Fight Alone

I wondered if I am getting cynical or just being binomial in my emotions

I am acquiring some form of natural immunity towards any variation of 'happy' stimuli - it seemed that many things that ought to make me happy (or I would generally think it should) don't really affect me in a very big way anymore. I am a natural positive person - but positive and happiness is two separate things.

Statistics just reminded me that in my life I fight alone. After all, I was left fending for myself in the past - and even in my worst state of abandonment, I overcame that.

I am a fighter; I never yield to circumstances. I merely change the terrain and continue fighting.

Aunt Agony 110211

Originally posted by Simple Annie:

My marriage has been a sad one.Hubby and I dun talk much. Was kind of an arranged marriage.We cannot divorce. We stayed married on as we have 2 small kids. Lately, I met my ex and we had a walk & talk. He is getting married .I felt happy for him and at the same time, I could not help thinking of those times we had loved each other deeply.I feel so envious and at the same time, I kind of miss his love for me. We did not marry then as he was 3 years younger and was not well-off enough.My family wanted me to be with my hubby then.

It is so sad to be in a loveless marriage. I wish I can die.



There will come a time where we cannot abnegate our power to make our own decision to external forces just because ‘it has always been this way.’ You are an adult – biologically old enough to have your own children. It would have been different if you were a child, but even a child suffers the consequences of his/her ignorant acts. Regardless of reasoning, the outcome of today's circumstance is but an effect of choice/s made.

You have your own rights to decide the life you want to live. As much as this is an arranged marriage, things manifest the way it did because part of your agreement to whatever decision that was made just unfold itself, like logical scenes in your ‘love story’ thus far (albeit not a happy one). For relationship is a voluntary arrangement between two people to come together in a union; a marriage merely legalize this deal.

There is a central perspective in your post, coupled with a number of what I call 'absolute thinking values'. I will address them individually below:

Central to your thoughts is likely to be as such: you seemed to believe that things are probably fixed. You are married. You have two children and probably seemed like a 'happy family' outside. Making any decision to possibly ruin this will immediate equate to an act of blasphemy or treason.

The absolute thinking values are:

i) We cannot divorce.

You are employing the same flow of logics once again and then I would causally ask why 'cannot?' Of course I know there are good reasons to remain status quo and I would have easily share the same thoughts - however in reality, regardless of what those reasons are, basically, what happens is that you have made an active commitment by opting for 'the choice to remain in the relationship' as compared to 'we cannot divorce'.

You might think that I am talking about the same thing, but it is actually not. I will explain in my next point:

ii) It is so sad to be in a loveless marriage.

It probably degenerated into a loveless marriage. Like a house, if we don't regularly clean it, dust will start accumulating and we all know too well what will happen shortly. You probably thought that this relationship first begins 'without romantic love' and hence it will surely lead to a loveless marriage. But I must say that it is part of your belief association that self prophesize into reality.

If you combine 'cannot divorce' with 'loveless marriage' - basically, it is sure ingredient for a miserable perspective. But eventually from (i), if you deemed that it is a choice that you choose to stay, then naturally you also have a choice to do something about your loveless marriage.

I am not advocating for a stay/bye bye position in your marriage - what I want to point out is that there is this shade of grey that you could look into - if you wished for a more fulfilling relationship. Certainly, you have already made your choice; turning your shoulders to see how far your past has been is definitely not helpful to you in a forward looking perspective.

P.S: I have contact for an upcoming marital workshop for couples 5 years or less into their matrimony. It is not conducted by me, but if you are interested, you can PM me for more information.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 080211

Originally posted by PurpleGiraffe:

I'm not sure whether I should even be serious with this forum. I shall just try my luck here and see what I can get.

I've broke up with my ex of 5 years. It's been 10 months. And feelings of guilt never really left me. Sometimes when I come across stuffs that he gave me, memories of us will start to come by and I'll start to tear.. Sometimes I really wonder the reason behind why I'm tearing. Was it because I'm starting to miss this person or was I feeling guilty? That after all these years of him treating me so well, I just have to leave him.

He was actually a very nice person to me. He paid attention to my needs. He took really good care of me. He bought presents for me, things that I couldn't really afford since I was then a student. He wasn't some rich kid either. His pay was meager, probably sufficient for his living expenses. Savings were just barely much. But he just wanted the best for me, he would get me gifts cause he knew that the gift would make me happy, no matter how much it costs. These only showed he's not a person who just showers you with presents, but also with whatever he can afford, he'll give the best to you. That's how nice he is. He treats his parents and friends well too. He's a filial son. His nature of work requires him to work long hours with little pay. Whichever job he chooses, he just wished that he could fork out the time to spend time with me after work.

But I still felt something's lacking between us.. Something called chemistry and the kind of emotional communication and engagement through verbal words. What's lacking between us is like we tend to attend to our physical needs but our emotional side of it seemed to have been neglected. Some of my emotional problems where how much I wished I could pour it to him, somehow weren't really well-received. I've tried to pour the kind of what I term as my emotional communication to him, but the responses I get from him could only be this much. I just wanted him to understand me more, understand how I'm feeling inside more. Why did it seem to be so hard? Maybe people might say that some people are just not good at words. I totally agree with it. But I really think communication between a couple is really important to sustain the relationship for the rest of our journey. This is something that was really lacking in that relationship and I really felt very terrible carrying on, with thoughts that I really wouldn't want

to be someone who doesn't really understand me in my heart. My emotional needs. I did try telling him the kind of emotional needs that I wanted.. But 5 years.. I just still didn't seem to get it from the relationship that I decided to end it. I really want to start my pursuit of my so called happyness.

Can someone tell me if I was wrong? I mean there's no turning back. I just want to clear what I'm really feeling inside.

Some of the money that I used to owe him, should I return it back to him? Or should I just let go and forget about it? Money to him is pointless already..? I don't know.


It seemed that you have come a long way before you call it quit. To execute such a decision wouldn't be easy for anyone in your shoes and it must have been a struggle internally.

You said he attended to your needs - but somehow I sense slight discrepancy in your post: perhaps in reality, what he has fulfilled are merely 'less qualitative' needs that may be important, but not essentially critical. It seemed to me that you have a deeper need that remained unsettled and he doesn't appear to understand how to go about addressing it.

Since you have already moved along, here are some questions for you to ponder over:

i) What exactly constitute your emotional needs? Would you be able to describe what exactly are you looking for, instead of lumping everything under the category of 'emotional needs'?

ii) You pinpointed the singular cause of the failed attempt to understand your emotional needs to the lack of mutually communication. What exactly caused this lack of communication? Was the relationship like that when you first started out?

iii) What is the symbolic representation in the act of returning him money? What does the act mean to you?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 300111 (continued from AA 290111)

Originally posted by Naive Bayes:

What you say does make sense..I am gaining perspectives, but I am still kind of stucked in that position. Though I understand that only I can really heal the emotional wounds inside, I am not very sure of the methodologies to cope with it. Perhaps, you could elaborate or give some suggestions on how I can deal with the internal festering wounds?

Sometimes I feel that it is more of gaining acceptence of myself and trying to forgive myself, rather than to get the person to forgive me. There were also times where I was afraid that there is an underlying latent issue at the back of my head that is much more serious.Sometimes, it could just be a case in which I simply think too much.

So have I created an illusion that has been fooling my own emotions all this while? If that is the case, how can I get my own subconcience to accept it all.

I would like to break out of this, and share my experience with everyone else. There are many people like me, who couldn't let go and I would hope that my analysis of myself through here could give pointers to the rest of the world out there.

To angel: Thanks to you too. Your sense of humour does raise my spirits indirectly.



Recently, I have a number of cases who asked me the same question - it is all good when we give ourselves rational reasons why we should/need to move on. It's all good really; just that the problem arises only when our emotions fail to move as fast as our mind and creates a discrepancy within that revealed a huge distance gap that caused this inconsistency.

Think about your emotion as the speed of driving a truck and your mind as a sports car. Sometimes, the more we push our mind to 'get over and done with it' - it resulted in a severe backlash and we relapse constantly because both entities are basically travelling at two extreme speed and there is minimum effort in reconciling. Ultimately, both entities belong to one body, so like it or not, you got to deal with it.

