Attachment Theory & Relationship

I came across an article on daily mail, relating Attachment Theory to relationship. Ah yes! social work class again; however to readers outside the profession (counsellor/SW/etc), this is indeed a good read. You can assess the actual news here. But I will just repost the content for easy read.

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How much love do YOU need? Knowing your ‘attachment type’ could be the key to making relationships last

By DR AMIR LEVINE and RACHEL HELLER

Ever wondered why you become clingy as soon as you have a partner? Or why you’re unable to stick in a relationship for long? New research has found that the way we act in relationships is pre-determined by which ‘attachment type’ we are.

By identifying whether you are an ‘avoider’, ‘anxious’ or ‘secure’, you can find your perfect match and transform your relationships.

Everyone - whether they have just started dating or have been married for 40 years - falls into one of these categories. By understanding which one you are, you can view your own behaviour and the actions of people around you in a new light.

If you’re single and looking for love, this knowledge can help you find the right match; or, if you’re already in a relationship, it can help you understand why you think and act as you do. In either case, you’ll start to experience change - for the better.’

Perfect match: Identifying whether you are an 'avoider', 'anxious' or 'secure', will enable you to transform your relationships

The science of attachment is based on the fact that we are all biologically programmed to find love. Although we live in a culture that tells us independence is good, nothing could be further than the truth. People in good relationships have been found to live longer, healthier lives.

The need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism, called the ‘attachment system’, that consists of emotions and behaviours that ensure we stay close to our loved ones.
This system explains why a child parted from his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly or cries uncontrollably until he or she re-establishes contact with her. It also explains the way we behave in our adult relationships.

But while we all have this need for attachment, the way we show it differs.

In the Sixties, tests found that babies were either ‘secure’, ‘anxious’ or ‘avoidant’. If a secure baby’s mother left the room he would start crying, but as soon as she returned he calmed down and started to play again.
The anxious baby was distressed, but when the mother came back, he pushed her away and burst into tears. Finally, the avoidant baby acted as if nothing had happened when the mother left and returned to the room. But tests showed that his heart rate and levels of the stress-hormone, cortisol, rose.

Research has now shown that adults behave in a startlingly similar way to babies when it comes to romantic relationships. What type we are (which depends on our upbringing and adult experiences) determines how you react in romantic situations.

Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and keep their distance.
By using attachment theory both your own behaviour and that of others no longer seems baffling and complex, but rather predictable... So, which attachment style are you?


ANXIOUS 
You have the capacity for great intimacy. But you often fear that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like. Relationships tend to consume a lot of your emotional energy. You are sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s mood and you take your partner’s behaviour overly personally.

You worry if you don’t hear from your partner regularly. When you feel like your partner is getting distant, you tend to express your anxiety by doing the following:

Calling, texting or e-mailing while waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in the hope of running into him;
When they return calls, or come home, you punish them by ignoring them, rolling your eyes when they speak or leaving the room;
Threatening to leave in the hope he’ll make you stay;
Making your partner feel jealous by telling them about other men.
This is a sign of an overly-sensitive attachment system. Even a hint that something is wrong upsets you so much that you are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that the relationship is safe.


AVOIDANT
It is important for you to maintain your independence and you often prefer autonomy to intimacy. While you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partner and they often complain that you are distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for signs of control or impingement by your partner.

Whether you are single or in a relationship, you are always keeping people at a distance by using various ‘deactivating strategies’. These include:

Saying ‘I’m not ready to commit’- but staying together, sometimes for years;
Focusing on imperfections in your partner: the way he talks, dresses etc;
Pining after an ex or waiting for The One;
Flirting with others to introduce insecurity into the relationship;
Not saying ‘I love you’- while implying you do have feelings for them;
Pulling away when it’s going well (eg not calling after an intimate date);
Forming impossible relationships, such as with a married man;
Avoiding physical closeness - for example, not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
If you’re avoidant, you use these  strategies to make sure the person you love won’t get in the way of your autonomy. But, at the end of the day, these tools are standing in the way of you being happy in a relationship.


SECURE
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in your stride, effectively communicate your feelings and are good at reading your partner’s emotional cues. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him in times of need. You are:

A great conflict buster - during a fight you don’t act defensively or punish your partner and are quick to forgive;
Mentally flexible - being willing to change and respond to your partner’s needs;
You express your feelings openly and don’t play games;
You are comfortable with intimacy and sex.
We can all learn from your approach, but that doesn’t mean all your relationships are perfect.
You can find yourself in a bad relationship because you are more likely to forgive long-term bad behaviour and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.


WHAT IS YOUR PARTNER'S STYLE? 
Understanding attachment theory will change the way you perceive new people you meet, but it will also give you surprising insight into an existing partner. You’ll no longer ask yourself: ‘Why is he always pushing me away?’ Instead you’ll say: ‘It really isn’t about me at all - he just doesn’t feel comfortable with too much closeness.’ Similarly, you’ll be less likely to invest time and energy in someone who is wrong for you. Does he send mixed signals? Does he say things like ‘when we move in together’ and then act as though you have no future? If so, he’s an avoider. People usually reveal everything about themselves early on - you just need to keep your eyes open.

Here are the signals to look out for...

ANXIOUS: Wants a lot of closeness; expresses insecurities - worries about rejection; unhappy when not in a relationship; plays games to keep your attention/interest. He also has difficulty explaining what’s bothering him. Expects you to guess; he is suspicious that you are being unfaithful.

AVOIDANT: Sends mixed signals in the relationship; values his/her independence greatly; devalues you (or previous partners) and uses distancing strategies - emotional or physical. He is also mistrustful and fears being taken advantage of by a partner; he doesn’t make his intentions clear and has difficulty talking about what’s going on between you.

SECURE: Reliable and consistent; makes decisions with you; flexible view of relationships; communicates relationship issues well. He can also reach compromise during arguments; is not afraid of commitment or dependency and doesn’t play games.


HOW CAN YOU IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
By understanding your own attachment style you are now better able to understand what kind of person can make you happy.

Do not apologise for these needs. Contrary to popular dating books, there is nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve, saying: ‘I need someone who’s there for me and who I can I rely on.’ The response will speak volumes about your potential partner’s ability to address your needs now and in the future.

If you’re an anxious or avoidant person there are certain things you should and should not do. If you’re in a relationship, stop flying off the handle - take time to assess the possible reasons why someone might not be calling back or is late coming home.

Research shows that avoiders and anxious people are often attracted to each other, but they exacerbate the traits of the other and get into an endless cycle of the anxious person trying to get closer while the avoider pulls away.

That’s not to say they can’t be happy, but they both need to work at it. As a general rule, both anxious and avoiders work well with a secure person. If you’re anxious you might find secure people boring at first, because they don’t provide the exciting highs and lows, but stick around and you might realise you’ve stumbled across a relationship gold mine.

If you’re an avoider, you need to practise relying on people, giving them a chance instead of finding fault and pulling away. Stop idealising past partners or waiting for The One. Allow yourself to get close.
By being there for your partner, they won’t be so needy and you’ll get more independence. And while we can all learn a lot from the secure person, that doesn’t mean their relationships are without problems. Sometimes they can be too forgiving of anxious or avoidant behaviour.

However, most of the time secure people can have a magical effect on others because they do what all avoiders and anxious people want: they meet their needs, providing love and security while letting their partner go off to thrive in the world.

