Aunt Agony II 130805

Originally posted by pleaz:
hi all.. been spectating here for awhile and seen that some people give really good advice, so i'm trying my luck here.
been really frustrated these days, actually months.. but i don't show it. deep down inside i feel like talking to someone, but i have no one that trustworthy to turn to.

here goes:
we have been going out together for about 8 months already, and she was my first although i've known about her ex since we got together. At first, I couldn't accept it, as he was so much older than she or i was.. and I can't help getting the feeling that he got into it just to use her for it. She claimed that they went out for almost 3 years. Are all men like that? 10 years difference to me is alot, probably because of my conservative up-bringing.. but this kinda stuff really sickens me.. no offence but it seems that way to me..

I thought that i would get through it and accept it. I know, as what most of you would say: If you love her, then you would accept her for who she is. I've tried to, but sometimes it comes back to irk and bother me. so much so, that I know that I'm starting to drift away from her. I really do love her, and i want to feel the same way as before when we first went out.

Problem is, recently he contacted her. I had this burning urge to @%#$ him, but she said just leave him alone. Actually, since the day she mentioned about him, I had wanted to get him, to seek 'revenge' for hurting her so badly.. and coming in-between our relationship. Although I do not know him at all, and he is much older than I am.

Why i say he is coming in between us, is that sometimes.. some actions that i do 'remind her of him', and that gets her all depressed and sensitive.

At first it was worse, she didn't dare to trust me. She was afraid that i'd do the same to her. Sometimes when we get intimate, i can sense that she is still affected and hurt by him... and she does not give her all
i really don't know much about her past, as i do not dare question far for i fear of hurting her again. I know that she regrets it badly. She said that she made that choice, and that now she's paying for it. It pains me to see her in such misery.. I wished i could do something... something for the both of us. I really want to go furthur with her.

I know that it's alittle messy.. that's the state of my mind, but i hope you get the picture. so my question is: How do i get over this? I feel that the only way is to confront him and give him a piece of my mind, but i know that's almost impossible. I want him out of the picture forever. I wish that memories can be erased, the past can be forgotten.

thanks for reading.


You are so hasty... in trying to get her to move on. As a result, you are getting hurt along the way; she is already hurt. She is trying customise to her new circumstance, trying to leave her shadow and walk where the light leads her, while you, being overly affected by her past, subconsciously draw her back because you focus too much onto looking what's behind the relationship and not demonstrate all the goodness that lies in front of your potential love.

Your anger is probably due to lack of exposure in the vast nature of Love relationship. Conversative... or green and unexposed? Afterall, she is your first relationship - alot of emotional message are coming in everyday akin to the junk mail we get. You are beginning to explore, in deeper meaning, the essence of what love brings. You realise that in Love, that are alot of things we can't just do that logical way we would like things to be. (When we are hungry... we eat... when we are tired... we sleep).

Tell me how is that going to change for the better when you confront the man and probably give him a good trashing?

Anger is a retaliation from the injustice felt by you - not exactly something about her and actually, you don't understand her position very well. She WANTS to get on with life, achieve happiness from her new relationship and not over her mundane past. She needs alot of time to nurse her wounds - this is no doubt. Every wound needs a healing phrase; she is of no exception.

Give her all the time in the world to recover emotionally - what you ought to do is to show that she made a correct decision in being with you and your behaviour must work to accelerate her healing. All the little mistrust, lack of affection is NORMAL - don't see it as a sign of unloving. Where are the essential sincerity and respect we always talk about?

Concentrate on trying to build a relationship, not trying to problem solve something that is ALREADY over. You are not experiencing a problem - in fact, it is the beginning of trying to assist your crippled mate forward... and not trying to going back home to fetch a crutch and walk again. Think about distance back and forward - isn't it much tedious to do things that way?

P.S: Love takes time to develop. Whatever you are doing, sometimes reminds her of him; don't get this to heart... it will take some effort and time for her to discover that the real pleaz.

Cheers