Originally posted by smooth12:
hello guys
i need some help here. i cant stop feeling jealous whenever any guy gets close with my girlfriend. I don't know whether i am being over possesive or not. But i do
know one thing. I hate this feeling.
there was this once when i found out that the password for her to log into the computer is her ex-bf handphone number. i dunno how to describe how i feel when i found out about that. she told me that her father and younger sis use her computer too so last time when she tried to change the pass, her father scolded her for changing becoz he already memorised that "password". so she kept her ex-bf handphone number as the password.
We were already 3 months plus being together at that time. Is it a valid reason to keep
one week later after the incident. i didnt try myself to see whether she changed it though.
and there was this once she went for a camp. she was a station master with another guy. i was in school at that time and decided to find her. we talked a bit and told her i wanna see her event but only from afar. well everything was going fine. the camp participants were very enthusiastic. it was when the group left when things happened.
i was sitting down from a higher level and all was clear view. she knew that too. the group of participants left and the other station master (guy) started to playfully splash water at my gf. my gf than laugh and shout2 throwin back some water sending signals to the guy that it is an acceptable behaviour. the guy started to playfuly chase my gf with water they both chase each other splashing water happily and laughing. after the pail of water finish. the guy and my gf took one pail each. stand close to each other, talk2 than walk side by side out of my view to a toilet to refill water.all this happened with my gf knowing me looking down at her. but she did came back and called me to ask where i am and found me with a dissapointed face. i mean is it me being jealous too easily or i was right to be jealous?
where do i draw the line? sumone help me please.
There isn't a thing as the prerogative to be jealous; we merely justify this feeling as a result of some external events that we did not how to resolve or interpret emotionally, hence we classify it as jealousy. There isn't an absolute line to draw, other than independent self regulation to minimize feeling crappy.
The password thing, imho, is completely nonsense. CloUdiSm classify it as symbolic jealousy, where people are affected because they compose meaning to an act or behavior that by itself has no other implication other than its functional meaning. You unconsciously suspect that there 'must' be something going on within her, since she is using her ex-bf mobile number, but hell, that probably represents none of your speculation.
What happens is that you are likely:
1) You are an insecure person.
2) Sees love as a form of possession. (Unconscious perception belongs to a lower plane in love - CloUdiSm).
As for her playing a fool, are you expecting her to wear a stern face and go through the camp as if the world owes her a great deal? Of course she would want to make merry and have fun. Your emotions are a trigger of your defensive mechanism - when you find it difficult to accommodate the new found knowledge internally and resolve it (probably worst if you are a Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius or Taurus).
Everyone generally suffers various degree of jealousy - the only cause for concern lies when jealousy adversely affects the relationship, be it whether it is justified or not. One myth about jealousy is that some people believed that it only manifest through triggering from the external environment - but the truth is that it's almost 100% an inside job. Jealousy is a self demon - the people around you cannot feel the intensity of your emotion, unlike anger or fear, and it is often insidious.
Like some hideous phantasmal forces, it feeds on your gnawing inferiority, gaining strength as your self esteem fades from the lack of holistic understanding in love. If you want to work on 'jealousy', you got to work on your insecurity - by patching the emotional vulnerabilities that allow this 'demonic emotions' to exploit your inner self.
The causes of insecurity are myriad and it isn't easy to pinpoint the exact root; even more arduous to implement changes.
But I will just leave you with a simple thought to ponder:
You can't stop love from leaving on its own accord, but you have every span of control to prevent yourself from pushing love away. Ironically, most people understood this only when they understood regret. Perhaps enlightenment and regret is but two side of the coin, derived from the same product.
Cheers
Originally posted by couch^potato:
feeling so demoralised. depressed about my breakup with my 6 yr relationship. dunno why my gf now ex must always leave me at crucial times. last time i accident and while recovering within the first 2 months(still recovering after 2 yrs..coz major accident) she broke up saying that i was boring. now i having my exams next week and she broke up again with me about 2 weeks ago. feel like shit really. cant study at all. no mood. wanna enjoy but also worried about my exams. dunno why but she always seem to be leaving me when i need her the most. i am unable to move on also because my heart feels so heavy. really v depressed and i am already mentally prepared to repeat my yr. :( why is it that she always leaves me when i need her the most? i just cant bring myself to accept her again if ever she comes back :(
Before you begin dwelling in some incessant, bottomless pit of melancholy and depression, I think you need to have some deeper understanding of the misery you are into: there is quite a bit of narcissism, mourning why your ex-girlfriend always leave you in a lurch. However, when you reverse that self pity thought, I wondered why in the first place would you accept her again only to grant her access to create a second misery in your life one more time?
In love, we all have that bit of narcissistic self, craving for the certain attention, love and companionship from our other half. It is natural. However, I cannot stress enough on the fact that your individual happiness in any relationship cannot be entirely depended on another person. The mindset of 'I can only be happy in his/her presence' merely suggested that you are not only emotionally instable, but also lacking the innate self love you ought to brandish before you could start expanding this very love to another person and forge meaningful bond we called 'relationship'.
Perhaps you are also blinded by the fact that this is already a 6 years relationship and it feels painful to relinquish an investment you have so carefully nurtured. But technically speaking, it's even less than 6 years - considering the fact that every time you broke off, it starts from point zero and not where you last end off. This will inflate your perceived misery and forms a 'Greater Lost Syndrome' in love (CloUdiSm).
