Whilst others are used to complaining about their lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, I guess I will have to do the direct opposite.
I have recently come to realise that I have attitude problems, particularly my overflowing self-confidence. True enough, I do not see this attribute of mine as a "problem" to be combatted, nor a "weakness" to be overcome, but just an innate trait of mine which I am surprisingly proud of and willing to own up to. This is essentially my issue -- I tend to think that I am perfect. Some people say this is optimism or harmless positivity, but others like to put it in other ways: narcissism, cockiness, self-denial and the list goes on, which is of course, a constant cause for concern. The more people tend to renounce me for being "arrogant," "boastful" and a "show-off," the more I feel the need to alter my attitude and rectify things. Eventually I had to succumb to social pressure and change my intrinsic qualities, which is very much like cheating myself if you think about it.
Firstly, I would like to honestly admit that I am a considerably good friend. I consider myself an excellent listener (I do not only trust myself, I have received various feedback on this), a helpful person and an fair entertainer. People say I inject humour into their lives, and I can only feel like I am over the moon when I get comments which indirectly inflate my self-ego. But things constantly turn sour when I start to make shameless, self-praising proclamations, or comment on others in a negative fashion and tone. I have the habit of making snide comments which insinuate that I am better than others like, "look at that idiot; he needs me to teach him how to sing" and "if you beat me in
How am I so complacent in nature, you may ask? People say confidence is a direct result of excellence. If one happens to shine in a particular field, or possess something exclusive to himself and maybe only a few fortunate others (like a smokingly-hot girlfriend), he tends to exude self-belief and eventually builds a superiority complex of his own; is that not right? That being said, it is hard to remain humble once you become conscious of the fact that you are better than the rest. What do we call this mindset again, the we-them mentality? I consistently remind myself to uphold humility, and that was exactly what my parents and teachers reiterate from time to time anyway, but my self-control always turns out to be in vain. I tend to regress to the we-them mentality again whenever I feel that trying to stay modest does not change my life and others' perception of me to a degree that is adequately favourable; it does not have a tangible pay-off.
Perhaps it is my upbringing. There have been too many instances where my parents reassured me that I am a brilliant, obedient, mature, adorable and special child, and I even chose to believe them verbatim. My primary school years were very memorable too, I have never failed to be a Speech Day prize recipient every year, and I later gained admittance to a reputable secondary school where I continued to hone my academic prowess. I was outstanding on the sports field as well, and one would also hate to admit that I am pretty skilful with the girls. Yet I do not have a superstar outlook; I am average at best. But yet others regularly tell me that I am a fortunate individual (more crudely known as a lucky bas-tard) -- I have almost everything an adolescent could yearn for: marvellous grades, athletic proficiency, decent looks, a fairly wealthy family to live within, dear friends and various other talents. Yet I can still sense that something is amiss, a portion of my life is incomplete and marred.
My teacher had once seen me personally -- she commented that my essays reflected a high level of arrogance and smugness. True enough, I agreed with her, and she said there was a pressing need to address that issue, and that it should start from me. She stressed that although she did not have to worry about my grades, she had to worry about my alarming attitude and perception towards others. To quote her: "I may have to worry for the rest when it comes to their academic performance, but I do not need to worry for them in a way that I have to worry for you. Forget spiting and satirical remarks, you need to learn to assimilate with the rest." At first, I really saw her words as a direct challenge to my individuality, but then I thought it over again and she might just be right. Being too individualistic has its drawbacks, and it would seem to have successfully taken its toll on me. She even scoffed, "Are you going to Raffles Junior College? You know that you will fit right in, don't you?" obviously implying that big-headed people belong to their kind. What I found ironic and hard to believe was that she was a Rafflesian herself! Hell, I even followed her foot steps.
After painstakingly detailing the crux of my problem, I really hope that some kind soul can help me cope. Obviously it will be a daunting challenge to try to change others' impression of me -- this is not what I want either -- but I seriously hope that the new people I will soon meet see me in a more positive light, that is all I ask for. People say that JC is a new page in everyone's life. One can feel free to reinvent himself, individuate and basically "fix" what they deem necessary, which is exactly what I am doing now.
I need help, people. Thank you...
You articulate well and you know the root of your problem. Mentally, you are gifted and through speech, you are able to paint a picture of yourself and your own flaws. You display the traits of a confident person for you have quite a complete self understanding. People who understand themselves well generally have better success because they tap on their strength and improve/conceal their weakness. This applies to all individualistic components in our life - (minus relationship... friendship and all those aspects that require a medium outside ourselves. Our self understanding cannot affect others, like others cannot affect our self perception/understanding without our permission).
Your flaws lie in your EQ, not IQ. You do understand that it is a negative trait to taunt and assert superiority over others. However, you find difficulty in changing, simply because you do not exactly see a reason why you should. It is as simple as that. People with superiority complex KNOW that they exude an air, but even through reality, they don't see a REASON why they shouldn't behave in this way.
There are only two ways for you to have a complete change.
I) You are run by a ego-centric nature; however, life usually has it's own agenda on how to bring you back. It would be too naive to paint a peaceful picture of life and when personal crisis arises, your ego would be deflated and crushed, which will then give you the concrete reason/s WHY you should practice humility. When that happens, most people with superior complex are brought down from their apex (how much depends on how critical the crisis smashed on him/her and how much enlightenment he/she gains from the setback).
I came from a relatively good school and seen how such people behave in school. Years later, as we all grew up, it became quite saddening, for these 'back-then-cool kids' have terribly screwed up their lives or have lost their shine. I don't think people pity them much, probably felt they deserved it. In fact, the run of the mill fare much better in society.
You may nickname yourself retarded moron because you are anticipating what could bring you down. Like what you have said - a challenge to your individuality. The first card of a Tarot Deck is The Fool - a young, aggressive soul embarking on his inaugural journey in life. Remember that you are only 16 years old and the route of life is still a long way to go.
II) I am quite sure that your missing void is because you are spiritually empty. And I am also pretty certain that you are not religious and your mind functions and behaves practically. You may probably have a religion, but you are not spiritual enlightened. You may excel in the two worlds - physical and emotional satisfaction, but beyond that, your soul is missing that piece of puzzle.
You should speak with people with high spiritual evolvement and listen to what they could offer you in advice. If you have a religion, explore your religion and seek for reason/s that could undo your superiority complex. It can do you good if you are able to place yourself in environment where people are in the lower segmentation in this society. By doing charitable work and volunteering, you WILL get to bathe in the essence of humility and with time, wisdom will allow you to understand why you should remove yourself from ego-centric mindset and adopt humanistic understanding... that even yourself and the person next to you, are subjected to birth, aging, sickness and death.
You need to feel it in your bone, the reason why you should change and this has to be an active search. If not, nothing will happen and you will remain in this manner until something force changes into you.
Cheers
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