Aunt Agony 190311

Originally posted by ~Owl~:

My gf has moved overseas for her studies not too long ago, I'm happy for her and encouraged her to do so because she's doing what she always wanted to do in life. Initially, we decided to put our relationship to rest because her journey there will take probably 6 years, plus a few more years of bond, probably 9 to 10 years. But her her mother spoke to me and said she was disappointed in me told me to hold on if I really loved her. I thought about it and decided to give it a try. So now we are in a LDR

She's now overseas for about a month plus, but I'm not happy at all. When she's in SG, no matter how tight our schedules were, we'll at least dedicate some time to give each other a call everyday to have some quality catch up. But now, even if free overseas call are available thru viber or skype... we barely even talk in a week. If it's not that she is tired, she'll say she is busy...even during the weekend. It doesn't feel like a relationship at all... Whenever I try to call her to tell her to spare some time for us because I really want to talk to her, it'll turn out to be a fight because she says I'm unreasonable.

I need some advise and pointers, am I really not understanding and unreasonable?

When she has chosen such phenomenally long period of time residing overseas, she has effectively chose to give up the relationship for her aspiration. In addition to having to express her thoughts already, in fact, the reason why this relationship has 'revived' is largely due to her mother's intervention.

Strictly speaking, it seemed more like her mum's choice.

Therefore, with all that circumstances, this relationship can be said to be constructed on foundation challenging to sustain the skyscraper ideals of LDR.

Love becomes an opportunity cost to individualistic pursuit; sometimes, we cannot always have the best of both worlds, especially when it comes to love.

Cheers

Back to Reality

Sorry for the slow update - yunhaier just came back from overseas and buried under tons of work. There are some pending post that I am dying to blog about, so yup! I will post it up as soon as possible. :)

Back to reality! Damn it! I soo love holidays & traveling. :)

Danza Libre

My bro shared this with the crew. Not sure how many of my readers are into dance, but even if you ain't - the concept isn't too hard to understand.

I love this piece!

Stability and Relationship (Part II)

And so yunhaier continues:

I remember a quote from Barbara DeAngelis that goes something like this: "Love is a choice you make from moment to moment" 

One would ought to understand that relationship is not something that is given, but rather something that spawn out of the natural consequence of love. And since that is not merely a symbolic representation of a choice; we in fact make our daily choices to decide how we want to deal with our relationship - from drudgery to the highly complex issues in love. Our personal attitude could decide the course of action, our response and reaction to it.

However, choices are only meaningful if all available options are laid out like fan of cards for one to choose. The problem with this perspective is that people do not learn certain attitude/behavior in love because they are not taught (and reinforced regularly) by both life and their early childhood environment, thus these 'options' just minors from the original deck of cards. For example, if one's parents are not particularly expressive/romantic lovers, it can be hard for someone to adopt this stance of loving expression unless the child's experience has contact of such nature of expression AND actively decides that he/she wants to incorporate this single card into their 'overall deck'. Perhaps the child learns 'duty', 'responsibility' and/or 'a being provider' well - shuffles fifteen cards that relates to stability with only one card of romance. Seriously, what are the odds of picking the romance card? And how long the wait when the card is finally picked, only to be consumed and get placed underneath the deck of cards? Another fifteen turns!

Romance and stability are both 'cards' that can be fused into the overall deck. The key is to balance these two components so that the relationship remains fulfilling, secured and meaningful for both parties. Therefore, if you have a lot of 'stable' cards: it's time to slot more cards of romance into your deck, so as to balance things up, vice versa. Romance does not always mean giving your partner the moon; sometimes it just about doing things together and having fun in the process. And stability does not always mean financial stability - sometimes, it also mean emotional stability.

Balance, like many things in life, is crucial to ensure longevity of love.   

Politician and Love

If Yaw Shin Leong is not an MP today - honestly, other than his wife, friends and family, who actually gives a flying damn about his infidelity (if it is actually true)?

Infidelity is more common than one think it is; but once you are a politician, like it or not, there is no way you could live as an individualistic person anymore because you are constantly being judged by people, who might not even live by the same standard of their own judgement.

Politician caught dating married woman, ah! Bad person, so he probably make a bad MP (Devil's Effect). But hey, even politician suffers the same kind of vulnerability affecting their love life. Duh, he is a human being - a man to be specific. He still needs food, sex, love and air; he is not fringing God!

Mr Yaw has been expelled from Hougang: you can read the news here

Cheers

I love Seniors

Stability and Relationship (Part I)

The nascent of a relationship be described as a period of instability or a period of love delusion. Perhaps the madness of being in love drowns the concrete sound of rationality, where love conquers all and everything else matters little.

This is not a derisive attempt to discount the possibility of what love could do, but rather, after all that mirthful gaiety has faded, what's left is but serious contemplation of practical realism - of compatibility, needs and deep yearnings, which are ironically 'things' that ought to have iron out in a major way during the course of the relationship.

Personally, I do not think that love actually fades like sunset, but rather, the effect of having real people interacting and getting along with one another is the litmus test to decide if this person is someone you will want to spend the rest of your life in a relatively functionable manner. The ingredient of marriage requires components that are distinctively, but not exactly significantly, different from a relationship. For example: stability and security.

These two 'Earthen' elements are prerequisite for any marriage to work out decently. However, one must understand that the stability any relationship enjoys is NOT part of the love that comes with it; it is part of the arduous process of compromising, making adjustment or in a nutshell: mutually agreed way of managing the relationship that first develops the structure for stability. In fact stability is an illusion - all relationship are born out of instability. Even the most perfect, compatiable partners needs to work out a system to seek for an equilibrum in love that are acceptable to both parties. People do not merely 'settle' in like a piece of predestinated puzzle.

One common issue couple faced after dating for a long period of time is that they become accustomised to this security provided by this stability and for some reason, supersede it literally as love, which is ironically not the case during formative stage of their relationship. They are in fact in love with stability that the relationship provides and gradually not being in love with their partner emotionally.

There seemed to be an inverse relationship with stability and romance; for when we are loving to our partner, it creates stability (sometimes false stability) and when our relationship is stable, we often downplay the need to be loving partners and that generate instability. And the cycle continues ad infinitum.

The notion of marriage is losing its meaning in a broad sense; making vague sense of adulthood, marked as a common destination that 'most grown ups' will arrive at. After all the gusts of blessing and grand weddings - ah congrats! The real journey of love truly begins! More of the crazy things, less of the good things - especially when kids started claiming their turf in the couple's marriage; young parents start to focus on their little prince & princess and gradually stop loving each other.

Is your marriage/relationship like that? And what can we do?

I will address it in Part II

Aunt Agony 010212

 Originally posted by Bubbamapic:

I am a guy approaching my 30s. I have been trying to find the right girl for me until now I have yet to find. I am not disclosing my race nor my nationality. All I am saying is that where I am - I am not progressing.

1) I went after this girl at church. We went out for few dates. Then she said to me that she is not interested in me and we should be friends. So I agreed. however after I attended a church meeting. Her brother in law didn't like me - when I went in one of their meetings - he slammed the door to my face. And then the some of the church members became very hostile towards me. This made me discouraged to make my first move for fear of being flamed.

