Aunt Agony II 030905

Originally posted by kiekie:
What should i do? I m really in a dilemma.

Recently i found out that my hubby has been sort of 'CHEATING" on me outside. Specially on Friday's nite. cuz i usually stay at hme on fri nite as i gotto work on Sat. Hence, he went out to pubs with his friends even though he knows he can do so on Sat taking me along. :(

Nevertheless, i trusted him so much until recently. I was really devastated when i found out that he was on very good terms with one of his married colleague. They chatted on the phone eveyday when i was at work, which lasted for 30min to 1 hr. and even has multiple sms to one & other everyday.

I found out when one fri nite he came back at 6am. That day i was sick, throwing up & having a bad flu. However, i asked him to take care of himself and enjoy cuz i felt that if i ask him to come back early, its oso useless, it won't cure my illness.

I waited from 11pm to 2pm at the void deck and quicklyawent home when 1 stranger came to approach me to be friends. I laid on the bed and tried to sleep but i cudn't. At around 4pm, i went downstairs again and waited till near 6am. Despite my multiple calls and sms, he didn't answer or reply. I was so worried that something bad might have happen to him.

I went home again to get prepared for work and the moment i stepped out of the lift when i was going out, i saw him....drunk and I began to question him. He merely replied that he went to pub then makan with his colleague.

I was doubtful and tried to check his HP call details. Then i saw him making calls to some numbers that i didn't know. I asked him y he nv answer my calls & all he replied was his HP low batt. I packed my clothings & decided to moved out.

He was lying on the bed restlessly and asked me not to go. I poured out my emotions and told him off.

All these yrs, i ve been treaying him like a king. I served him meals, pick up his laundries cuz he alwaz dump them on the floor when he comes back. Get his socks for him, paid for his expenses and bills. Even thou i got to work from 8.30 to 9.30pm, i alwaz make the effort to call him & buy dinner for him as he alwaz sleep when he came back from work.

Only now then i realised i m a fool. He didn't sleep when he came back, he was making calls to his married colleague whom has 2 kids.

How do i find out? I managed to get his call list and sms list n matched up all the calls they made.

Why do i do that?

Cuz after that fri incident, he promised to be better to me & i forgave him. But 3 days later, while he was asleep, i tried checking his HP. I knew he dun like it but i have no choice as i dun know wat he's doing behind my back.

& i saw a MESSage that shattered the vision of mine.

It says: No matter wat's ur decision, i will always care for u. You muz study hard and nv let urself fall ill again. I LOVE U!

I noted the number and realised it was the name of the colleague whom he mentioned to me before cuz she was the prettiest in his company.

That night, while he was sleeping, i packed up all my belongings and left the house with lots of bag. I met my good friend & sat down for a chat. She tried to console me that things might not be as bad as i tot. That night was another sleepless one. I spent the whole night checking out the numer of calls and sms they made and tried to match them up one by one.

The next morning, he called me as he cudn't find me. I avoided his calls for 1 hour. And finally on my way to work, i answered. I told he that i will go. He was shocked as he didm't know wat was happening. He nv know that i will have a list of the info. he kept begging me to come backand promised that he will change. I questioned about his colleague and he was so afraid that i might ring her up as she has a family.

Then i told him, since u r afraid of hurting her and not me, then let me go. I ve u but not ur heart......u ve changed. No wonder u treated me so badly. Whenever i buy food for u at night, u r sleeping and by the time u wake up, u complained tat the food is cold and juz have a mouthful and go back to sleep. We have very little conversation and he alwaz tells me he is tired.

I am so sad. I felt so foolish, thinking that he's really tired.....on the other side, he's chatting with that woman before i reach home. Usually, when he charge his hp, he always leave it on a chair, now he hide it under his pillow.. sighz....

That morning when he called me, i told him that i knew everything, he was shocked and only after much questionings, he revealed the truth. He said that his colleague is in love with him. But only when the night i choose to leave him, then he wakes up and realised my importance which he nv did in the past.........He said that he didn't touch or went out wif her at all. Merely sms and chatting on the phone. He said that he has no feelings for her. I told him if he has no feelings for her, then i dun find a need for them to sms each other everyday or chat on the phone everyday for so long! Whenever i call him, he will tell me he's busy la. Then how come he's free to chatt with her for so long?????

I told him my heart is shattered and if he wants the kind of thrill go ahead, i will set him free. He broke down and cried begging for my forgiveness. Then thru the call list, i found a few numbers that he called frequently too. I tried dialing them n found out they r all gals!!! This time i was firm to leave him.

I wanted to stay, but i cudn't find any good reason to do so..He dun love me anymore, our lifes has become stagnant. He resorts to knowing other new gals at pub on Fri nights and chatting wif his married colleague to ease his stresses at work and studies. I understand, thats y he choose to keep me in the dark. He said that he's afaid that i will be angry. N i told him off that if he's afraid that i will be furious, then in the first place, he shouldn't have done so!!

He kept denying abt the gals he befriend with and in the end, when i threatended to call them up one by one, then he confessed. He kept begging me not to go cuz he cannot dun ve me. But i told him straight that he will be able to find a better one. He's juz used to our relationshio and do not love me anymore. It's a kind of habit to be together..Anyway being together with him, he had forced me to be so independent and i can take care of myself.

