Aunt Agony II 310507

Originally posted by spinsugar:
Looking back, the past 7 years of my life have been so unbelievable that it would put soap opera to shame. The last 4 years of this longdrawn episode has just come to an end. After allowing myself 2 days of anguish, here I am, sitting back and surveying the mess of my life and what lays ahead without the slightest hint of trepidation.

I thought nothing could surprise me after all the drama, the colourful characters and the impossible situations I've handled through these turbulent years, and so the unexpected silent calm in my mind now comes as a surprise. Perhaps this is akin to a calm after a storm, so although this new state of clarity was something I least expected to find at the end of this 4-year ordeal, I am very pleased with the result.

It was as if someone had "uncooked" all the garbled information in my brain. With this newfound clarity, I am beginning to understand what has transpired over the years.. this latest "relationship" suddenly looks so clear.

As an old "buddy" put it, I must have been desperate for some semblance of normality in my 24 years of life when everything up till this point was anything but. It's interesting how easily I succumbed to the lull of this so-called "normal" life and how I struggled to maintain it even at the cost of my own beliefs. The irony in compromising my own ideals and desires for the sake of moulding myself into someone else's perception of a "woman behind the man" does not escape me, for I have always prided myself in being at the forefront of any relationship, taking on the role of the aggressor rather than that of the passive gentle female. In fact a part of me is quite disgusted that this dream was not ended by my own hand, but by "his".. I would've still been lost in the mist for goodness knows how much longer if he had not decided to end the relationship.

Perhaps I was tired. Overwhelmed, even. Weary of fighting endless battles alone, tired of being strong and invincible when I feel vulnerable and wounded inside. This relationship was simply my excuse to run away from my future.. my way of hanging up the towel and letting someone else be the driving force of ambition. Everytime I think of my mother, I punish myself mentally. She is a unicorn with a behemoth's spirit, a maker of miracles with a mindblowing track record. And I? How could I ever hope reach that calibre when all I've done so far is to wait for life to throw something in my path that would force me forward?

I admit I have been fearful of taking the reins. So many unanswered questions loom over me like an ominous grey blanket of clouds that threaten to drown the buried answers below before I can even find them, but now I allow myself a drizzle.. Where would I go? What would I do? How would I generate enough income to get something going? The initial questions hit me like gigantic hailstones. But I must weather them, for after all this time, all these experiences, I have come one full circle and right back to where I started.. right back to the problem I have been avoiding all along ... indecisiveness on what I want to do with my life.

The newfound clarity beckons, but I am fearful. But I must go forth.. for time is no longer by my side. Indecisiveness will only prolong my pain. I face this old crossroad, this unwanted familiar friend, and now I know which unmarked path I must take.. it is the one I have been avoiding all along.

But what about you, ladies & gents? How do you handle these huge questions in life, all these huge expectations? Just.. do now, think later? How do you overcome your own fear of failure? And lastly... how do you handle that empty hole inside you, the one that craves for love?


If you shield the canyon from the winds, you will not see the beauty of their carving.

You are probably enervated and overwhelmed by infallible expectation generated in your mind. Higher desire begets greater disappointment - you can't really change that, but more importantly, a greater sinister lurks maliciously deeper; your fear of failure made you afraid of making decisions and that limits your growth.

Let me illustrate an analogy: In finance, all the low risk, capital-guaranteed investments generally have low returns. Although you still get back your money and a little gain, it's still possible to make a loss from such financial instruments because the meagre returns cannot cover the admin/sales/hidden charges derived from the investment. And inflation worsens it. Therefore making 'safe' decision may be always be the 'best' decision.

Learn to take calculated risk and even if you fall, don't be afraid of learning how to recover yourself. We learn walk by falling, therefore we learn succeed by failing. Like your siggy: Are you the men who want crops without plowing up the ground... want rain without thunder and lightning... want the ocean without the roar of its many waters?"

The natural craving for love is biologically, emotionally and spiritually induced. No man is an island. Love defines meaning in our otherwise insipid life and it's only human to desire companionship. You seemed to have some rough issues regarding your love life. Perhaps, if you like, you might want to share, in more specific details, on your relationship ordeals, encounter and aftermath.

Cheers