Aunt Agony 280705

Originally posted by blueberryjam:
its been a 8mths relationship.. more downs than ups. he's a sweet guy, very true. he used to be a flirt, but he changed already, i believed. things were going great. but we dont allow each other to be with the oppo sex, we're both easily jealousy kinda people.. very sensitive. as he used to twotime girls, i really dunno what made me fall for him, at times i regret it so, at times i don. we both lack the mutual trust very badly.. and thus, the security level is not met.

we quarrel very oftenly, sweet times were pretty short. we would meet one night, have fun, go back, things were still alright, till next morning, in school.. sure got things to quarrel again. i dunno what happened to him recently. he is a totally changed man. my frens asked me to just break and leave him, i've been thinking about it, its hard.. i know i sure can live without him.. but we have lessons together and things will be so awkward.. each time i see him, im sure memories will be back again..

the problem now is that.. he changed... suddenly i dunno wat came over him, he talks in that irritating tone like.. attitude liddat.. i didnt even do anything wrong.. he jus keeps finding faults with me.. im really tired.. i asked him if he still loves me, he said yes. and that he is finding faults with me deliberately. i asked him why, he replied 'don bother'.. then this morning i sent him an sms, kinda like to sweettalk him, i apologised even though i dunno wat i did.. i told him im really confused (as few days ago we were talkin abt breaking up).. i miss him alot and that he is my one and only. guess what he replied?? just a "whatever.." hais.. i dunno wat to reply him.. we're not smsing anymore...

im really confused... i was thinkin of ending this once and for all.. but... life's gonna be hard without him.. i'll miss him so much.... he's given me more than what i wanted... he's the greatest love of my life... we used to quarrel and then made up the next day.. but this time.. his attitude really pissed me off and it's been a week.. i dunno what to do.. can anyone advise me?? hais...

What makes you think that he has changed overnight and NOT returning back to his usual self? He hasn't changed abit, he's merely being himself, isn't it?

I always ask this favourite question whenever people dated known flirts (first began on my tudi) - considering the whole list of ex-es, what makes you think you would be the one who will change him/her? Everyone before you tried and failed (or couldn't be bothered), so what are the chances?

These people may change eventually, but if you want to be the ONE who initiate the movement, you have to satisfy certain criteria and alot of emotional endurance. To the common folk, such criteria would probably be deem as 'luck', but it is actually more than that and that would include heavily on the topic of AOS. IMHO, there are only two reasons why nothing works:

I) You are part of the statistic. You behave and mimic the same psychological and emotional feel of all his past gf. You are not any different and in fact, just like them. You can't change him because your predecessor failed as well.

II) Astrologically speaking, you wouldn't be the one who change him. Someone had to provide him with the hard lesson and that person may not be you.

CloUdiSm warned of such relationship, especially when you are viewing and handling it in a form of a serious, committed relationship (of course, it doesn't matter if you are also a player in this game of love). The default law states: 'Avoid first as it's better to be the second.' The person who changed the player isn't always the person he/she will end up with - very likely, it's the second candidate.

P.S: If he wants to remain hostile to you, what kind of love do you foresee? Remember, it's not you - it's him. Love cannot assimilate into the unwilling and if he doesn't want the relationship AND treat it like he doesn't want, then forget it. The power of love can create wonders, but it only reserve for hearts who desire to see its magic.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 260705

Originally posted by FaithGuy:
Hi guys,

I dont know how to describe this kind of feeling , its sickening , hurts, pain and struck to the bone.

I fall in love with girl A . A rejected first time but shown interest over time because i didnt give up . sounds like a perfect fairytale love story ???

Just when this perfect love story begins, girl B steps into the whole game, girl B likes me , girl A knew girl B's intention ( they are good friends ).

Finally, girl A agrees .

I re-instated my stand to A I doesnt like B and i will definitely love A . I indirectly hinted B i am going after A . B , isnt very happy , i can sense that .
I told A all about it . A is in a dilemma whether this relationship should be continued.

NOW , WHAT DID I DO WRONG ??? I really feel like taking a knife and stab myself . There is no perfect path to choose , did i choose the wrong path ?
I knew from the start if something like this happen, one of 3 has to give up.....

i need solid and concrete advice.


Why must both of you open a path to include someone else into picture?

You like your woman and your woman as well - why must you two account for SOMEBODY else? Isn't love between two? You think it's some kind of love triangle - in a matter of factly, it isn't. It only becomes when you allow that to happen.

If you wanna seek for your own personal happiness, the last thing you ought to do is to consider the whole world as part of your package. You will never be able to please everyone and circumstances will force you to make a decision... SO choose something sensible... something that you desire and wouldn't regret in years to come.

One of the three has to give up? Isn't it obvious who would that be? SINCE WHEN IS SHE PART OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP? It seemed that your woman didn't exactly fall very deep in love with you; she seemed to be merely giving you and this relationship a chance, thus the befuddlement when a completely nonsensical scenario, which shouldn't have affected either one of you, crop up.

P.S: Love well and maintain your grounds strongly. Do not always think that every single thing in love is complication - it isn't.

Cheers

JUGGERNAUT MADNESS

I AM AFTERALL, THE DOTA SUPPORT PRO.... CHECK OUT THE ITEMS! MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA! (Too bad I think it's too small to view also -_-`)

Aunt Agony II 250705

Originally posted by [H]opes:
in a relationship..without sex..everything cant work out?with true love..guys can forgo sex?


Possible.

Say IF the issue of sex belongs to the karmic challenge of the couple. Which goes to say that if either party have difficulty in getting sexually intimate, it will test the overall structure of the relationship, depending on the preception, mindsets and attitude towards their own relationship.

Some people have this natural aversion to sex. In psychology, they would probably tell you your parental axis influence, early childhood development and such. In astrology, it is shown similar to the above discipline, in addition to affliction in 8th house, especially with negative Saturn influence. Sometimes, it is caused by scenarios - e.g. Rape, abuse, in which alienate one's preception towards sex.