We already ROM, juz that we have yet to hold the wedding dinner. SO he kept saying that he will talk to his parents abt it and we will applied for a house. I told him... what for??? Everynight, i sleep with a GREAT PRETENDER and thought that he was really tired and stressful... I had nv felt so foolish at all. I even gave him $$ to go to pub, afraid that he dun have enough.... Now all i get is.......................hurt.



Your man appeared to have breach the first level of betrayal, but studying your post, it also appeared to me that he lack the courage to leap across ships directly. He may not physically betrayed you, but nevertheless, emotionally, he is wavering. This could be due to a number of reasons - but most of it constitute a lack of couple interaction.

What do I mean by couple interaction?

We always talk about how relationship works with two hands akin to clapping; your act of giving is divine, but his act of taking advantage of your goodwill and duty of a then-girlfriend-now-wife has became a norm... a standard procedure that automatically comes to him. Your relationship lack life and vigour like an one way road junction; no oppositions nor alternatives surface to challenge the relationship. Like how food travels from our mouth to the end of the digestive system.

If you are thinking that I am talking about the romantic flame of your relationship, that is only half the picture. The other half is about emotional acceptance without logical justification - somewhat a woman without a mind of her own. Your husband probably sees you as a woman he is with - not a wife. Re-read that sentence carefully and you will notice a distinct difference. Although there is no need for aggressive power struggle in your Love, but without a certain idea to lay out grounds and communicate definition of how you want your relationship to be, by allowing your man the full control means that he will climb over you in no time.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I always say this: Love is about looking at the same direction; not at each other. When you put yourself a level lower than your man, and if he is not the enlightened kind, you are asking yourself to be taken advantage of.

A sizable truth is that your man is likely to think of you as a wife material, but that's about it. You are someone who looks after the family, the domestic stuff and that's about it.

A woman he is with or a wife? Do you see the difference?

That is also probably the reason why he only breached that first level and not any further. Think about this: If you give him enough time to gather courage and rethink his course emotionally, this marriage is over. He is seeking for emotional substitute; someone to compensate what is lacking in his own marriage - this is same for the married woman as well. You find two similar people with similar plight, they will come together like molecule bonding to achieve certain stability.

Non-committed relationship: People who indulge in them are usually unavailable themselves. This is to eliminate the deep guilt that is usually accompanied by such sub rosa relationship. The message that they are sending over is as such: 'we are impossible, but hey... I don't want it to be possible anyway'

What is happening may not be good for the relationship as a whole - but being good natured, you felt a need to compromise in order to keep the relationship intact without heavy conflicts.

Sure is compromising and not avoidance?

I see so much avoidance in your behaviour that I can't help but to think that it is likely to be the latter. What use could it have been for you to take up the task of a private investigator and source evidence of betrayal and after finding out 'the truth' - you pack your stuff and left?

Don't you realise that all these while, you knew something is wrong with the relationship but your mind pushes all these suspicions to the back of your subconscious mind? Your refusal to see this and thus avoiding of proper couple communicate to tackle or ease the destruction process that the relationship is suffering... is like everything else is decaying beneath the grand edifice your Love portrays to your mind. And when reality hits you hard, you cannot accept the truth - thinking why this has happen even though you treated him well.

This is an essential catalysis to bring you back, rudely, to reality.

You mentioned that he sees this relationship as a habit - but does he marry you out of habit as well? Following the sheeps blindly because the relationship is seemingly lengthy enough to announce a ROM?

Your lack of life outside your relationship is the worst you can contribute to ANY form of BGR/marriage. This is an ironic truth - when you don't have life outside the life of your relationship, your relationship is aversely affected. It's all about balance... and life is not merely about Love, for Love comes in different dimensions. Your need a good healthy lifestyle to complement a good relationship - people with screwed up life finds difficulty to maintain fulfilling relationship. Lack of friends also means a lack of guidance and support to reveal certain angles that neutral party can pinpoint to you before it's too late. Your blindspots.

***

You have accepted him back again.

He has told you that he will change.

He will probably avoid that woman, go less pubs, avoid knowing female strangers, etc, but how will he repair and work for the sinking relationship? You got to understand that changing those variables that causes the gale to strike the relationship won't save your Love from withering. You ought to give some consideration to the following:

I) If you want to see how this 'Giving him a chance' will work out - make sure you see him putting in effort in the relationship, with you, being slightly self absorbed for once, playing the receiving part. Reason why being explained above.

II) Built back what lifestyle you had previously given up. Remember, you are a WIFE and you STANDS ON EQUAL POSITION with your husband, to be cared and loved mutually. You ain't a woman living with him... a maid... a somebody born out of habit to be with. If you wish to play that role, you will eventually see that giving him a chance is but only a short term solution to a gradual dismissal of your relationship.

III) You got to project an ultimatum; a feeling where you will attempt to trust him again and this is but the last chance. No tears or knees begging will make you change your decision once he screwed it again. Emotions works in a way where people response 2.5 times better in a negative lost than positive gain.

P.S: Love will not fool you; you can only fool yourself with reasons being Love.

Cheers