Aunt Agony II 271005

Originally posted by Depressed...*sigh*:
Dear people,

I badly need advice as this problem has been haunting me in my head ever since.

Ok, there was this guy a year ago, he had a crush on me and I too, began developing some feelings for him.

The feelings grew and eventually, we really like each other. I am always absenting classes/late for school, but he doesn't seem to mind, well, that's what I think. He should know that too.

So the trouble begins..

There's this girl (she's my enemy, she doesn't like me, I doesn't like her) , she purposely sat close to him in class and tried to get friendly with him (funny how she isn't THAT close to him last time) I was jealous indeed and wasted a whole year staring daggers behind their backs.

The guy, of course, didn't get fresh with her. During this time, I was really hoping he knew that that girl was just trying to 'snatch' my boy from me. Oh btw, we didn't talk to each other, we just communicate with our body languages. But we understood each other perfectly.

Our classmates didn't like me and him to be together. Also, that girl and her friends has always been picking on me since sec sch days. I am a loner and of course, I suffered silently and painfully.

And now, she wants to take away my only happiness. I was really dejected and neglected my studies at the end.

Anyway, the guy didn't end up me..but, they are close together the last I saw them.

It's been a year, but I still feel very angry, upset and mostly, betrayed at how and why the guy did this to me. He should know that the girl was just trying to ruin me..sobs.

Please don't give me words like 'learn to let go'. I can't, really. Like I've said, it's been a year :/. I'm not so sure but I feel really lost and confuse that such a relationship can be ruined so easily..can anyone intepret what's going wrong here?

Btw, I gave him a note to call me if he still have feelings for me and so on. But he didn't reply :cry: Pls also note that his friends knows that he likes me but I don't understand why he can be so fickle to let go that easily. And why does he have to be so close to my enemy? :cry: I don't know whether he and my enemy are steads now. :cry: I can't believe God gave my happiness away to my enemy


You are assuming that YOUR guy, whom you have a crush on, will read you like a book? This is NOT EVEN the case for actual couple, for it often leads to miscommunication... so what makes you think that he can mind-read you? Whether he has feelings for you or not, this is still questionable. Remember that emotions can be fleeting; your intense liking for him doesn't mean he share the same intensity for you.

You are dwelling in this bottomless pit of self pity because of your constant refusal to get yourself out of your plight permanently. You tried to change what you don't feel good about yourself, but you are so conscious about how people view you. People may have look at you with an appraising eye, but does it matter? Are you allowing them the chance to judge you and with you accepting this judgment from them?

Who are these people to you? Do you ever realise that nobody have the power to harm you psychological and emotionally UNLESS you allow them to?

God didn't take anything away from you - God is teaching you some important lessons in your life that will LAST you until you breathe your last on Earth.

What happened in the past and everything else will work to bring you to the lowest state in life. Your self worth is tarnished and everything becomes bleak. The reason is because you let them degenerate yourself. So what if this guy is your crush? It doesn't mean that he has the power or position to destroy your self esteem... MOREOVER, he isn't your boyfriend. All this 'sacrifice' or torment is for a lost cause.

Are you going to continue this way? By allowing others, who are supposed to be the bunch of people that makes no meaning in your life... to govern your future? Look... these are the people whom want you to fail... don't want you to improve yourself... don't want you to succeed in any ways: why are you subconsciously listening to their hidden message they already intended to spread to you?

You are accepting what others have falsely claim of you, your ability, your strength... and most important of all: your potential. And your adversary will rejoice at your foolishness because you are an easy target: your mind is easy to conquer.

You don't need the eloquence to scold people or a huge temper for deterrence - you only need a good mindset to bring yourself out of this hell hole. You need an intense emotional drive to improve yourself - try making your man regret for his decision. You got to excel beyond his every imagination and got to picture in your head, one day, when he comes chasing you... You will look at him and tell him this:

'Probably one-two years back, I may have readily agreed... but now... I don't need you anymore.'

Remember, you don't have to bow your head and walk through life - it is a choice made.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 271005

Originally posted by StarPuppy:
Well...very often we have 2 people accidently bumping against each other, resluting a mess(maybe one of them sprain their legs etc) and they help one and another and they get to know each other better...guy ask gal for number..gal gives number...yada yada and they fall in love with each other after countless dates .etc
-This would be Fate

While created by man....
Would be the matchmaking services..where people are brought together by dating services created by man

My point is....Do you think that love by a couple is created by Fate or by Man? and give reasons on why you think so

P.S: Sorry if i dun sound too clear...i didn't had enough sleep last nite..

~+Cheers+~
StarPuppy


As again, this question bends towards spiritual aspect of Love: The moment when you start to question Love why and not direct this question towards a person - it becomes spiritual in nature.

We all begin life with vast inadequacy in Love because life is about learning Love in our own ways. If Love is a subject, all of us would have strength and weakness in different topic within the subject. The people whom we are bound to meet this lifetime presented lessons to 'tutor' us in Love aspects where we are weak in.

In face of Love, we all become emotionally naked. There is neither screen nor mask we often wear to the world. The lessons that Love brings would 'feel' hurtful because the shield we wield against strangers has vanished. We become vulnerable... like a child.

The naive often find themselves cheated.

The passive often find regrets.

The flirt often missed the good person.

And the list goes on.

The appearance of this particular person... our current cosmic lesson... is what people deemed as fate. But fate (being appearance of a particular person) has a double edge thingy to it: some relationships are karmic by nature. Karmic relationship are challenging relationship place to test our knowledge of Love and how we handle them. Chances are, karmic relationship will try to degenerate us. Don't ask me why some people always have karmic relationship - I can only tell you these certain group of people are likely to have abuse, misuse or have been cruel in Love in previous incarnation.

This is a constant.

Worsen by (this lifetime) personality, character traits and decision made.

These are variables.

And if enlightenment is gain (sometimes is merely time factor) - what that has previously served to degenerate us will build us instead. You know when you play those role playing games and when you encounter difficult monsters - these creatures somewhat have higher experience points. If we gain enough experience points, we level up... and become stronger than before.

Freewill is almighty in Love because the decision we made is actually freewill - it is within your span of control. You may not decide who you are going to meet this lifetime, but certainly, you have the choice if you want accept them into your learning cycle.

A man may have decided to try for the matchmaking services - but does he has control over the people whom he will meet? Not exactly. But, as again, he has a choice over the people whom he deemed as potentials to see if a relationship is possible between them.

A closed heart - even with all 'best fate', 'best people'... will fail if the freewill decision is to say no.

Which is more powerful?

You decide.

Cheers

Aunt Agony III 261005

Originally posted by changb57:
since the divorce rate is higher and nowaday marriage is so fragile,....then why married????

i fail once and i see that people change....what is the point of marriage then???? women are as bad as men....nowaday women also have affairs...what a world??? 8O



Why are you all getting so cynical about marriage JUST BECAUSE there is this current trend of increasing divorce?

Statistic means nothing if you work to be the exception.

A failed marriage doesn't mean you are a failure in Love - it simply means that there is something you failed to learn and got owned by the reality of marriage.

Will there come a time when Love becomes a subject and people have to take classes to understand them because self discovery and enlightenment becomes a myth?

I am telling you that the percentage of non-lasting BGR is even worst - then are you going to tell me that you will avoid Love forever?

I said this before: Most people get married because of circumstances, when in fact, it should be the fruition of your Love.

What is the meaning of Fruition?

I) Realization of something desired or worked for; accomplishment: labor finally coming to fruition.
II) Enjoyment derived from use or possession.
III) The condition of bearing fruit.

Lemme post some common scenario:

If you discover that your partner is someone not particularly suitable... will you break with him/her because of incompatibility? Chances are, you may - but problem comes in when this relationship is already 6 years and there isn't any major problem at all. It is generally harmonious and mutual family already acknowledge your presence and anticipating for a wedding.

There are pressures involved (parental, biological, etc). Then you go with the flow... of accepting the marriage and pushing these REAL issue into avoidance.

Is that fruition of Love? Or is it circumstances?

***

You have a relationship of five years, generally harmonious and have a healthy sex life. One fine day, the woman is pregnant. You are financially well-to-do and money isn't an issue to you. Chances are, you will get married.

Without getting into the morality of abortion and such: a shotgun marriage... is that fruition of Love? Or is it circumstances?

***

*Refer to Aunt Agony 261005*

If the topic starter were to accept the proposal... a marriage due to emotional insecurity.... is that fruition of Love? Or is it circumstances?

***

You don't have meaning in marriage... you MAKE meaning in YOUR marriage.

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 261005

Originally posted by Wolfwoof^^:
Hi..i manage to cut into their 4yrs rs. She break up wif her x to be wif me. At 1st it was like honeymoon for us..those sweet sweet feelings for each other but i realise she havent forget about her x.. &..he keeps on pestering her. Her family also object to our rs. Somethings bcos of all tat pressure she face from her family, moodswings tends to get in.

