Aunt Agony 280310

Originally posted by jerjoe:

Hi, my first post rant...

I want to start by introducing myself. If you think I'm boasting, you're entitled to since it may come across that way. I'm just so frustrated that I don't know what to think or do anymore.

I come from a pretty well to do family. From young, I've worked very hard, so my parents wanted to send me overseas for university. I was reluctant to be honest but went with it as they insisted. In the middle of ns, I applied and got into one of the best US university for the engineering field I was interested in. Over my 3 years in college, I tried my utmost to find a job there but it was just a complete failure. Ironically, I was at my best in my undergraduate years. I was doing incredibly well academically - With a stunning gpa, I was performing better than all the other Sg scholars. I was also the president/captain of one of the varsity sports clubs and was really fit. I went to church every Sunday and had many friends. Heck, I even had time to go out clubbing and for some reason some guys worshipped how I carried myself around girls (with confidence on hindsight).

Every year I practically threw myself at any US employer but no one bit. One could blame the recession perhaps. I was forced to compromise, interning in Shanghai one year, working for my university professor the next and in Singapore in the last year. The day I graduated was probably the most disappointing day in my life. I found it very shameful to tell others that, unlike all my peers, I was out of college without a plan, without a dream. All that motivational talk and speeches given out on that day could not console what I was really feeling. Lets face it, we graduated at the shittest time in the last 5 decades. People complain about not finding a job for 6 months. I hadn't found one in 4 years.

I decided not to take it personally. I switched majors for my masters, hopefully to broaden my scope. As expected, my grades took a dip and became quite average (I'm only human. Trying to compete with a classroom full of phd candidates with almost zero basic knowledge is like jumping out of a plane with an umbrella). I lost quite a bit of fitness as I sunk a little into depression even though I'm still managing the club. I think I'm losing my mind as well (as in becoming more stupid or mentally insane I don't know). Overall, I lost pretty much every bit of confidence I had in myself. Before I at least had academics to fall back on. Now, I have almost nothing academically, financially, socially, intelluctually. That's not to say I didn't see it coming. The decline started the few months before I graduated and proceeded to endure almost a year later to now. I don't know how to reverse it.

I'm a quarter million dollars in debt to my parents with no clear path of recourse (ie, no job). The job situation here in the US is bad. In Singapore, it seems I'm not wanted either. Too expensive compared to "FT"s. Furthermore, we all know the job "prospects" of being an engineer. On the contrary, the banks who are culprits for this crisis are still offering business grads ridculous starting salarys (a topic for another time).

I've given up also on having any kind of relationships. I thought that it was because I couldn't spare the time but now I know that was just an excuse. I just simply don't believe relationships work for me anymore (maybe this is a confidence issue I don't know). You may find this ridculous but at 25, I think I'm already too old to develop any meaningful long term relationship. Once a person starts working, status and money distort relationships and for all my faith in humanity, I don't believe girls can see alot beyond that. I've seen too many first hand, off hand examples that my trust has been blown away. Sure, sure my sample size is "relatively" small hahaha but it grows every year.

I no longer find myself having time/energy to spare for friends much less making new ones. Every thing I had going before evaporated. In the past, I would be garang enough to step into awkard situations. Now even sharing eye contact with other people makes me feel weird and insecure. I used to be such an extrovert, now I'm an introvert. In short, I'm the person who from the outside seemed to have every thing but really has nothing.

If someone threatened my life now, I don't think I would care. I think about suicide on a weekly basis, more from a "harakiri" standpoint but then what would my parents do? They are the sole reason why I'm still breathing. They also need to pay housing loans something that would not have been a problem if I had stayed in Singapore. I need to provide an ROI so to speak for all their time and money. But with all the mistakes and failures I have made, I don't know how long more I can go on. Each failure I bring bears a cost to other people. Edison could have had a thousand failures before he succeeded but how many people have that luxury?

I'm tired, frustrated and lost. Did I mention about my health? Nevermind, I too lor sor already.




You are someone I would claim as a 'thinker'; but before you decide that this is a complement, I would tell you that it's more of a comment/observation. I will explain why.

If we have to divide people into two extreme personalities, in this dichotomy of life, it would be 'thinkers' and 'doers'. The former depict people who think (only), but the latter refers to people who do (only). Naturally, most people fall in between. Problems usually arise from those who are nearer to these extreme points.

You are decapitated by your thoughts to such extend that you are basically immobile. Although you might have decent academic background, the crux of your plight lies with your selection process. Although you are right to say that you don't mind working as an intern for as long as it is a prospective company, this is precisely the problem here - many company may not be as 'prospective' as you deemed it would be, which you might probably eliminate. To worsen your deal, you lacked the necessary working experience - so companies are reluctant to hire (even intern), especially since times are difficult.

I will reframe it into something simpler - you want a deal that is good for you in the long term and the path you have 'planned' for yourself is rigidity linear and fixed. Even as a civil servant (in which our garmen would likely to hire you, considering your relatively impressive academic background), you consider it 'bad' in the long run. For someone who has been unemployed for 4 years - frankly, this 'bad' in the long run is still irony a 'good' now.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Your thinking disabled you totally. To make matter even worst, because your family is well-to-do, the incentive to find a job isn't as urgent. Yes, you might talk about ROI, but everything else is still stable, so what's the urgency unless it derives from self?

Learn to ride the donkey while you seek for the horse. You can't always be waiting for the glorious stallion to pass by you before you take a leap. Your attitude towards life synonymously reflects your situation in love - your fear of 'risk/lost' is masked by fortifying yourself in this ivory tower of intellectual retreat, analyzing from an apex, which you feel safe from the noisy rumbles of the world below your view. You comfort yourself with the thinking that you 'have the whole picture' but the truth is that your 'full picture' is the real distortion of the 'real picture'.

For once, learn to do first and think later.

Cheers