Your sense of abandonment is reiterated, as you are unyielding to accept any possibilities in breaking-up or moving on. You merely create an avenue for your individual cosmic lesson to replay this excruciating karmic debt of helplessness and abandonment once again. You might clenched your fist and adamantly refuse to accept your outcome, but death in love is deaf and it hears no denial.
Once the lessons are provided spiritually, any attempt to lengthen it often promise prolong wretchedness.
Perhaps it's time for you to preview your situation and decide if it is worth the while to yearn for someone who doesn't really bother about you. In Love, we cannot always use the same yardstick to measure our relationship six years ago and now - for we have evolved emotionally and psychologically, thus our needs, expectation and personality will surely change over the years.
There are times when Love becomes irrelevant gradually - not because it did not exist in the first place, but rather, your spiritual journey with her has come to fruition and there is nothing else this relationship could provide for you.
Find someone who could walk through life with you, and not overly focus your effort on people who are bound to get down after a few bus stops. You can't stop them because that is their destination.
Cheers
Originally posted by rx7Savanna:
I'm so confused over what I should do now.. Me is 19 and my ex is 17.. She is still a first year and I'm into final year of studies. We broke up last week as she said she cannot cope with the stress of her parents that have been reminding her not to get a stead, and her concentration of her school work.. and therefore she decided to let go..
However, I've found out that there are other reasons that she wanted to let go. First she cannot stand my attitude of dealing with problems and the habit of didn't really plan ahead. She prefer someone that will plan ahead of things. However, I've promised my best buddy whom i've known for 6 years and her that I would change and prove them wrong that I can infact change, which i'm trying now..
And one more reason is that she had realised that a guy left a very good impression on her and can take care of her better than me and can plan ahead.. she intents to go steady with him soon and i believe it's somewhere this week..
I tried to show that I've change by showing her care and concern and asking her is there any problems to share but what i'm getting is just cold responses from her.
I intend to ask her how is she going to plan ahead to deal with her parents if she going to get a bf again and how is she going to plan for their responses since she said that her parents had consistently nagged at her that she shouldn't get a bf.
I feel that the reason she gave me on her stressful parents is contradicting on what she's doing now.. like as if finding some excuses to hush me up for the time being..
so what's your advice? continue to prove them wrong or just give up on her?
and I'm sincerely sorry for the wordiness..
There are two parts to this:
I) You are right in saying that her reason for break up is merely a reason to diss you off. And if you haven't realize by now - any reason will suffice actually. After all, words are just words - the content isn't as important as the intention.
In the other side of this context: if a person genuinely wants to remain in a relationship, even for the wrong reason, she will stay. Nothing can make her leave if she is bends on remaining.
You cannot force Love upon another just because you desire it so - much more than the willingness for a person to be with you.
II) If you are determined to change your flaws, it must be a revolution from within and not some feeble method to 'win her back'. The latter is often a short term measure to rebrand your identity, but since the core hardly changes, you will probably revert back once the 'inflated initiative boost' wears off.
People often talk, very superficially, about how they will change in name of Love, but I can tell you most merely end up diverting these negativities into other section of emotions or energy and not learning to resolve them through higher/spiritual understanding.
If your ability to evolve is largely depended on the existence of others and their approval, then you will lead a life where your growth is limited by the kind of people that live in your environment.
Sometimes in Love, one must learn to release before one can learn to walk forward.
Cheers
Originally posted by Dongybell:
It has been a long time since I hit the forums. I usually do that only when I feel extreme loneliness.
Today, I found out my exbf has found a new girl. It has been almost half a year since we broke up, but I cant seem to get over him. We were together for more than two years. As I type this, tears cant stop flowing down my cheeks. Everyday I am kept busy with school and outing with friends. But everything I do seems to remind me of him. I still yearn for him to come back to me. I always thought there will be a chance, but now, I feel so crushed. So depressed.
I hate this feeling. I am scared.
Albeit it has been almost half a year, you have not moved an inch.
You merely delay resolving the outcome until a later date.
Now that that second verdict is out (first is when the both of you broke up), it seemed that you have reiterated this crisis a second time, like rewinding the entire episode once again within your psyche.
Then problem doesn't lies with the time that has passively passed you by; rather, it's the inability to accept your situation that is causing you great misery.
You have two choices: to continue with denial tactics or to dissolve this pain through higher understanding.
Until the day you become gain acceptance, only then, recovery can begin its work.
Cheers
Originally posted by JasonC:
She was the sister of a friend's friend.
Nearly a year ago, We chanced upon each other by accident and we started keeping in contact via email.
Then there was a slight misunderstanding (she thought i was keen on someone else) and we didn't really talk for six months.
Recently she asked me out for coffee and in the midst of our conversation(s), we cleared up that misunderstanding
Since then we've been in contact almost daily, and we've been going out more frequently (not as frequent as i'd like thou!)
she informs me when she's heading out, lets me know when she's home from a late night out, etc. I'm pleasantly pleased with this; When i was contemplating a job offer that would require me to travel frequently, for a number of years, one of her first reactions was "does that mean i'll only get to see you in a few years' time?
its been two months since we caught up with each other again, and i'm this time, i'm pretty sure she's the one i want in my life;
A few days back, I tried to sound her out, but I had a feeling that she knew what was coming (either that or i was over sensitive) for that meetup was pretty tense.