Separation

Nobody likes separation; especially towards friendship or relationship you truly treasure deep inside. It is probably one of the hardest thing in life to come in terms with and process constructive meaning out of the loss. Sometimes, it's about the fear of losing this strong attachment which you have identified with so strongly - it became an unconscious poison.

We only have two choices when we face separation; to face it with gaiety or to deal with it with gloom. Either way, the outcome remained the same.

I must concede to the fact that the moment of loss is inevitable; the pain of having something so close to your heart symbolically vanishing is deep anguish. Surely not that people are gone forever, but the symbolic representation of things have altered.

"Everything flows and nothing abides, everything gives way and nothing stays fixed." - Heraclitus

Tendency of Negotiation of Korean Couples

Recently, I attended 3rd CIFA conference as I have to do an oral presentation on the research I have done on behalf for my agency. I had the privilege to sit through a sharing on how couples negotiate their differences across five different countries (Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan, Korea and China - Shanghai). I took one snap shot of this slide when the Korean researcher was sharing.

Not sure if you people can see anything; basically it shares some insights about Korean couples in generally.

Anyone shares similar method of conflicts resolution in your own relationship? :)

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 031212

Originally posted by becalm:

It feels crazy as it sounds but it's what happening to me now. Thanks in advance for hearing me out.

Let's call my ex bf Dan and Jim, for this guy I've been thinking to go out with.

So after I broke up with Dan few years ago, I didn't let anyone else to enter my heart, until I met Jim.

I used to be deeply in love with Dan. He was everything I could ever wish for in a man. I was an introverted girl while Dan was the opposite but we matched each other almost perfectly probably because we loved each oher to every single bits. We never had enough of each other. But well we never know what are ahead of us. We couldn't be with each other in the end for some reasons.

I moved on having quite a good life despite the emptiness Dan left in my heart. Sometimes I still found myself thinking about him but just random thoughts with no extreme feelings. Then things have changed since the day Jim came into my life. I used to think I'd never truly fall for someone else again but Jim has changed both my heart and mind. Jim feels the same about me and wants us to go out. I should be feeling happy but instead, I'm reluctant to go on dates with him. I know it's not right but I started thinking a lot about Dan since I realized my heart already opened to Jim. I like Jim, really do but sometimes I think about Dan even more, especially after this incident with Jim that used to similarly happen between me and Dan. When it happened, Dan made me trust and love him more while Jim kind of made me disappointed due to his lack of thoughtfulness and maturity.

I'm quite confused now. On one hand, it feels so strong that I like Jim a lot and want to be with him. On the other hand, I want to hold myself back because I still think about Dan. I'm a devoted person, I don't want to think about Dan or any other guys when seeing Jim.

I wanted to be honest and let Jim know what has been bugging me and ask him to give me more time but I don't know how to go about it to not hurt his feeling.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.



Surely our mind produces whatever images we feed it; many a times, unconsciously.

You labeled yourself as devoted; however, there are two sides to a coin dualistically speaking. Devotion in this case is also a resistant towards a possible future. I can't tell how this future would be for you, but to you, having to adopt this picture would somewhat suggest that you would need to give up a once-important picture of the past. This is a trade-off you have refuse to relent thus far.

An opportunity cost my friend; the same dollar can't buy you two loaf of bread. You somehow figured that you can't keep two pictures of the same category in your world of relationship. However, reality is pushing you into making a choice - either which would produce painful perception of lost and uncertain future.

Until you have a committed decision to walk forward, you will always walk while looking backwards. The strain in your neck is basically the misery you are experiencing – nobody has the power to retain our emotional spirit in the past other than ourselves. You could tell Jim that you need time to work some things out yourself; if he is an enlightened male, then you would probably have some time. However, do not use time as an excuse to slip into escapism. You will face the same conundrum somewhere down your future again - with added misery.

P.S: Regardless of options, there is no way you cannot 'don't hurt him' - especially since he has fallen for you. In some degree of truth, you are only responsible for what you say to him and not responsible for what he understands.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 031212

Originally posted by Earthcosmic2:

What if your spouse has an opp. gender good friend whom they call each other ‘darling’?

Platonic friendship is very common nowadays. However, will you get too close to the opp. gender without falling in love with him/her?

My spouse has a good female platonic friend and they call each other ‘darling’, in fact she also call another gf of her ‘darling’ so in a way nothing weird.

But isn’t it weird if my spouse whatsapp with her:

she: darling, you sound bored.

my spouse : darling, bla bla…

Should this be something I need to be concern over?

I mean, for awhile, I can say I trust them but what about in the long run, are they going to darling here and darling there forever?




It does not seem uncommon for one to address someone else affectionately, especially if their friendship is good. However, your post appears to me as a two-part question:

(1) Is my husband at risk of cheating?

Usually a cheating partner would progressively leak out a collective bunch of signs that are mutually coherent. If it is just a singular isolated sign, you could brush it off as platonic friendship. Surely, if he does have history of cheating, then I would say the risk is higher.

From this, one would generally have two schools of thoughts: (i) you believe that if any cheating would happen, it would. Hence any intervention wouldn't make a difference, but would instead hasten the process. (ii) you believe that you should address potentiality before it becomes a reality.

Both philosophical schools of thoughts in love are neither positive nor negative; it is merely how we are geared towards making certain resolution of conflicts in love. If you ask for my personal opinion, I would say my inclination is towards the middle way.

(2) Am I being too paranoid/bad for thinking this way?

It is only natural to be feeling what you are feeling.

We all have our basic needs in relationship and security is one fundamental need. If you feel uncomfortable with him addressing her in such a manner, then surfacing it to him and letting him know is one step you could actively take. You could approach and share it in a reasonable way that you feel uncomfortable with him doing what he is doing.

Instead of assuming, being able to communicate our feelings is important to ensure that there is no elephant in the room. It is the surest way of clarifying our doubts and strengthening the relationship, if we are haunted meaninglessly but by the ghosts in our mind.

Cheers

Love is just another Nature's Tricks?

Arthur Schopenhauer's view on love has strong biological underpinning. He reasoned that our biological nature is the reason why love exist. It only has one singular purpose: procreation. The will to life is the driving force behind our understanding of what love is. Below is some extract of his words:

"The only true purpose, the real purpose of every communion in love is the procreation, the birth of a child, although people who are in love are unable to conceive the nature's treacherous way, casting over the actual act a shining veil ".

"The pleasure, the voluptuousness of mutual sexual possession, is nothing but a trap. Nature is filling the gaps with new individuals. Examine two beings who are seeking to satisfy this imperative instinct called love. One could see in their eyes, filled with lust, a new being taking shape; in their sexual joining, after which they crave, is the union of two beings into one."

Schopenhauer concludes: "Love is only the species' will for survival, the need to propagate de species and it's detrimental to illusions and passing joys the human feels ".

Therefore, according to Schopenhauer, the reason why you fall in love with the person you are in love with and not someone else is because of the fact that he/she possess physical attributes that would complement you to produce the perfect-balanced child. Hence, a short woman would date a tall man so that their child would have an 'ideal' height.

Typical style of Schopenhauer's belief: pessimistic and gloomy.

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If we are all prisoners of our nature, then it would be impossible to find married couple making the choice not to have children albeit they are biologically-healthy enough to procreate. Nature is but one partial factor in love; to believe that it is the main force is inaccurate. But he is right only in the sense that love cast a shining veil to mask a true intention.

So what is the true intention of love? What is it masking?

