Need some 3rd party opinion on what happened.
I am deciding if I should try and salvage this rs or I should move on.. we are only 2 months in this rs. I know its new. But, i don't really wish to just let it go like this, yet, I don't know if he is worth holding on to?
Knew him in June this year thru a event. We hit off very well & we dated. So eventually we got together in end Aug. He was all along pretty ok to me, and i thought nothing bad about him until this saga. He appears to be a proper guy who treats a lady well. But theres a lot of times he always tells me he is earning a lot and he wants to spend it on gf (which was me) so he always tells me not pay for anything. I feel that he gets satisfaction from being superior, Somehow i get the feel that he is a MCP.
Anyway heres the issue:
It started off as on Monday, he suggested to do a day trip JB for spa treatment & he asked if I can take leave. I agreed to it, so we planned it to be on Thursday. I remembered he ever told me before he doesn't dare to drive in to Jb previously. So I asked him how do he intend to go in this time round? He told me will drive in. So I take it as he has thought about it. Then he proposed to do a stayover on wed night in JB to avoid the morning jam even tho I told him theres no need to do so, he insisted he wants to do so. I find it amusing but I still agree to his plans anyway. So we arranged that he pick me up at 10pm and we will go in jb.
But at around 8pm, he suddenly dropped me a text. He said he think its better NOT to drive there at night. A bit worried. Shall we take a bus in & then cab to the hotel instead?
I was quite taken aback when he suddenly have this change of mind. But I replied him that I am not too sure about this cos, honestly, taking a cab in JB at night is not really a good idea to me. I personally had a bad experience with JB cabbies. I mean if its so much of a concern for him then why not go in the next day then? its daytime afterall.
Then I still jokingly say :aiyo bf u very cute leh if u don't dare to drive in at night then u shldnt suggest a stay over mah.... I tot u shld have considered this b4 hand & I did ask u about it mah right?
then he just replied me : OK
I then told him then that's the case maybe I think we don't go in at night as I rather we take a bus in the next day, daytime since he is not comfy to drive in.
He replied me: I tot taxi should be easy. If I drive, u r ok?
But before I could reply anything, he suddenly replied, Ok , Nvm forget it then. I asked him forget what thing? Is he unhappy or something?
He just replied me: Its ok.
I sensed something is wrong so i asked him, bf, if u are unhappy I would like to know what happened, did I say something wrong here?
He then told me that he was excited to go in but was disappointed cos he didn't realise that I am not accommodative to his suggestion to take a cab in. But nvm. he will cancel the hotel and we go in tml.
So I replied him, maybe I can explain myself. I told him its not that I am not ok with taking bus or cab, its just that there's really potential danger to take cabs at night. But having say that, I am flexible to other ideas. but it seems like he is unhappy with me not taking his suggestions.
then he said its ok we will go in tml.
But u see the point is, all these abrupt sudden change of decisions here & there, & his unhappiness etc makes me feel that i no longer feels like going after such a hoo-ha. we will be pulling a long face to each other tml. i don't want to meet up just for the sake of doing so.
And honestly, i tot i should be the one having the need to be upset for this sudden change of plans, which i didn't.
So i told him maybe tml don't go in, go in another time.
He just replied OK.
I told him, i don't want both of us to pull a long face when we see each other (cos i am abit scared of him giving me black faces tml) Then he totally ignored me until the next day. i cldnt take it, i called him, wanting to talk things out, asking him how can we solve this incident?
He didn't really want to listen to me but just only tells me he don't see why I decided not to go in eventually & he finds me unaccommodating not to take a cab in when he feels that its perfectly ok. I asked him, have u travelled to JB often? have u took a cab at night in jb before? He say not really.
So i told him, he needs to understand my concerns as well. i am worried for both our safety. I feel that he is not receptive with what i said, so i told him i cant really stand petty guys. I told him to think about it and we ended the call. Then after awhile that's when he dropped me the bomb. he told me he wants a breakup. he says i am too strong for him, not accommodative enough. He is more suitable for a accommodating girl.
Well. all these while i have been always very flexible with whatever his plans is. i just follow what he wants to do. He himself keeps telling me that he finds me very easy to be with, i am very easy going with all his plans. And now for the 1st time i have my own opinions. And he wants to end it? ?
i mean, perhaps he feels that i didn't put things in a nice words enough to him (maybe miscommuncation?) for the whole of this exchange. But i really didn't flare up at all. i was making my statement.
& after he text me for the breakup, I still tried calling him twice, but he refused to answer my calls.
So i replied him in a fit of anger, "asking him is this really what he wants?"
"& if u doesn't even want to give me a proper closure it speaks a lot about u. & u are quite a different person whom u claims to be. i guess the feelings wasn't strong enough for both of us. i have done my part in reaching out but u ignored me tho i find it disappointing too."
"& u r not alone. i too, find that our character doesn't match. u r a nice guy. but i probably prefer a man who is not too narrow-minded and is willing to work things out, making decisions together instead of jumping into conclusions alone. & not being a hypocrite who appears to be a pleaser where in actual fact who just wants his way.
Good luck to finding a accommodating girl. & u r right, with such a mindset of urs, u r indeed more suited for GIRLS.
Yes, at this point, I know my reply might be harsh. But I really felt very maligned and hurt by him, by just wanting to pack up & go without even wanting to seek for a compromise between us. I don't know if I should regret with my reply to him.
Ladies, (or guys) what do u think u would do now? Is he trying to do this to seek for attention?
Please.... I need really concrete sound advise before I decide to salvage or to let go from here...
Anyway we havent been talking since then.
I decided to make the 1st move to call him on Wed. He answered my call & i told him i thought about it these few days & wanted to talk things out. I told him i have been repeatedly reading our msges & realised that its a misunderstanding for the whole incident & hence the hoo-ha.
He told me he did read our msges repeatedly too and he was telling me how he felt. He said i was the one who told him i wanna a breakup 1st.
I told him i dont wish to end things just because of this. Its our 1st quarrel and we are still trying to know each other.
Then he suddenly ask me can we talk face to face instead. BUT, he is flying off until next week. I asked him flying for work? He said no. I was quite shocked that he is flying cos i remembered he has a very hectic schedule this week at work.
He told me the reason he is flying is cos, SG is very bored & its becos of ME, i think he is very badly hurted and he wanted a break so he just book a tix & fly.
When he told me he is flying, i didnt know how to react & i went silent. He did immediately tries to explain to me its a last minute decision & he just needs a getaway.
So we agreed to meet up next week for talk when he is back.
Do you think we still have a chance?
You probably realized that the amount of reactive response intended (at that moment) to hurt wasn't helping you to build a closer relationship. I am sure you are also hurt by his response insofar that it triggered your inner aggression akin to unsheathing your dagger after kicking him down, so as to stab a couple more times the appease the pride anger.
There are probably two issues:
i) You don't really know him very well and pride is one of the greatest obstacles to any potentially good relationship. Surely the first quarrel would provide great insights into what is there to expect should you continue to pursue this relationship. Hence, you have to decide if this is fundamentally an nonnegotiable compatibility issues that you can or cannot work around.
ii) There are poor conflict management within the relationship and would require some level of serious HTHT to teeth out some critical issues by negotiating and agreeing on some workable format for your relationship. Surely for him to escape overseas because he has been 'badly injured emotionally' may sound somewhat ridiculous/irrational, but it is likely to be his (could be) usual coping mechanism.
It is good that you plan to meet with him to talk things out; both of you might want to have some resolution with regards to (1) how we can avoid wounding each other when we are angry (2) how can we be mindful when we express ourselves.
Cheers
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