Things were still the same after that, so i'm pretty glad for that.
Now I've came to know that there's possibly another guy in the picture.
but she wouldn't say much, other than that's a friend (she does have quite a few male friends)
I know i should come clean with how i feel, but is this a good time, or should i observe more?
One thing i noticed, we tend to think too much for the other party, and sometimes, this leads to a lack of action by both parties. this is bad, i know, and i'm working on it.
Can any kind souls please advise?
This is probably similar to a salesman who does his pitching but doesn't know how to close the deal.
Yeah... the price is clear. So is the function, the unique selling point, the need, the desire, the service, the aftersales service, the warranty, the setup, the additional accessory, the colour, the size, the model, the discount, the free premium, the contract period, the number of users.. blar blar blar blar blar.
Sheesh, so how do I get her to close the deal?
Just pass her a pen and sign the acknowledgement. Done.
Albeit you like her customized attention to you, but you still must recall that ultimately, you two are not yet a couple, yet acting, in certain aspects, like one. I reckoned that there is too much of that grey line in which your friendship with her have inevitably transformed into. Informing you when she is going out and coming back is a little too much for just mere friends - but because there is this distinct passiveness in your attitude towards the chase, it's probably just hanging there.
You are probably just maintaining status quo.
I don't understand how competition can change your stand in loving someone. You mean just because someone is probably in the picture and that per se could deter you from advancing?
Observers are only meant for football games - if you have no intend to play the game, then I suggest you could make better use of your time by doing other constructive things - like focusing on your career. Though nobody wants to play a soccer game only to lose, but if you don't start the match, you will never know the outcome.
Be a player, not a punter.
Cheers
Originally posted by SuPerNovas:
I hate someone.
When i see there someone, all the painful memories appear infront of me.
How i wish there someone can just disappear from my life forever.
You don't hate her.
You merely hated a part of your memory, which is essential a part of yourself.
You cannot make her disappear, but you can learn to accept this part of yourself until you become indifferent to her presence.
Cheers
I WAS sitting alone in my school canteen one afternoon when a girl came up to me and asked if I had time to spare. Yes, it was yet another get-to-know-God session.
I'm sorry if this sounds impolite, but I've had enough of such encounters in school and other public places.
I find the increasingly noticeable trend by Singaporeans to proselytise in public worrying.
It is not uncommon when one is sitting alone outside Starbucks, or on a bench in school, to find oneself being approached by some stranger who starts introducing his or her concept of religion.
It may be acceptable to spread one's religion by setting up a booth at
Proselytizing in school is too much. I am well aware that these people mean well, and feel intensely about their beliefs and that good things are meant to be shared. I feel the same way about my religion too but I do not do what they do because it is not the right way to share my beliefs.
Such get-to-know-God sessions are undemocratic because they indirectly convey the message that a person feels his religion is superior to the beliefs of others, and that others should therefore switch.
It is also intrusive especially if courtesy requires one to listen when one wishes to turn away. I am glad that my friends, who are of a different religion, do not try to convert me.
Religious freedom does include the right not to be annoyed by someone who over-enthusiastically tries to promote his or her beliefs.
Tolerance and acceptance have their limits.
I believe that the only way for a person to win respect for himself and his beliefs is for that person to be a good person first.
He should embody the values which his beliefs teach him, and prove the strength of love through actions, not sermons.
Show me that your beliefs make you a better person, and that your religion makes you care for the world; that is all you need to do.
After encountering one too many sessions in public, I think that there perhaps should be a law to ban such religious touting.
Wee Feng Yi (Ms)
Originally posted by yahoo.com
Hi everyone. i had posted a few times earlier. dunno if u guys remember me. but anyway i am back once again to seek some clarity in confronting my problems. hope i can get some feedback from the different people and their views. :)
Me and my gf have been together for like 6 yrs now. during this 6 yrs we had our ups and downs and we broke up 3 times before. each time after the break up, i got into a rebound relationship where i enjoyed the company of the new gal but never did i love them. nevertheless i did my utmost best for the gals giving most of my time. but each time whenever the one i truly love(my gf let's call her 'A") contacts me, we actually patched back because we missed each other alot. i am actually of a different race from my gf. my gf is chinese and she has been my first gf ever. The first time we broke up was because after 3 yrs of being together with her, she persistently sought a breakup as the solution to our problems. i had endured enough for the 3 yrs and just after an accident i went through, she asked for a break up yet again. this time i complied because i decided i had enough.
