Originally posted by becalm:
It feels crazy as it sounds but it's what happening to me now. Thanks in advance for hearing me out.
Let's call my ex bf Dan and Jim, for this guy I've been thinking to go out with.
So after I broke up with Dan few years ago, I didn't let anyone else to enter my heart, until I met Jim.
I used to be deeply in love with Dan. He was everything I could ever wish for in a man. I was an introverted girl while Dan was the opposite but we matched each other almost perfectly probably because we loved each oher to every single bits. We never had enough of each other. But well we never know what are ahead of us. We couldn't be with each other in the end for some reasons.
I moved on having quite a good life despite the emptiness Dan left in my heart. Sometimes I still found myself thinking about him but just random thoughts with no extreme feelings. Then things have changed since the day Jim came into my life. I used to think I'd never truly fall for someone else again but Jim has changed both my heart and mind. Jim feels the same about me and wants us to go out. I should be feeling happy but instead, I'm reluctant to go on dates with him. I know it's not right but I started thinking a lot about Dan since I realized my heart already opened to Jim. I like Jim, really do but sometimes I think about Dan even more, especially after this incident with Jim that used to similarly happen between me and Dan. When it happened, Dan made me trust and love him more while Jim kind of made me disappointed due to his lack of thoughtfulness and maturity.
I'm quite confused now. On one hand, it feels so strong that I like Jim a lot and want to be with him. On the other hand, I want to hold myself back because I still think about Dan. I'm a devoted person, I don't want to think about Dan or any other guys when seeing Jim.
I wanted to be honest and let Jim know what has been bugging me and ask him to give me more time but I don't know how to go about it to not hurt his feeling.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Surely our mind produces whatever images we feed it; many a times, unconsciously.
You labeled yourself as devoted; however, there are two sides to a coin dualistically speaking. Devotion in this case is also a resistant towards a possible future. I can't tell how this future would be for you, but to you, having to adopt this picture would somewhat suggest that you would need to give up a once-important picture of the past. This is a trade-off you have refuse to relent thus far.
An opportunity cost my friend; the same dollar can't buy you two loaf of bread. You somehow figured that you can't keep two pictures of the same category in your world of relationship. However, reality is pushing you into making a choice - either which would produce painful perception of lost and uncertain future.
Until you have a committed decision to walk forward, you will always walk while looking backwards. The strain in your neck is basically the misery you are experiencing – nobody has the power to retain our emotional spirit in the past other than ourselves. You could tell Jim that you need time to work some things out yourself; if he is an enlightened male, then you would probably have some time. However, do not use time as an excuse to slip into escapism. You will face the same conundrum somewhere down your future again - with added misery.
P.S: Regardless of options, there is no way you cannot 'don't hurt him' - especially since he has fallen for you. In some degree of truth, you are only responsible for what you say to him and not responsible for what he understands.
Cheers
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