Yunhaier's Mind

Wednesday, January 11, 2012 @ 9:49 PM

Aunt Agony 110112

Originally posted by _0h_gosh_:

Hello guys.. First time posting here and I have something to say about this woman I know.

I knew this gal back in 2007, we were both attached with our own bf and gf at that time. However, she and I got together and had a secret relationship for almost 10 months till end of 2007. We ended this secret relationship and didn't contact each other again. Somehow I got to know that she broke up with her bf in early 2008, then she got married to another guy in 2009, and gave birth in 2009 too. I believe it was a shotgun marriage with a guy whom she hung out with a couple of months.

We didn't contact each other since end of 2007. I have deleted her number and couldn't even remember any of her numbers. Then in Sep 2010, I received an unknown sms and asked about me. I replied and asked who this person is. She mentioned her name and I was like WTF?!? What does she want now...

We exchanged a few sms after that and we met up, everything started again. We had sex in the car, after which I made it clear to her that I do not want to have any special relationship with her as she is already married with a child. She was ok... somehow we ended like friends with benefits, we solely meet up for sex. But somehow we still have some feelings involve, we kinda like each other.... This relationship continue from Sep 2010 till now, we continue see each other for meals sometimes but she has rejected me in sex for a couple of months recently. I asked her to have sex with me but she kept rejecting... after which I told her to break up and stop seeing each other... But she insisted that she still want me as her "boyfriend" and want to continue to see me. I was like WTF does she want? I was thinking: "If you wanna have an affair with me and do not wanna have sex with me, why continue on with this relationship??"

I am meeting her to talk again, so as to conclude everything.... Anyway, why does a woman, who is married with a child, still want another man? And why does she still want a "boyfirend" and yet reject him in sex? She gave me all kind of stupid reasons of not having sex with me. What kind of benefits does she have in this kind of relationship? She told me that she love me more than her husband, and even asked me if I will accept her if she divorce him and leave the kid with him.... I was kinda shocked with her comments.

What do you guys think of this woman? Should I avoid her forever? I have feelings for her, but my gut feeling told me that she and I will never be together, and I should stop seeing her... sometimes I will kinda miss her and lost that will to stop myself from seeing her.... I do not want to break up her family... sometimes I only want to have that secret relationship with her still, it could be the sex and excitment that made me clinge onto her, but I know that it is kinda "bastard" doing that and I should stop it....

You made the deal and she accepted. After all, friends with benefits have pretty clear T&C; just that in your case, she didn't uphold her side of the bargain, which made things a little more complicated.

How your sub rosa relationship first begin has a significant influence over the development of later episodes. Since the clandestine relationship was a secret back then, your probable position in her heart is likely to be someone she could secretly fall back on whenever she felt dissatisfied with her relationship. After all, sex was probably part of the equation on both separate phase in the relationship, hence that seemingly sinful arrangement is nothing special in particular. But what you might not realize is that she is probably getting some degree of emotional dependence on this poorly structured relationship, regardless of how sparingly you thought you have provided.

She does not technically need the physical sex, rather, she craves for emotional connection. This probably explains why she could withdraw sex from the deal, but still want the relationship because after all, you have always been the secret lifeline that she depends on emotionally (although on your end, you see it purely as a physical exchange).

Allow me to give you an analogy: say if you are a salesman and you sell Cartel watches - To you: you probably feel that you are merely selling a watch because you sell this product to many people. But to the customer, they don't only just buy a watch - they just bought prestige, brand, status and everything else intangible that came with the purchase.

Not technically, but implicitly.

Well, she has abandoned the original deal and submitted another 'proposal'. If you cannot accept the new terms, then it's your decision to decide if you want to call it a day or resubmit another 'proposal'.

Cheers

Labels: Aunt Agony