Aunt Agony 080211

Originally posted by PurpleGiraffe:

I'm not sure whether I should even be serious with this forum. I shall just try my luck here and see what I can get.

I've broke up with my ex of 5 years. It's been 10 months. And feelings of guilt never really left me. Sometimes when I come across stuffs that he gave me, memories of us will start to come by and I'll start to tear.. Sometimes I really wonder the reason behind why I'm tearing. Was it because I'm starting to miss this person or was I feeling guilty? That after all these years of him treating me so well, I just have to leave him.

He was actually a very nice person to me. He paid attention to my needs. He took really good care of me. He bought presents for me, things that I couldn't really afford since I was then a student. He wasn't some rich kid either. His pay was meager, probably sufficient for his living expenses. Savings were just barely much. But he just wanted the best for me, he would get me gifts cause he knew that the gift would make me happy, no matter how much it costs. These only showed he's not a person who just showers you with presents, but also with whatever he can afford, he'll give the best to you. That's how nice he is. He treats his parents and friends well too. He's a filial son. His nature of work requires him to work long hours with little pay. Whichever job he chooses, he just wished that he could fork out the time to spend time with me after work.

But I still felt something's lacking between us.. Something called chemistry and the kind of emotional communication and engagement through verbal words. What's lacking between us is like we tend to attend to our physical needs but our emotional side of it seemed to have been neglected. Some of my emotional problems where how much I wished I could pour it to him, somehow weren't really well-received. I've tried to pour the kind of what I term as my emotional communication to him, but the responses I get from him could only be this much. I just wanted him to understand me more, understand how I'm feeling inside more. Why did it seem to be so hard? Maybe people might say that some people are just not good at words. I totally agree with it. But I really think communication between a couple is really important to sustain the relationship for the rest of our journey. This is something that was really lacking in that relationship and I really felt very terrible carrying on, with thoughts that I really wouldn't want

to be someone who doesn't really understand me in my heart. My emotional needs. I did try telling him the kind of emotional needs that I wanted.. But 5 years.. I just still didn't seem to get it from the relationship that I decided to end it. I really want to start my pursuit of my so called happyness.

Can someone tell me if I was wrong? I mean there's no turning back. I just want to clear what I'm really feeling inside.

Some of the money that I used to owe him, should I return it back to him? Or should I just let go and forget about it? Money to him is pointless already..? I don't know.


It seemed that you have come a long way before you call it quit. To execute such a decision wouldn't be easy for anyone in your shoes and it must have been a struggle internally.

You said he attended to your needs - but somehow I sense slight discrepancy in your post: perhaps in reality, what he has fulfilled are merely 'less qualitative' needs that may be important, but not essentially critical. It seemed to me that you have a deeper need that remained unsettled and he doesn't appear to understand how to go about addressing it.

Since you have already moved along, here are some questions for you to ponder over:

i) What exactly constitute your emotional needs? Would you be able to describe what exactly are you looking for, instead of lumping everything under the category of 'emotional needs'?

ii) You pinpointed the singular cause of the failed attempt to understand your emotional needs to the lack of mutually communication. What exactly caused this lack of communication? Was the relationship like that when you first started out?

iii) What is the symbolic representation in the act of returning him money? What does the act mean to you?

Cheers