Originally posted by Hitakogi:
It all happen so suddenly, why does a gal heart change so fast?
she use to be very sweet towards me, she never fail to be there for me.
although we do have our different, our relationship was fine till she change her job.
I understand that Enviroment changes people, but i didnt realize it can
also change how a person feels and thinks about the realistic world.
She use to be a gal that wants to start a family with me, share my woes and happiness. After she change her job, her attitude changes towards me completely, she use to spend all her time with me, nowadays she rather spend more time on herself and her things rather on me. Altough she say she will marry me, we brought the ring, wedding package etc, but she dun wish to confirm me on the date.
Wat is she thinking?
I know its best to ask her, but what i get is "I dunno".
Ask her about our life after marriage,
She will say "dunno"
Ask her if she will be happy after our marriage,
she will say "dunno"
Is there a 3rd party?
I have no idea on this as she is in sales line,
After so many dunno, she ask me this "Will I ever leave her?"
if she dun bothers, why did she ask this?
She still spend her weekend with me, but the feelings is not the same as the past.
She tend to push me away and sometime dun even answer my call,
even if she answer my call, she will say, she call me back and hang up.
and its a call she will never return,
I could see alot of things and im not blind, but my feelings are blind
thru our years of relationship, I cant let go.
I understand if this continue, our life in marriage wont be happy and wont last.
but I was hoping after marriage, she will change.
Im in deep confusion, she dun allow me to walk into her life but she still say she will marry me.
Im in total lost...
Anyone can advise me?
You suffered from a classic problem in Love; the assumption and belief in the linear flow of Love as accordingly to the 'standard progression', in which a relationship will graduate into a marriage irrevocably.
Many couples talk about marriage - surely, when the relationship seemed to have progress beyond a year or two, such conversations are typical, especially when one has reached a 'marriageable age', as well as having other aspects of their life pretty much in control and stable (career, finance, etc).
However, these are but human speculation of what they think will happen - or more accurately put across: what they want it to happen.
Don't get me wrong; I am not suggesting that people shouldn't talk about marriage, but rather, our perception has been tuned to such a way that we are unable to accept any U-Turn policy that goes against this linear flow of thoughts.
Someone having the same set of problem asked me the same question before. I just told him this: 'Unlearn what you learn in Love previously and relearn everything again.'
He looked at me with this blank look, thinking that I was crazy or something.
I will tell you the same thing; however, in addition, I will explain why.
***
Love is freewill; true love cannot be forced upon by threat, violence, demand, anger, abuse, terror, fear, guilt or habit. If it does, the relationship will no doubt be intense and unfulfilling.
And you know what? This is but the very rudimentary understanding in Love - that we all must see the logic, in which Love is a choice and the choice made to stay in a relationship must be attributed to the individual's freewill. If not, misery will follow suit closely.
Therefore, what if your woman's choice is the desire to be 'out', despite wanting to be 'in' previously?
Would you still see the same rationale?
Chances are, you can't really answer me - because there will be fear in agreeing.
Love is never stagnant; like dough, it constantly remakes and renews itself. You believed that a change in environment brought about the change in her, thus the change in your relationship.
But the truth is that Love is an inside thing, not outside job.
If an environment could so effortlessly affect the Love in a person, it basically goes to suggest how enervated and languid this Love he or she claims to have. Or there might be litany of unspoken grievance or frustration felt within her, causing severe friction as it ran through her emotions for many years, unattended and uncommunicated.
Basically what I meant is that you know next to nothing about the sudden drip in your relationship. All these years, you probably assumed that you know what's going on, both inside and outside, and that everything is marching towards to the direction you have point out so prominently.
Your assumption in your relationship presumes that you are a loving couple.
Your assumption in your relationship presumes that she will always spend all her time on you.
Your assumption in your relationship presumes that she will always want to marry you. Never mind the future - her words will guarantee the future commitment as well.
Your assumption in your relationship presumes that you are the one for her. No one else has the prerogative to that.
Ironically, if your assumptions are all right - you won't be posting here.
That's probably the cusps of the problem; you think you knew your relationship, but it appeared more like a stranger to you when it blatantly placed right in front of your face and you suddenly realized you didn't recognise the shape, which you have always reckoned it to be your Love.
If you do not unblock this linear thought and relearn to love your relationship, like a child, all these assumptions will continue to widen, like the income disparity between the rich and poor in
You relearn by:
I) Eliminate your linear mindset - Quit pressuring her with this marriage thing. Quit thinking that this relationship is already years in making. Quit thinking that your have invested far too much. Quit thinking that you are unable to live without her. Quit thinking that Love is irrevocable.
II) Communicate with her, as if you have never spoken before. She must be comfortable to speak to you without fear and you have to find some means for her to be able to exude that level of frankness. Basically have a heart-to-heart talk. Minus guilt-pressuring. minus overly emotional speech, minus finger pointing.
III) Understand your relationship from her perception. Enquire from different angles and seek to understand the struggles, which are not transparent in your vision, which might have taken place beneath your nose. Learn to learn your relationship from an alternative perspective and not view it like the way you always do.
You can only move forward, if you have establish the fact that her decision is still a 'yes' to this relationship - it must not be a diplomatic yes, but straight from the bottom of her heart. Then you can seek to address whatever problem that is degenerating this relationship and remove the source.
But if it isn't the case, then you might want to ascertain how much damage has been done and if there's a possibility that you can rectify the problem and overcome it.
Cheers
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