The True Purpose of an Engagement

The true propose of an Engagement

Recently, I have been engaged - proposed to my fiancée and the finally having the dream of being able to make plans of tomorrow. It was conclusion of a proposal plan, but ground zero towards planning to live a life together.

It is a struggle - of deciding to make a choice between pragmatism (to apply a house first) and lifespan because I find it strange to discuss a mutual future together, without an explicit commitment. Frankly, asking a woman to register a house with you is already some form of implicit proposal. in fact, it is already a great deal of commitment as the consequence to back off from a HDB deal after you have committed into it would easily set you back thousands of dollars.

Therefore, it is already a form of proposal - albeit not the kind that most women want.

Hence, wouldn’t it be wise to propose first and make your plans later?

Well, I will share one fundamental challenge and I term it as the “Twin demons of Finances and Biological Age”.

Let me walk you through a common thinking:
Premise one: I need to finish my university education first so that can earn more in the future and provide for my family.
Premise two: Although I need to work for a few years to clear educational loans, in the long run, I am likely to be better off. Simultaneously, I can also try to save up for wedding and house
Premise three: I need to have a new house immediately after my wedding, so that I can then start my new life together. Staying with in-laws is a no-no as there is too much horror in laws stories. No children before the new house.  
Premise four: A new house will take time to come (unless I am willing to pay for one at resale market).
Premise five: Therefore, I would need to apply a house way before, so that I can plan my wedding near the date when I can collect the keys to my house.  


People are marrying later, not because they want to, but the route towards adulthood by a standard pathway is already a delayed process. For example, if you are a guy going by a JC pathway, it would take you reasonably 25-26 years old (for a 4-years university education) before you start earning your first dollar (not considering the fact that you are likely to have educational debts). Unless you are fortunate to hold a well-paying job with great increment/bonus prospect, you will probably need to work for a few years to pay off your debts BEFORE you are debt free enough to start serious savings.

That is only considering the fact that you did not incur additional liability like purchasing a car.

And if your lady is the same age as you, this will likely to post a problem because woman would have a much earlier head start. Using the same analogy, a girl going by a JC pathway will complete her education by 22-23 years old (for a 4-years university education). She would likely to clear her study loan earlier, have more CPF in her account and hold higher salary (that is before childbirth of course. In the long run, statistically speaking, man will somehow earn more).

However, if she dreams of having children of her own, then she doesn’t have forever to decide.

When you combine the above profile together, you get a typical marriageable age of 29-30 years old for a middle income family situation.

So is that why the twin demonic problem of finances and biological age result in many problems?

People want to secure their house early, settle their dream wedding and have children before a certain age.

I hardly hear people talk about having the importance of a stable relationship, an emotionally intimate and connected love that inspires you enough insofar as you want to genuinely spend the rest of your life with this special person. And my sense is that people assume that this is a given process – that’s to say that all relationship will develop itself into this picture of love.

The horrific truth is that our local statistics shows that about one in three marriages will fail. Therefore, this seemingly natural picture of love is not as common as we think it existed. I find it more troubling to hear “Fuck, my relationship is in trouble, but I have an awesome house” than “Fuck, I don’t have a house, but my relationship is awesome’.  

The true meaning of a proposal is not merely to spend the rest of your life together; it is a conscious choice to relinquish the options of dating someone else romantically and forgoing all possible opportunity cost attached to such a possibility. Engagement is the first step to ingrain this belief, not because of any external factors that ‘leave you with little room to negotiate’ but the understanding that you are given full freedom of choice and this freedom of choice is him/her.

Man - just remember: your woman is not obliged to say yes even if you proposed. And when she says ‘Yes’, you want to be sure that it is because she loves you. Period. Not because she needs to ROM with you within 6 months upon having key to the HDB. Not because she wants to have a grand envious wedding by 27 years old. Not because she wants to have her first child by 28 years old.

But because she loves you. Unconditionally.  

 

My Personal Education beyond 2012

I have decided how I want to steer my personal learning for 2012 and beyond.

Since four years back, I have never stopped studying; by right, I should be celebrating my new found freedom in the exciting year of 2012, but I realized that I am so accustomed to such intense pace and mode of learning that I actually find it degenerating if I dropped that entirely. Yet the prospect of chasing paper, exams and assignments is not something sexy to me. It fact, it turns me off.

I figured that I hate studying - I only like learning.

Furthermore, the only discipline I would really love to study is Philosophy, but it has prerequisite of a full time commitment and such price tag is just not possible practically.