Do not be mistaken that every BGR required sex upfront. Sex doesn't always automatically come as part of a relationship; it's an emotional privilege that is shared mutually in one's most comfortable state. In simple, if somehow, either party is uneasy with the notion of having sex, which means one is not emotionally ready/balance and which means one is NOT in his/her most comfortable state, therefore it doesn't satisfy the above conditions... thus nulled.

To plain phucking or make love?

A whole new world of difference. Exercise your judgement to decide if your man belongs to which category.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 250705

Originally posted by frostice:
I came from a boy sch since pri till sec. i am not a very good looking guy and short. So not like my others friends mostly all got gf liao, execpt me when during sec.

But one day. that time i tink i was still sec4. i saw this girl in my tutution centre which i cant take my eyes off her. To me she is pretty and special, but my friends say is ok looking only. So everyday my mind is full of her. Finally one day i decided to go right up to know her and i successed. So we exchange contact. That day i was so happy until i couldnt sleep. :D (come to tink back i tink i am abit crazy that time)

Although i got her contact but i dare not call her because dont know wad to tok about and also i think the 1st gal i ever like. But the funny thing she call me the next day and talk to me through i have nothing much to tok, but she say nevermind she will do the toking. So from then on it seems everyday she tok to me and like we can tok for hours and hours happily. :D But when comes to dating her, i only date out her a few times.

But happy times dont last long, after sometime i found out that she came from a rich family and had bf already. At that time i totally lost out, very sad and it seem like the world lost out of colour. So i tink for nights and nights, finally i decided to give up, because i not like bf tall, good looking, and also not as poor as i am and she is rich gal, how can a poor guy like me give her happliness. So i try to keep distance away from her, dont call her, reject her call, and even when i saw her i just say hi and walk off le. (my heart really pain when i do that) after long time, she seldom call me le, and i also never call her le. But that didnt stop me from thinking of her.
but after a year later, one day suddenly a call, i heard her voice again.

At that time i was kinda of happy again. She told me that she is very sad, becoz her bf is with other gal and still wan to be with her and she love her bf very much and they have been together for years. So i try my best to console her but i really am too stupid abt console ppl. But in the end she feel better when toking to me...and say thanks to me for console her. But i still didnt feel that i got any chance to chase her. After that she didnt call me again le, and i also didnt want to interfere with their relationship problems. Although i really feel like calling her, ask her bf to get lost, and chase her. But i dont know y all my confidence r lost out.

Then after a few years later, i met her she already got a new bf... then i sian again, although i recently just contact her but already not like last time we used to chat about happily liao :( ...i always think if that time i really did not give up on her, would she be my gf by now??? But what to do is Over....hai :( Until today it had been 4 years i still like her, and since then i had never go on relationship yet, i also dunno y, maybe i still very like her or probably i lost confidence in relationship liao or maybe i cant find someone like her again....hai :(

u ppl must be thinking i am dumb, stupid and ball-less.... maybe i am... :(

can u ppl give me some advices....


To me, whether you wanna give up or not, isn't exactly the greatest concern here. I feel there is something more critical here that you probably have to learn about your failure before history repeats itself and you find yourself experiencing a double whammy.

This is a case where you rejected yourself.

[quote]...how can a poor guy like me give her happliness. So i try to keep distance away from her, dont call her, reject her call, and even when i saw her i just say hi and walk off le[/quote]

[quote]After that she didnt call me again le, and i also didnt want to interfere with their relationship problems.[/quote]

If she is attached, whether or not to give up, it remains subjective to the individual. You chose to give up, its fine as well. BUT the above malicious mindsets will serve to ruin you until you decide to do something about it. Happiness talks nothing about monetary wealth dude - only people who doesn't understand thinks that its all about money. YOU haven't even started and killed yourself with this thought - very bad.

IMHO, when you two had almost zero contact and she called you out of the blue and related matters of the heart - THIS IS IN FACT, blatantly a fringing` obvious hint that she is trying to drop. Reasons' very simple: when your emotions is in the mess, you scan for the closest/intimate companion in your memory to rant or talk about it. Your love affairs is such that people usually can't talk very much to others they ain't comfortable with, because it involves the next stage of emotions - opening up. You don't find strangers/hi-bye friends, whom you do not have contact for so long, to talk about these things UNLESS your scenario causes your world to shake and all closest/intimate friends became an unsuitable channel. (Or unless you are a known AA to your friends)

She calls you because unconsciously, she wants you to know that she is single. Duh, obviously she knows that you probably had some feelings for her.

P.S: This is a case of self-rejection, not rejected rejection.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 200705

Originally posted by ua_24: I was wondering, i read once that u'l never be together with someone u love the most.. instead it's someone u jus love.. n happens to love u back.. i was kinda wondering if any of you guys out there have any comments??


I recalled one old theory, which yunhaier came across years ago...about Fantasy.

And before I begin, what's YOUR definition of The One?

What and who sets the definition of The One in you?

Very often, sometimes, it is either the woman/man you can't have or its your first love. The reason is because for people you never had - it's the jubliant love, affection and warmth that your emotions first brought forth. However, its such feelings are young, untested in face of challenges and difficulty - like a baby, undaunted by anything because he has yet to walk the path that could make him learn reality.

This applies to your first love as well - because you never knew what Love is like before, your first Love sets the benchmark on what Love feels like. If this is in conjunct with the above scenario as well (namely, people whom you never had and belongs to your first love), this will be a lasting impact.

Eventually, we thought that he/she is the ONE we loved the most, but actually, they are the one that created the first (not neccessary the most) impact, not exactly being loved the most. We kept thinking this way, until the wavering emotions became a false truth... we realise that we fall in love with a Fantasy Figure, because it is easier to face a Fantasy Figure WHOM is so perfect in our imagination... than to venture into the reality, which seemed so cruel. Everything seemed different in reality... people are unable to match to the 'standard' of our Fantasy Figure, fall short of being perfect.

