Aunt Agony 310810

Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:

I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.

I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.

I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.

After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).

I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).

But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.

I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.

I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?

he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.

is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?




A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't.

Pretty much a fantasy constructed entirely from your mind; as you have mentioned, most of your communication with him is within this virtual space, hence it's easy to say that this man could have been part of your marriage plan if 'he' were to do something in the past. I am not concerned about who makes a better fit (between your husband or the other guy), but rather, to use ideas of what you think the relationship would be like from a hypothetical point of view can be very different from the reality of being together with him.

Honestly, there is serious dissatisfaction in your marriage and this is something that is creating powerful push factor/s to rethink into your marriage. This man conveniently served as a tool of escapism, where the line between what's real and unreal becomes blur. Surely circumstances would have led you to where you are now and there are higher reasons why circumstances are manipulated into what they are and these are not easily comprehended by our finite mind.

Loneliness is common manifestation of a dissatisfied relationship and if you find yourself having to retrace your decision (although not entirely acting on it just yet), it probably suggest the perilous state of health your relationship is at. If you perceived that this 'other man' requires a greater status other than just being a man 'you could have, but didn't', this is probably where your complication really begins.

Seemed like the previous attempts of mending the relationship wasn't exactly fruitful. There is still much underlying current of intensive emotions hidden at the back of your subconscious. It would truly be fallacious if people believe that marriage will dissolve all existing problem in their BGR relationship - e.g, your illicit relationship with the other man. The truth is that it merely burrows itself into our subconscious, waiting for opportunity to screw our mind and heart once again because we fail to recognise the crux of issue.

It is a common phenomenon for people who are unavailable/unable to commit to find someone likewise because there appear to be 'safety' in 'playing around' with people who are unavailable as it socially 'restrain' us from transgressing. But the problem is that if we don't recognise them as part of our mechanism to prevent ourselves from falling deeper, but instead, push the boundary beyond what it should have been, then it is possible to burn down the relationship.

Although you might have cemented the relationship before marriage, cracks are surfacing. From a longer term perspective, I think it might be helpful for you not to look externally for answers (e.g the other man), but instead, introspect inwardly to see if this marriage and love with your husband is something that you genuinely want. Only then, would you be able to build your decision from that point onwards and see how you could safeguard this marriage from the role of a wife.

P.S: Elbows are close to our heart, but most of us are not physically able to kiss our elbows. Sometimes in love, some people are just not meant to be - we will probably break a bone or two if we force it through.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 240810

Originally posted by pokka77:

i am puzzle and vex for i am not sure if i should confess my past relationship to my boyfriend-to-be. (Meaning we could be together anytime

i am worry sick of disclosing my past relationship to him as i am worry he might think otherwise.

I am involve with a married man years ago (got into this shit cause i was pretty young then and didn't know he was married after knowing and talk things out as he wasn't able to get a divorce so we actually broke off but keeping each other as companion all these years (6yrs).

I am not sure if i should tell him. He has been telling me not all man can take the truth but he would prefer his gf to tell him rather then him find out bits by bits.

For me i am pressured, coz in my previous relationship i met with the same issue. and confession till us to quarrel, jealousy and broke off. My Ex BF could handle the stress of my past.

What should i do ? Humhh



The processing of your guilt does not diminish even with the act of confessing to your current beau about your past. The act of forgiveness and embracement of your past starts with yourself and it is not something that somebody can give to you.

What I am hearing is that your decision of keeping each other as a companion is probably akin to lead a non-committed relationship for six years. This unwise decision, although you have probably rationalized that you are free to date whoever you want, in reality, has actually shackle you in some sense. It is indeed a paradox when it appears that you seem to have freedom, but subconsciously, you are still somewhat tied on a deeper spiritual sense (likely a Saturn-influence relationship fueling a karmic relationship), therefore, how you brand this relationship is not exactly important (companion, best friend, FB, etc).

Perhaps you are tired in your arrangement with this married man - merely drifting, with no exact destination to land. Your experience has taught you that revealing your past will likely to bring about adverse consequence to your current relationship with minimal benefits. Hence, I do not see a point for you to go about relating what has happened in the past when you ought to be focusing on building a new future with your new beau.

The reason why you failed in your previous relationship is not so much about you having to share your past with your ex-bf; but rather, it's about your unnecessary inclusion of him into the picture of your not-so-glorious past, where there is nothing you or he could do to alter them. Failing to invest in the present and look forward will inevitably force you to turn your shoulder over and quarrel about an illusionary past that produce illusionary premises for quarrels. And when the false premises are regarded as real, the death of the relationship will also real - even if it could be the most promising relationship ever.

You can't have the best of both worlds. If you want to walk about from your past, you have to sever bonds with that married man (something which you ought to have done six years ago). If you feel that you need a companionship to serve as a backup, then you will always run into the problem of being haunted by issues of the past.

Start afresh comes with determination and wisdom to steer in the right direction. To drive faster in the wrong direction will only make you crash faster... in more fatal manner.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 140816

Originally posted by: gigabyte14

guys, i made a terrible mistake...

its like i made a girl really sad, and cried too

its like im afraid of commitments, like i will automatically think far, and its like emotions will get the better of me in future... imagine, imagine i wanna go overseas study, or work, and in the end because of emotional ties i will be like choose everything other than my happiness

summore recently the ppl ard me are like divorce and breakup, it makes me think that everything can be so unpredictable, it freaks me out

religion clashes too, i know it wont affect me now, but in the future it'll definitely affect

shes happy, but im not, im just not the kind of commitment kinda person, and i just... made her cry

its like better to end the smaller picture in order to make the bigger picture work

am i doing the right thing?



Honestly, if you would to relook at what you have typed, your fear of commitment has pervades every single mote of your thoughts and rationalized them into some 'linear causal fashion' as if life indeed runs in some orderly manner. Added with tint of non-related deduction like social observation from people's failing relationship is kinda bull as well.

I find it absurd whenever people say things like 'everyone's relationship around me is failing' and they use it as a factor (no matter how minute) to deter them from engaging in possible meaningful relationship. It's almost like a gambler's fallacy, when you made use of factors that makes no sense to unique situations because every set of game is different - just like every possible combination of relationship in any given time is vastly different.

In US alone, one car-accident-related death is accounted for every passing 13 minutes. If we use the world statistic, it would probably be insane. So does that means that we don't walk the street or drive any cars because a number of people around us are dead because of car accident?

It doesn't matter what decision you make because the point of my post does not address the morality of your decision, which it is absolutely insubstantial to me. What is of a concern is how your conceptualize your reasoning which give rise to your final decision.

From what I am seeing, religious conflict is the only real issue. Well, perhaps you might want to be brutally honest with yourself on what's the real shit that isn't really workable here and avoid dumping unnecessary components in your reasoning to 'beef up' your justification - more quantity does not mean more reasonable.

Are you willing to compromise in the framework of a relationship or you prefer to pursue your individualistic goals? It does not necessarily be an either or, but in your own private scaling, how much are you willing to relent towards the other side of the scale that isn't part of your grand plan? Many times, there are middle grounds that we could tread, not just caught between a rock and a hard place.

Learn to remove 'rightness' and 'wrongness' in any decision. Decisions are neutral. There are only wise and unwise choices. Willing or unwilling choices. If you cannot determine what is wise and unwise, then you decide what you are willing or unwilling to undertake.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 070810

Originally posted by ulquiorra87

I'm facing a dilemma, I'm Travelling ALOT right now, and while all that travelling gives me valueable insight and learning experience, it is also my bane, i am at 23 and i don't have a steady girlfriend cause of this. While i sometimes enjoy the different stuffs i do, i sometimes feel sooo soo lonely on the inside, and i know i cant find a girlfriend yet because i know i will move again and the relationship will surely end. SOmetimes i feel so happy but i have no one i can truly share it with, sometimes i feel demoralized but there is no one i can confide in. I dont like this feeling.. And i'd like to find a singaporean girlfriend but i wont be back in SG for the next many years.. Unless i stop my overseas job after i graduate and slack off in SG to find my soulmate..

So this is a choice between finding my soulmate or advancing in my career quickly.. And frankly i am 50/50 on this. What do you guys think?



It's quite difficult to have your cake and eat it. In reality, relationship do creates certain structures; despite how individualistic we are with regards to our life and perspective, it do somewhat condition us to try 'fit' into this structure. The more individualistically adamant your ideals are, the more challenges it is to squeeze them into the framework of a relationship.