A month after this, i had another gf 'E' who i had lots of fun with. she brought a new meaning to my life because i was enjoying getting to know another gal. i had previously devoted my self n time to just 'A' and didnt mix with other gals at all. but i was unhappy deep down in my heart because i knew 'E' was never gonna be the gal i am going to settle down with. and finally 3 months after being with 'E' i mustered the courage to break up with 'E' and reconciled with 'A' after 'A' had gotten into contact with me. (i admit i am a soft hearted person where i can take care of a person and am prepared to live with the person and take care with her even though i do not like her. it's due to my stupid feeling of being responsible for my actions) that's why i say that i mustered the courage to break up with 'E' because 'E' was a very good and nice gal. she never angered me nor showed any signs of bad temperedness that 'A' exhibited. but still i left her n got back with 'A'
After getting back with 'A' i realised that things were never going to be the same. i tried as much as i could but i just took the relationship for granted. i never wanted to see her as much as i used to want to see her. i just enjoyed the intimacy that we had and also the fact of having someone whom i loved beside me. also during the breakup prior to this, i got into contact with many gals and realised that there is a whole wide sea out there. there are indeed so many gals who are better than 'A' and i wanted to make as many female frenz as i could. i didnt wanna be stuck in the same situation as to hafing a frenz circle with no gals in them at all again. so i kept in touch with all the gals i made frenz with. i didnt like them but just u know, keep in touch and the occasional lunch/dinner kinda thing.
My gf 'A' was extremely unhappy that i wasn't giving my all in the relationship. i admitted to her that i couldnt give my all after what had happened and that i will try my best to spend time with her. but that wasnt enuf for her. she wanted me to stop my clubbings(with guy group..no gals inside and my gf A knows my 2 guy frenz). she says that i will be stolen by other gals. to me, i am an average person and being from the minor race, i dun fancy anyone of my race and also the chance of me getting together with ANOTHER chinese gal is extremely slim and so i told her not to be afraid. despite that 'A' was still worried and would follow me on my clubbing sessions. one day on my bday, she got so angry that a gal was dancing with me when i swear that i didn't. the gal who was dancing close to me was a fren who was dancing with ANOTHER gal. this set up another storm of fights between her n me. even my fren who wasnt drunk vouched for me that i DID NOT dance with any other gal. so after those arguments we broke up again.
after this breakup, 2 months later i got involved with another gal of the same race as me. again i felt very unhappy and this gal 'G' had a bf who she was not happy with also. so we spent much time together. i told myself that i will leave when i find someone who i really love and i hope that it had better be soon. 'G' had also told me that she liked this relationship to be open in the sense that either of us could leave anytime and we would respect the other party's decision. 4 months later, G and me broke up because i could not stand the idea of 'sharing' her with another guy because when her actual bf was ard i could not contact her. her promise of choosing either one of us was also taking a longer time than she said so i decided to end it. i felt good about it because i knew she was not who i loved.
suddenly by god's grace, the very next day, 'A' contacted me saying that she was drunk and asked if i could send her home. after like 6 months of no contact, i decided that i shall go and see the one whom i really loved. after sending her home, she confided that she loved me alot (in a sober state of course) and that she has never chosen anyone else despite our breaking up for so long. (she is a very pretty gal being sought after by many many guys) so we got back together. things were fine at first. she really had changed for the better by so much! she was very mild tempered. she was very into her new found religion. but she never trusted me. she was always suspecting that i was chatting up other gals etc. yes it's true that i do chat on the irc and msn. i haf tons of contacts whom i do not know and am just a virtual fren with to them. so whenever ppl have problems i tend to lend a listening ear to them.
there was this once where this gal was having prob and i told her that not to worry so much. even me haf a gf but i am not happy in the relationship. there are many ppl out there who are much better than her ex-bf etc etc. and my gf stumbled about thissaved msn chatlog. we argued abt it and i told her that i was only coaxing the gal. why didnt she read all those other msn msgs where i so happily told to all my frenz that i patched back with my gf n i really love her alot etc etc. from then on after seeing that msg she has never trusted me.
she will always read my frenster msgs and get angry whenever i add any gal. when she asks me why i did tat, i just tell her that i do not know the gal at all. which is true. i just add becoz she added me. is this wrong?.even the status of being 'single' in frenster got her angry. but i put as 'single' becoz we always break up n reconcile. whenever i change everyone in my list knows what happens and my lifestory become public. i hate that and so i decided to leave it as 'single' forever. this one also is wrong in her eyes.!!! anyway after having so much problems with frenster i deleted it away for her. the latest problem was today when i tried to get a client for my brother.(this client is my fren whom my gf 'A' and me and her together with another 5 frenz went ktv singing togther on friday) in doing so, she read a conversation sms i had with another female fren. in it i playfully told my female fren liek this "ya lor.. i msg her coz she wan buy thing from my brother wat. u wanna buy thing from my bro meh? thats y no msg u but msg her instead. no la.actaully i love her i just realised today. thats why i msg her. haha" i and my fren always tok like this.. but my gf upon seeing this sms she got angry. and she started showing me face and wanted to break up again. i started to coax her and i could see that she was really very tired of being in this relationship. i tried explaining myself that if i did have anything to hide i will not even be keeping that msg in my hp. in fact i should be the one doubting her because she is the one who is in sales and always haf customers sending her lovey dovey gdnite msgs. but i have never doubted her nor always check her hp. but she always do this to me.
now i am in a predicament. i dun wanna continue arguing all the time. but i also do not wanna break up. and i am always the playful type who will joke and tok alot to gals infront of my gf. i feel that toking in front of her means that i got nothing to hide. even so, those gals all know that my gf is there with me. and i am really tired of always not earning my gf's trust. she never trusts me and it seems that checking on my email,frenster,hp is becoming a daily affair. so can someone pls tell me what i should do? and she always thinks that i haf alot of gals going after me when in fact most of my free time is spent with her.
is leaving her the right thing to do? in that sense, she will haf a chance to learn to trust another person who might become her bf. because she never trusts me so when we get married this will certainly pose a big problem.
but if we breakup i am damn sure that i will be very unhappy. i dun even think i can learn to love another person again. i just wanna study and earn more money now. btw i am 26 and my gf is coming to 25 so pls dun think we are those small boy small gal dunno how to think and get into love etc.
i thank those for giving constructive points for my complicated relationship.
