 2 out of 10 accept your invitation, you feel a bit demoralised.

Well today is Jan 5, but I have yet to ask girl B out for fear that I may show my desperation. She did let me to try in 2014. My heart is tingling to try though, I am hanging around at home doing house chores, kind of boring, feel like asking her out but yet I fear that it is too soon.

Next week I shall ask her out. I am prepared to receive rejection. Just cross my fingers.



I think it is personally helpful that you have a sense of awareness that you are facing some challenges in having woman accepting your dates successfully. However, unless you have decided to embrace monkhood for good as a serious alternative, to keep trying is the other option left. The wisdom in trying lies in understanding 'what' that had led us to failure in securing consistent dates and to improve our probability, rather than to dwell on our failures to demoralize our future attempts.

Dates are not isolated from the reality of interest building prior before the actual date; hence, if the development of the friendship does not develop into some level of positive interest leading to a date, then rejection is just but a convenient excuse to avoid dealing with potentially uncomfortable situation easily.

A woman might have a 'single' profiling, but that does not mean that she will risk everything to date any potential guys just because her biological clock is ticking. The interest must outweigh the risk for the first date to begin and the first date must be great for the second one to appear.

Your 'try' has to be holistic; it has to encompass the entire process of knowing her, even electronically (whatapps, etc). Choosing a random day for date that has little process prior is akin to gambling purely on tangible quality (e.g. the brand of your car that you are driving or your physical attractiveness, etc) to assess if you fit into a category of her 'not minding' to go on a date to 'look see look see'. And if the first date is uncomfortable for her, then 'I am not free' excuse will manifest again.

You cannot control a woman to accept your dates; the only person you can control is yourself. Hence, all you could do is to do whatever you can to build good interest, so as to facilitate her consideration to accept. It is also within your powers to decide how you want her to experience a date with you; from conversation to the dining process.

Cheers  

Aunt Agony 271213

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

Recently I changed job...to a new place...

At my working place, I am suppose to work closely with girl A. So the new company sent us both to Germany for a job assignment for a month. After work, she would ask me out to accompany her for dinner, shopping, theatres, walk around, coffee. Weekends, we would both plan trips to Venice, Paris and Switzerland like a couple. At that time, I began to fall for her. I develop feelings for her because I rarely have the chance to be one to one with a girl...as pretty as she is.

However, moment we landed spore, her whole attitude changed. I ask her out for a drink, she declined. And then she began to distance herself from me. We both had a small quarrel over work. THen I began to distance myself from Girl A. Girl A even told my other colleagues about me trying to court her. Some of the co workers began to kepo and ask me about my ties to her.

Then came girl B. As a result of my struggle with my new job and my new boss's disatisfaction with my performance, i had to worked hard till late night to earn my boss's favor. During that time, girl B also worked late at office. So she began to text and use the company messenger to talk to me. We both at times conversate until 11pm at office. Girl B is sort of sweet and nice girl. She's a Ipoh so her personality is a bit different from those typical princess singaporean girls like girl A. I didn't want to ask girl B out because of the trouble caused by girl A, I didn;t want to sully my reputation anymore. But I did double check girl B's status, ask one colleague in her team whether she is single or not, the reply was that she's single.

Then after some weeks, girl B got some buquet of flowers from the florists. I became disappointed because I thought it was from her boyfriend.

Then it came to the end of my confirmation, my cruel boss decided not to confirm me. My boss wanted to do all sorts of things, like accuse me of things I didn't do to kick me out from office. So in order not to have a bad record to tarnish my reputation, I made a deal with my boss and the company HR...that they would not sully my records if I offer to resign peacefully. This is to ensure when new employers do reference check, there would not be any so-called performance improvemnet program or non-confirmation sacking letters in my HR record (i refuse to sign them anyway)....

In exchange for the deal...I help them to clear my work. So during that time..i worked late to help girl A to finish up the work. girl A was very stressful, from there, she saw my honesty and hard work. So she apologised to me for her rude behaviour and gave me a dinner treat at an expensive restaurant. We both parted ways in good manner. I never pursue A, because I knew we both are not compatible.

Then on the day of my resignation (i kept low key, never tell anybody at office), somehow rumor spread..girl B, message me to tell me how shocked she was to hear that i was resigning. She say that she will miss me. I told her that we could still keep in touch.

