Aunt Agony 231206

Originally posted by blue_crimson_89:
hi i'm really new to this place.. a friend kinda recommended me to this place.. hahas my story's reaaaaaaally long.. so bear with me alright? it may mean nothing to readers, but in my heart, it holds such importance and would affect me for life..

i'm really down recently.. i've been in love with this girl from my secondary 2 class since i first met her.. i found her delightful and perfect, what i find to be the perfect girl.. i've always admired her from afar being at that tender age of having first trod into puberty.. she was popular in school, many guys were smittened by that voice of an angel and that radiant smile compared only to the sun.. unlike the other guys, i was never able to talk to her.. the others were buzzing around her like bees only to receive huge amounts of her attention, whereas i, the coward who blends into the shadows like a chameleon..

however, a friend of mine who happens to like her as well aided me in the 1st contact.. i managed to speak to her, not verbally, but through the internet.. i was happy for it was the 1st time i actually spoke to her.. since then, i seized every opportunity possible to speak to her through the internet, and looked forward to it every single day.. i existed in school only to see her dearest face and existed at home only to await her arrival on the internet.. that was life for me.. a little romance for my little world which consists of her and i.. wasnt before long did she ask for my mobile number.. i was shocked but excited.. i was euphoric in ecstasy when she 1st msged me.. i replied immediately and joyfully.. life was a bliss - i had her attention, me and me only..

through a really amazing twist of fate (and a little help from the kind souls which are our friends), we actually got together as a little couple.. it was even her who initiated it.. i was really happy.. but little did i know this spelt trouble for my little world of romance.. it was really great at 1st, but soon, our weaknesses showed.. i lost my best friend because of our little happy news.. my best friend abhorred me for "stealing" his dream girl away.. he spent a load of time on the emphasis that he loved her and she only belonged to him.. but when i took her away, he got upset with me and never spoke to me again.. instead, he stepped up on his efforts to woo her, to prove that he was indeed the only man she deserved.. i became jealous when he walked her to school and even walked her home.. it was stronger when i realised i could never do the same as he.. even as a couple, i still had no courage to speak to her in school.. crossing paths only made me turn away to pretend that the average looking floor tile was intriguing to the extent i had to stare at it.. we quarrelled a lot due to such events, and eventually, she asked for time out and what trailed was horrible.. i walked away from this relationship not only with scars on my heart, but the terrible hatred of the men in my level, for having been the most popular girl's boyfriend, currently ex-boyfriend..

i lost my friends, my results plummeted, guys hate me, girls think i'm a jerk.. i lost faith in everything i did and cried my holidays away.. luckily, i had a friend from back in sec 1, who was always there for me.. a kind-hearted malay girl who stood by me even when she was in a distant land.. she told me to be brave and get back what i lost.. to fight back what belongs to me.. unfortunately, all was too late for me..

sec 3 - a year which i suffered most in.. singaporean students generally enjoy secondary three as it is a year of leadership in your own CCA, great flexibility in work and life, as well as the attainment of wearing long pants for the guys.. hilarious as it sounds now, we were pretty excited about the change in garments.. the bells of christmas and the sounds of new year have past, but my heart remains in the year my heart was scarred with her name etched across the middle.. i lived that year in much agony and angst as i watched her new relationship blossom into something sweet and tender.. the truly horrific truth was actually that the "he" was my best friend, the one i always trusted.. but no one dared tell me, no one did told me..

sec 4 - when hope rekindled for me and not too late as well! she was framed to have been a cheap girl who hugged another guy when she had a boyfriend.. "he" broke up with her for he claims the above.. i thought it was a chance for me, and yes it was, but it never revealed itself, for i was in love with someone else.. this someone else was of such purity and innocence that she resembled my 1st love.. i loved her a lot despite differences in views.. but i gave her up.. i lied to her and chose to stop loving her because i feel that i can love my 1st love again.. i believed i could.. i have no idea what harm i have done to my new love, for we both know that our feelings were mutual.. yes i did love her, but i loved my 1st love as well.. at this point i know i might be some sort of double crosser or any ugly term may be used on me, but i chose to love my 1st love.. i know that my feelings for her are real, and the new ones are just hallucinations.. i felt sorry, but i had to put my interests in front.. yet again, through yet another amazing twist of fate, we were together again.. this time, i had changed, i was no longer that spoilt little child i used to be.. i learnt to cook, clean the house, buy groceries and everything that i used to need a caretaker for.. i was more mature now for this relationship..

needless to say, it was a great relationship.. i loved her a lot and never did stop.. the love grew and grew.. it was amazing.. but then again, weaknesses revealed their hideous faces once more to spoil our relationship..

valentines' day - the day that lovers have their feelings grow way stronger and enjoy a happy evening in each other's company.. i felt that mine would've been no less, in fact, even more for i had done much preparations.. 76 red roses, representing 76 days of pure love and passion for my one and only, inconjunction with one outstanding white rose, representing the purity of the past 76 days that we have been together, as well as a perfect colour to describe the love that was in the air of our 77th day as a couple.. divine chocolates that outshine the word "cliche".. i had these prepared for our time together.. i was excited and knew it'll be an evening decribed only by the word "perfect".. however, she decided not to wait for me, and left for home.. without even looking at me.. i called her, but she hung up on me.. my heart was utterly broken as i threw the chocolates and roses into the smelly bin.. she apologised yes, but my heart could never be mended back..