When i saw her in such an angony..i tried to give her up. She just don't wana let me go.. Im honest & truthful to her & yet she said she got no confidence in me. Damn it realli piss me off..Im beginning to drift away from this rs but i still luv her.. IF ANYONE HERE HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS PLS ADVISE ME WHAT TO DO.. :(

I luv her..& i wana b wif her.. i even wana marry her but WTF i feel im drifting away.. I really don't knw what to do.. :cry:


What do you expect? A red carpet rolled over the ground to welcome your humble presence into her life? You may have conquered the fortress, but the land where all the peasants lived will resist against your rule. You think life is going to be easy after you have gotten her successfully? Especially when this four years relationship has sunk quite deep roots.

This is just the beginning of a certain nightmare. Probably only endurance can get you through; but it seemed that you are also lacking in this aspect.

If you want to get involved with a girl who is currently attached - to cut without letting her clear her mess... you end up being the one clearing the pile of sh!t. So you just got to decide if this is worthwhile for a relationship to continue with the mess. Well, you can pursue this Love with her trying to regain stability - but you will end up suffering because the emotional burden will fall on you.

You made your choice. How far would you hold on your choice? This could be a game of endurance. Do you have what it takes to play this game?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 261005

Originally posted by zichuan:
how do i encourage my gf that rushing me us to married is too fast pace for me? im 21 she is 22. im still young and intend to get married at 30, she threaten that she doesnt want to wait for me, our r/s has been about 5years now. i got no much feelings for her now. why is this happening? its like our feelings is so bitter now like best friends only. im still studying ite and intend to go into poly, but she rejects the idea that i go out to work and support for and save up for marriage. but im so young i still got the blood to enjoy my life first then settle down. now is like my plans is on hold because of her? when i tell her about my plans for us in the future she rejects the idea and said i had changed. i sometimes asked myself whether she is the true girl for me? will i married a woman in later part of my life i regret?


NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER... NEVER get married because of emotional insecurity like what you gf is suffering from. There may be a problem somewhere that triggers her insecurity, but getting married is NOT a solution.

And NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER.... NEVER... get married if you are not emotionally prepared. Not financially prepare is still secondary... not emotionally prepared is the doom bringer.

How you tell her? Communicate about your current inadequacy and that your reason for a latter marriage because is NOT because you don't love her anymore... more like you would want to ensure that she has a better life after marriage and not something hasty and screw up your greater plans. Communicate further to discover the source why she pushing for you for a marriage. There must be something that is edging her. :idea:

Cheers

Aunt Agony 251005

Originally posted by SoonKeong:
I had been attached for 2 years already, but overtime i realise my partner is really someone who dun suits me.

- She suddenly become very complacent and rarely call me up, and expecting me to be the one who always initiates things.
- She now always find lotsa excuses of her mistake and rarely own up, if not, dun even care about the whole matter.
- She used to push the extra effort to cheer me up, but now it has never been the case.

I think its not embarrassing to say in a commited relationship, sexual involvement is quite important. It pulls them together more closely, and infact alot of infidelity i heard about are because one partner doesnt give enough, or dun give for long period of time. My gf is one type who unfortnately dislike sex, although she do it with me, she never ask for it and sometimes we got into arguement because i feel that we are having less and less. Of course i do admit i desire sex, but i only do it with my gal. If even now the desire of her is not even there, how are we gonna survive when we get married?

I know now is her final year, she is really busy with her studies, but until like we meet 2 days per week? Sometimes i'm really lonely and need her, she is not around for me. She complains i not understanding enuff, but have she put into my shoe to think about it?

I'm really feel very very tired, i feel that its reaching a point where we wouldnt find happiness in this relationship, and topics are getting less and less. But we stay together because we are used to each other's company. I dunnoe what should i do now, sometimes meeting her seems like seeing a doctor, need to make appointment, if not dun even have time for me.

Last week, i sense that we are falling apart, so i ask her this: "If you can chose to beautify ur face or to chose me, which will you chose?". Ok, this question may seems stupid, but to me its a choice of priority as she also asked me before "will u chose between ur game and me?", and yes although i love my games, i still chose her. When asked that question, she keep saying how can compare, if compare must compare between people and people, pushing in many excuse which she loves to give. But hell, there's no third party wad! Only until she sense i'm getting angry, then she faintly reply me "you la..." I'm really sad at tt moment, its like the once main priority for me is not there anymore.

And from that day, we have silence war for 3 days until i give in and buy dinner for her. When i reach her hostel, she also dun have much topics to say with me. Ok, i'm quite the jealous type, and so nice of her super friendly friend called her. Usually after put down the phone, she used to tell mi who call and what was it about, but now, nothing. Not even the name of the super nice guy who called. When i was about to leave after realising there's nothing to talk about, she onli keep asking "nothing to say liao ar? nothing liao meh?". Huh? WTF? must i be the one always give in and hey i travel all the way to ur hostel buy dinner for u leh! Not even a thanks!

I really sense an end is near, what can i do?


In marriage wise, the root of the problem is probably closely related to sexual intimacy. Your perception of sex is what I call Series Monogamy - you will do it as long as she is your Love. So if you have three girlfriends in total, you are sexually faithful to each of them WHEN you in a relationship with them. It is also good to know that your act of Love comprises of emotional value - but you have to understand that our individual mental and emotional structure is different.

A woman doesn't need sex the way a man needs, vice vista. This is heavily modified by current circumstances. For example, stress affects one's sexual drive. In marriage sense, sex plays an important part, but as for BGR... it depends on your individual perception of sex in role of a relationship before marriage. Some people feel sex is sacrosanct before marriage - so to them, your view of sex as a form of love expression is invalid. Your girlfriend may already do it with you, but it doesn't mean she sees sex the way you see them. True, sometimes when, emotionally, she cannot connect with you, she cannot see herself doing it with you and thus it could be evidence of her fleeting Love, but unless she physically stays with you - in BGR sense, it is dangerous to see it this way.

Chances are: sex to her is like an activity... between couple - just like you playing computer games. You may like gaming and spent great deal of time playing them, but there are also times when you don't play it and even comes to a time when you get 'bored' of the activity and stop playing for a while. Does that mean you don't like playing computer games anymore? Not exactly.

However, your waning relationship may corroborate all these signs of disinterest she has for the relationship.

Have you communicated all these issues to her? Does she know that you are troubled over her behaviour (talk about the other thingy other than the sex part first)? In introspection, how do you see your relationship? To give it up because of incompatibility or to see if it is viable to patch the damage? What about her? Does she even think that there is a problem in her relationship? After you have a heart-to-heart talk with her, is she going to do anything? Or rather... does she want to do anything about it?

P.S: Here are some questions for you to consider. A talk is essential.

Cheers

Dream Agony 241005

Originally posted by Scape_Goat_Token:
lol, not that i need any advice, just want to ask opinions on how dreams can be so real n painful. i just woke up, from a dream. a dream that i wouldn't call a nightmare, but it was painful and weird in it's own way...

okie i will elaborate more on what i can rmb. mysteriously, i could not remember some key parts because when i recall the "story" doesn't seem to fit together. i feel like im teleported from places to places, scene to scene.

ok the first thing i rmb was i was in the car wif my dad. den halfway (if im not wrong, its the road of SG), he ask mi whether i wanted to know how to drive. so weirdly, i said yes. so in my dream (somehow), he managed to get the wheel to my side. i only controlled the wheel i think, den the pedal all these was still at his side. okie, this is a dream, it's not real. i mean, it's not possible in a car in reality. but lemme continue.

i remember the process of it quite well. my dad did not realli teach me anything. but more of, i remember times where i almost crashed into other cars, objects etc..i was feelign REALLI scared.

that wasn't the main point. somehow i was warped into another scene. this time i was in the same car with a girl. im not sure if im grown up. but i think i have not learnt how to drive yet in the car. so somehow we took turns to drive. i dun even remember what was the girls name. but i just rmb we had fun talking and feeling scared when the car was about to crash. the previous scene i was with my father on a road with im familair with, if im not wrong, it was the junction at bukit timah plaza. around there. but this time, im not sure if i rmb wrongly, but i rmb seeing farms...crops...and not much buildings around. then it started to rain..

im not sure about the rain, but i rmb things became gloomy from my perspective as the dream continue

okie then here comes the part of the dream which i could not remember.

i remember it was still raining, den i seperated from that girl and this time i was on a bicycle. in some condo lobby or something. i rmbed that i was searching for the girl or something. actualli i don't know, because this precious part of my dream was ripped off from my memory when i woke up. i felt cheated. then i remember i was cycling cyling. up and down stairs. (wah i became pro in my dream i din even noe). den i fell down due to the slippery rain but did not feel any pain (it's a dream mah..). i rmb clearly the watery steps, being flooded. and i lay there, with my bruises. and i desperately took out my handphone. even in my dream my hp is the same as in real life, dats strange. coz i rmb my hp being damaged and the bottom part became abit dislocated. cant describe here.

then i "woke up" again. this time i was in my house. yes, my actual house. den my first reaction was to find my hp and call that girl. somehow i had her number. i called, then i was frantically trying to rmb her name when the person asked me who i was looking for. i tried very hard to rmb (but the actual fact is, i din even know in the first place). so i asked something like, " does this household haf a daughter " or something like that....

den i rmb my aunt telling me, " i think there was someone who keep calling you while you were asleep the past 2 yrs ".....i wasn't shocked. den suddenly the fone rung in my dream and all of a sudden, the dream ended and i woke up.

i woke up, in tears. i dun know why. i felt like ive been part of a drama. but the sad fact is i don't remember how i seperated with the girl. i don't even know what happened. right now im itching to know what happened..., and worst still, despite not remembering her face, her name and everything. right now, i the person i miss the most is the person i don't even know.....and i cant believe it's someone from my dream. im 100% sure it's not someone i know in real life, it's a person introduced in my dream.

i don't even know why im typing this. it's still early and i just woke up. i felt so sorrowful that i had to type this out. does continuation of dreams exist? if so i wud like to go bac into this dream again tonight. but any1 experienced that b4? sry if this topic was kinda lame


Dreams are divided into three possibilities:

I) Predictive

II) Ri you suo si, ye you suo mong (Your dream is actually a weird story plot made from what you saw, thoughts that came and feelings that flow that day)

III) Your subconscious mind is trying to tell your conscious mind something.

