Originally posted by Yuki~!:
Dear AA,
I'm 16 going on 17 this year and I've been attached to my bf for almost a year now
I think that he's no good for me but I just can't say no to him.
1. He distracts me from my studies
He doesn't really encourage me to study. Even when my very important O levels were nearing, we often quarrel because I wanted to study and he wouldn't let me because he didn't want to end our phone conversation. For that, my studies has gone down the drain. I just wish he could be a little more supportive. I hate to quarrel with him.
2. He constantly spends my money
He's always broke & always asking me to pay for things, saying that "Money is meant to be spent". He would plead with me to lend him money & I ALWAYS give it to him. & He almost never returns the money I lend him. I spent more than a $1000 on him last year.
3. He ABUSES me
He verbally abuses me. When we fight, he would scold me vulgarities (eg: calling me a f***ing b****) and humiliate me, if he got the chance. When I told him I want to break up with him, he would threaten me, saying that "he would make my life hell". He also threatened to tell my dirty secrets to the world.
4. He's ruining his own future
He's retained in Secondary 3 for the 2nd time this year. I, as a girlfriend, feel a little ashamed when my friends asks me why my boyfriend is 17 and still in school. He constantly skips school (& tells me to do so too, sometimes). I try to tuition him and wake him up every morning to make sure he goes to school but my efforts usually goes to waste when I get his report book. I mean, if he wants to marry me in the future (that's what he claims), how on earth can he support me?
5. He's violent & bad-tempered
I'm afraid to make him really, very angry. I mean, he gets angry over the most ridiculous things. There was this one time, during a fight, he pushed me & I fell backwards. I cried my eyes out but he didn't give a damn. Several times he used sharp objects to scare me so that I give in to our little argument, eg: Beer bottle & razor
I feel very lost as I really have a lot of feelings for this guy. But he really bullies me. In short, he is a delinquent & I know I have become one, too, under his influence. But I want to change because it's a new year & I want to go to Poly to start things fresh.
How can I say no to this guy who's still is Sec 3 this year & isn't at the same level of thinking as me? Is there any way I can turn him around? See the way I see things? I feel that if I break up with him, I'll regret because I love him a lot. He told me many times that he really loves me a lot. But why do I feel otherwise? Please help :(
This is classic conditioning in a karmic relationship - you are conditioned to his fear strategy as well as being imprisoned by your karmic debt to his cruelty and abuse. In normal circumstances, run-of-the-mill advice will probably not get to you because of this karmic bondage you shared with him. Therefore, I will give no advice, other than an analysis of your own plight, which I will mirror your inner self, in words, to my best effort.
I can tell you eventually, you will suffer emotionally until the day this karmic debt is cleared, before you are bestow the necessary clarity to leave this man. It's so blatantly, proven a million times in my studies of Love & Relationship, especially since you are still fledging in the aspects of Love.
Many would have probably talked about your stupidity in your choice to remain with this man, but somehow, that hardly change your decision. The reason why is because you are somehow conformed to perceive that an abusive is a 'norm' in Love. Your refusal to leave your desolated isle to experience a better life outside this hell is because you are subconsciously conditioned to this delusion that you will never find a better life than 'hell'.
But logically speaking, let me ask you: what are the chances to find a better place than hell? It is one hell of a high possibility! What can be more hell than hell itself?
You harbour on the possibility of changing him; let me tell you, you will never succeed because you are trying to change a man into another entirely different man. And ironically, the day when he change, trust me, you will never want him.
Illogical?
Because that's exactly the way karmic relationship and our cosmic lessons function. When you evolved a karmic relationship into a benign source, it will cease to exist because this negative link is shattered.
My best friend, in exact same scenario as yourself, stayed in a screwed relationship for five years. When she left him, this guy, end up coming back to beg her, tried to ask his parents to talk to her, promise to marry her, with not-so-screwed personality, etc.
But eventually he did nothing that could make her return.
Yes indeed a change man - something that she seeks years back. But because the karmic debt has been cleared - the bondage is broken. Even it was something that she wanted, eventually, it merely marked the end of the relationship because, this guy merely provides a cosmic lesson for her to understand that an abusive relationship is never a relationship - it's karmic by nature.
A woman like you prefers to believe in a known evil than an unknown evil.
There could also be other factors that worsen your situation. If you are the sort of woman that cannot survive without the structure of a BGR, you will accept an abusive relationship because being alone, to you, seemed to be a greater price to pay than being in an abusive relationship. So illogically speaking, somehow, the trade-off seemed 'better'.
What happens is that you will probably suffer until you implode one day. Nobody can or will do anything to alleviate your pain because this is the price you pay for your decision. First Law of CloUdiSm states: we all have the freewill to decide the partner we want to accept - when you abrogate your freewill to 'false destiny' and accept a partner of such calibre, then you will suffer the consequence of your action.
When you need a shoe, you buy a shoe. You don't purchase some leathers and attempt to make a usable shoe out of it. Therefore similarly, if you seek a good boyfriend, you don't go for a cannot-make-it version and tries to convert it into a good boyfriend - that never happens in love. I can assure you this.
An abusive partner stays abusive - until he becomes a shoe, he will always remain being some leathers.
But of course, if you are insisting to buy that piece of leather, no one can and will stop you. But when you eventually realise you cannot do anything with piece of inferior leather - you only have yourself to blame.
My best friend took five years to understand this - I wonder how long would it be for you.
Cheers
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