Interestingly, there are also significant percentage of people in their late adulthood, suffering from what you deemed as 'small boy small gal' problems, especially when earlier stages of love development wasn't mastered or completely avoided by the individual. And apparently, your relationship is not even close to harvest, despite, surpassing the age of adolescent, having full autonomy of your personal life and leading a relationship of six years.
What I am trying to bring across is that our understanding in Love and our chronological age can be quite mutually exclusive.
Also, I would like you to understand that Love doesn't flow in a linear format, dictated superficially merely by the length of time. The eventful journey in which you have arrived at - is largely due to the cause set by your past circumstances, which tripled in strength and smashing you with karmic crisis after crisis, because they is a blatant lack of wisdom, in aspect of Love and relationship.
Because she is your first love, chances are, you will always have a soft spot for her. Enduring initial three years of nonsense might have seemed to be a long frame of misery, but not when your world only revolves around her. Problem only comes after you gain this short independence - you start to realize that the world is larger than what you could ever imagine.
This discovery is like a overstretched rubber band that cannot restore itself back to its original shape because there are indeed many fishes in the pond and there is absolutely no way you can now delete that knowledge. There is a distinctive kind of 'damage' dealt to your emotional self and your overall experience in Love, just like a kid who has been barred from playing outside his house. Upon first breath of freedom out of his house, he will run straight towards the soccer ball that has been lying outside the field all these while (as he has been observing quietly through the window while remaining 'captive' inside the house).
This is exactly what you did; you entered into meaningless relationship for relative comfort and happiness upon hasty exit of your previous relationship. Also, there is a gnawing fear infesting within your soul, you actively kept a horde of female friends, subconsciously forming a kind of 'safety net' because fear has taught you not to entrust your world to just one person.
Can you love without trust?
Surely, your fear is dominating you much more than you realize- it has probably transformed into a phobia. You will probably panic the minute you do not feel 'alternatives' around you. Don’t get me wrong; it's actually healthy to keep friends of both genders, even if you are in a relationship, but the difference lies in your mindset in adopting female friends. And it has nothing to do with whether you are interested in them or not; the reason why your relationship never walked out of turmoil upon second and third patch is because you remained uncommitted yourself.
The act of constant sourcing reveals your inability to remain committed to YOURSELF, yet subconsciously demanding this quality from your other half, in face of your relationship. This creates a inevitable distance and pressure on your relationship, creating more suspicion and mistrust in her attitude towards you. Then when you sense her wrath of god every other occasion, it actually fuel your self fulfilling prophesy in NOT having to invest commitment to just one individual, while you rationalize that you did not cheat her in any ways.
This is actually bi-directional.
Your flippant ways triggered her insecurity and caused her to lock her grip on you. In response, your fear to be imprisoned is triggered and you constantly shape-shift your position to resolve this fear of being blinded to only one person.
Why would I claim that you are uncommitted, yet demanding commitment from your partner subconsciously? Upon careful examination in your relationship with G; you have shown an intolerance towards this her natural MIA whenever G is with her bf. Take note that the clauses you have set for yourself are mutually agreed, that this is an open relationship, yet you are unable to stomach this very set of rules you have lay down.
If you noticed, after the intense break up after the clubbing incident, you attracted G, whom is also non-committed herself. This is a reflection of an old law in CloUdiSm, where we attract the quality we exude. Simply put, if you are uncommitted, you attract uncommitted partners. And I must stress that 'commitment' doesn't mean that you are promiscuous and cheat on your other half - it simply means that you find it arduous to meld into love, holding conscious, deliberate reservation.
You adamantly felt that she is the only one you will love and stubbornly decide that no one else can give you happiness. Ironically, I don't see you being very happy in your relationship right now though.
Do something right for once; should you decide to break off, do it neat and don't ever look back to patch for the fourth/fifth/sixth times.
You are probably just delaying the inevitable.
But if you are bend on staying, then you really got to talk about this love and fear that has been circulating throughout your six years relationship. Lay terms and adjust what you and her ought to should do to allay the stress on this relationship. She is probably just as unhappy as yourself, so make it a point to discuss the root of this unhappiness and seek a mutual solution to dissolve this.
Chances are, she doesn't feel that you are spending most of your free time with her. And chances are, you don't really understand her phobia in seeing you walk away from the relationship (it is likely a self fulfilling prophesy on her end and now she is paying through her misery as this relationship has already 'walked out' on her three times). Since you have said that this is not a 'small boy small girl' problem - then learn to exercise some maturity and wisdom in ending your plight once and for all (be it leaving or staying).
Cheers
Originally posted by Ecko_Geek:
I’d once told myself to give up love. But what would you do if it comes knocking on your door? You either have to accept or reject…can never be both. For me it did come and knock on my cold steel door. The loudness of the knocking grew fainter over time. When I decided to check on it, no one was there, instead, he/she went knocking on someone else’s door. I might be ignorant or plain stupid back then. So, will there be a next time?....coz I’ve ripped the steel door apart
If you are always making bad judgment and living in the past, like what you did when your previous experience caused you to 'give up love' and you are now regretting like hell - I really suggest you start picking up the pieces and learn to look forward.
