Aunt Agony 231214

Originally posted by Cycloneeee:

I recently broke up with my ex. Here's the story.

He's serving NS now and i left him not because of NS. For the duration that we've been together, i try my best to make time for him during the weekends by clearing and rushing all my schoolwork on weekdays so that i can spend my weekends with him. I always spend 1-2 hrs travelling to his house every weekend because we live very very far from each other. He never fetches me from the bus stop or the mrt and on one occasion, i got lost on the way. He got really angry that i got lost and scolded me for not being able to navigate properly. 

I understand that army guys are normally really tired and stuff so i don't expect him to travel to my house or send me home. And i also understand that he's really busy during the weekdays so i don't expect him to text me or call me much. So i do try to initiate conversations occasionally like asking how he is and stuff although he never asks about how i am doing or what i'm busy with. 

Every time we quarrel, he never fails to bring up things like "maybe you should go find your perfect guy somewhere else" or "i just want an ideal girlfriend", things that suggest that we should part ways.

Recently we got into a huge argument over something minor that was my fault, and he said truckloads of hurtful stuff to me. Things like "i don't give a fuck if you are hungry, that's your problem. The thing is, I'm hungry". And when i try to apologise for my actions that i sincerely felt was wrong, he pushed me away, swore at me and said something like "don't touch me, i don't give a single fuck about your sorry". And when i asked why he wasn't appreciative of the time i sacrificed for him, he said "All you do is take taxi over to my house" and when i clarified the fact that i am a student and i don't earn to be able to pay for taxi fare to and from his house, he said "i don't give a fuck. That's your problem. I didn't say you couldn't take taxi." And after that he went on to say how ever since i came into his life, i spent my weekends with him and so he doesn't have time to go out with his friends, go to bars and how i don't like it when he goes to club. Thing is, throughout the time we spent together he never brought up these issues. It just seems like he said all this out of anger. And all this happened after he told me to leave his house at around 8pm when it was already dark. He just said "Just leave, i don't want to see you again" and even went on to ask me if he needed me to open the door for him. I believe he treats his parents, loved ones and ex-girlfriend like this too because his parents don't really like talking to him.

Thing is, i did love him. I loved him alot. I tried to understand that he's tired, stressed, angry. And i used to complain that he didn't text me enough, didn't give me enough attention but i stopped because i knew i was being unreasonable. I stopped demanding for so much attention. Maybe i didn't know how to express it properly but i did love him. I would always look forward to Fridays because i'd get to see him and hug him after a whole week of not talking and communicating much. That whole incident tore me apart, being told by someone you love so much to leave and they didn't want to see you again. I just don't know how to fight back or stand up for myself anymore. 

He did apologise after that and told me that he would never tell me to leave or say such things again. He told me he still loved me and that he still cares. To be fair, he does bring me out for dinners, meals and pays for alot of the stuff. 

I thought about this for the entire night and decided that it was time to leave this toxic relationship. I cut off all contact with him and just left. Right now, i am trying to stay positive so that i can start the healing process. Its difficult because i am constantly replaying all the hurtful things he said to me in my head and i'm constantly beaten down. I feel bad about myself and i feel that i'm not worth anything. Also, i keep getting the urge to contact him and return to the vicious cycle again. (I haven't so far)

My question is, what could i have done better? Is he the problem or am I the problem? Conflicts are bound to arise because we are two different people. People quarrel to fix problems, come to a compromise or understand the reason for the other party's actions, not to blame each other for their differences. What could i have done better to get my point across without sounding like i'm blaming the other party? Can i blame him entirely for treating his loved ones like this or does he have some other deep seated issues that he didn't tell me? Is he just stressed from NS and taking it out on me? Is there any way i can help him even though we have broken up? 

I am not the best girlfriend, but i want to be a better girlfriend in my next relationship. Thanks for reading guys :)



It can be considered a toxic relationship because when he loses his temper, he lashed it out uncontrollably like a barbed whip. And because you are on the receiving end, I am sure the impact is debilitating. Somehow, he doesn't seem competent in having the ability to manage his feelings reasonably and may have difficulty in dealing with relational-trust-emotional-intimacy issues.

From your writing, I can tell that you really want to help him. However, before you decide to plunge into this love version of messiah complex, be very mindful of the fact that leading a relationship isnt tantamount to doing social work. More often than not, your engagement would naturally involve certain degree of personal cost and sacrifice - which is also ultimately meaningless because you are technically out of the picture already (namely no longer in the relationship with him).

By asking how you could do better is already an indication to me that you will surely become a better girlfriend. The philosophy is not so much about the 'how', but more on the 'why'.

"Why is being a better girlfriend so important for you?"

My assumption for the above question (on your behalf) is that you probably want a fulfilling relationship that could hopefully last till the end and you want to make sure that the only controllable factor - which is yourself - can be tweak to improve the probability of that happening.

If I am largely right, then ultimately, self growth with volition will surely lead you to quality and excellence.

***

There are some probable directions for you to proceed via self discovery and I will frame it in four questions for you to ponder about (you don't really have to answer me though):

i) What attracts you to this guy? (e.g. he is dependable)

ii) How come you are attracted to these qualities/example mentioned? (because I like stability in a man).

iii) What are the 'side effect' of being attracted to these sort of qualities/example mentioned? (e.g. he is boring).

iv) If what you want is a fulfilling relationship, then for the qualities/example mentioned above, are these qualities/example fundamental for you to ensure a fulfilling relationship (in your perspective)?  (e.g. between fun needs and stability, it is fundamentally more important for me to be in a stable relationship).

Cheers

Aunt Agony 221214

Originally posted by Rock_Sugar:

Hi all, I had this situation which bother me for quite sometime. Maybe I need someone to talk to or a good brother and sister here can offer me a constructive advice on how to deal with my current situation.

In the middle of this year, I met this girl from Thailand via online, I thought to myself that it would be a bonus thing to have an additional overseas friend. So we have been constantly keeping in touch.

Moving forward, I booked a flight to Bangkok for 4 days in the mid of Nov to celebrate my birthday. I asked her if she’s interested to tag along as I’ve booked a room for 2. She agreed immediately. So that night when I landed at Bangkok, I meet up with her and she tour me around the place as I’m relatively new to Bangkok. When I’m with her, she gave me the unwanted attention such as hugging and touching, we had some physical intimacy but there’s no sexual involved.

The next day as it was my birthday, that night we went to drink, she surprised me with a birthday cake which got my attention on her even more.

As the time goes on, I feel that I beginning to fall for her very deeply.

4 days has passed and I’m flying back to Singapore, I kept on thinking of her since I landed back approximately a month ago.

I thought to myself that it may be a temporary lust and would eventually go away in a couple of days but unfortunately it didn’t end here.

I’ve returned to work and my mind kept on lingering about her. Felt extremely distracted and couldn’t focus, it’s only a temporary fun time there and I probably wouldn’t want to contact her unless I wanted to go to Bangkok again.

I consult my friend who is better dealing in relationship, he advice that Thailand is very popular of this love spell, witchcraft, etc and maybe I have been infected by her works, I can’t be certain and I wouldn’t want to jump into conclusion.

Every night when I got into bed, I kept thinking of her again and again. It’s already a month since I went to Bangkok and it’s never end. The feeling is overwhelming. Please advice. Thanks in advance.



Actually, you did not articulate your real concern, so I can only infer based on what you have shared.

I am assuming that you are single: seemed to me that you are worried about forming a relationship with this girl, whom I assumed that you are worried about her having hidden agenda beyond that of a simple friendship.