the holidays soon arrived yet again.. a time to rejoice yes? but no, it wasnt.. gangsters from her college began stalking me and presented hostility.. reason was simple, one of them likes her and demand i leave her.. i was stalked.. i was even once followed to my apartment.. luckily, i stayed at a condo and managed to elude these ruffians.. i had a friend from the same college as her who helped me by calling the police.. i was safe from this situation, but not from their threats and challenges when he tried more and more to date her.. the biggest question was, why did she give her number away?

lessons during holidays were inevitable especially in our generation.. we had a date, which was i whip up something really great tasting for her to judge.. i waited for her for 2 long hours.. she promised to wait for me.. she said she'll be earlier.. she promised.. but yet, she was in the north with a guy who obviously has a crush on her.. she was watching him dye his hair.. i cried and cried.. i learnt that they exchanged messages frequently and even wrote testimonials that were mushy to each other.. she even revealed her password to him when it was supposed to be something that she and i shared.. she and i only.. he deleted much of the stuff that i wrote for her by hacking her account.. she said it was i who was hacked and refused to listen to me.. sigh.. i was really really hurt.. very badly..

bad things happened a lot between us over the year of 2006.. it's been more than a year since we've been together.. she's made my life really ardous and difficult.. she msgs other guys and denies to me and demands that i stop thinking badly of her.. she claims to have cut herself to rouse my attention but i've been in contact with her a lot and if she did cut herself to rouse my attention, there was no way i cant see any wounds.. indeed, it could be my inability to realise it, but i've always checked her hands for wounds, i never liked her hurt.. she says that i think of her as a cheap girl who only cares about being pretty and having the affections of guys.. she says that i think that the only reason she's with me is so that she could make use of my affections for her.. but she's stopped smiling at the things i give her.. i always buy her things that she wanted, no matter the cost.. at first, she was greatly delighted and so was i.. soon, that delight faded away into emptiness.. i miss her joy and laughter.. i miss her purity and love.. i love her a lot, more than anybody else.. that's for sure.. i know it, i just know it..

right now, she told me not to talk to her until the day i stop thinking of her as a cheap girl who just wants to look pretty and seek affection of guys and want to make use of me monetarily and emotionally.. she added that she'll continue loving me till the day i can change that mindset.. this is the 2nd time she's told me to change.. the 1st time we broke up, she said the same to me.. i gave in the first time, but i'm not sure if i should this time, cos i really dun think it's my fault this time.. please help me.. i love her a lot.. more than anything... i've thrown a lot away, even my future when i decided to stay in singapore for studies.. help me..

if you happen to know who i really am when you read this story or recognise my user id, please dun tell her.. please.. i'm really desperate that's why i'm turning to this..


When you have obediently placed your love on a meticulously crafted, jeweled pedestal and worshipped her like some forgotten goddess - it's no wonder why you have to keep up/increase the 'offering' or 'tributes' to placate her unpredictable tantrum in relationship, albeit her rewards for your effort may not necessarily means genuine love on her part.

In simple: you reminded me of an idol/fan relationship. You being the crazed fan, would even give her the moon if you could possibly get it, while she being the idol may appreciate the kind of special... personal attention you are showering her, but that doesn't mean that the idol sees the fan BEYOND that of a fan.

I hope you understand what this mean because if you have to keep catching up and running after with her, eventually, you will lose yourself to emotional fatigue. As long as your goddess is angered, your fear of losing her supersedes logics and other emotions. Your unhealthy devotion gave in to her every whim and this relationship becomes an obsession more than being love driven.

You may think that you love her very much, but looking from my angle, that's probably more narcissistic than you could possibly imagine. Like a crazed fan, you probably think that your affection worth the most cent and that the consideration of her love doesn't really matter as much as yours. CloUdiSm refers this as the Clytie complex.

You formed her safety net - she knows that she is free to do anything she desire, even if her loyalty becomes questionable because you are always 'beneath' her. You are NOT allowed to judge her because she is always angelic... even if the truth might suggest something else. Never have you walked beside her like a respectable boyfriend... always living as a lesser entity... alternating between a crazed fan and a zealous acolyte. This has taken place ever since she caught your eyes - it has begun from '...the coward who blends into the shadows like a chameleon...' as written in your earlier paragraph.

How long are you going to keep up with all these? You mentioned that your rebounded-relationship belongs to an unfortunate category of a love bred from hallucination and interestingly, what makes you think that the one you are so crazy over is indeed 'The One'? By claiming that you know... you know... doesn't make it a fact: Many came before you in this forum and make the same claim... ultimately, they shed the same tears.

With time, you will realise that you wouldn't be able catch up anymore and starting falling back... in which your relationship will degenerate further.

P.S: Given your age and mindset, I don't think you could understand much of this essence? I supposed you have wasted much of yourself (and money)... revolving your world around her presence, which ultimately gives you nothing but tormented pleasure? With the absence of wisdom, one can only hope to finish repaying their karmic debts before they find themselves moving on. Evil as I may sound, you probably need more cosmic lessons and suffering before you could 'grow'?

Cheers