Yunhaier defines the true intention of love as fulfillment of cosmic lessons, driven by what I termed as effect from relationship that are primarily karmic by nature. Therefore, to understand relationship, we first need to understand what is "Karmic" and how it is imbedded by nature and skillfully disguised as love.

Once, an homeless woman confided with me about her previous marriage and how much abuse she has sustained all these years. Eventually, she made the choice to leave him only to meet another man, who end up abusing her. My training in social work would have easily understood it as a cycle of violence and she is more likely to end up with another mate who would repeat this cycle. Interestingly, especially in the case of family violence, victims are often drawn to mates who originally appears to provide protection and safety due to a variety of reasons, but end up transforming into an abuser themselves.

There are a few reasons why people stayed in abusive relationship. Sometimes, it is for practical reason (e.g. financial, accommodation, etc), while others might be for emotional reasons - even if it is ineffective (e.g. he abuse me but he is a nice guy, he is the only person that cared as my family abandoned me, etc). Regardless of reasons, what's certain is the effect and the choice to remain in the relationship promised much misery and challenges until real intervention sets in.

And if "Karmic" is about the manifestation in varying degree of elements and conditions of misery, sadness, hurt, disappointment, anger, bitterness or resentment in the course of the relationship, virtually no relationship is absolutely spared from the above experience. Even the best of relationship, leading to marriage with zero experience of arguments whatsoever, would experience some level of sadness upon the passing of their spouse.

Therefore, all relationship are karmic by nature.

Grace asked me "then does it mean that we need to avoid relationship?" Of course not; in fact, relationship can be one of the most meaningful/beautiful things in life.

You see, if all relationship are karmic by nature, then if one could find the partner that has less karmic manifestation, these people tends to have happier relationship. Much of it is also due to the individual's ability to evolve when they are leading the relationship (I won't go into details here though). Then you might ask again, how do we know which is 'more' or 'less' karmic in nature?

Ah! This is where the logic stops. Because we generally do not know what our cosmic lesson in love is and what it wants us to learn in this lifetime.

For example: if the perpetrator is abusive due to a root cause say 'possessiveness' - until the possessiveness is adequately resolved, the danger of abusing is likely to return. Surely, the perpetrator would not realize that he is possessive until he ends up with relationships that work simultaneously to spark this off. However, what is driving behind the formation of this relationship and the initial unconscious choice to be with their chosen partner is the teleological result or final cause of him needing to overcome the lessons of 'possessiveness' that life presents. He would then be attracted to a partner that would provide the condition and opportunity to learn this particular lesson in love - which I called it cosmic lesson.

Love is not a will of life; it is a struggle to understand our cosmic lessons in love and how to overcome them to achieve a greater self.

 "It is absurd to suppose that ends are not present [in nature] because we do not see an agent deliberating." - Aristotle

Aunt Agony 271112

Originally posted by crazyheart:

Hello there everyone!

I would appreciate if you guys can hear me out and give me serious advice.

I met up with this girl through a mutual friend. She was looking for a job in my industry so my friend introduced her to me. We met up for the second time with only two of us about a week later when she said she needed some advice and it felt pretty comfortable as if we had known each other for quite some time already. Then ever since she would text or whatsapp me for the same reason that she needs advice but often stroke conversations further to things other than her job seeking issue. She is a very witty and smart girl, she came across as a little shy too but she showed quite an obvious interest in me and gave me a lot of attention but in a really charming way that turned me on big time and I was never tired of chatting with her. She got a decent job two months later and asked me out for a drink to say thanks but I had to turn her down because I was busy running an important project. I promised her to make up for it when I am more free but it never happened. Though I realzied I started to have some feelings for her and wanted to know more about her, I was not ready for a relationship back then so I never asked her out but leaving all the work to her and just see how it goes.

About a month ago, when we were chatting via whatsapp, she asked me all of a sudden if I ever think of her as a friend. I said yes but to my surprise, she said she doesn't. I was stunned but I knew what was going to come. As predicted, she told me she was afraid she has fallen for me and she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She said she just felt much better by letting me know so I don't need to think too much about it cause she knows I only consider her as a friend. Actually I was deeply touched by her confession and I do like her a lot but I had many questions running in my head. I was like, what does this wonderful girl like about me? Can I completely trust someone else after my ex girlfriend left me for another guy? Am I ready to give this a try? And so any other stupid questions...I ended up screwing things up by telling her about my ex girlfriend and that I find it hard to trust anyone again, that even though it's been two years but I couldn't let go of my ex girlfriend yet because we used to have a great relationship. I made a big mistake I know but it's like I wasn't myself in front of her, I just couldn't control myself when I told her all that. Though she told me it's fine because she didn't expect anything anyway and that let's just leave it behind and get back to normal but I know I hurt her feelings utterly.

She stopped contacting me ever since. It's been a month and I really miss her. I realized I no longer have flashback of my ex girlfriend. The only girl I think about now is her. She is the girl I think about every morning when I wake up and every night before I sleep. She is so special. She is so different from the other girls around me. She made me think she likes me for who I am. I really adore her sincere way of showing her affection for me. But I didn't realize how much I like her until now. I miss her texts, miss chatting with her, I was happier with her. I really miss her.

Now I wanted to ask her out but don't know how to start. I'm afraid she has already moved on and I have no chance. I am also the type who has hard time expressing my own feelings so this has been killing me. I really don't know what to do now to reconnect with her, ask her out, let her know how I trully feel about her.

I really need serious advice. I'd highly appreciate.

Cheers


Personally, I don't think you dealt serious damage, though you probably made her go through one round of emotional rollercoaster, especially since she plucked the courage to confess but the response from you wasn't encouraging. You could start small again: with great chats and gradually proceed with initiated dates from you. However, to ease the awkwardness, you might want to surface your intention that you want to know her better as a friend willingly and see if that picks up.

But caution my friend as rejection isn't an easy feeling to deal with. She might hesitate to proceed forward despite your favorable cue because she also has been wounded by you in varying degree. So you would need to move more to cover terrain that has been decimated by you, in addition to the areas you need to reach before a relationship could manifest. Hence, if you have decide to pursue this option, you would naturally need to be more rejection resistant and yet be mindful of proceeding in a comfortable pace.

Momentum and effort is key; hence, I would like to address something more critical here - the self.

If you allow the shadow of your past to be a burden of your future, then you will always be an unhappy person until you recognise that fact that the death of your previous relationship has reasons, though not fully understood by you now, but would need significant time to pass through insofar for you to connect the dots backwards and conceptualize the grand picture.

Being incongruent (of mind and heart - signs of Venus and Mercury affliction) is an effect of this unwillingness to forgive yourself on the point that you probably did what you could do, but the outcome is such that this relationship has to perish in this manner.

Many times in love, we would need to recongise that it is ok, even if it is a failure outcome because our experience would make us a better person/partners/lovers - if we choose to transform our failure into something constructive. Hence, be congruent in dealing with yourself and you could achieve this by embracing your negative experiences and be authentic to your personal feelings. After all, we are solely responsible for your own feelings and behaviours.

P.S: As you are heavily tormented by the ghost of your past, simultaneously on the other side of reality, your ex-gf is probably making merry with her new relationship. She would not be contemplating on her guilt that she has done what she did at this very moment. Therefore, your inability to forgive your failure does not - for a matter of fact - affects anything that concerns her but will affect everything that concerns you. 

To keep resentment has its cost and you are paying for it.