2) I met this girl who work for a bank at a church camp. I got her phone number through the address book. I contacted her in effort to make conversation. Then her text messages became more and more longer to reply: sometime 1 day or 2 day. After 3 or 4 calls - she never pick up. I gave up.

3) I attend another church. Met this 25 year old girl. At first she was very nice to me. We chatted. Then she ask me out a few time but unluckily at the time my boss force me to work long hours. I had to say no. Then this other 25 year old guy at the church went after her. She became very show off to me and told me that she want this guy over me. This lady go and bargain high high price at me.

4) I did work two years serving the church. Suddenly this lady - she is in her 40. She suddenly ask me out many many times. At first she needed my help to shift some furniture and escort her to church. So I gentleman escorted her. Then she became more aggressive started asking me out more often. Then the church people also wanted to match make me with her. The church leader go and make a meeting appointment for all church members but nobody turn up except this lady and me. Then she propose we go out together. I turn her down because it starting to make us look like a couple.

I am not interested in lady in (4) because I am looking for a girl who is in her late 20s or at least early 30s - I want to start a family. I got many friend who marry at 35 or 36 with wife of same age now struggling to have babies because of the age. Anyway, I know this 40 year old lady for 1 year, i know I am not interested in her because she is very different from me. Moreover she is older than me. I don't want to marry somebody older than me

5) I met this girl at the office. About 6 month ago. She broke up with her boyfriend. They had an argument and boyfriend gave her a blackeye. So i was so excited to make my move. I decided to chat more with her. At first ok. Then I decided to ask her out. Suddenly some co worker became very hostile at me. They started to mock me. She also became very unfriendly to me and treated one guy at the office better than me. After valentine day - she accepted that guy as her new boyfriend.

At first I pursue her. But she kept avoiding me. She instead delegate one lady to distract me. This lady keep on asking me out. I am not interested in her. Because the lady she delegate to distract me - like to go night club and get drunk. She is quite a drunkerd.

Conclusion:

I am frustrated. So many years here wasted. Cannot find life partner. So hard to find. I go to gym and diet to make myself look good. I dress well. I even go and study MBA to improve my skills. I go and serve in the church. In the end - what do I have to answer for? A 40 year old spinster lady?

On the other hand. My older 40 year old brother who is so so straight guy. He never had girlfriend before. He is so innocent. Apparently he was still a virgin. Then when he migrated to Australia - he met one ang moh lady. Within two week they became a couple. Within 1 year they got married. The ang moh lady even younger than him.

I have been here for 30 years and cannot even find a girlfriend. This is ridiculous. Mankind have existed for over million year and still able to find life partner to continue the human race. Nowaday, woman is getting more affluent. Make it impossible to find life partner.

I am thinking of going to Australia to find life partner. Over here (may not be singapore) it is getting impossible. I am not getting any younger.

Why is it always like this:

1) Why cannot find boy and girl like each other and then progress from there? Instead have to find girl that bargain high price - chase her then always get rejected.

2) Why always I like the girl but the girl don't like me? Ironically those lady I don't like, they like me? And these lady who like me normally are too old (I want to find a lady who is of child bearing age and very important I must have chemistry).


 
Using similar methodology of changing the 'external' environment will not help very much unless you gain certain insights on what's inside to amend and evolve before things could realistically improve. Attempts made to dress well, look good, beef up in gym are positive improvements. However, then again, these are still external changes to certain extend, which may not be the root of issue you need to resolve to help you move forward.

Then again, it's hard to understand what is require to evolve from within unless you know the real reason why you are constantly rejected (given the fact that nobody here knows you personally). The reality is that we will never know for sure and the only probable way of finding that conclusion is through deep-honest reflection, which may run into problems of seeing things through tinted lens and our individual blind spots.

I have some points for you to think about:

(i) You do seem to be able to secure dates; just that the deal falls through (somehow) after a couple of sessions. Hence, I see this as an interaction, chemistry and/or personality related issues that require 'intervention', which are in fact internal issues.

(ii) Your source of dates comes from the same stream (church). Even though you dated different people, but the environment is largely the same, which means that diversity is limited. Instead of migration, what you could do is to expand this stream beyond that of church. However, this does not change point (i) raise above.

It is natural for some people to be anxious, if they feel that they are not 'achieving' a classic lifespan development of life (e.g. need to have friends, need to be attached, married, have children, etc). It is a matter of your priority and needs at this current stage of life, which other people may not have any problem to begin with in the first place for sympathy to occur. For example, if my skill sets are always in demand and I am constantly employed, it's hard for me to understand what it feels like to be retrenched and unemployed because a fairly bias conclusion I could (not necessary will) make is that this person is probably 'inferior', thus he is eliminated by competition.

Also, you have quite precise expectation of what you want for a partner, but be careful about letting these expectations govern your dating experience when it should be the other way round. It is totally anti-seductive when a woman feels that a man is constantly checking her out based on his expectation of what he wants because in this equation, there is nothing about the woman herself.

Be aware not to transform your needs into a self absorbed imaginary of your own individualism.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 180112

Originally posted by Undiscoveredsoul98:

I have a lady friend whom I've known for 7 years. We knew each other while working at the same place back then. We both got along well.

Some 4 years later, I develop feelings for her. After a month of consideration, she told she cant accept me for fear that she will lose me as a friend if our relationship dont work out. I understand that its nearly impossible to be friends after a break up. Though she broke my heart, I never hated her or hold grudges against her for that. I respected her decision. She told me she hoped we could remain friends even after this incident. I'm fine with that but it will take some time for me to get over her since we are working in a same place and see each other almost everyday.

And so the next 18 months have been rather difficult for me as I was struggling to get over her while still remain friends. There are times when I would ignore her at work as I need to withdraw myself from her in order for me to move on. That has always been the most effective method for me if I need to forget about a girl. But since we are still in the same place, it was one hell of a challenge for me. Each time when I stop talking to her or ignore her, even its just for short time, she would get very upset. She would tend to tell other girls in our place about me not talking to her. It seems that I'm somehow important to her even though Im just a friend. Like as if me not communicating with her is a big issue to her.

And so now, we are no longer working in the same place and working in different places. We are still friends, she even told me she consider me her close guy friend. Thats something no other girls had ever said to me. We both shared personal problems and secrets. Some of my friends advised me to treasure this friendship with this girl even though I failed to make her my gf.

I know many people would say that Im one of those guys who will always remain in the "friend" zone with girls. As bad as it sounds, perhaps there is a good thing to it. At least I dont have to deal with her ugly side, which she warned me she tends to act in such a way in a relationship.

So my point here is, though she is attached with a guy, she still wants me in her life. She make it seems that I am one of those people who mattered to her in her life. Im really touched, and I appreciate it. I do love her as a friend. I never had any girls treating me in such a sweet way. Being her close friend is like a "2nd place" thingy. Do I really matter to her much judging by how things have been going on between me & her? She might be sad if I really leave her.