It's not really about 'the next time' - the problem is: would you even recognize when the opportunity comes? Also, will you still continue to cry over spill milk and screw up your 'next time?’ And then start frantically pray for the ‘next next time?’
Cheers
Originally posted by booo!:
Sorry for the long post but hope you guys get the whole situation. Thanks in advance for the advices.
Im currently in a private school studying my o levels. At the start of the year, i met this girl named A and a guy named B. Soon A and myself started hanging out and texting each other everyday, A and myself grew close, but back then I never regarded her anything closer than good friends. Shortly 3 weeks after I knew her, B liked her and started advancing towards her, B and myself were good friends.
Finally a month after they were together, A and myself still maintained this close r/s as good friends. One day, B went over to A's house, he went to purposely check her MSN message history with me as B knew that A and I were quite close. B found out that in the earlier part of the year, I did mention to A that B clubs alot and grinds alot. But that was before A and B got together. The following week, B confronted me and it came to a point where he started pushing and stuff. B mentioned that A was his bitch and I had no right to even talk to her, or to even mention that he goes clubbing alot. Then at that point I did not want to fight, so I told him to come whack me first, but in the end my classmates dragged both of us away.
Then, I was dam pekchek over the incident alr, I told myself, for the sake of getting back at B, I shall not whack him, but instead get his girl. Since A was close to me, I was confident of doing the job. Thus at night when A was sleeping, I called her and so called expressed my feelings towards her, I told her if I was to ever go for her, would she give me a chance. She said Yes.
A day later at night I told A what happened over the incident between B and me. She was angry, she broke off with B immediately. For some reason, I was delighted. Over the weeks, B tried to get back with A which was around early march period, but failed. B's reputation in school grew to the worse and alot did not like him. A by now was disgusted at the sight of him. Two weeks ago, B came and bang me from the back as I was walking in front. He turned and said not happy ah, come toilet settle, in his terms meant 1v1 lor. Then I just continued walking, then later B grabbed my shoulders but I just twisted his hand, then again, classmates pulled us away. A came out, wanted to help, but I forced her back in class first. I then later said i no balls to fight, then i went back into class lor.
Then recently, few days ago, B told A that no matter what A does, B will wait for her and show her what true love is. I felt jealous. Since the past few weeks, I have always been awaiting A to call and text me, like always looking at my phone. As for A, she is a simple minded girl and quite naive. Instead, I felt bad for taking advantage of the situation. In class, I purposely went to class late walking in together with A to spite B, whats better than hurting someone emotionally eh. To be serious, deep down inside I find its hard to get to be a couple with A due to different characteristics, behaviour and thoughts and also that A is in the same class as me. Thus I feel that we would be better as good friends. But however, Im not confident of the r/s if it were to ever happen.
I dont know myself, if I even like her, or want to further the r/s. Things would be hard if we ever got together, I dont want to let her suffer and go thru all the shit that I would bring. She doesnt like smokers and sadly Im one that smokes, but I would go to the extent of quitting to make her happy. Last time I didnt give fuck bout girls, but A is one who can always never fail to cheer me up when im down, make me laugh all the time. I dont know how far coincidences can bring but, 8/10 times I look at my phone awaiting her sms, it would just nice come in. Sigh.
Thanks for reading. (:
Somewhere in your mind snapped and you decide to pursue her as if she was the most effective 'revenge tool' to wield against the other guy. Frankly speaking, I doubt it's all about revenge; imho, there are more hidden affections than dry vengeance because if your decision is solely born out of some maniac, vindictive root, you are likely to adopt a 'chase-fuck-throw-taunt' methodology. Why even bother treating her even better than that other guy?
Upon close examination, closer truth might be that you are also unconsciously interested in her; it’s just that she got attached to this guy too quickly insofar that you are unable to conclude any form of meaningful relationship. The 'moral' factor probably stepped in and might unconsciously pressure you not to step on the 'dating accelerator'.
The break comes when this guy affronts you - what happen is that this incident stir up everything from within: your decision to chase this girl is masked by the facade of 'revenge' - indirectly, it instill courage for you to pursue this girl, through rationalizing (Freud considers this as a defensive mechanism). Deep down inside, you probably cared more than you 'took advantage.'
Why am I so sure?
Jealousy will never appear if revenge is your only concern. The fact that it did suggested something more.
You last paragraph reveals a fear, which I reckoned that it's this unspoken phobia that deterred you away this woman. I have no comments if you feel that there is a huge incompatibility chasm you cannot resolve because I do not know you or her personally. But what I would like you to do is to learn to make your own decision/s from today onwards - notably, your decision must be a SELF motivated desire and not any externally-motivated decision.
The latter decision is like trying to make the other guy appear like a loser by hanging around his ex-girlfriend, while the former represents a desire to chill out with this woman, without giving a damn whether the other guy is in the picture or not.
From there, it will tell you a lot about how you position her in your life. Then perhaps you might have more visibility to eventually solve your own conundrum.
Cheers
Yunn, thanks for your thoughtful post.