***

If it belongs to (III) and have anything to do with Love:

You may not have any relationship before or if have, probably one bad past experience that causes you to (1) learn lots, (2) left bitter/regretful memories?

The scene with your dad speaks about a certain past you have went through or experience. Your dad represented the past. The car represented a relationship (may not be BGR, may be a crush, friendship, whatever). Driving represented a certain time frame during that relationship/phrase. The fear while driving represented a bad experience that time. It was an hidden fear, not projected out, but likely to be felt inside.

The scene with the unknown girl represented a love interest that you are likely not in a relationship with her or she belong to the category of regrets. The crash represented some kind of catalysis or climax that took place and changes the relationship/situation between you and her. Chances are, it is something that had happened to you in the past OR it is due to a kind of personality/inexperience nature in you that existed all along - something that you know you are lacking in.

You see torrent of rain in your dreams. It represented emotions. Your attempt to find her and cycling the stairs represented a certain challenge/difficult faced. Apparantly, the difficulty overwhelmed you and you seemed helpless. (Represented by a spoilt mobile). You felt no pain physically because this wound is likely to be emotional in nature. Emotional wounds have no marking and would not claim your life, but because you are lying on the ground, you know that you are injured somehow and needed some form of rescue.

When you have woken up, your phone represented Enlightenment. You have the girl's number because she is part of your enlightenment. Your inability to recall the girl's name represented Uncertainty. The woman that picked your call represented your current situation and Uncertainty hinders your way to the future. When your aunt told you that someone has been calling you… it is knowledge of something new, something that you never knew... but now you do. That's why when the phone ring, your dream stopped - having all this new found information, what are you going to do?

If I hit the nail, I think this may resemble closely to what had happened in reality.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 241005

Originally posted by LiEr:
Here’s a pretty lengthy story…

I got to know 2 guys (A and B, these 2 guys are frens too) from one of my girl pals. I wasn’t very close to them initially, but despite that, I had a slight ‘crush’ on B as he was a pretty quiet guy who seemed to be always deep in thoughts. My fren in turn was close to A and had some sorta ‘fling’ going on.

However, due to a misunderstanding, they ceased contact. As I wanted to help them get back together, I started talking to A to find out what actually happened. After sometime, A confessed that he had fallen for me. I was like ‘How the hell can you forget a girl so fast and fall for another girl within such a short time?’ Despite that, I chose not to stay a distance from him as I really treasured this fren and wanted to help him. He always seemed to have problems (family, friends, school). I told him that all of them actually cared about him a lot, cos he complained that nobody cares about him. It just whether he allowed ppl to care about him. If he refused to let anyone care about him, how can he say that ppl do not care about him?

There was a point in time I realized that I had a ‘crush’ on A. He could be very sweet sometimes and provided a listening ear to me too. I sorta ‘flirted’ with him, but as I thought rationally, I realized that I could be misleading him and thus I stopped. I didn’t want to get into a relationship as I had personal problems too. A knew about it, but still wanted to treat me as his ‘gf’. Then I realized that his whole family knew about my existence. I was very pressured and questioned him on why he had to mislead everyone into thinking that I was his gf. In addition, he also began to say ‘disgusting’ things, like asking me to sleepover at his house (for a few times already). Each time he said that, I gave him a piece of my mind and resisted violently as I thought he was insulting me.

As I began to know him further, I realized that he might not be the one for me after all. I could foresee all the problems ahead of us (Eg. My fren might get the wrong idea that I snatched her guy away, and both A and me just had conflicting personalities). A was very very very very very stubborn and just could not understand. All he wanted was for me to be his ‘special’ fren, where we can hold hands…etc. I was really disgusted and felt like he was treating me like some cheap woman. I kept explaining to him that if he still wanted to treat me as a fren, he ought to stop all these nonsense. He still could not get it and went on with his nonsense. Eventually I told him that Im gonna stay a distance away from him as I did not want him to carry on like this. He agreed initially, but would continue to msg me all over again after few days of MIA. This carried on for a few weeks and I was totally sick and tired of it till I used vulgarities on him. Each time I stopped contacting me, he would still continue to msg me out of the blue.

During this period, I hung out with my fren, B and a guy fren of ours regularly. It seemed like double dating, although we are not couples. After sometime, my fren went steady with our guy fren. B and I also got to know each other better and I really enjoyed his company. He was an amusing guy but yet seemed matured and understanding. I realized that I was falling for him and I knew it was not just a crush. However, I still maintained my position and bear in mind that I was not gonna get into a relationship.

As time went by, B and I realized that we have fallen for each other. However, our problems remained. If we continued to bring our friendship to a higher level, B would seem to have ‘betrayed’ his fren A as he knew that A liked me. As for me, A was still bugging me (I used the word ‘bugging’ cos he kept on smsing the same old stuff and despite many explanation, he still could not understand).

A found out that B and I have been contacting and said that B was interested in me. The word seemed to have gotten out and their whole group of friends and A’s family knew about it. B wanted to talk to A to clear things out, but B refused to give him a chance to do so. Until recently, A finally agreed to talk to B. But the talk didn’t help much, as A kept asking B to continue to woo me and said that all these don’t matter to him. When asked, A said that he had already given up and would forget about all these problems. He also told B that he knew 5 new girls recently, which I think he was trying to show B that he had forgotten about me.

At the same time, A also sms me that he heard from his frens that I am interested in B and has been wooing him. WTF lor… what rubbish. I might be interested in B, but im not DESPERATE for guys. I wonder what else they have been gossiping about.

A’s elder brother heard about these problems from another mutual fren, and before even bothering to find out the actual whole story, he immediately labeled me as a b*tch. He asked me to stay away from A. I mean, he didn’t even find out who was the one who was bugging and refused to give up. I didn’t even contact A (as I’ve mentioned earlier), how can A’s elder brother assume that I was the one bugging A? A’s elder bro did a lot of name-calling and insulted me, and I really had mixed feelings about it. Do I really deserve all these?

My questions are:

1) Was I wrong to have misled A at the beginning?
2) What would happen if B and I were to develop our current friendship into a relationship?
3) What should I do now?? Should I ask A out for a talk? Or should I clarify things with A’s elder brother? But if I really were to ask A out for a talk, im worried that it might be fruitless, cos A is too stubborn

sad........... :( :( :( :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :(



I don't understand why you must implicate issues that are completely out of the boundary... the boundary that marks your Love affair. Although it can be quite hurting for people to insult, you knew very well that his brother is firstly not only an outsider in whatsoever 'affair' you deemed this as, but also knew nuts regarding anything at all. Do you even have to take this insult personally and affect you emotionally? I don't think it's necessary.

You rejected A - this is an action made and reinforced. Anything that revolves around him... seriously, why do you EVEN have to CONSIDER at all? If nothing goes into his thick skull, remember you don't have to make him understand. It is not your duty to.

This potential relationship with B - it depends on how you wish to manoeuvre your direction. And this decision is made based on your OWN feelings and thoughts... and NOT includes those thingy about A. If Love overwhelms future obstacles which you have forecasted (Going overseas and study), a relationship is possible.

P.S: When we were young, our parents bought us toys. We all know that toys are something that would be dumped, donated or given away when we are much older. Despite knowing this fact, toys were STILL bought.

A relationship doesn't always have to consider its length to be meaningful.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 221005

Originally posted by transaihien:
Do you believe in fate? I wonder if there is fate in marriage?
Some people are just so lucky in relationship, and others are just keep searching? Some are just so happy smiling and others are just crying in silence...

Do you know how we can nurture relationship to keep passion for each other?


Everyone is constantly searching for companion and even if you are in a satisfied relationship and you long ceased the search... people search for you instead. Sourcing and temptation is part and parcel of having (not having) a relationship.

This is a constant.

Your question seemed to bend towards spiritual aspect of Love, where you question about fate.

I sincerely believe that no one is destined to be alone. The word 'DESTINED' is a word not found in Western Astrology because we believe in freewill. Hence I often substitute the word 'DESTINED' to 'Tendency'. It was also commonly mention that if you manage to change your fate - you are DESTINED to change it. So it is possible to change your destiny and this word 'DESTINED' is actually a negative attitude to perceive situation, for one often adopt a passive and nonchalant way of handling things.

