Aunt Agony 180112

Originally posted by Undiscoveredsoul98:

I have a lady friend whom I've known for 7 years. We knew each other while working at the same place back then. We both got along well.

Some 4 years later, I develop feelings for her. After a month of consideration, she told she cant accept me for fear that she will lose me as a friend if our relationship dont work out. I understand that its nearly impossible to be friends after a break up. Though she broke my heart, I never hated her or hold grudges against her for that. I respected her decision. She told me she hoped we could remain friends even after this incident. I'm fine with that but it will take some time for me to get over her since we are working in a same place and see each other almost everyday.

And so the next 18 months have been rather difficult for me as I was struggling to get over her while still remain friends. There are times when I would ignore her at work as I need to withdraw myself from her in order for me to move on. That has always been the most effective method for me if I need to forget about a girl. But since we are still in the same place, it was one hell of a challenge for me. Each time when I stop talking to her or ignore her, even its just for short time, she would get very upset. She would tend to tell other girls in our place about me not talking to her. It seems that I'm somehow important to her even though Im just a friend. Like as if me not communicating with her is a big issue to her.

And so now, we are no longer working in the same place and working in different places. We are still friends, she even told me she consider me her close guy friend. Thats something no other girls had ever said to me. We both shared personal problems and secrets. Some of my friends advised me to treasure this friendship with this girl even though I failed to make her my gf.

I know many people would say that Im one of those guys who will always remain in the "friend" zone with girls. As bad as it sounds, perhaps there is a good thing to it. At least I dont have to deal with her ugly side, which she warned me she tends to act in such a way in a relationship.

So my point here is, though she is attached with a guy, she still wants me in her life. She make it seems that I am one of those people who mattered to her in her life. Im really touched, and I appreciate it. I do love her as a friend. I never had any girls treating me in such a sweet way. Being her close friend is like a "2nd place" thingy. Do I really matter to her much judging by how things have been going on between me & her? She might be sad if I really leave her.

If you don't believe in existence of platonic friendship in a purist way, then you probably never will. It's hard to 'develop' it because you just can't believe in it solely from one dimension unless there are major tweaks in your overall belief and coping system in love. It is not impossible - just that the bar of change is significantly high to pursue. It can be done, just notably arduous to sustain.

The point of you needing to be 'separated' from her presence is ultimately a coping measure - which is rather commonly employed. Perhaps she could do it because she holds a separate belief system, in addition to the fact that she is not romantically linked to you. That makes her easier to decide if she wants to keep the friendship, yet without having to struggle intensively like you.

But you are not her: you have to decide if this choice of yours is delaying your development in love (with other people). If I were to be brutely honest, it is likely that both of you probably acts as a buffer for mutual emotional support to certain extend - just no title to officiate your role.

Of course, if one part of your soul feeds on that tiny ray of hope, thinking that 'for as long as you are in the queue, you might actually end up somewhere', then don't be disappointed if things do not turn out to be the way you desired because you made the choice to stand in that queue when you could have easily walk away.

Cheers

Piece of Lard 02 (18 Jan 12)

The fat calling the lump larder.

Love for better for worst

Recently, I came across one homeless couple; though behind every homeless person lies their tale of unfortunate circumstances, but somehow, this particular case struck me deep.

I was about to process with them on what they 'could' do to effectively get out of this mess. The only problem with my proposal is that it requires them to be separated. However, even after careful reflection and processing, the couple blatantly rejected my offer because they felt that they must be in this together - even if the situation has reached an extreme doldrums.

What could be worst than living a life of fear - without shelter, food and safety? According to Maslow, you can't even fulfill level one and that's basically the shittest circumstances you could land yourself into.

"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness."

Wedding vows; I wonder how many people could really uphold this.

Perhaps for all you know - love might just the illusionary facade to fuel the cold machinary of karmic debts among people.

Aunt Agony 110112

Originally posted by _0h_gosh_:

Hello guys.. First time posting here and I have something to say about this woman I know.

I knew this gal back in 2007, we were both attached with our own bf and gf at that time. However, she and I got together and had a secret relationship for almost 10 months till end of 2007. We ended this secret relationship and didn't contact each other again. Somehow I got to know that she broke up with her bf in early 2008, then she got married to another guy in 2009, and gave birth in 2009 too. I believe it was a shotgun marriage with a guy whom she hung out with a couple of months.

We didn't contact each other since end of 2007. I have deleted her number and couldn't even remember any of her numbers. Then in Sep 2010, I received an unknown sms and asked about me. I replied and asked who this person is. She mentioned her name and I was like WTF?!? What does she want now...

We exchanged a few sms after that and we met up, everything started again. We had sex in the car, after which I made it clear to her that I do not want to have any special relationship with her as she is already married with a child. She was ok... somehow we ended like friends with benefits, we solely meet up for sex. But somehow we still have some feelings involve, we kinda like each other.... This relationship continue from Sep 2010 till now, we continue see each other for meals sometimes but she has rejected me in sex for a couple of months recently. I asked her to have sex with me but she kept rejecting... after which I told her to break up and stop seeing each other... But she insisted that she still want me as her "boyfriend" and want to continue to see me. I was like WTF does she want? I was thinking: "If you wanna have an affair with me and do not wanna have sex with me, why continue on with this relationship??"

I am meeting her to talk again, so as to conclude everything.... Anyway, why does a woman, who is married with a child, still want another man? And why does she still want a "boyfirend" and yet reject him in sex? She gave me all kind of stupid reasons of not having sex with me. What kind of benefits does she have in this kind of relationship? She told me that she love me more than her husband, and even asked me if I will accept her if she divorce him and leave the kid with him.... I was kinda shocked with her comments.

What do you guys think of this woman? Should I avoid her forever? I have feelings for her, but my gut feeling told me that she and I will never be together, and I should stop seeing her... sometimes I will kinda miss her and lost that will to stop myself from seeing her.... I do not want to break up her family... sometimes I only want to have that secret relationship with her still, it could be the sex and excitment that made me clinge onto her, but I know that it is kinda "bastard" doing that and I should stop it....

You made the deal and she accepted. After all, friends with benefits have pretty clear T&C; just that in your case, she didn't uphold her side of the bargain, which made things a little more complicated.

How your sub rosa relationship first begin has a significant influence over the development of later episodes. Since the clandestine relationship was a secret back then, your probable position in her heart is likely to be someone she could secretly fall back on whenever she felt dissatisfied with her relationship. After all, sex was probably part of the equation on both separate phase in the relationship, hence that seemingly sinful arrangement is nothing special in particular. But what you might not realize is that she is probably getting some degree of emotional dependence on this poorly structured relationship, regardless of how sparingly you thought you have provided.

She does not technically need the physical sex, rather, she craves for emotional connection. This probably explains why she could withdraw sex from the deal, but still want the relationship because after all, you have always been the secret lifeline that she depends on emotionally (although on your end, you see it purely as a physical exchange).

Allow me to give you an analogy: say if you are a salesman and you sell Cartel watches - To you: you probably feel that you are merely selling a watch because you sell this product to many people. But to the customer, they don't only just buy a watch - they just bought prestige, brand, status and everything else intangible that came with the purchase.

Not technically, but implicitly.

Well, she has abandoned the original deal and submitted another 'proposal'. If you cannot accept the new terms, then it's your decision to decide if you want to call it a day or resubmit another 'proposal'.

Cheers

Making Mistakes

Recently, I had a couple of conversations with people rather depressed and one common theme came up; that people are angry with themselves for making 'stupid' choices, whom they ought to have listen to 'themselves' and do otherwise long ago.

Sometimes, we are so caught up with doing only the right thing that we become overly self critical. No qualms about it, just that I felt that we could be a little easier on ourselves, especially on circumstances we have little control over.

Supposedly if it rains one day and the rain drenched the clothes you just washed a while ago; you probably have two typical blaming style; you either blame yourself for bringing the clothes out to dry or you blame the rain. As for the former, it is a natural decision - we hang our clothes out to dry after washing. Duh. So in this natural course of action, that would always be the default mode of action. Blaming on something that is 'natural' makes us even more miserable.

