Aunt Agony 091005

Originally posted by ptps:
EDIT: I know this is a damn long post, but please don't make comments like asking me to summarize or whatever; I'm really not in the mood. Thanks.

Hey guys. It's my first time on the forums. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by posting here and actually getting some help, or making a general fool out of myself then start beating myself up for being stupid later.

I'm not sure where my problem really lies, or if it's even a problem. It's a bit... disorganised. But I'll try and relate as best as I can.

I'll give a bit of a self-intro so you know where I'm coming from. I'm 18-turning-19 years old, I'm the average girl-next-door-whom-you-probably-would-never-notice-until-I-told-you-I-was-there. I'm studying design and teaching martial arts, having just earned my black belt a year back.

So. My "problem". I find that I get very easily demoralized by things that would probably be insignificant to others.

For example, today: one of the parents of the kids who attend the martial arts class I teach told me that my class was "very messy. Not disciplined like the one over here." (They were a few metres away from class of the same martial arts group I'm in.) That, coupled with the fact that five of my students from my class had recently decided to up and go and transfer themselves over to the "class over here", just pitched my day downwards.

I've heard it over and over again from so many other people that if someone tells you something you don't like to hear, just deal with it, figure out what's wrong, devise a method for improving yourself and then get on with it. Okay. But I find that so hard to do. When the parent told me that, what I heard was, "You're lousy. You're a horrid instructor. How the hell do you manage your classes. I think I'll put my kid here, since it's so much better than that crap you're managing."

I feel very horrid because... there are instructors who are younger than me who come from the same group I'm in. And they perform so much better. They're more skilled, more "popular", so to speak, and they can manage their classes way better than I probably ever could. I feel like a let down, not being able to perform up to the same standards. Furthermore, the kids in THEIR class are all damn "quai". No need to scream or punish or shout yourself hoarse like what normally happens in my class.

Then here's the dumb part. Being an instructor means you're supposed to set examples for the students, right? So I make sure I'm always if not most of the time, early for my classes. I try to engage them as much as possible so they don't get bored. When they fail to perform a move and complain that they "can't do it", I always tell them, "practice makes perfect" or "If you keep saying you can't do it, then of course you can't do it lah!" or "I don't want to hear the words 'I cannot I cannot'".

I tell them all that when I don't believe in myself. "I can't reach the standards of my seniors." "I'll never be able to be as good as so-and-so." "I'm a lousy instructor." I say the things I tell my own students not to say. And I feel so hypocritic.

Same deal goes for my art life in school. I'll get extremely dejected/demoralized when my juniors produce better work than what I've done, even though I did my best for it. I get depressed when I see my seniors, and feel like I can never match up to them. Hell, I get frustrated with myself when I can't produce something that matches up to standard and I normally end up just trashing the project or giving up because I feel stupid and worthless for not being able to compare.

Speaking of depression, I think I'm suffering from psychosis. But I've never really made a move to approach a counsellor or anything because I'm really afraid that they'll laugh off my problem as being stupid, that I'm thinking too much over small matters, that I'm just an attention-seeking idiot. I don't even know if this IS a real problem or not, if it's just me making a mountain out of a molehill.

I've tried telling some of my rl friends about my problems before but they just laughed and said I was stupid, that I angst too much or something. I'm typing this out now because then I don't have to meet anyone face to face, I'd be anonymous on the web. Hell, if anyone has even managed to read for this long without falling asleep, I'll be surprised.

Oh, I also have extreme tendencies to go offtrack when I'm angsting. In case you haven't already noticed. Argh.

I don't even know what my problem is or if I actually have a problem in the first place.



There is too strong of an ego here, which coerced you to pursue the standard of others as a benchmark of success and quality, when in fact you ought to gauge yourself based on your OWN measure. It could be due to the way you are developed emotionally and mentally, where this aggressiveness or abundance of energy flows within you creates a competitive personality. You see things based on result and do things in view of success, yet devoid yourself of much passion and love for these things.

I give you an analogy - a teacher getting frustrated due to a couple of students ain't doing well, say maths, and pulled the overall distinction percentage down.

Although this serve, in some ways, some guideline to determine a teacher's capability, but if the teacher overly dwell on statistic, the teacher will often lose the initial passion he/she had, wanted and thought in her job. The passion of teaching is intangible and why did you teach in the first place? Because you love to impart knowledge isn't it?

If it is your inexperience, then learn from your job. You will gradually improve if you don't take EVERYTHING so personal. People are giving you their negative view because of your work, NOT because of YOU. By integrating your work and doing into a personal level, it isn't a wonder why you could get so emotionally affected by this. Even though you are a black belt in martial art, but you are no black belt in teaching! Don't be so hard on yourself. A good dancer doesn't necessary means he/she is a gifted instructor as well. A teacher learns as she teaches and you are merely learning how to conduct a class and do it well.

As for your studies, to use someone as a stimuli to further yourself is a good tool, but as again, your competitive nature gets everything into personal level, in turn, emotionally affected through something which shouldn't even stress you up to this level.

People call you a perfectionist, but actually you are a runner in life. Problem comes in because you don't know when to slow down your pace to catch a little bit of breathe, enjoy possible scenery or recuperate/conserve some energy for a later burst. You just run without wisdom, thinking that if you don't maintain this speed, you are going to lose and ultimately tired out yourself.

Have you ever thought what and why are you running?

You are competing with yourself isn't it?

P.S: You need to shift your perception to something more comfortable. In life, it isn't always about fighting, competing or challenging. It’s about humble learning, evolving and understand what works and what doesn't. You measure yourself according to your OWN standard, not that of others. You push yourself based on your OWN standard, not that of others.

Are you a Virgo or Capricorn?

Cheers