Aunt Agony 240807

Originally posted by Scion79:
Dear all,

I'm new in the forum, let me share my story. Apologies as its gonna be a long one, I shall make it as short and painless as I can, pls bear with me. First, I shall detail the current background and a short introduction to the female leads of my story. I am attached to B. S is my ex-gf and we broke off almost 3 years ago. she has been single since then.

B - she is 4 years my senior and has a pretty and classy look. She looks very much younger for her age of 32. Career wise, I would say she's the ambitious and career woman type. Used to be in the phama-aesthetics industry and currently, she's into hospitality brand management (Client includes Starwood, Ascot, Macau Sands, San Regies etc). She is blessed to have a rather well to do family and that explains her spoilt, attention seeking and demanding nature. Family background wise, can consider that we are compatible.

S - she is 1 year my junior. Look wise, she too has a pretty face although her height is comparatively compromised and her frame is waif like. (though personally I think she's very attractive) Career wise, she too can be considered ambitious though she has slowed down considerably lately. She’s an account manager in the advertising industry and by a twist of coincidence; my organization is one of the major client to her Advertising agency (Part of WPP group, though I won't reveal which one to protect her identity). I am the main contact point fronting the partnership (from a client perspective that is) Though she's not servicing my account, we have ample opportunities to meet. Family background wise, I would say she had been thru a bad childhood which gives rise to her insecured nature. S is a very sincere person who place others in a higher priority than herself. She is simply sweet...

Following so far?? Let's flashback to 5 years ago (2002). I was a young and wayward punk who juz ORDed. Due to my mediocre results, I could not enter local Uni so off I went to Australia to further my studies. And I was so blessed I got to know S, who is really an angel to me. I used to have many flings in the past but S changed my perception in relationships. We did everything together. she cooked my meals and I did all the household chores for her. Mutually, we fell for each other unknowingly and progressively. Then something happened. One nite, when she professed her feelings for me in a very subtle manner, I didn't get the hint and unknowingly rejected her. How silly I was... After that, I returned to Sin for my holidays as S had to stay behind to complete a deferred module. During this 3 weeks, I realized that absence made my heart grew very much fonder. I missed S dearly and finally, I realized she meant so much to me. When I went back, she was already attached to my so-called friend. (Well curse myself cuz I was the dork who rejected her). I was totally shattered. Well to cut the story short, me and S did eventually become an item. Life was so sweet, except the fact that she was rather possessive and temperamental. Well nobody is perfect and I gladly changed from a free-spirited and untamed person to a submissive and gentle partner. I was determined she's the destined one for me... While she lay sleeping one night, I secretly measured her fingers for the ring size and bought her a diamond ring. I intended to surprise her and propose to her once I graduated from Uni. S graduated before me and returned to SIN ready to embark on her career. Well at this point, things turned for the worse. S had always been rather success driven and she decided to engage full gear into her career. Being her partner, I gave her no stress at all, always calling her from long distance only when her schedule allows. Under the eagerness to excel in her career, S gives herself huge expectations resulting in tremendous stress. Before long, we grew very distant. Finally, 1 week before my birthday, she ended our relationship via SMS, citing very superficial reasons. I wasn't even given a chance or explanation via telecon... I was crushed. Being a person full of pride, I accepted it without any contest or plead for a re-evaluation of the relationship.
I spent countless nights sleeping in my car (in the cold Aussie winter) cuz I couldn't forget all the happy times we had setting up our rented apartment together and stepping into this same apartment only brings back painful memories. For the 1st time, my tears shed freely for a woman...
Back of my mind, I attributed it to her insecurities and her unwillingness to have a partner who could not guide her well enough in her career. To put it bluntly, she must have thought that I was still a loafing student, good for nothing, who has no qualms in squandering my parent's wealth. (I admit to that...) From that day onwards, I redirected my sorrow to studies. I vowed to get good grades and be someone at least comparable to her. I know S is capable and her potential is great and boundless. Thus, I vowed never to lose out to her. All along however, I do not blame her. She was someone I loved dearly, eternally... Regardless, I know that she will always remain very special in my heart....Frankly if I were to choose again knowing the unpleasant outcome, I would have chosen to love her with all my heart as I did...