In a classic lifespan, relationship is but a natural unfolding of experience. When we grow up, we make many friends and a couple ends up in a relationship with us. Being in a relationship would naturally means that we put ourselves in a vulnerable position, so as to allow love to teach us what we need to become a better person and lover. In that eventful journey, it is only likely that we make a couple of mistakes along the way because it allow us to understand the importance of value and appreciation.

Therefore, don't blame yourself for circumstances you have little control over, especially when it doesn't go the way you hope it would. Learn to forgive yourself because you must always remember that no matter how weary the darkness, you alone hold the light to dispel the ghastly night.

Piece of Lard 01 (24 Dec 11)

Today I own this post and not that smarty pants Yunnie. Even though my england not as good, but I win hands down in Singlish. In addition, I also learn to throw my weight around... literally. So I win. 

Through my tiny eyes, I read the Straits Times and come across this article. You can read the article online at here:

P.S: Actually, the interesting part is this little column beside the main article and it highlighted other similar offenses.

[Quote] In 2009, a 32-year-old former Chinese and civics and moral education teacher was jailed for 10 months. The mother of two had engaged in sex acts with her 15-year-old student six times in chalets and in her flat. [/Quote]

***

Signing off,
Mousy Mouse
World's Most 'Powderful' Gambling Mouse

Aunt Agony 241211 (Continued from AA II 221211)

Originally posted by Hseng25:

Im in the process of moving on.. Before I deleted her contact last night.. I texted her how I really felt and wished her all the best to her and her bf. She replied thx. I know I shouldn't have texted her but I just wanna have my final say. This morning she greeted me with a cheerful smile so I guess no more hard feelings between us. I guess u guys are right, she might be a player. A very pro experience player with lots of free time. It hurts... This is my first time I ever met such a lady. I guess I've boosted her ego already.

I believe you might have found the answer you seek - all the best for your love life.

P.S: My sense (imho) is not so much about her being a player, but seemed more like some developmental issues to me. But well, that's only my two cents.

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 221211

Originally posted by Hseng25:

There’s this girl working in the same company as I am but in different depts. She’s a single 40yr old lady working in the HR dept and I’m a 29yr old guy. One day I found out that she was sick at home, I made her freshly made juices for a week and she texted me that she was actually very moved & thanked me. (Our normal way of communication is through texting as we work in different areas of the same company)

After a few days of texting casually, I confessed to her via text. Her first response was ” Are u pulling my leg? Do u know how old am I? If you were to know my age u wouldn’t talk to me again.” I told her I didn’t care about her age and she doesn’t need to tell me how old she is. Ever since then, I would always find a chance to pop by her desk with a smile and tease her a little. Our text messaging became very frequent. We would call each other up and chat on the phone for a while at night. We told each other to take this relationship slow and easy so we can get to know each other more and etc.

For 2 weeks, she was texting me a lot. From the time we start work till night and we’ll end with a short conversation. I tried to ask her out a couple of times but she says she’s very busy especially near year end, she suggested that we could take off from work 1 day and go out. She gave me a date but can’t promise me yet till she confirms her time table. (She’s genuinely busy near year end as she’s the manager of the HR dept and she is 24 hours on standby to run errands for the boss)

I asked her out for dinner after work a couple of times but she always told me she’s going out dinner with her LADY friends. She seems to intentionally say the word “lady” louder to make sure I don’t misunderstand. Even though she’s out with her friends, she would still constantly text me and call me at night before we head to bed. I got frustrated and wonder why does she prefers to go out with her friends than me, it seems she was playing hard to get. And her constant text messaging everyday kind of made me even more frustrated. Constant texting in terms of like every 10-15mins starting from 8am all the way to the night including weekends! She would text me about everything she’s doing and asking about myself as if we are both dating already. I’ve gently reminded her that i can’t keep up with her texting at work, she said to ignore her but the text never slowed down a bit. Frustrated and running out of patience, I told her ” Stop msging me again, I don’t intend to have a cyber GF.”

She stopped texting me ever since. She was absent from work the next day. Out of concern I texted her & called her but no replies. The next day at work, I popped by her desk to ask how is she. She ignored me and looked very upset. I bought flowers to apologize to her the next day at work. She texted me ” Thx and appreciate it very much but no need for flowers and your juices. We shall remain colleagues and friends and I’m not suitable for you.” I asked her whats wrong and she kept replying the same thing. I told her i know i made a mistake by sending that text that hurt her and not to judge me just on one text. I asked her why wouldn’t she give me 2nd chance. we haven’t went out alone with each other to feel each other but her response was the same. I got angry and told her its fine by me but i won’t even consider her as a friend anymore but just co worker thats all. She replied ” Don’t be so immature. thx. “

Next day, a co worker of mine had a chat with her. She suddenly pointed at my picture in the company photo and complained why am i so fierce and never smiled. Afraid of getting our co worker’s suspicion, she quickly changed subject. Few days later, I humbled myself and apologized to her. She replied ” Its not your fault, the problem lies with me. Its just that I can’t find myself to accept someone so much younger than i am and i wish we could chat like before.” But ever since then, every time I texted her casually she would take a long time to reply or never reply at all. Confused, I called her and asked her whats wrong and we ended up in a very very very bad argument.

Since then, I avoided her and stopped all contact for 3 weeks. Then one day we accidentally bumped into her other at the hallway, she smiled back at me and asked me not to be hostile. At first I thought she wanted revenge but i emailed her that night to apologize and she accepted it. We would still smile at each other at work and greet each other. Feeling regretful and desperate to rekindle the relationship before, I apologized to her through text like 2-3 times on different days.A few days later, I texted her asking how is she, she would coldly reply me. Feeling desperate again, I thanked her for forgiving me and saying sorry, she replied ” Stop msging me this kind of msg, my bf is getting pissed off.” (I knew she was lying cos she was out with a grp of colleagues at that time.)

After a couple of days at work, we bumped with each other at the hallway again. She gave me a nasty look. I told myself to forget about her and move on so I ignored her since then. But at work whenever she saw me she would do silly things like calling out very loudly to a friend of mine, interrupting our conversation. I had to pass by her work space today and she slammed her mouse loudly and signed. When ever she passes the hallway, i caught her several times turning her head to my working area. ( She knows its only me and one guy working at that area.) I would find her staring at me when I’m in the office. She would flirt with the guy colleagues at work. A co worker whom I told him about both of us said she’s obviously seeking my attention. I have no idea what does she exactly want. A few close co workers who are friends with her said that she’s already 40 and feeling lonely and that she’s extremely short tempered.

Sorry for my bad english and so much details but I hope you can get a clear picture of what i am going through now. The desperate and negative feelings i had is gone and I’m my old happy self but the things she is doing is annoying me. It seems the more i ignore her the more she wants to grab my attention. Yes i still have feelings for her as she is really a nice lady but her immature actions are actually lame. I have moved on from her but if there is a chance i really want to try to rekindle the relationship we had before and progress further. I know I made many mistakes like being short temperd and showing her my desperateness by apologizing to her 3-4x before. At the moment I’m still ignoring her but i still do greet her whenever we bump in each other at work.

I really don’t understand why is she doing this. Is she out for revenge now? Or did she regret of letting me go and trying to see what’s my response? Or is it both? I’m really confused.


Actually I am just wondering what's your issue; although you have stated clearly that you want to move on, but you still have feelings for her. I am just thinking if you are wondering if (1) you would like something to happen, but you don't know how to proceed from here or (2) you just want to avoid having this an awkward position with her?

What is your intention? Is your desire outcome still a relationship?

Or you are already moving?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 221211

Originally posted by Freakgeek:

My closest guy friend recently confessed that he likes me. He's a really nice guy, almost an ideal bf for me and although I kinda like him back, I'm at a lost of what to do..

I dont think I'll be a good gf (due to my prev rs) thus I feel unworthy of his love for me..I can get very paranoid and I'm a very insecure person. I admit I'm quite spoilt at times and I'm especially temperamental when its the time of the month. I'm neither pretty nor I'm those girls who put on make-up or dress fashionably well and I fear that I'll be more of an embarrassment for him in front of his family and friends. To put it simply, I'm not somebody whom a typical guy will fall for but he is the type of guy that maybe any girl will fall for..