I don't know about witchcraft but surely if that is what you are experiencing, then the sorcery is probably called infatuation; it affect millions of people all over the world with varying intensity. Hence the conclusion you need is not about trying to break some 'dark enchantment spell', but rather the critical insights to understand what are you lacking in your current situation that is being fulfilled through your interaction with her.

If there is a subconscious need for longing of intimacy (doesn't matter if it's a short term lust or a desire for long term love and belonging), then your experience with her merely manifested and mirrored what you are actually going through internally - in other words, imagine some kind of wild surge happening and you inevitably become the target of your own spell.

I have two questions:

i) What is stopping you from pursing this relationship further?

ii) I am curious about the idea behind your initial intention when you book a room for 2 and asked her along; for someone you don't really know very well (vice versa) and for her to accept your proposal, my guess is that it somehow already set the stage for the type of experience you should be anticipating. Hence, I honestly think that you shouldn't feel as startled about the 'unwanted attention' because the logical sequencing of unfolding events are within expectation.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 151114

Originally posted by Blackops 74:

Hi All

Currently I am serving NS. There's this girl whom was my previous poly classmate. We are together for 3 Years 2 months whom just called it quits with me over Family Related Issues and Time Commitment as I am currently in NS. And as I do shift work my weekends are not guranteed.

She broke the news first to me via text as first saying she is considering our relationship as she was very stress with her studies, personal commitments, Family Issues as well as Extra Curricular Activities in school. We thrashed matters over massage as she was busy mugging for her Quizzes up in a few days time. I even dropped by her school to look for her unannounced to tell her how much I miss her and love her and we talked for a bit before she told me she needed a cooling period to cool off.

Honestly I was devastated and smothered her with messages of how much I love and miss her daily and even called her but to no avail during the cooling off period. I know I should not have done this after consulting some of my friends.

After 1 week she texted me saying she thought enough and that she came to a decision. That she don't think that we can ever resolve the issues that she thinks are problems in our relationship. I replied citing to meet up for her to break the news to me as a courtesy of our 3 years relationship and she agreed to the meet up after her upcoming exams.

I asked her to allow me to buy her a meal when she came over for the agreed agenda. As I really love her and want to chase her back to be part of my life.

Any Recommendations or advice you could give me to make this turnaround a success?



Certainty it sucks having to experience break-up during NS period - especially given that, though you may desire to spend more quality time with her, you are probably fettered by regimental constrains that shackle your time in a major way.

She seemed to have made a calibrated decision and the mutual factors of physical and emotional distance would probably aid her to exit readily. Hence, your chances are probably slim - even if you win this single battle of 'winning her back' now - this relationship would not likely to survive a protracted war.  

You are already doing your best in trying to secure a date with her insofar as you could brandish a fighting chance to convey what you need in hope of having to touch her enough to come back. However, my sense is that any attempt at behaving melodramatically (from you) is likely to reinforce the symbolic message that her choice (to leave this relationship) is more likely to be right than wrong.

She does not actively appear to look for resolving problems in the relationship; she probably gave up trying to manage them and calls to abandon ship - with or without your consent.

P.S: You might feel bitter over this brutal callous reality that she chose to leave you at this juncture - but perhaps some love are akin to bubbles; they are not made to last forever and burst instantly in face of gnawing adversity.

I am sure it is amazingly beautiful while it lasted.

Unfortunately, we can't control when bubbles will disappear - just like we have no control over when love will crumble from within.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 031114

Originally posted by sggalgal:

Hey guys,

Hopefully i can find my answers here.. I am really confused right now. Recently, my girlfriend of 3.5 years started changing after knowing a malaysian guy at her workplace.

Here is a start: When she started working at that place in woodlands, she came to know a malaysian guy which she called sissy sam. Recently, she changed alot and it is really making me feel unsettled.

1. She jumps to that guy's defence when i said he is a sissy while we are talking (She is the one that told me that guy is a sissy and a gigolo). She also keeps mentioning that guy so often until i am so pissed. I also saw photo in her phone which they took together closely side by side while she is scrolling through the gallery.

2. She dolls up alot more often. She suddenly started wearing heavy make up as well as donning really short skirts. I also caught her washing those really sexy lingerie which she only wore when we have intimate couple moments (told me that it made her very 'high' and make her go into the mood for sex). When confronted, she said that she ran out of underwear to wear. (Thats complete bullshit). She refuse to wear it when we had sex during the past few months even after i told her to. She claims it is uncomfortable!

3. She brought clothes for that malaysian guy as well as me. She told me that the clothes was a gift from her mum (Lying). She even show a great deal of concern about the fit of clothes on the malaysian guy and asked for pics of the malaysian guys wearing them while she did not even asked about mine. ( found out when i snooped through her message). I did not even know that the malaysian guy has it as well!

4. She refuses to have sex as well as rejecting my sexual advance. She had also stopped initiating sex and physical contact. She claimed that she wants to be a good girl and wait till marriage. Seriously?

5. She asked that guy out a couple of times (she did not even asked me out for the past few months. We only go out when i asked to)and that malaysian guy even asked her to go jb with him. This is how the conversation went:

Guy: we go jb do tgt lah (facial or smth)

Her: Need ask my mum first worx

Guy: Lie to your mum and say going with bf (me) lah.

Her: going with new bf lo!  haha. :). 

Guy: I know u kidding la. i know we impossible de

Her: Sometimes impossible de stuffs also can happen de.

What the heck is she trying to pull here??? Can someone enlighten me?They also chatted frequently through the night and plan outing tgt while i am sleeping. (Snooped her messages). We have been tgt for 3.5 years alry.. She wont even go to chalet with me but want to go jb with him??

6. My gf started asking me wierd question such as if she could go out with her friends or anything. Why would she even ask that? Trying to make herself feel better for going out with that 'friend' of hers?

7. When we go out, the PDA is still there. But when we are alone, there is none at all.

8. She demands to know where i am everytime.. When i took a bus to her house, she would keep asking about where i am as well as what time i am reaching.etc. is she trying to hide something?

9. She refuse to meet any of my friends anymore even though she knew all of them. We were all ex classmates. She does not want to come to my hse anymore as well...

Guys, I am really feeling shitty here. i am so confused and angry. I even picked up smoking because of this matter. I can't feel her anymore. I know it is wrong for me to snoop her phone. But if i dont, i would have been made to wear green hat without even knowing it.. So guys, please give me some advice. I am really going to snap soon... Any advice will do.. Please dont read and close without replying.. My heart is really hurting as i am typing it... So pls..

Thanks alot...

Heartbroken boy...



Sounds like you are undergoing period of extreme distress. Surely, it must have been terrible to experience the change of attitude towards the relationship and for you to feel disconnected from your significant other in accentuated tangible manner.

There seemed to be serious fissures in your relationship; my guess is that communication channel appears to be broken. Even though there might be reconciliation efforts to bridge understanding by talking about issues - my hypothesis would be that any attempt to gain insights are likely to be marred by blaming stance that would fuel arguments and/or incongruence in communication patterns.

This is not likely to be an overnight change; transformation would have manifested prior before your revelation and way before your internal alarm started shrieking uncontrollably.

***

It's arduous (next to impossible) to do any form of recovery work if 'to-surface-the-white-elephant-in-the-room' conversation doesn't occur. What I mean is that you already have some form of intuitive conclusion that she might be planning a strategic exit through inductive reasoning of your experience in your relationship with her. Hence, to confront this conclusion is critical if you want to know if your premises are true but the conclusion be false. This would result in invalidity of your knowledge of what's really happening in the relationship and allows opportunity to raise conversation to truly find out the source of change and possibility of working for positive resolution.