Cheers

Systemic Understanding of Relationship

For today's sharing, I will quote my grand master's words (William Glasser) in his book "Choice Theory - a New Psychology of Personal Freedom"

"We struggle together to survive. It is easier, more efficient and usually feels better than if we struggle by ourselves. Of course, we need others to satisfy our need for love and belonging. We discover that it feel good to use some of our power to help others and that we may gain more power in the process. When we seek freedom, we do so with the hope that someone will always welcome us back when we want to come back. We prefer learning and having fun with others. This is the ideal way to satisfy our basic needs - trying to get close and stay close to each other.

People who have no close relationships are almost always lonely and feel bad. They have no confidence that they will feel good tomorrow because tomorrow will be as lonely as today. Unlike happy people, they concentrate on short-term pleasure. The alcoholic lives for the immediate feelings provided by the alcohol; that he may wrap his car around a tree does not cross his mind. When pleasure is concerned, unhappy people may be totally irrational when they are seeking instant gratification. 

Although the actual feelings that accompany pleasure without relationships may be similar to how we feel when we are enjoying relationships, the activities that lead to these similar feelings are different. Beware of getting involved with people who seem to be able to feel good but have no close friends. They may be witty and fun to be around, but their humor is all put-down and hostility. If you marry such a person, you will soon be the recipient of that hostile humor and may regret it for the rest of your marriage. Look for someone who has good friends whom he or she treats well and whom you enjoy being with, too. Someone who does not have good friends does not know how to love."

One does not live in a world of their own - images filled solely with our partners. Our lives consist of other equally important aspects; fairing inadequately in one area of our life will somehow bring about negative effect on others parts - even if there isn't any form of direct connection between these two entities. 

This is systemic understanding of relationship: one that is balance, fulfilling and enriching. 

Cheers

Gay Men will Marry your Girlfriend

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My Dying Client II

There... my client finally passed away... in a way he has envisioned according to his will and expectation. A naggy intuition told me that he won't survive till his bday and I have to visit him this week. I was glad that I did - and that I had fought against my onslaught of heavy work volume and personal obligation to pay him a quiet visit on my own freewill on Thursday. There I shook his hands for the final time. We exchanged smiles. I told him I have done everything I could possible do within the scope of my profession. Now is the time that he has to figure and make meaning of his final moment. He thanked me.

If I have given myself an excuse to say that I would pay him a visit next week - I would have missed the boat permanently. It is a conscious choice to decide if he is just another case number or another human being anxious about the prospect of death, in which he has never experience before. He is accepting of his circumstances, but that does not mean that he knows what lies ahead. In varying degrees, we are all curious about the final end, but when the time draws near, it is as scary as entering preschool for the first time.

Nobody has died and came back to reveal about what lies ahead. The secrecy surrounding death would make ISD looks like some children organization for no Mas Selamat has ever escape death, with records unbroken since the birth of life.

I am sure we will meet again, in another dimension or incarnation. Who knows? Perhaps... when I know I am dying myself and I have this young man/girl hanging around me for support, it could be him playing the role I have played for him.

My Dying Client

I have a client, who suffers from a terminal illness. Back then around May 2012, he is someone who come across to me as carefree and independent.

As I entered into the ICU ward: there he lies - bedridden and shrouded with strings of tubes and cords around his customized bed, plugged into cold machine and alien equipment. The freedom he used to enjoy is now a recent past. He is alone in his ward, for his condition is too precarious to be living with someone else. Truthfully, he is depended on advanced technology to supply him with oxygen and nutrients for survival.

In other words, he is effectively dying. His days are truly numbered. Concrete and in his face. Not merely an abstract thought.

His voice was feeble and I can barely make any coherent meaning out of his statement. His breathless state constantly robbed him of the opportunity to speak clearly as it has began to take toil on his lung by mere speech. The output of air is way too much for him through talking and his energy deteriorated hastily as his eyes wavered between closing (for some rest) and battling to stay open as he was conscious about the fact that there was a visitor.

Illness has not stole away his common sense of courtesy - though I wouldn't have take it personally even if he had rested for a long moment without speaking to me.

I just wanted my presence around.

I have done and achieved all our mutual set goals as a social worker. He was appreciative of that and make sure that I know it well by thanking me. Many times in fact. I shared that I am here because I want to be there for him: the geniune humane support because he is not just another 'case number' in my system. There he is - a dying man - who is anxious about the prospect of death and wondered where the route ahead lies. I do not profess that I know exactly how he feels, but that does not hinder me in any ways on how I could be there for him professionally.

I know his story. The goldmine of narrative that hid great stash of his personal values, perspective, regrets and glorious moments.  

I stood there for a brief moment. I lower myself near to him as he could not hear him very well. Regardless of content, I just nodded and smiled.

Before I left, he reminded me to wash my hands as it was for my own safety.

My clients. The thoughtful guy.

As I left the hospital, an old quote from Erich Fromm came into my mind: "Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve and from which he cannot escape" (Man for Himself).

Aunt Agony 231012

Originally posted by foreveralone:

Need some serious advice / or simply hear me out.

I've been lurking around here on and off once in a blue moon and there's something bothering me for a long time and I need to get it off my mind.

I'm a working professional, below 30, getting married next year, we even bought our own BTO. I have a healthy and loving r/s with my gf who is a SQ cabin crew. She's pretty, has very nice body and all. A lot of people may be envious of what I have, but inside I actually felt very lonely (or not enough). She gives me a lot of attention but whenever she is overseas I crave to resolve my insatiable desire for sex / hook-ups.

I actually have a list of contacts of flings to talk to and hang out with whenever she is overseas (which she often is). I went dinner/drinking/clubbing with them behind my gf's back. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. I just enjoy the thrill of the danger and also the company of the girls. We never have sex but mostly some light petting and kissing.

Now by no means are the girls whores. They are also working professionals, some with bf as well. It's just we have had a long lasting relationship flirting and such, and I know my way around with girls :)

I don't know what's wrong with me. When my gf is with me I am perfectly fine of course. But when she's not around, I feel like a dog looking around for a bitch to fuck (without the fuck of course).

And the worst thing is, I may have a crush on her younger sister as well. She just turned 20 and I have already went clubbing with her once (just me and her). Though she looks up to me as a brother and a future brother-in-law, I don't know how I can control my advances on her.

I'm not ready to visit a shrink because I know I'm not sick. Do I have a sex addiction? If so, how can I change? I have a addiction to porn as well and I can mast multiple times a day. Please help!

You seemed to have an awareness that 'something' is not quite right; somewhat skirting around the border of promiscuity (or have you already crossed it?). Personally, that depends heavily on your perception of what defines a 'cheating behaviour' - apparently, you seemed cool about having light petting and kisses with others, hence your thoughts about having 'no sex' non-committed flirting relationship might seem 'alright' to you - but I doubt your other half could readily accept this arrangement unless this is an open relationship.

It is always good to seek additional help if you could you feel that you are losing control, however, I just want to caution you one important thing: it is easy to give ourselves a label of 'addiction' so as to abnegate your responsibility of your action because we often 'attribute' the cause of our action to our 'addiction', when in fact it is but a matter of choice.

For example, have you encounter times when you need to pee, but because of that fact that you are in the middle of a conversation/meeting, you actually made the choice to hold your toilet trip until the conversation ends? Surely, peeing is a natural biological urge and it seemed crazy to stop yourself from going to the loo - we do put ourselves in discomforting situation unconsciously due to variety of reasons. 