It is not that a relationship is detrimental to our individual ideals, but rather, it is part of a greater understanding to promote the beauty of understanding, compromising and acceptance. Surely, if the structure of the relationship constricts certain things in life, something has to sacrifice a little. Sometimes in life, it's difficult to have the best of both worlds.

Also, soul mate doesn't just appear just because you decide to stay in sg and 'slack'.

You can only decide what is important to you right now at this stage to make reasonably calculated choice/s for yourself - look at the opportunities you own now and decide what you want to do with them. And not plan with things that has not manifest itself just yet.

Then your thoughts should be clearer.

Cheers

Job Satisfaction

Today, I truly experienced what it is like to have job satisfaction.

It is nothing like I had experienced before.

The strong sense of purpose and knowing what you are doing and where does it leads to is insanely important.

Without those components, we are just mondays-dreader waiting for friday-after-6pm.

Final Post

This would be my final post on my relationship with her.

I think life is mystically interesting - going by Carl Jung concept of Synchronicity, I can see that happening in my reality: the little subtle 'support' bar for me to pick myself up always materialize mystically every time when I needed that little push for me to bounce back - each time higher than the previous.

I think because life has detected several pieces of broken glasses in me and easily trampled by the overwhelming meaningless thoughts of my adamant intensive mind that seeks to depress the state of my life condition. I was assisted whenever I truly needed the assistance, in the most unfathomable ways.

I had a dream yesterday and in my dream, I was walking across several places, feeling extremely tired from the ordeal. But eventually, I seemed to reach a place and the surreal imagery ends there. There was no recollection of the ending, just blackness.

You see life is full of surreal imagery, as if nothing is indeed permanent in this world. I instantly understood my dream - as if my subconscious is telling my conscious mind something.

I used to think that I lost something very important - which constitute a very significant part of my life that label almost 'everything'. Then in retrospect, I cannot lose something which I don't own in the first place because Love is not a possession acquired like how we purchase goods. You have the freedom to decide what you want in life and love, just perhaps that through this freewill, unfortunately, you seek for something else in which this relationship cannot sate and accommodate your change of needs.

I realized that I don't hate you for your deeds - I only hated you for your silence and all that acting. At the end of the day, everything just falls apart with time because you cannot sustain this screen forever. What hurts is that I am given with facade information to manage my recovery, other than the real truth told in my face, in which the latter was revealed gradually as time passed along. That way helped you to manage your guilt of cheating me, but not as mature adults on amicable split.

You are still a little girl after all these years, but what I really need is a woman.

I hope he treats you well.

Younger men seeking foreign bride

I always find it uncomfortable whenever I view reports of man purchasing brides from countries like Vietnam and how they think it's absolutely a great idea to resolve their lack of marital prospect, in reference to their failed dating experience leading to limbo with local woman.

I recalled the time when my sociology lecturer shared with us about a story of his colleague who has 'purchased' a Vietnam bride. In addition, he was gleaming when this colleague of his added the fact that he has actually gotten a discount when he has 'purchased' his wife-to-be; it works somewhat like how I would imagine myself buying Sushi at Cold Storage after certain timing at night - everything is slapped with a 50% off label.

On top of that, he disallowed her to go out because he deemed that she might learn 'bad influence' and later run away (with another man).

Personally I find it hard to stomach the thought of even having to relate the thought of 'purchasing' foreign bride. Although the case above might be extreme, but I don't think it's uncommon - all sociologically trained student would instantly sees that as a form of exploitation. From an economic perspective, surely this is acceptable because the market is determined by supply and demand. But it would be too derogatory to even use this perspective because woman would naturally be reduced to that of a good and it is not something that one would like to see their wife-to-be as.

What I find it amusing is the reasoning this man has employed which give rise to his decision and I quote:

'He did it because his plan was to settle down and have a family by the age of 30. He was planning way ahead: he wanted children who could support him in his later years'

Another incredibly amusing thought:

'Mr Low, who had girlfriends before, said he wanted a relationship which was 'guaranteed' to end in marriage.'

'Marrying a local or marrying a foreign bride is the same, both might end in divorce... but so far, it's okay, I already have a one-year old daughter,' the 30-year old said matter-of-factly.

His concerned is not about his wife; only about the child he wanted to support him in his later years - there is a contradiction when he claims that he wanted a guaranteed marriage, yet end up having to admit that it's not guarantee somewhat too. Such narcissism in love, is often shielded under the category of brandishing traditional mindset, is way... way too obsolete to project this as an idea in our modern society. Of course our government would be more than happy to support, getting more Singaporean to marry and give birth - having more cash cows to milk from and to address our plunging birth rate.

And here comes the dual king of all statements in the article:

'A successful match can set a man back by $8,000 or $10,000. Mr Tan, who had some financial help from his mother, paid the agent $8,800 for his bride. It was a price he felt was worth forking out.'

'Mr A H, 35, a teacher, is one example of someone who was too busy with work to spend time dating. He has had relationships before and joined the Social Development Unit... but he said he was "too lazy" to participate in the activities. "Sometimes you're too mentally and physically tired due to work. It's much easier to get a wife this way, but to get a good person may depend on luck." '

I think pragmatism/consumerism in our society has reached to a point of utter disgust, in which I am beginning to abhor at how fucking lame thoughts are becoming. Firstly, how the hell do you come to a conclusion that $8,800 is a worthy price? Alright, I put on my pragmatic/consumer mindset and I derive this equation:

A)
Cost of Maid:
Levy: $265
Salary: $350
Total: $615

$8,800/$615 = 14.3 months

I would have broke even by the 14th month using $8,800 as a figure (to get a Vietnam bride housewife or a maid to manage the household).

B)
If I include sex in the equation

Cost of Sex:
$50/per session
E.g: 3 times a week (12 times a month) = $600

$8,800/($615+$600) = 7.2 months

So I would have broke even by the 7th month.

Seriously, this is all maximum bullshit. I can't believe when the teacher claim that he was too lazy to date and buying a bride was an easy way out - it's like saying that 'I want the sex part, but I don't want to waste time dating. So skip the dating and let's get married. Opps! Did I mentioned that the household is your arena too?'

Because I tell you, say if his bride refuse sex or cannot conceive - I bet with my balls that most of these man would likely to display the 'oh damn it! I paid for this and now there is no sex? No kids? Agent! I want a change of GOOD!!!!!!!!!'

*Flailing violent arms in the air and stamping feet*

It would be a cause for concern if these woman were abused. Better pray that I don't kanna one caseload like this, if not sure clash with my values.

Rest in Peace - Vernon & Kerin

It's devastating for anyone to experience the death of their love one only within 24 hours of being married.

Emotionally and psychologically wrecked, coupled with the lack of reason to explain the nature of her husband death makes this episode a truly poignant one. It would be suffering for anyone, even with the most positive of mind, to undergo such an experience.

RIP - my prayers will be with you.

http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_550093.html

问世间情是何物，直教生死相许。
天南地北双飞客，老翅几回寒暑。
欢乐趣，离别苦，就中更有痴儿女。
君应有语，渺万里层云,
千山暮雪，只影向谁去

Aunt Agony II 100710

Originally posted by huzane89:

i am in this 'open' relationship with this guy. Our relationship is purely physical. I know I am not ready for commitment at this time. And I have this condition of commitment at the min. age of 25. I am 21 this year.

This guy and I decided to 'commit' physically to each other only, so as to prevent STDs and if something unfortunate such as pregnancy happens, I know who the father is.

The relationship was fine and it went on for 4 months. And yesterday, he suddenly said he has feelings for me and wants a real commitment. I was taken aback as I didnt feel the same was as he did. Now, after his confession, I kind of like him. but I still think I am not ready. So, I ended things with him. Now, I cant stop thinking of him.

What do I do?




Your relationship began from a contract.

The clauses are spelled out clearly, almost like terms and condition to define the boundary of your relationship, so as to safeguard both parties interest should 'dispute' occurs.

Developed feelings seemed natural and after 4 months, it seemed like he wants more out of this contract because he probably discovered that fulfilling physical needs are pretty much short term and ain't satisfactory in a longer timeframe. He wants to null the contract and provide new contract with different terms and conditions.

