Aunt Agony 310810

Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:

I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.

I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.

I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.

After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).

I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).

But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.

I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.

I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?

he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.

is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?




A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't.

Pretty much a fantasy constructed entirely from your mind; as you have mentioned, most of your communication with him is within this virtual space, hence it's easy to say that this man could have been part of your marriage plan if 'he' were to do something in the past. I am not concerned about who makes a better fit (between your husband or the other guy), but rather, to use ideas of what you think the relationship would be like from a hypothetical point of view can be very different from the reality of being together with him.

Honestly, there is serious dissatisfaction in your marriage and this is something that is creating powerful push factor/s to rethink into your marriage. This man conveniently served as a tool of escapism, where the line between what's real and unreal becomes blur. Surely circumstances would have led you to where you are now and there are higher reasons why circumstances are manipulated into what they are and these are not easily comprehended by our finite mind.

Loneliness is common manifestation of a dissatisfied relationship and if you find yourself having to retrace your decision (although not entirely acting on it just yet), it probably suggest the perilous state of health your relationship is at. If you perceived that this 'other man' requires a greater status other than just being a man 'you could have, but didn't', this is probably where your complication really begins.

Seemed like the previous attempts of mending the relationship wasn't exactly fruitful. There is still much underlying current of intensive emotions hidden at the back of your subconscious. It would truly be fallacious if people believe that marriage will dissolve all existing problem in their BGR relationship - e.g, your illicit relationship with the other man. The truth is that it merely burrows itself into our subconscious, waiting for opportunity to screw our mind and heart once again because we fail to recognise the crux of issue.

It is a common phenomenon for people who are unavailable/unable to commit to find someone likewise because there appear to be 'safety' in 'playing around' with people who are unavailable as it socially 'restrain' us from transgressing. But the problem is that if we don't recognise them as part of our mechanism to prevent ourselves from falling deeper, but instead, push the boundary beyond what it should have been, then it is possible to burn down the relationship.

Although you might have cemented the relationship before marriage, cracks are surfacing. From a longer term perspective, I think it might be helpful for you not to look externally for answers (e.g the other man), but instead, introspect inwardly to see if this marriage and love with your husband is something that you genuinely want. Only then, would you be able to build your decision from that point onwards and see how you could safeguard this marriage from the role of a wife.

P.S: Elbows are close to our heart, but most of us are not physically able to kiss our elbows. Sometimes in love, some people are just not meant to be - we will probably break a bone or two if we force it through.

Cheers