We begin to equate that Fantasy Figure as our Perfect Love or the person we loved the most. You got to realise, sometimes, it's not the constant figure in our mind, who COULD represent the one whom we loved the most. This is infact a mistake and cost alot of invisible damage to our current relationship we are having now.

In Tarot, it is signified by the Major Arcana card 'The Fools'. The young chap, who have just decide to embark his new life journey. He is inexperience and greenhorn, but is filled with the promise of having a better life out there where he would be venturing.

How do we know? Not exactly, but our first journey (relationship) pave the FIRST crossroad of personality, character and especially our raw emotional state. It will shape and mould our mindset, based on what happened and how we deal with the experience. Some people have very screwed-up first relationship, then they adopt a very negative mindset and attitude towards love and relationship. THIS will serve to implicate their future until they exercise the essential wisdom to understand why have they landed here. Some people found no answer because they are slow to enlightenment and people around them ain't helpful to hasten the effect of letting them see certain unseen dimensions.

We are reinforced by our early childhood, psychological state AND enviromental factor.

There are six individual levels, being eternal students of Love. (This has NOTHING to do with your chronological age).

Infant
Toddler
Child
Adolescent
Teenager
Adult

Although I have yet to translate this six levels, which came from Linda Goodman, into CloUdiSm format.

The latter six comes during your marriage:

Marriage: I balance. Teaches love as beauty and learns love as harmony.
Sex: I desire. Teaches love as passion and learns love as surrender.
Knowledge: I see. Teaches love as honesty and learns love is loyalty.
Experience: I use. Teaches love as wisdom and learns love as unselfish.
Idealism: I know. Teaches love as tolerance and learns love as Oneness.
Submission: I believe. Teaches love is compassion and learns love as All.

P.S: Learn to love every relationship like 'The One', only then, you are able to release the lock, which hinder your potential relationship from blossoming. The actual concept of 'The One' is but a spiritual theory in Love, which is altogether, a different topic.

New Balance X Eric Haze M574

I just had a complete new impression of NEW BALANCE. 新白兰是。。。哈哈哈哈哈 ^_-

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 170705

Originally posted by drx:
So Yunhaier from what you say, the guy made a bad judgement by looking for the wrong girl to fall in love with? He did not understand her so the relationship failed? So in love is best to do things to suit a girls needs and wants? He should find someone who is willing to accept him for who he is after the girl left him for another man while still wondering what went wrong?

" Just lookout for ladies that appreciate nice guys. Full stop. It's as simple as that - someone who could see your goodness and qualities as part of her essential needs."

HE thought that she was the one for him too once but in the end she just dump him so your advice for him is to keep searching on for another the "one" to suit him?


You don't make a bad judgement by falling in love with a girl, who doesn't remain with you till marriage and after. You make a bad judgement only if your relationship is deeply karmic and create more than just a mess in every aspect of your life (E.g. falling in love with a flirty woman - it's probably a high risk if you are looking for some kind of stable relationship). To lose a relationship doesn't constitute a bad judgement - it probably would, in some lesser degree, if you don't even know why you lose it in the first place.

To some extend, there isn't any 'wrong relationship.' In my studies, it's only benefic or karmic. (Relationship that is harmonious and one that is disruptive - both of them can also serve to built or ruin you).

YOU think that she is the one for you - great. But that thought isn't mutual. Till the day when you find someone with this mutual thought, you will probably end up in marriage with her. Probably.

But in Love, it's more than just a civic minded/technical way of looking at a relationship. 1+1 equation doesn't always mean 2 in Love, which is how you are trying to apply that in yourself. In Psychology, we mimic our behaviour based on what behaviour that works and rewarded. We continue to mimic those behavior until they become an integrated part of our personality (or in this case, our definition and preception of Love). WHEN those behaviour don't work or gain acceptance, the mind is frustrated and the human takes on defensive measure to protect it's self image. Then in Love, the mind gradual form a 'logical equation' to appease the confusion, but the heart continues to bleed unconsciously because the heart do not see the way the mind do. But as long as this adjusted behaviour pays off - we will maintain them... we work to maintain sameness.

And when too painful rejection or whichever processing system (mind or heart) don't work, it explode and causes a system breakdown. Our self preception is greatly affected and we lose track of who and what we are.

You looked so lost. Seeking answers everywhere.

P.S: If you ain't the man your love is looking for - remaining in the relationship usually promise much misery. Find a woman who likes and appreciates the qualities that you bring out... and not be a man you think that a woman would appreciate. Think is assumption... only knowing is truth. Knowing only comes from communication, understanding and learning. And only by knowing, would you know the core of each individual's needs and work on the RIGHT ingredients to fulfill each specific needs.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 170705

Originally posted by drx:
An ugly guy loves a girl. After being friends for 2 years, they becomes lovers and girl just after 1 year the girl left him. He uses 100% of his love for the girl and was shock at what she done. He had given tender loving care to her in the end she left him for another man.

So did he do a bad judgement ?



100% effort = 100% result? It never happens.

So ?% must be given to give at least 80% result? In the first place, what's 80% result we are talking about? For all you know, the scenario that happens could be THE 80%, for if we could rewind time, the relationship could probably be even shorter and less fulfilling if the percentage of giving is less.

Then again, throughout your post, the whole entire chunk of essay you have written, is so heavily saturated with the guy's opinion, thoughts and preception of what goodness in a relationship is all about. There is little information about what he knows about the actual emotional realm of his love.

Losing a relationship without understanding why... very bad.

Regarding your seven listed points of a 100% love from the guy... What makes you think this whole list is WHAT the girl is looking for? You are SO sure that these points are somewhere near her actual needs? And how much does this guy knows about her? We are talking about emotional sense; how much does he knows?

To fight a war without intelligence network is to die without knowing why.

***

Seriously, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what went wrong with the relationship because chances are, this guy may not truely know the woman he has gotten for a year. And because he don't really know the woman the way he ought to and if this wasn't communicated, he probably thinks what he is doing is 'on the right track' and thus continued whatosever way he always do.

