Aunt Agony 290507

Originally posted by jackdaniels:
Just writing in here hoping to feel better after pouring it out.

A little less than 2 years ago, I chanced upon Mr G through a shared project at work. Though there were no sparks and we hardly made conversation initially, one encounter probably initiated what carried on and happened the next 2 years. Things began rather strangely, I've never looked upon him as someone who might be my type. He is older and the sort who communicated more with mandarin and dialect, I am younger, and what you would call, the "ang moh type."

I was going through a difficult period of my life back then, having to cope with family and financial difficulties plus looking after my then bed ridden father who was passing from terminal cancer. That was when I started going out with Mr G.

I have no clear idea why I enjoyed going out with him, it was probably the annonymity of being with a person who didn't understand me or was very far apart from the realities of life that were hanging over me... I considered our dates momentary escapism. For a few hours each time, I left everything behind and went around a Mr G I didn't care for. He didn't care for me. And I found myself lured to this company. It was easy. There were no heavy discussions about life and problems, just conversation about the simpler things and some laughter.

A month or so later, we slept together. A few months later, my father passed. And Mr G left for work overseas. I have no idea really what things meant back then but I assumed it was over. My problems were over. And Mr G was gone. And so the affair ended.

Between the 3 months we dated and slept together, the relationship between us was a push and pull. I suppose. Initially, I'd been nicer. Sometimes asking him out for a movie but he didn't sound interested so I assumed we are hanging around each other for the sex. Soon afterwards he began calling me in the after noons, sometimes everyday, sometimes making a meal, sometimes wishing I stayed over and sometimes wanting to go out the same day even after we parted. Then he left. But found me a job with him overseas. I chose not to join him. And left traveling by myself. I didn't know why he wanted me to join him back then. The cynical side of me imagined he wanted a free bed partner and he wanted my company due to the loneliness overseas. When he called me during my backpacking days and asked why I couldn't seem to share the adventurous things I did with him, the better part of me believed he had feelings. Nothing happened in the end. He came back to Singapore. And so did I. And we carried on. We borrow our company; an occasional visit or drink. Momentarily leaving the realities of our separate lives behind and simply laughing about unimportant things.

We carried on behaving like friends in public. Other times intimate in private. Things were complicated because we ran in the similar public circles. Even after a year of sleeping with each other repeatedly every week, he was nervous, sometimes shy when we are out together. In private, he drank a lot. We bumped into each other at work and were formally introduced as colleagues. The irony of being asked if we knew each other before hand at the office when a few days before the introduction we'd been fucking each other's brains out was a little too dramatic for me to handle. Not knowing how to behave around him at work, I threw in the towel and left before the project began.

I left traveling again. The new year passed. I had no idea exactly what I was running from. I probably liked Mr G a plenty but had no idea how to reconciliate my liking with all that has happened. The same thing happened. He was alright, sometimes offering to pick me up or send me off, other times calling and saying he misses me. I came back. We started again. After a year of being strangers, he suddenly held my hand one time. I had no idea what that meant but he was quiet when he did it and so was I. We did nothing but slept with each other. Often nothing was being said since I told him he doesn't have to feel obliged to make conversation after sex if he didnt want to.

Because nothing was being said, I rarely knew what Mr G feels most of the time. Only recently after I came back from a last trip, he was often quieter but doting. Many times holding me very tightly throughout the night until I fell asleep. Other times he would sleep away on a couch, quiet, by himself old music humming in the background.

I realise at times that Mr G, is ultimately a loner at his best, solo from the view he loves. His private, desolate appeal was probably what kept me going back. Or perhaps it was the night, and a city in deep slumber that rustles a certain lonely quality, elusive and hollow, that brought me back to the same circle again and again. Sleeplessness from working erratic hours and probably loneliness. The need for closeness. Physical intimacy. I have no idea.

