Aunt Agony 231214

Originally posted by Cycloneeee:

I recently broke up with my ex. Here's the story.

He's serving NS now and i left him not because of NS. For the duration that we've been together, i try my best to make time for him during the weekends by clearing and rushing all my schoolwork on weekdays so that i can spend my weekends with him. I always spend 1-2 hrs travelling to his house every weekend because we live very very far from each other. He never fetches me from the bus stop or the mrt and on one occasion, i got lost on the way. He got really angry that i got lost and scolded me for not being able to navigate properly. 

I understand that army guys are normally really tired and stuff so i don't expect him to travel to my house or send me home. And i also understand that he's really busy during the weekdays so i don't expect him to text me or call me much. So i do try to initiate conversations occasionally like asking how he is and stuff although he never asks about how i am doing or what i'm busy with. 

Every time we quarrel, he never fails to bring up things like "maybe you should go find your perfect guy somewhere else" or "i just want an ideal girlfriend", things that suggest that we should part ways.

Recently we got into a huge argument over something minor that was my fault, and he said truckloads of hurtful stuff to me. Things like "i don't give a fuck if you are hungry, that's your problem. The thing is, I'm hungry". And when i try to apologise for my actions that i sincerely felt was wrong, he pushed me away, swore at me and said something like "don't touch me, i don't give a single fuck about your sorry". And when i asked why he wasn't appreciative of the time i sacrificed for him, he said "All you do is take taxi over to my house" and when i clarified the fact that i am a student and i don't earn to be able to pay for taxi fare to and from his house, he said "i don't give a fuck. That's your problem. I didn't say you couldn't take taxi." And after that he went on to say how ever since i came into his life, i spent my weekends with him and so he doesn't have time to go out with his friends, go to bars and how i don't like it when he goes to club. Thing is, throughout the time we spent together he never brought up these issues. It just seems like he said all this out of anger. And all this happened after he told me to leave his house at around 8pm when it was already dark. He just said "Just leave, i don't want to see you again" and even went on to ask me if he needed me to open the door for him. I believe he treats his parents, loved ones and ex-girlfriend like this too because his parents don't really like talking to him.

Thing is, i did love him. I loved him alot. I tried to understand that he's tired, stressed, angry. And i used to complain that he didn't text me enough, didn't give me enough attention but i stopped because i knew i was being unreasonable. I stopped demanding for so much attention. Maybe i didn't know how to express it properly but i did love him. I would always look forward to Fridays because i'd get to see him and hug him after a whole week of not talking and communicating much. That whole incident tore me apart, being told by someone you love so much to leave and they didn't want to see you again. I just don't know how to fight back or stand up for myself anymore. 

He did apologise after that and told me that he would never tell me to leave or say such things again. He told me he still loved me and that he still cares. To be fair, he does bring me out for dinners, meals and pays for alot of the stuff. 

I thought about this for the entire night and decided that it was time to leave this toxic relationship. I cut off all contact with him and just left. Right now, i am trying to stay positive so that i can start the healing process. Its difficult because i am constantly replaying all the hurtful things he said to me in my head and i'm constantly beaten down. I feel bad about myself and i feel that i'm not worth anything. Also, i keep getting the urge to contact him and return to the vicious cycle again. (I haven't so far)

My question is, what could i have done better? Is he the problem or am I the problem? Conflicts are bound to arise because we are two different people. People quarrel to fix problems, come to a compromise or understand the reason for the other party's actions, not to blame each other for their differences. What could i have done better to get my point across without sounding like i'm blaming the other party? Can i blame him entirely for treating his loved ones like this or does he have some other deep seated issues that he didn't tell me? Is he just stressed from NS and taking it out on me? Is there any way i can help him even though we have broken up? 

I am not the best girlfriend, but i want to be a better girlfriend in my next relationship. Thanks for reading guys :)



It can be considered a toxic relationship because when he loses his temper, he lashed it out uncontrollably like a barbed whip. And because you are on the receiving end, I am sure the impact is debilitating. Somehow, he doesn't seem competent in having the ability to manage his feelings reasonably and may have difficulty in dealing with relational-trust-emotional-intimacy issues.

From your writing, I can tell that you really want to help him. However, before you decide to plunge into this love version of messiah complex, be very mindful of the fact that leading a relationship isnt tantamount to doing social work. More often than not, your engagement would naturally involve certain degree of personal cost and sacrifice - which is also ultimately meaningless because you are technically out of the picture already (namely no longer in the relationship with him).

By asking how you could do better is already an indication to me that you will surely become a better girlfriend. The philosophy is not so much about the 'how', but more on the 'why'.

"Why is being a better girlfriend so important for you?"

My assumption for the above question (on your behalf) is that you probably want a fulfilling relationship that could hopefully last till the end and you want to make sure that the only controllable factor - which is yourself - can be tweak to improve the probability of that happening.

If I am largely right, then ultimately, self growth with volition will surely lead you to quality and excellence.

***

There are some probable directions for you to proceed via self discovery and I will frame it in four questions for you to ponder about (you don't really have to answer me though):

i) What attracts you to this guy? (e.g. he is dependable)

ii) How come you are attracted to these qualities/example mentioned? (because I like stability in a man).

iii) What are the 'side effect' of being attracted to these sort of qualities/example mentioned? (e.g. he is boring).

iv) If what you want is a fulfilling relationship, then for the qualities/example mentioned above, are these qualities/example fundamental for you to ensure a fulfilling relationship (in your perspective)?  (e.g. between fun needs and stability, it is fundamentally more important for me to be in a stable relationship).

Cheers