Aunt Agony 051205

Originally posted by skiturn:
hi guys and gals
I just survive from an 3rd-party attack on my relationship. I am glad that my gf still choose me over that guy. However I am now suffering the aftermath of this 3rd-party appearance and hope i can get some advice from u guy and quickly get over this whole thing.

Here my story, the whole thing started in mar, this guy start woos my gf openly knowing that we have a relationship of 6 year. She told me about this guy who is interested in her and I ask her to reject him. She promises that she will try not sees him so often, but it’s difficult since they are colleague.

In Jun, she told me she actually has crush for that guy but she still love me. We had a big quarrel. She assured me that they are impossible and she will never fall for him since she think that she will not have a future with him. She promises me that she will not sees him. Since then I start to pay more attention to her, spending more time with her. Asking her out is not easy, my working hour is 9-6 while she on shift-work. RT and exam comes, our timing always crash or her friends have already booked her, but surely we still meeting up every week. I hear no news about that guy since then and thought that we are back to normal. Sadly this is not the case.

Secretly this is what happens. Initially she really tried to stay away from that guy, but the guy is too persistent. He continues his wooing by sms, e-mail, write blob about her, colleague outing, supper after work, send her home with his bike and others. She dare not tell me knowing that I will be angry and will quarrel with her. She decided to keep it a secret. He often went to her house and asks her down for a short chat or when she having a night shift. She has no negative feeling for him and was very happy when they are together. Their secret relationship start to develops. After some time, she feels that they are not just friend, slight more than friend. She feels very guilty about it and has nobody to talk to. She falls deeper. She was afraid that he would tell anybody about her secret date with him since she is stilling having a relationship with me. She knows she was wrong but was lost and helpless then. She can only turn to him only. She falls deeper and their secret relationship moves up a gear. They starts doing what couple would do. Holding hand, hug and kiss follows, she become a 2-timer.

On Oct, she finds it hard to be a 2-timer, she start to lie. One lie led to two lies and two lie to four lie and follow. She lie about outing him to me and vice versa to him. Until one day, I found out about the lie, we had a big quarrel, still hiding about her secret relationship (she dare not say it) and could not find a good excuse for the lie. I break up with her (too angry but unintentionally). I ask her best friend to comfort her, telling her friend that I still love her and will patch with her shortly. She cried and told her best friend about the whole thing. Her best friend then tells me about it. The truth is very hurting to me and I just could not believe what have happen. I came to her and tell her to make a choice between that guy and me and give her some time to think about it. We had a good chat over the whole issue on why this thing happens, and I told her that I still love her. After a few days, she still chooses to be with me. I am happy and glad that she is still mine.

Aftermath of this terrible event is not easy. Although we are back together but things are not the same. Some problem still exists or happening.

1) I lose sleep easily, whenever she talk about him or dream about them.
2) I have lost my trust in her and I know that it will take a long time to rebuild the trust again. How to build trust from here?
3) As a guy, I find it hard to forget about the their intimate moment. Time will heal right, but it difficult to forget.
4) They are still colleagues and I am very worried that they might rekindle their old flame again or will she fall for another guy.
5) How do I know if she really loves me? She still forgets to sms and calls me as promise.


This 3rd party invasion says a lot about your relationship... causing a huge decimation to the structure of your relationship. It is likely due to years of subconscious... unresolved... uncommunicated concerns, which took enough time to breed and grow insidiously. These invisible damage establish an entrance for the guy to walk causally into her life easily and stole what originally seemed to be yours.

People often think that a relationship of six years spell stability in bold print, but many of such relationship become more brittle with time in BGR cycle. You cannot think that her claim of Love for you is sufficient to ensure truth and loyalty because your position has changed drastically. In fact, her Love for you is now questionable, and so is your relationship... all hanging on unsecured threads.

A sub-rosa relationship grew without your knowledge - Think about this: she actually ACCEPTED the temptation proposal and CONSCIOUSLY wants to be part of this underground relationship, WITH the INTENTION of masking the truth from you.

ACCEPTED... CONSCIOUS... and WITH INTENTION means she UNDERSTANDS the deal she is getting and the consequence of playing with Russian Roulette - someone will definitely be injured.

***

You are completely helpless; as if bounded by the inability to move your chess pieces. Your circumstances are completely against you - this matter has never been resolved at all and this guy still enjoys vast advantages. She has returned to you... but she has mentioned NOTHING about how she is going to play her cards now.

Isn't this one step forward and one back?

I) If you want this relationship to continue, she has to decide what she plans to do about him. Mainly… how to handle her dealings with him. (Is she going on complete ignore mode? Is she avoiding him at all? Does she still speak with him? Go out with him? Worst come to worst, is quitting the Job a possible option at all?) It is very easy to say 'I love you' one moment when guilt overwhelm her and succumb to the Art of Seduction when she returns to her work place. If she has decided her choice is you, she has to act likewise.

II) Choice is choice... but what is the root of this promiscuity? There are sure leaks, unspoken doubts or possible new implementations, which may contribute partially to this sudden third party invasion. Your current relationship isn't what it is now comparative to the past. Although, she may not have change completely, but certainly, unseen issues lurked around.

What are these? Have you found out what it could be?

P.S: These irrevocable damage stays throughout your BGR with her. The security seal that protects your trust has been tampered - there is no way you could restore those confidence to a full 100%. You got to live with that for eternity.

Cheers