Yunhaier's Mind

Wednesday, January 18, 2012 @ 11:34 PM

Aunt Agony 180112

Originally posted by Undiscoveredsoul98:

I have a lady friend whom I've known for 7 years. We knew each other while working at the same place back then. We both got along well.

Some 4 years later, I develop feelings for her. After a month of consideration, she told she cant accept me for fear that she will lose me as a friend if our relationship dont work out. I understand that its nearly impossible to be friends after a break up. Though she broke my heart, I never hated her or hold grudges against her for that. I respected her decision. She told me she hoped we could remain friends even after this incident. I'm fine with that but it will take some time for me to get over her since we are working in a same place and see each other almost everyday.

And so the next 18 months have been rather difficult for me as I was struggling to get over her while still remain friends. There are times when I would ignore her at work as I need to withdraw myself from her in order for me to move on. That has always been the most effective method for me if I need to forget about a girl. But since we are still in the same place, it was one hell of a challenge for me. Each time when I stop talking to her or ignore her, even its just for short time, she would get very upset. She would tend to tell other girls in our place about me not talking to her. It seems that I'm somehow important to her even though Im just a friend. Like as if me not communicating with her is a big issue to her.

And so now, we are no longer working in the same place and working in different places. We are still friends, she even told me she consider me her close guy friend. Thats something no other girls had ever said to me. We both shared personal problems and secrets. Some of my friends advised me to treasure this friendship with this girl even though I failed to make her my gf.

I know many people would say that Im one of those guys who will always remain in the "friend" zone with girls. As bad as it sounds, perhaps there is a good thing to it. At least I dont have to deal with her ugly side, which she warned me she tends to act in such a way in a relationship.

So my point here is, though she is attached with a guy, she still wants me in her life. She make it seems that I am one of those people who mattered to her in her life. Im really touched, and I appreciate it. I do love her as a friend. I never had any girls treating me in such a sweet way. Being her close friend is like a "2nd place" thingy. Do I really matter to her much judging by how things have been going on between me & her? She might be sad if I really leave her.

If you don't believe in existence of platonic friendship in a purist way, then you probably never will. It's hard to 'develop' it because you just can't believe in it solely from one dimension unless there are major tweaks in your overall belief and coping system in love. It is not impossible - just that the bar of change is significantly high to pursue. It can be done, just notably arduous to sustain.

The point of you needing to be 'separated' from her presence is ultimately a coping measure - which is rather commonly employed. Perhaps she could do it because she holds a separate belief system, in addition to the fact that she is not romantically linked to you. That makes her easier to decide if she wants to keep the friendship, yet without having to struggle intensively like you.

But you are not her: you have to decide if this choice of yours is delaying your development in love (with other people). If I were to be brutely honest, it is likely that both of you probably acts as a buffer for mutual emotional support to certain extend - just no title to officiate your role.

Of course, if one part of your soul feeds on that tiny ray of hope, thinking that 'for as long as you are in the queue, you might actually end up somewhere', then don't be disappointed if things do not turn out to be the way you desired because you made the choice to stand in that queue when you could have easily walk away.

Cheers

Labels: Aunt Agony