The only difference between my above analogy is that choosing to go to the toilet abruptly is unlikely to bring about serious repercussion from your significant other, while having sex with someone else behind your gf's back is a morally questionable choice. You could say that I have a 'sex addiction' and I have 'no choice' but to keep a list of numbers so that I could pick from the list randomly whenever I wanted, so as to satisfy my physical needs. 

However, the point is that keeping this option in this fashion is likely to ruin your relationship in the long run. Surely you could remain the way you are, but your outcome is clear - it is a destructive road ahead unless significant changes could manifest. In some cases, you might not get a second chance. If you deemed that this relationship is important to you, then given your current lifestyle, realistically, it does not help you to stay 'dry' and instead, promote this 'old' behaviour in an exceeding dangerous manner (clubbing/flirting/excessive engagement in porn, etc)

I can see that you are contemplating; however, the choice between contemplation and commitment towards resolution on your issue is usually separated by one huge chasm - whether we really want to resolve it. If not, it will end up like having eczema on your last finger - we don't usually give a damn about it until our skin start cracking, bleeding and flaking. 

P.S: Myth buster number one: you don't have to be sick in order to see a professional. You could see a counsellor and just have a chat to understand about the scope of your problem.

Cheers   

Aunt Agony 191012 (Continued from AA 181012)

Originally posted by Devoted gal8888:

Yunhaier:

thanks for feeling what i have gone through...u really still the best love consultant in this forum har..

" is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness." Yeah this sound like a tragic storybook flipped..and drama..

my curiosity would be ‘why now?-> i also want to know why now..i highly suspect is 3rd party but he say no...and he say only recently he start to think why he did not go overseas earlier for his career advancement..i am quite sad as his future plans on overseas career , i am not in the picture..so maybe it leads to him thinking what to do with me...maybe he don't feel he love me so tell me all these..he say he can give up everything because of love...he say he feel back always mocking at me when he treat me coldly and i always very nice to him never got angry and patient with him..he start to find out what's wrong and if this will keep hapening in future and will not be fair to me...he saw husband scold wife in public and reminded him of himself and he feel himself very bad... and why and how to save this relationship...but he say he only find out why ->because he don't love me but yet to find out HOW

.. I tell him "Love need 2 person to put in effort and to work on......can we salvage this ? " he answered "don't force me, let me think.." and he is saying if he go china, i can think also...I feel like he is hoping for me to leave him first..he say he know i love him very much..he feel very sad to hurt such kind girl like me...so he say i can scold him bastard or jerk..all he can say is Sorry..everything he thinks now is his career..he wan to excel...so he cannot commit..

i am trying to save this but i don't know how long i need to wait for his answer...if i move in to the house, it may be better, it may be worst..i really don't know..seem like he is pullin the string to where i land..i know the situation but yet i still canot tell myself to give him up..so end up maybe i will be suffering for few years waiting for him...and telling myself he may come back to me..one day....

Damn stupid woman am i...

:(



If it has something to do with his career and strictly not a third party, your position is still somewhat slightly better. However, I do find it contradicting when he said (in your earlier post) that he is afraid of 'falling in love with other girls', which seemed to me that this is somehow inconsistent with his stance of wanting to be career-focus. If that was his reasoning, then he shouldn't be worried about falling for other girls, much more than worried about not advancing fast enough for his career.

There are a number of possible hypothesis; which is why I say it really depends on what is going on behind screen.

For example, a man could find growing affection towards another woman but he might not technically be 'having an affair' because nothing is cast into stone. In this case, he is right that there is no third party because nothing has happened. But the circumstances probably made him realized something about the relationship, which has caused major quakes. In that case, career-focus might not be the reason; it also served as a convenient distraction from the real problem, almost like a form of escapism.

Truly, there are several tracks to this. However, what kind of decision you make depends on how much information you have on hand. The good thing about having more information is that you would discover discrepancy by comparing notes. Out of curiosity, I have a few critical questions:

I) If he doesn't love you from the start, what kept him going on for so many years? Brutally speaking, is he is waiting for the right opportunity to leap to someone else better?

II) Are you giving him any form of pressure or obstacle when it comes to his career? If he could cope with having you and his career previously, what made the change?

III) Does he mean that if he wants to focus on his career, he doesn't need or want any relationship? Or does he not want you only? But he is fine if someone else comes along?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 181012

Originally posted by Devoted gal8888:

anyone can help to advice me ? i realy dono what to do...in a lost now..

i am with my bf for 8 years til this year we got flat and ROM then busy renovating house and buying furnitures..then sudenly recently he got opportunity to go overseas to work for 2 years...but will come back every 3 months for 1 month..then he also all along wana go overseas for career..he is very career minded...so we have earlier planned that i can visit him as and when..while working in sg.

BUT recently he sudenly out of a sudden.. told me he realised he don't love me anymore...he say recent 2 years he treat me coldly and he feel he only like me and not love me...he say i am too good...and i am very nice ...he like my simple..before me, he actualy dump a few months girl to be with another girl for 2 years but was hurt by her who betrayed him..so .all along he think find a simple girl to be with is good enough but he say he is deceiving himself.he say he expect something in love which he never tell me...he say he see people mushy he feel envy but he say he cannot visualise me mushy with him...he is always very man...how to be mushy with him ? funny...*** stupid man...

.......he say he really hurt me a girl who have put so much in him...and his family who put so much hope in him....his family is very traditional...type..so he haven told them anything yet....he say sorry is only word he can find to me.....my heart was from top splashed to bottom...imagine i am all along so happy thinking i am so fortunate found a gd man...n gettin a new home for us...really disappointed...devastated..y i am such a devoted girl also wrong/? being nice is also wrong ...dono y heaven play such a joke to me...

just few months ago we were saying to hold our customary wedding after he come back...nw he tell me he cannot commit...and he scare he may fall in love with other girls...what the hell..i really suffer shock and depression...he say he need to sort out his thoughts and feelings...he say there is no third party...but he is goin to CHina to work.,..,..not sure if he is suffering from post marriage symptons having cold feet..or he rely dun love me anymore

...he say he is very sad ..he say he.think alot and having sleepless nights before telling me all these !...but it is not fair to me..he is being selfish...y all these years so long then realised he dun love me? and i think if he go china very easily will have possibility in another relationship...i do not want to give up this relationship...my friends think i am so stupid...if them sure will slap him and dump him since his heart no longer with me...

..i also think i very stupid..if i will to advise my friend i also say same thing..but now it happen to myself..i feel i cannot bring myself to dump him...i feel so useless..****..my heart cannot let him go...feel very sad ..i still hope i can do things to move him...now...with my best before i regret...if i really let go now...i am the kind of person who will try till the end before i give up......i really in a lost...now i going to move in the new house with him..and next year he goin overseas...now we still remain as husband and wife status..my friend say i will suffer more if move into the house as if he go overseas i will start anyhow think...but i feel its my house i got the right to move in ***..he say he is still thinking now...if he wana salvage our relationship..faint...Y man can be like that? i always say marriage is a gamble...now happen to me..i really canot bring to say that happen to myself..i go temple pray every week hoping he will change his mind..i think i am really stupid...i dono hw to stand up...really lost..then recently after he told me these, i been trying to win back his heart... i buy dinner for him during he ot..he feel happy...but later ask me y i keep buy diner for him recently n say no need..  i even do a touching video putting all our photographs to touch him...then he told me we are still husband and wife after seeing the video...dono what that means..i think he is still thinking..

please help me...give me some advise...

so depressed and sad.. i know i can choose to be happy but yet i cannot control my heart thinking worst tings hapening..


