Originally posted by TheAddict:
Okay, this is my first time posting in the forums, sorry if its in the wrong session.
a little background info;
the guy is in his 30s and is currently going through a divorce. he has three kids and i'm young. he is an introvert and keeps thoughts to himself and he is a bit quiet until you loosen him up. he has very little friends, he is very logical and rational (i know all man are like this, but he is extremely logical). i know he is a nice guy, otherwise i wouldnt fall in love for a jerk. i am actually quite independant for my age but this guy really makes me go crazily in love with him. he is just my type, if you put it that way. he makes me clingy to him, but i resist the urge to text him all the time and keep our conversation short so as to give him space.
Well, he and i had a relationship for 3 months. everytime i spend time with him, i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him. okay, so i havent felt his love for 1 month, therefore, this week, i went to ask him about his feelings for me. it turns out my feelings were right, he doesnt love me anymore and he only loves me as a friend now.
at first i wasn't angry and was very very hurt. he kept apologizing and said that he needed time to sort things out and he asked me not to leave him and that he will try to find the feelings back. at first i was determined to leave him if he doesnt love me, because well, whats the point right? so i went mad and told him that he would actually grow old being lonely if he doesn't even want to give this relationship a try. he told me he isnt interested in a relationship right now because of all the things that he is going through (troubled and stress from the divorce). but as time grew, i find myself thinking of him every second and i cant sleep well and i just love him so much. i dont want to get over him, i want to get him back.
i told him about my feelings and try to get him to reminisce the good times that we have so that getting his feelings back for me would be easier. i told him that i still wants to be his girlfriend and he said he dont want to hurt me. he said 'okay we are still together, but we will not have sex okay?' so i agreed. i then told him that he has to promise me to at least try to have his feelings for me back. he didnt reply and 5 hours later, he asked 'what are you doing?' like i never said that..
before i slept last night, i texted him goodnight and that i love him. he changed topic before that, but the next message he sent included a 'love you'. i know he is fulfilling his duty as a 'boyfriend' but do you think that rekindling our love is possible? if i were to bring him to places that we first held hands and first kissed, does it matter? should i let go or keep trying, because im so in love with him? do you think he is still in love with me, but is afraid of having a commitment since he just got out of his marriage? do i ever have the chance to experience love from him again...?
i dont want to keep having these conversations with him that makes him say things that he doesn't want to say. please help me..
When we are in love, our executive thinking function partially shuts down. It is where our sense of reasoning and logical thinking lies. Thus when folks say 'love is blind' - it is somewhat true.
If you are truly 18-19 years old, then there would be certain elements or factors that you have deliberately downplayed to pursue the love you desire in a seemingly reasonable fashion. For a man in his 30s, he probably experienced a good deal of how love and relationship have been functioning in his life. In terms of social age, he is far beyond your level of mere companionship and relatively untainted feelings.
Other than his reason of 'having no feelings', he is likely to feel ambiguous about this relationship. Surely, part of his sexual and emotional needs are satisfied through you, however, it is a much greater hurdle to convince himself in reality that he (and you) is in for a real relationship after his wife exit the scene. Three children, financial obligation and negative perspective from external family and friends: these are very real issues he would have to deal with if he wants to upgrade a seemingly need-driven relationship into something more concrete.
You might want to figure out what exactly you are getting out of this relationship and what is stopping you from leaving. More often than not, these are intangible qualities, value or event that extends itself beyond just 'I love him.' Sometimes, falling for a much older man reflects the absence of close male figure/s in your early childhood environment. The possibilities are numerous; however, having some clarity would help you to sort out internally if this relationship as a whole (not just a selective part) is what you want and what you need.
Cheers
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