As it is likely that the decomposition of the relationship has probably inflicted great deal of damage, any delay would probably lengthen your unspoken suffering and the excruciating pain of ambivalence.

Surely 3.5 years of relationship is at stake; however without reflective evaluation of your current relationship, any years beyond this point merely serve as a number trophy that is ultimately meaningless.

Cheers  

Aunt Agony 021114

Originally posted by MssyJo:


Need some 3rd party opinion on what happened. 

I am deciding if I should try and salvage this rs or I should move on.. we are only 2 months in this rs. I know its new. But, i don't really wish to just let it go like this, yet, I don't know if he is worth holding on to?

Knew him in June this year thru a event. We hit off very well & we dated. So eventually we got together in end Aug. He was all along pretty ok to me, and i thought nothing bad about him until this saga. He appears to be a proper guy who treats a lady well. But theres a lot of times he always tells me he is earning a lot and he wants to spend it on gf (which was me) so he always tells me not pay for anything. I feel that he gets satisfaction from being superior, Somehow i get the feel that he is a MCP.

Anyway heres the issue:

It started off as on Monday, he suggested to do a day trip JB for spa treatment & he asked if I can take leave. I agreed to it, so we planned it to be on Thursday. I remembered he ever told me before he doesn't dare to drive in to Jb previously. So I asked him how do he intend to go in this time round? He told me will drive in. So I take it as he has thought about it. Then he proposed to do a stayover on wed night in JB to avoid the morning jam even tho I told him theres no need to do so, he insisted he wants to do so. I find it amusing but I still agree to his plans anyway. So we arranged that he pick me up at 10pm and we will go in jb.

But at around 8pm, he suddenly dropped me a text. He said he think its better NOT to drive there at night. A bit worried. Shall we take a bus in & then cab to the hotel instead?

I was quite taken aback when he suddenly have this change of mind. But I replied him that I am not too sure about this cos, honestly, taking a cab in JB at night is not really a good idea to me. I personally had a bad experience with JB cabbies. I mean if its so much of a concern for him then why not go in the next day then? its daytime afterall.

Then I still jokingly say :aiyo bf u very cute leh if u don't dare to drive in at night then u shldnt suggest a stay over mah.... I tot u shld have considered this b4 hand & I did ask u about it mah right?

then he just replied me : OK

I then told him then that's the case maybe I think we don't go in at night as I rather we take a bus in the next day, daytime since he is not comfy to drive in.

He replied me: I tot taxi should be easy. If I drive, u r ok?

But before I could reply anything, he suddenly replied, Ok , Nvm forget it then. I asked him forget what thing? Is he unhappy or something?

He just replied me: Its ok.

I sensed something is wrong so i asked him, bf, if u are unhappy I would like to know what happened, did I say something wrong here?

He then told me that he was excited to go in but was disappointed cos he didn't realise that I am not accommodative to his suggestion to take a cab in. But nvm. he will cancel the hotel and we go in tml.

So I replied him, maybe I can explain myself. I told him its not that I am not ok with taking bus or cab, its just that there's really potential danger to take cabs at night. But having say that, I am flexible to other ideas. but it seems like he is unhappy with me not taking his suggestions.

then he said its ok we will go in tml.

But u see the point is, all these abrupt sudden change of decisions here & there, & his unhappiness etc makes me feel that i no longer feels like going after such a hoo-ha. we will be pulling a long face to each other tml. i don't want to meet up just for the sake of doing so.
And honestly, i tot i should be the one having the need to be upset for this sudden change of plans, which i didn't.

So i told him maybe tml don't go in, go in another time.

He just replied OK.

I told him, i don't want both of us to pull a long face when we see each other (cos i am abit scared of him giving me black faces tml) Then he totally ignored me until the next day. i cldnt take it, i called him, wanting to talk things out, asking him how can we solve this incident?

He didn't really want to listen to me but just only tells me he don't see why I decided not to go in eventually & he finds me unaccommodating not to take a cab in when he feels that its perfectly ok. I asked him, have u travelled to JB often? have u took a cab at night in jb before? He say not really.

So i told him, he needs to understand my concerns as well. i am worried for both our safety. I feel that he is not receptive with what i said, so i told him i cant really stand petty guys. I told him to think about it and we ended the call. Then after awhile that's when he dropped me the bomb. he told me he wants a breakup. he says i am too strong for him, not accommodative enough. He is more suitable for a accommodating girl.

Well. all these while i have been always very flexible with whatever his plans is. i just follow what he wants to do. He himself keeps telling me that he finds me very easy to be with, i am very easy going with all his plans. And now for the 1st time i have my own opinions. And he wants to end it? ?

i mean, perhaps he feels that i didn't put things in a nice words enough to him (maybe miscommuncation?) for the whole of this exchange. But i really didn't flare up at all. i was making my statement.

& after he text me for the breakup, I still tried calling him twice, but he refused to answer my calls.

So i replied him in a fit of anger, "asking him is this really what he wants?"
"& if u doesn't even want to give me a proper closure it speaks a lot about u. & u are quite a different person whom u claims to be. i guess the feelings wasn't strong enough for both of us. i have done my part in reaching out but u ignored me tho i find it disappointing too."

"& u r not alone. i too, find that our character doesn't match. u r a nice guy. but i probably prefer a man who is not too narrow-minded and is willing to work things out, making decisions together instead of jumping into conclusions alone. & not being a hypocrite who appears to be a pleaser where in actual fact who just wants his way.
Good luck to finding a accommodating girl. & u r right, with such a mindset of urs, u r indeed more suited for GIRLS.

Yes, at this point, I know my reply might be harsh. But I really felt very maligned and hurt by him, by just wanting to pack up & go without even wanting to seek for a compromise between us. I don't know if I should regret with my reply to him.

Ladies, (or guys) what do u think u would do now? Is he trying to do this to seek for attention?

Please.... I need really concrete sound advise before I decide to salvage or to let go from here...

Anyway we havent been talking since then.

I decided to make the 1st move to call him on Wed. He answered my call & i told him i thought about it these few days & wanted to talk things out. I told him i have been repeatedly reading our msges & realised that its a misunderstanding for the whole incident & hence the hoo-ha.

He told me he did read our msges repeatedly too and he was telling me how he felt. He said i was the one who told him i wanna a breakup 1st.

I told him i dont wish to end things just because of this. Its our 1st quarrel and we are still trying to know each other.

Then he suddenly ask me can we talk face to face instead. BUT, he is flying off until next week. I asked him flying for work? He said no.  I was quite shocked that he is flying cos i remembered he has a very hectic schedule this week at work.

He told me the reason he is flying is cos, SG is very bored & its becos of ME, i think he is very badly hurted and he wanted a break so he just book a tix & fly.

When he told me he is flying, i didnt know how to react & i went silent. He did immediately tries to explain to me its a last minute decision & he just needs a getaway.

So we agreed to meet up next week for talk when he is back.

Do you think we still have a chance?







You probably realized that the amount of reactive response intended (at that moment) to hurt wasn't helping you to build a closer relationship. I am sure you are also hurt by his response insofar that it triggered your inner aggression akin to unsheathing your dagger after kicking him down, so as to stab a couple more times the appease the pride anger.

There are probably two issues:

i) You don't really know him very well and pride is one of the greatest obstacles to any potentially good relationship. Surely the first quarrel would provide great insights into what is there to expect should you continue to pursue this relationship. Hence, you have to decide if this is fundamentally an nonnegotiable compatibility issues that you can or cannot work around.

ii) There are poor conflict management within the relationship and would require some level of serious HTHT to teeth out some critical issues by negotiating and agreeing on some workable format for your relationship. Surely for him to escape overseas because he has been 'badly injured emotionally' may sound somewhat ridiculous/irrational, but it is likely to be his (could be) usual coping mechanism.