In all my studies and humble opinion, chances are, you have yet to grasp the full understanding of why you have landed in such plight. Please note that we all have the POWER to change any aspects in our life. This is so fringing` true - the human mind, heart and soul TOGETHER can achieve things beyond your imagination. Trouble is, most people don't know that they have the innate power to perform all that. It was believed that 'only' certain people could have it. To make things worst, we often do not know WHY it is like that and HOW to go about doing it. Other people may have NO problem with it because they discover a way/method that works for them and they understand certain logics faster than you do.

But they are human like yourself. They are not deity and do not possess supernatural powers. What they know... you have the ability to know as well.

In simple: (1) There is something that they understand and you have yet to... (2) something good that they possess and you have yet to... or (3) something negative that you have acquired unknowingly and it wasn't found on them.

I cite you one good example: When I talk to people and probably share one Love theory from CloUdiSm, say, 'Love and Relationship is but two separate entity. You can love someone, but it doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him/her.'

Logically speaking, everyone understands this. But when you do a little application here, there will be this distinct group of people who don't understand, even logically speaking they understood (You have to think deeper... slightly chim here, but I hope you get the drift). For example, you talk to this guy who showed all the signs and symptoms of a possessive man. He is likely to be AWARE that possessiveness is a negative trait, but when circumstances trigger the natural possessive nature in him, nothing make sense to him.

This man tightened his claws because he felt that he is losing the relationship. He never stop. In fact, he tightened his grip even further as there are strong evidence that his woman is fleeing from him. His grasp gets stronger and stronger.... until the relationship snap forcefully. You can tell him ALL day that his possessiveness is killing the relationship and he retorts by saying 'So what you mean? She is running away from him and you expect me to release her by letting her do what she wants and watch her leave me?'

At the end of the day, the man still loses his woman and STILL doesn't understand anything. So I ask you people: who is at fault? Fate or personality? Freewill or destined? You think this is an impossible scenario? In fact, such cases are pretty common enough.

When we talk about marriage - how many people getting married can safely say that this marriage is the fruition of their Love? Settling down in a marriage completely born out of freewill, maturity and absolute clarity of what they want? In Singapore, almost (30%), for every three marriages, one would end up in divorce. Which goes to show that close to a third of these marriages, which adds up to more than 6000 marriages, probably doesn't know why the word 'marriage' in the first place and what Love actually means to the 12,000 odd individuals.

The truth is, most people married to circumstances, not exactly fruition of their Love, which is supposedly the ONLY reason why a marriage should ever happen.

Even our biological clock shouldn't be the FIRST pull factor into a marriage for real Love is spiritual - it transcend beyond emotional and physical realm. It's isn't surprising to hear stories of couple hastily getting into a marriage because they are not that 'young' anymore and only to see them getting divorce some years down the road because of incompatibility.

***

There are reasons why some people don't get it and why others seemed to have no problems in Love. The reason is yourself. Your chips to success in Love depends on how well you can absorb from your setbacks and to improve your future until you come to a stage where you blend reality with personal ideology principles. How well you handle your relationship and to keep the passion alive depends largely on how well you understand about your relationship, yourself, your Love and what is workable for you.
Fate in Love?

The reason is still yourself.

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 211005

Originally posted by Lady of lourdes:
what is the min. qualification u are looking 4 or u dont mind marrying a girl lower educated than u?

Originally posted by M©+square:
Aiyah. it's between two person.
I they could find ways to handle the relationship till marriage. Bless them! It's hard to find such relationships at constant.

My friend's wife paid for his dip sch fees for the whole of three years :lol:

Very difficult. I believe if both still wants to try and willing to try, It is possible.
Yunnie have a good essay on this topic.

Cheers


Isn't? When did I write it? *ponders*

***

Anyway, at the end of the day, it all boils down to compatibility... on whether you are able to accept this particular person or not. You see, none of you are wrong - but it is how you perceive issues that are relevant to yourself because you deemed it as paramount in your potential list. You understand yourself best and know what is good for you when it comes to serious relationship... the criteria you are looking for. Education is also a criteria by itself. Some people feel it doesn't matter. Some people think it does. Others may feel that it is a factor that indirectly involve OTHER factors - like what MCsquare had mentioned: the depth of communication.

In CloUdiSm, there are four types of compatibility: Lifestyle, Emotional, Communication and Material. Depending on each individual, each of this category may deem MORE critical than the other. But nevertheless, in an ordinary relationship, the first level we always seek is Similar Compatibility. We are often comfortable to people that are similar to us and that belongs to the first level of compatibility. Like he/she plays the same sport/interest... love opera... communicate on same frequency, etc.

However, Similar Compatibility usually cannot ensure lasting, fulfilling effect promise by Love. That is but the inaugural step in attraction, for excessive similarity breeds a monotonous relationship. More often than not, people begin to discover the real glue that sticks a relationship and gives it some meaning and fulfilment... is what we term as Complementary Compatibility. It is the personality that complements each other. (E.g. A man, who may be successful in his career, may learn that a domestic type of woman fits him better than say a career woman, because it complements that area where he is lacking. In Western Astrology, the cusp of Career and Home is directly opposite each other. We called it MC and IC, respectively). The law of polarity is at work here, where people fill in our weakness and we fill others with our strength. This process of intertwining is a very powerful force in Love.

***

Lower educated or not? If Cupid strikes you with an arrow of Love... even if he/she is completely out of your league, you will fall in Love. Likewise, if the arrow narrowly missed you, no matter how 'good' he/she is or may be to others, you will feel it's impossible. No armour is formidable to ward off Love's arrow - even Zeus isn't spare, as written in mythology.

Always expect the unexpected. The mind can never fully decipher the profound language of Love.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 211005

Originally posted by ahkico:
Pls help!

No no.. Is certainly not MI!!! If my guy see tis.. I'll get it from him liao.. ;)

I've tis gd friend.. Her bf is.. Well.. Ok ok lah.. Doesn treat her too well.. @ 1st he has some other gals behind her back.. Kinda flirtin ard.. But then stop le..

Jus came out from N.S.. Started workin.. Since then.. He'll always have no time.. Whole dae not even a msg from him.. Can last for few daes..

They also funny de.. Can break patch break patch..

My tis friend.. She got to noe tis guy.. Whom to her.. Is absolutely wonderful! 2 her..

But he's married!!! :twisted:

They noe each other for erm.. mayb 3 mths bah..
They sorta went on dates? It first started when they meet for lunch tog.. and they kissed.. and then.. gd nite darlin..

i keep remindin her.. HE IS MARRIED WITH A KID!!! she noes.. say doesn expect anythin.. but he is so unlik her bf.. so caring, gentle. nice... etc..

I already goin lose my top liao!!

I told her everythin i could think off.. Wat retribution, u wouldn wan ur guy nx time to treat u tis way.. Tat now he's sweet.. but His wife surely will find out.. then quarell.. and then he'll tak it out on u..

The longer u got tog, the more u will expect.. then u can't date openly.. got to hide hide.. end up hurt is u.. stand to lose also the gal onli..

he isn a gd guy.. if can have affair behind his wife.. he isn a faithful guy.. etc..

i mangage to persuade her to last msg le.. she says ok ok..

but.. i asked her again.. she say meetin him for breakfast tomorrow..

haiz.. i reali dun feel lik botherin anymore.. told her reali shld last le.. then at most msg onli then stop.. but.. i don think it will end..

it isn my rite to stop her from doin wat she wants.. she says let her enjoy the care for a few more daes.. i'm fraid she will end up hurt.. and the guilt.. if it goes on.. OMG..

Any advice?

Any thing i can do to stop her?

:


It is a mutual exchange of emotional needs, based on fourth Law of Love - CloUdiSm. (We attract qualities that we exude). Allow me to refer to 1bigmess case on my reply in 041005

Allow me to quote one section which I had written:

[quote]Originally posted by yunhaier:
...I have seen so many cases, where a person who cannot commit often find himself/herself being in situation where he/she will attract partners that is unavailable themselves. We attract qualities that we exude (This being Fourth Law of Love - CloUdiSm) Because you cannot commit due to your then-marriage when you scandal first begin two years back, you are such a perfect candidate for a relationship with him because he is seeking for people who cannot commit and at the time, you are simply just that. Look at him! He is also involved with another girl, who is unavailable (being attached)... and therefore I am not even surprised when you relate that part of the story....[/quote]

***

In similar case, all thoughtful words from you will likely to have no effect on her. There is an emotional NEED... somewhat like when you are hungry, you will simply just eat the expired bread because you are hungry. Hunger is a NEED - until your health suffered and probably get food poisoning or diarrhea, you wouldn't bother. Reason being: it still tasted fine.

So what your friend is attached? His boyfriend isn't giving her what she needs emotionally and if that man could fill in the gap, she will probably think - why not? This is an important element why people choose to accept potential misery even knowing that they are playing with fire. They always thought that they have the power to control the flames, end up, realising it became a huge conflagration that got out of hand.

***

Something to share:

I kinda 'allowed' my best friend to mingle with this married man (with kid), who is her current bf. His marriage was long gone and my best friend's appearance is like the catalysis. At first, it was a flirty play thing, but obviously, I know better and advised against it. But when you realise, warning means nothing to people with deep emotional emptiness... I did what I always do - to let karma teach her.