I honestly fear that if we get together, he'll one day realize that I'm just somebody so ordinary/horrible and I'll end up losing him like how I lost my ex whereby we dont even talk to each other anymore, not even as friends. I treasure our friendship so much so I dont know if I should take the risk in bringing this friendship to a whole new level.

Is it even right for me to think this much? Or are my worries totally uncalled for? What will you do in my situation? Just seeking opinions out there, thanks :(



The conundrum between remaining as friends or progressing further; ultimately it is your call. The ironic fact is that the more reasons we use to justify the existence of a relationship, the less likelihood it would happen. However, I am not advocating for a 'no' - just that we have to decide what is it that we really want and make a choice. Remember this: remaining status quo through inactivity is a choice by itself.

All woman has their own insecurities; in varying degrees some ways or another. I would think that it is natural. However, if you feel that yours are slightly geared outside standard deviation, then you might want to find out the root of this insecurity, what exactly it is and how you would like to deal with them from a personal transformation point of view and not from a relational aspect.

Somehow, your post seemed to suggest that you are not worthy of him; rationally, that is the weakest form of emotional reason/s to justify a 'reject'. Well, if you like something, you just like it. It may not be a big deal to others, but hey, it's your opinion and choice. After all, beauty and love is not structured in a universal format that 'permits' certain exclusive category of people who are capable of being in love and those who are dismissed off this potential. Does not seem to work in that way.

Being in love is a self permitted right; if you decide that you are unworthy, then naturally, in your experience, you have learned that you are unloving and nothing good will ever come out of your love life.

Your belief will end up being a reality.

If having a friend is more important, then you will always find it hard to progress anything further than a bff. Because ultimately, like all things in life, there is always an element of risk. Even the best of relationship has that potential to become something sour. However, if your greatest challenge to proceed further is because you deemed yourself as unloving, then you might want to reflect on how you would want to unlearn this 'lesson' and overwrite it with a positive note.

Once you have self love; your perspective will naturally change.

Cheers

Nice Guys Flowchart

Following this logic, nice guys are at the bottom of the food chain. ROFLMAO!

Can't Stop Cheating

Interesting; TNP ran an article about the seeming stunning percentage of people who have admitted sexually cheating on their partner.

A poll of 506 Singaporean - 257 men and 249 woman were asked to describe their attitude towards sex and relationship. In the survey, it was noted that 22% of men are having affairs and 19% of woman in Singapore are unfaithful. Statistically speaking, it's about 1 in 5 for both man and woman.



Psychiatrist Tommy Tan claims that cheating is 'hardly surprising' as 'cheating is an innate quality in humans'. Surely from the biological and from the ID perspective, we could accept that as a probable explanation (I mean I use that sort of reasoning too). However, what's intriguing about this rationale is that then what has 'happened' for those who could maintain fidelity - what has developed, gain or experience which has stir away them from this innate quality?

Seemed that reasoning is not always the best defense; after all, those who have cheated knew that it was somewhat 'morally wrong' (I wouldn't go define what's morally wrong since I don't really believe in that line of reasoning - at least in relationship).

If not, then what?

P.S: Astrologically speaking, planets involving Venus, Mars, Neptune, Saturn and house involving 5th, 7th, 8th & 12th house and the energy of triplicity needs to be examined in details.

Dishonesty

Generally, we all cheat occasionally in life. By this definition of cheat, I am referring loosely to dishonesty and 'not doing what we are suppose to be doing'. It does not always exist in relationship, but manifest in other ways like peeping at friend's answer during exam, not returning 50 cent back, keeping the extra pack of MacDonald french fries given to us by mistake or even cutting queue. Though we may not technically be malicious or intentional (which would mean that we cannot constitute that strictly as 'cheating)', but you get my drift. There are times when we do the 'right' things and times we don't.

Sometimes, we don't burden our mind with such unnecessary minuscule concerns

I would find it hard for a completely honest person to exist, not because I don't believe in the concept of honesty (in fact, I do believe with fair amount of faith that honesty is sometimes the best policy), but the flesh is weak and we are generally mortals. Research has shown and proven that nobody is absolutely honest or dishonest - everyone lies in between.

However, my question is that: if your partner lied to you and was caught red-handed - what are the categorical measures that you have subconsciously internalized to decide which lies are forgivable verses the ones that are considered unatoning sins?

Or are you the one that let your emotions (sometimes illogical) sense cast the verdict, subjected highly to varied circumstances and possibly more lies?

P.S: I remember my old astrology days of detecting lies via Mercury affliction with Neptune. Hah, I should beef up my statistic skills and decide if this was empirically (and significantly) true. :)

What do you think?

Aunt Agony 101211 (continued from AA 301111)

Originally posted by Jlsky70:

i had a talk with my wife last night. It was not a pleasant talk. After i persistently asked, she finally admitted she is having affair with her colleague and it involves sex. She told me she fell in love with that guy not long after he started wooing her several months ago. He's single and 2 years younger than her. He's also her manager in the company.

I asked her why she do this and what i have done wrong to make her do this. She just said sorry to me and that it wasn't my fault. It's just that she had fallen deeply in love with that guy and willing to give up everything just to be with him. She cried too.

I was extremely sad. I was crushed. The whole world seems to be tumbling down on me. I told her then that divorce is the only way as she doesn't love me anymore and chose to be with that guy instead. She said she will agree to the divorce if i really want it but she still wants our daughter.


It must be devastating to have the whole truth thrown into your face. Though having a HTHT was indeed effective in reducing your suspicion to a conclusion, but still, it must be absolutely heartbreaking and painful when the blow was delivered.

The presence of a third party is concrete; though surely there would be a combination of both push & pull factor/s that helped to generate this unfortunate outcome, I must say that nobody is absolutely the cause. Also, when she appears to be certain that she wants to be with the other man, your stated option was helpless acquiescence. I feel you: having to let your wife go when you discovered that this love wasn't as genuine, almost like false gold with strips of the imitation material flaking out loosely like some cheap goods.

The practical component of the divorce will flow in much later; when you move into proceeding, custody and the affidavit of assets and means. However, that does not always make us feel better emotionally. Right now, I hope you could gather some good friends to share with them about your situation so that you have somebody around you for support at least. Or if you feel that you would like individual counselling to sort yourself out, you could PM me and I could direct (refer) you to the necessary resources. (Don't worry it wouldn't be me and I do not need to know your identity at all).

Please take good care of yourself.

Cheers

爱跟距离

爱情它并不是个外在物，

而是内心散发出的一种美。

即使那无形的距离

能把两个相爱的人

隔在不一样的空间

那也只不过是无用的搦战



- 云孩儿 x Jess

Aunt Agony II 301111

Originally posted by risou:

I'm 29 now, she's 27.

I was there for her when she broke up with her ex (of 7yrs), 3.5yrs ago. I was there when she decided to change her job, when her favourite pet died, when she got a chronic illness and got depression due to that. I did everything I could to make her feel loved, to be one to solve her problems, to travel via cab when going out because she needs alot of rest, because she gets fatigued easily, leading to more pain. To accompany her even if it meant travelling to and fro, myself often reaching home late.

She struggled with her pain and depression, when nobody seemed to understand what it means to be in her shoes. It is tough on her. I thought I was on the right track or at least was close to it.

She ended the r/s a month ago. Her friends and colleagues and mum and doc took her side. I know I had my failings, failings which to me could be made right given some time. But not to her, someone who thinks alot about things and usually makes negative assumptions on them, as much as I had tried to inject some positivity to her.

I am totally broken now. She has blocked me on social media. She now has her colleagues and friends' support. I don't really have any.

I really don't know what to do. My entire life revolved around her. There's nothing in my life except working, eating and sleeping now. Almost everything that I see and use are related to her in some way.

I NEED HELP. PLEASE HELP.



When you have position your entire life around a transitory figure, naturally, you are bound to be on the road to emotional destruction. It is not the risky preposition you have adopted in an absolute sense, but rather, the concept of giving yourself up (inclusive of your personal self worth) has a drastic reduction of social value, which she would often transform you into 'something else' other than the guy she first knew.

When you play the role of a boyfriend, you must understand that that is not a nurse, maid or personal assistant; the intensity of your love & care might come across as potentially choking.