If you don't believe in existence of platonic friendship in a purist way, then you probably never will. It's hard to 'develop' it because you just can't believe in it solely from one dimension unless there are major tweaks in your overall belief and coping system in love. It is not impossible - just that the bar of change is significantly high to pursue. It can be done, just notably arduous to sustain.

The point of you needing to be 'separated' from her presence is ultimately a coping measure - which is rather commonly employed. Perhaps she could do it because she holds a separate belief system, in addition to the fact that she is not romantically linked to you. That makes her easier to decide if she wants to keep the friendship, yet without having to struggle intensively like you.

But you are not her: you have to decide if this choice of yours is delaying your development in love (with other people). If I were to be brutely honest, it is likely that both of you probably acts as a buffer for mutual emotional support to certain extend - just no title to officiate your role.

Of course, if one part of your soul feeds on that tiny ray of hope, thinking that 'for as long as you are in the queue, you might actually end up somewhere', then don't be disappointed if things do not turn out to be the way you desired because you made the choice to stand in that queue when you could have easily walk away.

Cheers

Piece of Lard 02 (18 Jan 12)

The fat calling the lump larder.

Love for better for worst

Recently, I came across one homeless couple; though behind every homeless person lies their tale of unfortunate circumstances, but somehow, this particular case struck me deep.

I was about to process with them on what they 'could' do to effectively get out of this mess. The only problem with my proposal is that it requires them to be separated. However, even after careful reflection and processing, the couple blatantly rejected my offer because they felt that they must be in this together - even if the situation has reached an extreme doldrums.

What could be worst than living a life of fear - without shelter, food and safety? According to Maslow, you can't even fulfill level one and that's basically the shittest circumstances you could land yourself into.

"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness."

Wedding vows; I wonder how many people could really uphold this.

Perhaps for all you know - love might just the illusionary facade to fuel the cold machinary of karmic debts among people.

Aunt Agony 110112

Originally posted by _0h_gosh_:

Hello guys.. First time posting here and I have something to say about this woman I know.

I knew this gal back in 2007, we were both attached with our own bf and gf at that time. However, she and I got together and had a secret relationship for almost 10 months till end of 2007. We ended this secret relationship and didn't contact each other again. Somehow I got to know that she broke up with her bf in early 2008, then she got married to another guy in 2009, and gave birth in 2009 too. I believe it was a shotgun marriage with a guy whom she hung out with a couple of months.

We didn't contact each other since end of 2007. I have deleted her number and couldn't even remember any of her numbers. Then in Sep 2010, I received an unknown sms and asked about me. I replied and asked who this person is. She mentioned her name and I was like WTF?!? What does she want now...

We exchanged a few sms after that and we met up, everything started again. We had sex in the car, after which I made it clear to her that I do not want to have any special relationship with her as she is already married with a child. She was ok... somehow we ended like friends with benefits, we solely meet up for sex. But somehow we still have some feelings involve, we kinda like each other.... This relationship continue from Sep 2010 till now, we continue see each other for meals sometimes but she has rejected me in sex for a couple of months recently. I asked her to have sex with me but she kept rejecting... after which I told her to break up and stop seeing each other... But she insisted that she still want me as her "boyfriend" and want to continue to see me. I was like WTF does she want? I was thinking: "If you wanna have an affair with me and do not wanna have sex with me, why continue on with this relationship??"

I am meeting her to talk again, so as to conclude everything.... Anyway, why does a woman, who is married with a child, still want another man? And why does she still want a "boyfirend" and yet reject him in sex? She gave me all kind of stupid reasons of not having sex with me. What kind of benefits does she have in this kind of relationship? She told me that she love me more than her husband, and even asked me if I will accept her if she divorce him and leave the kid with him.... I was kinda shocked with her comments.

What do you guys think of this woman? Should I avoid her forever? I have feelings for her, but my gut feeling told me that she and I will never be together, and I should stop seeing her... sometimes I will kinda miss her and lost that will to stop myself from seeing her.... I do not want to break up her family... sometimes I only want to have that secret relationship with her still, it could be the sex and excitment that made me clinge onto her, but I know that it is kinda "bastard" doing that and I should stop it....

You made the deal and she accepted. After all, friends with benefits have pretty clear T&C; just that in your case, she didn't uphold her side of the bargain, which made things a little more complicated.

How your sub rosa relationship first begin has a significant influence over the development of later episodes. Since the clandestine relationship was a secret back then, your probable position in her heart is likely to be someone she could secretly fall back on whenever she felt dissatisfied with her relationship. After all, sex was probably part of the equation on both separate phase in the relationship, hence that seemingly sinful arrangement is nothing special in particular. But what you might not realize is that she is probably getting some degree of emotional dependence on this poorly structured relationship, regardless of how sparingly you thought you have provided.

She does not technically need the physical sex, rather, she craves for emotional connection. This probably explains why she could withdraw sex from the deal, but still want the relationship because after all, you have always been the secret lifeline that she depends on emotionally (although on your end, you see it purely as a physical exchange).

Allow me to give you an analogy: say if you are a salesman and you sell Cartel watches - To you: you probably feel that you are merely selling a watch because you sell this product to many people. But to the customer, they don't only just buy a watch - they just bought prestige, brand, status and everything else intangible that came with the purchase.

Not technically, but implicitly.

Well, she has abandoned the original deal and submitted another 'proposal'. If you cannot accept the new terms, then it's your decision to decide if you want to call it a day or resubmit another 'proposal'.

Cheers

Making Mistakes

Recently, I had a couple of conversations with people rather depressed and one common theme came up; that people are angry with themselves for making 'stupid' choices, whom they ought to have listen to 'themselves' and do otherwise long ago.

Sometimes, we are so caught up with doing only the right thing that we become overly self critical. No qualms about it, just that I felt that we could be a little easier on ourselves, especially on circumstances we have little control over.

Supposedly if it rains one day and the rain drenched the clothes you just washed a while ago; you probably have two typical blaming style; you either blame yourself for bringing the clothes out to dry or you blame the rain. As for the former, it is a natural decision - we hang our clothes out to dry after washing. Duh. So in this natural course of action, that would always be the default mode of action. Blaming on something that is 'natural' makes us even more miserable.

In a classic lifespan, relationship is but a natural unfolding of experience. When we grow up, we make many friends and a couple ends up in a relationship with us. Being in a relationship would naturally means that we put ourselves in a vulnerable position, so as to allow love to teach us what we need to become a better person and lover. In that eventful journey, it is only likely that we make a couple of mistakes along the way because it allow us to understand the importance of value and appreciation.

Therefore, don't blame yourself for circumstances you have little control over, especially when it doesn't go the way you hope it would. Learn to forgive yourself because you must always remember that no matter how weary the darkness, you alone hold the light to dispel the ghastly night.

Piece of Lard 01 (24 Dec 11)

Today I own this post and not that smarty pants Yunnie. Even though my england not as good, but I win hands down in Singlish. In addition, I also learn to throw my weight around... literally. So I win. 

