Aunt Agony 310505

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Originally posted by Dreamland:
My bf keeps asking me to have sex even though I am against pre-marital sex. He says that our relationship is not passionate. He does not look forward to our annivesaries, valentine's day or any other occassions. He says that next time if he strays, it is my fault.

Kinda tricky, but I would do my best to allow you to have a decent picture to analysis your own situations.

In any relationship, the yin and yang dynamic of it would be giving and receiving. To give is often certain degree of sacrifice, while to receive is merely to receive the goodness of what your partner/relationship has to offer. Regardless of the type of principles involved, an unbendable rule (e.g. against pre-marital sex) clashing against one who desire what you are against, jammed up this system and causes continual conflicts.

When your boyfriend's clarity returned, he probably would feel that 'he would try to respect your wishes.' This is a form of sacrifice on his part and would term as 'giving' in it's own meaning.

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I am kinda flabbergasted to learn that he said this to you:

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He says that next time if he strays, it is my fault.

This goes beyond the theory of giving and receiving - it's intimating and demanding. And a complete lame excuse, stated in advance, to 'protect' his own self-absorbed interest when this actual occasion arises. He had previous sexual activities with his 'sexy' ex-gf back then and because they played him, he prefer someone more down to earth like yourself currently. I don't know if you have already made known to him that you are conversative by nature, but because you demonstrate the kinda of quality he is looking for NOW: what comes together, comes in a package.

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He wants to settle down with a "proper" girl and "gentle" girl.

You want a proper girl, yet you don't want the 'proper' girl to be proper. (I am not saying people who indulge in pre-marital sex are not proper, rather, it's a similar expression of saying a man who demanded a virgin wife, yet wants her to be a sex goddess). Kinda wtf.

So what if the relationship is four years? So what if you are already in your late twenties? Basically, all these figures don't really matter much without your personal 'love investment' consideration for this relationship. You are with a bf who introduces a third party into the relationship, causing serious upheaval, JUST because he wants to change your mindset about pre-marital sex. Let me ask you: would things be very different if you were to change your mindset back then?

What will change? In fact, nothing much.

It's no longer about the sex issue - it has bring forth new factors that has almost eliminated the pre-marital sex problem in your relationship: The empathy, trust, foundation and everything else in the relationship have shook violently, leaving a trail of smoky dust, bearing pure evidences of how weak your relationship is.

Let me tell you, ANY one girl would have the ability to destroy your relationship. Even if they don't, you wouldn't have that power to endure affairs-of-your-man for long.

You need more than just communication - its almost like rules stating. You present your personal proposal on what you expect in a BGR, against what he sees in one. Learn to suck-it-up and compromise or die in the process. If certain critical clauses are left in a stalemate, congrats him on his future relationship and bid him farewell.

P.S: If you two are not looking in the same direction, its kinda difficult to substain your relationship ultimately, even if the relationship continues to run. Same direction as in having good knowledge of how your OWN relationship works and work around it. If you have to end a relationship, dragging it served as a burden for everyone involved. That may not be a product of love - more like insecurity and fear to move on.

You got to know the difference.

Cheers