Yunn, thanks for your thoughtful post.
Why is it an intensive karmic bond? In physical aspects, I try my best to do right from wrong. Whether it comes to him or any other options, I avoid veering towards temptation. Sometimes I manage, other times I don't.
I quit picking up his phonecalls neither do I make contact. I avoid contact. By some twisted chance he keeps coming back into my life. Is it my subconsciousness at work?
I've been in serious relationships but never been in love. Haven't dated anybody exclusively for a long time now. Your post brings one question to mind, something that's been nagging me from time to time, am I normal? What do I do from now on to turn things around?
At times I veer off course and consider whether it's necessary for me to take a step forward. Be nice. Go for dinner. Give it a try. Do this and do that. Respond a little, pay him a visit, give him a phone call. Is it all connected? Are things the way they are today because I lack the ability to show this person, or any other person, any kind of affection? Or is this just the way it's supposed to be. And it's best for me to just leave things as they are because he's just a jerk to begin with.
Did he severely encumber me, or was it my own doing? Who was wrong about it? I stagger along these two ideas, unable to decide.
I know you're no step by step guide out of any problems, but what would you do if you were in my shoes? I don't think the problem lies in this person. The problem lies with myself. If I were him, I wouldn't want me. So why should he? Or anybody else?
Anyhow life goes on and I have many questions but never enough answers.
Will take things as they come for now and keep myself busy enough with work and stuff.
Karmic relationship doesn't define itself as a 'right' or 'wrong' relationship. The morality of a relationship is mere segmentation perceived by humans, churned from different sets of value and beliefs. It merely spells it as a relationship that produce tremendous lesson that leaves behind more than just footprints in our lives. Often we degenerate; may not always be in linear sense, but holistically speaking, something is stolen away from us surreptitiously and we can't seemed to revert back to 'once upon a time'.
In general, we called it experience - what I did was to define this experience as karmic.
Twisted chances you say? Or is it self fulfilling prophesy? There is an equally high chance that you subconsciously bought the idea that he will never go away and your thoughts merely deliver this exact result into reality for you.
What would I do?
You write well and I have seen long essay of your old problem a year back. Surely, there are probably some unspeakable emotions that cannot be expressed into words, racing through your consciousness randomly every other moment of your life, like some kind of macabre affliction. Therefore, you probably think, ponder, consider, conclude, reject/accept ten times more intensive about the emotions you cannot express, than the ones already written here.
The reason why you don't feel this vehement hatred towards him, albeit he has been condemned as a jerk by everyone else, is because he did satisfy a hidden, unconscious need you never realized in life. And I want you to understand that this vulnerability probably stem from some kind of aberrant development during your earlier stage in life.
You are right in saying that there is 'something wrong with yourself' - therefore the exercise you need to accomplish is to uncover what went off-key in your life and what did his presence actually do to paralysis your unconscious wounds?
Of course, it takes more than just an online forum like this to understand you as a person, because what works for me might not be as effective for yourself. Therefore, only by understanding one’s root where the rot began to fester, would one be more competent to combat current and future 'infections'.
Still, to answer your question: I will eliminate contact forever. No exception whatsoever. Period. Rational being: if you can't handle it, then avoid putting yourself into such predicament. Then I will nurse myself with massive introspections and reviews about this scenario and figure out what do I learn about myself from this ordeal.
Cheers
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