Aunt Agony 071205

Originally posted by dunamis:
Dear everyone,

My best friend, C has a problem which I am at lost to advice her.
I hope you guys can shower me with your opinions and advices.

I've known C for 7 years and all along, C has been a prim and proper girl.
C is at a marriagable age and has a serious boyfriend, D for about 3 years now. D is her first boyfriend and she treasures him alot. They got along well at first but their relationship starts to strain when D's family comes into the picture.

There were times when C stayed overnight at D's place after helping in his business. (C has her own full-time job as well) After sometime, D's eldest sister (in her 30s and has given birth) found out and confronted the parents.
She started to question the parents on why she and her husband can't stay in the house whereas C can stay? (She is living at her husband's place now)
The younger sister (whois not married yet and still staying in the house) was also not happy and started to hurl abusive and dirty words (cheap maid, bitch, slut, etc...) on C whenever she stayed overnight at the house. The sister started to accuse C of coveting the money or family inheritance, so to say. Because of this, D had a fight with his sister. C wanted to leave but D insisted her to stay.

D's parents dont stay in the house (in other words, they stayed elsewhere and only D and his sister stay in the current house <-- I know its confusing). Then, D's mum gave a lecture to C but his dad said nothing. After a couple of months, D's parents silently approved of C staying overnight at the house. However, the younger sister is still making noise.

Above is the summarised story.

We know that every marriage will involve both families and because of D's family conflicts, C tells me she sees the future as bleak. She is starting to contemplate whether if she should marry D. I suggested to her not to stay with D's parents after marriage BUT she can't hide from D's family forever as there will be at least one dinner every week. In addition, D will make it a point to go to his parent's place on a frequent basis and fix anything (from computers to electrical bulbs) that is spoilt. What i remembered is D told C that she contributed to the house much more than his sisters and so, he feels she deserved to stay. The obvious reason why the sisters can stay in the house without contribution is because they are the daughters, right?

She finds D's family dinners are dragging her life and both the sisters are too artificial infront of the parents. So in my opinion, the siblings are fighting for the parent's inheritance so perhaps, the sisters see C as their competitor (as well as their brother, D) It sounds stressful to me.

Putting the family issue aside. Before this incident happened, whenever C was helping D, D would often criticise/scold her and sometimes, infront of his siblings. She was unhappy about it and they would quarrel. She told me she understand how stressed up D is to cope in such a family and that, she couldnt perform up to his standards. Many times this year, she mentioned breakup to D but D refused to let her go.

Well, I have been wondering. Why is my friend, C still sticking with D? Knowing her for 7 years, I know its not because she is after the money. (No doubt many married couples separated due to financial issues.) They got together in overseas for about 2 years and during those times, he was okay and easier to get along with. They were happy together. But ever since they came back to Singapore, things just changed. She feels bitter towards his family and resentful towards D (because she claimed he kept criticising her). But I think she sticks to him is because she is holding on to the 2 years of good memories, thats why she overlooked the present situation and stayed with D.
Perhaps, D wasn't that bad afterall. He is filial, responsible, hardworking. Those type who makes a good family man but a lousy lover. (Sorry)
D wants to marry C but C is hesitant.

Yesterday, she asked whether should she marry or breakup?

How should I advice? Thanks.

Cheers!


You got to realise that the crux of this problem lies mainly on the family itself, which will become her in-laws if she is married to him. Her hesitation is based on the bleak outlook of handling her in-laws and the little difference regarding personal attitude and behaviour.

And she can't fully blame the man IF communication wasn't made to address the issue of putting her down in front of his family members. Common sense hardly exists in Love; everything must be communicated and discussed. Steps must be taken to improve mutual understanding and empathy, beyond that of a business partner. Always take WORK out of LOVE... it's foolish to congregate them, as conflicts will likely be boundless.

Chances are, the man don't really know what she is feeling emotionally and the extend of her stress she is facing. He may have thought that he was just being 'normal', when in fact, it is not the case.

She is probably confused... so confused in fact, not exactly because of the glorious moments they had spent together overseas, more likely, it is because it is her first love.

She has much doubts and questions planting all over her mind. She is not emotionally ready - so it is a bad timing for marriage to take place. Until this stress is removed, more efforts must be placed in working for a more 'breathable solutions' than the notion of marriage.

Cheers