I reflected and figured that I could actually secure a middle way through this: I could chart my own personal education through self discipline and personalization, by deciding (1) what I want to learn, (2) narrow it, (3) force implement period of time to read and learn (4) and most importantly: (5) persist. The greatest challenge for such 'self education' is really: how the phuck are you going understand the technicality of certain 'chim' theory if you don't understand and there is nobody to ask?

Then I must depend on my own social capital, network and the vast internet to seek the answers I need. Honestly, I don't really think it is the answer that is crucial, but the process of me finding that answer is the training I want to put myself into, since I do not have exams and assignments to 'evaluate' my own education, then my self-seeking spirit and drive to grasp knowledge in this manner would be a hundred times more effective.

After all, I self taught astrology - I could use the same method on how I achieve that to achieve this - albeit it's on a much larger scale.

I will work out details and present it to myself by Dec 2011. :)

Fight Alone

I wondered if I am getting cynical or just being binomial in my emotions

I am acquiring some form of natural immunity towards any variation of 'happy' stimuli - it seemed that many things that ought to make me happy (or I would generally think it should) don't really affect me in a very big way anymore. I am a natural positive person - but positive and happiness is two separate things.

Statistics just reminded me that in my life I fight alone. After all, I was left fending for myself in the past - and even in my worst state of abandonment, I overcame that.

I am a fighter; I never yield to circumstances. I merely change the terrain and continue fighting.

Final Post

This would be my final post on my relationship with her.

I think life is mystically interesting - going by Carl Jung concept of Synchronicity, I can see that happening in my reality: the little subtle 'support' bar for me to pick myself up always materialize mystically every time when I needed that little push for me to bounce back - each time higher than the previous.

I think because life has detected several pieces of broken glasses in me and easily trampled by the overwhelming meaningless thoughts of my adamant intensive mind that seeks to depress the state of my life condition. I was assisted whenever I truly needed the assistance, in the most unfathomable ways.

I had a dream yesterday and in my dream, I was walking across several places, feeling extremely tired from the ordeal. But eventually, I seemed to reach a place and the surreal imagery ends there. There was no recollection of the ending, just blackness.

You see life is full of surreal imagery, as if nothing is indeed permanent in this world. I instantly understood my dream - as if my subconscious is telling my conscious mind something.

I used to think that I lost something very important - which constitute a very significant part of my life that label almost 'everything'. Then in retrospect, I cannot lose something which I don't own in the first place because Love is not a possession acquired like how we purchase goods. You have the freedom to decide what you want in life and love, just perhaps that through this freewill, unfortunately, you seek for something else in which this relationship cannot sate and accommodate your change of needs.

I realized that I don't hate you for your deeds - I only hated you for your silence and all that acting. At the end of the day, everything just falls apart with time because you cannot sustain this screen forever. What hurts is that I am given with facade information to manage my recovery, other than the real truth told in my face, in which the latter was revealed gradually as time passed along. That way helped you to manage your guilt of cheating me, but not as mature adults on amicable split.

You are still a little girl after all these years, but what I really need is a woman.

I hope he treats you well.

Chronicles (24 May 10)

I detest causal memories that quietly reminded me of my mortality. I shed my humanoid skin in return for the gift of undeath - it was an irrevocable metamorphosis.

Awakening from my vampiric stupor was the greatest enlightenment ever, insofar that I feel absolute disgust with the feeble self I vaguely recalled as a chapter of my living years. The burning contempt was overwhelmingly insane, as I lifted my index fingers and claw off crumbling grey-red ashes around a black pit of nothingness, around a place where my beating heart used to lay solemnly within.

And I can see no dreams for the addict sustaining his delusion through tubes of constant false hope. He waits like a shadow thief; awaits for opportunity to plunge the poison dagger eagerly into the back of his adversary. He wants him dead for good, so as to loot, but he has no such chance.

My perching lips grew into a smirk and watched the scene with sadistic pleasure.

He thinks he remained unseen, but the croaching silhouette makes the thought laughable.

I observed with an appraising eye, curious with the depth of stupidity my fabled assasin has grown to live with over the years.

That would suffice a predictive suicide.

He will take what he wants and die by what he takes.

Flashbacks

Getting the flashbacks again.

I realized such phenomenon is the result of my thoughts having to exercise its freedom to break free from incarceration, which I have banish them all into my unconsciousness for eternity.

I call them emotional resistance - but the plea of these futile human emotions is totally wipeout by the onslaught of my growing vampiric nature.

I start suffering from periodic, selective amnesia. I start having this inability to recall certain things, especially those belonging to a certain past. I kinda discovered this it by chance - some things used to have great symbolic representation to me are now objects that is define namely by its function. When I tried to reposition myself in the perspective of what I used to live by, my mind, in fact, deny the attempt.