Through my tiny eyes, I read the Straits Times and come across this article. You can read the article online at here:

P.S: Actually, the interesting part is this little column beside the main article and it highlighted other similar offenses.

[Quote] In 2009, a 32-year-old former Chinese and civics and moral education teacher was jailed for 10 months. The mother of two had engaged in sex acts with her 15-year-old student six times in chalets and in her flat. [/Quote]

***

Signing off,
Mousy Mouse
World's Most 'Powderful' Gambling Mouse

Aunt Agony 241211 (Continued from AA II 221211)

Originally posted by Hseng25:

Im in the process of moving on.. Before I deleted her contact last night.. I texted her how I really felt and wished her all the best to her and her bf. She replied thx. I know I shouldn't have texted her but I just wanna have my final say. This morning she greeted me with a cheerful smile so I guess no more hard feelings between us. I guess u guys are right, she might be a player. A very pro experience player with lots of free time. It hurts... This is my first time I ever met such a lady. I guess I've boosted her ego already.

I believe you might have found the answer you seek - all the best for your love life.

P.S: My sense (imho) is not so much about her being a player, but seemed more like some developmental issues to me. But well, that's only my two cents.

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 221211

Originally posted by Hseng25:

There’s this girl working in the same company as I am but in different depts. She’s a single 40yr old lady working in the HR dept and I’m a 29yr old guy. One day I found out that she was sick at home, I made her freshly made juices for a week and she texted me that she was actually very moved & thanked me. (Our normal way of communication is through texting as we work in different areas of the same company)

After a few days of texting casually, I confessed to her via text. Her first response was ” Are u pulling my leg? Do u know how old am I? If you were to know my age u wouldn’t talk to me again.” I told her I didn’t care about her age and she doesn’t need to tell me how old she is. Ever since then, I would always find a chance to pop by her desk with a smile and tease her a little. Our text messaging became very frequent. We would call each other up and chat on the phone for a while at night. We told each other to take this relationship slow and easy so we can get to know each other more and etc.

For 2 weeks, she was texting me a lot. From the time we start work till night and we’ll end with a short conversation. I tried to ask her out a couple of times but she says she’s very busy especially near year end, she suggested that we could take off from work 1 day and go out. She gave me a date but can’t promise me yet till she confirms her time table. (She’s genuinely busy near year end as she’s the manager of the HR dept and she is 24 hours on standby to run errands for the boss)

I asked her out for dinner after work a couple of times but she always told me she’s going out dinner with her LADY friends. She seems to intentionally say the word “lady” louder to make sure I don’t misunderstand. Even though she’s out with her friends, she would still constantly text me and call me at night before we head to bed. I got frustrated and wonder why does she prefers to go out with her friends than me, it seems she was playing hard to get. And her constant text messaging everyday kind of made me even more frustrated. Constant texting in terms of like every 10-15mins starting from 8am all the way to the night including weekends! She would text me about everything she’s doing and asking about myself as if we are both dating already. I’ve gently reminded her that i can’t keep up with her texting at work, she said to ignore her but the text never slowed down a bit. Frustrated and running out of patience, I told her ” Stop msging me again, I don’t intend to have a cyber GF.”

She stopped texting me ever since. She was absent from work the next day. Out of concern I texted her & called her but no replies. The next day at work, I popped by her desk to ask how is she. She ignored me and looked very upset. I bought flowers to apologize to her the next day at work. She texted me ” Thx and appreciate it very much but no need for flowers and your juices. We shall remain colleagues and friends and I’m not suitable for you.” I asked her whats wrong and she kept replying the same thing. I told her i know i made a mistake by sending that text that hurt her and not to judge me just on one text. I asked her why wouldn’t she give me 2nd chance. we haven’t went out alone with each other to feel each other but her response was the same. I got angry and told her its fine by me but i won’t even consider her as a friend anymore but just co worker thats all. She replied ” Don’t be so immature. thx. “

Next day, a co worker of mine had a chat with her. She suddenly pointed at my picture in the company photo and complained why am i so fierce and never smiled. Afraid of getting our co worker’s suspicion, she quickly changed subject. Few days later, I humbled myself and apologized to her. She replied ” Its not your fault, the problem lies with me. Its just that I can’t find myself to accept someone so much younger than i am and i wish we could chat like before.” But ever since then, every time I texted her casually she would take a long time to reply or never reply at all. Confused, I called her and asked her whats wrong and we ended up in a very very very bad argument.

Since then, I avoided her and stopped all contact for 3 weeks. Then one day we accidentally bumped into her other at the hallway, she smiled back at me and asked me not to be hostile. At first I thought she wanted revenge but i emailed her that night to apologize and she accepted it. We would still smile at each other at work and greet each other. Feeling regretful and desperate to rekindle the relationship before, I apologized to her through text like 2-3 times on different days.A few days later, I texted her asking how is she, she would coldly reply me. Feeling desperate again, I thanked her for forgiving me and saying sorry, she replied ” Stop msging me this kind of msg, my bf is getting pissed off.” (I knew she was lying cos she was out with a grp of colleagues at that time.)

After a couple of days at work, we bumped with each other at the hallway again. She gave me a nasty look. I told myself to forget about her and move on so I ignored her since then. But at work whenever she saw me she would do silly things like calling out very loudly to a friend of mine, interrupting our conversation. I had to pass by her work space today and she slammed her mouse loudly and signed. When ever she passes the hallway, i caught her several times turning her head to my working area. ( She knows its only me and one guy working at that area.) I would find her staring at me when I’m in the office. She would flirt with the guy colleagues at work. A co worker whom I told him about both of us said she’s obviously seeking my attention. I have no idea what does she exactly want. A few close co workers who are friends with her said that she’s already 40 and feeling lonely and that she’s extremely short tempered.

Sorry for my bad english and so much details but I hope you can get a clear picture of what i am going through now. The desperate and negative feelings i had is gone and I’m my old happy self but the things she is doing is annoying me. It seems the more i ignore her the more she wants to grab my attention. Yes i still have feelings for her as she is really a nice lady but her immature actions are actually lame. I have moved on from her but if there is a chance i really want to try to rekindle the relationship we had before and progress further. I know I made many mistakes like being short temperd and showing her my desperateness by apologizing to her 3-4x before. At the moment I’m still ignoring her but i still do greet her whenever we bump in each other at work.

I really don’t understand why is she doing this. Is she out for revenge now? Or did she regret of letting me go and trying to see what’s my response? Or is it both? I’m really confused.


Actually I am just wondering what's your issue; although you have stated clearly that you want to move on, but you still have feelings for her. I am just thinking if you are wondering if (1) you would like something to happen, but you don't know how to proceed from here or (2) you just want to avoid having this an awkward position with her?

What is your intention? Is your desire outcome still a relationship?

Or you are already moving?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 221211

Originally posted by Freakgeek:

My closest guy friend recently confessed that he likes me. He's a really nice guy, almost an ideal bf for me and although I kinda like him back, I'm at a lost of what to do..