Humans are ritualistic creatures - meaning, we sometimes seek to exhibit irrational actions or behaviours in enabling us for a closure or putting an end to a particular chapter in our life. It is quite evitable that you have yet to come in terms with the way the circumstances has turn out for you, thus understanding what it takes to bring you to your eventual destination is pretty much critical for you to move along.

There is a reason why I coin this as a 'ritual' because ritual are purely human construct to symbolize certain experience. For example, we perform funeral rites for people who are dead - it acts as a form of closure. Obviously from a scientific point of view, when a person's biological body fails to function, the person is already dead. The funeral, from a pure scientific view, is a redundant act because the 'end' has already ended.

Hence, what sort of 'ritual' do you need to perform before the chapter can begin to close gradually? You said self forgiveness - so what needs to happen before self forgiveness can take place? If it means doing 'seeming' stupid things like 'needing to say what you need to say to her' - contrary to popular belief, I would say just do it if you know it brings about this effect, which is closer to your goal of achieving self closure.

Take it easy when you approach the subject of recovery because the pace of healing is truly relative. It's normal to falter randomly during recovery period - after all, these experiences are there to let us learn something about love, so that we can grow as a person.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 290111

Originally posted by Naive Bayes:

I have been lurking around for some time here, and I have an issue that has been bugging me for almost a year. I do not have anybody close enough that I can relate to, so I guess this is the next best place to voice my emotions.

I killed a friendship I had with a lady a year back. This lady was really somebody I truely treasured, but I killed the friendship because I had unwittingly fell in love with her and said things that should have been left unspoken. As a result, she wasn't too pleased with me, and I have been avoided ever since.

I know that the correct thing for me to do is to move on. I have tried to convince myself that all I am feeling, was just an obsession and not true love. I have tried to push my thoughts away by focusing on my work and trying to participate in activities with other friends. When I am busy, I would not reminiscence about the past and I would try to keep to a cheerful facade. But sometimes, at night, when I am lying down in my bed, these thoughts would come creeping towards me and I would be burdened by regrets of the things I did in the past.

I believe in freewill, that I have no control about what other people feel about me. I can't force a person to come back to me nor can I control anyone's action. I also believe that there is no point crying about spilt milk. But despite all the rules and safe guards I have placed in my life, I turned myself into a victim of my own emotions. Here I am, crying about spilt milk that has probably turned sour by now.

I have thought that time heals all wounds. Sometimes it does, but sometimes the wound seems to reopen again. For a period of time, I felt great. But suddenly, my mind is bleeding again.

I am not asking for any help, probably just a listening ear. I have enough I keeping this to myself, and I am trying to let this post be an avenue to purge out this negative emotions.

Thanks for reading.



It must have been a painful decision - to 'straighten up' an ambivalent situation with an absolute decision. Perhaps it wasn't the best decision you have given to yourself, but ultimately, the ego was probably so badly damaged that at that point of time that it might be the only maneuver you could attempt to exercise.

It would be easier on your emotion if you could learn to release yourself from the positioning your decision with morality - namely, a 'good' or 'bad' move. Logically, you tried to reason out with yourself as you figured that it wasn't the outcome you envisioned and tried to adopt a philosophy that best adapt to this outcome. I am not saying that this is bad coping (we all have different ways to cope with negative outcome), just that the cause of why old wounds are reopening again is because you attended to your wounds superficially by pasting plasters all over your injuries, while your real core festers insidiously within.

What's rotting inside cuts and split the flesh apart, reeking emotional tunes of your wistful past.

You have not reached to an acceptance stage, although you experienced a shift in momentum; this is akin to you standing at the same position, merely turning your direction from east to west. Yes you get to see new things, but you are in the same spot - all the time actually. You turn from west to north; same stuff.

Perhaps a good question you might want to ask yourself "what could you do to help you move towards the stage of acceptance?"

Cheers

Aunt Agony 180111

Originally posted by Yingjunmingz:

okay, i have a gf for 1 1/2 years now. and from the start until now, she have never treated me nice or right.But in the past i usually tolerated it, for i love her alot and i believe deep down she loves me too, but now, im emotionally drained.

In the beginning, while she was with me, she kept thinking of her ex-bf and need him to stay by her side like SMS her meet her often etc. to the extend of sending him i miss you so much kinda msges. At those times i wanted to leave, but she kept holding me back, saying she need me as well. We quarreled and fought over this but in the end, she gave him up, in that romantic kind of way. but they are neutral friends now.

After that issue, i thought everything was going to be fine but it was just the beginning. As we grew closer, her true colours came out. She would attitude me or not respond to me talking to her for absolutely no reason or for minor reasons like for eg. me giving her the wrong color of the towels or if i cant hear what she is saying cause sometimes she talks really dam soft. We have occasional quarrels over this and the cycle always goes like this. She starts throwing tantrum > me Confronting her > She throws even bigger longer tantrums > until i have to apologize and wait for 3-7days til she cools down.

Then, she got a part time job at the same company as me, but different working locations. Every morning, she would throw tantrum and give attitude because i am not ready preparing, or prepare slower than her every morning (She lives with me). and the reason she gives is I didnt pack her bag for her, or she is tired sleepy. Until i had enough, i started feeling numb and not giving a dam. but she noticed my change, i really wanted a clean break but she kept threatening me with suicide and stuff like that and kept forcing me to take off to accompany her but i really cant.until i quitted my job as i cannot take the pressure.

After that incident, feeling guilty of the way i treated her during the phase in the above paragraph, i treated her even better than i used to, and no confrontation nothing if she starts her nonsense. i just 'bao rong' embrace her. And she had never done anything for me before, even if i ask her to pass me a tissue something like that. this continued until recently.

Today. For the past week she've been throwing tantrums in the morning, like that period of time she went to work (now shes studying) and throwing tantrums after school for being tired. i really cant take this anymore. until a few days ago, i couldnt take off on her off day(from private school), she started contacting her another ex-bf whom they had a physical r/s with. meaning just sexual. I couldnt take it. As i do not have any evidence, (she would say, we are just friends what now.) i cant say anything, but because of me not being able to accompany her for one day. she have to do this to me. Dear forummers, what should i do????


SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLS...question lies with the choice itself


You have intense vested interest in this relationship and certain 'profit & lost' perspective kinda reduced your consideration in deciding to walk out of the relationship. Surely it's natural to feel or demand ROI for all the 'love equity' we have invested in, but sometimes love is not just about time, effort, money or sacrifices (though these are important qualities).

I will brutely honest: as much as you have painted yourself an exiguous picture of a victim suppressed by his gf - there are also significant returns you are getting out of this - a 'familiar' relationship of 20 months living together and probably regular sex. Seemed like you are experiencing poignant frustration and your so called 'sacrifices' are somewhat 'a bad trade off', which you probably find that this deal might be 'overvalued' and you paying more than the initial forecast.

Therefore, even subjected to overwhelming trivial nonsenses hurled by her, or greater issues with her ex, you quietly accept the outcome (although not without protest or reluctancy).

Blatantly, you are not happy in this relationship. But you accepted anyway.

Her series of tests are not random; these are exhibited because the men before you largely conditioned her to believe that it is her prerogative to behave as such; in simple, she is 'rewarded' in some ways for displaying bad attitude and reinforced by unconscious habit and personality - changing that might be akin to moving mountains. You can start by taking away small stones, but chances are, you might have died of heatstroke before you can witness transformation.

You have to decide if this is an issue with compatibility or you are simply staying put because of habitual reasoning. Only then, you will know what you want to do about it and figure out your plans on how to go about executing it.

Cheers

Feeling Unworthy?

I would think that today's dialogue has come to some interesting (though not surprising) conclusion, which I would like share:

Nobody can make us feel unworthy unless we give them to permission to do so.

I would think that it is only normal for one to feel extremely screwed up after a break up and honestly, the 'natural' direction our thoughts would automatically lead us is usually the point about us probably being 'fucked up', hence the 'punishment' of being ditched or cheated on is 'acceptable', especially if the separation was initiated by the other person or if he/she cheated on you with someone else.