The woman may gradually realise that the man, despite being very nice guy, isn't the kind of man she would seek transitory or ultimately. This is NOT a question of 100% giving, nice guy or whatever - this is the question of suitability and needs. Say I dislike eating pasta, although eating pasta will definitely fill my stomach, but that doesn't mean I must eat pasta because I know it can fill my stomach. (Nice guy is nice, but that doesn't mean her needs is such that she would desire a nice guy... understand?)

And before you go 'Ok, I am going to become a bad guy (in whatsoever definition you thought of a 'bad guy') - its useless as you are trending on foreign land. That region is completely alien to you and if you try to walk that path, you end up belonging to nowhere (In marketing sense, you merely spolit your branding - you can't have mix messages in your branding). Just lookout for ladies that appreciate nice guys. Full stop. It's as simple as that - someone who could see your goodness and qualities as part of her essential needs.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 160705

Originally posted by lil_pinkie:
I've a Qn mark in my mind, abt my bf. I'm not saying I'm having a bad r/s.. but sometime, certain quiries of mine cant be solved by talking it out with him. It end up in a quarrel.
I'm younger by 4 yrs than my bf. I do know that I've some thinking prob (as in childishness etc..) He tried to teach and guide me. He got a v.v.v.bad temper (undeniable), and I get scolded alot for my mistakes regardless big or small one.

I've not been treated this way even fr my ex.. (i know sometimes harsh words mean well..) & i'm restricted alot in how i behave etc. I dont wear revealing clothes but been snapped at for wearing low off-shoulder one. Sometimes, its like I'm his personal PDA, i should keep in mind of his liking and thing-to-do. If i missed it, i'm dead... kana scold again. I know gf are suppose to be more delicated in every area... but u see, im not even his wife (any possibility is going to be in the future, not now).. only a gf. I'm told to do this, do that.. I am tired. What i think the way I'll adopt for now, is to put down part of my feelings, and live on my "own". Cuz its always me running up to him, wanting to hug him n be loving, what i get back are cold shoulder. (but in some areas he is attentive and loving tho).

So u see, im a lovely-dovey type person, but he's not..

What kind of behaviour should i adopt in tis r/s


Your bf probably sees you as a junior, instead of a girlfriend standing at equal position, walking side-by-side along the life of the relationship. Chronologically speaking, age-wise, it contributed partially to this thinking and the other half is given by your personality, whom he had thought to be one that belongs to that of young girls of those age.

And because he probably likes/thought.it's.a.norm for a girlfriend to be attentive to his needs, in addition with the superiority in thoughts as spoken in the prior paragraph, it's no wonder he would attempt to 'teach' and 'guide' you... to be a girl of his needs.

Realising the crux of your issue revolves around the power of a relationship; you are struggling beneath the lack of equality and power in the same Love. The discrepancy you are feeling is that you feel you are beginning to lose yourself, your individualistic nature, which seemed like a stranger ever since you fall deep in love with your current bf and step into the relationship.

Chances are, this man does love you, in intensity similar to that of yours - however, he may lack the expressive side of doting, care and affection. And these are definitely your needs. You feel that his needs are at least met to his expectation generally, but minimal for yourself, which causes the differences and resorted to 'giving less' as a means to restore this balance.

***

What kind of behavior should you adopt? A better option is to communicate this through him, minus the sudden quarrels. Quarrels appear for many reasons, sometimes, usually it's not so much about the CONTENT that we desire to communicate - more like the body language, the tone, the words, the style and the overall effect the communication is being brought forth.

You would probably feel/think that 'talking-about-this-to-him-is-useless-nothing-changed-and-we-will-argue. But what makes you think by adopting a different kind of attitude in this relationship will improve your situations? What you are doing is to comform and compromise by solo effort - his stance will remain because nothing has been done to alter the hidden law. Your relationship will gradually break down by the discrepancy suffered and left in ruins before you know it.

He have to know a few elements through your serious, non-quarrelsome talk with him:

I) The importance of equality in the relationship. Power struggle is tiring.

II) Compromise towards each other's needs. Balance out this scale of giving and receiving.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 120705

Originally posted by Percussion_guy86:
Weve been together for 1yr,4mths and 3days.She`s from China and study in TP microelectronics(i`m SP).After about 6 7 mths,i decided to stay with her outside.Of course,my parents,shld say my mum totally opposed.My dad was very supportive as in i am big enough to be responsible for my own action(i`m 18 she`s 19).

So we happily moved in together.In the beginning,its always beautiful.Like many couples,we quarrelled,and patched.Then the process will repeat itself.I will always be the one to give in.Sometimes,her words can really stab your heart so hard that...that a big guy like me will cry in the middle of the night when she`s not looking.But,she`s like that,her...character...of course after so long,i can tell if she loves me or not...she does. :)

Things began to...turn sour?
For the past few days,we never talk.i was thinking...its over sooner or later....you can feel it.The tension is getting tighter and tighter...tense.They are many probles between us.The bniggest one is my family.

i often have to fork out money for my family.my brother is working very hard but he`s also staying with his stead.My sis is still very young and my mum is unable to work because of illness.Only left my dad.He`s not getting paid much and he`s reaching 65.Still cooking in a restaurant.The problem is my stead feels that i`m helping TOO MUCH.Sometimes she`s right...when my family needs mony,i can give to them and help,but when we need help,they cant help us.Because of this,i had rejected my family for many times...

The stress is building and building...my eyes is watery now as i type...because of this i often bury myself in music.i love playing drums...percussion freak in bugis...it really de-stress me(going later)...i have been thinking of breaking up with her but i jus cant let it go!!!i really love her...its been so long...many happy times.........i cant bear the feeling of leaving her and not seeing and holding her again...nut i know for the long term...its not gonna work out....f!ck...crying in com lab in school...

i never told my friends this...so i`m the bad guys in their eyes..."dumping your GF..."...its hard to let them know...we`re still staying together.but,i guess i`m gonna move out this few days...somemore exam coming...how to study?...hai...

WAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Why move out?

This is question number one.

You do NOT even have a completely WRECKED domestic environment where you are forced by circumstances to escape the hellhole. Your family faces financial difficulty, but that doesn't equate to a wrecked home. Many household are going through what your family is going through - your rebellious strike out is a choice that promise final despair, stress and dead end. Very loving to stay together in co-habitation? You soon realise that your level of love cannot cope with the pressing problems thrown at you constantly like whirling blades in air.

Logically speaking, you do not even have the finanicial ability to even maintain life, family and relationship all at a go. Furthermore, you are still studying - even if you push for part time, your income will barely be sufficient.

Moving out in your case is not a sign of maturity (or trying to be independent as you may thought of yourself), rather a form of escape to somewhere which you thought love could substitute whatsoever element that is missing in your home. You tried to build a 'home' of warmth and love in this new 'home' - so pray tell me how does this security of your new home work to keep itself stable? You can't... & you finally see the cracks and flaws of your great love-cohabitation idealogy, crumbles like a house of cards in face of cruel reality.

Standing at the crossroad, the future of your love looks bleak. Having to break up with your girlfriend is probably the same as having to admit all the willful decisions you made is a huge mistake afterall. Who would want to go through ALL THE MILES and end up coming back to square one?

You can continue your current way of life, although its probably not doing you any good... for if it does, you would never had to come here in the first place. How now brown cow? Do you still want to carry on false hope, impractical love and motes of delusion? Or would you chose to humble yourself, acknowledge your plight and work towards ending it, even if it means having to sacrifice?

P.S: You have been living in short-term vision, learn to equip with some foresight with wisdom. It can save your alot of tears and hurt in the long run. Make sensible decisions for your life NOT because it seemed great-at-the-moment - but exercise them with enlightenment.

Cheers

OMFG!

OMFG!!!!!!!

Cheers

终于大功告成!

终于啊。。。终于。。。像我这样的IT大白痴，真的是一种成就感。

(今天的最后一个中文留言 ^_-)

Aunt Agony 080705

quote:
Originally posted by rammstein619:

What you said is indeed true to a large extent but although I would more than happy to return the kiss but there's always a risk where it gets out of hand. You can say that I'm a proactive kind of person. Whenever I decide on something especially important decisions , I always visualise of the possible outcome should I say YES or NO.

Alright this may sound stupid but I'm 17 and my ex is 15. First things first , she's a minor and the Singapore law protects women especially the minors. Actually I've been searching high and low for a website similar to the "Aunt Agony" section of this forum ranging from Teenage magazine , Lime , Teens etc cause I'm just too lazy to write a proper hand written letter and hope that someone responses to your queries in the next month issue....

Secondly , I have seen my close friends surcum to a platonic relationship all because of a broken first love and feeling of being unloved by a girl. In fact , I have 2 very close friends and they too have fallen into a platonic relationship before and as such , I start to wonder , "Should you love a girl because of her personality or because of her body?" I don't learn stuff using the "theory" method but rather on the "experience" method.


Going to drop a little unorthodox here: You, indeed, show wisdom in your thoughts - but this merely applies to your Higher Self. (In the simplest term I can put: someone who doesn't succumb to the negative energy of Mars/Lust. This is a very good thing by itself). Forum mates praise you for this, not actually seeing double edge:

[quote]...seeing couples holding hands is of like something obscene for me... [/quote]

[quote]because in my point of view "one thing might lead to another". You 2 can be kissing , the next day frenching , the next next day petting and finally the next next next day engaging in full blown sex and what we get at the end of the day is a platonic relationship in action.[/quote]

This is not exactly discipline... more like abstinence. You want to prevent POSSIBILITIES, even if it doesn't neccessary always have to follow the sequence like a book. IMHO, this is not exactly healthy, for its ok if you are not comfortable with the notion of sex before marriage. However, affections is like Love - it shouldn't be held back. Holding hands is of like something obscene to you? I am pretty sure, you may have to rediscover yourself through your relationship as you grow older.

Simple affection does NOT equate to the possibility of sex. I think such affections are wonderful things. If you want Love to go somewhere, you cannot hold back on the gift of affections - holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc are signs of NATURAL affections... so natural in love is like life is to breathing.

And there is too much logic in your mindset. Law and Order, fixed concept and all the beauty of a civil mind. Prevention, issue, problem, consequence, feedback and follow up... hidden in your subconscious. You apply what you see happened to your close friend, modified by your unconscious fear and go through alot of deep thoughts - in the end, I can tell you that your result is mostly blank. Which is why you ended up here, seeking for advice.

People would probably tell you 'hey, good guy.. continue this way. You are a rare gem, probably the last man on Earth, etc' - but ultimately do you get your fulfilling relationship? My answer is probably not, until you rediscover yourself, learn to use the 'Art of Emotional Science' and learn more about yourself instead of overly relying on others for answers.

People don't see this: 'Because you are not subjected to lust through great deal of mental, emotional and physical discipline - such cosmic lesson is probably beneath your feet as you have probably secure firm victory over it. People sees it as awesome, because it's something they are trying to sort in their life. But NOT you. However, you have sexuality blockage... an emotional discomfort dealing with affections. Holding hands is one of the possibility leading to sex? If you are telling me petting is.. I would have agreed. But holding hands?

Your girl said that you are not romantic - it's a bad choice of word, thus you probably never knew what is the root of your problem. The actual term is 'Not receptive/responsive to her affection.' and therefore, unloving and NOT unromantic.

