Aunt Agony 310507 (Continued from AA 290507)

Originally posted by jackdaniels:
I was watching TV when he suddenly blurted the inevitable statement: “It’s not that I do not want a relationship. Just that right now I want to focus on my career.” The confession could be linked to a conversation a few minutes earlier. He asked me to move in with him. I told him it isn’t a viable option for me because I barely have time to wash my own dishes, much less make myself useful around his place. Now we all know when somebody tells you that, it isn’t the case of him or her not wanting a relationship. It just means they don’t want a relationship with YOU.

I didn’t ask for a relationship neither did I hint of wanting one. All I did was watch TV. And that’s exactly what I should go back doing. Everything else is too much trouble.

If you believe astrology is more than myth, at times I see more of a Sagittarian in Mr G and the Capricorn in myself. He claims to prefer seeing the world, as for me, seeing too much may not be a good thing. Because I do it alone I come back different each time. Even when you have a story to tell, no one would understand because they weren’t there.

I go around like a pauper and do overland instead of airplanes. The romanticism of such an act moves people but it stops right there. Few carry the notion further. If you would like to, I’m sure you can do it too. Only material pursuits get in the way. Most people choose cars, clubs and chicks over spending on travel.

I believe Mr G does view me more than just a sex buddy. He reminded me not to use that term because we were never there. It makes him uncomfortable. It’s natural for feelings to develop after a period of time.

But what really matters now is he left without saying good bye.

And what happened with Mr G last week stank. For the first time in a long time I was left alone on the bed. For the first time at all I was ignored when I said goodbye. I could’ve yelled, screamed, thrown a hissy fit but that would bring me nowhere. Frankly, it didn’t feel good as a female. I feel used. Mr G probably thinks I am very loose. Easily discarded before re using again. But am I in a position to blame him?

Was Mr G relieved that the midnight f&%k was gone or was he hollow from being alone again? For someone like me, it’s usually easy getting answers but he has a sombre air about him. So much so I knew better to shut up and leave than push him further. Suddenly I tittered on the high wire of morphing into the exact replica of twenty some things I discarded before. Monster nightmares who didn’t know how to take no for an answer and didn’t understand the rules of one night games. I do not wish to become that way.

Even as I think about this, whether he is in Singapore or overseas remains a question. All he could tell me today was take good care of myself. What I didn’t understand was, why he needed to do it. Why he had to initiate contact at all. Why not just leave it as it is and not bother me again. Was he feeling sympathetic? Did he think he was being kind? Was he thinking of staying connected so we can go through the same routine if he ever comes back? If I meant nothing why couldn’t we just screw each other and let it be? Why did he have to bring me out on dates, hold my hand, laugh a lot and simply being? Am I reading too much into things? Is this a biological curse? For time immemorial I have all the questions and barely any answers.

At the end of it all, I am left feeling that the world isn’t nice. Nobody cares if you get stiffed or if your feelings get bruised. Mr G left and I would’ve done the same. Beyond telling me to take care there is nothing he can offer. I cannot even perform a satisfying shout out, woman to man, for fear of having it come back at me one day in this line of work. If they say the loving is a battlefield and he went away wounded, then I am left dead.

I think he wants to play with me. Wants to give me false hope. Wants to see how much I’ll grovel. It's probably wiser not to play this game. Saying goes it’s one thing if you don’t know what to do, but if you know what to do and don’t do it, then you’re double-dumb.

No use rationalising this.
No point in longing for what’s been left behind.
Perhaps I received return for whatever I brought to it.

Always keep back ups because there will always be another. Always.


Initially, he probably thought that he was lucky - to be about hook up a young lady and end up making out with her. Surely, both lust and emotional void were present, serving as catalysis for this scenario to take flight. There are unresolved needs and therefore actions will be taken to satisfy them – under Freudian theory, this is the ID component and in astrology, that’s govern by Mars.

Your befuddlement stemmed from your personal justification in your case. Beyond those well-articulated words, you painted a phantasmal outlook that has failed to take on substance and conjure a ‘form’ (a relationship). It remains as hollow as you first uncovered, akin to a maw of blackness, constantly mutating and evolving from some macabre shade of darkness. You tried to figure out the undulating shape - gradually you realized it has no definite structure and everything existed solely on how you deemed fit – all areas and perimeters are perpetually reframing.

Strangers? Both yes and no.

Causal Friends? Both yes and no.

Good friends? Both yes and no.

BGR? Both yes and no.

Sex buddy? Both yes and no.

And it doesn’t matter how long this list were to be as either one of you can conveniently make length, width or height adjustments to fit the puzzle.

Then it comes to the part about 'something more than just bed buddy'; the journey has come to a juncture where you had no other alternatives but 'coerced to believe' that this must be something more than just sexual, simply because he display acts of 'asking dates, holding your hands, laughing a lot and simply being'.

Humans often justify their own existence on Earth by claiming that they have a 'mission' during their short stay here. But what if the truth is such that life is but a meaningless cycle to debunk conventional ideology? You will probably encounter scores of people upbraiding you that it's not like that because there MUST be a reason for our existence. There must be.

As confused as yourself, he might even query himself on whether he still see you as a sex-buddy or has he really fell in love. In fact, my analogy in the above paragraph might just happen - both of you felt that there must be something more to it as the situations has turned out to be this way and there MUST be a reason. There must be.

But is there anything more? Apparently, it may not be.

Cheers