This inward directed self blame does insane amount of damage to ourselves because we fail to comprehend the reason for the perishment, thus resorting to us thinking that we must be unlovable. CloUdiSm would have think that the end of our cosmic lessons in love naturally brings about the death of the relationship, which is slightly different from the fatalistic perspective because there is a accounted reason/s and not conceding to the rationale of 'what will be, will be'.

When there is no more life, naturally there will be no more breath. Life is an essence, not something that you can 'see' or capture it in a bottle. Yet it is critical, in some ways, that keeps our mortality 'alive'. Thus in my framework, cosmic lesson represent the life that maintains the relationship and when you complete them, it dies and leaves behind a tale we termed as memories.

Some changes are critical for our own growth and may seemed to be negative as first, but take comfort in the fact that the darker the night, the brighter the dawn.

Sometimes we need to lose first, in order to win.

Go with the Flow

We don't win every battle in life. Sometimes it is just the way it is - not to delegate the responsibility to external locus of control by chance, but sometimes, you just don't have the macro advantage to get to where you want to go and micro advantages may not have enough firepower to push through.

Someone mention about taking a break - I think it makes greater sense to me right now. I really need a break from all this shit because I have never stopped trying to restore my original functioning level by sheer brute strength. And trying to move against the tide is way too ineffective.

Geri spoke about the flow. I know what she meant.

I have lost a large component of my own identity that perished with the ship that sunk, with the last burning memory of having to witness my co-sailor escaping the doomed ship by a speed boat to another ship.

My co-sailor had a contingency plan. I never - I had no alternative route. I died when the ship gets swallowed by the sea. I couldn't swim. Death was inevitable.

I need to find back this divine soul that was lost. I shall devote the entire 2011 to do just that.

Yunhaier - you will need to find yourself back.

Aunt Agony 271110

Originally posted by rouko:

I am with her for 3 years already and she thinks we will get married. But after this relationship with her I found out that I’m gay and I’m very sure now. She is a stunning beauty but I can’t seem to get on bed with her each time she suggests we do it I tried but I have little feeling compared to when I fantasize about guys. I still love my gf but I feel it’s not fair to lead her on since I am sure of my sexual orientation now. How should I tell her this?


Certainly, it must have been a shocking to any partner on the receiving end for such devastating news. For a gay person to engage in a heterosexual relationship is actually quite common as the revelation will sink in after they realized that they are not sexually attracted to their partner, which will spark a reflective, introspection journey that end up with your kind of conclusion.

I think your relationship with her will eventually deplete its meaning because this new found knowledge about yourself will make this equation an error, serving nobody's needs.

Telling her honestly will likely to be met with denial and bitterness. You must anticipate that pain is inevitable - it depends on how swift the cut you want to deliver, instead of dragging this doom relationship further into some illusion of grandeur.

Cheers

Philosophy and Love

Philosophy in love? Can eat or not?

Though there are many school of thoughts (and much as you may not be consciously thinking about such things, we all have our own philosophy in Love) and philosophically speaking, I would think that most people generally fall under these two main categories - in terms of perspective (ignoring the others for now). They are:

Monism and Dualism.

I kind of figured that people are daunted by words that sounded deep, but essentially, words are merely our way of expressing ideas into something intelligible that could be understood mutually by someone else. And many times, people don't realized that a significant part of their behaviors and way of processing thoughts about their relationship are actually fueled by their own fundamental philosophy in love, which actually give rise to certain phenomenon and circumstances unique to them and their love life.


Monism
the monist subscribe to the philosophy that love means two-becoming-one. Essentially, they see that when you have a relationship, both parties blend into the relationship and become one entity. There is no distinctive separation between the man and the woman for both has to sacrifice individualism (or change) to keep the relationship alive. Conflict occurs because of the 'push-pull' effect - due to the lack of understanding and compromising - which affect the harmony of the relationship. The relationship is the highest good. Some manifest effect of such belief is probably the thinking that couple should always spend their time together or the extreme devastation of severing this 'entity' when a breakup occur.

Dualism
The dualist believes that relationship is two-coming-together. Man and woman are made differently and maintain that love is but two willing separate strangers coming together to form a relationship. Conflicts arise because Man are from Mars and Woman from Venus. Ideally, working through conflicts involves compromising, which is the key in maintaining relationship without losing individualism. Dualist maintain that it is important to keep personal self strong and our personality is the highest good. Some manifest effect could probably fall under the thinking that platonic friendship between ex-lovers are possible or differences in personality actually complements the relationship.

At the end of the day, our own philosophy in love does evolve from experience and oscillate between these two main school of thoughts, depending on the development of our love journey. However, these two perspectives are still generally one-sided and does not provide adequate coverage to the complexity of a relationship and how it could positively grow beyond its limits. Therefore, they must be some middle way to these two extreme.

Therefore CloUdism adopts a nondualism perspective.

Nondualism
The Nondualist believes that the relationship is a result of the combination of both parties, yet maintaining that these two people are distinctively different. Relationship to a nondualist is two-but-not-two. Nondualist maintain individualism, yet eradicates malicious habits as a result of individualism that is harmful for the relationship. The nondualist maintain trust, yet care enough to keep close to the relationship. Conflict arises because both individuals and relationship are not maintaining nondualistic perspective and suffer from issues of the either extreme. Both the relationship and our personality shared the same level of good. Manifest effect of such thinking probably influence the belief that a supportive relationship is crucial (overlapping of social/gender roles) or to respect an individual's past and work towards a common future.

Eureka!

I think it's totally crazy; am suppose to be working on my assignments but I ended up studying Buddhism because I have to do some sharing soon. Now I had to blog this post because I am totally amazed at how profound the philosophy of Buddhism is - I think this realization is Eureka!

Non-dogmatic alignment with reason, logic and science - that belief is true belief, subjected nothing to blind faith.

I think I have just widen my perspective by a huge width.

Aunt Agony 131010

Originally posted by Pritzzi07:

I'm a 30 y-o unmarried man. The problem is i'm in love with a woman same age as me who is working as a night club hostess and part time prostitute. I want to marry her but I know my family and friends will not accept this and i don't know what to do.

I first me met her during a night out with a group of my friends at the nightclub she works in. It was the first and only time i have visited a night club. She kept me company there and we had a good chat. I fell for her after that night and could not forget her. She followed me and my friends to one of my friend's house that night and 2 of my friends paid to have sex with her there. I refused to do the same. Both of them paid to have sex with her again several times more after that night. I kept in touch with her after that night though phones and finally, 2 months after that i asked her out for the first time. She said yes, and we have been going out regularly for dates for 3 months now.

I haven't really express my feeling to her yet although i told her i enjoy going out with her very much.

What should i do? Any advice?



With almost one decade of being around in AA, cases such as this do crop up from time to time. I have always challenge the poster to come back and share their success stories with maybe a PM or a topic post.

None ever came back.

***

Both of you are living in two different dimensions and have two separate developmental needs. You being the unmarried bachelor is hoping to fall in love, date and marry the woman you love. She is one woman working to pay her bills and fuel her current standard of living. Her encounter with you is merely a business transaction, eloquently said by ditzy.

Despite heeding to your moral intention of not having to pay her for sex, that does not mean that her dealing with you does not stem out of a business transaction. On one hand your simple minded perspective just want to love her for love sake, on the other hand, it is highly probable that she actually perceive you as a 'lucrative' business deal that could rake in much more than 'per-session' deal.

Surely a woman, regardless how slattern, is entitled to their pursue of love. However, the astrological causal connection towards how the man first begin the relationship with these ladies is all too familiar: the classic Neptune-afflicted relationship, thrown with a couple of karmic strings attached to it. It would be worst if your profile somewhat belong to either one/more of the following:

1. You do not have any meaningful relationship before OR isn't in a meaningful relationship for a long period of time.

2. You do not receive much positive responses from ladies in a romantic sense. You have encountered multiple rejection/failed chase process towards forming meaningful relationships.