I dont think I'll be a good gf (due to my prev rs) thus I feel unworthy of his love for me..I can get very paranoid and I'm a very insecure person. I admit I'm quite spoilt at times and I'm especially temperamental when its the time of the month. I'm neither pretty nor I'm those girls who put on make-up or dress fashionably well and I fear that I'll be more of an embarrassment for him in front of his family and friends. To put it simply, I'm not somebody whom a typical guy will fall for but he is the type of guy that maybe any girl will fall for..

I honestly fear that if we get together, he'll one day realize that I'm just somebody so ordinary/horrible and I'll end up losing him like how I lost my ex whereby we dont even talk to each other anymore, not even as friends. I treasure our friendship so much so I dont know if I should take the risk in bringing this friendship to a whole new level.

Is it even right for me to think this much? Or are my worries totally uncalled for? What will you do in my situation? Just seeking opinions out there, thanks :(



The conundrum between remaining as friends or progressing further; ultimately it is your call. The ironic fact is that the more reasons we use to justify the existence of a relationship, the less likelihood it would happen. However, I am not advocating for a 'no' - just that we have to decide what is it that we really want and make a choice. Remember this: remaining status quo through inactivity is a choice by itself.

All woman has their own insecurities; in varying degrees some ways or another. I would think that it is natural. However, if you feel that yours are slightly geared outside standard deviation, then you might want to find out the root of this insecurity, what exactly it is and how you would like to deal with them from a personal transformation point of view and not from a relational aspect.

Somehow, your post seemed to suggest that you are not worthy of him; rationally, that is the weakest form of emotional reason/s to justify a 'reject'. Well, if you like something, you just like it. It may not be a big deal to others, but hey, it's your opinion and choice. After all, beauty and love is not structured in a universal format that 'permits' certain exclusive category of people who are capable of being in love and those who are dismissed off this potential. Does not seem to work in that way.

Being in love is a self permitted right; if you decide that you are unworthy, then naturally, in your experience, you have learned that you are unloving and nothing good will ever come out of your love life.

Your belief will end up being a reality.

If having a friend is more important, then you will always find it hard to progress anything further than a bff. Because ultimately, like all things in life, there is always an element of risk. Even the best of relationship has that potential to become something sour. However, if your greatest challenge to proceed further is because you deemed yourself as unloving, then you might want to reflect on how you would want to unlearn this 'lesson' and overwrite it with a positive note.

Once you have self love; your perspective will naturally change.

Cheers

Nice Guys Flowchart

Following this logic, nice guys are at the bottom of the food chain. ROFLMAO!

Can't Stop Cheating

Interesting; TNP ran an article about the seeming stunning percentage of people who have admitted sexually cheating on their partner.

A poll of 506 Singaporean - 257 men and 249 woman were asked to describe their attitude towards sex and relationship. In the survey, it was noted that 22% of men are having affairs and 19% of woman in Singapore are unfaithful. Statistically speaking, it's about 1 in 5 for both man and woman.



Psychiatrist Tommy Tan claims that cheating is 'hardly surprising' as 'cheating is an innate quality in humans'. Surely from the biological and from the ID perspective, we could accept that as a probable explanation (I mean I use that sort of reasoning too). However, what's intriguing about this rationale is that then what has 'happened' for those who could maintain fidelity - what has developed, gain or experience which has stir away them from this innate quality?

Seemed that reasoning is not always the best defense; after all, those who have cheated knew that it was somewhat 'morally wrong' (I wouldn't go define what's morally wrong since I don't really believe in that line of reasoning - at least in relationship).

If not, then what?

P.S: Astrologically speaking, planets involving Venus, Mars, Neptune, Saturn and house involving 5th, 7th, 8th & 12th house and the energy of triplicity needs to be examined in details.

Dishonesty

Generally, we all cheat occasionally in life. By this definition of cheat, I am referring loosely to dishonesty and 'not doing what we are suppose to be doing'. It does not always exist in relationship, but manifest in other ways like peeping at friend's answer during exam, not returning 50 cent back, keeping the extra pack of MacDonald french fries given to us by mistake or even cutting queue. Though we may not technically be malicious or intentional (which would mean that we cannot constitute that strictly as 'cheating)', but you get my drift. There are times when we do the 'right' things and times we don't.

Sometimes, we don't burden our mind with such unnecessary minuscule concerns

I would find it hard for a completely honest person to exist, not because I don't believe in the concept of honesty (in fact, I do believe with fair amount of faith that honesty is sometimes the best policy), but the flesh is weak and we are generally mortals. Research has shown and proven that nobody is absolutely honest or dishonest - everyone lies in between.

However, my question is that: if your partner lied to you and was caught red-handed - what are the categorical measures that you have subconsciously internalized to decide which lies are forgivable verses the ones that are considered unatoning sins?

Or are you the one that let your emotions (sometimes illogical) sense cast the verdict, subjected highly to varied circumstances and possibly more lies?

P.S: I remember my old astrology days of detecting lies via Mercury affliction with Neptune. Hah, I should beef up my statistic skills and decide if this was empirically (and significantly) true. :)

What do you think?

Aunt Agony 101211 (continued from AA 301111)

Originally posted by Jlsky70:

i had a talk with my wife last night. It was not a pleasant talk. After i persistently asked, she finally admitted she is having affair with her colleague and it involves sex. She told me she fell in love with that guy not long after he started wooing her several months ago. He's single and 2 years younger than her. He's also her manager in the company.

I asked her why she do this and what i have done wrong to make her do this. She just said sorry to me and that it wasn't my fault. It's just that she had fallen deeply in love with that guy and willing to give up everything just to be with him. She cried too.

I was extremely sad. I was crushed. The whole world seems to be tumbling down on me. I told her then that divorce is the only way as she doesn't love me anymore and chose to be with that guy instead. She said she will agree to the divorce if i really want it but she still wants our daughter.


It must be devastating to have the whole truth thrown into your face. Though having a HTHT was indeed effective in reducing your suspicion to a conclusion, but still, it must be absolutely heartbreaking and painful when the blow was delivered.

The presence of a third party is concrete; though surely there would be a combination of both push & pull factor/s that helped to generate this unfortunate outcome, I must say that nobody is absolutely the cause. Also, when she appears to be certain that she wants to be with the other man, your stated option was helpless acquiescence. I feel you: having to let your wife go when you discovered that this love wasn't as genuine, almost like false gold with strips of the imitation material flaking out loosely like some cheap goods.

The practical component of the divorce will flow in much later; when you move into proceeding, custody and the affidavit of assets and means. However, that does not always make us feel better emotionally. Right now, I hope you could gather some good friends to share with them about your situation so that you have somebody around you for support at least. Or if you feel that you would like individual counselling to sort yourself out, you could PM me and I could direct (refer) you to the necessary resources. (Don't worry it wouldn't be me and I do not need to know your identity at all).

Please take good care of yourself.