Fast forward...2 months later, at my new office. I suddenly got a text from girl B, asking me where am I working and how am I. Me not wanting to give infor for free...ask her if she could organise a gathering within our ex-colleagues..then I can tell her. I wanted to have an opportunity or excuse to meet her in a group so as not to make her think i am a despo. She said she could not do so because everyone else was busy and was taking leave.

So I wanted for another week, i was taking things slowly...not wanting to put too much pressure on her. I ask her if she was free or not. She said she is not free until next year 2014. But she told me, I can ask her out...near her place...because she doesn;t like to travel far, as long as we can have lunch, or dinner or tea time during the weekends. During the week days, she work late, as usual. So she doesn;t have time to come out.

I ask her about thsoe flowers she receive last time at office. She told me that it was from her girl friends who gave her those flowers for her birthday.

Then we both made some jokes...she joke and ask me why I so secretive never tell where I work..then i said...you come out with me for dinner then i tell you. Her answer is "haha...ok".

So now, my question is...should I ask her out? How should I approach this? Take it slowly? Its just that i am a bit concern of our big age gap..you see, i am 36, she's 27. You think it will work?




I am actually curious on what is it about the age gap that is stopping you from advancing. Specifically, I am wondering how much of the experience you had with Girl A actually negatively affected the way you are going to proceed with Girl B.

Presently, both of you are employed in different companies. Hence, office politics from your previous workplace shouldn't technically harm either one of you professionally; after all, even if you are indeed dating Girl B - it's truly your own private life.

You might want to gain some degree of self acceptance to the above thought processing first as I sensed some form of inner resistance from you as somehow, you kept referencing 'unimportant' people in your life (my hypothesis) to make significant decision (namely your love affairs).

So how should you proceed? Well, since you don't really know her as a person beyond mundane description of nice and sweet - you can start getting to know her better? And you can help yourself by being genuine in wanting to know her and be less bothered by immaterial details such as age for now. If age is an issue, the process of knowing her will reveal to you mystically.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 071113

Originally posted by Kayrene:

Okay I am a new user.

I know topics like these have been said and mentioned a zillion times, but I have so much pain I need to let out, and wonder if doing it anonymously can relieve some of the stress. Perhaps someone else have gone through something similar, and can share my pain?

I never had good impression of PRC women. I had two good friends, who ended up divorcing their husbands because of PRC woman. They are not bad wives, maybe just the usual 贤妻良母 who spent their entire married lives dedicating to their spouses, mother in laws and of course the kids.

Another friend of mine almost divorced because of PRC woman too, but she was willing to give her hubby a chance for the sake of her boys. And the last time I heard, the PRC was still attempting to call and message her hubby even though he had already made it clear to her that he still want his wife and kids.

I didnt and had never thought such thing will happen to me. But it did. The only consolation is, I was only almost married.

I have been dating the same guy for almost a decade. He was a divorcee with a beautiful daughter, whom I love and I adore.

He was once one of the most perfect boyfriends in the world, who loved me, doted on me, and was the reason why I so faithfully stood by his side all those years, taking care of his mom, his girl, while he fighted for a new career.

After being through so much up and downs, thick and thin, poverty and stuff, he made it, and had a relatively successful small business. And then things changed.

His job required him to entertain his subcons, his clients. He was earning more than he ever had. The now and then drinking session becomes frequent. He began picking on my faults, and eventually he didn't even come home.

And I was indirectly chased out from his place, after almost ten years.

And yes, he was cheating. With a PRC woman he met in a stupid lup sup pub.

Barely two months after I left, he came running back to me. Apologise, telling me how he is full of regrets, etc etc. I had loved this man for ten years, how can I possibly not soften my heart.

And just as I thought we will survive this and become stronger than ever, that PRC claimed she is pregnant, and demanded responsibility.

Well we dragged for a while, and broke up god good. That woman probably thought she won again. The first time I was gone, he had never brought that woman home. And now, she had officially moved into his place and became the mistress of the house.

It has been three months plus. I still cry myself to sleep every night. Apparently things have not been easy for that heartless idiot.

I think it is true that China women are selfish, manupulative and wicked. He still tells me what a fool he has been, and how he regretted hurting a woman like me.