As you read and decide that what I have said seemed logical, but in fact, all I have said above is a facade employed by both of you to logically structure your 'agreement' in a somewhat acceptable manner, appealing largely only to your rationale sense. Although you mentioned that you will only commit yourself at the age of 25. To me - this is purely a random forecast, almost like rolling dice. I do not know how you arrived at this conclusion, but what I am quite sure is that there seemed to be a rationalized fear about commitment in which both of you subconsciously do not want to directly deal with it.

Now that the choice card of a relationship is dealt; this deal is almost like skipping the entire courting process by substituting this process with intimacy first. In a classic chase, the chase itself develops the feelings; for your case, it is the intimacy that drives the passion.

Hence, it's still possible that a relationship from a FB relationship might happen. The only risk is that because your relationship began from a contract - it remains questionable whether this relationship would be able to weather storms without sinking back to previous contract subconsciously or having to run away when shit hits the roof. It is easily to escape in your previous arrangement, but coupled with fear of commitment and an additional burden on the scope of 'responsibility' - it may not be sustainable when you level a FB relationship up.

P.S: At the end of the day, these are only the presenting issues - the real problem lies deeper, into your unconscious yearning and fear. If you don’t work on it, it will fester and affect your future relationship in a damaging way.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 100710

Originally poseted by kirov4ever:

What to do if the girl is not interested?

Analogy: It is like stage IV cancer. Incurable, inoperable and there is no future with anyone else.

I have more than enough looks, can really make her laugh, so me being not good enough is not a reason or issue. I don't understand how it is possible that she can "final decision" say it is impossible between us. She said "no" although with regret. Why she want to sabo herself like that? No, she's not going to be a nun. There is no reason so don't say "maybe this" "maybe that". No reason to reject yet she said "no", although regretfully.

In short, when faced with a final "no", incurable stage IV cancer, what to do? Only brain-wash will work but say don't use brain-wash? What other satisfactory answers. I would also most appreciate comments from Christians, Buddhists and religious what to do with the curse.



Why even mystify a rejection to that of a curse? And seemed like you made a number of assumptions, which imho may not accurate through the eyes of her perceived reality.

Surely there are reason/s for rejection - just because you don't understand doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Your perception that you are good enough is not as important as whether she feels that you are needed. From a marketing perspective, an excellent product may be a good, but if there is no need, naturally there will be no sale.

Are you a need or are you merely a good product?

Think about it.

Cheers

冤家路窄

冤家路窄

Personally, I hate to see what I detest to see.

I have no thoughts about it - just annoyed like how a buzzing fly would have pissed me.

I was glad that I stood tall with dignity and honour. I renewed my personal promise that I will evolved ten times stronger & better than what I was a year ago.

I will succeed.

Aunt Agony 290610

Originally posted by Prophecy_Master

Hi all.

I am in my mid twenties.

My current girl friend has been with my for 6 years now we plan to get married in time to come, say 5 years later after we complete our studies.

The thing is, once I saw someone who looked like my first love, Melissa. For that moment lots of thoughts and memories just came back regarding her. I was quite shaken, because having been in a long term relationship for so long that I stopped thinking about other girls and I see all the females around me as just plain friends.

But just the thought of my first love, I get all the fuzzy feeling and numbing sensation in my mind. I know I love my current g/f dearly, but I can’t help but think of how is my first love doing? Does she need help?

A part of me still wants to care for her, or at least know how she is doing. I lost contact with her for at least 9 years now, but I just can’t stop feeling that way about her.



There seemed to be some unresolved chapters in your life; it randomly spark this undying passion which nefariously raised itself from the love grave and comes back haunting you. As much as you feel that you are concerned about her well being, but think about this: she has survived nine years of her life without your presence, hence what you are feeling is purely delusional.

Let sleeping dragon lie; there is no damsel in distress to save.

It’s a real irony to see people lament about this particular person they couldn’t have, while having to possess everything they need in love currently. If you plan to execute plans like looking back at your past and taking active steps to revisit old chapters, you are at risk of sacrificing or damaging the state of your relationship.

No bank is too big to fail - no relationship is too strong to crumble.

Basically all it takes one unwise step.

Think about it.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 270610

Originally posted by bambixd:

hi,

Im a chinese guy in my 20s. i have been secretly crossdressing since i was about 14 years old, and have been leading this sort of hidden identity for all this while.

I started getting involved with men sexually about 2 years back, and I wouldd say that I love men more than anything else in my life at this point of time. I simply wake up each day, looking forward to dressing sexy n getting men into my bed.

The thing is, I have been hiding this hiiden life all this while. I feel very tired of pretending to be a str8 guy. Furthermore, Im tired of having to meet guys secretly, such as when no1 is home...blah. In short, I amtired of hiding. I have not many friends, so I am not scared of losing friends. I am only afraid of telling my family.

My partners have been encouraging me to come open, but I m afraid. I know my mum will never be able to accept it if I told her... and I love her, so I dont want to hurt her. But I am so tired of hiding...

What should I do???



You got to consider your overall intention well because once you decide on your course of action, there is no turning back. Knowing your real identity is important, but you must be prepared that once you open that first door, all the other doors will open by itself because words will definitely travel and you cannot control them, even if you told only your mother/parents.

Some people can continue life in this fashion, while others have a need to make it open so as to 'reveal' this real identity of theirs. In reality, there is no easy solution, only decision that you are comfortable to undertake after you put in serious consideration.

Be prepared for backlash should you decide to tell.

The cost of liberty is often much sacrifices.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 030610

Originally posted by JumRam:

what should i do, was in love with her even before she married. But she is not interested in me. Now she is married, i am still in love with her.


She has moved on and you have refused to - despite the passing of time.

Since this isn't a problem for her (other than that being an issue for you), how long would it take for you to perceive that and move along in life?

By retaining yourself, it serves no purpose other than dwelling in a narcissistic form of love.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 010610

Originally posted by Fannao388:

I am married with a teenage daughter. I am not at all with my hubby since years back. He is always giving priority to his frds and family. If his frd or family and I were to make an appt on the same day same time he will tell me he has to go out with his frd or family .. and ask me to wait for the following week. However, due to his shift work, he has only one precious weekend every mth for us, and very often he give priority to his frds and family instead of me and daughter.

4-5 years back I nearly divorce him due to travelling plans. I have been wanting to go to Japan or Vietnam for years, but every year he will tell me next year we will go and every year he agree to wherever his family plan to go. Even the place that i hated most China and Taiwan. He keep asking me to wait for him to save up enough for my place but every time he will spend his saving going to places I dont really want to go. As our money are limited when we go to these other places my Japan and Vietnam got to wait for another year. I was very angry and after this last china trip with his family I said lets divorce I am not willing to wait endlessly for the place i want to go. Since his family do not support going to places that i wanted to go i also have no interest to go back every week too.

With this divorce, he suddenly has available cash to go Japan with us .. just the 3 of us family. and asked me to put off the divorce plan. and since then i havent been going back to his family for all the occasions not even chinese new year. Till now, none of the in law have ever called to asked me why.. they just treat as nothing happn so hubby 2 treat as ntg happen..

recently, a married colleague expressed interest in me // and he really treated me very well .. much better than my husband .. he said he dont want anything bad to happen to me (while my hubby keep saying if he is heaven he would like to let me be CHIAK LUK) i initially tried to pull out of the relationship..but pulling out had been rather difficult cos we get to see each other every day in the office. I am now thinking whether to continue or to pull out .. my brain say stop all these nonsense and my heart said go for it

how?





You are skating on thin ice. Precariously thin ice.

I can sense that you are lost because you are frustrated with your marriage - being unappreciated by your husband whom you thought that he wasn't making effort to work on your marriage - and simultaneously, you are faced with a pull factor of a man who has expressed his interest in you. The only thing that is holding you back is probably your daughter and perhaps the homeostasis of being used to certain form of stability your marriage has provided you - despite being unhappy about it.

Presenting choice might be attractive, but without understanding the dimension of your real issue, it might turn out to be a form of escapism... somewhat a crafty illusion that veil behind a potential karmic relationship, which might lead to a domestic tragedy (Afflicted Neptune/Saturn).

Why is it so?

