Aunt Agony 041005

Originally posted by 1bigmess:
dear aunt agony,
I m in my 30s, my life is such a mess.. I was married but my husband and I have gone separate ways 3years back. We lived very different lives. I am a homey person, enjoyed spending time wif frens and family while my spouse couldn't get enough of drinking, clubbing and frequently came back drunk. This year, we finally agreed to sell our flat first before filing for a divorce (our flat was only "eligible" for sale this year).

I have since gotten myself into another mess before I even cleaned up this one. Abt 2years+ back when my marriage gone sour, I got involved with a person at work who was also having marital problems. We started with confiding in one another, one thing led to another... we went on even after we both left that workplace. we had alot of good times together tho deep down inside I knew he would never leave his wife (and never asked him to) tho they hv not slept together for 5years, for they hv a son. Many times over the 2 years, I felt so guilty that I wanted to break it off, every time, he would cry and asked me not to leave him...

but jus last sat, I found out by accident dat while this jerk was with me, over the last 5months, he has been sending mushy messages to a fellow colleague of his, a young gal in her 20s who has a boyfren. I told him I couldn't see him anymore as the only thing I ever asked of him was to be truthful and not lie to me.

He told me was sorry. Swore that he din mean anything, only fetched her to work, ate breakfast with her and sent her for evening classes when her boyfren couldn't make it. Told me she was a fren whom he could talk about work with. Gave me crap about it's diff btw a man and woman, for men, even they have a car, they would still look at other cars etc..

I din buy his nonsense and told him I could not trust him any longer, he really broke my heart. Still, he sends me messages, apologies for his foolish act, asks me out etc. I almost fell for it again but I then asked him if he has since picked the gal up/had breakfast with her or sent her to school during the past week when we "broke-off". He admitted he did. I felt my heart being ripped out, here he is asking me to forgive him and come back but yet he is still pursuing her..

I told him that I would never see him again as I could not let him hurt me anymore. Finally he said he was sorry, claims he still loves me, he jus din know how to love and cherish me, and that he was too ashamed to face me, blah blah blah..

It felt like what Seinfeld said { It's like being in robbery and your partner in crime turns around, points the gun at you and says, "give me all your money!" } I really deserved it, retribution for cheating on his wife with him, now I am the one being cheated on.

I am really really sad, truth be told, yet I knew he was not worth it. I am definitely to blame, I should have known better but to be involved with a married man, what could I have hope for from him - faithfulness? loyalty?! sigh..

I keep wondering wat is wrong with me and why I always pick the wrong guys? foolish as it might sound, I still believe in love but probably finding love in wrong people/places...

every time I think about it, my tears flow uncontrollably.. please tell me how to get over the heartache...


Your marriage ends in failure for marrying a man whom you can't live with. You realize that life in a BGR differ so much more than a marriage and when a guy is simply not suitable, the risk integrate into your marriage. I am quite sure your then-husband was like that during courtship as well, but the rational why you did accept him and his proposal - its all freewill. We choose our relationship... thus our marriage. We live by our decision. But ultimately, you learn that marriage is not forever (This being the Ninth Law of Love - CloUdiSm).

Your mess heightens with your involvement with another man, who is neither available, in marital turmoil and much love complication. The reason why you two are together is very simple; similar situation that breeds mutual understanding. A homely person like you, can't find emotional support from your husband, naturally, you divert this need to someone whom you THINK could understand your plight (Especially so if you are a Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces).

I have seen so many cases, where a person who cannot commit often find himself/herself being in situation where he/she will attract partners that is unavailable themselves. We attract qualities that we exude (This being Fourth Law of Love - CloUdiSm). Because you cannot commit due to your then-marriage when you scandal first begin two years back, you are such a perfect candidate for a relationship with him because he is seeking for people who cannot commit and at the time, you are simply just that. Look at him! He is also involved with another girl, who is unavailable (being attached)... and therefore I am not even surprised when you relate that part of the story.

You question yourself why you always end up with the wrong man, therefore to explain in the same way - your unavailable status could only allow you to pursue uncommitted relationship, thus when you accept the mess you are presented, you fall into greater complication.

Your sub rosa relationship is not only unfulfilling, but filled with fair amount of guilt and despair. You realise that something is wrong, but is unable to discern what is wrong, thus every time when you feel uneasy and tried to leave, his emotional trickery always works on you.

Because you don't understand the mess you are in! Love will attempt to guide your ignorance through harsh reality and circumstances and will continue to do so until you matured emotionally.

Please do not see yourself as a failure in Love just because of your failing relationship. You gain alot of precious lessons from your setback, but you fail to implement those lessons into your Love life and decide to heed your blind sense in a moment of folly that will only serve to screw your life. Your predicament is due to the ill decision you made for your Love life - you may not have the power to prevent yourself from meeting guys that would degenerate you, but you certainly has the freewill to choose if you WANT to have anything to do with them.

Your emotional vulnerable makes you unsuitable, temporary, to pursue any form of relationship. To pressure yourself to continue an underground relationship with him is merely dragging more meaningless days. You will not be able to change him because in his definition of your relationship with him, it’s for uncommitted companionship - you have your own emotional and sexual needs, so does he.

This is a trade.

You know that he wouldn't leave his wife and to carry on this relationship with him is to play a game without game over.

Because his wife... a proper committed relationship... fulfillment... all that positive nature of what Love would brings out is NOT part of the trade. And you thought it may be part of the deal - truth is that... it isn't.

***

Conclude your present problem first - put a neutral ending on your marriage FIRST, before deciding to pursue any other form of relationship. The time you take to write your own conclusion is also time used to heal yourself emotionally. If you desire for a better relationship in the future, do what is necessary to allow that opportunity! Don't attempt to get involve with man that does not share the same vision as you had in Love. You will only repeat what you fail to learn over... and over... and over... and over again.

P.S: Are you for Love, rebound or companionship? This deep question probably hides a cruel truth that even you may not know.

Cheers