'... Do what you will... I can only try to catch you when you fall...'

We all must walk the route our destiny has in store for us. This is the path to enlightenment - if people has to go through certain karmic debts, so be it. I am not God, I cannot change what God has for her. I can only offer my views on issues and then my shoulder if things goes wrong and she comes back crying. And if she found what she seek, I will be happy for her. (She is currently very happy in that relationship for she just had a jerk guy in a five years BGR)

P.S: CloUdiSm Law of Alpha Omega overrides everything single law in CloUdiSm. (If all else fail, follow your heart).

Cheers

Aunt Agony 191005

Originally posted by kitty__:
I’m a 15 yr old girl. my boyfriend is 17, taking his O levels soon.
although we are young.. we are pretty serious bout this relationship.. we made promises to each other and have been together for a yr...
beginning.. everything's so sweet.. he calls and smses me often. treats me like a precious gem.
after 6 mths or so... he begin to have gan meimeis (godsisters) in his school. as we are not in the same school, his gan meis see him more than i do. they are quite close.. always smsing and go out together i suppose. whenever i see msgs n pictures of his gan meis. i feel very insecure.. i admit i get jealous very easily.. i just cant control myself. the problem is i keep it to myself.. i dont show my jealousy. i end up crying at night when i see msgs like.. "tickle u" ..... or whenever he doesnt call or sms me for 1,2 days. he seems to be very concerned about them.. asking them about exam results.. telling ppl not to bully them. so on and so forth. when i ask him why didnt he contact me. he gave excuses like sms use finish? but why is he smsing so much with them? im his gf... cant he just reduce his smses with them ? he didnt celebrate my birthday with me or give me any birthday present.
recently, i told him how i feel..
he seems to be taking it like a small matter. he assures me every now and then.. but after a while, the same thing happens..
is it because he feels that our r/s is still as sweet as before? tts why he doesnt take it seriously?
am i over reacting?
my friends say this is normal.. is it?

We all once own a kind of puppy Love and we all know that it wouldn't last eventually as our early love evince evidence of failing. Despite that, are we truly going to seal a relationship just because we know for certain that it wouldn't last? Which is more important? The ongoing process of understanding WHAT a relationship is all about or to keep pondering about long term relationship that must hint marriage? Logically speaking, it is the latter... but at her tender age??

***

You are just walking along Love's inaugural journey - the stage where we are taught our expression of feelings and emotions, reacting to that of a once-stranger... once-mere-friend. Your jealousy is a reflection of your fledgling emotions losing control due to incoming circumstances. You are unable to grasp hold of this new found emotion and it ran wild like chicken in a field. Some people never found the key to keep it stable - always experiencing petty jealousy in love, both big and small.

Your boyfriend, likewise, is on the road in experimenting Love. Everything seemed like a small matter to him because it doesn't seem a big deal at all because we are talking about puppy love - which trait is such that as long as I love you and you love me, everything else doesn't actually matters... god sis or not.

If learning to you is about passing your exam and the way is to study and memorised dead formula, you will do that because you want your paper at the end of the day. However, you will not acquire the essence of learning in that way, which will benefit you until you draw your last breath. This is the same as Love: man who doesn't demonstrate affection or romance by personality, will probably only 'perform' them in the beginning of the relationship or during chase as a selling factor. One of the reason why this loving...sweetie romance don't last is because it is not within your man's character to do so. It is done because it seemed essential to do so... to tackle you.

That is the reason why woman, after a couple of bad relationships, become resistance to flippant words and romance. They grew cynical in love, knowing that flowers, gifts and such is but methods employed by man to get them to fall in love. They became so afraid to step into the boundary of Love and fear if this man is like the one before.

You people are relatively young; please do not think that he is THE ONLY one for you. Relationship is unfathomable - one can never judge it's success due to a certain phrase, like honeymoon. Your REAL relationship begins after your honeymoon period, for that differentiate a substantial relationship from that of a false one.

P.S: Keep learning. You will get better at handling your emotions and relationship. I usually have the same advice for young people like yourself - better to understand emotions and the 'rules' to this game of love, then to pay the price at much later stage in life.

Cheers

A Maxed-out Day.

You see, usually, I don't pen down my daily happenings here, like 95% of all other blogs, for this avenue is mainly served as a dumping ground for all my Aunt Agony shit. I mean, why the hell would people be interested in reading your daily journal... about what is happening to you, your life, your chinchilla, your neighbour, your new bought CD, shoes, underwears and everything that revolves around you absolutely? Unless someone has taken a liking for me or unless he/she is simply having one damn 无聊 afternoon to waste excessively.

The usage of blog: The root of narcissism? Or a channel to rant and utilized the power of words to bend to your will on how you would construct your post in name of self expression? For me, as mentioned above, is still a dumping ground for relationship (majority) related topics. Four odd years of resident 'Aunt Agony' (Since April '01) and only now I have thought of blogging it online. 瓦靠！ 浪费！

Anyway, seriously, I never knew who and who actually reads my shit. Literally. Regularly. Word for word. And I can almost say for certain that only two types of people actually reads my shit:

I) You are a woman. Biologically.

II) You are an enlightened male. (Percentage-wise, you are almost negligible) Emotionally and spiritually, you are a woman.

Damn it! Only 'women' readers? *wonders*

I have a metrosexual good friend, let's call him AT, says he reads my shit and fell asleep instantaneously. The long post and probably 'chimness' kills him with a perfect headshot. 瓦靠！Be appreciative ok... at least it helped you with your dreaded insomnia.

好吧！我就不再胡说八道了。(Hey... why must it be 八道 and not 九道 or 七道? *wonders*)

151005 is an incredible day. Not only I get to meet lots of good old friends, but also a fairly well exchange tales of what is currently going on in your friends' life. Lots of stuff: Woes in national service... latest gossips... future plans... personal life... Love... pure talk cork... What do you expect - Three birthdays and one party in one sick congregation. Holy shit man! Everything ghastly fits into one fringin` day. God knows how.



Let's see (from left to right): Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Libra, Libra, Pisces.

Positive: 4
Negative: 4

Cardinal: 3
Fixed: 2
Mutual: 3

Water: 3
Fire: 2
Earth: 1
Air: 2

(I can picture YOUR wtf expression... whoever is reading this. LMAO!)

Learning Astrology is a good way to remember people's birthday (I am sorry Pat... ROFL!).

I met up with my little nurse, Esther, while waiting for AT to knock off from work and she waiting for her boyfriend. It was a brief thing, to accompany me for early dinner and to buy birthday card for Ant for she is also a regular town 'appearer' and happen to be there. Somehow, we are good friends now - not surprising for having five solid days of rubbish conversation in NUH.

The chalet was packed with an air of menace. It was hospitable for most, but was specifically hostile to one. I shall not go into details with this , but here's a question for all: What would you do if your parents dislike your partner strongly? Would you rebel, accept your parent's view or to practice ignorance/avoidance to both side? I can see helpless agony in his eyes when I met him outside the chalet (read outside), before leaving the place. He had a bunch of friends and much desire to be around his Love, but there is an 'antipathy spell' cast on the door - there seemed no way for him to get near Ant, with the presence of her mum.

Imagine your girlfriend's birthday and you COULD only stand at a distance and watch her. Think about this sad scene: everyone was happily taking photo with the birthday girl, together with the birthday cake, on her 21th birthday and the boyfriend COULD only stand some secluded corner, have his own conversation with his own friends and play a role of an etcetera. WTF!

I can't help but to feel so much for him. So fringing` helpless. 好无奈。

I left with Eugene, who is currently having his own rough time as well. I pray that he would get over this shit ASAP. I mean he should be reading my blog after he add me in MSN, so I won't expose his wounds here. So he would form the negligible percentage of man reading my shit. Haha!

Then comes the RAV party that Mo-man organized. Seriously, the crowd was nothing and in fact, quite disappointing. But the fun comes among ourselves for this is not another regular raba session at phuture or zouk - it was purely a friend.friend.thing. So screw the crowd and concentrate on ourselves.

This is the self claim Dandy - Mo-man (with his best chick):



And this is self claim Natural (Child) - me - with Candy-sweetie (Pardon the extra behind) and Yvonne:





And of course, the GUYS:



I don't understand why the hell Alan looked so red. He isn't drunk.

The climax came when everyone got pissed drunk... only me and ww retain our sanity for the night. Mo-man was busy and had to move from places to places. Duck Rice was completely maxed out. Ok, I swear I wanted to make him drunk - well, what else can you do to a guy who regret about Love and is pretty reluctant to move on in life? B52, Flaming Lamo, AK47 and score of other drinks packed a wallop... send him into some kind of psychedelic state.

I love talking to a drunkard because a drunkard tells you everything. And you get all heart-felt words that is devoid of social tact. And when you are drunk because of emotional hurt, 你会有很深的感触。Somehow, it worked that way. To me at least.



Drunk and behaving like a weirdo.

I literally brought him home and coerced him to bathe, before his eyes shut completely to fatigue.