Eventually, I graduated with good grades. Career wise, I think I can be considered rather lucky. However in terms of relationships, I have totally lost confidence
in everything. I reverted to my flamboyant ways and had many flings, hurting many ladies in the process. My notion is that relationships are transitional and thus I have developed this self protecting mechanism. To me, my career matters most. Relationships are intangible and thus I can't attribute a projected NPV of the
relationship nor can I determine its ROI. I developed a casual attitude. I know I'm very selfish, but to all my flings, I made it upfront that I wasn't the commited sort and well, it takes 2 hands to clap.

Eventually in Jan 2006, I met B. She was very stuck up and aloof initially and that sorta prompted me further to woo her. We could talk about anything under the sun from Hedge funds to entartainment.. We just couldn't run out of topics to discuss and I find that unlike most of my flings (who can be considered bimbotic, sry no pun intended), B possess good looks as well as brains. Largely, she is considered to be a successful career woman, many would think she's arrogant too.. B surpass S in terms of career (due to her age maybe), and to that, I vowed to win her over as I once told myself I will get the affections of a woman who is intellectually stronger than S and more established in her career as well. B seemed the perfect persona for my choice. Also, I felt that with her age and experience, B would be a great guidance to me in terms of career development, imparting me vast knowledge on the industries she's exposed to.

Courtship wasn't easy as B had 2 other suitors after her at that time, both were accomplished professionals far surpassing me in terms of career establishment (much older than me too of course). After a hard span of 3 mths, me and B were together but problems started to surface. 1st, B has high expectations in terms of quality of life(read: monetary problems). Of course due to her age, her salary is higher than mine. She demands tiffany diamond rings (I didn't even intend to marry her!!) and thinks that my monthly salary is not sufficient to support her. (fyi my salary is hovering around 4.3K per month.. I think it should be comfortable if we spend wisely but B thinks otherwise). Secondly, we have huge disparities. She adores a very different pastime as compared to me. For me, I love clubbing,
painting the town red, as well as modding my car (like most guys I reckon). B does oil painting and fencing among others. Maybe like they said, opposites attract. Thirdly, we have opposing takes towards what is acceptable relationship between guys and ladies. I have many close lady friends but to me they are
purely friends, B knows about my flirting past and she wants me to shun my lady friends. We had major disagreements and end up quarreling most of the time when we meet (which is rare as both of us are workaholics). Whatever passion we had at first died. To me, it was more like going through the motion. By this time, I have already inherited whatever knowledge she has to impart to me and there is no long any intangible leveraging power being together with her.

Finally during December last year, we decided to take a 3 week break in Japan to re-evaluate our relationships without the stress from work. By then, I no longer had any feelings towards her. I became so cold that she sensed it and during our outbound SIN-FUK flight, I confessed to her on-board that my feelings had died. Guess it wasn't a great way to fly for B... Naturally, our 3 weeks in Japan was a disaster. Upon return, B was diagnosed to be suffering from dysmenorrhea, which is a rare case of painful menstrual cramps caused by the thickening of internal endometriosis walls and excessive bleeding. The only long-term solution was either childbirth (which I’m definitely not prepared to undergo with her... not even marriage lest to mention childbirth!!) or hysterectomy. The preventive measure however was to remain relaxed and stress free. With that, B's perception towards life changed. She became very much less demanding and became subtle and submissive. From the discovery of her condition in March till now, she has totally changed towards me, being more supportive and understanding now. However my heart is already dead. Being with her is very much like a responsibility more than anything else. Because of B's constant and unpredicted stomach cramps, our social life is much affected. We cannot go out partying, shopping, etc like we used to cuz B would suddenly break out in cold sweat and have to go home immediately to rest. To me, it has given rise to a very boring and mundane relationship. Nevertheless I find it hard to leave B out of pity more than anything else. It's becoming increasingly unbearable.

Recently, I celebrated S's birthday. B is blissfully unaware of course. S got drunk and when I was sending her home, she mumbled something like I'm sorry
and I love you. Well of course I took it with a pinch of salt. Hypothetically, I have got over S. I do admit I still love her in a way but having gained back my freedom and nonchalant outlook towards life, I can never envisage leading a happy life as S's submissive partner again. In some cases, its really better to remain closest friends than being together. Lately, S also mentioned she's afraid she might be left on the shelf, etc etc.. We have been meeting up more often lately. Though the possibility is small, I'm afraid I might fall for S again unknowingly. This would be disaster as I know we won't have a fairytale ending, regardless.. Views please???

