Never Been Kissed

Just read the news; more singletons out there in Singapore. Actually I am not particularly surprised, considering the fact that our society overvalues achievements more than people relationship. Our 'cost-analysis' mindset has renders the value of love to be really an expensive affair.

But seriously, it is that costly?

Survey has found that most people want to get married; the problem is that 14% of these people believe in what we called fate. More than half of the people interviewed would NOT try social networking agency like SDN (in those days, it stands for SDU - the tongue-in-cheek acronym stands for Single Desperate & Ugly). In the article, one reason cited was the aversion to 'social engineering'.

Our country is facing a serious problem in birth rate because people are even having problem dating. And you want to talk about marriage and giving birth? There used to be issues about wanting more graduate mothers give birth to more children in the 80s because our country wants 'smarter brains'. Now our garmen becoming clever: any 'brains' also can - just go forth and multiply. The reason is quite logical: without the physical being, you totally have no 'brains.' So it's better to have some 'brains' than to have 'no brains.'

And this perspective itself is a major flaw - people are not respected based on their choices, but rather a tool for economical purpose. People don't see a reason why they should be subjecting their children to the gruesome pressure of our competitive society, so why the hell should I raise kids?

But what about dating? Surely, raising kids is a private choice... but dating?

I thought it was amusing when the article subtly included the belief in fate as part of the arguments on the horrible dating situation locally. I don't think there's any problem in people believing that the right one will drop by when the time comes, but chances are, these are often the wrong ones that presented themselves are 'right'.

Other significant reasoning includes the priority in career before relationships. I think the article missed out one very important rationale why people does that - it is part of our avoidance schema to replace something with another as we cannot lead life with a blatant form of emptiness within our life because we constantly need to maintain inner homeostasis. To me, people who provided this sort of reasoning is one notch lower than those who believe in fate - it is complete avoidance towards the topic of love. I realized that those who have dated during schools days and had their relationship lasted into their working life NEVER had such reasoning. Such reasoning only appeals to people who are likely to give the same sort of reasoning when they were in school - studies come first. Hence, the same reasoning was reapplied when it comes to career - career comes first - because it is way too convenient.

So what's after career?

Silence.

I am saying this because everyone, regardless of worldview, wants to be attached regardless of aspiration. Upon careful dialogue, even those that held onto the 'career come first' notion ALSO wish that they will someday be attached to someone they could love mutually. This yearning pervades all form of sexual orientation and preference. This yearning is the yearning of being loved and to love - the highest expression of human affection.

You see, the principle is simple: given the choice to pick - nobody wants to be single. It is not the problem of being single - it is the loneliness that derives from singlehood that most people cannot deal with.

In the end, it is back to developmental issues!

The article also cited unrealistic expectation as part of the reason why people are not attached. There was once a woman asked me' so you drive?' I was tempted to reply "so is your cup-size D?"

And strangely, I have people who try to match up to these expectations by jumping through the hoops waved by these women. What? You mean you are interested in such woman?

I think the prospect of monkhood certainly look more promising.

Learning to love is very much about learning to understand and love yourself the way we would like others to love us. Learning to love comes with the awareness that we are imperfect beings and the recognition that love entails the very reality of rejection, separation, disappointment and tears. One cannot expect love without coming in terms with these possible realities, naturally occuring with the introduction of love.

Only once we have self love, could we free ourselves to love another person.