Originally posted by rouko:
I am with her for 3 years already and she thinks we will get married. But after this relationship with her I found out that I’m gay and I’m very sure now. She is a stunning beauty but I can’t seem to get on bed with her each time she suggests we do it I tried but I have little feeling compared to when I fantasize about guys. I still love my gf but I feel it’s not fair to lead her on since I am sure of my sexual orientation now. How should I tell her this?
Certainly, it must have been a shocking to any partner on the receiving end for such devastating news. For a gay person to engage in a heterosexual relationship is actually quite common as the revelation will sink in after they realized that they are not sexually attracted to their partner, which will spark a reflective, introspection journey that end up with your kind of conclusion.
I think your relationship with her will eventually deplete its meaning because this new found knowledge about yourself will make this equation an error, serving nobody's needs.
Telling her honestly will likely to be met with denial and bitterness. You must anticipate that pain is inevitable - it depends on how swift the cut you want to deliver, instead of dragging this doom relationship further into some illusion of grandeur.
Cheers
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Philosophy and Love
Philosophy in love? Can eat or not?
Though there are many school of thoughts (and much as you may not be consciously thinking about such things, we all have our own philosophy in Love) and philosophically speaking, I would think that most people generally fall under these two main categories - in terms of perspective (ignoring the others for now). They are:
Monism and Dualism.
I kind of figured that people are daunted by words that sounded deep, but essentially, words are merely our way of expressing ideas into something intelligible that could be understood mutually by someone else. And many times, people don't realized that a significant part of their behaviors and way of processing thoughts about their relationship are actually fueled by their own fundamental philosophy in love, which actually give rise to certain phenomenon and circumstances unique to them and their love life.
Monism
the monist subscribe to the philosophy that love means two-becoming-one. Essentially, they see that when you have a relationship, both parties blend into the relationship and become one entity. There is no distinctive separation between the man and the woman for both has to sacrifice individualism (or change) to keep the relationship alive. Conflict occurs because of the 'push-pull' effect - due to the lack of understanding and compromising - which affect the harmony of the relationship. The relationship is the highest good. Some manifest effect of such belief is probably the thinking that couple should always spend their time together or the extreme devastation of severing this 'entity' when a breakup occur.
Dualism
The dualist believes that relationship is two-coming-together. Man and woman are made differently and maintain that love is but two willing separate strangers coming together to form a relationship. Conflicts arise because Man are from Mars and Woman from Venus. Ideally, working through conflicts involves compromising, which is the key in maintaining relationship without losing individualism. Dualist maintain that it is important to keep personal self strong and our personality is the highest good. Some manifest effect could probably fall under the thinking that platonic friendship between ex-lovers are possible or differences in personality actually complements the relationship.
At the end of the day, our own philosophy in love does evolve from experience and oscillate between these two main school of thoughts, depending on the development of our love journey. However, these two perspectives are still generally one-sided and does not provide adequate coverage to the complexity of a relationship and how it could positively grow beyond its limits. Therefore, they must be some middle way to these two extreme.
Therefore CloUdism adopts a nondualism perspective.
Nondualism
The Nondualist believes that the relationship is a result of the combination of both parties, yet maintaining that these two people are distinctively different. Relationship to a nondualist is two-but-not-two. Nondualist maintain individualism, yet eradicates malicious habits as a result of individualism that is harmful for the relationship. The nondualist maintain trust, yet care enough to keep close to the relationship. Conflict arises because both individuals and relationship are not maintaining nondualistic perspective and suffer from issues of the either extreme. Both the relationship and our personality shared the same level of good. Manifest effect of such thinking probably influence the belief that a supportive relationship is crucial (overlapping of social/gender roles) or to respect an individual's past and work towards a common future.
Though there are many school of thoughts (and much as you may not be consciously thinking about such things, we all have our own philosophy in Love) and philosophically speaking, I would think that most people generally fall under these two main categories - in terms of perspective (ignoring the others for now). They are:
Monism and Dualism.
I kind of figured that people are daunted by words that sounded deep, but essentially, words are merely our way of expressing ideas into something intelligible that could be understood mutually by someone else. And many times, people don't realized that a significant part of their behaviors and way of processing thoughts about their relationship are actually fueled by their own fundamental philosophy in love, which actually give rise to certain phenomenon and circumstances unique to them and their love life.
Monism
the monist subscribe to the philosophy that love means two-becoming-one. Essentially, they see that when you have a relationship, both parties blend into the relationship and become one entity. There is no distinctive separation between the man and the woman for both has to sacrifice individualism (or change) to keep the relationship alive. Conflict occurs because of the 'push-pull' effect - due to the lack of understanding and compromising - which affect the harmony of the relationship. The relationship is the highest good. Some manifest effect of such belief is probably the thinking that couple should always spend their time together or the extreme devastation of severing this 'entity' when a breakup occur.
Dualism
The dualist believes that relationship is two-coming-together. Man and woman are made differently and maintain that love is but two willing separate strangers coming together to form a relationship. Conflicts arise because Man are from Mars and Woman from Venus. Ideally, working through conflicts involves compromising, which is the key in maintaining relationship without losing individualism. Dualist maintain that it is important to keep personal self strong and our personality is the highest good. Some manifest effect could probably fall under the thinking that platonic friendship between ex-lovers are possible or differences in personality actually complements the relationship.
At the end of the day, our own philosophy in love does evolve from experience and oscillate between these two main school of thoughts, depending on the development of our love journey. However, these two perspectives are still generally one-sided and does not provide adequate coverage to the complexity of a relationship and how it could positively grow beyond its limits. Therefore, they must be some middle way to these two extreme.
Therefore CloUdism adopts a nondualism perspective.
Nondualism
The Nondualist believes that the relationship is a result of the combination of both parties, yet maintaining that these two people are distinctively different. Relationship to a nondualist is two-but-not-two. Nondualist maintain individualism, yet eradicates malicious habits as a result of individualism that is harmful for the relationship. The nondualist maintain trust, yet care enough to keep close to the relationship. Conflict arises because both individuals and relationship are not maintaining nondualistic perspective and suffer from issues of the either extreme. Both the relationship and our personality shared the same level of good. Manifest effect of such thinking probably influence the belief that a supportive relationship is crucial (overlapping of social/gender roles) or to respect an individual's past and work towards a common future.
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