I heard from his family that woman flares at him on a frequent basis, is not nice to his mom, bullies his girl( I ached) sometimes. They do worry about how she will treat his daughter once she has her own. Though she is very much pregnant now, he is still trying to delay marriage. He now realised this woman can never compare to me, and will never love his familyl the way I did.

But the woman will never let him off. :)

Shouldn't he have realised it a long time ago?

I couldn't get it. May never get it. Those PRC women have a reputation not for nothing. Why do Singaporean men still fall for it, only to regret later?

Local girls are not materialistic. In fact they are very simple women, who just want to build a simple happy family of their own. Yes I do enjoy buying designer goods, but I was a faithful caring woman who knows how to love a man and love his family.

And all that I did I ended up with nothing but pain.

In my early 30s now, I don't even know if I am able to start all over again.

Why? Anybody knows why?

(Pardon my essay. I just wanna let it out, even if nobody wants to know).



Being subjected to our partner's infidelity is probably one of life's most painful experiences; but like all poignant experience, it can also bring about tremendous growth and learning.

You probably learnt that you are not perfect, but at least you are faithful. Yet paradoxically, loyalty alone is insufficient to keep a relationship going. At this juncture, though there is little point in crying over spilled milk, keeping tabs on some important lessons might be useful for future references.

Quite fortunately, you are not married. Though your emotional recovery is no less easy, but your bounce back is likely to be faster. Notably, there is always higher risk in the extreme dichotomy; the ones that ring wedding bells way too fast and the drudging ones that carried on BGR endlessly.

Length in relationship matters little, since the value of relationship lies not in normative age, but by the quality of the love. Quality of love is a subjective mutual experience between the couple - all other 'ethical duties' of being a good step-mother, daughter-in-law, etc., are but components of this positive experience.

Hence, when we learn to stop loving each other in an intimate genuine way; genetic mutation of love starts.

You see, he might like the way you take care of his family, but that does not automatically translate into romantic love. In fact, the original love could just transmogrify into kinship absolutely and ironically, he starts looking for 'love'. Sometimes, when we develop the other roles way too profound, it subconsciously consume our primarily purpose in love and we kind of 'forget' that we actually still have a love relationship with our partner.

A good relationship generally still requires that nurturing, that extra effort, the spontaneous couple plans, the genuine communication, the conflict negotiation, the positive affirmation, the empathy, the understanding and all the forgotten goodness that made it possible in the first place.

A good wife/gf is meaningless if being good is taken out of context from the positive relationship between the couple - for there is a difference between playing a good role and being a good partner. What you have shared is largely the former, which my sense is that it could have overshadowed the latter.

My heart goes out to you; you are injured but not permanently incapacitated. Do not let this experience maim you, but strive with determination to grow from this episode and be a stronger, wiser woman.

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 251013

Originally posted by Purpleoceanas:

Dear Auntie Agony

U know I am in the state of confusion for the past one week. I really don’t understand a guy’s thinking.

Here is how the story goes.

I was training at the gym with my friend when a guy randomly approached me for my number. Things went well initially. We agreed to meet up for dinner and movie. He gave me a good impression through the dinner and movie.

I eventually agreed to watch the second movie with him, this time a horror movie – since he was quite enthu about it.  

Half way the movie, he asked me if I was feeling cold – and my response was – nope I am ok since I am wearing a cardigan  and I wasn’t really frighten by the movie coz i like horror movie.

Perhaps he realized that he was getting no where , and he suddenly whispered into my ears saying that he likes me alots and wants me to be his girlfriend and held my hand. I swear my mind was frozen for that second  coz I was really engrossed into the movie.  He asked If I was angry when he held my hand.. I was not angry , but just in state of shock. I did not pull my hand away. But I realized I soon made a mistake.

He became v touchy the moment I didn’t let go of my hand. He pulled me closer to him, and was kissing my hand and head through the movie – which made me feeling super uncomfortable.

After movie, he continue to hold my hand and I did not let go either coz I thought I could give this relationship a try.

He did not want to go home after movie and suggested supper near his house. We took a cab home and in the cab, I did told him that we were moving things abit too fast.. maybe we should slow down thing alittle.