It is good that you plan to meet with him to talk things out; both of you might want to have some resolution with regards to (1) how we can avoid wounding each other when we are angry (2) how can we be mindful when we express ourselves.

Cheers

Why Communicating in Relationship is so Difficult? (Part 1)

Just finished my entire lecture on Philosophy & God; finally have some quality time to blog.

Recently for some uncanny reasons, people ended up having conversation with me with themes associated with this topic "Why is it so difficult to communicate in relationship?" So here's Yunnie's my two cents. 

Anxiousness is usually the main emotional driver revolving around the conundrum of  'whether I should talk to him/her about this?' The reasoning is simple: if you have an issue that is bugging you badly right now, you would probably weigh the 'worst case' scenario through sharing verses the potential gain of a good negotiation process. 

As humans have Loss Aversion tendency (what this means is that we are more affected by the potential loss of anything than the potential gain of anything. Hence, we have tendency to avoid any form of loss), hence it appears that rationally, it may seem better not to raise potential thorny issues because we are afraid of the consequences arising from having such a conversation. 

The risk is real; especially when you brandished deep psychological fears of the other party likely to respond in an unfavorable way. You are then self-conditioned to avoid raising such conversations because the 'worst case scenario' might be a break up - which is not an outcome that you desire. 

A common struggle that many relationships face all the time is the delicate balance between managing good short term and long term goals of the relationship to ensure longevity in a meaningful sense. Obviously, no one steps into a relationship for mere love with quantity of time, but more critically,it is the profound sense of feeling loved and the wanting to love someone.

Raising difficult conversation brings about discomfort in the short term, but potentially allows greater stability to the long run. Avoiding essential conversations in the short term may ease our anxiety of not having to face short term turmoil, but it could potentially accumulates in disastrous long term famine that could be irrevocable. 

Hence the ultimate question: are you in for the long haul in love? If your answer is yes, then long term stability through forming, norming and storming are important processes that would allow individual transformation to occur, insofar that the survival of the relationship could be ensured. When you have two uniquely different people coming together in a relationship - until they have master a way to manage their conflicts and mutually have their needs met simultaneously, the merciless passage of time will annihilate the relationship through various cosmic lessons presented to them in confusing forms.    

I will construct an equation:

Premise 1: I want to be in the long haul for relationship 

Premise 2: To remain in the long haul, long term stability is crucial.  

Premise 3: Raising difficult conversations may bring about short term turmoil, but it would bring about greater long term stability in the relationship if executed effectively. Similarly, avoid raising difficult conversation in the short run would threaten long term stability in the relationship.  

Conclusion:  

Therefore to remain in the long haul, I would need to raise difficult conversation. 

   

Therefore, the psychological fear of losing the relationship must be mitigated to allow some level of essential communication to take place in the short run if one were to desire a long term relationship. 

"Then how we do execute it effectively?" 

That's part 2 :)

Cheers

What makes for a stable marriage?

This is an insightful article; however, as the research is geared towards the American culture, it may not be so application in Asian society just as Singapore.

However, it is still much fun fact. Click Here to access the article.

Happy Reading! :D

Cheating Experiment

If you have a special power that allows you to cheat without getting caught forever - would you activate this power and do it?

Sounds like real fantasy, but as you gradually descends back to reality, what I am really asking is somewhat a philosophical question. Whichever answers you decide, think a little deeper and ask yourself - 'why did you choose what you choose?'

What governs you to make those choices?

Why there is nothing wrong about a materialistic girl and everything wrong about a non-materialistic guy

Reference to an article published in TRS (you can read the article here), I would honestly say that there is nothing absolutely wrong about being a materialistic girl (pretty similar to a man who only love girls with huge boobs). You can claim that they are superficial, but the problem is never about them - it is really a matter of our choice. You made the choice to date. You made the choice to pursue. You made the choice to jio her.

The bitter truth is that "it is we who choose our partner, not the other way round." After all, throughout the courting process, it is truly freewill.

The writer claims that all his previous girlfriends left him for someone richer. Truth be told that if finding a non-materialistic girlfriend (probably someone more down-to-earth) is his primary prerequisite, then his internal radar would not have picked up the ones with signs that suggested otherwise. Obviously if the writer has a history of such dating patterns, then we need to examine the nature and the development of his choices.

You see, if I walk into a Harvey Norman wanting to buy a television - no amount of persuasion, tactics or employed strategies from the salesman selling vacuum cleaner can make me part my dollar to buy his product.

Of course, that's only possible if I knew exactly what I wanted and need in the first place. Unfortunately in a context of a relationship, this becomes a little tricky. I will explain by tweaking the above scenario a little: imagine you now have $1,000, but on the condition that you must make the purchase by 30 minutes or the money gets taken back. You start scrambling to locate the TV section with no apparent success and by the 15 minutes mark, you encounter the eloquent salesman selling vacuum cleaner. Chances are, you would probably reason with yourself that you could either (1) use the money to buy at least something while you continue to look for your desired TV, (2) or risk having nothing by the end of 30 minutes.    

With the above analogy, those choices in who we accept into our lives then becomes a tool for risk management - not necessarily born out of love. A scary revelation indeed.

Perhaps we have to concede that there is a real difference between loving someone as it is and loving someone with a subconscious clause that he/she must change. For the latter, it is often our own selfish nature to maximize personal needs-fulfillment. We often abuse this actively by wanting to change our partner without first having to reexamine our personal expectation. And one likely culprit responsible for such phenomenon can be attributed to our inability or great aversion to deal with loneliness.

And because many people can't really deal with loneliness very well, the truth (for some) is that accepting an unsuitable partner appears to be a battle easier than having to deal with prolong loneliness with no signs of abating. Sometimes, it is also coupled with our self-defeating belief that if we are single, then there must be something unlovable about us - which is why we are still single.

For a start - you might want to stop feeding yourself with these self destructive thoughts. You are basically worth as much as how you validate yourself; if you figured that you are about a dollar's worth, then essentially you are just that.

Learn to take charge of your love life and be congruent about your needs; the dividends payout from adopting these principles would reward you manifolds in the marathon of love.

Cheers,
Yunhaier

Love is not Charity

Just had a conversation with someone and the gist of the conversation involves questions of going back to her ex. Perhaps it is not so much about what she has decided, but rather, the reason why this even came up.

'I feel sorry for him'. 

I think we need to establish an important principle: that love is NOT charity. Nobody enters into a relationship because they only want to give; there must be a mutual fulfillment of needs. In an absolute sense, relationships that purely give or take pretty much ends up in MH370-type disaster down the road. Everyone enters into a relationship because some aspects of your needs are reasonably being fulfilled, in which you are also then motivated to fulfill your partner's needs simultaneously.

There is no room for charity in love.

There are a number of substitute emotions that can mask the authenticity of love. Sometimes, it is not always external; it could be our inner desire for companionship crying far louder than our natural feeling for the other person. Often, we are assailed by personal insecurity or by self-limiting belief  (e.g. I don't think I can find someone else better or no one loves me like he/she does... so might as well try again).

One cannot expect time to alter the reality of things; there are reasons why certain things ended the way it did. Therefore, one must anticipate that these reality of things will continue to haunt us - regardless of the amount of time you put between 'then' and 'now', especially if these are fundamental challenges.