P.S: By telling how much you love her (or yourself), but lack the proof in action, will tanish every single effort of yours in the long run. I always say this "Love looks in the same direction." If your definition of Love is this way, either you find someone who shares the same definition as you, or you learn to love and appreciate Love the way Love wants you to.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 060705

Originally posted by macjoe: What is marriage supposed to do for/to two people that they can't doas singles outside of marriage these days?
Married vs Single-single status
1. Married can buy house - single-single can liao so buy next to each other.2. Married can have sex - single-single can also mah.3. Married divorces - no such thing for single-single4. Married can have babies - single-single can adopt.5. Wife maintenance, Husband no maintenance - none for two split singles
So please tell me the benefit of marriage that many seek to enter?
:?:


BENEFITS of a marriage? Ironically, you people are asking THE BENEFITS of a marriage when in actual fact, a marriage brings NOTHING but merely a recognition of the next phrase the couples' love has evolved, in which the ultimate quality of sacrifice makes much better sense and worth than in BGR, which has it's limit during test date phrase - the couple sacrifice much more, in all dimensions, in a marriage than BGR.

Tell you the truth, you can't see those so called 'benefits' because you are using different yardsticks to measure those intangibles. You are trying to equate the goodness of marriage via material/dollars sense, which completely makes no sense. The same way anyone could have tell you that love is completely redundant because even without it, technically speaking, you could still survive, breathe and live. Worst still, you could get hurt very badly, so why get involved at all?

Own the world, but loses its soul?

Generally, there are three forms of marriage (sometimes, a mixture of two or even three):

Cirumstances: Forced by circumstances, a marriage happens without much choices. People generally marry because of reasons other than Love. Shot-gun marriage, eyeing on fortune, etc.

Biological/Chronological: People get married because it's the time to get married. Gently pushed by biological clock, people plan and get married when they feel that 'it's time' - whatever it means to them. Sometimes people get married because they are together 'too long' and felt that they needed to induce something to revive the stagnant love.

Spiritual: People get married because they want to spend the rest of their life together. Simple and truthful.

The following contrast you have shown above, merely shows the alternatives a couple could have without the marriage commitment. But then again, it makes no sense to have something just for the SAKE of having. One good example is the babies example you quoted. Obviously, people can adopt - however, for people who truely love little ones, there is a VAST world of difference between their OWN child and adopted ones, especially since they could conceive naturally. What about house? Anyone can own a house - it's WHO you are living with that makes the difference. You can stay in any house of your dream...alone and you will feel worst than one staying in a 3-room flat with love and laughter.

What you are trying to do is measuring the intangibles through tangibles means, which I stress again, makes zero sense.

I don't blame you because you are not there yet. And because you have yet to reach that level, you are highly subjected to people who THOUGHT they are there, but sadly, nowhere near actually. These 'people' impart their negativity to you and you accepted their mindsets. Then again, but makes you think their view is the true meaning it holds?

P.S (Astro): Certain people's horoscope birthchart are more resilient to marriage (Esp. Saturn in 7th house). A powerful Uranus transition cum progression can trigger a divorce BUT that has to be promised by your birth chart in the first place. Some people do not have divorce aspects in their charts, instead, their charts shown a need to learn the areas of love and relationship through alot of cosmic learning. Through freewill, they might temporary break up or whatsoever, but the bonds never seemed to sever completely.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 190605

Again... the qualification issue. The war between lower qualification man and higher qualification woman. Question is... is that all-mighty important?

Why? Why you may think women prefers man with higher qualification than them? The reason is very simple: the investment theory. Back to basis, every women sees relationship as a form of investment; this investment we are talking about goes beyond the paid expense of the man's version in a relationship. We are talking about biological aging, emotional investment, sex-related thingy (even pregnancy), etc.

Qualification is a measurement of potential success the man can achieve. Obviously, it doesn't mean the man could definitely do well in life, it simply suggest the potential success of a man. Because of that, this man exuded alot of security on his part AND women, being highly affected by the investment theory, usually consider alot of security on her part to make the commitment affair (Especially Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn).

Also, why woman prefer guys who are average joe-looking (or even worse)?

Security; of all levels. (Inferior woman never feel good about themselves; they feel that they are too fat, single eye-lid, small cup size, etc. This 'security' effect is triggered and they fear that having good-looking bf is emotionally taxing through jealousy, fear of losing them to a third party, etc).

***

Obviously there are things more important than the above examples. In very simple terms, it is your personal attributes that score points for the relationship, or at least the love/respect for you. However, this is heavily moderated by her own preception of what's important to her. E.g. If you have a woman that needs the constant loves-showering, to satisfy this emotional needs is more important than say qualification. (Especially Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces). Another example would be, if your woman rank material needs as first priority, being able to bring good income serve more sense than say being a SNAG boyfriend.

In CloUdiSm, this is phenomenon is called Suitability - something I often stress on, about looking at the same direction and not at each other in love. In Marketing, we talk about satisfying your customers needs; in relationship we talk about the same needs to be satisfied mutually.

You can actually turn this negative situation into a powerful positive force that could drive you into trying to excel in your life. Love can be the motivator, however, if it causes you to fail your relationship for any reasons, FAILURE retains that memory painfully stronger and deeper.

P.S: Banish your sense of despair. If you have the drive to strive and work towards your career, that's the best cert you could have. We call those thingy 'Shang Jing Xing.'