Your intense frustration generates a powerful push factor for you to accept the bait presented by this man. This deal comes with a condition, in which I termed it as an 'inability to commit'. It is not the problem of a man being married (which is a moral statement), but rather, it is a problem of a person who cannot provide you the commitment you would need in long term to dissolve this discontentment in your love life. For a period, he probably functions as a paracetamol, addressing merely the symptoms but nowhere near the cause.

What really happens from a graph's perspective lies with the path of your deep anguish meeting the path of his need for a company at point X. The common factor is that both of you cannot commit. As such, it seemed a lot easier for cheating to happen because since there are some huge innate dissatisfaction within, both of you would probably unconsciously decide that it might seemed 'easier' to transgress than to work on your respective issue with spouse.

Therefore, your desire to flee may not be 'attraction' or 'love' but an avenue for avoidance behaviour to cope with your dissatisfaction in your marriage.

The shelving of issues in marriage would only seek to build resentment and accumulate intense hatred that would shatter your relationship into millions of fragmented glass pieces. By then, it would be challenging to even want to do anything about it because it would be so broken to try to mend anything.

From what I am seeing, communication lines are so damage that there are actually much emotional underlying current, even if the marriage appears to be 'surviving'. However, before making any decision/s involving this married man, I suggest that you speak to your husband about the reality of your marriage, to such extend that if this fails, you might want to seek a common agreement (and willingness) on finding a marital counsellor if both of you still wish to save/work on this marriage.

P.S: A common real problem is when the wife sees a problem to their marriage, which contradict with their man's thinking (or denying) that there is an existing problem. This is a classic communication breakdown phenomenon.

Cheers

A Nation of Spoilt Princesses?

Interesting on how Sulthan Niaz retorted AWARE's article by stating that women must contribute part of the blame on the low birth rate situation in Singapore.

Are Singaporean woman spoilt? Well, our males also demand for submissive woman too. So gender bashing will never come to an end because it's just matter of perspective.

Seriously anyway, I doubt gender has much to do with the situation here. The key concerns are 'expectations'. Why is our society bashing people for making their personal choices of not 'getting married' or not 'rearing children'?

Societal expectation or individual expectation? Which is prior?

This is a natural phenomenon in any developed country. Other places are facing the same situation too, hence this is nothing uniquely Singapore.

Hey man: you have a choice NOT to date spoilt princesses too. If yours happen to be one, then you got to admit that it's seriously your choice to keep them.

To read the full article, please go to:
http://news.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20100527-218798.html

Changes in relationship

Today’s sharing is about some work reflection:

The only constant thing in life is changes; to harbor an unchanging attitude towards all phenomenon in the world is a sure ticket to suffering. We cannot expect things to always remain the way it is and since everything in life evolves, it is our responsibility to steer the change into constructive transformation and avoid degrading.

I think it’s quite depressing to witness how one’s choices inevitable sink them into whirlpool of immerse suffering and regret, especially if they have a choice in the past NOT to make certain choice/s. Somehow, it’s kinda linked – people make bad choices in life and in return made even worst choices. I began to wonder if it is truly the choices that are bad per se, or does it suggest something deeper and darker?

Closely related to the first law of CloUdiSm: do not ever date someone with the intention of trying to change the person.

You will fail. Fail absolutely. Fail miserably. In the most intense disappointing manner ever.

You will never fully recover from the trauma; because you will die by the very same curse you seek to exorcise.

It is not the choice that is bad, but rather, the perspective that we carry with the choice. People become harden and crystallized into a persona self actualized from their personal development. We are already rooted, hence it is incredibly arduous to unearth those dirt, let alone change them. Surely you can work on perspective, but you will find it extremely difficult to find adoption in a wholesome fashion.

Partially yes. But in a selective mode – usually only those that retain status quo.

Let me explain why failure is almost certain – people ONLY change upon a strong catalysis. Like if I want to turn water into steam, I would have to boil it. Only with heat can water evaporate and transform into vapors. And you being the person who sees problems in things are the only catalysis that would seek to change it. Everything else is just ‘warmness’ – you are the heat. Upon the reaction of change, you will dissolve yourself in order for change to occur. You will inevitably displaced yourself so that change will happen, but you put yourself at great risk of not be able to survive through the change.

However, someone else down the road would. They will gladly thank you for the wonderful dirty job done because you made the personal sacrifice to impart certain important lessons in life. They are happy because someone else has fought tooth and claw to overcome countless of challenges, so as to allow the recipient to mature. Upon realization, these efforts will benefit the next in line, who has done absolutely nothing to enjoy the fruit of your labour.

You are forgotten; other than some fading memory, there is nothing exceptional. With time, you are trashed away, almost like anything else in life.

The world cares nothing about the ideals of the man. It is cruel and emotionless.

We all once live in the shoe of this man. Even if you are taken out of the picture, be proud of what you have done and move along. Even if you must exit, do not turn your shoulders over. People will rejoice at your abject stupidity and blast at how moronic you are.

But still keep faith and walk forth. Someday… someone will return your honor back.

Because at the end of the day, we are judge by our deeds and not what we possess.

Chronicles (24 May 10)

I detest causal memories that quietly reminded me of my mortality. I shed my humanoid skin in return for the gift of undeath - it was an irrevocable metamorphosis.

Awakening from my vampiric stupor was the greatest enlightenment ever, insofar that I feel absolute disgust with the feeble self I vaguely recalled as a chapter of my living years. The burning contempt was overwhelmingly insane, as I lifted my index fingers and claw off crumbling grey-red ashes around a black pit of nothingness, around a place where my beating heart used to lay solemnly within.

And I can see no dreams for the addict sustaining his delusion through tubes of constant false hope. He waits like a shadow thief; awaits for opportunity to plunge the poison dagger eagerly into the back of his adversary. He wants him dead for good, so as to loot, but he has no such chance.

My perching lips grew into a smirk and watched the scene with sadistic pleasure.

He thinks he remained unseen, but the croaching silhouette makes the thought laughable.

I observed with an appraising eye, curious with the depth of stupidity my fabled assasin has grown to live with over the years.

That would suffice a predictive suicide.

He will take what he wants and die by what he takes.

Never Been Kissed

Just read the news; more singletons out there in Singapore. Actually I am not particularly surprised, considering the fact that our society overvalues achievements more than people relationship. Our 'cost-analysis' mindset has renders the value of love to be really an expensive affair.

But seriously, it is that costly?

Survey has found that most people want to get married; the problem is that 14% of these people believe in what we called fate. More than half of the people interviewed would NOT try social networking agency like SDN (in those days, it stands for SDU - the tongue-in-cheek acronym stands for Single Desperate & Ugly). In the article, one reason cited was the aversion to 'social engineering'.

Our country is facing a serious problem in birth rate because people are even having problem dating. And you want to talk about marriage and giving birth? There used to be issues about wanting more graduate mothers give birth to more children in the 80s because our country wants 'smarter brains'. Now our garmen becoming clever: any 'brains' also can - just go forth and multiply. The reason is quite logical: without the physical being, you totally have no 'brains.' So it's better to have some 'brains' than to have 'no brains.'

And this perspective itself is a major flaw - people are not respected based on their choices, but rather a tool for economical purpose. People don't see a reason why they should be subjecting their children to the gruesome pressure of our competitive society, so why the hell should I raise kids?

But what about dating? Surely, raising kids is a private choice... but dating?

I thought it was amusing when the article subtly included the belief in fate as part of the arguments on the horrible dating situation locally. I don't think there's any problem in people believing that the right one will drop by when the time comes, but chances are, these are often the wrong ones that presented themselves are 'right'.

Other significant reasoning includes the priority in career before relationships. I think the article missed out one very important rationale why people does that - it is part of our avoidance schema to replace something with another as we cannot lead life with a blatant form of emptiness within our life because we constantly need to maintain inner homeostasis. To me, people who provided this sort of reasoning is one notch lower than those who believe in fate - it is complete avoidance towards the topic of love. I realized that those who have dated during schools days and had their relationship lasted into their working life NEVER had such reasoning. Such reasoning only appeals to people who are likely to give the same sort of reasoning when they were in school - studies come first. Hence, the same reasoning was reapplied when it comes to career - career comes first - because it is way too convenient.

So what's after career?

Silence.

I am saying this because everyone, regardless of worldview, wants to be attached regardless of aspiration. Upon careful dialogue, even those that held onto the 'career come first' notion ALSO wish that they will someday be attached to someone they could love mutually. This yearning pervades all form of sexual orientation and preference. This yearning is the yearning of being loved and to love - the highest expression of human affection.