Cheers

爱跟距离

爱情它并不是个外在物，

而是内心散发出的一种美。

即使那无形的距离

能把两个相爱的人

隔在不一样的空间

那也只不过是无用的搦战



- 云孩儿 x Jess

Aunt Agony II 301111

Originally posted by risou:

I'm 29 now, she's 27.

I was there for her when she broke up with her ex (of 7yrs), 3.5yrs ago. I was there when she decided to change her job, when her favourite pet died, when she got a chronic illness and got depression due to that. I did everything I could to make her feel loved, to be one to solve her problems, to travel via cab when going out because she needs alot of rest, because she gets fatigued easily, leading to more pain. To accompany her even if it meant travelling to and fro, myself often reaching home late.

She struggled with her pain and depression, when nobody seemed to understand what it means to be in her shoes. It is tough on her. I thought I was on the right track or at least was close to it.

She ended the r/s a month ago. Her friends and colleagues and mum and doc took her side. I know I had my failings, failings which to me could be made right given some time. But not to her, someone who thinks alot about things and usually makes negative assumptions on them, as much as I had tried to inject some positivity to her.

I am totally broken now. She has blocked me on social media. She now has her colleagues and friends' support. I don't really have any.

I really don't know what to do. My entire life revolved around her. There's nothing in my life except working, eating and sleeping now. Almost everything that I see and use are related to her in some way.

I NEED HELP. PLEASE HELP.



When you have position your entire life around a transitory figure, naturally, you are bound to be on the road to emotional destruction. It is not the risky preposition you have adopted in an absolute sense, but rather, the concept of giving yourself up (inclusive of your personal self worth) has a drastic reduction of social value, which she would often transform you into 'something else' other than the guy she first knew.

When you play the role of a boyfriend, you must understand that that is not a nurse, maid or personal assistant; the intensity of your love & care might come across as potentially choking.

Though it may appear that your writings seemed to suggest that you are more positive, subconsciously, you are likely to be negative (probably similar or worst). The seeming positive facade is somewhat ingeniously masks through overcompensating care and concern while the real insecurity nest within the core. If you were to be bluntly honest to yourself, you might actually realize that probably you care more about having to accomplish the final step to your next phase of life instead of your ex-gf per se.

Your post does not reveal anything about your stated 'failings', other than a string of narcissistic perception. Perhaps, you could post - not what you have done for her - but her chief considerations to call it quit. The picture would then be clearer.

P.S: You might have lost the relationship, but you could still keep those lessons.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 301111

Originally posted by Jlsky70:

I'm a married man with a 3 years old daughter.

I suspect that my wife is having an affair with a colleague of hers.

I realized that since several months ago, she has been spending a lot of time with her male colleague. He sends her to work and send her home from work everyday. She comes home late every night and claims that she needs to work overtime. She also goes out and only comes home late at nights or early mornings on weekends.

She spends little time at home and we seldom have time to talk. Her work also requires her to travel overseas frequently and i know that on many trips, she went with that colleague.

I'm at lost now and not sure what to do. Can someone give me some opinion or advice.

We have been married for 3 year plus and she wasn't like this in the past. She always came home early after work and seldom go out so late on weekends. She has changed quite a lot lately.

I'm still thinking of how to confront her like some of you have suggested, As for hiring of PI, i think it's a bit too much right? But i'm taking it into consideration.

She told me last night that she's going on a working trip to Penang tomorrow. I asked her who's going with her. She said a few colleagues. But i noticed she didn't look at my face when answering that and her answer didn't sound very convincing.

Then my wife had left for Penang yesterday. That male colleague of hers came to drive her to the airport. I’m not sure whether he went along. She will be there till Friday.

I haven’t got the opportunity to talk to her. I tried on Monday night, but she wasn’t paying any attention to my questions as she was busy texting on her handphone.

Nowadays , we hardly have much time to talk properly. She comes home late every night saying that she needs to work overtime. On weekends, she also goes out the whole day after breakfast at home and comes home around 9-10pm. She said her work is very stressful and she needs to go out to chill out and relax a bit. But what about me? I don’t need to relax? How about our daughter? Where is her mommy?

Last month, during the Deepavali period, she went to Taiwan for holidays from 22/10/11 to 28/10/11. She claimed that she went with “friends”. Until now I haven’t seen her holiday photos. She said that photos were taken using her friends’ camera!! She carries IPhone and brought a Nikon digital SLR there!!

It never crossed my mind to have DNA test to check whether I’m the biological father of my daughter. I never doubted because I believed that I was the only men in her life. We were together for 3 years before we got married and she was 3 month pregnant when we went to ROM to register our marriage and 5 months pregnant during Chinese wedding dinner. I love my daughter very much, and I have no intention to go for DNA test.

I’m feeling very miserable now thinking that she might be with that guy in Penang now. I’m worried about hiring PI too. What if it turns out that she is not having any affair at all? She’ll be very angry to find out I hire a PI to spy on her right? That will make matter worse right?



It must be hurting when you have strong grounds to suspect your wife having an affair with another man, especially when the logical flow of events reinforces the notion of cheating. There are many ways to know if she is having an affair, however, somehow that is still not my primary concern. Be prepared when you decide to pursuit what you probably felt as 'the truth' behind the scene' because what I am concerned about is the aftermath.

What will happen after you corroborates your suspicion with facts?

Structurally, the relationship has all factors pointing towards some dire breakdown; nonexistent communication and apt towards an individualistic lifestyle. In fact, the start of the marriage was somewhat 'coerced' - with greater consideration towards the unborn child before marriage.

You may be ready psychologically and emotionally for your marriage, but this remains a question for her. And albeit she may be ready for the marriage, she might not be ready to be a mother and lead a family-centric life.

Agreeing to be married does not answer this question; just like pregnancy does not automatic make mothers out of women.

***

You are entitled to know the truth that veils behind her seemingly 'busy' lifestyle - but before you go about confronting her and ask honestly (or hire a PI); you might want to assume the worst scenario (which is yes she is cheating on you) and reflect on why this marriage has gone wayward because it would help you to craft out the content to engage a HTHT with her to see if this marriage is still salvageable.

P.S: A perfectly satisfied woman cannot be seduced; surely there is some unmet needs that is being fulfilled by the other guy. Knowing/confirming that she is seeing/being close (physically or emotionally) to another guy does not provide you the insights of what went wrong with your marriage.

You know that you have not been talking; make that happen and see how it goes.

Cheers

Art of Rejection

The art of rejection is depended largely on progressive fatality. If a regressive model is adopted instead, then the pursuer will read it as a sign of passion (or weakness) and would pounce on you even harder.

You Are the Apple of My Eye (那些年，我們一起追的女孩)

I caught a midnight show (Apple of my Eye); wanted it partly because of social reasons and the huge influx of positive comments scattered across my FB wall by people who posted it on their status update, raving about how good the film is.