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 150606

Quote:

Originally posted by fairyprincess:
my bf and i have been together for almost 4 years.
i love him dearly but he's not exactly the boyfriend anyone wants.

he lied to me for 3 years about this girl he used to like. i forgave him for that. 2 years ago, when he was in the army, he hit me at the slightest thing. i forgave him for that too. after army, he stopped hitting me - he claims its the stress.

anyway, i can tolerate all that but his temper is getting to me. he needs to win at everything. i accomodate him by playing all kinds of arcade, online, rpg games with him (i do enjoy them to a certain extent). but if i win him, he gets angry and if i joke that he's a sore loser - he gets angry too.

i understand how pride is to a guy but is pride everything? i give in to him for everything. he NEVER apologises, even when i'm right, i apologise just so that we'll stop quarreling. i admit i do have my faults as well - nobody's perfect. the thing is - he demands a perfect girlfriend.. and when i can't meet up to his "expectations";, he will demand that i change to what he wants.

he has never given in to me all this while. after a quarrel, we will have a cold war as he will not want to talk to me. i leave him alone to cool down till the next day. but when he calls the next day he will demand i reach his house by a certain time if not i'll "get it from him"

the thing is, i could never bring myself to leave him. maybe cos' everytime he calls i could never have the heart to reject him. i'm gg to australia to study at the end of this month and he's supposed to follow - he has not paid for his fees yet though. i would love for him to go, but sometimes i feel that if he doesn't, maybe i can escape from all this.

i know i should face it and not escape but i don't know how long i can take this from him. i only have a week to decide if he should go with me cos' my parents are gg too and they expect him to go too. advice anyone? thanks

Very strong hint of male chauvinist personality in relationship; strong pride is but a partial product of this effect. Autocratic - with him, demanding to be on the receiving end and implanting idealogy into the relationship. Obviously, it wouldn't work this way, you probably felt how meaningless this relationship has grown to be, despite the fact that you have been together with him for four years.

Is it the length of relationship... Or the call of duty... that made you stay? You can even tolerate violence in relationship; ARE you SURE that what has happen regarding the way he treated you is the ACT of love? Of someone behaving to other in love?

You are in a karmic relationship; outsider don't understand this. (He's probably astrologically intercepted in 5th/7th house)

If you are already hoping that you could go overseas without him, needing that rest-time, I can tell you frankly that during the process of your study there, your relationship will definitely crumble and fall. How much endurance/perseverance can one relationship be, like yours? With such weak bonds, holding on by mere blinded love, your relationship won't be able to survive challenges like this.

With clarity and renew courage, you could probably find the neccessary element to sever the relationship by then.

So my question is, if everything else is so chaotic, why are you still opting for the mess? Thinking that what I have mention above is baseless? Ok, if you could go overseas without him and come back, with your relationship still intact, lunch is on me. Add dinner, or anything you want. It's so predictable because people don't want to make decision for their relationship and because people hate making decision, the relationship falls under the predictable state.

They rather allow circumstances to make decision for them and not taking lead to solve or end problems.

In the end, you lose the relationship because circumstances brings you no choice, not because you had a choice. The difference between ending it now and later, say if the above scenario really took place, is that ONE is the result of wisdom and the other the cause of fate.

I may be fringing` chim or speaking like Greek to you because currently you may not fully understand what this post is trying to tell you until you have been there, done that. Because according to your topic 'Miserable and lost' - you can only be 'peaceful and found' when you make proper decisions for that to happen. Cycle repeats; your suffering continues until you make decent decision for your relationship (To end a relationship doesn't mean evil, sometimes, it can be a loving thing).

P.S: Is your bf a Leo, Capricorn, Virgo or Scorpio?

Cheers

Flashback 190506

Quote:

Originally posted by jayne:
i dun wana hate him, really.. but seems like if i dun, i find it real hard to get on wif mi daes.. cos smtimes memories will js cm flooding bck to mi, & i find it difficult to get bck on mi feet again.. smtimes i js wana hide & cry till mi tears turn red..

yes, i admit im too posessive.. i hope he can spent his free time wif mi.. but i am ok if he needs to go out wif frens, js let mi noe 1st so i dun plan anythg..

i got feedbck fr one of his ex-colleagues smtime ago tt smtimes he sees him very stress.. he says tt smtimes work requires OT & he has to choose b/w work & mi.. i admit i dun quite like him working too late cos he has bck problems but if he chooses work instead of meeting mi, i will respect his choice, thou i will kick a fuss..

i admit im a fuss maker, hard to pls.. but 4 yrs has past, he din say a thg.. but i noe miself.. i tried to change a few times, but i guess it wasnt wat he wanted.. so he packed up & left..

i cant believe he went to the extend as to move, cut his line & change job, js to avoid mi.. i cant believe he nv even consider mi feelings! he said in his last msg tt he knew i wld cry, but hes sori.. nvm abt the past, dun matter who rite who wrong, js move on.. he aso says he cant provide 4 mi, cos he has his aged parents at home to feed.. so js let go..

That's the EXACT fault of virtually most couple out there - by keeping mum or not saying anything DOESN'T mean it wouldn't affect the relationship. He could be silent about his feelings on this issue because it's like compromising on his part (although silent compromising is one of the least appreciated qualities around).

Remember that fat kid we used to 'suan' when we were younger? About his size and all? You THINK it wouldn't affect him? He could be cool about it, but it actually does affect his esteem.

No difference.

It seemed that your ex-boyfriend might want the relationship, yet doesn't really know what he truly wants or how he might want to steer the relationship. In the past (possibly now as well, not time has not pass to confirm this), he created a series of drama just to stimulate this thinking. It's so classic. Every guy out there who is having this problem, WILL artifically inject certain tension in the relationship just to stimulate thinking.

Then, he got his answer. He may decide his course now: the course to leave you. There are infinite reasons and of course, you and I know that these are bullsh!ts. The actual reason lies with his ego and his psyche.

I) The Ego of a man who is unable to provide very much for his love will in turn reject love to allow her to seek for greener pasture. When Uranus is strong and afflict Sun, this ego is difficult to manage. There are many man with relatively lower esteem will see themselves as 'no future' man. They want their partner to have better life, but failed to see this as a motivating factor to excel in life.

II) His love for you may have vanished long ago OR the desire to leave the relationship. But there are simply no great deal of a reason for him to end it. He may be dragging it, thus always opting for your exam period to annouce the news. Reason is simple: you will be too busy to find him and he could also avoid seeing you this period.

Do you remember this overly used phrase 'You can't force love unto someone'? IF he is not willing to be in a relationship (regardless of the length of time together), then its completely unneccessary to play 'catching' and go through the extra miles just to catch him back. The rules of 'Catching' only applies to THOSE who WANTS to play them; try catching those bystander who happen to pass by - they will NOT follow you to 'jail'.