As for my relationship with B, I really dun know how I should communicate to her and call off the whole thing. I know i'm selfish but isn't it better to end it early
in a relationship where no love is involved rather than prolonging the pain. Right from the start of my relationship with B, I had made a disclaimer that i'm not the committed sort and I have little confidence in long lasting relationships. B knows and accepted that. Well I would say our relationship had been sweet too but its actually more of a physical one than an emotional one. Now, any views or suggestions how I should end the relationship with B with least pain possible to her?

Thanks for the patience in reading my post thus far, greatly appreciated. Cheers and have a great day ahead.


No worries about your long post; in fact, you have pen down an extremely detailed situation about your own woe.

***

There are a couple of subconscious issues that have been affecting and implicating your love life, whether or not you recognise those afflictions. Perhaps afflictions might be too harsh of an adjective to use, but you get the gist of what I am driving at later as my post unfolds itself.

Inherently, you are like bee, actively visiting from flowers to flowers. And a bee does what a bee does; until the bee forgets being a bee.

Perhaps in all other superficial relationship you have been before, you probably only learnt about what's love and passion until the day you realise the sinking feeling of its absence. It could be a change of environment that actually bonded you and S together; but when you eliminate this variable, many things will likely to change accordingly.

In fact, her presence revealed many dimensions of your vulnerability as a whole, despite being a player, in which by rationale, you should be able to take it easy, making this no exception.

However, no matter how reinforced our exo-skeleton is, our emotions and ego are as tender as raw meat itself. Our emotions are easily wounded and to make matter worst, it's not always readily responsive to self rejuvenation and recovery.

It seemed to me that you have this penchant of falling for capable women that fly high in areas of their career, which is the main factor you have attributed to the fall of your previous love. Your decimated love has wickedly flailed your sensitive ego as you reckoned that this utter failure is largely because of your lack of achievements and status in society (Sun probably gets affected in face of tension of aspects in MC/significator/s of 10th house).

Your vow to evolve is not a statement of love; rather, it is a statement coming from a bruised ego.

Because the bee returns to being a bee.

The amusing question is why return being a bee when your evolution could actually led you to become something else more spiritually matured and stable? Like a mortal and not an insect?

You have incarcerated your love profile to this enclosed definition - the wholesale segmentation between flings or 'S' solitarily, in which you have classified her as your benchmark of what love and passion truly means. This formula in your heart is such that for as long as nobody presents itself in a finished product that resembles this secret concoction that caused you to shed your first tear in love, it belongs to the former category.

Sometimes even when we stopped bleeding, it doesn't necessarily means we are healed. Emotional injuries not resolved will often rot from within - gradually, you probably have realised that your defensive mechanism is a huge hindrance to your advancement in aspects of love. Your facade may have shielded you by gaining relative happiness at the cruel expenses of other ladies, but your void within will consume you inside out subconsciously because five years later, you are still sauntering in circles.

Though you are pretty honest with yourself - being in a physical-apt relationship, it can hardly speak of any substantial love affection. So is it any surprise when you mentioned that your passion has died? Probably your automatic trigger has labelled her under the same category as your other flings, perhaps just that you slog a little harder this time round in your pursuit, thus you are giving more consideration to this relationship, compared to the usual relationships you so quickly grow restless with.

Yes, her illness might have touched your humane side, but love cannot survive on sympathy. You will only grow to escalate more emotional frustration as you are unwilling to be in the relationship.

No elements can substitute the power of love; all other retention strategies will fail with the test of time. Therefore, your hesitation is merely delaying the inevitable with regards to B.

You have unseen blemishes clogged deep right in your soul since the day S promulgate breaking up. Whether or not you will fall for her again, the question lies not with love, but with the man: would you allow yourself to be vulnerable once again? You know like opening yourself to have someone get inside you and possibly messing you up once again?

You can't fall in love unless you allow yourself the condition to do so.

It applies not only to 'S' - it's the same for 'A-Z'.

Cheers