I sense your deep pain, hurt and anguish; truly it is a great struggle having to lead a relationship of eight years - only to see this dream shatter into glass pieces seemingly overnight. It is only natural to be adamantly attached to the past and the length of the relationship, especially since the taste of marriage life is about to begin in your new matrimonial home.

It is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness.

It takes two to clap; surely your last effort in trying to salvage a relationship is an effortful feat to protect what’s left of your relationship, just remember that no amount of persuasion, influence or coercion could resurrect a man who has never loved you because you cannot lose something that never exist nor fix something that has never been there.

Our disappointment and sadness would naturally fall through tears upon this realization. I truly feel you.

***

He is contemplating because there are many factors to consider, many things to ‘lose’ and many systemic damage to minimize. In addition, it is likely that you do not have full information or reason for his decision. If he could lead eight years of a ‘loveless’ relationship, my curiosity would be ‘why now?’ Granted that there might be push factors (e.g. he doesn’t love you actually… not the one he is looking for, etc), but I believe there are also events happening, unconscious to you, which generate significant pull factor/s.

Love is not a gamble; we all take calculated risk. You married him because you love him and not because of chance: there are emotions, experiences, time and investment plough into the fields of love. It is not merely dice rolling, entirely at mercy of luck and chances.

Other than trying to win back the relationship, I suggest you might want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and know the ‘pull factors’ at work to understand the terrain of the battle you are fighting on. Only then, you could have better clarity of your relationship and decide what you could or should do about it.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 161012

Originally posted by TheAddict:

Okay, this is my first time posting in the forums, sorry if its in the wrong session.

a little background info;
the guy is in his 30s and is currently going through a divorce. he has three kids and i'm young. he is an introvert and keeps thoughts to himself and he is a bit quiet until you loosen him up. he has very little friends, he is very logical and rational (i know all man are like this, but he is extremely logical). i know he is a nice guy, otherwise i wouldnt fall in love for a jerk. i am actually quite independant for my age but this guy really makes me go crazily in love with him. he is just my type, if you put it that way. he makes me clingy to him, but i resist the urge to text him all the time and keep our conversation short so as to give him space.

Well, he and i had a relationship for 3 months. everytime i spend time with him, i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him. okay, so i havent felt his love for 1 month, therefore, this week, i went to ask him about his feelings for me. it turns out my feelings were right, he doesnt love me anymore and he only loves me as a friend now. 

at first i wasn't angry and was very very hurt. he kept apologizing and said that he needed time to sort things out and he asked me not to leave him and that he will try to find the feelings back. at first i was determined to leave him if he doesnt love me, because well, whats the point right? so i went mad and told him that he would actually grow old being lonely if he doesn't even want to give this relationship a try. he told me he isnt interested in a relationship right now because of all the things that he is going through (troubled and stress from the divorce). but as time grew, i find myself thinking of him every second and i cant sleep well and i just love him so much. i dont want to get over him, i want to get him back.

i told him about my feelings and try to get him to reminisce the good times that we have so that getting his feelings back for me would be easier. i told him that i still wants to be his girlfriend and he said he dont want to hurt me. he said 'okay we are still together, but we will not have sex okay?' so i agreed. i then told him that he has to promise me to at least try to have his feelings for me back. he didnt reply and 5 hours later, he asked 'what are you doing?' like i never said that..

before i slept last night, i texted him goodnight and that i love him. he changed topic before that, but the next message he sent included a 'love you'. i know he is fulfilling his duty as a 'boyfriend' but do you think that rekindling our love is possible? if i were to bring him to places that we first held hands and first kissed, does it matter? should i let go or keep trying, because im so in love with him? do you think he is still in love with me, but is afraid of having a commitment since he just got out of his marriage? do i ever have the chance to experience love from him again...?

i dont want to keep having these conversations with him that makes him say things that he doesn't want to say. please help me..



When we are in love, our executive thinking function partially shuts down. It is where our sense of reasoning and logical thinking lies. Thus when folks say 'love is blind' - it is somewhat true.

If you are truly 18-19 years old, then there would be certain elements or factors that you have deliberately downplayed to pursue the love you desire in a seemingly reasonable fashion. For a man in his 30s, he probably experienced a good deal of how love and relationship have been functioning in his life. In terms of social age, he is far beyond your level of mere companionship and relatively untainted feelings.

Other than his reason of 'having no feelings', he is likely to feel ambiguous about this relationship. Surely, part of his sexual and emotional needs are satisfied through you, however, it is a much greater hurdle to convince himself in reality that he (and you) is in for a real relationship after his wife exit the scene. Three children, financial obligation and negative perspective from external family and friends: these are very real issues he would have to deal with if he wants to upgrade a seemingly need-driven relationship into something more concrete.

You might want to figure out what exactly you are getting out of this relationship and what is stopping you from leaving. More often than not, these are intangible qualities, value or event that extends itself beyond just 'I love him.' Sometimes, falling for a much older man reflects the absence of close male figure/s in your early childhood environment. The possibilities are numerous; however, having some clarity would help you to sort out internally if this relationship as a whole (not just a selective part) is what you want and what you need.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 111012

Originally posted by Olljwdkq:

I'm an 18 year old taking my As this year. Up till now I don't really have problems in my life, right till now.

Almost all my friends are attached. In my 2 years I've chased 4 girls without luck. I'm not a flirt, perhaps it's my defense mechanism, to move on quickly after I get rejected. I just feel so lonely that I'm forever alone. Often I wonder if it's because I'm short, or I'm ugly, or what. To be honest I'm not short, I'm perhaps a little below average. And I don't think I'm ugly, but then I can't get a girlfriend, so maybe I AM ugly. I don't know. (I'm not posting my picture)

Recently there was this girl. Last week (I ended school at 12 and had something at 4 so I wanted to study in between) I texted her if she was studying (I know she studies in school) and she said yes, so I went to join her. It was productive, we chatted a bit, but not to the extent that we couldn't concentrate on work.

Yesterday (Sunday) we had a school event including her and I. She asked me to eat dinner with her. Maybe I'm thinking too much, but from this I'm thinking she doesn't HATE me, right? I mean why would you ask somebody you dislike for dinner? So all I'm saying is it's a reasonable guess that she at least does not dislike me.

Anyway we didn't eat dinner that day, because I had something cropped up the last minute.

So anyway I asked to study with her again (because I studied with her once and it was productive for both of us + I was under the impression she at least likes me) and she said she preferred to study alone. Note that when I studied with her she was studying with a friend, so I'm not sure if her friend joined at the last minute (like me) or if she was just blowing me off with an excuse.

Today I went to study and saw her and joined her. There was a girl there (a different one). When the girl left she said bye to her. So I don't know if they were studying together or not. (She is really sociable and has lots of friends so maybe the girl could have just joined like me, I don't know).

So 1) I'm really confused: If she likes me enough to ask me to join her for dinner, why won't she say yes to studying with me? I'm not even asking her out on a date! I just wanted to study together. And if she's not comfortable around me, why the f*ck would she ask me for dinner?

2) I'm frustrated. My head is in a mess. My mind is f*cked up. What's wrong with me? Is it my character, my personality, or physically I'm just defective? Why can't I find a girlfriend? Am I that bad a catch? In what areas exactly am I not on par with my friends?