Anyway , after we alighted , we didn’t went supper coz he said he was not hungry anymore. But he said he wanted to drink . so we went to buy a can of beer for both of us at the nearby 7-11. Initially, we were drinking at his void deck. Soon he tried to coax me to go his house. I initially refused, but he pleaded me till I had no choice but to his house.

So we went to his house and his parents were still awake when we entered his house. We went to his room and there was no chair for me to , and I had to sit on his bed while  he go and showered .

At the point, I was feeling v scared coz I felt unsafe and started texting my friend to let her know where I was.

Anyway he was out from the shower and wants to cuddle in bed. ;x which I agree but soon he was getting out of hand – where he tried to kiss me and climbed on top of me which made ma panicked. I was struggling to break free, and making a big fuss of wanting to go home.

At this moment , my friend called, and I answered the call, lying to him that it was my best guy friend who called to check on me. he was really upset that I choose to pick up the call and reported my whereabout to “him”.  We had a minor argument – where he eventually agrees to hold my hand, and hug and kiss me only and he will not force me to go his house again until I am ready.

He eventually sent me home  , and at my void deck, he asked for a goodbye kiss, which I did give him but I pulled away again when he touched my breast. ;x  anyway I went home and I sent him a sorry text as I don’t meant to end thing lidat.

The next day, I went to meet my own friends , and most of them discourage me to continue with him.

He didn’t not text me again until night time – around 9 plus to confirm our meeting on tues( it was a ph) .

I did not  reply as I was out with my friends. And by 11 pm, he got angry that I did not reply and he called me. actually I was drafting a text to him, explaining that I just want to be friend with him first and see how things go. But becoz he become too aggressive ,  I was too afraid to answer his call.

Nevertheless, after some texting ( some exchanges of  nasty words here and there) – we decided to talk over the phone instead. I tried to explain  to him my standpoint. But to him, he keep saying that I am hurting him, gave him a roller coaster ride and playing with him. .. eventually he did give in to my request of just being friends.

After that call, he did not text me again. I tried to contact him – texting him if he still wants to meet on Tuesday, his reply was “ he is already meeting his friend, sorry dear.. “.

 After that text, I did not hear from him again.

I really want to give this relationship a chance but I guess I ruined it with my own hand. 

What should I do if I want to win him back.. but yet I am afraid that he is just after my body. :(



You did not ruin this relationship with your own hands; there is no relationship to begin with, so how can you ruin something that doesn't exist? Technically speaking, you didn't agree to be in a relationship just yet.

You proceeded with intention of a prospective relationship, but he proceeded with the intention of having an express queue to sex. Your womanly instinct already sounded an alarm, which hinted you to text your friend on your whereabouts. Emotionally, you are already confused (together with some alcohol to bring about greater judgment error) - however, I can sense that you still would like to give him a chance (despite all that happenings and your friends' disapprovals).

His own needs has overwhelmed him completely, insofar that your needs are being compromised. He does not appear to be genuinely interested in knowing you as a person, more than knowing how he can satisfy himself physically.

He is looking for a quick physical fix; you have to figure if this is what you want.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 251013

Originally posted by IndonGirl:

For most couple after marry will have a happy married life but not mine. Really regret with this married but what can I do, I can’t turn back time. I feel like what happen to me is unfair. Now I really need an opinion about what I have done. But you need to take time to read my long story to understand what happen to us.

I was being introduce by my brother in law sister to her friend. This guy is a fatty guy and not handsome but they told me he is really a good guy, hard working, can say a success business man (since he own a big house at spore), and very respect to parents. After meet once, he start to message me and then call me, and we become close friend.

For me, live until age thirty haven’t marry still ok but above that become a worry for me and my parents too. I scare to start a relationship, afraid being cheat or they just want to have fun. Hear and saw unhappy married life make me scare too.

Many friends and relative shock after know that my husband so fat. He is more than double of my weight. And many may think that I want him because he is rich, own big house. I can’t stop them. For me, as long as he is a good guy, don’t like drink, don’t like gambling, hard working, responsible, respect and can take care of me. Its already enough, no one is perfect in this world. I as women also have to understand myself. If he is better than that then will be good.

Everything goes well. He show me that he and his family relationship good. He and his family all also very good to me and my family but now no more.