You see, the principle is simple: given the choice to pick - nobody wants to be single. It is not the problem of being single - it is the loneliness that derives from singlehood that most people cannot deal with.

In the end, it is back to developmental issues!

The article also cited unrealistic expectation as part of the reason why people are not attached. There was once a woman asked me' so you drive?' I was tempted to reply "so is your cup-size D?"

And strangely, I have people who try to match up to these expectations by jumping through the hoops waved by these women. What? You mean you are interested in such woman?

I think the prospect of monkhood certainly look more promising.

Learning to love is very much about learning to understand and love yourself the way we would like others to love us. Learning to love comes with the awareness that we are imperfect beings and the recognition that love entails the very reality of rejection, separation, disappointment and tears. One cannot expect love without coming in terms with these possible realities, naturally occuring with the introduction of love.

Only once we have self love, could we free ourselves to love another person.

Monkhood

I feel like going to some mountain and meditate.

I realized that a lot of things don't satisfy me anymore... or as much as I would like it to be.

I think my contemplation of being a monk might one day just come true.

Effect of Cosmic Lesson in Love (feat Portia Nelson)

I finally found THE poem that accurately explain the stages of love in such concise and beautiful weave of words that I instantly fell in love with it. The way Portia Nelson tried to portray his meaning of life in this poem (Autobiography in Five Chapters) is just gruesomely apt - just that CloUdiSm explained that under the notion of love.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
Portia Nelson

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

This is exactly the same concept in CloUdiSm when I talk about effect of our cosmic lesson in love. Yunnie divides these effects into five distinctive levels: (1) Ignorance, (2) Denial, (3) Awareness, (4) Recognition & (5) Evolution. However, it does not necessarily follow in this linear order because the multi-dimensional nature of our cosmic lesson is far too complex to neatly put all that stuff into fixed stages. Also, not everyone will experience all these effects in their lifetime; it is likely that they might encounter a mixture of some in various degree.

I always say something of this nature among the rambles I always talk about: you will not understand a shit of what I am saying until you are there yourself. Everything I have said sounded merely 'logical' as in the structure of the thoughts spoken is reasonable and philosophically grounded, which one would naturally concede because there is no compelling reason to believe otherwise.

But still it will not be understood because a person experiencing lower stage (e.g: Ignorance) cannot understand the perspective of those in the higher level (e.g: Recognition). It makes zero emotional sense for one in this world of ignorance to somehow pierce through the formidable illusionary screen of, say, a deceptive relationship because such essential wisdom hasn't been developed in the person yet.

Wisdom are learnt - not given. Hence, it's possible that some will appear to suffer the cosmic effect of ignorance throughout the entire course of their love life, perpetuate their suffering cycle in love. I think working in the social service will inevitably expose yourself to many unfortunate circumstances of relationship - directly or indirectly related to the subject of Love.

These are precious learning; for me to understand humanity and its relationship with love itself.

Nearing the Finishing Line

I am already close to putting a closure on my three years liability; tomorrow is my last lesson for this term.

By the end of this year, I must be working full force on CloUdiSm.

All my plans are bending according to my will.

Original Fake 4th Anniversary

Finally something that caught my eyes for OF.





P.S: I have a perchant for consumer purchases that fall under the category of 'individualistic (weird), small, impractical, cute and expensive.'

Cheers

Terror Kid

I recently encountered a terror kid from hell.

When I saw her, my opinion is that she appeared like this cute little girl who displayed great expressive skills beyond kids of her age. She could accurately describe her feelings and thoughts clearly and I thought it was excellent.

But little cutie was little terror as well. And I literally mean TERROR with caps.

After this episode, my natural deductive mechanism started working its rounds; looks are terribly deceiving. I think we can learn a couple of lessons from 张无忌的妈妈(殷素素). Before she died, she said that "漂亮的女生都会骗人." The gist of her advice to her son was don't fringing trust woman, especially those you think is pretty, cute or both.

In my case, this also applies to a 4-years old.

But you see, looks is a critical factor to a woman's destiny. In a research (Smith, 1985) done on preschoolers, attractive preschooler girls were more often recipents of altruistic behavior and were less often recipents of aggressive behavior than were unattractive girls. I remembered I used this research to augment my sociology paper and got distinction for it. But frankly, this sole deterministic factor towards the looks department is way too reductive.

Now I will attack one point; it says 'altruistic behavior' - which probably suggest that people are 'helpful' towards woman that are attractive. Helpful in this case (although is a fringing general term) also promote the existence of a separate agenda, distinctive from the pure sense of 'being helpful'. I will adopt Thomas Hobbes perspective on this issue; simply phucking self interest. Period.

But here's an irony - although CloUdiSm does not dismissed the importance of physical beauty, it is of no guarantee to a happy and fulfiling love relationship. I will repeat; it is of no guarantee and in fact, woman who are attractive often faced the problem of men failing to know them deeper inside (not as in sex, but you know what I mean).

Some man hate me for thwarting their grand plans, because I always seek to expose some of the biggest shit these men have formulated and crafted so surreptitiously into their strategic plan. I think it helps because I always think like a bastard, although I often fail to act like one.

I am usually right with my gutsy little intuition and overactive analytical mind. I won't share scenario here but the conclusion is that there's no such thing as a good man - going by Smith's research, you are merely a recipent of an altruistic behavior because you are likely to be attractive by his standard.

And woman, before you get flattered by such manoeuvre, there is a clause to this effect: it is relative to all the women he knows in his social network. Once time has drastically reduced your 'physical value' and aggrandized by sheer comparison to the many others he might have acquainted within his social network - don't be surprised if the object of his 'altruistic behavior' is no longer you.

Unless your man loves you for who you REALLY are - which is something more lasting than our exterior self - the above paragraph might be a problem.

Then my attractive woman - how do you know if he loves you for what's inside more than what's outside?

Good question.

What do you think?

Blinded

It's ironic when someone shared with me this surreal wondrous encounter with a man all suave and heavenly, but pointing evidences are directed towards signs of what I have deemed as a player.

It's facile to get yourself suck into a whirlpool of love, deluded that it 'must' be some kind of love, but these are in fact symptoms of confusion and insecurity. The derangement stemmed from temporal shutting down of our prefrontal lobe, which governs our critical thinking (if we even exercise them at all) or simply 'the rational way' of looking at things.

Which is why being in love makes us 'blind' - our executive thinking function is disabled.

Man loses his mind after four drinks; a woman: after four kisses.

What do you think?

Changes

Some things changed and they are never the same again.

We are never the same again because some things changed.

Mobbed

This youth kept pestering me to sign on his foolscap paper. Yes. Sign my big signature on it like some random superstar. Then he kept pestering me for my mobile number.

Seriously, the thought of it damn funny because usually only lesbians are that 'interested' in me. ROFLMAO!

Then later, I kanna mobbed by my group of youths (imps) at the end of the outreach until AL saved me.

I think I might have to moderate my aura of people-being-comfortable-with-me or I will get killed someday.

Can you buy love?

Had a conversation with this youth who is inspired to be a social worker. As usual, I told her about the reality of this industry. And her reply was: I don't think that woman needs to 'earn so much'.

Because she reckoned that her future husband will provide the rest.

A young woman with great ideals in love. Like all explorer with their lofty aspiration to tread on unknown path - probably only to find acrimonious disappointment at the end. Perhaps it may not be as drastic, but surely, reality would eventually moderate such ideal to a more 'manageable' level.

Maybe she is naive.

Or perhaps I have grown to become more cynical.

Ideals are admirable, but time is one bitch factor that makes ideals 'idealistic'. Because all phenomena in the world are impermanent - which unfortunately includes relationship. Hence, people do change for the better... or worst... and the commitment invested in a relationship by an individual might just be a plug pulling decision at later point in time.

Going by this logics: most relationship will not stand against the test of time. Although there are real testimony of people who have preserve their relationship well, Hume's problem of induction will probably make this only probable, confirming only at the point of death. For those who do not understand a shit I am saying, I shall explain a little:

If we are taught that apples are red and in our daily experience all the apples we see are red, our conclusion will be such that all apples are and will be red. However, we cannot make such a conclusion as we have not seen all the apples in this world and one day we might find an apple that isn't red in colour (e.g. a green apple), which will render our induction as erroneous.