3. Your life has history of being involved in/as (i) third party, (ii) sub-rosa relationship, (iii) elicit relationship.

P.S: Not all presenting choices are benign. Some existed because these are karmic landmines to get us into deep shit. You have been warned.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 091010

Originally posted by Doom995:

A few days ago, i was out with my camp mates dinner gathering. One of my sissy camp mates just show my gf and i pictures for everyone to laught. I know what they are laughing at. Because my gf is quite fat. I can’t stand that humiliation towards my gf…i was so fucking angry on that time till now. I already show my fucking attitude to all of them after they laught. But even they say sorry,pai seh and what ever, but i don’t think i will meet them anymore…this is not the first time already if this happen again i think i will fucking puch them hit them one by one..i really endure very long and i can’t take it anymore. Come on tell me what to do kick all of their ass?



You are affected because you perceived that they are being rude to your girlfriend. On the surface that appears to be the case, but part of that ruffled emotion is attributed to the fact that you subtly conceded to their perspective, hence the anger.

If you violently react on your part, what happen is that you subconsciously acknowledge their fact and you made that matter to you. The truth is that we cannot cease people from bitching about us (or our partner) and your role as a boyfriend is not to convince the world that your woman is beautiful to them, but rather, it's beautiful because you love her for who she is.

P.S: There is a niche is every market - it doesn't matter which partner you choose for as long as you like what you have. Some guys like girls who are on the meaty/fleshy side and if they are comfortable, seriously, why give a damn?

Cheers

RIP - Mdm Kwa Geok Choo

I think Lao Lee must have been devastated - although I may not agree with some of his political views, but I must say that I truly respect the way he develops his relationship with her. It is the same model which I envisioned as an ideal for myself - that a relationship isn't just companionship, but more importantly, a partnership towards towards a cause they both believe in.

The demise of Mrs Lee of taught me something important - that really, behind every successful man is a woman. And when she was physically fallen, Lao Lee not only took care of her, but also read to her two hours every day. It's not about the act that makes him faithful or a sentimental lover, but rather, the gratitude towards his wife who have supported him when he was a nobody and now in return, he took care of her, is genuine love - a bona fide love that rise above the test of time. If he was a narcissistic lover, then he would only be interested in receiving but not giving.

The act of giving, this altruistic part of a human quality, can be define as a virtue that divide us between the realm of human and beast. Love can really bring out this altruistic part of us and express them in the most beautiful manner ever.

Their relationship reinforce my personal stand - that if I were to marry someone who is unable to support my ideals, then it is better than I remain single. To have an exclusive companion is good, but companionship can be found easily. A relationship that builds solely only companionship, dinner dates and movie partner will hit a ceiling soon enough.

Like Lao Lee - if I am going to have a relationship of 63 years, then the relationship needs something greater to sustain it because there is only so many places you can eat, so many movies you can watch and so many countries you can visit.

I am comforted by the fact my thoughts are not utopia, but are possible and the right way forward.

RIP.

Security or Love?

Interestingly I have been called an idealist when I thought it was basically fundamental. Perhaps, my definition of what's fundamental might be classified as idealistic, but I would still stick to my guns on this.

The folkways effect on being single in modern Singapore is quite apparent. There seemed to be somewhat a pressure on getting people hitched, especially if you are on the road to be of a 'marriageable age'. Somewhat socially, we are conformed to believe that we must be attached in order to achieve some sort of stability, so as to ensure certain level of self worth and certainty that we are loved and wanted. This is especially pronounced in that of a woman than a man, but it affects both ways equally.

Ironically, the concept of 'single' equates to 'being alone' or 'unwanted', instead of enjoying life while actively looking out for someone who could complement you. What happens in reality is that people choose existing pool of potentials from their social circle and often decide upon mates that don't exactly fit very well. These are what I call the 2nd/3rd order partners, which serve as a function to negate the perspective of being 'unwanted' to 'wanted' - but deep within their subconscious, they don't exactly love their chosen partner/s in a deeper sense, other than the need to appease this insecurity.

It wouldn't surprise me that a significant number of woman end up marrying for security and not for love. It doesn't matter whether they are dissatisfied or unhappy, because at the end of the day, they are still 'wanted' and being alone or seen to be alone is a devil greater than being in a unhappy/dissatisfied relationship.

Which is why one out of every three marriage will end up in divorce. It is not because the love wasn't strong - it is because the fundamentals is already wrong in the first place.

P.S: The teleology in love can be so profound insofar that they cannot be understood merely by the context of the love in which they express through the interaction of the relationship. Sometimes, we need to deal with our own fear of loneliness, so that we are able to lead the relationship in a less suppressive manner.

Aunt Agony 310810

Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:

I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.

I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.

I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.

After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).

I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).

But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.

I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.

I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?

he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.

is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?




A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't.

Pretty much a fantasy constructed entirely from your mind; as you have mentioned, most of your communication with him is within this virtual space, hence it's easy to say that this man could have been part of your marriage plan if 'he' were to do something in the past. I am not concerned about who makes a better fit (between your husband or the other guy), but rather, to use ideas of what you think the relationship would be like from a hypothetical point of view can be very different from the reality of being together with him.

Honestly, there is serious dissatisfaction in your marriage and this is something that is creating powerful push factor/s to rethink into your marriage. This man conveniently served as a tool of escapism, where the line between what's real and unreal becomes blur. Surely circumstances would have led you to where you are now and there are higher reasons why circumstances are manipulated into what they are and these are not easily comprehended by our finite mind.

Loneliness is common manifestation of a dissatisfied relationship and if you find yourself having to retrace your decision (although not entirely acting on it just yet), it probably suggest the perilous state of health your relationship is at. If you perceived that this 'other man' requires a greater status other than just being a man 'you could have, but didn't', this is probably where your complication really begins.

Seemed like the previous attempts of mending the relationship wasn't exactly fruitful. There is still much underlying current of intensive emotions hidden at the back of your subconscious. It would truly be fallacious if people believe that marriage will dissolve all existing problem in their BGR relationship - e.g, your illicit relationship with the other man. The truth is that it merely burrows itself into our subconscious, waiting for opportunity to screw our mind and heart once again because we fail to recognise the crux of issue.

It is a common phenomenon for people who are unavailable/unable to commit to find someone likewise because there appear to be 'safety' in 'playing around' with people who are unavailable as it socially 'restrain' us from transgressing. But the problem is that if we don't recognise them as part of our mechanism to prevent ourselves from falling deeper, but instead, push the boundary beyond what it should have been, then it is possible to burn down the relationship.

Although you might have cemented the relationship before marriage, cracks are surfacing. From a longer term perspective, I think it might be helpful for you not to look externally for answers (e.g the other man), but instead, introspect inwardly to see if this marriage and love with your husband is something that you genuinely want. Only then, would you be able to build your decision from that point onwards and see how you could safeguard this marriage from the role of a wife.

P.S: Elbows are close to our heart, but most of us are not physically able to kiss our elbows. Sometimes in love, some people are just not meant to be - we will probably break a bone or two if we force it through.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 240810

Originally posted by pokka77:

i am puzzle and vex for i am not sure if i should confess my past relationship to my boyfriend-to-be. (Meaning we could be together anytime

i am worry sick of disclosing my past relationship to him as i am worry he might think otherwise.

I am involve with a married man years ago (got into this shit cause i was pretty young then and didn't know he was married after knowing and talk things out as he wasn't able to get a divorce so we actually broke off but keeping each other as companion all these years (6yrs).

I am not sure if i should tell him. He has been telling me not all man can take the truth but he would prefer his gf to tell him rather then him find out bits by bits.

For me i am pressured, coz in my previous relationship i met with the same issue. and confession till us to quarrel, jealousy and broke off. My Ex BF could handle the stress of my past.

What should i do ? Humhh



The processing of your guilt does not diminish even with the act of confessing to your current beau about your past. The act of forgiveness and embracement of your past starts with yourself and it is not something that somebody can give to you.

What I am hearing is that your decision of keeping each other as a companion is probably akin to lead a non-committed relationship for six years. This unwise decision, although you have probably rationalized that you are free to date whoever you want, in reality, has actually shackle you in some sense. It is indeed a paradox when it appears that you seem to have freedom, but subconsciously, you are still somewhat tied on a deeper spiritual sense (likely a Saturn-influence relationship fueling a karmic relationship), therefore, how you brand this relationship is not exactly important (companion, best friend, FB, etc).