After married, I just known that husband is a gambler. He and his family relation is actually no good. Maybe his father want him to faster get married because his father also already give up of him. His father then told me that his son have been banded from spore casino. Can u all imagine what will u respond when u hear this? This is really a cheat to me start from the time we known each other.

On the fifth day after married, he told me he have meeting so go out very early around 7 o’clock. The next day also the same told me he have meeting. Then on weekend he told me his friend have a resort at Batam and ask me to go with him so we go. At ferry he just told me that actually we are going to ship casino. I don’t know why he have to bring me there, have to let me saw he gambling.

On the 12th day after married, again he told me have meeting. This time I already feel something wrong with him. At noon I try to call him but no answer, then his office girl call me ask where is he? They said they can’t contact him that’s why ask me. Until night he still not come back home, I can’t contact him and his father (that time his father is on travel) I don’t know he go gambling or got car accident. Nothing I can do except crying. I don’t know what mistake I have done so he leave me like that. Then I call my parents and let my parents know what had happen.

My parents then call my brother in law sister ask her are they known this guy well? Are they known whether he like gambling or not? And the answer my father get is they are friends but they not 24 hours together.

At around 11 or 12 o’clock I just got message from husband told me that he is ok ask me don’t have to worry, he just miss the ferry and will only came back the next morning. At this time suicide really come to my mind.

The reason for gambling is because he have spend a lot for a wedding dinner party at 5 star hotel. I never ask him for those lux party, why he have to spend it he not afford. What can I do is only forgive him and give him a chance. And I told him that when his father back from traveling, I have to let him know this. He beg me not to do so and I said sorry I have to for ur good. And when I told his father, I heard a lot of bad habits about him from his father. Its really a very complicate, need a lot of time to explain it. Father said his son bad things and son told me his father bad things. For me I don’t care and don’t want to get involved in their family problem. As long as husband is a good guy, responsible, respect and can take care of me is already enough to me. He call my parents ask for apologize of what he have done. Apologize is accepted.

Again after one month married, on our first anniversary of proposing date. He told me that he feel no good and need to have a rest so we cancel go out for celebrating. Suddenly at night he told me he have to go out, go fish port. I just trust him, he go out until the next morning around 11 o’clock just came back. In the morning his father told me that I have been cheat by husband again. Where got people go fish port until this time ( its around 9 o’clock) haven’t came back? I just keep quite have no answer because I also don’t know well anything about singapore (I am a foreigner). From that I starting to check what he did, his phone, follow him where ever he go ( as suggest from his father too). I do all this for his good too, although he might feel annoying. During the time going out/ follow him, I found out that he seldom want to care of his job, seldom want to stay at office. When I ask, he told me now business is low so what for stay at office, must go out look for order. And I never again. They we often go out visit his friends, meet up with his friend, pay his gambling debts and sometimes meet client.

Again, he told me that he want to meet friend and because I also have to do house thing then I can’t follow him. After 11 o’clock night haven’t come back,call him he said he is at his food store. At 12 o’clock haven’t come back, 2 o’clock haven’t come back, call him many time but he no answer my call then at 4 o’clock morning I ask his sister bring me to his food store and I can find he or his car at there. His sister then send me back home. Again what can I do is only cry, it is not possible to wake up his father and let his father known. I feel really sad, wanna commit suicide, but I still love my parents and I remember my parents told me no matter what happen to you, here is still your home, you have parents, don’t do stupid things, you can come back anytime.

In the morning, his father knock my door ask me am I ok and ask me to go down have breakfast. In this situation where got mood to eat. I just stay at my room never let my parents know, then his father ask my brother in law sister come to pick me. I don’t want, I don’t them to get involved in this problem anymore since they said they are not 24hour with him, say this married is because we decide not forcing by them, they are just introduce. I also don’t know why my father in law have to do this, ask me to leave house is not a good solution for me. But then although I already said I don’t want to go with them, they still come. For me, at spore they are the closest friend/ family I have. They already come want to help me why I reject them, it is no good. So I follow them go their house and stay there for few days until my parents come.

My parents then come with me to meet father in law ask what is actually happen, why things become like that. Then father in law said he fell so sorry to me and my parents for this case, say he know his son have many debts outside and he owe spore Along too. And ask my parents don’t help to clear his son debts. I don’t know it is true or not because he never told me and always don’t want to share with me his problem. At that time, he come back home and sit together with us, say sorry to my parents.

