Because of Me

Reality hits me.

I can't even feel what I am feeling now; everything appeared to be a whirling maw of chaos.

Dad is going through a financial crisis - only to find a job recently to barely keep his breath over troubled water. He requested mum to redraw both me and my brother's FD to help him tide this period, although unknown to him, the money has already been drawn three years ago.

He was mad. Fiery mad. And have since stop speaking to mum.

Bro is in need of money - to pay for his KLPT and mum is too tight.

I agreed to lend him... four hundred. And I am left with nothing myself.

I am clearing leave this period; can't eat at cookhouse. Everyday's expenses is on me. My final army 'allowance' is only about 200+ (300+ minus 100 for insurence)

Brought wrong solution for Candy; she sounded extremely pissed and slammed the phone on me.

And on top of everything else, I am in dire need to buy working clothes for work this coming future.

...

Something stirs me whenever I see 三少 spending so easily with their money, in comparison to me when I even had to ponder so deeply whenever I patron the canteen. And when I succumb to my growling hunger and purchase an economical breakfast, it has to be such a way that it adds up no more than two dollars.

The consideration of a rare breakfast treat for myself would go something like this: 'Hmm, if I skip the wings, my opportunity cost would be an egg and a tua kwa. Ok, I think I would take the latter.'

From a meal... I had to bring up the notion of 'Opportunity Cost'. And it is just a fucking average brunch that nobody would bat an eyelid.

Mum always look to me for finance answer because dad couldn't keep up with the rising cost incurr by the family. It has always been this way since young. And when I was young, I was the kind of child that buy toys for himself... with my own money... all my life. It was Lego at first... then it became Magic Cards... and now... it became underground clothing label/s. Grew up having to be responsible for myself... and that of others, I shed my feathers of ignorance almost without consciously knowing. Bro turned to cigg at a young age and wouldn't bother to quit - wasting health and money over the years and whenever he is tight with the cashflow, I would usually lend him, regardless how reluctant/tight I am.

In the past, bro wouldn't even bother about having no cash and spent extravagantly/unwisely in which he even had to borrow money to foot for friend's birthday present. Those year, I was more stable financially, but those good years was over.

But mum and bro still look to me for an answer.

EVERYBODY IS TURNING TO ME FOR AN ANSWER. FAMILY, LOVE, LIFE AND WORK... EVERYONE! EVERYONE EXPECTED ME TO HAVE SOLUTION AT HAND... BECAUSE I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE AND WILL BE ABLE TO RISE TO THE OCCASION. NOBODY SEES HOW MUCH SACRIFICE I UNDERTAKE TO PAINFULLY PRODUCE SOLUTION.

NOBODY.

NOT EVEN A FUCKING SINGLE SOUL.

AND WHEN THINGS SCREWED UP, THE REPERCUSSION BEFALL ON ME.

BECAUSE OF ME!.... BECAUSE OF ME!... BECAUSE OF ME!...

IT SEEMED THAT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD AND THE WHOLE FUCKING NARCISSISTIC WORLD ONLY CARES ABOUT THEMSELVES.

Period.