I don't know if he has anyone else in another country or if we were nothing. The pleasures of having experienced whatever encounter we had, was always deterred by spontaneous dates with others. When I would drive out into the same kind of night, with another someone, in search of filling the void left behind by Mr G whenever he wasn't around. I am beyond wanting relationships. Or the fun filled conventions of being in one. It tires me. It is exhausting. I have seen friends going through disappointments and anguish all for nothing in the end. And I do not want to go through it again. I have nothing to offer in a relationship neither do I know how to behave in one.

I don't know why I do it if Mr G meant anything at all. I'm not expecting him to consider anything serious with me because I am probably not worth his time. The last time we were out, he took my phone and saw the messages from my previous date. He didn't say anything. If he called and I was out with friends, he would coolly tell me to go keep my friend company. But continue sending me messages till I was home. He never asked me out on Valentines. Just wishing me happy valentines day the day before and sends me messages asking if I was home on Valentines.

Today he is back overseas. There wasn't difficult leaving and he'd given me the news after he arrived over there though I knew he was making a trip for work.

A few weeks before, I'd asked him what this was all about. He told me we are more than close and he wanted to mean something to me. But couldn't ask me for more because I do not want a relationship. He'd said the same thing a year ago, that he didn't want a relationship. (That is man speak for not wanting a relationship with me. I understand.)

And he asked why I never seemed to call him. That he wanted surprises. He was right about that. I never once called him or initiated contact throughout the time we spent together. Even if I were to cancel on him last minute, he had no temper. Just wishing me goodnight and to enjoy my evening, have my fun. It felt like I meant nothing to him because he was so unaffected. Afterwards he said there was nothing he could do because he isn't the type of person to keep pestering me if I didn't want to go out.

So now he is away. And I have no idea what would happen next. Probably a looming knowing this has finally ended. The last time we met, for the first time in my entire life, I'd been left alone on the bed while he slept on his couch. Afterwards ignoring me when I said goodbye. I'm not blaming anybody much less him. For a woman who has closed his doors repeatedly, I probably deserved it.

We will probably come and go in each other’s lives without warning. These intermittent encounters will continue leaving me with a hint of longing until the day I stop seeing him.

Just wondering what any of you would've done if you were in my shoes.


You wondered how illogical this situation has evolved into as you gazed through every aspect of this perplexing equation, trying to resolve it with your own means. Then you realised that there seemed to be several ways of 'solving' your quagmire and you took a couple of different approaches, but eventually, no matter how different those working steps you tried time and again, it brings you back to square one - same answer.

Therefore, the real question: Is there something wrong with the working steps? Or does the issue lies with the equation?

***

Two people, though shrouded by similar fear of commitment, would still have their own inner needs. This need is real and like an unstable molecule, it will seek another molecule to bond and achieve stability. A relationship is still a possible option even if sex is introduced before a relationship (likely, you probably might actually have a couple of short-term flings born out of such context), but there's this subconscious aversion to commitment as a whole. Somehow, it's seemed better to remain aloof and to keep a considerable emotional distance as the both of you 'unanimously and tacitly agreed' on this a classic sex-buddy relationship.

I agree with CuriousOrange as he may begin to view you more than a sex buddy, but imho, like yourself, he finds it arduous to abnegate current status quo and introduce the dreaded 'commitment thingy'. Because I bet he knows that once he brings this relationship to the next level, he will risk losing everything. Possibly even the sex buddy relationship.

Why would anyone encumber themselves with additional responsibilities while enjoying the same rewards? Crudely put - he could milk all the sex he needs from you without actually having to 'pay the price' of maintaining a relationship. Therefore, it makes no economical sense to execute such decision.

Perhaps, it could be same for you too?

Spiritually barren and yearning for deeper companionship, but unwilling to sacrifice individualism and selfishness - running in circles with context like 'More than just friends - of course we are - but never a relationship.' There's too much travelling (a Sagittarius's love) and running away... too many avenues for escapist and avoidance behaviour. As such, one would seek for instant gratification when the need arises and vanished before the bill comes - the root of void remains.

This love model fails before it even started and to continue with a failed model is like having to work out the question with a wrong equation.

Cheers