Though it may appear that your writings seemed to suggest that you are more positive, subconsciously, you are likely to be negative (probably similar or worst). The seeming positive facade is somewhat ingeniously masks through overcompensating care and concern while the real insecurity nest within the core. If you were to be bluntly honest to yourself, you might actually realize that probably you care more about having to accomplish the final step to your next phase of life instead of your ex-gf per se.

Your post does not reveal anything about your stated 'failings', other than a string of narcissistic perception. Perhaps, you could post - not what you have done for her - but her chief considerations to call it quit. The picture would then be clearer.

P.S: You might have lost the relationship, but you could still keep those lessons.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 301111

Originally posted by Jlsky70:

I'm a married man with a 3 years old daughter.

I suspect that my wife is having an affair with a colleague of hers.

I realized that since several months ago, she has been spending a lot of time with her male colleague. He sends her to work and send her home from work everyday. She comes home late every night and claims that she needs to work overtime. She also goes out and only comes home late at nights or early mornings on weekends.

She spends little time at home and we seldom have time to talk. Her work also requires her to travel overseas frequently and i know that on many trips, she went with that colleague.

I'm at lost now and not sure what to do. Can someone give me some opinion or advice.

We have been married for 3 year plus and she wasn't like this in the past. She always came home early after work and seldom go out so late on weekends. She has changed quite a lot lately.

I'm still thinking of how to confront her like some of you have suggested, As for hiring of PI, i think it's a bit too much right? But i'm taking it into consideration.

She told me last night that she's going on a working trip to Penang tomorrow. I asked her who's going with her. She said a few colleagues. But i noticed she didn't look at my face when answering that and her answer didn't sound very convincing.

Then my wife had left for Penang yesterday. That male colleague of hers came to drive her to the airport. I’m not sure whether he went along. She will be there till Friday.

I haven’t got the opportunity to talk to her. I tried on Monday night, but she wasn’t paying any attention to my questions as she was busy texting on her handphone.

Nowadays , we hardly have much time to talk properly. She comes home late every night saying that she needs to work overtime. On weekends, she also goes out the whole day after breakfast at home and comes home around 9-10pm. She said her work is very stressful and she needs to go out to chill out and relax a bit. But what about me? I don’t need to relax? How about our daughter? Where is her mommy?

Last month, during the Deepavali period, she went to Taiwan for holidays from 22/10/11 to 28/10/11. She claimed that she went with “friends”. Until now I haven’t seen her holiday photos. She said that photos were taken using her friends’ camera!! She carries IPhone and brought a Nikon digital SLR there!!

It never crossed my mind to have DNA test to check whether I’m the biological father of my daughter. I never doubted because I believed that I was the only men in her life. We were together for 3 years before we got married and she was 3 month pregnant when we went to ROM to register our marriage and 5 months pregnant during Chinese wedding dinner. I love my daughter very much, and I have no intention to go for DNA test.

I’m feeling very miserable now thinking that she might be with that guy in Penang now. I’m worried about hiring PI too. What if it turns out that she is not having any affair at all? She’ll be very angry to find out I hire a PI to spy on her right? That will make matter worse right?



It must be hurting when you have strong grounds to suspect your wife having an affair with another man, especially when the logical flow of events reinforces the notion of cheating. There are many ways to know if she is having an affair, however, somehow that is still not my primary concern. Be prepared when you decide to pursuit what you probably felt as 'the truth' behind the scene' because what I am concerned about is the aftermath.

What will happen after you corroborates your suspicion with facts?

Structurally, the relationship has all factors pointing towards some dire breakdown; nonexistent communication and apt towards an individualistic lifestyle. In fact, the start of the marriage was somewhat 'coerced' - with greater consideration towards the unborn child before marriage.

You may be ready psychologically and emotionally for your marriage, but this remains a question for her. And albeit she may be ready for the marriage, she might not be ready to be a mother and lead a family-centric life.

Agreeing to be married does not answer this question; just like pregnancy does not automatic make mothers out of women.

***

You are entitled to know the truth that veils behind her seemingly 'busy' lifestyle - but before you go about confronting her and ask honestly (or hire a PI); you might want to assume the worst scenario (which is yes she is cheating on you) and reflect on why this marriage has gone wayward because it would help you to craft out the content to engage a HTHT with her to see if this marriage is still salvageable.

P.S: A perfectly satisfied woman cannot be seduced; surely there is some unmet needs that is being fulfilled by the other guy. Knowing/confirming that she is seeing/being close (physically or emotionally) to another guy does not provide you the insights of what went wrong with your marriage.

You know that you have not been talking; make that happen and see how it goes.

Cheers

Art of Rejection

The art of rejection is depended largely on progressive fatality. If a regressive model is adopted instead, then the pursuer will read it as a sign of passion (or weakness) and would pounce on you even harder.

You Are the Apple of My Eye (那些年，我們一起追的女孩)

I caught a midnight show (Apple of my Eye); wanted it partly because of social reasons and the huge influx of positive comments scattered across my FB wall by people who posted it on their status update, raving about how good the film is.

I watched and here are my thoughts: it was a funny-good show, though imho I don't think it was anything extraordinary (but hey, I guess it was intentional). The general theme is about flashback & regrets, portrayed in a simple way, which I reflected and thought that I would actually love the film if I was much younger. Categorically speaking, this film would likely to appeal to four kinds of people:

i) People who experienced regret in relationship and are now in the 'moving-on (or moved on) stage' already.

ii) People who are largely sentimental, apt to fall back on past memories or generally have a happier past relationship, which they now do not possess.

iii) People who are/were playing the script of the 'we-can't-be-together-but-I-wish-you-all-the-best-from-the-bottom-of-my-heart' role.

iv) Romantic fans who love all kinds of romance/love movies.

The show idolize the concept of 'waiting' with 'greater-good love'. Somehow the two condition could be artistically enmeshed without difficulty from a film's perspective, but in reality, such combination often reeks of misery for people suffering from such predicament. The subtle message is in fact more important (if anyone caught it): that we must eventually move on at some point in our life, even if there are regrets we cannot resolve completely. The male lead kissing the groom at the end was explained as part of his perceived quirky personality, which she knew since secondary school days. Though it was a projection of his hidden affection, he did nothing to her and there was space in between them talking - it symbolize mutual respect and boundary.

The film perspective centered largely from the male lead, which he had unfinished business and his female lead, seemingly sharing this unfinished business with him - albeit she has already agreed to marry the man who would take care of her for the rest of his life. In reality, the brides at their wedding would have no recollection of such past at the moment when they don their wedding dress. In fact, the fatigue of preparation would preoccupy most of their concern. Also, the female perspective is largely missing (since it is 九把刀 reflection of his teenage years, he would not know what is truly going on in the mind of his crush): juxtapose similar context in reality, any woman would have already moved a distance so far in her love life that this episode, no matter how poignant and dramatic, would have been cast aside into the depth of her subconscious, only to resurface briefly during random all girls' night and talks.

In reality, a woman/man would acknowledge the affection that she/he has in the past, but that is probably all about it.

No intense kisses. No meteor. No rainbow. No nothing.

My conclusion?

Find your own lead in life to begin writing chapters of your love life and not wasting it by indulging in relationship that was never meant to be yours in the first place. It may seemed glorious to revel in those 'unmeant' relationship, but it is meaningless when you become far too self absorbed in attaching meaning to something has already cease to exist.

Then it becomes an obsession and no longer possess the quality of love.

My Personal Education beyond 2012

I have decided how I want to steer my personal learning for 2012 and beyond.

Since four years back, I have never stopped studying; by right, I should be celebrating my new found freedom in the exciting year of 2012, but I realized that I am so accustomed to such intense pace and mode of learning that I actually find it degenerating if I dropped that entirely. Yet the prospect of chasing paper, exams and assignments is not something sexy to me. It fact, it turns me off.

I figured that I hate studying - I only like learning.

Furthermore, the only discipline I would really love to study is Philosophy, but it has prerequisite of a full time commitment and such price tag is just not possible practically.

I reflected and figured that I could actually secure a middle way through this: I could chart my own personal education through self discipline and personalization, by deciding (1) what I want to learn, (2) narrow it, (3) force implement period of time to read and learn (4) and most importantly: (5) persist. The greatest challenge for such 'self education' is really: how the phuck are you going understand the technicality of certain 'chim' theory if you don't understand and there is nobody to ask?

