Originally posted by Olljwdkq:
I'm an 18 year old taking my As this year. Up till now I
don't really have problems in my life, right till now.
Almost all my friends are attached. In my 2 years I've
chased 4 girls without luck. I'm not a flirt, perhaps it's my defense
mechanism, to move on quickly after I get rejected. I just feel so lonely that
I'm forever alone. Often I wonder if it's because I'm short, or I'm ugly, or
what. To be honest I'm not short, I'm perhaps a little below average. And I
don't think I'm ugly, but then I can't get a girlfriend, so maybe I AM ugly. I
don't know. (I'm not posting my picture)
Recently there was this girl. Last week (I ended school at
12 and had something at 4 so I wanted to study in between) I texted her if she
was studying (I know she studies in school) and she said yes, so I went to join
her. It was productive, we chatted a bit, but not to the extent that we
couldn't concentrate on work.
Yesterday (Sunday) we had a school event including her and
I. She asked me to eat dinner with her. Maybe I'm thinking too much, but from
this I'm thinking she doesn't HATE me, right? I mean why would you ask somebody
you dislike for dinner? So all I'm saying is it's a reasonable guess that she
at least does not dislike me.
Anyway we didn't eat dinner that day, because I had
something cropped up the last minute.
So anyway I asked to study with her again (because I studied
with her once and it was productive for both of us + I was under the impression
she at least likes me) and she said she preferred to study alone. Note that
when I studied with her she was studying with a friend, so I'm not sure if her
friend joined at the last minute (like me) or if she was just blowing me off
with an excuse.
Today I went to study and saw her and joined her. There was
a girl there (a different one). When the girl left she said bye to her. So I
don't know if they were studying together or not. (She is really sociable and
has lots of friends so maybe the girl could have just joined like me, I don't
know).
So 1) I'm really confused: If she likes me enough to ask me
to join her for dinner, why won't she say yes to studying with me? I'm not even
asking her out on a date! I just wanted to study together. And if she's not
comfortable around me, why the f*ck would she ask me for dinner?
2) I'm frustrated. My head is in a mess. My mind is f*cked
up. What's wrong with me? Is it my character, my personality, or physically I'm
just defective? Why can't I find a girlfriend? Am I that bad a catch? In what
areas exactly am I not on par with my friends?
3) I'm so lonely. Right now I don't even want a girlfriend!
I just want a female companion, a friend. A person to study with.
What's wrong with me?
Too much analysis
causes paralysis.
You probably felt the need to validate your own self worth
by believing that for as long as you could hang out with at least one girl, it
would somehow raise your esteem by a notch. This is normal and natural
development for people of your age; in which our identity is pretty much tied
to the kind of association and friends we hang out with.
The fear of loneliness is one of the most common reasons why
people desire a 'Boy-Girl' form of relationship. But it's not just about being
attached per se; the fact is that our love and belonging needs are not
adequately being met. Hence we always feel the void to fill them with something
and our logical mind perceived that as BGR. However, it is a vicious cycle
because every rejection would naturally cause you to distort, withdraw or
reinforce your defensive mechanism.
In reality, what you are probably missing in life is not
merely BGR; in fact, it's likely that you don't really share very meaningful
relationship with people - both boys and girls (immediate family members not
included). And meaningful does not mean romantic.
Ultimately, we are all social creatures - the need to feel
connected to another person is a real need. Other than studying, you might want
to figure out what you usually do during your free time and how to expand your
social circle beyond that of just academic activities. Focusing on interest and
activities would greatly help to defray the prospect of loneliness, have fun
and improve our social capital.
Cheers
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