Aunt Agony 120706

Originally posted by linc:
Recently, my bf blah out all his unhappiness and unsatisfactions with me throughout all these years. I was in shock, but is trying hard to change according to what he want. But, in a recent call, he said he can't feel the same feelings he has towards me as before (even after i've started to change). He said he's confused within himself and doesn't know what he should do.

Does it imply that he no longer love me?
I've asked him that. But he said 'shouldn't be'. If not, he won't be requesting me to change. And he said that recently when meeting up with me, he doesn't have the feeling that I'm his gf.

What is he actually facing?


Your man is a typical man - in short, he doesn't relate emotionally. But the matter of the fact is that he still feels like flesh and blood. Every action, there will be a reaction - therefore the explosion of suppressed emotions is but an eventually event which will occur when the right catalysis is given.

This catalysis can be anything - from infidelity to plain enlightenment/resolution.

To fuel the flame; you are oblivion to the fact that there are dissatisfaction in your relationship. Your man could accept the notion of your individualistic nature, but his acceptance cannot be transformed into prerogative for your wilfulness. This will in turn churn dissatisfaction and when it is not resolved, you will have tremendous difficulty to eliminate this deep seated frustration that have already take roots in his soul.

No doubt, he is also partially at fault for his ineffective communication to convey this suppressed thoughts and feelings to you regularly prior before this outburst.

You may want to consider the following points:

I) Throughout this nine years, both of you have enjoyed the stability this relationship has been offering, but this stability has also adversely caused your relationship to have this gradual shift of mindset/attitude - where you both turn on 'auto pilot' mode and allowing your relationship to cruise at ease.

Nine years and almost a decade! What could ever happen?

If only life was logical, the above statement would have been perfect. But such ideology only exist in utopia. Without constantly having to protect, fight and nurture your relationship, your relationship will also wither and perish from 'malnutrition' and mistreatment. In fact, the longer your relationship, the harder you have to slog to prevent yourself from cruising into auto mode because we do not experience as much growth to 'reward' ourselves. If your growth was charted on a line chart, the curve will be gradual and not steep (the steep growth represented honey-mood period and all those sweet past).

II) Individualistic nature is great for personal growth, but more often than not, it is malicious to Love. Because relationship calls for the quality of mutual, while individualism seek for solitary movement. It is heartening that you show willingness to change, but I am not too sure if it is just a temporal measure to retain your relationship or real desire of wanting wisdom to evolve yourself.

As for your man; I am not too sure if it was indeed an ultimatum he has presented to you, or just a prelude to a break up.

I guess you may want that precious chance to give it a decent shot to work on yourself/relationship, but he must truly give you that chance to attempt as well. No point trying to do something here, while your man has already decided subconsciously that he wants out.

III) Trying to work on your personality alone is like trying to dye hair yourself. You may somehow get it done, but you will create a mess or the result may turn out to be different. My advice is never attempt this alone - include him into your evolution to be a better girlfriend because only he knows what he wants to see in you. He also has to learn to communicate and share about his perception/views about your hidden flaws so that you could, simultaneously, challenge those blind spot of yours and improve.

In summary:

- Understand that effective couple communication is your only tool of survival for a long relationship like yours. And if marriage is part of your agenda, the more you two should begin learning how to do it... based on your own relationship... your own Love.

- Abandon individualism and adopt mutual thinking (Reduce influence of Uranus and embrace influence of Venus). Learn that our personality evolve periodically. It is so much easier to say 'I am like that and he has to accept the way I am', than one trying to compromise and adapt, so as to reduce the friction from personality differences.

It will probably take some time. A LONG TIME in fact. Don't get discourage by pebbles thrown into your path for trying to revive this relationship because the things are intense now. Ironically, people are always doing the same thing while expecting different result. You cannot allow yourself to such thinking if you want to prevent your relationship from drowning.

You may succeed, but you must go beyond succeeding - this revolution must be substantial to remain, influence and carry on.

Cheers