3) I'm so lonely. Right now I don't even want a girlfriend! I just want a female companion, a friend. A person to study with.

What's wrong with me?

Too much analysis causes paralysis.

You probably felt the need to validate your own self worth by believing that for as long as you could hang out with at least one girl, it would somehow raise your esteem by a notch. This is normal and natural development for people of your age; in which our identity is pretty much tied to the kind of association and friends we hang out with.

The fear of loneliness is one of the most common reasons why people desire a 'Boy-Girl' form of relationship. But it's not just about being attached per se; the fact is that our love and belonging needs are not adequately being met. Hence we always feel the void to fill them with something and our logical mind perceived that as BGR. However, it is a vicious cycle because every rejection would naturally cause you to distort, withdraw or reinforce your defensive mechanism.

In reality, what you are probably missing in life is not merely BGR; in fact, it's likely that you don't really share very meaningful relationship with people - both boys and girls (immediate family members not included). And meaningful does not mean romantic.

Ultimately, we are all social creatures - the need to feel connected to another person is a real need. Other than studying, you might want to figure out what you usually do during your free time and how to expand your social circle beyond that of just academic activities. Focusing on interest and activities would greatly help to defray the prospect of loneliness, have fun and improve our social capital.

Cheers

Fallacy of Recovery

The rate of recovery from a defunct relationship is an area of Love that people often have problems grappling with. Some people really struggled with the outcome of losing their relationship more than others; however it is not always suggestive of the fact that those that 'fare better' are less attached to their relationship - it is really about their own conception of the problem regarding separation and death. People with difficulty in coming in terms with these concepts generally faced greater issues because the lost of their relationship is really just another aspect of death.... another aspect of separation.

I will address the fallacy of recovery, which people often subconsciously adopt and fuel their own misery.

I. Expecting recovery to happen naturally

Recovery is NOT a natural process; it does not happen naturally like how you shit naturally after a few meals consumption. Recovery is a constant active process, in which we constantly battle the relapses, the flashbacks and the depressive moods. It is a conscious choice to pick an alternative behavior or adopt new ones to help us cope with the death of our relationship.

By not doing anything to engage our body, mind and spirit - it is likely to maximize the misery we are going to face in full frontal effect.


II. Expecting to recover instantly

We are only humans; expecting us to recover immediately after a break up is almost like asking for the moon. This is especially true for the ones that have grown so attached to their other half and the sudden separation is more likely to bring about a period of chaos, confusion and disorder. Some people have this false belief that if I do 'this' and straight away I will recover. Good attempt, but chances are relapse are also as likely to happen.

Be gentle on yourself. Time (and action) needs to play its part to ensure that recovery has a fair chance to manifest in your life. It is not magic, so don't expect miracles to happen on your emotions.


III. Expecting recovery, while maintaining attachment to a nonexistent relationship

This is a common fallacy that people suffers from; although it is painful to lose a relationship, it is equally painful to retain ourselves and get attached to a relationship that no longer exist. The emotional craving does not get sated in any ways and this certainly brings about great misery. They are likely to lament that nothing help them to relief the pain, but unconsciously, they are choosing the behavior to perpetuate this misery. It is like punching the wall and praying that it does not hurt - the distortion in reality and delusion will only serve to direct ourselves in a downward spiral of depression.


IV. I can forgive, but I can't forget. 

Asking someone to forget another person in my opinion is one of the worst advice commonly being dished out. Realistically speaking, how can anyone ever forget anyone? Unless you suffer from dementia, which is not likely to happen until another 50 years time, this suggestion is as good as a meaningless quote.

You CAN'T forget anyone as a matter of fact - you can only get USED to the feeling of leading life without your other half. Getting used to a discomfort feeling is not quite the same as forgetting the source of your discomfort - the latter is bound to fail.


V. I won't forgive him/her - how I can just let him/her go so simple? 

Sure you won't forgive; but even if you don't, your ex will likely to be out there making merry and getting back to his/her life while you are miserably depressed about your spilled milk. Your forgiveness is NOT a permission for your ex to move along in life; your forgiveness is basically a self forgiveness - where you forgive yourself for making an unwise decision or making some mistakes in the past that has become irrevocable.

Nobody is perfect - accept that some circumstances are beyond our control. Without self forgiving, it makes recovery a difficult process.

Emotional People. Rational People.

Emotional people likes talking to rational people because they want analysis from rational people (especially on relationship) as the logic behind rationality sometimes serve to understand their circumstances better.

But at the end of the day, emotional people finds it difficult to carry through the logical plans like how rational people do because rational people segment logic from emotions, while emotional people drive logic emotionally.

It is not that they don't understand the logical plans in an intellectual sense; it is that they find it emotionally difficult to execute the plans the way rational people do. It is like if I am not brought up in a culture where eating with bare hands would allow me the enjoy the food better; it is not that I don't know how to eat with my hands. (Duh. Just use your hands and eat it). But instead, I must feel comfortable in using my hands to eat before I use them to eat.

So are you emotional people? Or rational people? :)

Cheers

Perceived Reality of Love

It is even possible to understand 'Love'?

A tough question indeed. I remember I had supervision the other day and one of my colleague's main struggle is to help her client figure out a way to understand 'love', in reference to how self image and self love would somehow affect her relationship.

It is a hard question isn't it? Asking people what is an abstract quality of a value or a concept.

The point is that we will never be able to know what love is. It is same with reality. We do not know what reality really is. All we know and understanding about reality is merely through our senses. Hence, our understanding of reality is but an edited version of reality.

We only have perceived reality.

In the same argument, we cannot know the nature of love. In fact, drilling into an unfathomable nature of love leads to derangement and is ultimately meaningless. We only know of love through the properties it surface. For example, when my mother cooks for the family, it is one property of love (act of services). When a couple goes overseas and having fun together, it is also one property of love (quality time). So on and so forth.

When you combined all these acquired experience, one is likely to conclude a few ideas about love, in which it would naturally transform into a belief, since some of these experience probably reinforce a particular ideology.

But is this ideology of ours, formed about love, the universal truth?

Tinted glasses and selective perception.

After all, we only know of a perceived reality. We do not know what reality really is.

I only have one reflective question for those who happen to stumble upon my article; how has retaining your own belief (whatever it is) help or not help you to experience love as it is?  

If it does not help you, it is something that you want to change?

What do you think? :)

Aunt Agony II 180912

Originally posted by heartlessheartbroken:

Please do not flame and read my whole story, I am only writing this to obtain genuine advice on my current situation. It is a long story but my life is really in a mess that is beyond imagination.

My wife ran away with my son and my only family member, my nephew left my house and severed all ties with me, now I am all alone but left with a few important decisions to make to remedy this situation.

I fell in love with a beautiful woman A some years ago, she is my ideal type and we dated for almost 2 years. She is rich, extremely pretty and had everything I wished for a wife. However, due to my unfaithfulness, I had a one-night-stand with another woman B at a bar. Unfortunately, I pregnated her and we were forced to get married by her parents. B isn't too bad and we had a healthy marriage life but I do not love her. Instead, my heart still belongs to A. Needless to say, A was infuriated because at that time we broke up, we had plans to get married.

I have been living with my nephew for many years since his parents passed away. Ever since my brother and his wife passed away when their son was still schooling, my nephew 35, and me, 40 lived together with our son. We lived a very modest life and I had regretted my affair which turned out into an unwanted marriage and family. I could have lived much better if I had married A in the first place.