I had no recollection. Nothing whatsoever. And it's not just blog words - it's happening in my reality.

It actually took me some time to figure out that the emotional link is actually missing. Just some shade of blackness that construct little meaning.

Freud would term it as defensive mechanism.

Is this recovery?

***

I remember viewing a plateau of magnificent blooming flowers, of cyan, indigo and violent, cast over a stretch of land where love used to flourish. As far as my sight could carry itself across the horizon, this is where I knew as Love.

I remembered the gentle rain that nourished the fields of flowers, as it caressed my skin when the heavenly drops softly brushed past my hands; I tried to contain them among my lithe fingers as they fell upon Gaea's plain. It was playfully ecstatic as I shaped those magical moments with my awkward hands to fiddle with different texture of the tiny droplets.

I closed my eyes and felt beads of water drummed against my body, like hundreds of Pixes swarming around me. The coaxing rush of the pouring, ironically kept noise of the world away from the quiet heart of passion. As I gaze towards the ridge of mountains, I could see shimmering reflection of light emanated from its glacier-covered top, brillantly sending fascinating beam of dancing light back to where I stood.

I behold the beautiful scenary and was spellbound.

Yunhaier




好花不常开，好景不常在

Just for you

I realized I am getting acrimonious about my circumstances; something that I detest to see myself falling into.

Not surprisingly, considering how scums hide themselves in shadowy path while I strode on light.

As much as you reckon that you are quietly observing me from where your monitor is and displaying your pathetic keyboard warrior skills, let me reveal to you a shocking news - you have been under observation way before your brains could smell detection. Same goes to everyone of my bitchling contacts; they know who the hell you are, even if fire seared your face until it resembles your sad ass; you are a KNOWN entity.

I witnessed how you moved like a scully rodent, happily gnawing your way to where you think the cheeze went, totally oblivion to the fact that you are actually being led by the nose. You reckoned that the prize you seek is near, but in reality, very much further than you think it is. In fact, I doubt you will ever succeed in attaining even a fraction of what I had done.

I absolutely abhor imitators and I spit at you from the very depth of my soul with utter disgust and contempt. You know what? Interestingly in your subconscious, you were wishing that you were in my shoes - not in the literal sense, but from an abstract thought and POV (if you could comprehend my meaning).

Your futile effort and relentless spirit is ignorantly commendable because you will come to an epic realization that you will never achieve anything out from being a servile, hardworking manwhore. Even should you succeed in your attempt through sheer slavery employment, your short-lived contentment will be almost like a stray dog's quick lapping of milk, slipped carelessly from the edge of its master's lips.

I am not saying it as an taunt, in fact, if you think hard enough -you will see truth in my words.

P.S: I am so confident that you will read this. Among those that are not invited here, I am so fucking sure that you will self-invite your presence.

11 Days - 1 Days

There are times where choices of words are limited and ironically superfluous.

I could only paint so much of these ten days with words, in which I could bring myself to type. Perhaps our train of thoughts could only move an inch when our realm of emotions had already travelled a mile away.

It's 3 more days.

However, I am at peace.

12 Days

It's time to wake up.

13 Days

The inaugural experience of walking you back home was the time when we were still dating. I recalled we were at bugis and you said it was walkable distance to your house.

Yeah right - everywhere in Singapore is walkable. Actually.

But that night, it wasn't just about walking - we were building a relationship.

Still in construction. No... not just yet.

And even when we are together, it has always been in construction - making things bigger, better and bolder.

Unfortunately, it's so much easier to destroy than to create from scratch.

Standing placidly at where I was, I witnessed with first-hand experience on how blocks, bricks, sand, mortar and all pillars of the relationship tumble and crumble simply from changes. I seen the goblin diggers, gleefully chipping right at the very heart and foundation of the relationship, causing instability and hoping it will collapse as a result.

Even if everything comes to total destruction and leveled to the ground, I will proclaim victory over my adversary. Even if you ruin my relationship, you will never break my spirit.

I will not only survive this ordeal, but the circumstances will ironically prove that this is the best outcome.

I will triumph.

14 Days

Thoughts Are Things

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They're endowed with bodies,
breath and wings.
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.

That which we call our secret thoughts
Speeds forth to earth's most remote spot
Leaving its blessing or its woes
Like tracks behind it as it goes

We build our future, thought by thought
For good or ill, yet know it not
Yet so the universe was wrought
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

15 Days

I wondered why do we harbor for memories that no longer belong to us?

And even if we still possess it,

Looking through the same lens,

That’s probably not what we originally seek.

It’s no longer identical.

I cannot always live in a world of abstract convulsion.

I abhor being human.

When can I return back to my vampiric stupor?