Why is it an intensive karmic bond? In physical aspects, I try my best to do right from wrong. Whether it comes to him or any other options, I avoid veering towards temptation. Sometimes I manage, other times I don't.
I quit picking up his phonecalls neither do I make contact. I avoid contact. By some twisted chance he keeps coming back into my life. Is it my subconsciousness at work?
I've been in serious relationships but never been in love. Haven't dated anybody exclusively for a long time now. Your post brings one question to mind, something that's been nagging me from time to time, am I normal? What do I do from now on to turn things around?
At times I veer off course and consider whether it's necessary for me to take a step forward. Be nice. Go for dinner. Give it a try. Do this and do that. Respond a little, pay him a visit, give him a phone call. Is it all connected? Are things the way they are today because I lack the ability to show this person, or any other person, any kind of affection? Or is this just the way it's supposed to be. And it's best for me to just leave things as they are because he's just a jerk to begin with.
Did he severely encumber me, or was it my own doing? Who was wrong about it? I stagger along these two ideas, unable to decide.
I know you're no step by step guide out of any problems, but what would you do if you were in my shoes? I don't think the problem lies in this person. The problem lies with myself. If I were him, I wouldn't want me. So why should he? Or anybody else?
Anyhow life goes on and I have many questions but never enough answers.
Will take things as they come for now and keep myself busy enough with work and stuff.
Karmic relationship doesn't define itself as a 'right' or 'wrong' relationship. The morality of a relationship is mere segmentation perceived by humans, churned from different sets of value and beliefs. It merely spells it as a relationship that produce tremendous lesson that leaves behind more than just footprints in our lives. Often we degenerate; may not always be in linear sense, but holistically speaking, something is stolen away from us surreptitiously and we can't seemed to revert back to 'once upon a time'.
In general, we called it experience - what I did was to define this experience as karmic.
Twisted chances you say? Or is it self fulfilling prophesy? There is an equally high chance that you subconsciously bought the idea that he will never go away and your thoughts merely deliver this exact result into reality for you.
What would I do?
You write well and I have seen long essay of your old problem a year back. Surely, there are probably some unspeakable emotions that cannot be expressed into words, racing through your consciousness randomly every other moment of your life, like some kind of macabre affliction. Therefore, you probably think, ponder, consider, conclude, reject/accept ten times more intensive about the emotions you cannot express, than the ones already written here.
The reason why you don't feel this vehement hatred towards him, albeit he has been condemned as a jerk by everyone else, is because he did satisfy a hidden, unconscious need you never realized in life. And I want you to understand that this vulnerability probably stem from some kind of aberrant development during your earlier stage in life.
You are right in saying that there is 'something wrong with yourself' - therefore the exercise you need to accomplish is to uncover what went off-key in your life and what did his presence actually do to paralysis your unconscious wounds?
Of course, it takes more than just an online forum like this to understand you as a person, because what works for me might not be as effective for yourself. Therefore, only by understanding one’s root where the rot began to fester, would one be more competent to combat current and future 'infections'.
Still, to answer your question: I will eliminate contact forever. No exception whatsoever. Period. Rational being: if you can't handle it, then avoid putting yourself into such predicament. Then I will nurse myself with massive introspections and reviews about this scenario and figure out what do I learn about myself from this ordeal.
Cheers
Originally posted by jackdaniels:
I write with feelings of confusion. I'm not quite close to agony, but my situation is enough to jostle a few sleepless nights now and then. Seeking advice from people here, what would you do if you were in my situation?
I tried breaking contact. I deleted his numbers. I changed my numbers. But no matter how hard I try, as always I'd end up revisiting the same old grounds going through the same old feelings. The phone rings while I’m fast asleep, I pick it up in a hurry and it turns out to be him. Either that or I do not recognize a new number and I wind up picking up the call. The cycle is getting tiring. And I have long concluded we’re headed nowhere.
A few weeks ago, he asked me why I never seem to call him or initiate contact even when he’s back home. I reflected asking him why should I? I’m searching for a person who can be around for my ups and downs. Not some kind of ninja (like a forumer once described) who appears and disappears at will. To pacify the situation he told me he’d be around when I need him. Even now when he makes the effort to make more contact while overseas, I view it as his latest attention-seeking ploy.
Am I too cynical about this person or am I a dimwit, back up, spare tyre who keeps falling for the same old tricks?
Along with most of his other three worded sentences, I’m hardly a believer anymore but I'm finding it arduous to keep him out of my mind.
What I do not understand is why is that no matter how hard I try to be rid of this person in my life, he has to keep coming back. Why he isn’t getting the hint. Is it because he thinks I’m really this stupid?
Feel free to be harsh.
So we are back to square one; I checked my database and recalled replying to your post 290507, 310507 & 300607. Perhaps the difference now and then is that your earlier awareness confirms your need to sever this intensive karmic bond, yet you have no idea why you never succeed.
Yes you are right in saying that a dubious relationship with this man is meaningless and aimless. However, if you take him out of the picture and relook at your life holistically, it doesn't actually change much. What you are facing is the lack of strong conviction to remove him because in the first place his presence doesn't consciously change the existing structure of your love life, albeit in essence, it does affect you emotionally negatively. It is as empty as a shell.
Are you in love with someone else? No.
Are you exclusively dating with someone else? No.