Using a case example, examining Jack Neo's situation would have easily revealed that the length of relationship does not improve the quality of his love. Nor does the existence of his children or public impression makes any difference to his relationship. How I derive this is because at the end of the day, the reality of his decision is that a freewill man cheats. Period. He can be loyal throughout his courtship or even the early years of his relationship, but time has shown that the flesh is weak and the integrity of his relationship is compromised.

Kolhberg would probably explain it as 'people who excel in moral reasoning, but epic fails in moral action.' However, I am not overly concerned about the morality of his action because yunhaier place little consideration of morality in my treatise in the nature of love (CloUdiSm). Morality and ethical consideration in love is structurally created by society for society to define the aspects of marriage, but not love. At most, human system can only provide opportunity for 'nurturing' love.

Love is one aspect of human function that cannot be mandated by any artificial systems, like you cannot pass a national policy to 'force someone to love another.' However, you could 'buy a bride' (which constitute under a marriage domain by the state), even there is no love (basically you could even be in a relationship without the love part). Or you could even pay for sex. All these are real options available in our society because these are considered structural system that are tangible.

Can you buy care and concern? (Yup those people are actually called nurses and are only available when you are in the hospital. However, it is still largely limited to physical care. I can be a nurse that cleans your bowel, but emotionally I can still be fucked up to you)

Can you buy loyalty? (alternatively, these can be called promotions. Basically in marketing, you need to entice your customer to buy your brand over and over again. So a good reason why they should be loyal is because they see value in the things they buy from you at a cheaper, better, faster & stronger rate. The minute someone else is selling something cheaper, better, faster & stronger, why the fuck do I need you?)

Can you buy love? (the closest thing to this is to rear a pet)

I will now explain why morality plays little role in love: when someone cheats in a relationship, fundamentally speaking, the relationship is likely to be in some bad shape for an external invasion to score a critical hit. This bad shape does not necessarily means consciousness as it often manifest itself as internal dissatisfaction. And to add: internal dissatisfaction does not always mean the presence of an external force.

And when a person cheats on his/her relationship - he/she is making a choice to seek for something that provides a form of novel happiness. Such momentarily happiness are fleeting. Vanished as hastily as the subsided wind calm itself after a squall, eventually one might realized that these are illusions given by our cosmic lesson in love to test the foundation of the relationship. If it rocks the boat and sink it, then perhaps the boat wasn't build to last in the first place.

And when the boat sinks, we will instantly regard it as a bad omen and 'moral reasoning' starts.

But I am perplexed because I seriously don't understand why is it bad. You see, if the boat wasn't build and meant to last a lifetime, having it wreck by the storm merely revealed how incapable it is to weather any greater adversity in love. A relationship is feeble not just by foundation, but also by development and individual personality.

So why is it bad to lose a love that wasn't meant to be?

Why does people choose to possess something that only appears to be theirs in title but not in essence?

The minute you retain love for anything other reasons other than love per se, you know deep inside that it is the day you have lost it.

Learn only to accept what is real. All the pretty floral decoration of deception and lies are only artificially boosting the 'value' of your relationship. Once removed - it's worthless.

I would rather have an original Giordano than a fake GUCCI.

At least the former is real.

Aunt Agony 280310

Originally posted by jerjoe:

Hi, my first post rant...

I want to start by introducing myself. If you think I'm boasting, you're entitled to since it may come across that way. I'm just so frustrated that I don't know what to think or do anymore.

I come from a pretty well to do family. From young, I've worked very hard, so my parents wanted to send me overseas for university. I was reluctant to be honest but went with it as they insisted. In the middle of ns, I applied and got into one of the best US university for the engineering field I was interested in. Over my 3 years in college, I tried my utmost to find a job there but it was just a complete failure. Ironically, I was at my best in my undergraduate years. I was doing incredibly well academically - With a stunning gpa, I was performing better than all the other Sg scholars. I was also the president/captain of one of the varsity sports clubs and was really fit. I went to church every Sunday and had many friends. Heck, I even had time to go out clubbing and for some reason some guys worshipped how I carried myself around girls (with confidence on hindsight).

Every year I practically threw myself at any US employer but no one bit. One could blame the recession perhaps. I was forced to compromise, interning in Shanghai one year, working for my university professor the next and in Singapore in the last year. The day I graduated was probably the most disappointing day in my life. I found it very shameful to tell others that, unlike all my peers, I was out of college without a plan, without a dream. All that motivational talk and speeches given out on that day could not console what I was really feeling. Lets face it, we graduated at the shittest time in the last 5 decades. People complain about not finding a job for 6 months. I hadn't found one in 4 years.

I decided not to take it personally. I switched majors for my masters, hopefully to broaden my scope. As expected, my grades took a dip and became quite average (I'm only human. Trying to compete with a classroom full of phd candidates with almost zero basic knowledge is like jumping out of a plane with an umbrella). I lost quite a bit of fitness as I sunk a little into depression even though I'm still managing the club. I think I'm losing my mind as well (as in becoming more stupid or mentally insane I don't know). Overall, I lost pretty much every bit of confidence I had in myself. Before I at least had academics to fall back on. Now, I have almost nothing academically, financially, socially, intelluctually. That's not to say I didn't see it coming. The decline started the few months before I graduated and proceeded to endure almost a year later to now. I don't know how to reverse it.

I'm a quarter million dollars in debt to my parents with no clear path of recourse (ie, no job). The job situation here in the US is bad. In Singapore, it seems I'm not wanted either. Too expensive compared to "FT"s. Furthermore, we all know the job "prospects" of being an engineer. On the contrary, the banks who are culprits for this crisis are still offering business grads ridculous starting salarys (a topic for another time).

I've given up also on having any kind of relationships. I thought that it was because I couldn't spare the time but now I know that was just an excuse. I just simply don't believe relationships work for me anymore (maybe this is a confidence issue I don't know). You may find this ridculous but at 25, I think I'm already too old to develop any meaningful long term relationship. Once a person starts working, status and money distort relationships and for all my faith in humanity, I don't believe girls can see alot beyond that. I've seen too many first hand, off hand examples that my trust has been blown away. Sure, sure my sample size is "relatively" small hahaha but it grows every year.

I no longer find myself having time/energy to spare for friends much less making new ones. Every thing I had going before evaporated. In the past, I would be garang enough to step into awkard situations. Now even sharing eye contact with other people makes me feel weird and insecure. I used to be such an extrovert, now I'm an introvert. In short, I'm the person who from the outside seemed to have every thing but really has nothing.

If someone threatened my life now, I don't think I would care. I think about suicide on a weekly basis, more from a "harakiri" standpoint but then what would my parents do? They are the sole reason why I'm still breathing. They also need to pay housing loans something that would not have been a problem if I had stayed in Singapore. I need to provide an ROI so to speak for all their time and money. But with all the mistakes and failures I have made, I don't know how long more I can go on. Each failure I bring bears a cost to other people. Edison could have had a thousand failures before he succeeded but how many people have that luxury?

I'm tired, frustrated and lost. Did I mention about my health? Nevermind, I too lor sor already.




You are someone I would claim as a 'thinker'; but before you decide that this is a complement, I would tell you that it's more of a comment/observation. I will explain why.

If we have to divide people into two extreme personalities, in this dichotomy of life, it would be 'thinkers' and 'doers'. The former depict people who think (only), but the latter refers to people who do (only). Naturally, most people fall in between. Problems usually arise from those who are nearer to these extreme points.

You are decapitated by your thoughts to such extend that you are basically immobile. Although you might have decent academic background, the crux of your plight lies with your selection process. Although you are right to say that you don't mind working as an intern for as long as it is a prospective company, this is precisely the problem here - many company may not be as 'prospective' as you deemed it would be, which you might probably eliminate. To worsen your deal, you lacked the necessary working experience - so companies are reluctant to hire (even intern), especially since times are difficult.

I will reframe it into something simpler - you want a deal that is good for you in the long term and the path you have 'planned' for yourself is rigidity linear and fixed. Even as a civil servant (in which our garmen would likely to hire you, considering your relatively impressive academic background), you consider it 'bad' in the long run. For someone who has been unemployed for 4 years - frankly, this 'bad' in the long run is still irony a 'good' now.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Your thinking disabled you totally. To make matter even worst, because your family is well-to-do, the incentive to find a job isn't as urgent. Yes, you might talk about ROI, but everything else is still stable, so what's the urgency unless it derives from self?