We then sit together with his friend without his father, discuss how to solve his debts problem since he told us he have such big debts outside. The only way is he have to sell his house, clear his debts and move to smaller house and start everything new. Although his father don’t like him to sell house, but no other way.

Starting from that, he and his father relation become worst. They don’t talk to each other. Son don’t want to come back home have dinner together as usual, don’t want go office. While father in law almost everyday call me back home eat dinner together. Me in the middle of them really hard , don’t know what to do will be good.

Before my parents go back, I ask him to write what ever he promise me in an agreement letter so everything in black in white not just promise, apologize, forgive since he want to start his new life. In agreement letter mention that he will let me manage his financial, will give 30% of his reminding money after house sold, after clear debts. And the rest will keep in bank with joint account name. He promise to be truth and many more.

Hear husband have many debts and some more owe Along, he know I don’t like he gambling he still bring me to casino, he starting shout at me. Everyday follow him go out make me become scare of him, dunno he will bring me to Along to clear his debts or not. Stay at home scare Along come look for him and he not at home then look for me how. I think a lot of all this thing. I don’t know this will happen in spore or not but if in my country this will possibly happen, Along can come to look for his wife.

Don’t know how he did until he become so pity, no money until have to take from his coin box money for meals. When got money, have to pay for debts. Maybe this condition make him become always have bad mood. When I check his phone, who is he talking to, he feel angry.

All this make me feel sad too. I think it will be better for both of us if I go back my country until he settle his problem. He can have less expend and can concentrate look for new job new business to do. I also don’t have to be face his family faces since they become unhappy with me too because I allow husband to sell house to clear debts.

Then I told husband I will go back until everything settle, leave him struggle him self.

Am I a bad wife?

All this is just unfair to me. What people can said is I bring unlucky to their family, just joint their family and many thing happen. While the truth are I have been cheat since from the begining, before married. Husband already a gambler and have many debts outside before we married. Husband already being warning many time by his father about his gambling habit.

We have date but as u know we are from diff country so of course can’t often date like in the same city. Sometime he visit me and vice versa. Usually I stay at spore just few day because I still working, he also can’t always accompany me have to work and I feel not so good to every time go spore stay at his friend house. That’s why I think should be ok if we don’t take long time in relationship since many people I trust said he is a good guy. He and me also not young already.

Before married, I ever said want to cancel. I found out that he talk more than action. I think I need time to know him more but what can I do he told me that if cancel I have to responsible for the dinner party too. Its a dinner party at 5 star hotel, so expensive. Me where got so much money, some more I just post my resign letter as he ask me to stop working and start prepare for wedding things. He said he will give me pocket money and will take care of me. At that time, many thing happen to his family too, father sick go hospital, brother got car accident. His friend also had scold him because of his bullshit, then I think give him a chance see how. If until the married day he still not done some of what he promised me then I will cancel my wedding. After resign he did give me pocket money 2K/ month as he promise. He did some renovation for our new room. No one tell me he is a gambler.

During his tough time, he got send me pocket money too but of course not as much as he promise. He send every time I ask money from him. Come back to my country, every month also have expenses. I think its no wrong for me to ask from him, am I right?

We seldom message or call each other already after I come back to my hometown. I hate to hear I miss u, I love u. For me all this is bullshit. If u love me, should u cheat me, should u hurt me. Just wait and see whether he will do what he promise me or not.

When he ask me when will I go back to him, I told him will go back after his problem settle, house sold, I got my part as he promise me. Many time he ask me and I give the same answer. But then I rethink, will he give me those money? Why not just push him to faster buy new house. And when not enough, can u those money that he promise will give me. So the next time he ask when will I go back, I told him after he buy new house, If not I will not go back.

Finally house sold, he already got money he forgot what he promise me, he forgot he already married and wife still waiting for him to do what he promise. I message him ask him have he find new house? How will he give me my part as he promise me. I message him many time ask him how and he don’t want to reply me. Then after a month I call him, ask him how, I told him it is not possible for me to keep staying at my hometown, hiding from people. And the answer I get is ‘I will not give that money, I have put all money into business so if u want to come back then come back otherwise I can’t force u too. I will only give you allowance every month’. Is this what he should answer me? Is this my husband?

