Aunt Agony 101005

Originally posted by bravo82:
hi all.. just need some positive advise hopefully.

i been in this replationship for quite some time.. about 4 yrs oledi.now i starting to get pissed with my gf coz she been losing her temper over every little thing tt i do. it's like i cant express myself freely. everytime with her i must be like keeping my every move under control and be wary not to offend her. i m soooo tired of that. but then i dun wish to let her go. but she is always wanting to break up with me despite the fact that i never do anythign wrong to her. i dunno if she likes the feeling of me always clinging onto the relationship or wat but she is always the first to wanna break up. when she is calm, she will be very nice, saying that she loves this relationship etc etc.

problem comes when some things happen. its like she always like to say tt we r not compatible. ya i know tt in more ways than one we do not think in the same wavelength. but y then she can accomodate so long but now she cant? some more its not my fault. its always her abusing me. for example, i know that she does not like to be shamed in public. so i never do tt to her. but she always does tt to me. i feel so hurt man.. i just feel like slapping her but then i know if i do that she'll be gone forever. i really do not know wat to do. i dun wish to break up ... i wish to marry her one day eventually but then i am so very tired of always waiting whole day for her company, then after she knocks off work and i meet her, we end up arguing with me feeling so hurt. btw, she is my first n only love while i m like her countless? all her prev relationships lasted less than few months, the longest being 6 months only. that 6 month guy is the one she loved the most but then that guy went fooling ard. sometimes i feel that she deserved it. coz i never fooled ard.. never beat her.. always give her the best that i can afford. but she never appreciate me. but i so stupid still do all these.. as i typing this i feel so pain.

btw we are of different race. and she always like to bring this up. her family loves me. oni thing is my gf keep losing her temper for every small thing that i do. so sianz... i soemtimes think y am i afraid to break up with her? is it coz i afraid to meet my n her family as a single person? or is it i scare that i wont haf another gf thats y i clinging onto this one? damn heartbroken here.. i do not know how to salvage thi srelationship. btw there is no 3rd party in this relationship. just tt my stupid gf has a battered past so she always thinks that relationships will fail etc etc. pls advise.. thanks.. and i hate it that she keep saying we are not compatible after so long 4 yrs?? y not say that in the beginning of our relationship?? get wat i mean??


Your girlfriend certainly has a foul temper and to me, this behaviour isn't particularly surprising, considering how much you give in to her. I am not saying you shouldn't give in to your Love, but to give in blindly upon infinite occasions over a period of four years will make her gradually adopt an attitude, which will NOT only serve to take advantage of your good nature, but also proliferate the intensity of her nonsense over time.

It is more like a personality problem, than a compatibility problem. That's probably the reason why communication fails. If she has a string of exes that lasted for mere couple of months each - very likely, there is something 'wrong' with this woman.

***

I remember when my 徒弟 entered into a relationship with this Pisces girl, who had scores of man before him, and I witness how tormenting the relationship was, even though his relationship lasted the longest among them.

I warned him: 'There is something about her personality that makes relationship difficult. If all those who had tried before and failed to change her mindset and everything else, what makes you think you could succeed? I am not here to discourage you from your relationship, but it is something you must put into consideration.'

He told me 'True Love conquers all.'

Yunhaier looked at him and smiled.

***

First Love? CloUdiSm has this theory which states that people's endurance in relationship is inversely proportionate to how many relationship they have. The more relationship they undergo, the less endurance they will have for their relationship, thus our endurance for nonsense is usually the greatest in our first love or the first relationship that matters alot to us. Our patience erodes with more meaningless relationship we have, as we gain an attitude of giving-it-up-easily and searching for new potentials whenever we encounter some complication in our relationship. We also become emotionally defensive, unable to give ourselves fully to the relationship.

You are someone, but in the process, you become somebody else. You altered yourself so that you could fit nicely, without disrupting her sanity and ruin this relationship.

What kind of Love are we having here? An one-sided affair? With you trying to hold on so much... and probably only you wanting to hold on?

A relationship with yourself perhaps?

Communication... where has the communication gone to?

Have you gotten to the root of her personality disorder that is causing so much distress to the relationship? Her negative mentality? Have you sought ways to repair those useless message saved by her past experience? It seemed that you have spend more time, in trying to appease her, fearing that the relationship may be destroyed the minute you fail to do something that makes her happy, than to enlighten, share, work things through what's really affecting this Love - her core personality.

Then again, my question to you is: what kind of Love are we having here?

This reminded me of a story, of an old man who is asked to quit smoking because of his ill health, but chose to continue the habit because the withdrawal symptoms 'kills' him faster than his weak health. He's already so old, smoking for decades and therefore, don't even have the physical strength to challenge those withdrawal symptoms. Seriously, the withdrawal effect could claim his life and since he realise to give up also die... don't give up also die... then smoke lor.

You are in the same predicament.

It's probably a little late to decide on anything without the risk of her saying 'let’s break up' and you begging her not to. So instead of enraging her, you just let her do what she wants, thus leading to your sorry plight. I understand your desire to marry her, but if you were to marry this problem into your marriage, even without checking your birth chart, I can probably tell you that divorce is around the corner.

If one cannot solve his BGR problem in a relationship, a marriage cannot change anything.

P.S: To break up with you don't necessary mean that you have to do something bad to her. If she wants to go... she will go. This is our freewill in relationship - you are just delaying the inevitable... the fact that she wants out, with you holding on for as long as you could bear.

Cheers