Then I must depend on my own social capital, network and the vast internet to seek the answers I need. Honestly, I don't really think it is the answer that is crucial, but the process of me finding that answer is the training I want to put myself into, since I do not have exams and assignments to 'evaluate' my own education, then my self-seeking spirit and drive to grasp knowledge in this manner would be a hundred times more effective.

After all, I self taught astrology - I could use the same method on how I achieve that to achieve this - albeit it's on a much larger scale.

I will work out details and present it to myself by Dec 2011. :)

Watch this Space

Sorry for the lack of updates - it has truly been a arduous and busy period for Yunnie.

I am going probably going to have major revamp on this blog very soon after 12 Nov 2011.

Watch this space. :)

Aunt Agony 250511

Originally posted by henshin:

Hi, guys. I had a problem that I got no one to turn to because it’s also relatively complicated to my friends to help me too, so I seek your help or advice in the aid of solving the problem. Some may still remember my “age gap” thread, but I’ll explain it again here.It’s a relationship problem and it’s really difficult for me to solve it. Let’s refer this girl as J.

I knew her for almost 4 years, all started that she joined the martial arts club I was in too. During that time I was a trainee and so had a lot of time to chat with her during training or the break in between. Soon I realized that I fell for her, I started to look out for her. Some time later, I had a chat with her and soon confessed. May be because of the 5 years age gap we had and may be her family problem too (yeah, I shouldn’t had fall for her at that age, but it happened), we agreed that we wait for another 3 years before we get together. Now here comes the first stupid thing I did back then, I said that I don’t mind if she found a guy better than me within this 3 years, but she must tell me honestly and she agreed to it.

After the “3 years promise” we remained as very good friends, even my coach and friends had noticed how close that me and her had become. Everything was ok until like 6 months after making the promise, I started to notice that she had posted a lot of status about love on other social website. I couldn’t help but to start getting paranoid and suspicious. One day I finally asked her whether is that she had a boyfriend outside there? Initially she said no, but after much persuasion, she finally admitted that she indeed had one outside without my knowing. I know that we are not a couple yet and it really hurt me a lot, she even mentioned that she treated me like a brother all the while. I was destroyed the moment she said that, I wonder if that’s the case, why would she make the promise along with me. It’s the only time I’ve made promise to a special girl and ever since then, no girls had gave me the feeling that she gave me.

Ever since that day, my heart as if it has died. I could no longer find anything interesting, thus I devoted myself in school work and martial arts training at that time.

After a month or 2, I realized that she broke off with her boyfriend, whom I had no idea who is it. But I never thought of woo-ing her again until one day in the late 2009, she asked me out to take a neoprint. I was shocked as I never really take a neoprint before, let alone with a girl alone. We had a good chat that day and finally parted ways as she need to go home and I’m meeting another group of friends.

Following that neoprint taking, we slowly chat like how we used to in the past when I woo-ing her. We began to get close like how we used to again, my coach noticed it and hint me that the line of a trainer and a trainee must be clear, but I don’t really care because during training, I am too busy in teaching the others. (I was a black belt at that point of time)

We carried on like that for some time, then I finally had the first date with her, it’s watching a movie. I am very nervous at that time and I almost unable to talk well in front of her. Not only the date, we also like gave each other something. She once gave me a pudding which she made it herself. A lot of my friends told me it’s a good sign, but some also said it’s a different idea. Of course, I made her a cake as well and she liked it.

There was once which that I’m meeting her to give her the birthday present I had for her, it’s a watch. I realized that her aunt (who is taking care of her since she grow up in a single parents family) was giving me the look like scanning me from head to toe. Even her older brother was doing the same thing. Other than the birthday gift, I also folded her 13 roses as I can’t afford that much roses during the valentine’s day. The message more or less was very clear, I want to woo her again.

Several times we talked about this, but she never actually faced it directly. Always saying that she needs time to think. So a week before the enlistment day, I asked her again. She said she did give it a thought of being together as a couple, but she said it might be better to stay it that way, she can’t imagine us being together. It’s another shock to me, which also caused me to almost had a depression during the confinement week. We made it clear that we should remains as very good friend and here’s the second stupid promised that I’ve made to her, I’ll never leave her. My friends once again scolded me for doing so, but I feel that she’s that special for me to do so.

During my time in BMT, I spent a lot of time talking to her whenever it’s possible. Although it’s all through sms, but I like to chat with her, it always bring a smile to my face.

Nothing really happen until recently, when I go back to army after my surgery. We started talking, again, like how we used to when I’m trying to woo her. Talking about relationship and stuff. Although it’s not as good as what the previous 2 times were, but it sure felt like it’s slowly progressing into repeating it’s history. Recently, I just made the 3rd promise which my friends thought it’s stupid, I thought her that if no one takes care of her, I will.

I think the feeling I felt for her has beyond the feeling of “like”, I’m not sure how it felt like of “love”, but I’m just very happy talking to her. I don’t deny that until now, I still had to feeling, I can’t help but to think that she’s the only girl for me. This thing had been going on for 3 years and reaching 4 years soon. Last month, I went to a fortune teller with kelvin and terry, the master said that the girl for my life already appeared, but the timing is not ripe yet. This was the same thing being told to me when I go to goddess of mercy temple before I enlist to 求簽, the girl is already here, but not the right time yet.

What I don’t know is what should I do to this relationship? I can’t bring myself to like other girl because I know I will regret. But my friends told me if I do so, I will be wasting my time and youth. What should I do? Thanks for listening to me and this wall of text, hope to hear from you guys.


How glamorous it is to romanticize your affection - each time with greater intensity and stake. Beneath that miasma of words that drowns you so deep in your seeming unattainable love is a terribly self indulging fantasy, lyrically synonymous to several of Jay Chou-like songs.

You are not stuck a in limbo of love - rather, it is this narcissistic addiction to these meaningless promises that keep you going. You are symbolically in love with these attachments - you add with a dosage of mystical element like 'the girl is here but not the right time', it simply perpetuate your bondage to this karmic relationship.

The truth is that you don't have a position of a boyfriend. Nevermind. So you create new positions: (1) Three years promise friend, (2) never leave you promise friend, (3) I will take care of you promise friend (almost like SM, MM and ESM).

The real question is that does she really need your promises to carry on life well? Or do you subconsciously instill such promises, so as to carry on this mindless affection because deep inside, you don't want to give up this fantasy?

It is likely to be the latter.

P.S: Unless one can peer through the cloud of delusion, this obsession will likely to entrench you in this karmic whirlpool. There is nothing to solve; there are only perspectives to understand.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 120511

Originally posted by MilkyZ

Hi Guys.. I Need Help Here.. My Girlfriend And I Broke Up.. She Wants to broke up with me.. saying she wanted to be single, she said she dont have much feelings for me.. we been tgt for 1 yr 3 months, broke up on the day after her birthday.. i was so sad and depressed.. cause during those days, she known a guy for 4 days, and she is interested in that guy. broke up with me after knowing that guy for about a week.. after we break up for 8 days. she is tgt with that guy.. until its been 1 month since we broke up. i read all post and i inititated no contact till now. hoping she will miss me and contact me.. but she didnt contact or txt me at all.. like she nv even miss me ?? i still got check her fb sometimes.. i can't help it.. the feelings still there.. is not easy to get over with.. both of them , their facebook profile keep having those loving messages and stuffs.. and now she put into a relationship with that guy.. she said she wanted TO B E SINGLE !? is she lying to me ?! That time we talk which is our last talk where the break up comes.. she said if i love her i should let her go ! cause she wanted to be single so i let her go cause i still love her.. but now i still think of her and want her back.. she is my 1st love and i still have feelings for her.. guys . what should i do to make her miss me and regret it ??And i just saw her facebook uploaded the both of them, their pictures.. the kissing and hugging parts.. fucking fucked up.. the guy is even worse looking than me.. i really had nothing to say..

Hmm Guys.. I nv treated Her Badly.. ?? I Know myself I treated her damn good.. i also did go for work.. i even bought her a lot of things.. and especially her birthday.. even i left $300 i spend almost $200 +..