I remember I said something quite 深奥 in the lift, which is the REASON why I am writing this whole damn long journal:

人一定要醉过一次，
因为你知道醉后，
一定会有醒来的明天。
Just like you have to stop deluding yourself,
because ultimately, you will have to move on.

How many of you actually drink to delude yourself? Actually, most of us delude ourselves without drinking. Alcohol is merely a medium to release the inhibition we suppressed ourselves, just like the mask we display to the world - a mechanism that worked for us. Why is it we refuse to understand the greater good of matters OR ourselves and reject options that we are better of having? To remain in misery - is the choice we often undertake, despite having better choices. Is time too little? Or is it the work of karmic relationship?

Do we truly understand our misery? Or do we think we know our situation?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 161005

Originally posted by The Den:
Hi Aunt Agony,

My dad and mum are no longer in talking terms. They sleep in separate rooms and lead separate lives. They walk past each other without acknowledging each other's presence.

Dad is always out on Saturdays visiting his own relatives, and sleep over their homes. I have a younger brother in poly who is super rebellious. Mostly the time spent at home he will be asleep. He works night shift at 7 eleven just to avoid mum.

What makes mum so detestable? She demands us spending every night with her watching tv in the living room, insists to cook us dinner when her cooking tastes worse than army food, and kicks up a huge fuss when we say we want to go out with our friends.

But Saturday nights are different. One of my secondary school mates are having bbqs at Pasir Ris Chalet, and yet I have to spend the whole night to "accompany" her at home since no one else is home.

Sometimes Dad will have a kind word for me but I feel so messed up with my life, 'cos mum will call at 6 every day and threaten to do something violent if I do not make it home before 8 for dinner. My career never took off as a result... social life crashed because I have to make up excuses to friends when we are suppose to have a good time together.

When I walk around the house with a grouchy look on my face, she would go:

Mum: "Why that long face?"
Me: "Nothing."

Starts to pick a fight, like saying something to agiate me. Will sound sometimes like:

"Go fuck yourself, I havent die yet, so u are unhappy is it?" Dad will take it as a cue to pack a few shirts into his bag and usually 3 min later I can hear the slamming of the metal gate, and click. Just me and her again.

How do I deal with his woman who threatens to jump off a building each time I tell her I have a date? Or have a meeting at work? Or can't make it back for dinner? Or tell her I want to sleep over relatives house with dad? :cry:

How I wish I can attend the sg forums bbq.... but I guess I'll be home again..


Apparently, you still obliged to your mum's will of coming home, despite how reluctant you are. Maybe you feel pity for her, or even afraid that she may attempt something foolish, still, the maternal influence is heavy - does this exercising of control is in process long ago... when you were younger and stuff?

Your mother is undergoing a crisis now. She probably has nobody else to turn to and therefore choose to bar you from 'fleeing' so that she has some unseen emotional support, even if you don't say or do anything. She just needed some physical evidence to show that not everyone is 'fleeing' from her life. She is not trying to cease you from your hedonistic pursue with your friends and life... more like trying to save herself from emotional drowning.

Never... never use logics to decipher her ideology - your mum has gone beyond common sense and logics. She truly needs some form of emotional counselling and if you don't know how to open her wounds, fear and instability and nurse them through words and stuff, one good option is to consider counselling. A third party may be able to release that intensity in her and regain some sanity - or at least quit threatening the suicide thing.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 141005

Originally posted by andy13:
Dear all,

recently got to know a gal from KL when i was there for official trip. Since the trip, we have been sending each other emails and later it was phone calls every nite. Till a date that i think we had fallen in love with each other. Later, a date was arrange and i drove to KL to meet up with her. It sort of confirmed our relationship. We were happy with the status. Today, called her on the phone. She told me that she will not be able to meet me up in Nov for holiday in Sin. Coz she told me that her EX is bringing his parents out for holiday and requested her to follow. (Her ex's parents does not know that they broke off)
So this gal confessed to me that she on and off meet up with her ex for such purpose. When i heard it, i was stunned. Do not know how to react. It has been few years since they broke off. Sigh. I really confused in my mind. What is she thinking? Cancel our holiday to go out with her ex and family?

Im confused now. I wonder should i continue with her or should i give it up as she told me that she is trying to do something about it. But on the other hand, i like her alot and wanted very much to develop something out of it. Can anyone say something????


Because this is a long distance relationship, you got to understand the high risk and the much-less fulfilment gain from the relationship. I don't know how fast it took you to be in a relationship with her, but surely, I doubt it was long enough to see certain critical factors or personalities about her to make a better judgment for yourself.

Regarding her ex's matter, it's kinda obvious that she is a woman that doesn't really make decision OR simply a woman that is still dwelling in her past. Both factors contribute to such behaviour of maintaining current status quo, with her ex, even though it is completely nonsensical. Your relationship with her is a perfect position for this nonsense to continue - imagine if she were to have a new KL bf, wouldn't it be a direct issue to settle immediately... with decision and all that, instead of a LDR, which is like easy to keep mum (to her ex), do what she always does and remain attached?

I think if you are looking for a permanent, long lasting relationship, you got to speak to her in regarding what she is looking for. She may see you as an emotional transition, therefore, before too much feeling is invested, please consider reality as part of your consideration, for you don't go clubs and look for lifetime partners - in the same way, when you are seeking someone... and this someone must share the same vision as you and not just a temporal thing. If it isn’t, then either you accept the deal or move on with it. A long distance relationship is already so challenging and to date... many fail ultimately and miserably.

If reality has shed some signs of complication ON TOP of a LDR, I think you seriously need to talk things through - to understand her mindset, your current situation and her emotional state.
Cheers

DS Unkle Dunk

OMG!!!!!! I AM FALLING IN LOVE!



Cheers

Aunt Agony 101005

Originally posted by bravo82:
hi all.. just need some positive advise hopefully.

i been in this replationship for quite some time.. about 4 yrs oledi.now i starting to get pissed with my gf coz she been losing her temper over every little thing tt i do. it's like i cant express myself freely. everytime with her i must be like keeping my every move under control and be wary not to offend her. i m soooo tired of that. but then i dun wish to let her go. but she is always wanting to break up with me despite the fact that i never do anythign wrong to her. i dunno if she likes the feeling of me always clinging onto the relationship or wat but she is always the first to wanna break up. when she is calm, she will be very nice, saying that she loves this relationship etc etc.

problem comes when some things happen. its like she always like to say tt we r not compatible. ya i know tt in more ways than one we do not think in the same wavelength. but y then she can accomodate so long but now she cant? some more its not my fault. its always her abusing me. for example, i know that she does not like to be shamed in public. so i never do tt to her. but she always does tt to me. i feel so hurt man.. i just feel like slapping her but then i know if i do that she'll be gone forever. i really do not know wat to do. i dun wish to break up ... i wish to marry her one day eventually but then i am so very tired of always waiting whole day for her company, then after she knocks off work and i meet her, we end up arguing with me feeling so hurt. btw, she is my first n only love while i m like her countless? all her prev relationships lasted less than few months, the longest being 6 months only. that 6 month guy is the one she loved the most but then that guy went fooling ard. sometimes i feel that she deserved it. coz i never fooled ard.. never beat her.. always give her the best that i can afford. but she never appreciate me. but i so stupid still do all these.. as i typing this i feel so pain.

btw we are of different race. and she always like to bring this up. her family loves me. oni thing is my gf keep losing her temper for every small thing that i do. so sianz... i soemtimes think y am i afraid to break up with her? is it coz i afraid to meet my n her family as a single person? or is it i scare that i wont haf another gf thats y i clinging onto this one? damn heartbroken here.. i do not know how to salvage thi srelationship. btw there is no 3rd party in this relationship. just tt my stupid gf has a battered past so she always thinks that relationships will fail etc etc. pls advise.. thanks.. and i hate it that she keep saying we are not compatible after so long 4 yrs?? y not say that in the beginning of our relationship?? get wat i mean??


Your girlfriend certainly has a foul temper and to me, this behaviour isn't particularly surprising, considering how much you give in to her. I am not saying you shouldn't give in to your Love, but to give in blindly upon infinite occasions over a period of four years will make her gradually adopt an attitude, which will NOT only serve to take advantage of your good nature, but also proliferate the intensity of her nonsense over time.

It is more like a personality problem, than a compatibility problem. That's probably the reason why communication fails. If she has a string of exes that lasted for mere couple of months each - very likely, there is something 'wrong' with this woman.

***

I remember when my 徒弟 entered into a relationship with this Pisces girl, who had scores of man before him, and I witness how tormenting the relationship was, even though his relationship lasted the longest among them.

I warned him: 'There is something about her personality that makes relationship difficult. If all those who had tried before and failed to change her mindset and everything else, what makes you think you could succeed? I am not here to discourage you from your relationship, but it is something you must put into consideration.'

He told me 'True Love conquers all.'

Yunhaier looked at him and smiled.

***

First Love? CloUdiSm has this theory which states that people's endurance in relationship is inversely proportionate to how many relationship they have. The more relationship they undergo, the less endurance they will have for their relationship, thus our endurance for nonsense is usually the greatest in our first love or the first relationship that matters alot to us. Our patience erodes with more meaningless relationship we have, as we gain an attitude of giving-it-up-easily and searching for new potentials whenever we encounter some complication in our relationship. We also become emotionally defensive, unable to give ourselves fully to the relationship.