16 Days

~*~Gwenda™~*~ says:u r the almost perfect man ma

***

I remembered what bf once said to me.

Oh well, good is indeed relative and others always seemed to appreciate you better.

Really hate to feel like trash.

17 Days

我搞不懂我们到底怎么了?

诚实的背后是否住着伤口?

我想不透我们的爱怎么了?

雨下过以后是否能让什么复活?

18 Days

I typed this while I was on the bus.

Because I want to document certain thoughts before it flee away from me.

And with every bus stop, I paused and looked at my surrounding.

My fingers roamed the keyboard and punched in letters that came into my mind, without having to glance at what I was typing.

But surely, there’s no way I could just go on typing without looking at the screen. My eyeballs peeked downwards whenever I could, just to ensure that I wasn’t typing rubbish.

Would there ever be a cause so critical that we can forgo rest and continue indefinitely?

Would there ever be a bus stop without destination, so that we just enjoy the ride without having to get down?

What would ever happen… in reality?

Perhaps, it’s only natural that we alight at where we need to stop because we have new places to explore and new goals to reach.

And it's this solemn knowledge that changes must take occur and hence, outcome will naturally be different.

So much for freewill.

19 Days

We got into car accident on Sunday.

Fortunately, all was safe and nobody had serious injury.

Then a thought sink into my mind; what if… just what if I was dead on Sunday? Killed in a car accident in front of Istana, splashed all over the papers?

In that funeral of mine, as my soul floats in timeless space, what would I see?

And if I am able to read thoughts and emotions in the most mystical of ways, what would I be able to see in your heart?

A moment of depression? Or a lifetime of regret?

It’s the skewed assumption that life will always be continuous and our thoughts absolutely have no room for any unaccounted disruption. Perhaps, that’s the reason why we often take things for granted unknowingly.

Because specifically, there isn’t a need to go that extra mile.

We just assume that people will always be there because they have always been there.

Not always.

Really.

Not necessary.

20 Days

Come and think of it - we are almost through the next day when we are together.

I remembered talking to WW about this.

If prayer works; this was approximately delayed by 2860 days.

只在乎曾经拥有.

21 Days

I realize I will probably self-publish my own book.

It may or may not end up making money, but it's just a dream to see my own words evolving into print, where I can hold it in my hands.

I hate to dream for the sake of dreaming; if one doesn't transform it into reality - it will forever remain a hollow dream.

I remember once when I told you about this dream of mine and said that it would be my greatest regret in life if I fail to have it publish before I perish from this world.

Then you said you will write on my behalf.

In my mind, I was chuckling. For someone who doesn't even know to write her own CV and resume, seriously, I thought this was just merely diplomancy.

But on the other hand, in my realm of emotions, there was a quiet smile within.

The effect is almost akin to a six years old child telling his mother "Mummy, I am going to protect you from all the bad guys in the world".

You know that will never happen - but it just feels good on the ear.

And mummy will always lit a smile hearing just that.

So do I.

22 Days

I have always carried you.

In that flashback, I remembered the time when you insisted on me piggy-bagging you back to my house.

'What? Siao!?!?!' was my response.

I did anyway - from the bus stop.

And I always claim that carrying you is way lighter than my Full-Battle Order in army. Obviously, it shouldn't be the case and you asked me why. I remembered explaining to you some weird theory about the allocation of weight - you know, my usual obfuscating bullshit.

But truthfully, perhaps (at that moment), Love makes all things lighter.

And I remembered when you refuse to wash up and slept like a piece of lard; I had to carry you to the washroom and nudge you to brush your teeth. Getting you off the bed is a feat much arduous than scoring Gold for my IPPT - I swear there could be no nightmare worst than waking you up.

That task alone would exhaust all my patience for the day; you are no sleeping log - you are a dead log.

But this is nothing - compared to what I had to shoulder for this relationship.

As days whizzed by, the load just get more emcumbersome with every new step I inched forward. More piling until it hurts my back terribly; my legs trembled with fatigue and sweat just trickled profusely. I can imagine myself quietly gripping the shoulderpad tightly and sucking in my lower lips - striding on until I couldn't move anymore.

An inexorable will alone is mundane. There are times in life where Will per se is insufficient.

Sometimes, it's not about the ability to carry, much more than the wanting to be carried.



I have 22 more days to laud and hoist the flag of the relationship, letting it dance magically through the splendid wind.

Whatever it is, I know I have carried you... till this very end... till the last day.

I will live to no regret.

23 Days

每一份爱情必定有它存在的意义。
当它惋惜之后，
眼泪也只不过提醒自己彼此在一起的前因。
这感伤不一定是想挽回的念头，
而是成长的过程

-云孩儿