Even her friends are all touched by me when i give her the final blow which is an SK jewellry necklace.. ALL her friends said that i am very good to her.. Best to her.. And They All Helped Me Saying my Ex.. I Just Dun Know What Is So Attractive About That Guy.. An ITE With a Gpa of 3.0 .. Face Like Gay.. Pie Kia.. Long Hair.. Zz..

Just That He started Learning Martial Arts ?? And During inside that 1 week .. my ex chiong cab down to clarke just to meet that guy for half an hour.. And I Confirmed That she know that guy 1 week only during that time cause she work at CANON for 4 days nia.. That's How She Knew Him.. Guys I seriously Dun Understand Why She Changed So Fast ?? I Am Also Her 1st love.. how can she so easily moved on ?? This Feeling Really Fucked Up Siazz.. Is Not I wanna Be EMO or sad.. i just keep thinking and missing her when i don't want to !!

any guys can advices or help out ??


Sometimes, I wondered if the reasons given are important to process the break up or the break up itself is a reason suffices to decide that probably this person is not really the one to begin with. You have two prominent issues; (1) you are grieving over the lost of your 1 year odd relationship, (2) you are angry over the fact that she ended up with someone else almost instantly after breaking up with you.

To grief over a lost relationship is natural; the epiphany is almost as if a part of you died along with your divine soul and it can be witnessed in your daily functioning activities (e.g. mourning for the lost, no one to meet up over the weekends, nobody to hold hands, etc). Most people detest major changes because relationship often seek to maintain its homeostasis - simply refers to its 'natural balance' where status quo prevail over possible new changes, in which some level of uncomfortable adjustment has to be made and be accommodated.

Your anger seemed justified; with facebook pictures depicting her new relationship in intimate poses; certainly it can be hard for anyone to accept it in a point-blank fashion. The additional frustration also adds weight as you relate how nicely you treated her, despite making personal sacrifices. The attempt was futile in saving the relationship though, but honestly, a part of me wonders how much of the relationship is actually salvageable in the first place.

When someone is diagnosed with final stage pancreatic cancer (most fatal type of cancer); chances are, death is inevitable. The knowledge of being diagnosed as pancreatic cancer (category type) in its final stage (time frame) makes load of difference as compared to another who is only told that he is clinically suffering from cancer. If you know that you have no chance of being cured, you will probably try to improve the quality of your life because that is probably the only way you could end on a higher note given the same outcome.

What I am trying to say is that for your case: ‘death’ has already occurred. Understandably, the reason of death means little to our emotional mind because it is as painful as it could get for anyone to lose someone they love. It is indeed a struggle to move along. However the question remains for you: what level of note would you want to end for yourself?

If you know that the breakup is due to the absence of love; is this something that you perceive you could do ‘something’ about it to get it back?

Could you force love out of someone who doesn’t have it anymore?

Even if you could – will it turn out to be the same?

Cheers

Fight Alone

I wondered if I am getting cynical or just being binomial in my emotions

I am acquiring some form of natural immunity towards any variation of 'happy' stimuli - it seemed that many things that ought to make me happy (or I would generally think it should) don't really affect me in a very big way anymore. I am a natural positive person - but positive and happiness is two separate things.

Statistics just reminded me that in my life I fight alone. After all, I was left fending for myself in the past - and even in my worst state of abandonment, I overcame that.

I am a fighter; I never yield to circumstances. I merely change the terrain and continue fighting.

Aunt Agony 110211

Originally posted by Simple Annie:

My marriage has been a sad one.Hubby and I dun talk much. Was kind of an arranged marriage.We cannot divorce. We stayed married on as we have 2 small kids. Lately, I met my ex and we had a walk & talk. He is getting married .I felt happy for him and at the same time, I could not help thinking of those times we had loved each other deeply.I feel so envious and at the same time, I kind of miss his love for me. We did not marry then as he was 3 years younger and was not well-off enough.My family wanted me to be with my hubby then.

It is so sad to be in a loveless marriage. I wish I can die.



There will come a time where we cannot abnegate our power to make our own decision to external forces just because ‘it has always been this way.’ You are an adult – biologically old enough to have your own children. It would have been different if you were a child, but even a child suffers the consequences of his/her ignorant acts. Regardless of reasoning, the outcome of today's circumstance is but an effect of choice/s made.

You have your own rights to decide the life you want to live. As much as this is an arranged marriage, things manifest the way it did because part of your agreement to whatever decision that was made just unfold itself, like logical scenes in your ‘love story’ thus far (albeit not a happy one). For relationship is a voluntary arrangement between two people to come together in a union; a marriage merely legalize this deal.

There is a central perspective in your post, coupled with a number of what I call 'absolute thinking values'. I will address them individually below:

Central to your thoughts is likely to be as such: you seemed to believe that things are probably fixed. You are married. You have two children and probably seemed like a 'happy family' outside. Making any decision to possibly ruin this will immediate equate to an act of blasphemy or treason.

The absolute thinking values are:

i) We cannot divorce.

You are employing the same flow of logics once again and then I would causally ask why 'cannot?' Of course I know there are good reasons to remain status quo and I would have easily share the same thoughts - however in reality, regardless of what those reasons are, basically, what happens is that you have made an active commitment by opting for 'the choice to remain in the relationship' as compared to 'we cannot divorce'.

You might think that I am talking about the same thing, but it is actually not. I will explain in my next point:

ii) It is so sad to be in a loveless marriage.

It probably degenerated into a loveless marriage. Like a house, if we don't regularly clean it, dust will start accumulating and we all know too well what will happen shortly. You probably thought that this relationship first begins 'without romantic love' and hence it will surely lead to a loveless marriage. But I must say that it is part of your belief association that self prophesize into reality.

If you combine 'cannot divorce' with 'loveless marriage' - basically, it is sure ingredient for a miserable perspective. But eventually from (i), if you deemed that it is a choice that you choose to stay, then naturally you also have a choice to do something about your loveless marriage.

I am not advocating for a stay/bye bye position in your marriage - what I want to point out is that there is this shade of grey that you could look into - if you wished for a more fulfilling relationship. Certainly, you have already made your choice; turning your shoulders to see how far your past has been is definitely not helpful to you in a forward looking perspective.

P.S: I have contact for an upcoming marital workshop for couples 5 years or less into their matrimony. It is not conducted by me, but if you are interested, you can PM me for more information.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 080211

Originally posted by PurpleGiraffe:

I'm not sure whether I should even be serious with this forum. I shall just try my luck here and see what I can get.

I've broke up with my ex of 5 years. It's been 10 months. And feelings of guilt never really left me. Sometimes when I come across stuffs that he gave me, memories of us will start to come by and I'll start to tear.. Sometimes I really wonder the reason behind why I'm tearing. Was it because I'm starting to miss this person or was I feeling guilty? That after all these years of him treating me so well, I just have to leave him.

He was actually a very nice person to me. He paid attention to my needs. He took really good care of me. He bought presents for me, things that I couldn't really afford since I was then a student. He wasn't some rich kid either. His pay was meager, probably sufficient for his living expenses. Savings were just barely much. But he just wanted the best for me, he would get me gifts cause he knew that the gift would make me happy, no matter how much it costs. These only showed he's not a person who just showers you with presents, but also with whatever he can afford, he'll give the best to you. That's how nice he is. He treats his parents and friends well too. He's a filial son. His nature of work requires him to work long hours with little pay. Whichever job he chooses, he just wished that he could fork out the time to spend time with me after work.

But I still felt something's lacking between us.. Something called chemistry and the kind of emotional communication and engagement through verbal words. What's lacking between us is like we tend to attend to our physical needs but our emotional side of it seemed to have been neglected. Some of my emotional problems where how much I wished I could pour it to him, somehow weren't really well-received. I've tried to pour the kind of what I term as my emotional communication to him, but the responses I get from him could only be this much. I just wanted him to understand me more, understand how I'm feeling inside more. Why did it seem to be so hard? Maybe people might say that some people are just not good at words. I totally agree with it. But I really think communication between a couple is really important to sustain the relationship for the rest of our journey. This is something that was really lacking in that relationship and I really felt very terrible carrying on, with thoughts that I really wouldn't want

to be someone who doesn't really understand me in my heart. My emotional needs. I did try telling him the kind of emotional needs that I wanted.. But 5 years.. I just still didn't seem to get it from the relationship that I decided to end it. I really want to start my pursuit of my so called happyness.