Perhaps you are tired in your arrangement with this married man - merely drifting, with no exact destination to land. Your experience has taught you that revealing your past will likely to bring about adverse consequence to your current relationship with minimal benefits. Hence, I do not see a point for you to go about relating what has happened in the past when you ought to be focusing on building a new future with your new beau.

The reason why you failed in your previous relationship is not so much about you having to share your past with your ex-bf; but rather, it's about your unnecessary inclusion of him into the picture of your not-so-glorious past, where there is nothing you or he could do to alter them. Failing to invest in the present and look forward will inevitably force you to turn your shoulder over and quarrel about an illusionary past that produce illusionary premises for quarrels. And when the false premises are regarded as real, the death of the relationship will also real - even if it could be the most promising relationship ever.

You can't have the best of both worlds. If you want to walk about from your past, you have to sever bonds with that married man (something which you ought to have done six years ago). If you feel that you need a companionship to serve as a backup, then you will always run into the problem of being haunted by issues of the past.

Start afresh comes with determination and wisdom to steer in the right direction. To drive faster in the wrong direction will only make you crash faster... in more fatal manner.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 140816

Originally posted by: gigabyte14

guys, i made a terrible mistake...

its like i made a girl really sad, and cried too

its like im afraid of commitments, like i will automatically think far, and its like emotions will get the better of me in future... imagine, imagine i wanna go overseas study, or work, and in the end because of emotional ties i will be like choose everything other than my happiness

summore recently the ppl ard me are like divorce and breakup, it makes me think that everything can be so unpredictable, it freaks me out

religion clashes too, i know it wont affect me now, but in the future it'll definitely affect

shes happy, but im not, im just not the kind of commitment kinda person, and i just... made her cry

its like better to end the smaller picture in order to make the bigger picture work

am i doing the right thing?



Honestly, if you would to relook at what you have typed, your fear of commitment has pervades every single mote of your thoughts and rationalized them into some 'linear causal fashion' as if life indeed runs in some orderly manner. Added with tint of non-related deduction like social observation from people's failing relationship is kinda bull as well.

I find it absurd whenever people say things like 'everyone's relationship around me is failing' and they use it as a factor (no matter how minute) to deter them from engaging in possible meaningful relationship. It's almost like a gambler's fallacy, when you made use of factors that makes no sense to unique situations because every set of game is different - just like every possible combination of relationship in any given time is vastly different.

In US alone, one car-accident-related death is accounted for every passing 13 minutes. If we use the world statistic, it would probably be insane. So does that means that we don't walk the street or drive any cars because a number of people around us are dead because of car accident?

It doesn't matter what decision you make because the point of my post does not address the morality of your decision, which it is absolutely insubstantial to me. What is of a concern is how your conceptualize your reasoning which give rise to your final decision.

From what I am seeing, religious conflict is the only real issue. Well, perhaps you might want to be brutally honest with yourself on what's the real shit that isn't really workable here and avoid dumping unnecessary components in your reasoning to 'beef up' your justification - more quantity does not mean more reasonable.

Are you willing to compromise in the framework of a relationship or you prefer to pursue your individualistic goals? It does not necessarily be an either or, but in your own private scaling, how much are you willing to relent towards the other side of the scale that isn't part of your grand plan? Many times, there are middle grounds that we could tread, not just caught between a rock and a hard place.

Learn to remove 'rightness' and 'wrongness' in any decision. Decisions are neutral. There are only wise and unwise choices. Willing or unwilling choices. If you cannot determine what is wise and unwise, then you decide what you are willing or unwilling to undertake.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 070810

Originally posted by ulquiorra87

I'm facing a dilemma, I'm Travelling ALOT right now, and while all that travelling gives me valueable insight and learning experience, it is also my bane, i am at 23 and i don't have a steady girlfriend cause of this. While i sometimes enjoy the different stuffs i do, i sometimes feel sooo soo lonely on the inside, and i know i cant find a girlfriend yet because i know i will move again and the relationship will surely end. SOmetimes i feel so happy but i have no one i can truly share it with, sometimes i feel demoralized but there is no one i can confide in. I dont like this feeling.. And i'd like to find a singaporean girlfriend but i wont be back in SG for the next many years.. Unless i stop my overseas job after i graduate and slack off in SG to find my soulmate..

So this is a choice between finding my soulmate or advancing in my career quickly.. And frankly i am 50/50 on this. What do you guys think?



It's quite difficult to have your cake and eat it. In reality, relationship do creates certain structures; despite how individualistic we are with regards to our life and perspective, it do somewhat condition us to try 'fit' into this structure. The more individualistically adamant your ideals are, the more challenges it is to squeeze them into the framework of a relationship.

It is not that a relationship is detrimental to our individual ideals, but rather, it is part of a greater understanding to promote the beauty of understanding, compromising and acceptance. Surely, if the structure of the relationship constricts certain things in life, something has to sacrifice a little. Sometimes in life, it's difficult to have the best of both worlds.

Also, soul mate doesn't just appear just because you decide to stay in sg and 'slack'.

You can only decide what is important to you right now at this stage to make reasonably calculated choice/s for yourself - look at the opportunities you own now and decide what you want to do with them. And not plan with things that has not manifest itself just yet.

Then your thoughts should be clearer.

Cheers

Job Satisfaction

Today, I truly experienced what it is like to have job satisfaction.

It is nothing like I had experienced before.

The strong sense of purpose and knowing what you are doing and where does it leads to is insanely important.

Without those components, we are just mondays-dreader waiting for friday-after-6pm.

Final Post

This would be my final post on my relationship with her.

I think life is mystically interesting - going by Carl Jung concept of Synchronicity, I can see that happening in my reality: the little subtle 'support' bar for me to pick myself up always materialize mystically every time when I needed that little push for me to bounce back - each time higher than the previous.

I think because life has detected several pieces of broken glasses in me and easily trampled by the overwhelming meaningless thoughts of my adamant intensive mind that seeks to depress the state of my life condition. I was assisted whenever I truly needed the assistance, in the most unfathomable ways.

I had a dream yesterday and in my dream, I was walking across several places, feeling extremely tired from the ordeal. But eventually, I seemed to reach a place and the surreal imagery ends there. There was no recollection of the ending, just blackness.

You see life is full of surreal imagery, as if nothing is indeed permanent in this world. I instantly understood my dream - as if my subconscious is telling my conscious mind something.

I used to think that I lost something very important - which constitute a very significant part of my life that label almost 'everything'. Then in retrospect, I cannot lose something which I don't own in the first place because Love is not a possession acquired like how we purchase goods. You have the freedom to decide what you want in life and love, just perhaps that through this freewill, unfortunately, you seek for something else in which this relationship cannot sate and accommodate your change of needs.

I realized that I don't hate you for your deeds - I only hated you for your silence and all that acting. At the end of the day, everything just falls apart with time because you cannot sustain this screen forever. What hurts is that I am given with facade information to manage my recovery, other than the real truth told in my face, in which the latter was revealed gradually as time passed along. That way helped you to manage your guilt of cheating me, but not as mature adults on amicable split.

You are still a little girl after all these years, but what I really need is a woman.

I hope he treats you well.

Younger men seeking foreign bride

I always find it uncomfortable whenever I view reports of man purchasing brides from countries like Vietnam and how they think it's absolutely a great idea to resolve their lack of marital prospect, in reference to their failed dating experience leading to limbo with local woman.

I recalled the time when my sociology lecturer shared with us about a story of his colleague who has 'purchased' a Vietnam bride. In addition, he was gleaming when this colleague of his added the fact that he has actually gotten a discount when he has 'purchased' his wife-to-be; it works somewhat like how I would imagine myself buying Sushi at Cold Storage after certain timing at night - everything is slapped with a 50% off label.

On top of that, he disallowed her to go out because he deemed that she might learn 'bad influence' and later run away (with another man).

Personally I find it hard to stomach the thought of even having to relate the thought of 'purchasing' foreign bride. Although the case above might be extreme, but I don't think it's uncommon - all sociologically trained student would instantly sees that as a form of exploitation. From an economic perspective, surely this is acceptable because the market is determined by supply and demand. But it would be too derogatory to even use this perspective because woman would naturally be reduced to that of a good and it is not something that one would like to see their wife-to-be as.

