Aunt Agony II 190306

Originally posted by Nikar:
Hi all,

I really hope someone can share your advice here. It's greatly appreciated. The root of all the problem is my sister.

First of all, my family has 5 members : my dad, mom, myself, my sister and my brother. I'm the eldest(20 years) and my sister(18 years) is second-eldest; my brother is youngest and he's only in Sec. One.

Since we were kids, my sister always has a very very terrible temper and a vicious personality that seems to get worse with age. Her mentality and behavior since she has a kid till now has always been that :
-if you do something nasty to her, she'll pay you back triple or more
-if she's nice to you, then she has a motive behind it(always the case)
-if you do kind things to her, she'll suspect that you plan to back-stab her
-if you tell her that a certain thing is wrong or she should change her mindset/behavior, she'll either pretend she never hear or will scream very very fierecely back at you; she will not accept any kind of feedback
-she has a must-win attitude in every scenario; if you scold her, she'll talk back until she wins the argument; if you eat 5 cookies, she must eat 6 or more cookies than you.

Normally, grown-ups like 18 years old(JC education, somemore) won't pick on little kids and siblings for little nitty-gritty things, but in her case, she has been shouting and verbally abusing my younger brother for no reason.
Here's some real-life examples :

-Whenever my brother dirties up the table after eating and my mom or me wipe it for him, she'll get very angry and uncomfortable and start verbal abuse on him

-Whenever my brother does a little thing to annoy her(un-intentionally) like speaking too loudly over the phone etc., she'll start verbal abuse, scolding him and cursing him non-stop for 10 - 15 mins a lot of times, and the tone is so scary that it's as if she's scolding her worse enemy(or someone who has killed her children)

-Recently, my mom told me to give some pocket-money to my brother since I've started working. I, the one who gives the pocket-money to my brother, have no problem with it. But my sister is very jealous and angry and she keeps verbal-abusing again whenever this subject got brought up.
If she's a small kid and she gets jealous/angry over this matter, fine. But she's going to be an adult soon(18 years old) and going to the university soon! Where can you find a big sister that keeps picking and verbally-abusing someone much younger than her?

-Sometimes, we've chocolates and snacks or ice-cream back home. Whenever my brother unintentionally eat one more chocolate or have 1 more serving of ice-cream than her, she'll get really extreme towards him and the verbal abuse is totally crazy. In addition, she starts to stomp the floor loudly and slams her things around.

-There's also times when, after eating or using the kitchen ultensils to cook her own stuff, she just leaves the ultensils in the kitchen and my mom/me has to remind her to wash it. And she has the cheek to ask my brother to wash his own plates?

-She doesn't know anything about consideration for others. At 11pm or midnight when everyone is sleeping, she still switches on the TV loudly or blast the radios(louder and louder these past weeks)

-Worse still, whenever she's watching TV in the living room and my brother is in the living room too, her left eye seems to be watching the TV and her right eye seems to be keep watch on my brother and finding fault with him.
Once she finds any mere fault, she goes in again and start verbal abuse.

My brother has a very meek, pleasant and those easily-pushover kind of personality. I told him to scold back and fight back, but he keeps saying no.

During her JC days and the A-level exams, whenever she studies and there's things she doesn't know, she throws a big temper again and upset the whole family.
Recently, the problem has got worse. Now that she's working and everyday when she comes home, she'll throw a terrible temper around the house and affect everyone's mood. Did you know that when she's out with her friends and there's only me, my mom, my dad and my brother in the house, everything is so blissful and happy?

The problem has got more serious these few weeks to the extent that we're moving the entire home PC from her room to the living room, so that my and my brother don't have to see her attitude or endure her temper whenever we use the PC(currently in her room).
My father, who used to dote on her a lot(I think more than me), has started to turn against her and sick of her behavior already.

I mean, my, my brother, my mom and dad don't deserve all these.
My dad comes home during 6 - 7 pm every day only to see my sister throwing tempers and abusing her brother?
My mom is at home most of the time, so she's really bearing the brunt of it.

For me, my sister doesn't dare to shout or go against me yet. I've been trying to maintain neutral ties with her, because if I start to scold her everytime she throws those sickening tempers/verbal-abuse my brother, the family would only get more worse-off. I now dread weekends and think that weekdays are better, because my sister stays at home during weekends more. Everything I see her throw those out-of-control tempers or treat my brother like some dog, I feel like grabbing her and throwing her out of the window, whatever it takes to rid her. I've been controlling myself but this may get out of hand one day.

Can someone please help me and analyse the root of the problem and find solutions for me? I've been thinking of beating her with the TV controller(not too lethal) everytime she throws temper/abuse my brother or knocking her against the wall........is this a good idea?
I'm not scared of her calling the police if I beat her, though. She's in the wrong and someone must do something before she gets worse and worse by the minute.
Hiring a counsellor is useless; she's always very sweet and nice to outsiders, but to family members, it's a different story. Even if the counsellor really thinks that she has a problem and advice her, her strong-will will not listen to any feedback which implies that she need to change.

Thanks,
Nikar.




She is the middle child and usually middle child is subjected problems (unless he/she is the only son or daughter in the family, which could negate the effect).

The root of problem lies in her developing years, in her early childhood. It seemed that her aggressive nature to win and gain recognition is a flawed result based on the lack of attention and love during those tender years. You see, you wouldn't know what is going through her inner self and psychological state when she absorbed subconscious message into her mind. She still picked them up and channel negatively into her adolescence and young adult years.

She is expressing what is felt within outwardly and this suppression is raking into an explosion. Her aggressiveness and desire to win is a sign of addressing her sore young past. Your family needs to nurse her with affection and especially with communication.

If she continued her abusing on your younger brother, chances are, when he grows up - he would inculcate a fear and meek attitude towards woman he faced (Affliction in 3rd house/Mercury, weak Mars, Venus and Moon). The powerful sibling complex would create a deep shadow and impact on him.

My advice is to avoid avoidance. These are real time issue that critically needs communication. It seemed that your whole family are tolerating this without a cause - you either one of your parents could initiate a private one to one chat, with an powerful stand that they will not explode and slipped into an argument with her, to avoid triggering the psychological affliction or the self prophesy that she wasn't part of the family or everyone-of-you-minus-her sort of thingy.

A suggested talk would begin with empathy-like opening (works better if she is a Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces): Asking if school is stress, people creating trouble for her outside or feud and issues with anything outside this family. Gradually move on to:

I) Letting her know verbally that they as parents loves her. And that they are concerned over knowing what has causes her temper.

Move gradually. Always talk in a lower tone than she does and when she raises her voice, they lower their voice.

One session can't change much, but at least it open doors to further communication in the future. Break down her resistance and understand that Love is the element to subdue her, not calling the police and sort. You can consider psychologist/counseller as an external party, if she is more comfortable talking outsider.

Cheers