Time does not resolve fundamental challenges; it merely distort our understanding in the resolution of these problems and creates an illusion of change. Fundamental problems require critical self-negotiation and conscious acceptance in the trade off. If you cannot accept the situation in the past, then going back is just relearning an old lesson. If you have come to a genuine acceptance, then the need to reconcile with what you have traded off is paramount because (going back to the earlier principle) you are in a relationship not for charity. People often downplay or minimizes this traded off equation - thinking that they can manage effectively - but only to ghastly discover how it gradually transform into some demonic resentment later on in life.

One MUST be able to resolve this dissonance at this level; if not, it is probably around-the-world in eighty days in bitterness. Twice the strength.

Cheers,

Yunhaier

Aunt Agony 200614

Originally posted by Undiscoveredsoul98:

I just need some opinions. Lately ive been helping a best gal friend of mine with money. Ive started giving her some small sum every month as an allowance for her as she is financially drained. 

She knows i love her but she rejected cuz she told me she didnt wanna risk losing the friendship. That was 5 years ago. And recently, she did told me she likes me more than a friend but not to the level of bf. she even call me her special guy friend as im her only guy friend she trust with all her heart. 

Im helping without asking anything in return. I did so because i love her is one thing. Secondly, she needs help and she is a best friend so i cant bear to leave her behind with problem. And she is single again so she cant ask her ex bf for help. 

Ive never hated her or hold grudges against her for rejecting me. She knows that ive always respected her decision even if it hurt my feelings. I know im not gaining anything by doing this for her. But i love her and im ready to sacrifice things for her.

***

A guy friend loves his best girl friend whom only considered him as a best friend wrote her a note saying he has to distant himself from her cuz of the pain he had to deal with of not able to have her. 

After reading his note, she replied to him. She says he can take all the time off he wants but pleaded never to leave her for good or end the friendship. Cuz his absence breaks her heart and him being gone for good is like a missing puzzle piece in her life. She even said she is angry at herself for not able to return his love for her. She will wait for him to come back to her when he is ready to resume the friendship. This guy is her only guy friend she treasured. She felt bad for the whole situation and she cried a lot after reading the note. They had been friends for 10 years.

Is it a good or bad thing? Why cry over a guy whom u dont even love as more than friend? Would appreciate if someone can give a more neutral feedback rather giving negative comments like "friendzone".


***


I know im not gaining anything but why i still do it? Cuz i rather she take my money than she ask from others who would most probably try to advantage of her. Like some men would ask for sex in return. And is it so wrong to give without expecting any returns? Shouldnt love  be abt giving without expecting?




That is assuming that her tears represented love for you, in which I reckoned that it may not necessarily be so.

You may be doing this out of affection, but symbolically, what you might crave is the desired affection you are been unable to obtain successfully thus far. Unconsciously, you might be secretly hoping that something triggers inside her, mystically blossoming into a relationship somehow. Naturally if possible, but more critically, the affection must be mutual.  

Though you may claim that you have no motive behind your action, but I will quote what you mentioned in your earlier post:

[quote] Cuz i rather she take my money than she ask from others who would most probably try to advantage of her [/quote]

That appears to be a warped form of elaborated bribery to keep your woman at bay from other men. I am not attacking the genuineness of your friendship with her - neither am I concluding your action to an aspect of moral behaviour (between 'rightness' or 'wrongness'). It is your thinking process... the rationale of your action that doesn't quite go in sync with your action per se.

My greatest curiosity is not about the act of helping a friend in need, but why the need for 'overly indebtedness' on your part to help a friend in need? When you combine this with unrequited affection from the past, you basically created loads of self confusion via having self justifying principles to effectively disguise the true nature of your motivation.

You may have a coveted need - your need to feel needed by her. So whatever responsive cue she exudes could be masqueraded in your mind as a form of love affection easily.

And this is the point I am driving at; her responses are not necessarily driven by love

You may disagree, but given the fact that the fate on the outcome of your 'relationship' has already been decided by her - which somehow still doesn't give birth to any structural formation of a BGR regardless of the amount of positive feelings, regards or responses she has for you - the unfortunately reality is that she may not be into you romantically.

Indebtedness is not love; you just cannot convert an apple into orange because these are two separate things. What you see as love for her could be a pursuit of blind obsession to get her affection, which may turn out to be a mirage of a karmic relationship.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 290514

Originally posted by Maotouyin:

We are both in the 30s. We went out occasionally and msg each other at times during the first 4 mths and 1 fine day, he asked if we can go into a relationship. As I’m not those who will easily go into a relationship with someone, I took some time to consider before accepting his request. Of cos I did recap on the things
he did, he is filial and other factors which I thought we can try out and understand each other more.

I really feel happy when we went official and he is sweet to sms me to wake up daily, update me some of his daily activities, asked if i have taken my meals, etc. Basically, he shared with me things which I consider silly but I don’t mind. My mind is thinking of him though I’m at work and I feel blessed. Sometimes I will buy his favourite snacks for him and cheer him up whenever he faces challenges at work. During his update of his daily activities, I know that he likes to run as an exercise to keep fit. He runs before going to work and run after work. Wkends will also go running in the morning and evening. We went out a few times after being official during wkend afternoon time frame and we also sms each other at night after he finished his run and before he goes to sleep. He slept very early..can be 9pm-10pm.

One fine day, he went into silent. I’m not sure what has happened to him and I’m worried. I tried to sms him few times and call him but he didn’t pick up. He just replied with sms that he is fine and will be ok after few days. On and off, I still sms him and ask if anything happen to him or his family and need any help. He will just reply dun worry. Silent after 4-5 days, he finally sms that he is sorry for keeping silent. I was trying to ask what exactly happen but he just say “move on” and dun be a spoilt radio so I keep mum.
I do not know what can cause a man to go into silent for so long. From his sms to me after moving on, it seems that his mum is having a persistent cough for few wks and not getting better after visiting the doctor twice. Hence, I shared with him some remedies to cure the cough and eventually it should help because he never mentioned about his mum’s cough anymore though I asked how’s his mum now and he never reply. From this incident, I understand that he belongs to those who will not say anything if he doesn’t want to but I somehow feel that he doesn’t share with me his probs though I’m his gf.

I started to find out that he is a hard core runner as time passed. He will run in the morning before going to work, run during lunch time NOW and run after work.

He started to sms me lesser during wkdays. He will tell me that he is tired after the running and go to sleep and we never have chance to interact much after work on wkdays. Most of the couples went out during weekends and I know that he is a poor planner as he commented that things may change even though well planned. I accepted the fact that he is an ad hoc person and I would suggest the place to go to on a particular wkend 1-2 days before. However, he can comment that he is very tired after the running on that actual day and need to cancel the outing. I commented that he really runs too much and whether he has enough energy to handle other things and his reply was that’s why he needs ample rest after running (indirectly telling me no time for me…?). On another occasion which I did not mention anywhere to go, he will tell me his eye is swollen due to flies getting into his eye while he is running the night before. I was thinking there goes my outing with him again. Somehow, I feel that out wkends outings are due to running and other excuses. He will still goes running with his swollen eyes!

He went into silent on a 2nd occasion which I don’t know why it happens again. I asked him but as usual, he ignore again. I started to think our relationship why it turns out in this manner. Is there anything I have done wrong which causes this withdrawal symptoms from him? I apologize to him if I say or done anything wrong and ask him to move on. He replied me the next day with a smiley face. However, frankly speaking, I still do not know what I have done wrong. I saw a poster which states “Apologizing to the person doesn’t mean you are wrong and the person is right, it shows that you value the relationship more than the person”. I think this statement is quite useful and I believe nobody is perfect and we both have different backgrounds. Each relationship needs both parties to compromise each other and understand each other. If I can just give in and he is happy, I don’t mind to say sorry. We went back to normal days with the limited sms daily and no outings on wkends. Either raining, running too tired or I went overseas for holidays.