I watched and here are my thoughts: it was a funny-good show, though imho I don't think it was anything extraordinary (but hey, I guess it was intentional). The general theme is about flashback & regrets, portrayed in a simple way, which I reflected and thought that I would actually love the film if I was much younger. Categorically speaking, this film would likely to appeal to four kinds of people:

i) People who experienced regret in relationship and are now in the 'moving-on (or moved on) stage' already.

ii) People who are largely sentimental, apt to fall back on past memories or generally have a happier past relationship, which they now do not possess.

iii) People who are/were playing the script of the 'we-can't-be-together-but-I-wish-you-all-the-best-from-the-bottom-of-my-heart' role.

iv) Romantic fans who love all kinds of romance/love movies.

The show idolize the concept of 'waiting' with 'greater-good love'. Somehow the two condition could be artistically enmeshed without difficulty from a film's perspective, but in reality, such combination often reeks of misery for people suffering from such predicament. The subtle message is in fact more important (if anyone caught it): that we must eventually move on at some point in our life, even if there are regrets we cannot resolve completely. The male lead kissing the groom at the end was explained as part of his perceived quirky personality, which she knew since secondary school days. Though it was a projection of his hidden affection, he did nothing to her and there was space in between them talking - it symbolize mutual respect and boundary.

The film perspective centered largely from the male lead, which he had unfinished business and his female lead, seemingly sharing this unfinished business with him - albeit she has already agreed to marry the man who would take care of her for the rest of his life. In reality, the brides at their wedding would have no recollection of such past at the moment when they don their wedding dress. In fact, the fatigue of preparation would preoccupy most of their concern. Also, the female perspective is largely missing (since it is 九把刀 reflection of his teenage years, he would not know what is truly going on in the mind of his crush): juxtapose similar context in reality, any woman would have already moved a distance so far in her love life that this episode, no matter how poignant and dramatic, would have been cast aside into the depth of her subconscious, only to resurface briefly during random all girls' night and talks.

In reality, a woman/man would acknowledge the affection that she/he has in the past, but that is probably all about it.

No intense kisses. No meteor. No rainbow. No nothing.

My conclusion?

Find your own lead in life to begin writing chapters of your love life and not wasting it by indulging in relationship that was never meant to be yours in the first place. It may seemed glorious to revel in those 'unmeant' relationship, but it is meaningless when you become far too self absorbed in attaching meaning to something has already cease to exist.

Then it becomes an obsession and no longer possess the quality of love.

My Personal Education beyond 2012

I have decided how I want to steer my personal learning for 2012 and beyond.

Since four years back, I have never stopped studying; by right, I should be celebrating my new found freedom in the exciting year of 2012, but I realized that I am so accustomed to such intense pace and mode of learning that I actually find it degenerating if I dropped that entirely. Yet the prospect of chasing paper, exams and assignments is not something sexy to me. It fact, it turns me off.

I figured that I hate studying - I only like learning.

Furthermore, the only discipline I would really love to study is Philosophy, but it has prerequisite of a full time commitment and such price tag is just not possible practically.

I reflected and figured that I could actually secure a middle way through this: I could chart my own personal education through self discipline and personalization, by deciding (1) what I want to learn, (2) narrow it, (3) force implement period of time to read and learn (4) and most importantly: (5) persist. The greatest challenge for such 'self education' is really: how the phuck are you going understand the technicality of certain 'chim' theory if you don't understand and there is nobody to ask?

Then I must depend on my own social capital, network and the vast internet to seek the answers I need. Honestly, I don't really think it is the answer that is crucial, but the process of me finding that answer is the training I want to put myself into, since I do not have exams and assignments to 'evaluate' my own education, then my self-seeking spirit and drive to grasp knowledge in this manner would be a hundred times more effective.

After all, I self taught astrology - I could use the same method on how I achieve that to achieve this - albeit it's on a much larger scale.

I will work out details and present it to myself by Dec 2011. :)

Watch this Space

Sorry for the lack of updates - it has truly been a arduous and busy period for Yunnie.

I am going probably going to have major revamp on this blog very soon after 12 Nov 2011.

Watch this space. :)

Aunt Agony 250511

Originally posted by henshin:

Hi, guys. I had a problem that I got no one to turn to because it’s also relatively complicated to my friends to help me too, so I seek your help or advice in the aid of solving the problem. Some may still remember my “age gap” thread, but I’ll explain it again here.It’s a relationship problem and it’s really difficult for me to solve it. Let’s refer this girl as J.

I knew her for almost 4 years, all started that she joined the martial arts club I was in too. During that time I was a trainee and so had a lot of time to chat with her during training or the break in between. Soon I realized that I fell for her, I started to look out for her. Some time later, I had a chat with her and soon confessed. May be because of the 5 years age gap we had and may be her family problem too (yeah, I shouldn’t had fall for her at that age, but it happened), we agreed that we wait for another 3 years before we get together. Now here comes the first stupid thing I did back then, I said that I don’t mind if she found a guy better than me within this 3 years, but she must tell me honestly and she agreed to it.

After the “3 years promise” we remained as very good friends, even my coach and friends had noticed how close that me and her had become. Everything was ok until like 6 months after making the promise, I started to notice that she had posted a lot of status about love on other social website. I couldn’t help but to start getting paranoid and suspicious. One day I finally asked her whether is that she had a boyfriend outside there? Initially she said no, but after much persuasion, she finally admitted that she indeed had one outside without my knowing. I know that we are not a couple yet and it really hurt me a lot, she even mentioned that she treated me like a brother all the while. I was destroyed the moment she said that, I wonder if that’s the case, why would she make the promise along with me. It’s the only time I’ve made promise to a special girl and ever since then, no girls had gave me the feeling that she gave me.

Ever since that day, my heart as if it has died. I could no longer find anything interesting, thus I devoted myself in school work and martial arts training at that time.

After a month or 2, I realized that she broke off with her boyfriend, whom I had no idea who is it. But I never thought of woo-ing her again until one day in the late 2009, she asked me out to take a neoprint. I was shocked as I never really take a neoprint before, let alone with a girl alone. We had a good chat that day and finally parted ways as she need to go home and I’m meeting another group of friends.

Following that neoprint taking, we slowly chat like how we used to in the past when I woo-ing her. We began to get close like how we used to again, my coach noticed it and hint me that the line of a trainer and a trainee must be clear, but I don’t really care because during training, I am too busy in teaching the others. (I was a black belt at that point of time)

We carried on like that for some time, then I finally had the first date with her, it’s watching a movie. I am very nervous at that time and I almost unable to talk well in front of her. Not only the date, we also like gave each other something. She once gave me a pudding which she made it herself. A lot of my friends told me it’s a good sign, but some also said it’s a different idea. Of course, I made her a cake as well and she liked it.

There was once which that I’m meeting her to give her the birthday present I had for her, it’s a watch. I realized that her aunt (who is taking care of her since she grow up in a single parents family) was giving me the look like scanning me from head to toe. Even her older brother was doing the same thing. Other than the birthday gift, I also folded her 13 roses as I can’t afford that much roses during the valentine’s day. The message more or less was very clear, I want to woo her again.

