Aunt Agony 181012

Originally posted by Devoted gal8888:

anyone can help to advice me ? i realy dono what to do...in a lost now..

i am with my bf for 8 years til this year we got flat and ROM then busy renovating house and buying furnitures..then sudenly recently he got opportunity to go overseas to work for 2 years...but will come back every 3 months for 1 month..then he also all along wana go overseas for career..he is very career minded...so we have earlier planned that i can visit him as and when..while working in sg.

BUT recently he sudenly out of a sudden.. told me he realised he don't love me anymore...he say recent 2 years he treat me coldly and he feel he only like me and not love me...he say i am too good...and i am very nice ...he like my simple..before me, he actualy dump a few months girl to be with another girl for 2 years but was hurt by her who betrayed him..so .all along he think find a simple girl to be with is good enough but he say he is deceiving himself.he say he expect something in love which he never tell me...he say he see people mushy he feel envy but he say he cannot visualise me mushy with him...he is always very man...how to be mushy with him ? funny...*** stupid man...

.......he say he really hurt me a girl who have put so much in him...and his family who put so much hope in him....his family is very traditional...type..so he haven told them anything yet....he say sorry is only word he can find to me.....my heart was from top splashed to bottom...imagine i am all along so happy thinking i am so fortunate found a gd man...n gettin a new home for us...really disappointed...devastated..y i am such a devoted girl also wrong/? being nice is also wrong ...dono y heaven play such a joke to me...

just few months ago we were saying to hold our customary wedding after he come back...nw he tell me he cannot commit...and he scare he may fall in love with other girls...what the hell..i really suffer shock and depression...he say he need to sort out his thoughts and feelings...he say there is no third party...but he is goin to CHina to work.,..,..not sure if he is suffering from post marriage symptons having cold feet..or he rely dun love me anymore

...he say he is very sad ..he say he.think alot and having sleepless nights before telling me all these !...but it is not fair to me..he is being selfish...y all these years so long then realised he dun love me? and i think if he go china very easily will have possibility in another relationship...i do not want to give up this relationship...my friends think i am so stupid...if them sure will slap him and dump him since his heart no longer with me...

..i also think i very stupid..if i will to advise my friend i also say same thing..but now it happen to myself..i feel i cannot bring myself to dump him...i feel so useless..****..my heart cannot let him go...feel very sad ..i still hope i can do things to move him...now...with my best before i regret...if i really let go now...i am the kind of person who will try till the end before i give up......i really in a lost...now i going to move in the new house with him..and next year he goin overseas...now we still remain as husband and wife status..my friend say i will suffer more if move into the house as if he go overseas i will start anyhow think...but i feel its my house i got the right to move in ***..he say he is still thinking now...if he wana salvage our relationship..faint...Y man can be like that? i always say marriage is a gamble...now happen to me..i really canot bring to say that happen to myself..i go temple pray every week hoping he will change his mind..i think i am really stupid...i dono hw to stand up...really lost..then recently after he told me these, i been trying to win back his heart... i buy dinner for him during he ot..he feel happy...but later ask me y i keep buy diner for him recently n say no need..  i even do a touching video putting all our photographs to touch him...then he told me we are still husband and wife after seeing the video...dono what that means..i think he is still thinking..

please help me...give me some advise...

so depressed and sad.. i know i can choose to be happy but yet i cannot control my heart thinking worst tings hapening..


I sense your deep pain, hurt and anguish; truly it is a great struggle having to lead a relationship of eight years - only to see this dream shatter into glass pieces seemingly overnight. It is only natural to be adamantly attached to the past and the length of the relationship, especially since the taste of marriage life is about to begin in your new matrimonial home.

It is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness.

It takes two to clap; surely your last effort in trying to salvage a relationship is an effortful feat to protect what’s left of your relationship, just remember that no amount of persuasion, influence or coercion could resurrect a man who has never loved you because you cannot lose something that never exist nor fix something that has never been there.

Our disappointment and sadness would naturally fall through tears upon this realization. I truly feel you.

***

He is contemplating because there are many factors to consider, many things to ‘lose’ and many systemic damage to minimize. In addition, it is likely that you do not have full information or reason for his decision. If he could lead eight years of a ‘loveless’ relationship, my curiosity would be ‘why now?’ Granted that there might be push factors (e.g. he doesn’t love you actually… not the one he is looking for, etc), but I believe there are also events happening, unconscious to you, which generate significant pull factor/s.

Love is not a gamble; we all take calculated risk. You married him because you love him and not because of chance: there are emotions, experiences, time and investment plough into the fields of love. It is not merely dice rolling, entirely at mercy of luck and chances.

Other than trying to win back the relationship, I suggest you might want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and know the ‘pull factors’ at work to understand the terrain of the battle you are fighting on. Only then, you could have better clarity of your relationship and decide what you could or should do about it.

Cheers