The official lasted for 3 months and he is very well planned for his running activities but never plan for our activities. I tried to ask him out for a meal so that we can talk to each other face to face but he never reply. I’m at the cross road, should I continue such an unhealthy relationship or I should persevere? I learn that he has a very bad temper and a MCP. His relationship with his family is also not good and he seldom trust pple. After much consideration, I have decided to break up with him. I wanted to face to face to tell him how I have been feeling the past 1 month but he never want to meet me. He will just sms me. Therefore, in the end, I just sms him that we shall end this relationship. He just replied with a sad smiley face. Frankly speaking, I’m not sure if he is sad or happy.

I’m now at the healing stage. I admit I do miss him else I won’t have posted this. He has other good points but the problem is he doesn’t give me a chance to interact with him properly. He doesn’t trust pple easily and he trust his running world more than his family. A relationship without proper communication is a failure. I rather he “bark” at me when he is unhappy at least I know what he is thinking…..




His running obsession may appears to be an innocent hobby, but it is likely to be symbolic expression of an avoidance attachment type and/or desire to remain in comfort zone. He might have personal issues which he is afraid of diverging; that itself is already a difficult process for any relationship to proceed further.

Running is a highly individualize activity; you do not require anyone to do it with you technically. Hence, a core problem lies with the need for too much 'me' time and too little 'we' time in a non-negotiable manner.

One cannot choose to love deeply and still be invulnerable. The very act of loving would naturally implore us to open up internally and subject ourselves to a mix quantity of pain and pleasure.

During the time when he 'suddenly' go MIA, he is probably contemplating if he should end the relationship. Selfish as it might be, his lack of reasonable explanation for his behavior is a likely indicator that he is not willing to make the choice to terminate the relationship but resort to 'push factors' to drive you away, insofar that you would make the choice to end it instead. Therefore, ending the relationship on your side might be mere formality.  

P.S: At this juncture, what you need is probably a man - not a boy that runs away (both literally and metaphorically) the minute the reality of his relationship confronts him.

Cheers

God Sent!

This is hilarious!  ROFLMAO!

Aunt Agony 070414

Originally posted by Smallpillow:

I'm seeing this guy for awhile and he has made sacrifices for me significantly and have me involved in his future life plans. He scrutinises my contacts list of guy friends who likes me and block them out sometimes calling to scold them. He keeps in close contact with my parents and sister selling himself to be someone who loves and will take care of me.

However, I start to hesitate when it comes to settling with him as his honey words become excessive. He is always praising and saying how beautiful, intelligent.. Kind  I am etc ... When actually I have not even be working out even gaining weight or doing any grooming.

There was a time when we were chatting he said " if it's a pretty and kind girl I will love her" so I fumed and replied go to them you have plenty of choices! To that, he replied they will not love him.

At that moment I feel he's just using me for physical pleasure and all those excessive praises are to cultivate me to be close to him. He likes to be very generous to his female peers and be a chauffeur to them. Most of them already have boyfriends or husbands. One of them frequently borrow money from him and he lends it to her. It's in the thousands and it's really very hard to think the relationship is pure and no sexual activity is involved. Many times I broke down, I feel insecure why does my boyfriend wants to cultivate and be nice spend his time and resources on other ladies... And making the women shower praises and loves him. Is he cultivating towards the day when he will be needed for them to feel good about sexually? I feel he is trapping me. If I marry him, I will always be so insecure if he is going to make out with other women. There are a few female friends close to him and he says that she likes to be touched by other men. To that, I feel is he being her friend because of the possibilities of sexual activity that is going to happen...or already happen? I don't know.

At end day, I feel he doesn't loves me and eventually he will cheat on me. I really don't think I'm being sensitive or overly suspicious her. All the red lights are there and I'm just attached to him emotionally at heart that it's very hurting to let go. Can someone support me on making the right decision? He is going away from the country for a year for work and he wants to get married before he leaves. What should I do? 

There are other guys who likes me but I'm starting to think twice about marriage. I don't seem to know if the guy truly loves me if we are having frequent sex. Or if the guy really loves me he will marry And take care of me without having sex as he doesn't want to hurt me. Does this exist? 

His friends vouch for his character and integrity. Back in jc and university, there are girls who like him but he never take advantage or be with them because he believes that they are not the one and only that he will spend life with.

I feel it's very painful to be with him as he is stubborn and only believes in his reasonings disregarding my opinions with a shrug. For instance, if I were to discuss this with him and hope to work towards a happier relationship he will just brush me aside and says There's no end to refuting each other and I'm just having one of those episodes of blowing my top of my own emotional issues. He will always be around either talking to my parents, my sister and whoever he can build relations When things Are not working well with me. At the end of the day, I have triple work to do. Explaining to my loved ones that hey he's really not the guy he seems to be and your daughter here will suffer big time if I get married to him. What does old folks know anyway. I just want to leave on a jet plane and f to all these attachments.



You spoke about the possibility of your boyfriend choosing you because of the lack of mutual feelings and availability with other female counterparts. Frankly, it is meaningless to discern the truthfulness of this statement when I reckon that there is deep-seated resentment towards his insidious attempt to construct an unequal power play in the relationship.

It seemed that he has the rights to be ‘generous’ and has regular contacts to his female friends, while he consciously attempts to ‘block out’ your guy friends. It is likely that he is as (or even much more) insecure as you – hence there is a deliberate intention to craft out a system where he wants to gain power through strategic social isolation.

There are a couple of important factors that would have contributed to your confusion:

i) When you shared about your bf affirming you, your inner self reacted violently and concluded that he must been lying. My sense is that your low innate self-worth might likely be more of a culprit; never mind about the fact on why he says what he says, but the point about feeling that you are an unlovable person, capable only of 'retaining' relationship because you exchanged flesh for affection is not something common.

You are what you what because of what you believe yourself to be. And I am really worried what you are feeding your mind with.  

ii) I wonder how the circumstances of he 'cheating' on you makes any difference here; what I am hearing right now is how much you don't like about him and not so much about you catching him having an affair. Specifically, he does not appear to fulfill your needs or respect you presently; somehow you see yourself as mere component of his sexual gratification, which has not translated to joint pleasure. Perhaps subconsciously, you reluctantly seek to fulfil his sexual needs because it has become a 'way' for you to keep him near you.

***

I don't think fidelity is something that can be vouched; it's really a matter of choice and a constant reaffirmation to loyalty. A vegetarian might someday decide to eat meat. Hence, eating vegetables yesterday and today does not mean that I cannot choose to eat meat the next day.


[Quote: Smallpillow]

He's the one here who is refusing to let me off...

[/unquote]


I fondly recalled the first law of CloUdism (my little book of my thoughts): "it is we who choose our partners, not the other way around." Nobody can truly stop you from walking away if that is your real intent. Blaming the other party for 'not letting you go' is an form of subconscious projection of not wanting to leave either.

I am not saying that you should or should not leave the relationship; but what I am saying is that we have the power to decide what we want to do with our relationship. And this power does not belong to him, your sister or your mother.

It belongs to you. Solely.

Cheers

The True Purpose of an Engagement

The true propose of an Engagement

Recently, I have been engaged - proposed to my fiancée and the finally having the dream of being able to make plans of tomorrow. It was conclusion of a proposal plan, but ground zero towards planning to live a life together.

It is a struggle - of deciding to make a choice between pragmatism (to apply a house first) and lifespan because I find it strange to discuss a mutual future together, without an explicit commitment. Frankly, asking a woman to register a house with you is already some form of implicit proposal. in fact, it is already a great deal of commitment as the consequence to back off from a HDB deal after you have committed into it would easily set you back thousands of dollars.