You are someone, but in the process, you become somebody else. You altered yourself so that you could fit nicely, without disrupting her sanity and ruin this relationship.

What kind of Love are we having here? An one-sided affair? With you trying to hold on so much... and probably only you wanting to hold on?

A relationship with yourself perhaps?

Communication... where has the communication gone to?

Have you gotten to the root of her personality disorder that is causing so much distress to the relationship? Her negative mentality? Have you sought ways to repair those useless message saved by her past experience? It seemed that you have spend more time, in trying to appease her, fearing that the relationship may be destroyed the minute you fail to do something that makes her happy, than to enlighten, share, work things through what's really affecting this Love - her core personality.

Then again, my question to you is: what kind of Love are we having here?

This reminded me of a story, of an old man who is asked to quit smoking because of his ill health, but chose to continue the habit because the withdrawal symptoms 'kills' him faster than his weak health. He's already so old, smoking for decades and therefore, don't even have the physical strength to challenge those withdrawal symptoms. Seriously, the withdrawal effect could claim his life and since he realise to give up also die... don't give up also die... then smoke lor.

You are in the same predicament.

It's probably a little late to decide on anything without the risk of her saying 'let’s break up' and you begging her not to. So instead of enraging her, you just let her do what she wants, thus leading to your sorry plight. I understand your desire to marry her, but if you were to marry this problem into your marriage, even without checking your birth chart, I can probably tell you that divorce is around the corner.

If one cannot solve his BGR problem in a relationship, a marriage cannot change anything.

P.S: To break up with you don't necessary mean that you have to do something bad to her. If she wants to go... she will go. This is our freewill in relationship - you are just delaying the inevitable... the fact that she wants out, with you holding on for as long as you could bear.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 091005

Originally posted by ptps:
EDIT: I know this is a damn long post, but please don't make comments like asking me to summarize or whatever; I'm really not in the mood. Thanks.

Hey guys. It's my first time on the forums. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by posting here and actually getting some help, or making a general fool out of myself then start beating myself up for being stupid later.

I'm not sure where my problem really lies, or if it's even a problem. It's a bit... disorganised. But I'll try and relate as best as I can.

I'll give a bit of a self-intro so you know where I'm coming from. I'm 18-turning-19 years old, I'm the average girl-next-door-whom-you-probably-would-never-notice-until-I-told-you-I-was-there. I'm studying design and teaching martial arts, having just earned my black belt a year back.

So. My "problem". I find that I get very easily demoralized by things that would probably be insignificant to others.

For example, today: one of the parents of the kids who attend the martial arts class I teach told me that my class was "very messy. Not disciplined like the one over here." (They were a few metres away from class of the same martial arts group I'm in.) That, coupled with the fact that five of my students from my class had recently decided to up and go and transfer themselves over to the "class over here", just pitched my day downwards.

I've heard it over and over again from so many other people that if someone tells you something you don't like to hear, just deal with it, figure out what's wrong, devise a method for improving yourself and then get on with it. Okay. But I find that so hard to do. When the parent told me that, what I heard was, "You're lousy. You're a horrid instructor. How the hell do you manage your classes. I think I'll put my kid here, since it's so much better than that crap you're managing."

I feel very horrid because... there are instructors who are younger than me who come from the same group I'm in. And they perform so much better. They're more skilled, more "popular", so to speak, and they can manage their classes way better than I probably ever could. I feel like a let down, not being able to perform up to the same standards. Furthermore, the kids in THEIR class are all damn "quai". No need to scream or punish or shout yourself hoarse like what normally happens in my class.

Then here's the dumb part. Being an instructor means you're supposed to set examples for the students, right? So I make sure I'm always if not most of the time, early for my classes. I try to engage them as much as possible so they don't get bored. When they fail to perform a move and complain that they "can't do it", I always tell them, "practice makes perfect" or "If you keep saying you can't do it, then of course you can't do it lah!" or "I don't want to hear the words 'I cannot I cannot'".

I tell them all that when I don't believe in myself. "I can't reach the standards of my seniors." "I'll never be able to be as good as so-and-so." "I'm a lousy instructor." I say the things I tell my own students not to say. And I feel so hypocritic.

Same deal goes for my art life in school. I'll get extremely dejected/demoralized when my juniors produce better work than what I've done, even though I did my best for it. I get depressed when I see my seniors, and feel like I can never match up to them. Hell, I get frustrated with myself when I can't produce something that matches up to standard and I normally end up just trashing the project or giving up because I feel stupid and worthless for not being able to compare.

Speaking of depression, I think I'm suffering from psychosis. But I've never really made a move to approach a counsellor or anything because I'm really afraid that they'll laugh off my problem as being stupid, that I'm thinking too much over small matters, that I'm just an attention-seeking idiot. I don't even know if this IS a real problem or not, if it's just me making a mountain out of a molehill.

I've tried telling some of my rl friends about my problems before but they just laughed and said I was stupid, that I angst too much or something. I'm typing this out now because then I don't have to meet anyone face to face, I'd be anonymous on the web. Hell, if anyone has even managed to read for this long without falling asleep, I'll be surprised.

Oh, I also have extreme tendencies to go offtrack when I'm angsting. In case you haven't already noticed. Argh.

I don't even know what my problem is or if I actually have a problem in the first place.



There is too strong of an ego here, which coerced you to pursue the standard of others as a benchmark of success and quality, when in fact you ought to gauge yourself based on your OWN measure. It could be due to the way you are developed emotionally and mentally, where this aggressiveness or abundance of energy flows within you creates a competitive personality. You see things based on result and do things in view of success, yet devoid yourself of much passion and love for these things.

I give you an analogy - a teacher getting frustrated due to a couple of students ain't doing well, say maths, and pulled the overall distinction percentage down.

Although this serve, in some ways, some guideline to determine a teacher's capability, but if the teacher overly dwell on statistic, the teacher will often lose the initial passion he/she had, wanted and thought in her job. The passion of teaching is intangible and why did you teach in the first place? Because you love to impart knowledge isn't it?

If it is your inexperience, then learn from your job. You will gradually improve if you don't take EVERYTHING so personal. People are giving you their negative view because of your work, NOT because of YOU. By integrating your work and doing into a personal level, it isn't a wonder why you could get so emotionally affected by this. Even though you are a black belt in martial art, but you are no black belt in teaching! Don't be so hard on yourself. A good dancer doesn't necessary means he/she is a gifted instructor as well. A teacher learns as she teaches and you are merely learning how to conduct a class and do it well.

As for your studies, to use someone as a stimuli to further yourself is a good tool, but as again, your competitive nature gets everything into personal level, in turn, emotionally affected through something which shouldn't even stress you up to this level.

People call you a perfectionist, but actually you are a runner in life. Problem comes in because you don't know when to slow down your pace to catch a little bit of breathe, enjoy possible scenery or recuperate/conserve some energy for a later burst. You just run without wisdom, thinking that if you don't maintain this speed, you are going to lose and ultimately tired out yourself.

Have you ever thought what and why are you running?

You are competing with yourself isn't it?

P.S: You need to shift your perception to something more comfortable. In life, it isn't always about fighting, competing or challenging. It’s about humble learning, evolving and understand what works and what doesn't. You measure yourself according to your OWN standard, not that of others. You push yourself based on your OWN standard, not that of others.

Are you a Virgo or Capricorn?

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 081005

Originally posted by Vilue:
When a guy say he want to talk to you about ur relationship problem, but when he sees you, he just keep slient? So what does that mean? He doesnt know how to start or he is just saying to for the sake of it?

My bf n me are going through this now. 1 mth ago, he just suddenly says he doesnt knowwhat he wants, doesnt know if there is a future for us. I told him that we should take time apart and think abt it. Of cos, during this period he still remain in contact with me. But whenever i ask him if he wants to talk abt our problem, he just says to give him more time and do things slowly.

I keep telling him we cant avoid our problem. If there is no future for us, then we should move on. He just says he knows but keep quiet. Even when we met, he didnt look me in the face when i asked him if he wants to talk about our problem. I keep telling him we should talk and even if he cant give any promises, at least he can be honest about it and not just give execuses and hide. Still he just says he knows and understand but didnt talk.

Im really clueless about what he is up to. He is afraid that i'm seeing someone else, yet he doesnt want to make an effort to talk. Just tell me he very very stress with work. Even if want more time, he cant say how long i have to wait for him to talk.

What does he wants?

Sometimes, they call this the caveman theory - when your man is unable to relate to you about his feelings and thoughts and you know that something is affecting him/the relationship. He is undergoing a transition where he needs to think about 'something' and this 'something' doesn't have a direct answer, more than it requires a decision (Especially worst if your bf is a Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius).

The reason why he stalls time and not letting you know is because he knows that this matter, whatever it may be, will place the relationship in new position, likely to be for ill. He thinks because he tries to accommodate his conscience, heart and mind... which resulted in serious conflict that render him the inability to say anything.

There is a battle within, struggling to find an answer or to accept a solution which fit the best of both worlds.

But there isn't.

The battle rages on.