Learn to ride the donkey while you seek for the horse. You can't always be waiting for the glorious stallion to pass by you before you take a leap. Your attitude towards life synonymously reflects your situation in love - your fear of 'risk/lost' is masked by fortifying yourself in this ivory tower of intellectual retreat, analyzing from an apex, which you feel safe from the noisy rumbles of the world below your view. You comfort yourself with the thinking that you 'have the whole picture' but the truth is that your 'full picture' is the real distortion of the 'real picture'.

For once, learn to do first and think later.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 160310

Originally posted by Alpha Omega:

Currently i am in a very good relationship.

She is caring, understanding, loving, not materialistic, etc.

She also is currently in a good paying job and is earning a lot more than me, probably 1.5 times more.

However, here lies the problem, she comes from a very poor family and i do not.

I do live in an good surburb in the west side of Singapore and my family will soon acquire a condo in a prime area of Singapore.

I always somehow get this feeling that she is with me not because she truely loves me but because getting involved with me will move her up the status ladder in the long run should we get married because of my family background and her family background as well.

She has never openly mentioned something like this, but then again who would?

Are my fears valid or am i too paranoid?

Well she doesn't treat her family well, she used to live in a 3 room HDB flat but has since moved to an aunt's place.

In her family its survival of the fittest because i heard that when she was young her family did not even take care of her, did not give her allowance, and she was made to starve often from Secondary school all the way thru Uni.

Her parents are divorced which contributed to the situation.

The thing is, she has stated many many times if my current place will be where we will live should we get married.

Sure she has more earning power now, but she had a 3 year head start ahead of me in working.

I don't mind her background but i don't want her to have the wrong intentions because many people get discarded by their spouses should they fall upon bad times financially.

Besides i am not even thinking of the house and if we don't get it then we will move out to a HDB, but it seems like that is not the case with her because she gives me the feeling that she doesn't feel otherwise.

and if its not such a big deal then why she kept asking the questions on where we are to live? Is it really that bad to live in a HDB flat? because by her intention in asking persistantly if we are going to live in my current place in, it gives the signal that it is not acceptable to live in a HDB flat because she experienced my current place, even though she has been living in a 3 room HDB all her life.





Does she loves me for who I am or does she actually prefer my money more? This question is almost like asking if a newborn would end up being a criminal or a successful person.

You seriously will never know because it depends on how the relationship is being led, akin to how a child is being taught.

It’s interesting when people decide that they want someone to see them ‘for who they are’ when in reality they might exhibit a persona that depict the ‘self’ in which they actually reject as their ‘real’ self (in western astrology, this is probably attributed by the ascendant). If this is the root of your worries, then it is a problem in self marketing, much more then the personality of the person you have attracted.

Because, in simple, we attract the qualities we exude (CloUdiSm).

But it takes a lot of self awareness or enlightenment from others (due to our unconscious blind spots) to even perceive that phenomenon.

If this wasn’t the case, your issue actually lies with your point of selection. As a general statement: as much as a woman seek comfort in marrying ‘upwards’ and a man seeks pleasure in physical gratification, a relationship is but mutual exchange of needs, cutting across various dimensions. Surely, there must be existence of mutual needs before a relationship would makes any logical sense; there is no such thing as an absolute unconditional love in any love relationship – anyone making such a claim will end up in contradiction. Unconditional love in BGR exists only in relative sense, but never in any absolute manner.

First Law of love (CloUdiSm) states: it is we who choose our partner, not the other way round. Therefore, if this is the woman you have accepted as your significant other, then it will inevitable question your decision at the point of decision – why her then?

You must understand that love produces an interconnected dependency on both parties to function effectively. You have chosen her for your own individual reason – the question on the authenticity of her love based on your scenario may not be accurate. You know, it could also be equally plausible if I were to explain that your woman have deep underlying developmental issues during her early childhood, which caused her insecurity to project her thoughts in a certain manner, instead of a potential gold digger.

Perhaps you would like to understand her first. Fundamentally, if you want your woman to see you as ‘who you are’, then perhaps she might also want you to see her as ‘who she is.’

Cheers

Aunt Agony 150310

Originally posted by frozen-seal-heart:

ever since my heart was frozen... im getting more and more emo... i just someone that can chat with me... chat my heart out... i lost my dear one... i dont look into another BGR at all... for now.. i wish i can stand out from this dark clouds.... anyone?...

i used to live to the fullest... every moment is the best in my life... everything is wonderful... but it just collapse within 1 day... if you were me... can you take it and continue to life like normal?.... i lost everything over that night... my life... my dream... my love... even myself...

over that night... my dearest girlfriend died in hospital due to leukemia... she hide her sickness from me... she afraid i would leave her anytime... like her ex-bfs... she relieve the truth to me.. when she is hospitalize and have not much time left... i dont know the truth till that day... i was blinded for 3 months.... when i reach the hospital... she just say i love you... and she is gone... thats the last moment and words from her.... and i lost everything.... nothing else is left for me on this meaningless world.... what would you do?.. if you were blindfolded and the moment the truth is out... your lost everything... what would you do?

i tried to be successful.. i tried to forget about that incident... i tried to put it down... i tried everything... nothing works... my friends just say im lying... my friends just make use of me to score in their results... other then that they don even look upon me as a friend.... everyone just leave me... everyone hate me... make use of me... how am i going to be successful?... things are more difficult then before... everyone is realistic... too realistic... i thought of death... i even tried to sucide... but i have no courage... i dont know why... people like me... worthless... meaningless.. still living in this world... cause harm to everyone around me... everything is just pitch black..... where is the light of hope?... who is reach out his/her hand to me?... i wonder will there anyone willing to do so...

for 3yrs... i lied to myself... i can do better... i would walk out from this... im tired to do so anymore... 3 years... more then a thousand day... everyday wake up from my bed... i lied to myself... today will be a better day... but for now... im tired... im sick of it... i dont think it works anymore... believing in myself... i gave this up





Surely the there is a time and place for all things. Nobody is coercing you to accept the deal that life has thrown at you, but without the higher wisdom to accept that certain things in life are uncontrollable, we will always lead a life of misery because we will constantly be assailed with such phenomenon in life.

One can be emo, but one cannot indulge in self pity. The latter only seek to degenerate your mind and spirit, which you will find it ridiculously arduous to piece them together once such insidious value has sunk deep roots.

Firstly, you don’t aim for success without having to accept your circumstances from within because success often slipped from a man who can’t grasp properly. Paradoxically speaking, it is like telling a man to run when he doesn’t know how to use his legs. If you are unable to manage yourself internally, forget about the success you speak of. Success goes to the man who gains self mastery and self mastery first begins from self acceptance.

Surely, nobody said it is easy to move on, especially since your situation involved an involuntary separation of death. But in essence, it is the same as those who have divorced or have broken up inevitably because similar depression derived from the inability to continue the mutual relationship in a meaningful fashion.

The essence of such phenomenon denotes the impermanence of love, in which once the cosmic lesson is taught, the existence of the person will naturally disappear. The nature of such a relationship is often karmic (likely to be Saturn-influenced) and until we gain the necessary wisdom to pierce through this illusion that masked itself as ‘true love’ in our context, we will never be able to release ourselves from this emotional bondage.

Our learning in love is a series of stages; each relationship does not exist individually as finality to the whole, much more than a mere part within the intricate system. You don’t exactly possess love in a way you do for physical objects; it only seeks to teach, while you humbly learn or reject what it has to offer. By rejecting or denying your circumstance, it only creates a position where you would face emotional torment from the futile resistance, bleeding in greater amount until clarity appears.

Cheers

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Ontological View of Love

Upon careful examination, the ontological view of love will inevitably implore us to concede to the principle of non-duality in love. It's truly a deception to assign dualistic concept of love as an axioms, which will lead us to great confusion and distortion, resulting in the triggering of cosmic lesson to reiterate this non-dualistic understanding of love.

From separation into genders constructed through birthright, the concept of dualism will naturally arise; segmenting female (femininity) and males (masculinity). If love acts as the catalysis to congregate both feminine and masculine quality from an idealistic state of form into a matter, the existence of love thus served the teleological purpose of reverting this very nature of love back into a non-dualistic state.