What I find it amusing is the reasoning this man has employed which give rise to his decision and I quote:

'He did it because his plan was to settle down and have a family by the age of 30. He was planning way ahead: he wanted children who could support him in his later years'

Another incredibly amusing thought:

'Mr Low, who had girlfriends before, said he wanted a relationship which was 'guaranteed' to end in marriage.'

'Marrying a local or marrying a foreign bride is the same, both might end in divorce... but so far, it's okay, I already have a one-year old daughter,' the 30-year old said matter-of-factly.

His concerned is not about his wife; only about the child he wanted to support him in his later years - there is a contradiction when he claims that he wanted a guaranteed marriage, yet end up having to admit that it's not guarantee somewhat too. Such narcissism in love, is often shielded under the category of brandishing traditional mindset, is way... way too obsolete to project this as an idea in our modern society. Of course our government would be more than happy to support, getting more Singaporean to marry and give birth - having more cash cows to milk from and to address our plunging birth rate.

And here comes the dual king of all statements in the article:

'A successful match can set a man back by $8,000 or $10,000. Mr Tan, who had some financial help from his mother, paid the agent $8,800 for his bride. It was a price he felt was worth forking out.'

'Mr A H, 35, a teacher, is one example of someone who was too busy with work to spend time dating. He has had relationships before and joined the Social Development Unit... but he said he was "too lazy" to participate in the activities. "Sometimes you're too mentally and physically tired due to work. It's much easier to get a wife this way, but to get a good person may depend on luck." '

I think pragmatism/consumerism in our society has reached to a point of utter disgust, in which I am beginning to abhor at how fucking lame thoughts are becoming. Firstly, how the hell do you come to a conclusion that $8,800 is a worthy price? Alright, I put on my pragmatic/consumer mindset and I derive this equation:

A)
Cost of Maid:
Levy: $265
Salary: $350
Total: $615

$8,800/$615 = 14.3 months

I would have broke even by the 14th month using $8,800 as a figure (to get a Vietnam bride housewife or a maid to manage the household).

B)
If I include sex in the equation

Cost of Sex:
$50/per session
E.g: 3 times a week (12 times a month) = $600

$8,800/($615+$600) = 7.2 months

So I would have broke even by the 7th month.

Seriously, this is all maximum bullshit. I can't believe when the teacher claim that he was too lazy to date and buying a bride was an easy way out - it's like saying that 'I want the sex part, but I don't want to waste time dating. So skip the dating and let's get married. Opps! Did I mentioned that the household is your arena too?'

Because I tell you, say if his bride refuse sex or cannot conceive - I bet with my balls that most of these man would likely to display the 'oh damn it! I paid for this and now there is no sex? No kids? Agent! I want a change of GOOD!!!!!!!!!'

*Flailing violent arms in the air and stamping feet*

It would be a cause for concern if these woman were abused. Better pray that I don't kanna one caseload like this, if not sure clash with my values.

Rest in Peace - Vernon & Kerin

It's devastating for anyone to experience the death of their love one only within 24 hours of being married.

Emotionally and psychologically wrecked, coupled with the lack of reason to explain the nature of her husband death makes this episode a truly poignant one. It would be suffering for anyone, even with the most positive of mind, to undergo such an experience.

RIP - my prayers will be with you.

http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_550093.html

问世间情是何物，直教生死相许。
天南地北双飞客，老翅几回寒暑。
欢乐趣，离别苦，就中更有痴儿女。
君应有语，渺万里层云,
千山暮雪，只影向谁去

Aunt Agony II 100710

Originally posted by huzane89:

i am in this 'open' relationship with this guy. Our relationship is purely physical. I know I am not ready for commitment at this time. And I have this condition of commitment at the min. age of 25. I am 21 this year.

This guy and I decided to 'commit' physically to each other only, so as to prevent STDs and if something unfortunate such as pregnancy happens, I know who the father is.

The relationship was fine and it went on for 4 months. And yesterday, he suddenly said he has feelings for me and wants a real commitment. I was taken aback as I didnt feel the same was as he did. Now, after his confession, I kind of like him. but I still think I am not ready. So, I ended things with him. Now, I cant stop thinking of him.

What do I do?




Your relationship began from a contract.

The clauses are spelled out clearly, almost like terms and condition to define the boundary of your relationship, so as to safeguard both parties interest should 'dispute' occurs.

Developed feelings seemed natural and after 4 months, it seemed like he wants more out of this contract because he probably discovered that fulfilling physical needs are pretty much short term and ain't satisfactory in a longer timeframe. He wants to null the contract and provide new contract with different terms and conditions.

As you read and decide that what I have said seemed logical, but in fact, all I have said above is a facade employed by both of you to logically structure your 'agreement' in a somewhat acceptable manner, appealing largely only to your rationale sense. Although you mentioned that you will only commit yourself at the age of 25. To me - this is purely a random forecast, almost like rolling dice. I do not know how you arrived at this conclusion, but what I am quite sure is that there seemed to be a rationalized fear about commitment in which both of you subconsciously do not want to directly deal with it.

Now that the choice card of a relationship is dealt; this deal is almost like skipping the entire courting process by substituting this process with intimacy first. In a classic chase, the chase itself develops the feelings; for your case, it is the intimacy that drives the passion.

Hence, it's still possible that a relationship from a FB relationship might happen. The only risk is that because your relationship began from a contract - it remains questionable whether this relationship would be able to weather storms without sinking back to previous contract subconsciously or having to run away when shit hits the roof. It is easily to escape in your previous arrangement, but coupled with fear of commitment and an additional burden on the scope of 'responsibility' - it may not be sustainable when you level a FB relationship up.

P.S: At the end of the day, these are only the presenting issues - the real problem lies deeper, into your unconscious yearning and fear. If you don’t work on it, it will fester and affect your future relationship in a damaging way.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 100710

Originally poseted by kirov4ever:

What to do if the girl is not interested?

Analogy: It is like stage IV cancer. Incurable, inoperable and there is no future with anyone else.

I have more than enough looks, can really make her laugh, so me being not good enough is not a reason or issue. I don't understand how it is possible that she can "final decision" say it is impossible between us. She said "no" although with regret. Why she want to sabo herself like that? No, she's not going to be a nun. There is no reason so don't say "maybe this" "maybe that". No reason to reject yet she said "no", although regretfully.

In short, when faced with a final "no", incurable stage IV cancer, what to do? Only brain-wash will work but say don't use brain-wash? What other satisfactory answers. I would also most appreciate comments from Christians, Buddhists and religious what to do with the curse.



Why even mystify a rejection to that of a curse? And seemed like you made a number of assumptions, which imho may not accurate through the eyes of her perceived reality.

Surely there are reason/s for rejection - just because you don't understand doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Your perception that you are good enough is not as important as whether she feels that you are needed. From a marketing perspective, an excellent product may be a good, but if there is no need, naturally there will be no sale.

Are you a need or are you merely a good product?

Think about it.

Cheers

冤家路窄

冤家路窄

Personally, I hate to see what I detest to see.

I have no thoughts about it - just annoyed like how a buzzing fly would have pissed me.

I was glad that I stood tall with dignity and honour. I renewed my personal promise that I will evolved ten times stronger & better than what I was a year ago.

I will succeed.

Aunt Agony 290610

Originally posted by Prophecy_Master

Hi all.

I am in my mid twenties.

My current girl friend has been with my for 6 years now we plan to get married in time to come, say 5 years later after we complete our studies.

The thing is, once I saw someone who looked like my first love, Melissa. For that moment lots of thoughts and memories just came back regarding her. I was quite shaken, because having been in a long term relationship for so long that I stopped thinking about other girls and I see all the females around me as just plain friends.

But just the thought of my first love, I get all the fuzzy feeling and numbing sensation in my mind. I know I love my current g/f dearly, but I can’t help but think of how is my first love doing? Does she need help?

A part of me still wants to care for her, or at least know how she is doing. I lost contact with her for at least 9 years now, but I just can’t stop feeling that way about her.



There seemed to be some unresolved chapters in your life; it randomly spark this undying passion which nefariously raised itself from the love grave and comes back haunting you. As much as you feel that you are concerned about her well being, but think about this: she has survived nine years of her life without your presence, hence what you are feeling is purely delusional.