Can someone tell me if I was wrong? I mean there's no turning back. I just want to clear what I'm really feeling inside.

Some of the money that I used to owe him, should I return it back to him? Or should I just let go and forget about it? Money to him is pointless already..? I don't know.


It seemed that you have come a long way before you call it quit. To execute such a decision wouldn't be easy for anyone in your shoes and it must have been a struggle internally.

You said he attended to your needs - but somehow I sense slight discrepancy in your post: perhaps in reality, what he has fulfilled are merely 'less qualitative' needs that may be important, but not essentially critical. It seemed to me that you have a deeper need that remained unsettled and he doesn't appear to understand how to go about addressing it.

Since you have already moved along, here are some questions for you to ponder over:

i) What exactly constitute your emotional needs? Would you be able to describe what exactly are you looking for, instead of lumping everything under the category of 'emotional needs'?

ii) You pinpointed the singular cause of the failed attempt to understand your emotional needs to the lack of mutually communication. What exactly caused this lack of communication? Was the relationship like that when you first started out?

iii) What is the symbolic representation in the act of returning him money? What does the act mean to you?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 300111 (continued from AA 290111)

Originally posted by Naive Bayes:

What you say does make sense..I am gaining perspectives, but I am still kind of stucked in that position. Though I understand that only I can really heal the emotional wounds inside, I am not very sure of the methodologies to cope with it. Perhaps, you could elaborate or give some suggestions on how I can deal with the internal festering wounds?

Sometimes I feel that it is more of gaining acceptence of myself and trying to forgive myself, rather than to get the person to forgive me. There were also times where I was afraid that there is an underlying latent issue at the back of my head that is much more serious.Sometimes, it could just be a case in which I simply think too much.

So have I created an illusion that has been fooling my own emotions all this while? If that is the case, how can I get my own subconcience to accept it all.

I would like to break out of this, and share my experience with everyone else. There are many people like me, who couldn't let go and I would hope that my analysis of myself through here could give pointers to the rest of the world out there.

To angel: Thanks to you too. Your sense of humour does raise my spirits indirectly.



Recently, I have a number of cases who asked me the same question - it is all good when we give ourselves rational reasons why we should/need to move on. It's all good really; just that the problem arises only when our emotions fail to move as fast as our mind and creates a discrepancy within that revealed a huge distance gap that caused this inconsistency.

Think about your emotion as the speed of driving a truck and your mind as a sports car. Sometimes, the more we push our mind to 'get over and done with it' - it resulted in a severe backlash and we relapse constantly because both entities are basically travelling at two extreme speed and there is minimum effort in reconciling. Ultimately, both entities belong to one body, so like it or not, you got to deal with it.

Humans are ritualistic creatures - meaning, we sometimes seek to exhibit irrational actions or behaviours in enabling us for a closure or putting an end to a particular chapter in our life. It is quite evitable that you have yet to come in terms with the way the circumstances has turn out for you, thus understanding what it takes to bring you to your eventual destination is pretty much critical for you to move along.

There is a reason why I coin this as a 'ritual' because ritual are purely human construct to symbolize certain experience. For example, we perform funeral rites for people who are dead - it acts as a form of closure. Obviously from a scientific point of view, when a person's biological body fails to function, the person is already dead. The funeral, from a pure scientific view, is a redundant act because the 'end' has already ended.

Hence, what sort of 'ritual' do you need to perform before the chapter can begin to close gradually? You said self forgiveness - so what needs to happen before self forgiveness can take place? If it means doing 'seeming' stupid things like 'needing to say what you need to say to her' - contrary to popular belief, I would say just do it if you know it brings about this effect, which is closer to your goal of achieving self closure.

Take it easy when you approach the subject of recovery because the pace of healing is truly relative. It's normal to falter randomly during recovery period - after all, these experiences are there to let us learn something about love, so that we can grow as a person.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 290111

Originally posted by Naive Bayes:

I have been lurking around for some time here, and I have an issue that has been bugging me for almost a year. I do not have anybody close enough that I can relate to, so I guess this is the next best place to voice my emotions.

I killed a friendship I had with a lady a year back. This lady was really somebody I truely treasured, but I killed the friendship because I had unwittingly fell in love with her and said things that should have been left unspoken. As a result, she wasn't too pleased with me, and I have been avoided ever since.

I know that the correct thing for me to do is to move on. I have tried to convince myself that all I am feeling, was just an obsession and not true love. I have tried to push my thoughts away by focusing on my work and trying to participate in activities with other friends. When I am busy, I would not reminiscence about the past and I would try to keep to a cheerful facade. But sometimes, at night, when I am lying down in my bed, these thoughts would come creeping towards me and I would be burdened by regrets of the things I did in the past.

I believe in freewill, that I have no control about what other people feel about me. I can't force a person to come back to me nor can I control anyone's action. I also believe that there is no point crying about spilt milk. But despite all the rules and safe guards I have placed in my life, I turned myself into a victim of my own emotions. Here I am, crying about spilt milk that has probably turned sour by now.

I have thought that time heals all wounds. Sometimes it does, but sometimes the wound seems to reopen again. For a period of time, I felt great. But suddenly, my mind is bleeding again.

I am not asking for any help, probably just a listening ear. I have enough I keeping this to myself, and I am trying to let this post be an avenue to purge out this negative emotions.

Thanks for reading.



It must have been a painful decision - to 'straighten up' an ambivalent situation with an absolute decision. Perhaps it wasn't the best decision you have given to yourself, but ultimately, the ego was probably so badly damaged that at that point of time that it might be the only maneuver you could attempt to exercise.

It would be easier on your emotion if you could learn to release yourself from the positioning your decision with morality - namely, a 'good' or 'bad' move. Logically, you tried to reason out with yourself as you figured that it wasn't the outcome you envisioned and tried to adopt a philosophy that best adapt to this outcome. I am not saying that this is bad coping (we all have different ways to cope with negative outcome), just that the cause of why old wounds are reopening again is because you attended to your wounds superficially by pasting plasters all over your injuries, while your real core festers insidiously within.

What's rotting inside cuts and split the flesh apart, reeking emotional tunes of your wistful past.

You have not reached to an acceptance stage, although you experienced a shift in momentum; this is akin to you standing at the same position, merely turning your direction from east to west. Yes you get to see new things, but you are in the same spot - all the time actually. You turn from west to north; same stuff.

Perhaps a good question you might want to ask yourself "what could you do to help you move towards the stage of acceptance?"

Cheers

Aunt Agony 180111

Originally posted by Yingjunmingz:

okay, i have a gf for 1 1/2 years now. and from the start until now, she have never treated me nice or right.But in the past i usually tolerated it, for i love her alot and i believe deep down she loves me too, but now, im emotionally drained.

In the beginning, while she was with me, she kept thinking of her ex-bf and need him to stay by her side like SMS her meet her often etc. to the extend of sending him i miss you so much kinda msges. At those times i wanted to leave, but she kept holding me back, saying she need me as well. We quarreled and fought over this but in the end, she gave him up, in that romantic kind of way. but they are neutral friends now.

After that issue, i thought everything was going to be fine but it was just the beginning. As we grew closer, her true colours came out. She would attitude me or not respond to me talking to her for absolutely no reason or for minor reasons like for eg. me giving her the wrong color of the towels or if i cant hear what she is saying cause sometimes she talks really dam soft. We have occasional quarrels over this and the cycle always goes like this. She starts throwing tantrum > me Confronting her > She throws even bigger longer tantrums > until i have to apologize and wait for 3-7days til she cools down.

Then, she got a part time job at the same company as me, but different working locations. Every morning, she would throw tantrum and give attitude because i am not ready preparing, or prepare slower than her every morning (She lives with me). and the reason she gives is I didnt pack her bag for her, or she is tired sleepy. Until i had enough, i started feeling numb and not giving a dam. but she noticed my change, i really wanted a clean break but she kept threatening me with suicide and stuff like that and kept forcing me to take off to accompany her but i really cant.until i quitted my job as i cannot take the pressure.

