Aunt Agony II 270706 (yunhaier X MCsquare)

Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:
Hi, I am a female, just hit 30

Just gotten myself out of a bad marriage which broke off bitterly. I was in the relationship for 7 years.

He was my first true love.

I had not much dating experience and I have never cheated on my partner during the whole course of our relationship together. In fact, whilst still together with him, I was so tame that I shut off any possibilities of friends with the opposite sex.

I am now single.

As it is, I should be single and AVAILABLE.

But the thing is, dating scares the hell out of me. I have been conditioned not to respond too well to the opposite sex.

For one, I'm aloof. And I am absolutely averse to cheesy pick-up lines. What would I do? Just simply don't respond, that's all. A sure kill joy. I rarely pub/club (only a few pathetic times up to date). I dun drink & nor do I smoke. I've talked to some guys online. And for your info, I dun cyber (u know wat I mean), seldom meet up and absolutely do not go for flings and ons.

Once, I did meet up with someone online. I had thought he sounded like someone quite chivalrous cos he was telling me that he was helping out with his ex-girlfriend with her marriage. I thought that was rather generous of him.

But once met up, he told me that all ppl have needs (which was a fact and I accepted it graciously by not arguing). Then he went on to rattle the next few hours about Singapore's politics to me (which was boring but otherwise fine as I can listen objectively). He wasn't touchy and he told me from the way I converse with him over the net, he realized he ought to act proper for our first meet-up, so he didn't drove his car along (as in there were many scares in the news about male strangers driving off the females to some place isolated). That was brilliant. I appreciated it.

Then later that night after an amicable part off, he sms me to ask me if I had slept. I replied no. Then he sms me about him "needing". And NEEDless to say, I was absolutely turned off.

Well, I've isolated that as a single episode. Hence, few days later when he sms me again, I replied his greetings. He asked me if it would be okay to meet up again & I replied sure, why not? To go out as friends and chat. But then, he sms again that probably "we could go further". So I replied again saying I think rather simple. Having company for dinners is fine. But he pressed on saying there "could be more".

I have not replied him since and his last sms to me was asking if I was out dating or not, which for unknown reasons, turned me off totally.

I know that my above narration is rather long but I hope to let you all in as to have a better insight to my problem. I am not the most gorgeous woman on earth but I know I would look more than presentable if I'd bother to dress up. The thing is, I cannot stand having males to sms me "funny" things, that is why I hadn't give out my number to just any guy. I wonder if I had been feeling depress cos I don't feel like going out to socialize at all and dread & fear the prospect of dating. I don't like the tension of talking to an unknown guy and my mind radar immediately "sense" whether the guy is trying to undress me mentally in his mind instinctively. I absolutely hate that.

Am I abnormal? Wat should I do?

Originally posted by M©+square:

If you don't mind, you can actually share your thoughts here.
not that people here could literally help you out. But at least there is this avenue where you can 'pen' your feelings and struggles down.
We are listening.

What i see basically is that you've lost your sense of identity, and your stand as a individual in the social world.
You are trying hard to adapt to this mindset of dating and socialising.
The downside was because during your relationship, you didn't have a healthy social circle to mantain the constant change. Hence it seemed to warp your perspective of things around.

Control and yet wanting to experience new things became a matter hard to deal with.

The failure of relationship has caused damage to your esteem.

I suggest joining some ladies club first(yes, date or meet new girlfriends), get comfortable with them and slowly move to men.

This is a social process. Since you've been deprieved yourself for more than 7 years, it's not impossible to unlearn your past and adapt to your new life. It's hard though! ;)

All the best.

p.s: continue writing. ;)


I have to agree with MCsquare; this is an issue of social life, not the men you meet.

You see, you can't get to know a man and put expectation towards a possible relationship; a possible relationship could only happen when a man meets certain expectation. I believe you do have the wisdom to decide that what you want is a FULFILLING relationship and not becoming a history of your past - therefore, being wary and defensive is definitely a normal by-product of your failed marriage.

There may be an emotional glitch in your system; men may tap on them to exploit this vulnerability. Just recognise them and ward those jerks, but never resign to fate and seal yourself because you will be killing your own chance to another shot at happiness.

I suggest you pick up something to learn (e.g. Salsa), so that you can indulge in a new hobby and at the same time get to know new people.

Don't be so centred on how to get into another 'BGR'; rather, enjoy the process of being single and allow 'BGR' to happen.

Cheers