Let sleeping dragon lie; there is no damsel in distress to save.

It’s a real irony to see people lament about this particular person they couldn’t have, while having to possess everything they need in love currently. If you plan to execute plans like looking back at your past and taking active steps to revisit old chapters, you are at risk of sacrificing or damaging the state of your relationship.

No bank is too big to fail - no relationship is too strong to crumble.

Basically all it takes one unwise step.

Think about it.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 270610

Originally posted by bambixd:

hi,

Im a chinese guy in my 20s. i have been secretly crossdressing since i was about 14 years old, and have been leading this sort of hidden identity for all this while.

I started getting involved with men sexually about 2 years back, and I wouldd say that I love men more than anything else in my life at this point of time. I simply wake up each day, looking forward to dressing sexy n getting men into my bed.

The thing is, I have been hiding this hiiden life all this while. I feel very tired of pretending to be a str8 guy. Furthermore, Im tired of having to meet guys secretly, such as when no1 is home...blah. In short, I amtired of hiding. I have not many friends, so I am not scared of losing friends. I am only afraid of telling my family.

My partners have been encouraging me to come open, but I m afraid. I know my mum will never be able to accept it if I told her... and I love her, so I dont want to hurt her. But I am so tired of hiding...

What should I do???



You got to consider your overall intention well because once you decide on your course of action, there is no turning back. Knowing your real identity is important, but you must be prepared that once you open that first door, all the other doors will open by itself because words will definitely travel and you cannot control them, even if you told only your mother/parents.

Some people can continue life in this fashion, while others have a need to make it open so as to 'reveal' this real identity of theirs. In reality, there is no easy solution, only decision that you are comfortable to undertake after you put in serious consideration.

Be prepared for backlash should you decide to tell.

The cost of liberty is often much sacrifices.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 030610

Originally posted by JumRam:

what should i do, was in love with her even before she married. But she is not interested in me. Now she is married, i am still in love with her.


She has moved on and you have refused to - despite the passing of time.

Since this isn't a problem for her (other than that being an issue for you), how long would it take for you to perceive that and move along in life?

By retaining yourself, it serves no purpose other than dwelling in a narcissistic form of love.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 010610

Originally posted by Fannao388:

I am married with a teenage daughter. I am not at all with my hubby since years back. He is always giving priority to his frds and family. If his frd or family and I were to make an appt on the same day same time he will tell me he has to go out with his frd or family .. and ask me to wait for the following week. However, due to his shift work, he has only one precious weekend every mth for us, and very often he give priority to his frds and family instead of me and daughter.

4-5 years back I nearly divorce him due to travelling plans. I have been wanting to go to Japan or Vietnam for years, but every year he will tell me next year we will go and every year he agree to wherever his family plan to go. Even the place that i hated most China and Taiwan. He keep asking me to wait for him to save up enough for my place but every time he will spend his saving going to places I dont really want to go. As our money are limited when we go to these other places my Japan and Vietnam got to wait for another year. I was very angry and after this last china trip with his family I said lets divorce I am not willing to wait endlessly for the place i want to go. Since his family do not support going to places that i wanted to go i also have no interest to go back every week too.

With this divorce, he suddenly has available cash to go Japan with us .. just the 3 of us family. and asked me to put off the divorce plan. and since then i havent been going back to his family for all the occasions not even chinese new year. Till now, none of the in law have ever called to asked me why.. they just treat as nothing happn so hubby 2 treat as ntg happen..

recently, a married colleague expressed interest in me // and he really treated me very well .. much better than my husband .. he said he dont want anything bad to happen to me (while my hubby keep saying if he is heaven he would like to let me be CHIAK LUK) i initially tried to pull out of the relationship..but pulling out had been rather difficult cos we get to see each other every day in the office. I am now thinking whether to continue or to pull out .. my brain say stop all these nonsense and my heart said go for it

how?





You are skating on thin ice. Precariously thin ice.

I can sense that you are lost because you are frustrated with your marriage - being unappreciated by your husband whom you thought that he wasn't making effort to work on your marriage - and simultaneously, you are faced with a pull factor of a man who has expressed his interest in you. The only thing that is holding you back is probably your daughter and perhaps the homeostasis of being used to certain form of stability your marriage has provided you - despite being unhappy about it.

Presenting choice might be attractive, but without understanding the dimension of your real issue, it might turn out to be a form of escapism... somewhat a crafty illusion that veil behind a potential karmic relationship, which might lead to a domestic tragedy (Afflicted Neptune/Saturn).

Why is it so?

Your intense frustration generates a powerful push factor for you to accept the bait presented by this man. This deal comes with a condition, in which I termed it as an 'inability to commit'. It is not the problem of a man being married (which is a moral statement), but rather, it is a problem of a person who cannot provide you the commitment you would need in long term to dissolve this discontentment in your love life. For a period, he probably functions as a paracetamol, addressing merely the symptoms but nowhere near the cause.

What really happens from a graph's perspective lies with the path of your deep anguish meeting the path of his need for a company at point X. The common factor is that both of you cannot commit. As such, it seemed a lot easier for cheating to happen because since there are some huge innate dissatisfaction within, both of you would probably unconsciously decide that it might seemed 'easier' to transgress than to work on your respective issue with spouse.

Therefore, your desire to flee may not be 'attraction' or 'love' but an avenue for avoidance behaviour to cope with your dissatisfaction in your marriage.

The shelving of issues in marriage would only seek to build resentment and accumulate intense hatred that would shatter your relationship into millions of fragmented glass pieces. By then, it would be challenging to even want to do anything about it because it would be so broken to try to mend anything.

From what I am seeing, communication lines are so damage that there are actually much emotional underlying current, even if the marriage appears to be 'surviving'. However, before making any decision/s involving this married man, I suggest that you speak to your husband about the reality of your marriage, to such extend that if this fails, you might want to seek a common agreement (and willingness) on finding a marital counsellor if both of you still wish to save/work on this marriage.

P.S: A common real problem is when the wife sees a problem to their marriage, which contradict with their man's thinking (or denying) that there is an existing problem. This is a classic communication breakdown phenomenon.

Cheers

A Nation of Spoilt Princesses?

Interesting on how Sulthan Niaz retorted AWARE's article by stating that women must contribute part of the blame on the low birth rate situation in Singapore.

Are Singaporean woman spoilt? Well, our males also demand for submissive woman too. So gender bashing will never come to an end because it's just matter of perspective.

Seriously anyway, I doubt gender has much to do with the situation here. The key concerns are 'expectations'. Why is our society bashing people for making their personal choices of not 'getting married' or not 'rearing children'?

Societal expectation or individual expectation? Which is prior?

This is a natural phenomenon in any developed country. Other places are facing the same situation too, hence this is nothing uniquely Singapore.

Hey man: you have a choice NOT to date spoilt princesses too. If yours happen to be one, then you got to admit that it's seriously your choice to keep them.

To read the full article, please go to:
http://news.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20100527-218798.html

Changes in relationship

Today’s sharing is about some work reflection:

The only constant thing in life is changes; to harbor an unchanging attitude towards all phenomenon in the world is a sure ticket to suffering. We cannot expect things to always remain the way it is and since everything in life evolves, it is our responsibility to steer the change into constructive transformation and avoid degrading.

I think it’s quite depressing to witness how one’s choices inevitable sink them into whirlpool of immerse suffering and regret, especially if they have a choice in the past NOT to make certain choice/s. Somehow, it’s kinda linked – people make bad choices in life and in return made even worst choices. I began to wonder if it is truly the choices that are bad per se, or does it suggest something deeper and darker?

Closely related to the first law of CloUdiSm: do not ever date someone with the intention of trying to change the person.

You will fail. Fail absolutely. Fail miserably. In the most intense disappointing manner ever.

You will never fully recover from the trauma; because you will die by the very same curse you seek to exorcise.

It is not the choice that is bad, but rather, the perspective that we carry with the choice. People become harden and crystallized into a persona self actualized from their personal development. We are already rooted, hence it is incredibly arduous to unearth those dirt, let alone change them. Surely you can work on perspective, but you will find it extremely difficult to find adoption in a wholesome fashion.