After that incident, feeling guilty of the way i treated her during the phase in the above paragraph, i treated her even better than i used to, and no confrontation nothing if she starts her nonsense. i just 'bao rong' embrace her. And she had never done anything for me before, even if i ask her to pass me a tissue something like that. this continued until recently.

Today. For the past week she've been throwing tantrums in the morning, like that period of time she went to work (now shes studying) and throwing tantrums after school for being tired. i really cant take this anymore. until a few days ago, i couldnt take off on her off day(from private school), she started contacting her another ex-bf whom they had a physical r/s with. meaning just sexual. I couldnt take it. As i do not have any evidence, (she would say, we are just friends what now.) i cant say anything, but because of me not being able to accompany her for one day. she have to do this to me. Dear forummers, what should i do????


SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLS...question lies with the choice itself


You have intense vested interest in this relationship and certain 'profit & lost' perspective kinda reduced your consideration in deciding to walk out of the relationship. Surely it's natural to feel or demand ROI for all the 'love equity' we have invested in, but sometimes love is not just about time, effort, money or sacrifices (though these are important qualities).

I will brutely honest: as much as you have painted yourself an exiguous picture of a victim suppressed by his gf - there are also significant returns you are getting out of this - a 'familiar' relationship of 20 months living together and probably regular sex. Seemed like you are experiencing poignant frustration and your so called 'sacrifices' are somewhat 'a bad trade off', which you probably find that this deal might be 'overvalued' and you paying more than the initial forecast.

Therefore, even subjected to overwhelming trivial nonsenses hurled by her, or greater issues with her ex, you quietly accept the outcome (although not without protest or reluctancy).

Blatantly, you are not happy in this relationship. But you accepted anyway.

Her series of tests are not random; these are exhibited because the men before you largely conditioned her to believe that it is her prerogative to behave as such; in simple, she is 'rewarded' in some ways for displaying bad attitude and reinforced by unconscious habit and personality - changing that might be akin to moving mountains. You can start by taking away small stones, but chances are, you might have died of heatstroke before you can witness transformation.

You have to decide if this is an issue with compatibility or you are simply staying put because of habitual reasoning. Only then, you will know what you want to do about it and figure out your plans on how to go about executing it.

Cheers

Feeling Unworthy?

I would think that today's dialogue has come to some interesting (though not surprising) conclusion, which I would like share:

Nobody can make us feel unworthy unless we give them to permission to do so.

I would think that it is only normal for one to feel extremely screwed up after a break up and honestly, the 'natural' direction our thoughts would automatically lead us is usually the point about us probably being 'fucked up', hence the 'punishment' of being ditched or cheated on is 'acceptable', especially if the separation was initiated by the other person or if he/she cheated on you with someone else.

This inward directed self blame does insane amount of damage to ourselves because we fail to comprehend the reason for the perishment, thus resorting to us thinking that we must be unlovable. CloUdiSm would have think that the end of our cosmic lessons in love naturally brings about the death of the relationship, which is slightly different from the fatalistic perspective because there is a accounted reason/s and not conceding to the rationale of 'what will be, will be'.

When there is no more life, naturally there will be no more breath. Life is an essence, not something that you can 'see' or capture it in a bottle. Yet it is critical, in some ways, that keeps our mortality 'alive'. Thus in my framework, cosmic lesson represent the life that maintains the relationship and when you complete them, it dies and leaves behind a tale we termed as memories.

Some changes are critical for our own growth and may seemed to be negative as first, but take comfort in the fact that the darker the night, the brighter the dawn.

Sometimes we need to lose first, in order to win.

Go with the Flow

We don't win every battle in life. Sometimes it is just the way it is - not to delegate the responsibility to external locus of control by chance, but sometimes, you just don't have the macro advantage to get to where you want to go and micro advantages may not have enough firepower to push through.

Someone mention about taking a break - I think it makes greater sense to me right now. I really need a break from all this shit because I have never stopped trying to restore my original functioning level by sheer brute strength. And trying to move against the tide is way too ineffective.

Geri spoke about the flow. I know what she meant.

I have lost a large component of my own identity that perished with the ship that sunk, with the last burning memory of having to witness my co-sailor escaping the doomed ship by a speed boat to another ship.

My co-sailor had a contingency plan. I never - I had no alternative route. I died when the ship gets swallowed by the sea. I couldn't swim. Death was inevitable.

I need to find back this divine soul that was lost. I shall devote the entire 2011 to do just that.

Yunhaier - you will need to find yourself back.

Aunt Agony 271110

Originally posted by rouko:

I am with her for 3 years already and she thinks we will get married. But after this relationship with her I found out that I’m gay and I’m very sure now. She is a stunning beauty but I can’t seem to get on bed with her each time she suggests we do it I tried but I have little feeling compared to when I fantasize about guys. I still love my gf but I feel it’s not fair to lead her on since I am sure of my sexual orientation now. How should I tell her this?


Certainly, it must have been a shocking to any partner on the receiving end for such devastating news. For a gay person to engage in a heterosexual relationship is actually quite common as the revelation will sink in after they realized that they are not sexually attracted to their partner, which will spark a reflective, introspection journey that end up with your kind of conclusion.

I think your relationship with her will eventually deplete its meaning because this new found knowledge about yourself will make this equation an error, serving nobody's needs.

Telling her honestly will likely to be met with denial and bitterness. You must anticipate that pain is inevitable - it depends on how swift the cut you want to deliver, instead of dragging this doom relationship further into some illusion of grandeur.

Cheers

Philosophy and Love

Philosophy in love? Can eat or not?

Though there are many school of thoughts (and much as you may not be consciously thinking about such things, we all have our own philosophy in Love) and philosophically speaking, I would think that most people generally fall under these two main categories - in terms of perspective (ignoring the others for now). They are:

Monism and Dualism.

I kind of figured that people are daunted by words that sounded deep, but essentially, words are merely our way of expressing ideas into something intelligible that could be understood mutually by someone else. And many times, people don't realized that a significant part of their behaviors and way of processing thoughts about their relationship are actually fueled by their own fundamental philosophy in love, which actually give rise to certain phenomenon and circumstances unique to them and their love life.


Monism
the monist subscribe to the philosophy that love means two-becoming-one. Essentially, they see that when you have a relationship, both parties blend into the relationship and become one entity. There is no distinctive separation between the man and the woman for both has to sacrifice individualism (or change) to keep the relationship alive. Conflict occurs because of the 'push-pull' effect - due to the lack of understanding and compromising - which affect the harmony of the relationship. The relationship is the highest good. Some manifest effect of such belief is probably the thinking that couple should always spend their time together or the extreme devastation of severing this 'entity' when a breakup occur.

Dualism
The dualist believes that relationship is two-coming-together. Man and woman are made differently and maintain that love is but two willing separate strangers coming together to form a relationship. Conflicts arise because Man are from Mars and Woman from Venus. Ideally, working through conflicts involves compromising, which is the key in maintaining relationship without losing individualism. Dualist maintain that it is important to keep personal self strong and our personality is the highest good. Some manifest effect could probably fall under the thinking that platonic friendship between ex-lovers are possible or differences in personality actually complements the relationship.

At the end of the day, our own philosophy in love does evolve from experience and oscillate between these two main school of thoughts, depending on the development of our love journey. However, these two perspectives are still generally one-sided and does not provide adequate coverage to the complexity of a relationship and how it could positively grow beyond its limits. Therefore, they must be some middle way to these two extreme.

Therefore CloUdism adopts a nondualism perspective.

Nondualism
The Nondualist believes that the relationship is a result of the combination of both parties, yet maintaining that these two people are distinctively different. Relationship to a nondualist is two-but-not-two. Nondualist maintain individualism, yet eradicates malicious habits as a result of individualism that is harmful for the relationship. The nondualist maintain trust, yet care enough to keep close to the relationship. Conflict arises because both individuals and relationship are not maintaining nondualistic perspective and suffer from issues of the either extreme. Both the relationship and our personality shared the same level of good. Manifest effect of such thinking probably influence the belief that a supportive relationship is crucial (overlapping of social/gender roles) or to respect an individual's past and work towards a common future.