***

To handle this, don't ASK him what happen; induce him to come out from his reclusive mental retreat through gradual verbal leading. He doesn't know what is he thinking about... you draw him out by dropping questions. But don't go about trashing things and interrogate him as if he murdered someone - you can begin the ball rolling first by relating and sharing your opinion of the relationship yourself. This will create a mood to talk about things and psychologically lure him into having an emotional talk with you.

Before you can open the hearts of others, you got to open yourself first. Then you can pop a few question of... 'Is it because I always neglect you...', etc. Leave the most critical questions last (E.g. you fell for someone else?).

Always check body language when you speak to him. You could zero in on issue which you think could be the source of his torment.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 081005

Originally posted by tsh:
Hi

I met him in college when I was 25 and he was 18. We worked very well in group together, and so became good and pure friends to each other. Because we both came to Australia to study, so we helped each when one was in need. We had so many things in common and we enjoyed our accompany together. Living abroad, we had to work very hard to pay for our study expenses. We shared sorrows and happiness in student life together.

I admired him because of his maturity he has more than his age. I admired him because he has a very good heart to others and to me, because he is a hard working person, because he is considerate, caring, and sensitive man and because he was so nice to me. I admired him because of his strong ambition in career and confidence to achieve things he wants for his life. He admired me because I am a confident woman, because I have good knowledge. He admired me because I am a caring, considerate, sensitive person who always likes to help others.

The last semester of college, we felt something different b/w us. When we finished our 2 - year course, we realised we had been fallen in love. I always asked myself how I could love a man when he is 7 yrs younger than me. But there is sth different about him that you can't tell he is 7 yrs younger. Both of us made a good couple and every one said the same although others know that I am older, they still supported us. We went to uni. I took my MBA course and he went for Bachelor of Accounting. We continued our relationship. He loved me a lot, always made me happy. I was very happy in this relationship. The only thing I have is the sadness of not being recognised sometimes to people who relate to him. But then he always came back and comfort.

The second year in uni went pass. He won the lottery Green Card. He left for US. I had tears everyday when living without him. He was still calling me and supporting me during that time to complete my MBA, then looking for work.

One day he said to me, go to look for another man and don’t wait for him because I am now 29. He will not come back to marry me because he has a lot of things to achieve in life. He needs to build his career, and this is not fair for me to wait for him. When the time he plans to marry, it will be the time he is 30 and I am 37. He feels bad if I am waiting for him and there is no future that guarantee for this relationship. The beauty of a woman will be gone. I said yes and cried in tears and tears, days and nights. But it could not go that way. We still keep in touch and expressing our feelings. He came back comforting me over the phone. We talked once or twice a week and emailed almost everyday. After he left for two yrs, the feelings are still there.

Then he decided to come back Australia to take his personal things left. We came back again. We spent our holidays together and live in romance. It was so sweet when coming back together again. Then he left for US. I remained in Australia. A few months later, I mentioned about our future together when he graduates, he said:

"Well about your idea...I do not know...I do not mean to say that but I have to say that. I want you to open your option open like, u know. If you find someone suitable more than me, you should try to know him. If you wait for me, it will be too long. You cannot expect me to be together with you as soon as I graduate. I have a lot of things to do with my life and family. I know your age need to be settled down and marry but my age is not. I am only 23. I have a lot of things to achieve in my life and I have a lot of responsibilities for my family. So, I am always happy for you whatever is good for you. But I am sorry for you also that I cannot fulfil your wish."

I replied email and said, I just share my wish to home and of course will not expect to marry in tow years (while in fact I do). He said “thanks and ended note “love you”.

But I have cried every night now and then. A BROKEN HEART after receiving the email. Finish work, I am scared to come home because I will miss him desperately. I just feel so many men here want me. I have a good education, a good career, good manners, beauty, and faith. Looking for another man is not hard. But why I cannot have a man I want. He loves me I know and I know he is the only one that loves more than others. I love him too. Why we cannot be together?

This is the second time he told me. I have to make decision for my life. I love him and still want to be with him. But there is no future together as he already said. What I am looking for in this relationship when I see no support. My age is 30. It is not too old. If he supports me, I don’t mind waiting for him yrs and yrs. When I mention about our future, it just makes him feel worse and he becomes stressed and tempered to me. I feel I am just a shadow and a tail in his life. Should I wait for him and continue to be the shadow? What if one day he achieves his goals, will he still think of me when I am about to be in 40. He may marry s/o and I miss my spring time waiting for a man as a shadow without hope.

What should I do as I still love him so much, and I know he still loves me too. I don’t want to end this, but what if one day I am 37 seeing him marry a young woman in 20s. I would have a BROKEN HEART and will not go back to my youth anymore. I will not be able to have children with another man any more? Things at work seem to be easy for me to handle, why my personal life, I can not make a decision for myself? I just feel I cannot go out with man when your heart is with another. I will miss the time we were together sharing sorrows and happiness in student life. Should I wait for move on my life?

Thank you for reading my love story. I cannot share this with others my love story as I don’t want to be seen blind in love. Only people who experienced will understand how I feel now. Please give me some advice if you can.

st



This is a conundrum of Love that requires you to make decisions that is intrinsically sacrificial, for it is neither right nor wrong... neither good or bad - a mere decision that will determine where you would steer your love life into.

To wait or not to wait?

You got to understand from his point of view; he doesn't want you to wait because he cannot afford to bear the responsibility of you spending your best moments waiting endlessly for a man who has just began to step into the working society... his initial phrase to prove his worth through his career. Most men hate to lay promises that they ain't sure they could uphold and thus often chose to avoid or give them up completely.

The Love that has blossomed in school is easy to maintain; minus the mental pressure of age barrier, what's there to hinder is only innocent stress of school work and there isn't a need to consider any other factors unlike now - where reality has sunk in. True Love has no boundary, but the fact is such that we have to consider this hateful reality and not be delusional about the simple ideology of Love.

You loved him and he loved you, but it doesn't mean that it would be suffice for a relationship to continue on forever. It was sweet memories no doubt, devoid of any complication, which is why you find it so difficult to give it up. Afterall, you may not find such love ever again, even by keeping your options open to other guys.

Still, by waiting, chances are, it would be futile. This is a difficult relationship; not only by vast age gap, but it has become a long distance relationship even if he decide to pursue. Let's be realistic and not dwell too much about the small exceptional miraculous work of fate – it could be time to wake up from our sweet dream?

Keep your option open and not eliminate every other potential out there - it would be an unhealthy mindset to habour (worst if you are a Taurus, Leo, Scorpio or Aquarius). If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I remember someone, who meant something to me previously, once said this to me:

'...At least the relationship didn't soured...'

I think this is something you could be thankful for and not cry because it is over, but rather, smile because it happened.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 071005

Originally posted by gustowind:
Hi guys need some advice on this issue.
Here's the case:

I've been with my gf for almost a year. My mother was down with Kidney Failure last 2 weeks and I've been away from my gf for these 2 weeks.

Today she sms me that she dun feel the same way towards me as when we first started, and for some time she felt the feelings were cooling off.now she tells me she cant say she love me cos she dun know. And during this time she attended her cousin's wedding and she just realised she dun picture marrying me.

She also told me she don't have feelings for me and it's a gradual process. the more she see of me the more she feel that i'm not the one that she will marry. and the more she see the more she feel that way.

I've told her i will try to make changes for her. the issue is that she feels i'm not mature enough in my ways and thinking.

she also said that at this point in time she dun love me.

she said she cant stop me from trying to revive our relationship. but she told me that i cant force her to love me . if i try and the outcome is the same then i just have to accept it.

previously in the past she've given me hints already but i failed to act upon it.
and what she wants is very simple. Someone who is mature in his ways and thinking and who can lead her and her family in the right way ( apparently my misbehaviours are too glaring )

Could anyone give me some good advice? thanks a lot

regards
will


Strangely, to some whom I have spoken to, there is this burning desire to 'grow up', in whatsoever sense that means to them. This desire to hasten the process of maturing... in the first place, can you actually speed up of process maturity? Not exactly, for time is constant and there is only so much crap that could happen to us over a period of time. Our problems are scattered over our entire lifetime and usually wouldn't congregate only to one phrase of our life. Our life is constantly anticipating new challenges and if we fail to overcome them, we repeat them. In fact, we are all governed by mistake of the past, how you deal with them in the future makes you a different person and thus maturity gain. But definitely, you would have to go through certain ordeal before you can claim your lesson through reflection.

It seemed to me that your girlfriend realise that this relationship is not for her, not that it is not working well. You may have your flaws, but surely, she has hers. Trouble is: the blending of two personalities, intertwined into a relationship, is having some serious issues.

Change? What do you want to change? Or to be more truthful, do you think your attempt to change can change anything?

Your girlfriend presented an initial proposal to end this relationship mutually. She is stalling for time because she is probably unsure about how she is going to go about ending it. This is due to the Love that has once existed... vanishing into a pall of smoke.

It's about fleeting emotions - something that isn't there, not that it is broken.

P.S: You may need to be prepared emotionally and mentally. Your gf may seemed to give you a final chance to rediscover or rekindle lost flame in your love, but technically speaking, she may already have a decision of her own, in deciding the fate of your relationship with her.

Cheers