I told him to give me money so I can do some business since I don’t know I will stay here for how long but he don’t want, he said he never ask me to work here but ask me to go back to him. If readers are me, will u just go back like nothing happen?

Then I told him, he still owe me. When I am there, he ever borrow money from me. He also haven’t give me enough for my allowance as he promise. This time he send 7K for me. He have send money, if readers are me, will u go back to him?

I think many days and still can believe this horrible marriage . Is he ever love me? Really love me? Why when the time I ask for cancel, he don’t want to cancel. Is it a mission behind this married? So stress every time think of this thing. Why my life become like this? Am I did a big mistake in my past life that’s why now I have to receive all this. Suicide or be crazy always come to my mind every time I can’t cool down my mind. I feel so unfair, have been cheat from the beginning we know each other. Are we girl born to be cheat, to be bully? I want to find my woman right but I don’t know how?

I really can’t endure anymore what he had done to me, I message him said that better we separate and start prepare for all the documentation if he can’t do what he promise me. How can I trust him if he always promise but not do it? Told me will stop gambling but who can guarantee. His attitude, irresponsibility, unrespect, nothing can make me feel happy and secure to be with him anymore. He no reply me, then I call him and told him. The answer I get is ok tomorrow will look for lawyer to settle. He really hurt me again and again although I want to divorce should he straight away told me that. Why he didn’t say ok we cancel when I ask for cancel. This is men, I don’t know is all men like this or not but for sure is I really can’t trust anyone anymore except my parents.

if readers are me, what will u do? Will you go back to him since now he already have job have business, have give you money, have promise will not gambling? But no house and didn’t do what he promise write on agreement letter.




It is quite a mess, but by now, you probably already have a decision in mind and my guess is that you would probably stick with your thinking.

***

Your situation has less to do with the state of your life/destiny/fate much more than the quality of your choice. Initially, your pain of choice constantly oscillates between two paranoia: the fear of being left on the shelf and the fear of not marrying the 'right guy'. The former obviously had stronger influence over you; hence, your decision to marry him was largely made on a rational basis: (1) He was recommended to possess values that are attractive to you, (2) he appears to be financially sound, (3) he is available and is interested in you.

Since your marital decision can be said to be largely based on rationality (e.g. biological age is ticking, etc), your conclusion would also likely mirror this beginning (e.g. I am leaving him because I foresee little future, etc).

In some ways, the choice of marrying him does dissolve your singlehood. However, your subconscious fear of not marrying the 'right guy' is beginning to roar into reality; the core of the issue is not about the financial (although it is the presenting symptoms), but is about being in a relationship with someone of conflicting values. You wanted someone safe, predictable and consistent: living in debts, gambling woes, unprofitable business and lasting family conflicts basically promoted an opposite outcome from your ideals.  

Suicide is unnecessary; even the talk about getting part of the money is superfluous. The question you might want to figure out is your attitude towards a divorce circumstance - namely being a divorcee. I want to stress that I not suggesting that divorce is the way forward; I am merely asking you to expand your consideration of choices beyond that of suicide - till such extend of even questioning your personal belief of what divorce means to you.

When you realized that you have choices (even unappealing ones), suicide is unnecessary.

***

The talk about sticking with your husband during hardship is arduous for a union accepted largely on rationality basis. Reasons alone - in a purist sense - would mean that it is 'wiser' to leave before the house of cards collapse on you (unless you hold strongly to the concept of obligation or disallowing yourself a no-divorce situation). Those that stick in bad times are usually those that have more love than reasons to be hanging around. Emotional reasons, especially during the dating phrase, are the major factors that cause our hearts to skip a beat, tingling sensation in our feet, palpitation and red flushes.

Hence, these are - again in a purist sense - a sense of uncontrolled, uncalculated feeling towards another person.  

Again, the morality of relationship needs to be removed from the equation. What constitute a 'good wife' or a 'bad husband' matters little other than the choice you decide to undertake after having all the information about the person at hand. After all, many people still end up divorcing a 'good wife' or being overly attached to a 'bad husband' - therefore, 'good' or 'bad' labels are poor reference for decision making in love.  

P.S: Life isn't unfair to you; you can change the course of your action, in which your destiny will alter likewise.

Just remember: two wrongs doesn't make one right.

Cheers