Love is therefore two (in phenomena) but not two (in essence) - the principle of esho-funi.

I can't believe that simple understanding solved my fucking thought revolving the ontology of love, which troubled me for quite a while.

After graduation, I am so going back to project CloUdiSm and work on it.

Aunt Agony 210210

Originally posted by boi_cant tahan:

I had a close friend, two of them and one of them is a girl. Ok its like this, we treated ourselves like siblings. The moment we argue we apologize soon after or IF there's any argument, its will be a friendly type. This is how close we are.

As years goes by, i going to NS soon and she is going to study at NAFA. It hurts rather sad when we apart because we spent so much time together. Best friends forever curse. Me her and together with all our friends were like one patch. She and my other close friend are the only ones that really help me thru the trouble of relastionship of what i posted in the forum quite a few times long ago. Now i finally got a gf, thanks to my friends. And soon after, my close friends also had a steady. Ok now this is where my pain starts.

Dont know why but i recently get this sigh of emo feeling whenever i saw her and her bf together. Its like i'm thinking i should be that guy. I seriously dont get it, i got a gf but i dont feel right. My happiness feeling down whenever i saw her and her bf together. But when we talk, its like the best moment. Then when i saw her bf feed her with fries, i felt sad. dont know why. And i did the same to my gf but it seems normal. Just out my laugh and smile but deep down i felt nothing when i do that to my gf.

Is it me, did i miss the moment with my close friends? I mean we are 19 years old now. We can't possibly be BEST friends forever but i dont want that to happen but as if i had a choice. We been friends for more than 5 years how can i got this stupid feeling about her? pls help. Anyone of you got this type of situation before? and what the hell is this feeling?




Grass is always greener on the other side.

Sometimes it does happen; especially when we assumed that life will remain status quo forever and we adopt an inactive approach towards the flow of life. Best friends may one day become causal friends and causal friends might one day developed into best friends; such impermanence nature of relationship is largely decided by the nurturing of the friendship towards the direction both seek to work towards.

You probably had a thing for her, just that passiveness took away point of action. Perhaps in the past, the feelings manifested itself as 'best friends' - but your conscious mind choose to stop right there without risking to probe further than just the choice of maintaining a great friendship.

It was a choice made. But it did not lapse into an issue because your circumstances were different - she was single and you could still enjoy a sizable amount of attention and concerns from her.

But now the situation kinda evolved. Surely, both of you are still good friends, but your position as a best friend is divided. Perhaps it's a hierarchy lower. But even so, in a social context, it is only natural and pretty much 'justified'. Your frustration stemmed from the fact that you are unable to resolve this internalization in view of such 'naturally justified social position' and your emotions just react helplessly.

You were undergoing some relationship problems before you found your current gf. And now that you had her, your subtle dissatisfaction and normalization of feelings towards your woman could signify that your love may be dubious. I am not questioning the love that you share with her, rather, I am concerned with regards to the circumstances that lead the formation of this relationship.

There is always a danger in loving someone and not realizing if there was the love you thought it was when you first acquired it.

Like what Genie has mentioned, learn to lead a relationship and not stick your head out and observe somebody else's. Such an attempt only seek to reveal the nature of your love towards your partner and upon correction, you might face an inevitable situation of losing them because you don't see a need to develop it.

Cheers

一颗开花的树

如何让你遇见我
在我最美丽的时刻
为这
我已在佛前求了五百年
求他让我们结一段尘缘
佛于是把我化作一棵树
长在你必经的路旁
阳光下慎重地开满了花
朵朵都是我前世的盼望

当你走近
请你细听
那颤抖的叶是我等待的热情
而当你终于无视地走过
在你身后落了一地的
朋友啊
那不是花瓣
是我凋零的心

Aunt Agony 010210

Originally posted by Jellyjellybean:

I've been with my bf for 4 months only and I think that I'm quite dependent on him, and I don't like that feeling.

On our 2nd month, my bf suggested a breakup because he wasn't used to being in a relationship and had commitment fears (because I'm his first gf). But after an hour of serious talk, we stayed together and for the past 8 weeks, we are a very happy & contented couple.

But recently, it's like a merry go round. Whenever I'm with my bf, it's bliss. But whenever he disappeared off the surface of the earth (sleeping, hanging out with friends, concentrating on his projects), I would feel very needy and lonely though I understand his needs to have his own time. Sometimes when he takes hours to reply me or his replies are cold, I would not be able to concentrate on my work and would often wonder what did I do wrong. I'm afraid that he would suggest a breakup again or something.

I did mention to him about my insecurities before and he assured that he loves me truly and he treasures our relationship a lot. I believe him but I still can't help feeling dependent.

It has come up to the point of affecting my studies because I can't concentrate on my work. Please help. (And he's entering NS soon, and I'm afraid I would become more cui after that).

How do I reduce my dependency on my boyfriend?



You have already partially uncovered part of the truth - in which you are insecure and hence the dependency.

Some people don't realize that they have a dependency attitude in relationship until they are into one - EVEN if they could seem to be rather independent during their single life. The problem revolves around the need to validate the existence of the relationship and the constant need to ensure that the relationship is not deteriorating because they have 'invested' and a failure in the 'investment' might presents a great repercussion.

To seek for reassurance is common, but if there's no justification to postulate constant reassurance, we might want to examine the condition of our thoughts and emotional state to understand the source of issue. His decision in the attempt to break up in the past would have fuel your insecurity. Although this is normal, but to give up everything and just revolve your life around him will inevitably create a situation where you become more depended on him.

To reduce dependency, you need a life outside that of your relationship. Take note that the real problem in inducing the earlier breakup is not because you had life outside that of your relationship, but because your guy is unable to emotionally manage himself. You can bridge those differences through proper communication and not axe yourself away from the natural things in your life.

Loyalty in relationship is very much an individual thing. For as long as both is committed and contented - the relationship will be there to stay. A completely satisfied woman cannot be seduced. Hence his insecurity is also unfounded.

You can't stop anyone from leaving. So instead of trying to tie it down and get burned by the friction, why not remove the worries and just enjoy the relationship just as it is?

Cheers

SYDC Comic Strip (16 Jan 10)

ROFLMAO!!!!

Aunt Agony 040110

Originally posted by J03r5

hie, my name is jason.

i share a similar story as would many people.

i have 2 best friends who are girls, both of them in the midst of ending their relationships.

but the agony that the breakup process puts them through is just something i cant stand for, yet i can only stand behind them and try to make them feel that there's a better tomorrow. not that it's working very well.

can someone offer me some insight as to how to make them see that there's a bigger picture to their lives or at least make them stand on their feet again?

As for myself, sometimes i come so close to overstepping the boundaries of being a best friend because i care for them so much more than i want to. don't take me wrong, it's not that i want to care less but i'm afraid that things would change if i made a false move.

many times, i've reconsidered my position whether or not my feelings exceed those that a friend should have. here's the thing, girl A is my buddy, in many ways like a brother. girl B is someone who sees me for who i am and takes me for who i am. both of whom i share my interests with.i hate to see change because frankly, i love having them both as my friends.

is what im feeling justifiable?




It's only natural for you to feel for your friends. Possibility of romantic feelings aside - people would naturally desire their good friends to lead fulfilling lives without misery. The Greek calls it Philia - but regardless, I think that is fundamental to any perception of how we define the role of a good friend.

Personal development of romantic feelings is not of a concern here - I am only concern about the pushing of personal agenda, especially with regards to the outcome of a breakup. As much as you think that you want to provide a 'bigger picture' for them to see, insofar to escape this seemingly 'hellhole' - we have to be cautious about what sort of 'bigger picture' we want to portray and if this is an assumption of our own personal 'bigger picture' or does it implied an unconscious hidden agenda?

We must be realistic and be constantly aware of our action because that will determine what sort of direction it will take when we execute them according to our thoughts. You are afraid to cross the boundary - this is the effect of leaving it entirely to our subconscious. Take note that it's nothing wrong to pursue the possibility of a romantic relationship with either one of these ladies, however the anxiety of your problem stemmed from the fact that you are not exactly clear in your agenda and the labeling of your friendship with them, which kinda created an unplanned situation of a 'conflict in double interest'.

In true platonic friendship, this wouldn't even have bothered you. Since it has, you might want to consider my two cents on a deeper level.

Cheers