However, due to very unbelievable coincidence, my nephew met A in his company and they became very close friends and dated. It was only last year during CNY that he brought her to our small reunion. My wife B recognised A and immediately disapproved of their relationship. When A met me, I was sure that she still had feelings for me like I did for her, however she married my nephew. After our meetup, we had sex on a few occasions without my wife's knowledge.

Last month, A discovered that she was pregnant despite desperately trying many times with my nephew. My nephew was so happy that his wife got pregnant but I was quite sure that the child belongs to me. I then brought A to have a medical checkup and they said there was nothing wrong with her. That means my nephew was infertile all along and the child is indeed mine.

When all of us met for a diner a few days ago, my wife B became suspicious of us because I showed too much care for her unborn baby. After the dinner, I met up privately with my nephew and told him that A was carrying my child. He told my wife about it and she ran away from home with our son. My nephew is also on the verge of divorce with A because of her affair with me. After A knew about this, she blamed herself and tried to commit suicide. I brought her to my house and she had been living here for the past 2 days.

I know I am a bad person but I want to try to save our family and thought of these options:

1. Divorce B, marry A and start a new life with her. But if I do that, I lose my wife and child, also my nephew.

2. Lie to my nephew and tell him I was drunk and blurted out nonsence that night. Hope that life will be back to normal again while still being able to see A for the rest of my life as a niece in-law. If A keeps this secret well, our family will be in peace for the time being.

3. Relocate to another country with my wife and child and forget about A completely.

I think 2 is the best option but it will be very hard for me to do. Are there any other ways I can get over this?



Two wrongs do not make one right.

You could go on making choices to fill in the void caused by some unwise decision/s made at that point of time. However, it will just snowball into a huge conflagration, in which you will find it harder and harder to extinguish. Life is full of 'what ifs' - surely things would be different if you had married A. However, the truth is that the 'what if' never actually took place. We could go on forever on how those possibilities could play out, but then again, it is not possible to go back in time to find out for sure.

It is based on what you felt was a wrong choice, while ignoring other factors that would have naturally develop along the way to neutralize the value of 'wrongness'.

When you have a sexual affair with your nephew's wife - it is a clear indication that you are willing to risk your marriage (which includes your wife and son) to pursue what you felt was a choice left behind by an unfortunate circumstances. However, I just want to highlight something: 'no choice' is still a choice. You might have been 'coerced' by her parents and/or your conscience on moral grounds to marry your wife - still, it is a choice that you have decided to commit eventually, even though there wasn't any love. I truly doubt her parents actually point the gun barrel at you to say 'I do' - I think you get my drift.  

Until the point we take responsibility for all our choices made, it is hard to get out of your situation effectively because your chosen behaviour often revolves around avoiding, minor (ineffective) patching and/or delaying the consequences of an unwise decision. Notice that your preferred course of action is (2), which still another attempt to do one or more of the above.

Your options are mutually exclusive; keeping your family intact would means that A would have to go, while choosing A would means that your wife, son and nephew will need to go. Coexistent in this case is impossible and unrealistic to pursue.

P.S: You have to decide what you want before you commit any further decision. If you are lost: stop for a moment and glance at your map. You don't keep walking because chances are, you will walk further away from your original destination and that will just make you feel miserable once the truth slams you hard - on how far away you are from where you want to want.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 180912

Originally posted by Frustrated86:

I hope not to expect anybody to flame here, only constructive comments.

I come from a broken family. Father was a gambler and sailor, left my family when i was a child. Mother never remarried. Mother then carry the responsibility of raising me and my elder sister, hawking at the roadside.

So, my education never surpass school. I now work as an assistant chef at a hotel. I toil night and day, in the steamy kitchen. Life is hard. I have few friends and no sociel life and yes I work on saturdays and sundays. Sometimes i have to come to shift-work at 3am to prepare the meals for breakfast.

My pay is low. Now life is getting harder for my family and I. My mother's health has not been great. She suffers from acute asthma. My elder sister got married to an abusive husband. He hits her regularly and he borrows money from the loan shark. The loan shark harass him until he left my sister for good. Now my sister have moved in to stay with us. I have regular fights with my sister over the admin of our home and splitting the money for our daily home maintenance.

So here is my story, I met this girl at the hotel we work, she works at the concierge. We've gone out regularly on dates. I fell in love with her. However, as time goes by, she seem not to be very responsive to me anymore. It was then, I realise that one of the hotel managers was persuing her. He was richer and have more money than me. In the end, the girl explained to me that she had to leave me for a better man who can provide her with better security.

I am so heart broken. I am so poor and no matter what I do, I cannot alleviate my situation. I have no time to meet people because of my job.

I feel demoralised, not knowing what hte future lay for me. I don't think I would be able to find any girl who i can support because they all want richer man. I am starting to realise that women here don't want a guy with a simple salary anymore. THeir expectations have gone up sky high, they want a rich guy.

I also feel very stress because I have to support my ailing mother with her high medical expenses and not be able to afford to buy property. Everything is getting expensive but my salary is still the same.

I would like to take additional educational courses to better my life but i have no spare time and not enough money.

I envy all my former schoolmates who have richer parents, sent them overseas to study, now they come back to take over their father's business, have easy life, drive big car and live in big mansions and marry the beautiful wife. These people always go out and lose their smartphones but next day they easily replace them. Me? I am still using a button handphone.

Is life ever fair? No. I have to toil on. I cannot blame this on my parents. I just have to blame it on fate.

I am struggling to uplift my life, wondering what I should do. The future don't look so good but i have to put on a smile. 



Although it may be hard when our early childhood are filled with challenges and difficulties that limit our opportunities in life, ultimately, it is paramount to recognize that though these events do play a significant part in our life, they do not exist in our future - if that isn't how we want the game to end.

You could accept the way how your past was; but it is an entirely different ball game for your future.

It would be a grave mistake to attribute your misery due to the fact that your love interest chose someone else over you because of money alone. The point is that it may help you to cope better emotionally because having this perspective is certainly easier than making a choice to change a seemingly gloomy destiny.

Perhaps what you lack is not merely a lack of opportunities, but a lack of courage.

I do not know you, but for someone who claims to have little education; I felt that you certainly write decent enough to express your ideas and feelings. And working hard to make a decent living despite having a really tough job is resiliency.

I am not here to judge, but rather, I have a few reflective questions for you to evaluate your own situation.

I) If you remained in your current job and your prospect is limited; how much are you willing to risk doing something different so that you could achieve a different outcome?

II) If you imagine yourself upgrading, what would you see yourself learning/doing?

III) How badly do you want to change your own personal destiny? How much are you willing to commit and work on it?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 050912

Originally posted by Butt3rcup:

I have been with my bf for about a year now.

The prob wif me is I'm not confident of being alone. I have carried a torch for Another guy for a long time. But I know he can't be with me cos of other personal reasons. Mostly would be his race. I'm not concerned of looks cos I know eventually it will fade. But I cannot be in this way where I'm neither here or there. Wat should I do ?

Im getting married wif my current bf next year

It appears to me that you might not be emotionally ready for marriage and if you decide to go along with your plans, you might have to pay a higher ticket price for 'future changes'. Though painful as taking ownership of your choice might be, it is still far better than sweeping it under the carpet and thinking that things will just go away.

Because ultimately, you just can't run away from yourself.

The fear of being alone is common. However, if the relationship is led by fear and not by love, you would have a lot of self convincing to do when there is presence of 'competition' - even if you are already married by then.

Cheers