Aunt Agony 271112

Originally posted by crazyheart:

Hello there everyone!

I would appreciate if you guys can hear me out and give me serious advice.

I met up with this girl through a mutual friend. She was looking for a job in my industry so my friend introduced her to me. We met up for the second time with only two of us about a week later when she said she needed some advice and it felt pretty comfortable as if we had known each other for quite some time already. Then ever since she would text or whatsapp me for the same reason that she needs advice but often stroke conversations further to things other than her job seeking issue. She is a very witty and smart girl, she came across as a little shy too but she showed quite an obvious interest in me and gave me a lot of attention but in a really charming way that turned me on big time and I was never tired of chatting with her. She got a decent job two months later and asked me out for a drink to say thanks but I had to turn her down because I was busy running an important project. I promised her to make up for it when I am more free but it never happened. Though I realzied I started to have some feelings for her and wanted to know more about her, I was not ready for a relationship back then so I never asked her out but leaving all the work to her and just see how it goes.

About a month ago, when we were chatting via whatsapp, she asked me all of a sudden if I ever think of her as a friend. I said yes but to my surprise, she said she doesn't. I was stunned but I knew what was going to come. As predicted, she told me she was afraid she has fallen for me and she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She said she just felt much better by letting me know so I don't need to think too much about it cause she knows I only consider her as a friend. Actually I was deeply touched by her confession and I do like her a lot but I had many questions running in my head. I was like, what does this wonderful girl like about me? Can I completely trust someone else after my ex girlfriend left me for another guy? Am I ready to give this a try? And so any other stupid questions...I ended up screwing things up by telling her about my ex girlfriend and that I find it hard to trust anyone again, that even though it's been two years but I couldn't let go of my ex girlfriend yet because we used to have a great relationship. I made a big mistake I know but it's like I wasn't myself in front of her, I just couldn't control myself when I told her all that. Though she told me it's fine because she didn't expect anything anyway and that let's just leave it behind and get back to normal but I know I hurt her feelings utterly.

She stopped contacting me ever since. It's been a month and I really miss her. I realized I no longer have flashback of my ex girlfriend. The only girl I think about now is her. She is the girl I think about every morning when I wake up and every night before I sleep. She is so special. She is so different from the other girls around me. She made me think she likes me for who I am. I really adore her sincere way of showing her affection for me. But I didn't realize how much I like her until now. I miss her texts, miss chatting with her, I was happier with her. I really miss her.

Now I wanted to ask her out but don't know how to start. I'm afraid she has already moved on and I have no chance. I am also the type who has hard time expressing my own feelings so this has been killing me. I really don't know what to do now to reconnect with her, ask her out, let her know how I trully feel about her.

I really need serious advice. I'd highly appreciate.

Cheers


Personally, I don't think you dealt serious damage, though you probably made her go through one round of emotional rollercoaster, especially since she plucked the courage to confess but the response from you wasn't encouraging. You could start small again: with great chats and gradually proceed with initiated dates from you. However, to ease the awkwardness, you might want to surface your intention that you want to know her better as a friend willingly and see if that picks up.

But caution my friend as rejection isn't an easy feeling to deal with. She might hesitate to proceed forward despite your favorable cue because she also has been wounded by you in varying degree. So you would need to move more to cover terrain that has been decimated by you, in addition to the areas you need to reach before a relationship could manifest. Hence, if you have decide to pursue this option, you would naturally need to be more rejection resistant and yet be mindful of proceeding in a comfortable pace.

Momentum and effort is key; hence, I would like to address something more critical here - the self.

If you allow the shadow of your past to be a burden of your future, then you will always be an unhappy person until you recognise that fact that the death of your previous relationship has reasons, though not fully understood by you now, but would need significant time to pass through insofar for you to connect the dots backwards and conceptualize the grand picture.

Being incongruent (of mind and heart - signs of Venus and Mercury affliction) is an effect of this unwillingness to forgive yourself on the point that you probably did what you could do, but the outcome is such that this relationship has to perish in this manner.

Many times in love, we would need to recongise that it is ok, even if it is a failure outcome because our experience would make us a better person/partners/lovers - if we choose to transform our failure into something constructive. Hence, be congruent in dealing with yourself and you could achieve this by embracing your negative experiences and be authentic to your personal feelings. After all, we are solely responsible for your own feelings and behaviours.

P.S: As you are heavily tormented by the ghost of your past, simultaneously on the other side of reality, your ex-gf is probably making merry with her new relationship. She would not be contemplating on her guilt that she has done what she did at this very moment. Therefore, your inability to forgive your failure does not - for a matter of fact - affects anything that concerns her but will affect everything that concerns you. 

To keep resentment has its cost and you are paying for it.

Cheers