Aunt Agony 180306 (PM)

Originally posted by Simpleheat:
Hello Yunhaier! I know u r a wise counsellor and strongly need yr advise and counselling.

I know my first gf 6months ago thru friend's outing.I consider love at first sight. She is a simple looking gal with pimples,short,a bit plump and older than me(23yrs old) but she(27 yrs old) is sweet and cute looking too. But what attracts me most is her great personality. I can click with her easily and can crap around.. Thru talking,I know she is kind and a very innocent gal. After weeks of courtship ,we both have liking for each other and she starts to tell me some very personal thing abt her. She told me she is not a virgin which devastated me cos I'm a virgin myself(I used to be a christian but left due to immerse pressure I quit but still I have some important values of christian like being a virgin for yr future wife or husband like that)Some more I'm a guy as a virgin while she is a gal who is non-virgin. I told her I was upset abt the news and she weep for the whole nite. After a nite of thinking ,I thought I had sought out and able to accept her a non-virgin. We go stead and have a wonderful time of 4 months.

The problem arises when my curiousity of her past makes me probed her of her past with her ex. She honestly told me of her having only one-time sex of losing her 1st time to her ex. She indeed bleed on the first time. After hearing of her experience.I start to develop negative thinking and even dream of her and her ex engaging in sex and saw her naked body with her vagina bleeding.
I was in utter distress. I start to ask me back ,can I accept a non-virgin gal as my wife? Worst ,she told me she could not remember how she was coaxed into losing her 1st time to her ex as it was many yrs ago which both of them were young and having puppy love! But to me,how can u forget how u lost the first time,including the reason being coaxed into it? If u r serious abt yr body and r/s,u will definitely remember. I even told her I will not have sex with her as long as both of us r not married but she told me premartial sex is ok as both of us r adult. I felt she is a slut for not serious of her body. I also feel like a stupid fool as a virgin man getting a non-virgin gf in a sure losing business. But during the 6 months until now,she is indeed a wonderful gf,she is caring,not demanding and very considerate to me,catering to suit me! I dare not tell her how I feel now,cos it will definitely hurt her very much.

But the thought of her as non-virgin is haunting me ever since I dream of her sex engagement with her ex. I am seriously going to breakdown. Cos if I cannot get rid of the thought of getting a virgin gf,I will consider break with her as I don't want to waste her time so that she can look for another future partner that can accept her past.I really love her Am I wrong to think that way? Why I so upset over a small piece of flesh(hymen)? Help me....


You are wondering, why would this issue bother you at all when in fact your relationship is running smoothly.

And I am wondering as well, why would you prudishly equate virginity as a price tag measuring YOUR relationship?

If you are apt to place ill perception in such a way that a non-virgin mate would affects you so much, it ricochet doubts back to your relationship with her - you love her because you thought that she is innocent, sweet, cute and all sort of adjective describing someone that is untainted and pure... existing purely because she would fit into your biased frame of what makes a 'good partner'?

Why would you want to DE-VALUE your own relationship, based on a past variable that you cannot control nor manage? You mean a virgin means she would make a better wife... better personality.... better everything?

You live in your own self absorbed reality with your own measuring yardsticks that defines a 'woman' and not understanding a woman and put definition based on what she is made of.

Don't get me wrong; you are definitely entitled the rights of wanting a virgin wife since you are morally upright and righteous about how you perceive sex (and of course you are virgin yourself) - basically a good man. But circumstances is such that you have MADE your choice of being with her and it wasn't the case.

Are you going to reject the goods just because you thought it was 'inferior' goods?

And chances are: she was never 'inferior' - you made it to be and thought it was.

If you are the sort that can't handle truth, forget about knowing. You will lead a more fulfilling and blissful relationship without the knowledge of her past. Don't make use of the excuse of curiosity and probe when you know that you won't be able to take such knowledge with maturity and to your stride.

Please understand that her past sexual experience with her ex is still a relationship afterall. She didn't end up in bed with some stranger on some a high and intoxicated night.

***

Your dream is an image projected based on your emotions. In fact, you mind VERY MUCH because she is not a virgin, thus your afflicted emotions paint a picture through your dream. If you unable to see through this insignificant aspect of a woman and into a larger picture... seriously, you will do each other well if you leave this relationship and pursue what you thought of a wonderful relationship.

Because I tell you, these self-afflicted thoughts will keep flowing back to you as long as you are unable to release those psychological and emotional bondage. you have a great resistance against acceptance.

Yunhaier sees religion as equal under the eyes of Love. You can be involved with Christianity, Buddhism and the what's not - ultimately how you want your relationship to succeed and bring on self actualization is something you have to learn and grow with it every day of your life. (I had ever come across a pastor with a failed marriage as his wife got involved with extra-marital affairs due to dissatisfaction. Yes, he is a man of God and probably knows the Bible inside out, but in the end, he knows nothing about Love. And his wife infidelity is partially due to his prudish/moralistic equation to everything including Love).

When you are in Love, understand Love and not Morals to explain Love. Morals only tell you what is Good and Evil - it doesn't tell you anything about Love

Cheers