Aunt Agony 010210

Originally posted by Jellyjellybean:

I've been with my bf for 4 months only and I think that I'm quite dependent on him, and I don't like that feeling.

On our 2nd month, my bf suggested a breakup because he wasn't used to being in a relationship and had commitment fears (because I'm his first gf). But after an hour of serious talk, we stayed together and for the past 8 weeks, we are a very happy & contented couple.

But recently, it's like a merry go round. Whenever I'm with my bf, it's bliss. But whenever he disappeared off the surface of the earth (sleeping, hanging out with friends, concentrating on his projects), I would feel very needy and lonely though I understand his needs to have his own time. Sometimes when he takes hours to reply me or his replies are cold, I would not be able to concentrate on my work and would often wonder what did I do wrong. I'm afraid that he would suggest a breakup again or something.

I did mention to him about my insecurities before and he assured that he loves me truly and he treasures our relationship a lot. I believe him but I still can't help feeling dependent.

It has come up to the point of affecting my studies because I can't concentrate on my work. Please help. (And he's entering NS soon, and I'm afraid I would become more cui after that).

How do I reduce my dependency on my boyfriend?



You have already partially uncovered part of the truth - in which you are insecure and hence the dependency.

Some people don't realize that they have a dependency attitude in relationship until they are into one - EVEN if they could seem to be rather independent during their single life. The problem revolves around the need to validate the existence of the relationship and the constant need to ensure that the relationship is not deteriorating because they have 'invested' and a failure in the 'investment' might presents a great repercussion.

To seek for reassurance is common, but if there's no justification to postulate constant reassurance, we might want to examine the condition of our thoughts and emotional state to understand the source of issue. His decision in the attempt to break up in the past would have fuel your insecurity. Although this is normal, but to give up everything and just revolve your life around him will inevitably create a situation where you become more depended on him.

To reduce dependency, you need a life outside that of your relationship. Take note that the real problem in inducing the earlier breakup is not because you had life outside that of your relationship, but because your guy is unable to emotionally manage himself. You can bridge those differences through proper communication and not axe yourself away from the natural things in your life.

Loyalty in relationship is very much an individual thing. For as long as both is committed and contented - the relationship will be there to stay. A completely satisfied woman cannot be seduced. Hence his insecurity is also unfounded.

You can't stop anyone from leaving. So instead of trying to tie it down and get burned by the friction, why not remove the worries and just enjoy the relationship just as it is?

Cheers