P.S: If you got to move, you got to move. You can't wait for circumstances to force movement into you (Esp. Taurus, Scorpio, Leo, Aquarius). If that ever happenes, you would either bleed to death or your tears will fill a river.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 070605

Quote:

Originally posted by pinksnowie:
I know my current bf thru a mutual friend.

Both of us just broke off with our exes... And we were sorta keeping each other company, lending shoulders to cry and listening ears. After a very short while, we fell in love with each other. And we have been together till now...

we have been together for 4mths. Somehow I cant help thinking about his previous relationship. Cos he loved his ex alot, even proposed to her and she agreed. And they had been together for abt 4yrs! And he even cried when he talked about her (when we were just friends)... Sometime I wonder why I worry so much. Sometime I am worried cos I love him alot and dont want to lose him...

Another thing is, he has wandering eyes and sometimes his eyes will follow wherever the girls go. According to some of my friends, I should just let him see the girls. I know I cant restrict him to keep his eyes on me, but why should he keeps his eyes on them wherever they go? I told him how I feel. He said he is only just looking, not thinking of them (to me, oogling them is bad, must lest the thinking of them!). And he also says he can only look and cannot touch them, so why should I mind so much? From then onwards, whenever I mention a beautiful person, he will say he dont dare to see lest I am jealous. Erm... So what does this mean?

Conclusion: Both of us are madly in love with each other. I am more vocal in my feelings, and he will say I am too sensitive or paranoid. I dont want to be seem as so, yet I cant control expressing my feelings... And I want to get rid of these insecurities and he is not helping... What should I do?

What's completely secured? Is there such a thing? Even the 'Best Love' you could hold this lifetime could never give you a 100% security.

You two had just left your individual relationship shortly before coming together; let me reassure you that it would be impossible for him to completely sever his connection (heart, mind and soul) with his ex of four years in such short span of time. Your insecurity is not unfounded, but it may not be wise to step into it so quickly.

The more intense the flame burns, the faster it dies.

You are madly in love with him; and love made you have the desire to possess his personal three realms (Physical, Psychological and Psyche). To be afraid to lose your relationship is normal, however to be overly paranoid about it will actually cause a subconscious impact into the relationship, straining it.

Trust and your own security is like seesaw - the more trust input, you feel more insecured and this shouldn't be the case. It should be proportionate and not inverse.

P.S: Here's a question for you to consider: do you think that your love could be just companionship after an aftermath of a failed relationship? You speak naught of your previous relationship; I suppose you have already moved on.

But him? 

Cheers

Aunt Agony 010605

Quote:

Originally posted by edLow:
Confuse and the situation go:

ur colleague, J, ask u to be her bf. well, as both always play ard in office, thus u blur blur accept it, and she begin to treat u nicer and more caring, previously she one crazy and violent ger. the prob is u dont dare to admit to everyone except ur extreme close frds tat J is ur 'gf'. when ur colleagues suan u, u told them tat she just a normal frd to u. and within those closer frd in office, u just reply tat she's ur scandal. during this period of time, no physical contact (holding hands n sitting close together)

and things start to turn out bad. occasionally argue over small things and J start to show ur cold shoulder and at this moment of time, u start to realise, u like her.

so u decided to tell J bout it. but she reply u tat becos of the office r/s u 2 having now, she cant accept u. further more, u are getting a promotion soon and u will be her superior indirectly. things start to be quiet but after a few days later, u two start to call each other bf n gf again. playing n joking in office is still as usual but occasionally she show u her cold shoulder again. at the same time, u suspect she is going out with other guy, A, too. and perhaps she though u are going out with other gals too.

it ur bd, and u ask J and a few colleague go together with ur frds. tat nite, she was damn piss with u cos u was quite drunk n flirt with other gals, Y and O, rite in front of her. the following day, ur colleague, L, came and tell u tat u did something wrg. well, u donno wat L was try to say and decided to bo chap since she doesnt wan to explain too. another few days later, ur gal frd, Y, called u and told wat happen btwn u, Y and O tat nite and J's face was damn black tat time. again, u decided to bo chap and leave thing as it is... cold war

next J did something u really du lan, and u finally ignore her for gd. thinking it time to stop this rubbish. (J break with A ard this time.) 3 wks after ignoring J, she come apologise to u. war end and she start the bf-gf thing again, this time even husband-wife also come in. but she still show ur cold shoulder occasionally!

well u begun to realise something, all the while in ur heart, u say u like J. but u only say u like her to urself and ur closest frd. no action no talk. in front of ur frds, u pretend J is nobody to u. u donno why u are doing this, is it becos of self protection or u just doesnt willing to give. oh yes, ur attitude seem to be the same in ur last few r/s.

wat will u do, if u are the guy?
how will u feel if u are tat J?ans

How do you expect your situation to turn out from the way it was handled? The confusion was conjured right from your own doings. If you wanna flirt around innocently without any strings attached, make sure you stick to its rule. Do not began the game and alter the variables later on, you will serve to confuse and bring troubles later on.

You are like the typical greenhorn salesman; the one that tells you alot about his product, the function, the benefits your consumer are getting, etc - but doesn't really know how to close to deal. What you are doing is merely futile, similar to that of this typical greenhorn salesman. To know about your feelings..hint...know...acknowledge... is nothing - to SAY them and to PROPOSE a relationship, guang ming zheng da, is two drastic level.

You can't blame her for the cold war and attitude. Two reasons:

I) This is an office relationship. Cold war is common and has pretty high rate of occurence and frequency.

II) Dubious position and status.

If you fell for her and everything else isn't too complicating BY NATURE, I say go for it (Please note that this complication wasn't by nature, it was man-made). If you have to lose a relationship in the future, make sure you lose it being the boyfriend, not someone who belong to neither here nor there.

P.S: Having same previous attitude in the past doesn't justify your stance forever. You got to learn to be different other times in your life.

Cheers