Partially yes. But in a selective mode – usually only those that retain status quo.

Let me explain why failure is almost certain – people ONLY change upon a strong catalysis. Like if I want to turn water into steam, I would have to boil it. Only with heat can water evaporate and transform into vapors. And you being the person who sees problems in things are the only catalysis that would seek to change it. Everything else is just ‘warmness’ – you are the heat. Upon the reaction of change, you will dissolve yourself in order for change to occur. You will inevitably displaced yourself so that change will happen, but you put yourself at great risk of not be able to survive through the change.

However, someone else down the road would. They will gladly thank you for the wonderful dirty job done because you made the personal sacrifice to impart certain important lessons in life. They are happy because someone else has fought tooth and claw to overcome countless of challenges, so as to allow the recipient to mature. Upon realization, these efforts will benefit the next in line, who has done absolutely nothing to enjoy the fruit of your labour.

You are forgotten; other than some fading memory, there is nothing exceptional. With time, you are trashed away, almost like anything else in life.

The world cares nothing about the ideals of the man. It is cruel and emotionless.

We all once live in the shoe of this man. Even if you are taken out of the picture, be proud of what you have done and move along. Even if you must exit, do not turn your shoulders over. People will rejoice at your abject stupidity and blast at how moronic you are.

But still keep faith and walk forth. Someday… someone will return your honor back.

Because at the end of the day, we are judge by our deeds and not what we possess.

Chronicles (24 May 10)

I detest causal memories that quietly reminded me of my mortality. I shed my humanoid skin in return for the gift of undeath - it was an irrevocable metamorphosis.

Awakening from my vampiric stupor was the greatest enlightenment ever, insofar that I feel absolute disgust with the feeble self I vaguely recalled as a chapter of my living years. The burning contempt was overwhelmingly insane, as I lifted my index fingers and claw off crumbling grey-red ashes around a black pit of nothingness, around a place where my beating heart used to lay solemnly within.

And I can see no dreams for the addict sustaining his delusion through tubes of constant false hope. He waits like a shadow thief; awaits for opportunity to plunge the poison dagger eagerly into the back of his adversary. He wants him dead for good, so as to loot, but he has no such chance.

My perching lips grew into a smirk and watched the scene with sadistic pleasure.

He thinks he remained unseen, but the croaching silhouette makes the thought laughable.

I observed with an appraising eye, curious with the depth of stupidity my fabled assasin has grown to live with over the years.

That would suffice a predictive suicide.

He will take what he wants and die by what he takes.

Never Been Kissed

Just read the news; more singletons out there in Singapore. Actually I am not particularly surprised, considering the fact that our society overvalues achievements more than people relationship. Our 'cost-analysis' mindset has renders the value of love to be really an expensive affair.

But seriously, it is that costly?

Survey has found that most people want to get married; the problem is that 14% of these people believe in what we called fate. More than half of the people interviewed would NOT try social networking agency like SDN (in those days, it stands for SDU - the tongue-in-cheek acronym stands for Single Desperate & Ugly). In the article, one reason cited was the aversion to 'social engineering'.

Our country is facing a serious problem in birth rate because people are even having problem dating. And you want to talk about marriage and giving birth? There used to be issues about wanting more graduate mothers give birth to more children in the 80s because our country wants 'smarter brains'. Now our garmen becoming clever: any 'brains' also can - just go forth and multiply. The reason is quite logical: without the physical being, you totally have no 'brains.' So it's better to have some 'brains' than to have 'no brains.'

And this perspective itself is a major flaw - people are not respected based on their choices, but rather a tool for economical purpose. People don't see a reason why they should be subjecting their children to the gruesome pressure of our competitive society, so why the hell should I raise kids?

But what about dating? Surely, raising kids is a private choice... but dating?

I thought it was amusing when the article subtly included the belief in fate as part of the arguments on the horrible dating situation locally. I don't think there's any problem in people believing that the right one will drop by when the time comes, but chances are, these are often the wrong ones that presented themselves are 'right'.

Other significant reasoning includes the priority in career before relationships. I think the article missed out one very important rationale why people does that - it is part of our avoidance schema to replace something with another as we cannot lead life with a blatant form of emptiness within our life because we constantly need to maintain inner homeostasis. To me, people who provided this sort of reasoning is one notch lower than those who believe in fate - it is complete avoidance towards the topic of love. I realized that those who have dated during schools days and had their relationship lasted into their working life NEVER had such reasoning. Such reasoning only appeals to people who are likely to give the same sort of reasoning when they were in school - studies come first. Hence, the same reasoning was reapplied when it comes to career - career comes first - because it is way too convenient.

So what's after career?

Silence.

I am saying this because everyone, regardless of worldview, wants to be attached regardless of aspiration. Upon careful dialogue, even those that held onto the 'career come first' notion ALSO wish that they will someday be attached to someone they could love mutually. This yearning pervades all form of sexual orientation and preference. This yearning is the yearning of being loved and to love - the highest expression of human affection.

You see, the principle is simple: given the choice to pick - nobody wants to be single. It is not the problem of being single - it is the loneliness that derives from singlehood that most people cannot deal with.

In the end, it is back to developmental issues!

The article also cited unrealistic expectation as part of the reason why people are not attached. There was once a woman asked me' so you drive?' I was tempted to reply "so is your cup-size D?"

And strangely, I have people who try to match up to these expectations by jumping through the hoops waved by these women. What? You mean you are interested in such woman?

I think the prospect of monkhood certainly look more promising.

Learning to love is very much about learning to understand and love yourself the way we would like others to love us. Learning to love comes with the awareness that we are imperfect beings and the recognition that love entails the very reality of rejection, separation, disappointment and tears. One cannot expect love without coming in terms with these possible realities, naturally occuring with the introduction of love.

Only once we have self love, could we free ourselves to love another person.

Monkhood

I feel like going to some mountain and meditate.

I realized that a lot of things don't satisfy me anymore... or as much as I would like it to be.

I think my contemplation of being a monk might one day just come true.

Effect of Cosmic Lesson in Love (feat Portia Nelson)

I finally found THE poem that accurately explain the stages of love in such concise and beautiful weave of words that I instantly fell in love with it. The way Portia Nelson tried to portray his meaning of life in this poem (Autobiography in Five Chapters) is just gruesomely apt - just that CloUdiSm explained that under the notion of love.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
Portia Nelson

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

This is exactly the same concept in CloUdiSm when I talk about effect of our cosmic lesson in love. Yunnie divides these effects into five distinctive levels: (1) Ignorance, (2) Denial, (3) Awareness, (4) Recognition & (5) Evolution. However, it does not necessarily follow in this linear order because the multi-dimensional nature of our cosmic lesson is far too complex to neatly put all that stuff into fixed stages. Also, not everyone will experience all these effects in their lifetime; it is likely that they might encounter a mixture of some in various degree.

I always say something of this nature among the rambles I always talk about: you will not understand a shit of what I am saying until you are there yourself. Everything I have said sounded merely 'logical' as in the structure of the thoughts spoken is reasonable and philosophically grounded, which one would naturally concede because there is no compelling reason to believe otherwise.

But still it will not be understood because a person experiencing lower stage (e.g: Ignorance) cannot understand the perspective of those in the higher level (e.g: Recognition). It makes zero emotional sense for one in this world of ignorance to somehow pierce through the formidable illusionary screen of, say, a deceptive relationship because such essential wisdom hasn't been developed in the person yet.

Wisdom are learnt - not given. Hence, it's possible that some will appear to suffer the cosmic effect of ignorance throughout the entire course of their love life, perpetuate their suffering cycle in love. I think working in the social service will inevitably expose yourself to many unfortunate circumstances of relationship - directly or indirectly related to the subject of Love.

These are precious learning; for me to understand humanity and its relationship with love itself.

Nearing the Finishing Line

I am already close to putting a closure on my three years liability; tomorrow is my last lesson for this term.

By the end of this year, I must be working full force on CloUdiSm.

All my plans are bending according to my will.

Original Fake 4th Anniversary

Finally something that caught my eyes for OF.





P.S: I have a perchant for consumer purchases that fall under the category of 'individualistic (weird), small, impractical, cute and expensive.'

Cheers