Aunt Agony 100906

Originally posted by BliX:
Hi there, I've been reading your posts in Aunt Agony, and am quite impressed by the advice that you have given. I'm not sure if you give advice over private messages (not comfortable sharing it over the public domain), but I thought it would be worthwhile to give it a try. I'll keep it short.

I have a bf of 5+++ yrs. 3 years (2nd to 4th) of this relationship is carried out over long distance. He is studying overseas and myself working in Singapore. We're both in our mid-20s. During his overseas study, he ran into some problems. Apparently the support that I was giving him from Singapore is not sufficient. So he found an away gf. But the gf subsequently broke off with him, citing reasons that he is too busy for her. I found it only when I jokingly asked him after his graduation if he had another gf. His reply was kind of shifty. I sensed something wrong, continued probing and he told me the truth. I forgave him.

Then recently, I went overseas for secondment. During this period, I find it hard to even contact him. He does not call or sms or email me. Naturally I am very upset. We're both not the clingy kind. When I came back, I asked him why he disappeared. Is he too busy with his work? But he did not answer me. And as I was tired due to jet lag, I did not bother to question further. One week later, I still find it hard to contact him. There are many such cases which I think it's too long to elaborate. So I asked him if he has another gf. He did not deny and say that he will tell me more next time and that he will not break with me. (The same kind of shifty feel I get from his 1st stray) It's been 3 days and he still has not contacted me.

I's just worried now. I might be over-reacting. If he tells me it's really a gf, I do not know if I am able to trust him again. He's going to be furthering his studies overseas for another 4 years. I do not know if I can take any more of such heartbreaks. However, I care for this relationship a lot. I'm scared forgiving him will end myself up in experiencing more of such cases again. I'm confused. Do you have any advice as to how I should approach this if he tells me that he really has a gf? I'm kind of blank right now.

Thanks in advance.


I am not sure about the love he has for yourself, but to me, I don't really think he is even a suitable mate to fall in love in the first place.

He may be a nice guy and could probably fit your picture of a decent, ideal boyfriend, but he's the individualistic man - he has too much dreams and work to pursue, leaving him no time for Love. I am not saying that one shouldn't give up dreams for love, but somehow, it has become a different set of needs for him, which is somewhat parallel to yours and never seemed to fulfill them.

One could achieve their dreams while still allocating some spaces for love to complete them. Perhaps, to him, he is so used not having you around, that keeping in contact doesn't really matter to him. Could it be love as well? I don't know, but one thing for sure is that he seemed to be able to survive relatively well with or without you. And that's probably the same as the other overseas girlfriend.

He is the individualistic man my dear. And much as we would believe that your love would survive the oncoming LDR, should you even get married to him after he comes back, albeit the length of your relationship may be nine years, but the passion and spirit worth in this relationship probably amounts to only two years?

I dunno about you, but are you willing to gamble your youth, investing for a man who never seemed to have your time? And more importantly, are you willing to gamble for a marriage, with passion and spirit worth about 2/9 of the actual relationship?

If he stays in Singapore, of course, you could make-up/restore what you have missed out during those precious three years. It is still possible for the relationship to bloom. But if another LDR is coming, I think you need serious reconsideration.

We must always understand and believe that despite our love for our choices, some man are never meant or suitable to be a partner. We could sacrifice ourselves to risk it, but should you even (I) discovered that he has cheated on you while he was overseas, and (II) question yourself while resorting to seeking advices from external party - your faith in this relationship is badly shaken. I don't even think you would want to live in doubts and blind faith, fighting for a lost cause.

Perhaps it could be time for a serious talk. If he bends on going overseas, a mutual consented break up could do you two more good than harm. Of course, you can leave it open-ended: should he return back, single, and you the same as well after four years, then maybe he/you could attempt to re-woo you/him again, if that is what he/you desires. Of course, if either one of you have better choices, then move on. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

You can't be forever waiting for someone, like drifting endlessly in boundless ocean. You would have to dock somewhere eventually. When you are younger, like a verdant sailor who knows no fear, the young one doesn't worry about sailing in uncharted water. But as the sailor experienced the harsh squall and near-death experience from monster attacks during his journey, that is when the sailor would want to anchor his ship somewhere for security... and for an answer. You are like the sailor; decided that you had enough of this risky uncharted water. Perhaps you may now prefer to become a merchant instead, sailing safe trade route while making good profits for your effort to do so.

P.S: Decisions in life is never easy; but we still make them because we will grow from the decisions we make in life.

Cheers