Therefore, it is already a form of proposal - albeit not the kind that most women want.

Hence, wouldn’t it be wise to propose first and make your plans later?

Well, I will share one fundamental challenge and I term it as the “Twin demons of Finances and Biological Age”.

Let me walk you through a common thinking:
Premise one: I need to finish my university education first so that can earn more in the future and provide for my family.
Premise two: Although I need to work for a few years to clear educational loans, in the long run, I am likely to be better off. Simultaneously, I can also try to save up for wedding and house
Premise three: I need to have a new house immediately after my wedding, so that I can then start my new life together. Staying with in-laws is a no-no as there is too much horror in laws stories. No children before the new house.  
Premise four: A new house will take time to come (unless I am willing to pay for one at resale market).
Premise five: Therefore, I would need to apply a house way before, so that I can plan my wedding near the date when I can collect the keys to my house.  


People are marrying later, not because they want to, but the route towards adulthood by a standard pathway is already a delayed process. For example, if you are a guy going by a JC pathway, it would take you reasonably 25-26 years old (for a 4-years university education) before you start earning your first dollar (not considering the fact that you are likely to have educational debts). Unless you are fortunate to hold a well-paying job with great increment/bonus prospect, you will probably need to work for a few years to pay off your debts BEFORE you are debt free enough to start serious savings.

That is only considering the fact that you did not incur additional liability like purchasing a car.

And if your lady is the same age as you, this will likely to post a problem because woman would have a much earlier head start. Using the same analogy, a girl going by a JC pathway will complete her education by 22-23 years old (for a 4-years university education). She would likely to clear her study loan earlier, have more CPF in her account and hold higher salary (that is before childbirth of course. In the long run, statistically speaking, man will somehow earn more).

However, if she dreams of having children of her own, then she doesn’t have forever to decide.

When you combine the above profile together, you get a typical marriageable age of 29-30 years old for a middle income family situation.

So is that why the twin demonic problem of finances and biological age result in many problems?

People want to secure their house early, settle their dream wedding and have children before a certain age.

I hardly hear people talk about having the importance of a stable relationship, an emotionally intimate and connected love that inspires you enough insofar as you want to genuinely spend the rest of your life with this special person. And my sense is that people assume that this is a given process – that’s to say that all relationship will develop itself into this picture of love.

The horrific truth is that our local statistics shows that about one in three marriages will fail. Therefore, this seemingly natural picture of love is not as common as we think it existed. I find it more troubling to hear “Fuck, my relationship is in trouble, but I have an awesome house” than “Fuck, I don’t have a house, but my relationship is awesome’.  

The true meaning of a proposal is not merely to spend the rest of your life together; it is a conscious choice to relinquish the options of dating someone else romantically and forgoing all possible opportunity cost attached to such a possibility. Engagement is the first step to ingrain this belief, not because of any external factors that ‘leave you with little room to negotiate’ but the understanding that you are given full freedom of choice and this freedom of choice is him/her.

Man - just remember: your woman is not obliged to say yes even if you proposed. And when she says ‘Yes’, you want to be sure that it is because she loves you. Period. Not because she needs to ROM with you within 6 months upon having key to the HDB. Not because she wants to have a grand envious wedding by 27 years old. Not because she wants to have her first child by 28 years old.

But because she loves you. Unconditionally.  

 

The Difference Between Falling In Love When You Are Ready And When You Are Lonely

Although I have fallen in love several times in my life, I have really only been in love once. Doesn’t seem to add up, does it? Well, I have only fallen in love one time, at a point in my life when I wasn’t especially lonely. It was when I was much younger and when, to be honest, I was doing just fine without a female companion to share my life with. That was the first time I truly fell in love – and now that I think about it, the last.

This happens to all of us who have had no choice but to give up on a first love. It’s a sad truth: Once you’ve fallen in love deeply, you yearn for that love; you wish to find it again. You become lonely. You begin to fantasize and create a reality that doesn’t actually exist. Then you fall in love with someone unworthy of it.

That first time you fell in love can’t entirely be described in words. It’s as if the emotions, the state of your being and your state of mind became a different entity entirely. You go from being you, to being this other person — this person who needs this other person to survive. It’s as if you were just introduced to an organ that you rely on for life, which you never before even realized existed.

“Soul mate” is an understatement; it’s as if you have found a part of your soul that you didn’t know you had. It’s all incredibly overwhelming, to say the least. It is by far the most amazing, most intoxicating, most horrible and excruciating feeling in the world. And the second we get that first taste of it, we become addicts for life.

Unfortunately, as most stories go, we are forced into a withdrawal. I would like to say that more often than not it’s our own fault, but it’s never actually that simple. It’s you. It’s him or her. It’s the timing. It’s the situation. It’s the mistakes you made. It’s the mistakes you weren’t willing to risk. The stars didn’t align at the right moment in place and time, and hence, the two of your hearts cracked — metaphorically, of course. Physically cracking you’d expect would be swifter and less painful.

So you go on living your life the best you can, never truly forgetting about that taste, that incredible aroma that filled your soul. We never forget those perfect moments we lived with the person we loved. Then we spend the rest of our lives looking for our next fix.

Loneliness is a strong motivator. It moves us to make — I’m sorry to say — some very, very poor decisions. I can tell you right now that I am very likely to make yet another poor decision in a few hours, in the hopes of maybe, just maybe getting lucky enough to meet someone who I’ll not regret seeing when I wake up in the morning. Although we may love every single other aspect of our lives, being human makes us need the companionship of other people. And if we were lucky or unlucky enough to get a taste of real love, we’re going to search for that next fix until we find it.

Which is how we fall in love without ever actually being in love. “Falling into infatuation” would be more fitting terminology, but not quite as poetic. We meet someone who is great, beautiful, fun, interesting enough. And thanks to our brains being able to imagine grandeur and provoke emotional responses, we can take that previous feeling of love and warp it to fit the new mold.

The funny thing is, we actually believe we are in love. We think about the person throughout the day with intense positive feelings. We imagine ourselves with this person for the long run. We feel a need to see him or her and to spend time together. Yet, more likely than not, we eventually realize we aren’t compatible; loneliness had us raise our hopes up very high.

Things only get trickier as you go through these episodes of loving and mock-loving. After a few runs, you begin to question each new relationship and begin to anticipate the falling out. Then, the question is, would it have worked had your mind been in the right place, or were you really not compatible to begin with? Are your standards unrealistic? Or are you actually selling yourself short and settling?

The truth is, you won’t know until you find the next person you truly fall in love with. At that moment, your perspective comes into focus and you clearly see that most, if not all, of your previous loves weren’t actually loves. Until that point, you are likely to try to revert and reach out to past failed lovers in hopes that you can rekindle the flame.

So, do you hold yourself back from loving until you’re sure it’s real? No. If it ends up being real, then you’ve made it. If not, then you surely had a good time for a good stretch, and because you now know you weren’t in love, moving on will be easy. Live and love as much as you can. Those will be the stories you tell when you’re old and wrinkled.

***

You can read the actual article here

情人节和清明节

Wahahahahhahahahahaa! I totally just ROFLMAO!

I'm Letting My Wife Go

I read an excellent article; don't be fooled by the title - 'letting my wife go' here refers not to the physical sense, but rather the abstract/psychological space needed for your partner to grow into what she needs to become. 

I will repost the article; but you can access the actual article here.

***

I’m sure it may come as a shock to some people, but I let my wife go. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but it was the right thing for the both of us.