Several times we talked about this, but she never actually faced it directly. Always saying that she needs time to think. So a week before the enlistment day, I asked her again. She said she did give it a thought of being together as a couple, but she said it might be better to stay it that way, she can’t imagine us being together. It’s another shock to me, which also caused me to almost had a depression during the confinement week. We made it clear that we should remains as very good friend and here’s the second stupid promised that I’ve made to her, I’ll never leave her. My friends once again scolded me for doing so, but I feel that she’s that special for me to do so.

During my time in BMT, I spent a lot of time talking to her whenever it’s possible. Although it’s all through sms, but I like to chat with her, it always bring a smile to my face.

Nothing really happen until recently, when I go back to army after my surgery. We started talking, again, like how we used to when I’m trying to woo her. Talking about relationship and stuff. Although it’s not as good as what the previous 2 times were, but it sure felt like it’s slowly progressing into repeating it’s history. Recently, I just made the 3rd promise which my friends thought it’s stupid, I thought her that if no one takes care of her, I will.

I think the feeling I felt for her has beyond the feeling of “like”, I’m not sure how it felt like of “love”, but I’m just very happy talking to her. I don’t deny that until now, I still had to feeling, I can’t help but to think that she’s the only girl for me. This thing had been going on for 3 years and reaching 4 years soon. Last month, I went to a fortune teller with kelvin and terry, the master said that the girl for my life already appeared, but the timing is not ripe yet. This was the same thing being told to me when I go to goddess of mercy temple before I enlist to 求簽, the girl is already here, but not the right time yet.

What I don’t know is what should I do to this relationship? I can’t bring myself to like other girl because I know I will regret. But my friends told me if I do so, I will be wasting my time and youth. What should I do? Thanks for listening to me and this wall of text, hope to hear from you guys.


How glamorous it is to romanticize your affection - each time with greater intensity and stake. Beneath that miasma of words that drowns you so deep in your seeming unattainable love is a terribly self indulging fantasy, lyrically synonymous to several of Jay Chou-like songs.

You are not stuck a in limbo of love - rather, it is this narcissistic addiction to these meaningless promises that keep you going. You are symbolically in love with these attachments - you add with a dosage of mystical element like 'the girl is here but not the right time', it simply perpetuate your bondage to this karmic relationship.

The truth is that you don't have a position of a boyfriend. Nevermind. So you create new positions: (1) Three years promise friend, (2) never leave you promise friend, (3) I will take care of you promise friend (almost like SM, MM and ESM).

The real question is that does she really need your promises to carry on life well? Or do you subconsciously instill such promises, so as to carry on this mindless affection because deep inside, you don't want to give up this fantasy?

It is likely to be the latter.

P.S: Unless one can peer through the cloud of delusion, this obsession will likely to entrench you in this karmic whirlpool. There is nothing to solve; there are only perspectives to understand.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 120511

Originally posted by MilkyZ

Hi Guys.. I Need Help Here.. My Girlfriend And I Broke Up.. She Wants to broke up with me.. saying she wanted to be single, she said she dont have much feelings for me.. we been tgt for 1 yr 3 months, broke up on the day after her birthday.. i was so sad and depressed.. cause during those days, she known a guy for 4 days, and she is interested in that guy. broke up with me after knowing that guy for about a week.. after we break up for 8 days. she is tgt with that guy.. until its been 1 month since we broke up. i read all post and i inititated no contact till now. hoping she will miss me and contact me.. but she didnt contact or txt me at all.. like she nv even miss me ?? i still got check her fb sometimes.. i can't help it.. the feelings still there.. is not easy to get over with.. both of them , their facebook profile keep having those loving messages and stuffs.. and now she put into a relationship with that guy.. she said she wanted TO B E SINGLE !? is she lying to me ?! That time we talk which is our last talk where the break up comes.. she said if i love her i should let her go ! cause she wanted to be single so i let her go cause i still love her.. but now i still think of her and want her back.. she is my 1st love and i still have feelings for her.. guys . what should i do to make her miss me and regret it ??And i just saw her facebook uploaded the both of them, their pictures.. the kissing and hugging parts.. fucking fucked up.. the guy is even worse looking than me.. i really had nothing to say..

Hmm Guys.. I nv treated Her Badly.. ?? I Know myself I treated her damn good.. i also did go for work.. i even bought her a lot of things.. and especially her birthday.. even i left $300 i spend almost $200 +..

Even her friends are all touched by me when i give her the final blow which is an SK jewellry necklace.. ALL her friends said that i am very good to her.. Best to her.. And They All Helped Me Saying my Ex.. I Just Dun Know What Is So Attractive About That Guy.. An ITE With a Gpa of 3.0 .. Face Like Gay.. Pie Kia.. Long Hair.. Zz..

Just That He started Learning Martial Arts ?? And During inside that 1 week .. my ex chiong cab down to clarke just to meet that guy for half an hour.. And I Confirmed That she know that guy 1 week only during that time cause she work at CANON for 4 days nia.. That's How She Knew Him.. Guys I seriously Dun Understand Why She Changed So Fast ?? I Am Also Her 1st love.. how can she so easily moved on ?? This Feeling Really Fucked Up Siazz.. Is Not I wanna Be EMO or sad.. i just keep thinking and missing her when i don't want to !!

any guys can advices or help out ??


Sometimes, I wondered if the reasons given are important to process the break up or the break up itself is a reason suffices to decide that probably this person is not really the one to begin with. You have two prominent issues; (1) you are grieving over the lost of your 1 year odd relationship, (2) you are angry over the fact that she ended up with someone else almost instantly after breaking up with you.

To grief over a lost relationship is natural; the epiphany is almost as if a part of you died along with your divine soul and it can be witnessed in your daily functioning activities (e.g. mourning for the lost, no one to meet up over the weekends, nobody to hold hands, etc). Most people detest major changes because relationship often seek to maintain its homeostasis - simply refers to its 'natural balance' where status quo prevail over possible new changes, in which some level of uncomfortable adjustment has to be made and be accommodated.

Your anger seemed justified; with facebook pictures depicting her new relationship in intimate poses; certainly it can be hard for anyone to accept it in a point-blank fashion. The additional frustration also adds weight as you relate how nicely you treated her, despite making personal sacrifices. The attempt was futile in saving the relationship though, but honestly, a part of me wonders how much of the relationship is actually salvageable in the first place.

When someone is diagnosed with final stage pancreatic cancer (most fatal type of cancer); chances are, death is inevitable. The knowledge of being diagnosed as pancreatic cancer (category type) in its final stage (time frame) makes load of difference as compared to another who is only told that he is clinically suffering from cancer. If you know that you have no chance of being cured, you will probably try to improve the quality of your life because that is probably the only way you could end on a higher note given the same outcome.

What I am trying to say is that for your case: ‘death’ has already occurred. Understandably, the reason of death means little to our emotional mind because it is as painful as it could get for anyone to lose someone they love. It is indeed a struggle to move along. However the question remains for you: what level of note would you want to end for yourself?

If you know that the breakup is due to the absence of love; is this something that you perceive you could do ‘something’ about it to get it back?

Could you force love out of someone who doesn’t have it anymore?

Even if you could – will it turn out to be the same?

Cheers