Because your love life is almost defunctive, even if a jerk was to creep in and take shelter, it doesn't really matter because the real dude has not arrive to steal your focus away from this ridiculous relationship you had with him.
To worsen your plight, it seemed to me that you have a very passive attitude towards changing your situation. You want to cut contact, yet you questioned yourself why didn't he get the hint and leave you alone. The problem lies not with him leaving you alone, but rather how much determination you have to tear away from this bondage. Logically, why should he initiate to leave since he can continue to milk sex from you? Hinting him to get out of your life? Oh dear, he is probably anxious that this uncommitted free sex is about to expire: better make more calls and shower more attention to ensure that it continues.
My dear, you can't stop him from trying to contact you, but you have a choice on whether you are contactable by him.
Until the day this conviction is clear, you will never walk out of this.
Your emotions and mind is probably jaded. You might subconsciously tell yourself 'what the hack... what's the difference between having sex with him for the 65th times since we did it 64 times already.'
It's no longer about the sex or the relationship you have with him.
It's about you being severely encumbered by this scenario, decapitating you and robbing your ability to see interest in anyone else.
Unless you change status quo, you will remain in status quo.
Cheers
Originally posted by j_dsowner:
Yunhaier
so what you're trying to say is that i must slowly figure out what i really want out of this friendship?
and my actions will bring out huge consequences?
yes, i'm indeed confused at times whether it's love or just a normal friendship bond and that gets me really lost in life.
and now i'm stuck in treating her good or distance myself a little more away from her.
one of my friend once told me " there's always a limit to being a friend . " [ cos she suspects something about me that time ]
is that true? is there a limit to being a friend? I didn't know that being too good to someone will bring about harm.
and today that girl msged me, and i replied in a rather unhappy tone. and she msg me back " since you are so unhappy i won't disturb you further. "
am i right in doing this? I don't know how to reply to that. i don't know if i should talk to her. i don't know if i should just keep to myself from her.
Your action will beget consequence to your own identity - the identity you carry. If you are clear about your own definition of how you see this friendship, being a good friend is merely being a good friend. But if you are always within the grey area, you are just making things difficult for yourself and her as you will probably resort to hot-cold treatment to ease the intention. That per se creates misery for both.
It is not the perimeters that the world has set for what defines a friendship, rather, it's your self understanding that will enlighten you on the underlying rationale why are you behaving in that manner.
Identity confusion is an adolescent phase some people go through. It doesn't mean that if you are having some sort of crisis, it automatically means that you are a gay person. You just need to learn to segment emotions and feelings from within and put names to these classifications so that you are able to recognize and differentiate them.
Of course, at the end of the day, if you are hell of a sure that you are in love with your bestie and internalize that you are a lesbian, that's a completely different story altogether.
Learn to know yourself. Speak to someone else you are comfortable with (probably not within your social circle if you fear words might go around) and release some of these closet thoughts. You might actually feel better and discover more about yourself and learn to make better judgment.
Cheers
Originally posted by j_dsowner:
To Yunhaier:
yes i agree with what u said.
anyway i've decided to live a life of more of my own.
but the nights are the hardest. i always end up with thoughts of her. when i catch myself thinking of her, i would just knock my head n force myself to think of other things. it's just so hard. i can actually lie in bed thinking for 2 hours before dozing off every night.
and during daytime all i think is to sms her or chat with her online. i have to control myself. i can't seem to distract myself well. You guys can tell me to go out with other friends.. but the problem is money.. i can only go out let's say twice a week with friends.. and then most of the time at home i'll be playing games or watching videos. There are times i feel very lonely at home.
How do you guys suggest me to do if i wanna keep my mind of her?
You can't coerced feelings out of your soul the way you extract egg yolk from the whites.
Everything MUST come from within - if the acceptance is not genuine from your inner self, the top-to-down demands issued by your mind will not be assimilated into motivation to change your circumstances. Basically you are only trying to dissolve this crisis through artificial pressure, but if it ever hits your breaking point, you will probably implode, especially when you are caught simultaneously in a low emotional state.
I don't need you to forget about her; I only need you to understand yourself, as well as to fully understand that not all Love are the Love you know. It doesn't matter whether you end up being a heterosexual or a gay person because you live with the consequence based on the choice you pick. Love does not discriminate it's cosmic lesson based on your choice, because everyone suffers various degree of pain/hurt in Love.
You seemed to reveal traits of insecurity, similar to characteristic of any lover that also display signs of obsession.
However, one can only hope to dissolve a karmic relationship through cultivated wisdom and higher realization. Thus the understanding of the essence of Love truly transcends all state because Love per se is pristine - just that our decision in life often draw us towards complication.
Sometimes, we live in false dreams; gazing at the surrealistic motion picture, we consciously already know at the back of our head that this is not exactly something possible. But we still hold onto a deluded possibility that things might just happen for the weirdest of situation.
Even so, will that bring you fulfilment? Or more pain and suffering?
You got to internalize these questions inside and appease your forbidden love from rebelling.
A child will not willingly eat his veggies unless his mother forced it upon him. But there is only so much a mother can do to make his child eat those greens. It would be a whole lot easier if the child understand the importance of eating vegetables and have him accept it as part of his diet from a young age.
You are like the child.
Think about it.
Cheers