No, we’re not getting a divorce and no, we’re not separating. Truth be told, the practice of “letting go” has actually brought us closer together. But in order to understand what I mean by “letting go,” you must first understand that Kim and I are two very different people.

In fact, the differences between us were Kim’s primary concern with us getting married. “Seth, a fish may love a bird,” she said. “But where would they live?”

I smiled at the comparison because it’s fairly accurate.

Kim and I are incredibly different people. She’s the oldest in her family; I’m the youngest in mine. She’s very responsible; I’m…very much not. She loves the city; I prefer the country. She loves healthy food; I love junk food. She enjoys school; I despise school. She wants to watch British dramas; I’d rather watch comedies. She loves to sing and dance; I’d rather not. She prefers flying; I prefer driving. She loves to be with people, and I’d prefer to be alone. Kim is a driven, career-minded, goal-oriented woman, while I, on the other hand, am a laid-back fellow who prefers gardening and writing over anything else.

To put it simply, Kim is an extrovert while I am an introvert. Frankly, it sometimes amazes me that Kim and I even met—let alone got married!

But after knowing Kim for ten years, I knew that I simply couldn’t live without her.

Despite their many differences, the fish loved the bird and the bird loved the fish.

So we put our faith in that love and did the only thing a fish and a bird could do: we got married and built a bird bath.

The bird bath is a symbol for our middle ground—the place where we come together—but it’s also the place from which we feel comfortable to let each other go. To “let go” of someone is to love them enough to let them fly or swim away (or to be themselves) and yet trust that they will always come back.

For if we truly love each other, we have to be willing to “let each other go” to become the best versions of ourselves. Kim encourages me to keep swimming (develop my talents), and I encourage her to fly higher (chase her dreams).

Abusive, one-sided relationships are heartbreaking to me. How can we claim to love someone and then try to limit that person’s identity? Marriage is a union, to be sure, but it’s a union that should liberate, not incarcerate. Real love shouldn’t limit a person’s potential, it should expand it.

Real love tells me to let Kim fly and trust that she’ll always come back. I have to let her go so she can chase her dreams, pursue her education, and develop her talents. Additionally, I have to let go of my fears that she might fly away and never come back. If the fish were to clip the bird’s wings, he would risk trimming her dreams and smothering her altogether.

That being said, I wish I could say that I’m perfect at letting my wife fly. But I’m not. In the end, we’re still two very different people. I have some deeply rooted insecurities, and we’ve had to learn to navigate each other’s personalities.

But while I certainly can’t tell you that I’m perfect, I can tell you that every time I’ve encouraged Kim to fly she loves me all the more for supporting her and having the faith to let her go.


So, if you truly love someone, have the faith to “let them go.” Encourage them to be the fullest measure of themselves, and you will be overwhelmed by the love that your spouse returns to you.

- Seth Adam Smith

Regrets (again) III: The Fear of Regret

The fear of regret on the other hand strikes with a vorpal blade of paralysis, inflicting great terror of immobility to decision making. The struggle of our current plight becomes less terrifying than the prospect of an unknown decision leading to an adventuring route you have never traveled before.  

That is therefore the fear of regrets; lassitude and ambivalent.

Just spring cleaned my room; it's always a cringing experience whenever I unearthed old stuff and read things I wrote more than a decade ago. I always cringed at my earlier poorly expressed juvenile writing and at this juncture, I am unable to comprehend my teenage state of mind/emotions when I wrote those nonsense.

Honestly, I cannot readily figure out how all that gathered and developed into my current state of thinking. Tried to recall back the pathway and it is an impossible task because of the sheer amount of refining done to my mind, which resulted in irrevocable changes.

I was writing emo-stuff. Loads of it. And regret of fear does pop out time to time. It is only until I have decided to make a choice to leave things behind... does things really get left behind.

The fear of regret then thus become an illusion.

I don't think it is reasonable to accept that things remain static or unchangeable permanently. At every given moment, we are confronted with choices that will shape our destiny. The fear in making choices - though might appear that we have deep seated fear of regrets - is really about our fear of assuming responsibility for the choice we make. In love, very often, we want others to make the decision instead (e.g. if he/she doesn't love me anymore, he/she should let me go).

However, that's quite a flawed thinking; nobody but ourselves is holding us back. If he/she doesn't love you, you can decide what you want to do with this information.

Non-action itself is thus a choice.  

Aunt Agony 120114 (Continued from AA 271213)

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I know what you mean by self acceptance and confidence. The thing is, I have asked a lot of women of interest out, only to be stalled or given excuses that they are not free. I not sure when to stop but usually when they strike out three times (three times they tell me that they are not free to come out),  I just don't pursue anymore.

This time with this girl B, I am just wondering if I should try or not. Its just not based on my experience with girl A, but also previous other experiences in which I have stated that I find it hard to ask a girl out. I don't know why, I just have the aura of getting rejected.

People tell me, if I don't try I won't know but its like this, if you ask 10 different girls out, only 2 out of 10 accept your invitation, you feel a bit demoralised.

Well today is Jan 5, but I have yet to ask girl B out for fear that I may show my desperation. She did let me to try in 2014. My heart is tingling to try though, I am hanging around at home doing house chores, kind of boring, feel like asking her out but yet I fear that it is too soon.

Next week I shall ask her out. I am prepared to receive rejection. Just cross my fingers.



I think it is personally helpful that you have a sense of awareness that you are facing some challenges in having woman accepting your dates successfully. However, unless you have decided to embrace monkhood for good as a serious alternative, to keep trying is the other option left. The wisdom in trying lies in understanding 'what' that had led us to failure in securing consistent dates and to improve our probability, rather than to dwell on our failures to demoralize our future attempts.

Dates are not isolated from the reality of interest building prior before the actual date; hence, if the development of the friendship does not develop into some level of positive interest leading to a date, then rejection is just but a convenient excuse to avoid dealing with potentially uncomfortable situation easily.

A woman might have a 'single' profiling, but that does not mean that she will risk everything to date any potential guys just because her biological clock is ticking. The interest must outweigh the risk for the first date to begin and the first date must be great for the second one to appear.

Your 'try' has to be holistic; it has to encompass the entire process of knowing her, even electronically (whatapps, etc). Choosing a random day for date that has little process prior is akin to gambling purely on tangible quality (e.g. the brand of your car that you are driving or your physical attractiveness, etc) to assess if you fit into a category of her 'not minding' to go on a date to 'look see look see'. And if the first date is uncomfortable for her, then 'I am not free' excuse will manifest again.

You cannot control a woman to accept your dates; the only person you can control is yourself. Hence, all you could do is to do whatever you can to build good interest, so as to facilitate her consideration to accept. It is also within your powers to decide how you want her to experience a date with you; from conversation to the dining process.

Cheers  

Regrets (again)

Ah! Same old topic again.

Regret in love is one of the most lasting poignant feelings one could ever experience in life. The resolution of regret can be a very trying affair with good possibility of having no desired conclusion that we hope to gain.    

It is often accompanied by a collective legion of sadness and intense remorse - akin to how the wings of plane are always found attached to the fuselage - often disrupting our otherwise humdrum phase of life.

There are two important distinctions when it comes to the form of regrets; one is our fear of regrets and the other being the pain of regrets. Regardless of its form, this emotion arises because of (1) our ability to recall experience and (2) our ability to make comparative judgment.

Hence, making logical comparison between present and future can produce fear of regrets (hypothesizing), while comparison between past and present can induce regrets (reflection).

Precisely because we have recollection powers, we have the condition to make comparative judgments and experience regrets.

Perhaps, if we are all like goldfish with 3-second memory span, then such emotion would be next to impossible.

I will share about each distinction in my upcoming posts.